Dismissive behavior includes actions like ignoring someone, brushing off their suggestions, or excluding them from conversations.
People can be dismissive due to reasons like learned behavior, low self-esteem, or to avoid conflict.
If someone is dismissive, you can address the behavior, communicate your feelings, and set boundaries.
Dismissive behavior involves brushing someone off, ignoring them, or being indifferent to them. It can be disrespectful, inconsiderate, or downright rude.
Being dismissed can leave you feeling unwanted and unimportant, like you don‘t matter, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.
Dismissive behavior can take many forms. For example, you enter a party and greet someone, but they pretend not to notice. Or, you make a suggestion in a meeting and your colleague rolls their eyes.
This article explores some examples, characteristics, and causes of dismissive behavior, as well as some strategies that can help you cope with a dismissive person.
Examples of Dismissive Behavior
These are some examples of dismissive behavior, according to Dr. Daramus:
Brushing off your suggestions without considering them
Not answering your questions
Giving short, monosyllabic answers when prompted
Excluding you from a conversation
Asking everyone’s preference or opinion except yours
Pretending your concerns are not valid
Treating your contributions as insignificant
Devaluing your needs or wants
A dismissive person might be dismissive of only you, of specific types of people (people of a specific age, race, or gender, for example), or of all other people in general, says Dr. Daramus.
For example, a 2022 study notes that younger, female, and non-White people were more likely to have their questions and concerns be dismissed.
How Does a Dismissive Person Act?
These are some of the actions of a dismissive person:
Sighing as though you’re tiresome
Shrugging off your concerns
Smirking at your words
Rolling their eyes at your suggestions
Not making eye contact with you
Facing away from you during the interaction
Walking away from you while you’re speaking to them
What Are Dismissive Statements?
These are some examples of dismissive statements:
“Whatever.”
“That doesn’t really matter.”
“I don’t have time for this.”
“I’ve heard it all before.”
“That’s not important, let’s move on.”
“That’s a silly idea.”
“It’s not worth discussing.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
What Are the Characteristics of a Dismissive Person?
These are some signs and characteristics of a dismissive person:
They’re judgmental: The person judges you on factors such as your appearance or social status. They find you lacking and proceed to dismiss you if you’re not the same as them.
They don’t make you a priority: The person doesn’t make you a priority and treats you like you’re unimportant.
They always have to be right: The person ignores what you’re saying and doesn’t think your concerns are valid. They think they know best and they always have to be right, no matter what.
They become defensive when confronted: The person becomes defensive and either makes excuses or attacks you if you point out their behavior.
They never apologize: The person doesn’t admit to any wrongdoing and never apologizes.
They don’t take you seriously: The person doesn’t take your suggestions, ideas, achievements, or feelings seriously.
They belittle you: The person mocks you or uses sarcasm to belittle you.
They minimize your feelings: Rather than acknowledging that your feelings are valid, the person tells you you’re overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing.
They withdraw from conflict: Rather than dealing with important issues and working them out, the person withdraws from the conflict, leaving you feeling upset and unheard.
“It‘s normal to not get your way sometimes, but people can still treat you like you matter. Dismissive behavior denies that your wants were ever valid,” Dr. Daramus explains.
What Makes People Dismissive?
These are some of the potential causes of dismissive behavior:
Learned behavior: If a person grew up in an environment where their caregivers or role models were dismissive, they may adopt similar behavior patterns as they grow older.
Attachment style: People who had unresponsive caregivers in childhood may have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. They may detach themselves from others and exhibit dismissive behavior as a defense mechanism, in order to reject others before they can be rejected.
Low self-esteem: Though it seems counterintuitive, people with low self-esteem may exhibit dismissive behavior as a way to protect their fragile sense of self. Dismissing others can help them maintain a sense of superiority over others.
Emotional trauma: People who have experienced emotional trauma, such as betrayal, abandonment, or rejection, may develop dismissive behavior as a way to distance themselves from others and protect themselves from further emotional pain.
Passive control: Some people use dismissive behavior to passively exert control over others, says Dr. Daramus. They maintain their dominance by withholding their attention and affection.
Conflict-avoidance: People who are conflict-avoidant may prefer to dismiss the issue than deal with it, says Dr. Daramus.
Poor anger management skills: Sometimes, someone might be dismissive of you because they‘re angry at you and don‘t have great anger management skills, Dr. Daramus explains.
How Do You Deal With a Dismissive Person?
These are some strategies that can help you deal with a dismissive person:
Bring it to their attention: If someone is behaving dismissively toward you, you can call out their behavior and bring it to their attention. If they were not aware they were doing it, they can start to be more mindful of it.
Tell them how you feel: Explain to the person how their actions are making you feel. For instance, you could say: “When you don’t respond to texts, it makes me feel like I’m not important to you.”
Assert yourself: If the person tends to dismiss your suggestions or preferences, Dr. Daramus says you might need to be more direct and assertive than usual. State your needs or opinions clearly, firmly, and respectfully.
Set boundaries: If the person’s behavior persists, Dr. Daramus says you may have to put boundaries in place, such as declining to spend time with them.
Seek support: If the person’s behavior often causes you to feel upset or overwhelmed, talk to loved ones about it or consider seeking support from a mental health professional.
The Gottman Method is a type of couples therapy based on research to improve relationships using strategies like building love maps and sharing fondness.
Trust and commitment are essential for strengthening relationships and keeping couples together in the Gottman Method.
Couples will learn to manage conflict with a focus on turning negative interactions into positive ones.
The Gottman Method is a type of couples therapy developed by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman. Interventions used in the Gottman Method are research-based and grounded in the Sound Relationship House theory, which specifies nine elements of a healthy relationship.
The Gottman Method aims “to disarm conflicting verbal communication; increase intimacy, respect, and affection; remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.”
Gottman Method Background
The Gottman Method is based on decades of research. Over more than 40 years, John Gottman has performed hundreds of empirical studies with over 3,000 couples. During that time, he and his colleague Robert Levenson performed a series of longitudinal studies that found that some marriages end in divorce while others succeed due to the way couples interact.
Married couples’ interactions are fairly stable over time, and approximately 69% of problems between partners are never resolved due to differences in couples’ personalities.
Of course, every couple argues and has negative interactions. Still, Gottman found that it’s the way couples navigate conflict and the emotions they express that will ultimately determine who stays together and who divorces.
First, couples who stay together experience at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction during conflict. In addition, couples who broke up exhibited a high level of behaviors that Gottman refers to as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which include:
Gottman’s research led to his work with his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, which resulted in creating the Sound Relationship House theory and the interventions employed by the Gottman Method.
Gottman Method Techniques
The Sound Relationship House theory is the foundation of the Gottman Method. It uses a house as a metaphor for a secure marriage. The theory identifies seven “floors” that a couple can move through to improve their relationship, along with two “weight-bearing walls,” which are essential to holding the couple together. These are as follows:
Build love maps: This is the first floor of the Sound Relationship House and involves couples getting to know one another’s inner psychological worlds.
Share fondness and admiration: On this floor, couples learn to overtly express appreciation and respect for each other to strengthen their bond.
Turn towards, not away: This floor involves learning to notice when one’s partner is seeking attention, affection, and comfort and responding accordingly.
The positive perspective: This floor helps partners learn to see one another positively, enabling them to see errors as matters of circumstance, not failures of the individual.
Manage conflict: On this floor, couples learn to manage conflict through a three-step process. First, partners take each other’s feelings into account. Next, partners learn to discuss their problems. Finally, when a partner starts to feel overwhelmed during conflict, they learn techniques to self-soothe to keep their cool.
Make life dreams come true: The second to last floor centers on supporting and championing one’s partner in their dreams and goals.
Create shared meaning: The top floor mirrors the first floor in that it involves understanding an inner world, but in this case, it’s the couple’s inner world and entails uncovering the rituals and stories that have shared meaning for them.
Trust and commitment: The two weight-bearing walls of the Sound Relationship House help couples work through the seven floors. Trust enables couples to believe they can rely on one another and feel like they’re a team, and commitment means couples have agreed to stick together and improve their relationship.
Clearly, each floor of the Sound Relationship House represents an opportunity for couples to develop new skills that will strengthen their relationship. Gottman therapists use this theory to drive their work with couples.
What the Gottman Method Can Help With
Based on his research, John Gottman maintains that even though couples feel their individual relationships are unique, marital conflicts fall into just two categories: resolvable conflicts and perpetual conflicts. Since a majority of conflicts are perpetual, the Gottman Method specifically centers on helping couples work on learning to live with this kind of conflict.
Given The Gottman Method takes this as its focus, it can help with a wide array of relationship issues, from frequent arguing to infidelity and emotional distance, which may seem unique but at their core are often the result of perpetual conflicts.
The Gottman Method can even help couples who don’t feel their level of conflict is problematic but are looking to understand their relationship better. The therapy is designed to help people at any stage of their relationship and regardless of race, class, or cultural identity. Research has shown it is also effective for same-sex couples.
Benefits of the Gottman Method
The Gottman Method is unique in its focus on perpetual versus resolvable conflicts. Understanding this difference is part of how this form of therapy can help couples positively change their relationship. By learning new ways to deal with perpetual conflicts, couples can replace negative conflict patterns with healthier ones.
Also, because the Gottman Method is backed by rigorous research, many of the interventions are specific. They include actionable steps that help couples leave each session understanding what to do to continue to work on their issues outside of therapy.
Moreover, learning these steps will help couples in the long term. Even after therapy, they can continue to apply these skills and techniques, preventing them from falling back into their former negative patterns.
Gottman Method Effectiveness
Studies have demonstrated that the Gottman Method is highly effective. In addition to seeing an individual therapist, the Gottman Institute also offers workshops and retreats.
A randomized clinical trial assessed couples one year after taking either a one-day and two-day workshop or after a workshop followed by nine sessions of Gottman Method couples therapy. The trial found all to be effective. Although the most effective option, which also resulted in the least relapse, was combining a two-day workshop with nine therapy sessions.
Similarly, a study on Gottman Method couples therapy found that after 10 sessions, it was an effective treatment for improving married couples’ relationships, compatibility, and intimacy.
What to Expect With the Gottman Method
Couples therapy using the Gottman Method starts with an assessment, which begins with a joint session between the couple and the therapist.
The therapist speaks with each member of the couple individually. In addition, couples may complete questionnaires developed as part of the Gottman Method. Together, this will enable the therapist to form a thorough picture of the relationship that they can then use to provide feedback to the couple on the stability of their partnership and decide on the interventions that will be most valuable to the couple.
What Are the Three Main Components of Gottman Method Therapy?
Gottman Method interventions are designed to improve three primary areas of a relationship:
Friendship
Ability to manage conflict
Creating shared goals
As a result, in therapy, couples will learn to improve interactions to move from negative to positive and deepen emotional connection
Gottman Method therapists don’t just focus on improving skills within the relationship but also use the research on which the therapy is based to educate couples about the components of healthy relationships. This gives couples increased insight into their relationship dynamics and tools for maintaining their relationship in the long term.
What Is the Gottman Repair Checklist?
The repair checklist is a list of phrases that you can use during certain situations that can help you better express how you’re feeling, apologize more effectively, let your partner know you appreciate them, and more.
Things to Consider
One of the key things to consider before deciding to see a Gottman therapist is your commitment to working on your relationship. The Gottman Method can be rigorous and intense, and therapists expect couples to continue to use the skills they learn in therapy outside of sessions. As a result, those who aren’t prepared to focus on improving their relationship in this way may not benefit from the Gottman Method.
In addition, the Gottman Method is not recommended for couples that suffer from physical domestic violence. While this form of therapy can help with many relationship issues, couples counseling can’t change patterns of physical violence. Instead, this issue should be handled by a domestic violence specialist, a shelter, or the police.
How To Get Started With the Gottman Method
If couples therapy seems like too big a commitment, the Gottman Institute currently offers a two-day workshop, two-day couples retreats, webinars, and a self-paced online coaching program. Workshops and retreats can be completed in-person and online, giving couples extra flexibility. These options will get you started with the Gottman Method and may even be all you need, depending on the level of help you’re seeking.
The Gottman Institute offers a directory of Gottman-certified couples therapists for those who want to do couples therapy. In addition to being licensed therapists with an MA or PhD, Gottman therapists have undergone additional training through the Gottman Institute and attained certification in this particular method of couples therapy. In addition to in-person sessions, many Gottman-trained couples therapists are also available for online sessions.
It’s important to recognize that high-functioning anxiety is still anxiety and can be disruptive to life even if it’s well-hidden.
Many people with high-functioning anxiety may not seek help because they don’t think they need it or deserve it.
Using a combination of treatments like cognitive-behavioral therapy, medication, and mindfulness can help manage anxiety symptoms.
High-functioning anxiety is a catch-all term that refers to people who live with anxiety but identify as functioning reasonably well. It is not a recognized mental health diagnosis.
If you have high-functioning anxiety, you appear to be successful, together, and calm—the typical Type A personality who excels at work and life. However, the way you feel inside may be very different.,
Verywell / Brianna Gilmartin
Signs of High-Functioning Anxiety
High-functioning anxiety typically propels the person forward rather than leaving them frozen in fear. As a result, they often appear very successful in work and life—which might be objectively true if that success is measured only in achievements.
What others might not know (and what you would never share) is that beneath the surface of a seemingly perfect exterior, you’re fighting a constant churn of anxiety.
Here are a few other signs.
At Work
You might be the picture of success, arriving to work earlier than everyone else, impeccably dressed, with your hair neatly styled. Coworkers might say you are driven in your work: You’ve never missed a deadline or fallen short in a given task.
It may have been nervous energy, fear of failure, and being afraid of disappointing others that drove you to success.
Though you desperately need a day off work to get yourself together, you’re often too afraid to call in sick. Nobody would ever believe something was wrong, because you always portrayed yourself as being fine.
If these characteristics sound familiar, here’s a look at what you might experience or what others might observe of you if you have high-functioning anxiety.
Mental Health in the Workplace Webinar
On May 19, 2022, Verywell Mind hosted a virtual Mental Health in the Workplace webinar, hosted by Amy Morin, LCSW. If you missed it, check out this recap to learn ways to foster supportive work environments and helpful strategies to improve your well-being on the job.
In Personal Life
People with high-functioning anxiety tend to always be willing to help others—partly because they’re afraid of driving people away, being a bad friend/spouse/employee, or letting others down. Their social schedules tend to be busy and full.
In the case of high-functioning anxiety, a struggle often lies beneath that veil of success. The anxiety you feel about your success inevitably must come out.
Characteristics of high-functioning anxiety can be perceived by others as being “cute” or just part of your personality. In reality, these attributes are driven by underlying anxiety.
Other characteristics of high-functioning anxiety are internal and might never be noticed by others—even though they cause you a great deal of stress.
People don’t know always know that these actions are caused by anxiety and may view them as part of you who are.
Despite being regarded as “high-functioning,” you may experience the following struggles in your day to day life.
“People pleaser” (afraid of driving people away, fear of being a bad friend, spouse, and employee, fear of letting others down)
Talking a lot, nervous “chatter”
Nervous habits (playing with your hair, cracking knuckles, biting your lip)
Need to do repetitive things (counting stairs or rocking back and forth)
Overthinking
Lost time (arriving too early for appointments)
Need for reassurance (asking for directions multiple times or checking on others frequently)
Procrastination followed by long periods of crunch-time work
A high-functioning person is often regarded as an overachiever. However, this perception is short-sighted because it fails to account for the struggle (and, perhaps, anxiety) required to achieve that level of success.
If you asked most people who know you, they probably would not have a clue that you struggle with anxiety every day.
Deep down, you know that your anxiety limits your life—even if you don’t let on.
Perhaps you are able to achieve essential tasks (such as those relating to work and housekeeping), but feel your life is limited in other ways (for example, you never do anything outside your comfort zone.
Your actions are probably dictated by your anxiety. You likely choose activities that calm your racing thoughts rather than pursuing activities because you would enjoy them, or because they would expand your horizons.
If you have high-functioning anxiety, you’ve likely become adept at presenting a false persona to the world and never show your true feelings to anyone.
Instead, you keep it all bottled up inside and compartmentalize your feelings with a plan to deal with them later (but later never comes).
Types of Anxiety
The National Institutes of Mental Health lists five major types of anxiety:
Causes of High-Functioning Anxiety
Anxiety has as many causes as people who have it. A few examples include:
Stress at work or home
Physical and mental health issues
Medications
Abuse or neglect
Bullying
Death of a loved one
Relationship problems
Divorce
Finances
Caregiver burnout
In some cases, you might not even know the source of your anxious feelings. An experienced therapist can help you figure that out.
Getting Help for High-Functioning Anxiety
Help is available for people who are dealing with any form of anxiety, including high- functioning forms. However, certain characteristics of high-functioning anxiety might prevent you from seeking help.
Some possible reasons you might not have sought help for high-functioning anxiety include:
You consider it a double-edged sword and don’t want to lose the positive influence of anxiety on your achievements.
You are worried that your work will suffer if you are not constantly driven to work hard out of fear.
You might think that because you seem to be achieving (strictly from an objective standpoint) it means you do not “need help” for your anxiety—or perhaps that you don’t deserve help.
You might think that everyone struggles the way that you do and may think of it as normal. On the other hand, you might believe that you are just “bad” at dealing with life stress.
You’ve never told anyone about your internal struggles and your silence has reinforced the feeling that you can’t ask for help.
You might believe that no one would support you in asking for or seeking help because they have not seen you struggle.
Many people have a specific image or idea of what it means to have an anxiety diagnosis. For example, you might envision a person who is housebound, cannot work, or who struggles to maintain relationships of any kind.
We don’t often think of the inner turmoil of anxiety as an internal struggle as being reason enough to seek help.
Anxiety can be very much a life of denial. You might even convince yourself that there is nothing wrong—you’re just a workaholic, germaphobe, list-maker, etc.
It would be more helpful for us to refer to “high-functioning anxiety” as simply anxiety.
While it can look and feel different from other types of anxiety, it’s still present (even though it’s well-hidden) and can seriously disrupt a person’s life.
Famous People With High-Functioning Anxiety
When trying to raise awareness of a social issue like mental illness, it can be helpful to identify well-known or famous people as examples.
Stars such as Barbra Streisand and Donny Osmond, and athletes like Zack Greinke and Ricky Williams, have all been forthcoming about their experiences with high-functioning anxiety.
Scott Stossel, the national editor of The Atlantic,has written extensively about his experiences with anxiety in the context of his achievements.
Normal Anxiety vs. High-Functioning Anxiety
There is little research on the topic of high-functioning anxiety, but we do know that there is an optimal level of anxiety (not too low or too high) that fuels performance (the Yerkes-Dodson Law).
Based on this concept, your ability to function at a higher level might be increased if you had a mild to moderate level of anxiety (as opposed to severe anxiety).
IQ may also play a role in how well people with anxiety function in work and life. A 2005 study found that financial managers with high levels of anxiety made the best money managers—as long as they also had a high IQ.
Prevalence of High-Functioning Anxiety
According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), around 19% of adults in the United States have an anxiety disorder. Some people might consider themselves to be in the “high-functioning” category, but it’s difficult to know exactly how many.
Treatment Options for High-Functioning Anxiety
It’s recommended that all adults under the age of 65 be regularly screened for anxiety. So, if you’ve never been diagnosed with a mental illness such as anxiety but you identify with the symptoms or characteristics, talk to your doctor. A medical professional you trust can provide support and give you a referral to be assessed by a mental health professional.
If you are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) or social anxiety disorder, know that there are effective treatment options.
Many people with anxiety find that using a combination of treatments best helps them manage their symptoms.
If your anxiety symptoms do not meet the full diagnostic criteria for anxiety disorder, treatment with psychotherapy with or without medication may still be helpful.
Coping With High-Functioning Anxiety
Whether you’ve already sought professional help or are still in the process, here are some tips you can try on your own to reduce your anxiety.
Commit to spending 10 minutes a day working on your mental health.
Before you do any cognitive work (changing your thoughts), look at lifestyle changes such as limiting caffeine, eating a healthy diet, and getting regular exercise.
Sleep hygiene is important too, such as sticking to a regular bedtime, and not staying in bed if your mind is racing. Instead, get up and do something else until you feel tired
Look at some of your thought patterns. For example, anxiety involves a lot of negative predictions (“What if I don’t make this deadline” or “I know I will make a fool of myself during this presentation!”).
When you notice a negative thought, try countering it with something more realistic or helpful, such as “I always make my deadlines, and even if I miss this one it won’t be the end of the world.”
Find coping strategies for nervous habits such as biting your lip or chewing your nails. Practicing deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation can help control tension.
Learn how to use a competing response to address your nervous habits. This technique has you perform an action that is incompatible with the nervous habit—such as chewing gum to keep you from biting your lip.
Ask yourself why you hold on to your anxiety. Are you afraid that if you are no longer driven by anxiety, that you will stop being an overachiever?
These are real concerns that you will need to address as you work on reducing the effect your anxiety has on your life. This will involve refuting the belief that you can’t accomplish things without your anxiety.
It may take some adjustment, but you will find a new groove that gives you a healthy balance between your mental well-being and getting things done.
Reducing the Stigma
Thinking of anxiety in both its positive and negative terms can help you get past its lingering stigma. We all need some level of anxiety to get things done.
Often, stereotypes and their resulting stigma take root when people don’t understand what’s happening or why, and this applies to anxiety disorders. Sharing your challenges with friends, family, and coworkers can help head off judgment and fear.
Furthermore, sharing your coping strategies can help others recognize and deal with their own anxiety.
Press Play for Advice on Managing Anxiety
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares a strategy to help you cope with anxiety. Click below to listen now.
High-functioning anxiety can be a double-edged sword. You might be afraid to let go of something that feels like it’s part of your personality, but know that you don’t need to be secretly anxious to achieve and succeed.
Hold on to your positive traits through the habits that you’ve developed and try to let go of the tension and internal struggle your anxiety causes.
Not only does success not need to be the result of struggle, but opening yourself up to your true feelings and sharing them with others can make your experience of life and the world around you more authentic.
Notice your surroundings to help you focus on the present moment.
Focus on one thing at a time instead of multitasking to be more present.
Practice deep breathing exercises to stay focused and calm.
Many people want to learn more about how to live in the moment. Most of us have a tendency to live in the past or the future. How often do you find yourself thinking about what happened yesterday, or what might happen tomorrow? How does this affect your life and well-being?
Constantly thinking about the past and worrying about the future can make it difficult to enjoy the good things in your life now. Learning how to be more mindful and live in the moment can give you a greater appreciation for your life, also reducing feelings of stress, depression, and anxiety. Here are a few ways to live in the moment more frequently.
Notice Your Surroundings
One way to be in the present moment is by noticing your surroundings. How often do you take time out of your day to actually look around and see what’s going on? When was the last time you sat down, took a deep breath, and just looked at everything around you?
Take this opportunity right now. Close both eyes and take a deep breath, then open them and really take in where you are.
How do the walls look?
What about the floor or ceiling—what patterns can you see?
How many windows are there to your left and right?
How many lights can you count from here?
When you stop to look at your surroundings and take in everything around you, it’s easier to be more present in the moment.
Focus on One Thing at a Time
When learning how to live in the moment, it is helpful to focus your attention on one thing at a time. While it may feel more productive to multitask and work on more than one thing at a time, constantly juggling multiple tasks makes it hard to live in the present.
Although doing something that requires your full attention can seem overwhelming at first, be aware of how much more productive you are when fully engaged in a task. Compare this with trying to squeeze multiple things into one period of time or spending half of your energy on three different projects.
If you’re working on something, give it all of your attention. When you find yourself thinking about other things or checking your phone because you don’t feel like doing the task at hand, stop and turn the focus back to what’s in front of you.
Research shows that when you are fully focused on what’s happening at that moment, you can better remember details in the long term anyway.
Be Grateful For What You Have Now
Part of living in the moment is taking the time to be grateful for what you have now (not in the past or the future). If you are constantly focused on things you don’t have, you aren’t taking the time to appreciate what you have at this moment.
One way to practice gratitude is to write a list of things you are grateful for and review that list on a daily basis. Try to write at least three things you are grateful for in your life right now. Alternatively, you can do a gratitude rampage, where you write out as many things as you can think of in a certain time period.
Press Play for Advice On Practicing Gratitude
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares strategies for practicing gratitude. Click below to listen now.
If you want to learn how to be more present, let go of how you think things should be and accept them for what they are. Focus on accepting things as they are and not on how you want them to be.
You cannot control everything that happens around you; sometimes life is going to be different than how you want it to be. Practicing acceptance will help you let go of the things in your life that are out of your control.
Practice Mindfulness Meditation
Another way to live in the moment is by practicing mindfulness meditation. This type of meditation helps people become aware and increase their concentration on what they are doing at any given time.
Starting a daily meditation practice can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. This can, in turn, increase the amount of time you spend in the present moment.
Find Positive Social Support
The kind of social support you have in your life can also play an important role in helping you learn how to live in the moment. When you are around people who are supportive and positive, it is much easier to be more present in your life.
Spending time with people who make you feel happy and fulfilled can be a great way to help yourself live in the present moment.
Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people increases your own positivity and happiness levels. This will allow you to focus on what is going well right now instead of dwelling on past or future events.
Be Mindful of Everything You Do
Whatever you are doing, from eating to scrolling your phone, you should be mindful of it. How often are you eating your lunch while watching TV at the same time? This is one way you might distance yourself from what you are doing and not live in the moment because all of your attention isn’t on that task or activity.
Instead, try to focus on each meal while you eat:
How does the food smell?
How does it taste?
How is your body reacting to what you have eaten so far?
What sounds are around while you eat – phone calls, traffic noises from outside, or music playing in the background?
Focusing on these details and being mindful of everything going on around you during a specific task or activity will help bring more present-moment awareness into your life.
Practice Deep Breathing Exercises
Deep breathing can be a useful technique when you are trying to learn how to live in the moment. Taking the time to sit down and practice a deep breathing exercise will help you focus your mind on the task at hand.
Taking slow, regulated breaths helps prevent feelings of panic or any other negative thoughts from taking over while allowing for more control during the activity in which you are currently engaged. One quick and easy method to try is the 4-7-8 breathing technique.
Take a Break From Social Media and Technology
Taking a break from social media and other technology can also help you stay more present-focused. While you might think that constantly checking your social media accounts is helping you stay connected to the world, it is actually having a negative effect on your ability to be present.
How many times have you been doing something else and found yourself checking social media? It’s important that you learn how to avoid letting technology take over your life as this can really prevent you from being mindful of what is going on around you.
In particular, when you are with other people, it is important that you focus on the people and environment around you, rather than being distracted by your cell phone.
Get Regular Exercise or Do Some Yoga
Regular exercise or even just taking a stroll through the park can help you be more present. Including yoga as part of your daily routine is another great way to live in the moment, especially if it’s coupled with meditation and mindfulness exercises.
If you can’t make time for a full yoga class, just stopping what you are doing to take a couple of minutes for some basic poses can help you get back into the moment.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do I struggle to live in the moment?
Constant distractions combined with feelings of anxiety and stress can make it difficult to focus on the present moment. It is easy to get caught up in thinking about the past or worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.
What are three ways to be present?
Three strategies that can help you be more present in your life include practicing mindfulness, showing gratitude, and only focusing on one thing at a time.
How do I become more present with someone?
Work on focusing your thoughts and attention on the other person. When you find your mind wandering to other thoughts, gently redirect your focus back to the present. Utilize active listening when you are talking to the other person and be curious about the things they have to say. Ask open-ended questions and reflect back on what the other person has shared.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of The Anxiety Workbook and founder of the website About Social Anxiety. She has a Master’s degree in clinical psychology.
Get enough sleep to help maintain your dopamine levels.
Listen to music you find enjoyable to boost dopamine in your brain.
Eating healthy foods, especially those rich in tyrosine, can increase dopamine levels.
Dopamine, a chemical messenger in your brain that governs motivation, mood, movement, memory, sleep, and behavior regulation, is central to the brain’s reward system. It rewards you with a euphoric feeling whenever you engage in a beneficial behavior, which motivates you to repeat the behavior.
Read on to find out the symptoms of low dopamine levels, and discover ways to increase your dopamine levels naturally.
Dopamine: Too High or Too Low?
Every time we do something enjoyable, like eating a nice meal, having a positive social experience, going for a run, or having sex, a little bit of dopamine is released in our brain. However, engaging in vices like alcohol or recreational drugs also causes dopamine to be released into the brain. This is why the chemical messenger has been closely linked to addiction.
Having a balance in the synthesis, availability, and receptors for dopamine is the key. When levels are too low or too high, we experience changes in our mood, thoughts, and behavior.
High levels of dopamine activity in certain parts of the brain are implicated in manic episodes (in bipolar disorder), as well as psychotic episodes where someone may experience hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thinking, and unusual motor activity (in schizophrenia).
Using various substances can cause a dopamine rush that creates feelings of euphoria as well as feelings of detachment and dissociation. Excess dopamine from substance abuse has been associated with “bad trips” and can trigger transient or permanent psychotic disorders.
Lack of feelings of pleasure in activities you once enjoyed
How Dopamine Works
Most of the dopamine produced by your body is made in the midbrain after which it is distributed to different areas in your brain. Despite decades of research, scientists are still baffled by the exact mechanism of dopamine in the brain.
There are four major pathways for dopamine in your brain. Each one controls a different process in your body. Three of these pathways are your rewards pathways, known as the mesocortical, mesolimbic, and nigrostriatal pathways, and their function is to release dopamine into different parts of your brain when you engage in a rewarding activity.
What Causes Low Dopamine Levels?
Many things could cause low dopamine levels. Some of them include:
Medical conditions: Some medical conditions have been linked to low dopamine levels. Conditions like Parkinson’s disease, major depression, and substance abuse are common culprits of low dopamine levels.
Poor diet: Eating a diet that doesn’t contain adequate nutrients for optimal brain health could cause low dopamine levels—especially a diet that’s lacking in tyrosine.
Substance abuse: Abuse of alcohol and recreational drug use can, in the long term, cause your body to reduce its natural production of dopamine. This, in turn, causes you to rely on the substance you are abusing.
Certain medications: Some medications like antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs work by binding to dopamine receptors. This blocks the natural activity of dopamine in your brain.
Treatment for Low Dopamine Levels
Treating dopamine loss aims to cause the production of more dopamine, slow down the breakdown of dopamine that is being produced, create more dopamine receptors, and repair existing dopamine receptors so that they can work better.
There are several supplements and medications, known as dopamine agonists, available for people who have low dopamine levels. Medication is often used in cases where your depleted dopamine levels are caused by a condition such as depression or Parkinson’s.
However, there are some techniques you could also use to increase your dopamine levels naturally.
How to Increase Your Dopamine Levels Naturally
Get Enough Sleep
Getting an adequate amount of sleep every night is necessary for maintaining our health. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends that adults get an average of seven or more hours of sleep every night.
When you don’t get enough sleep, dopamine receptors in your body can be adversely affected. Research has linked sleep deprivation to the suppression of some dopamine receptors in your body.
Listen to Some Music
Make a playlist of some of your favorite music and listen to it when you are feeling listless, unmotivated, or experiencing other symptoms that indicate your dopamine levels are low. Imagine yourself driving down the road, with your windows down, your hair blowing in the wind, and your favorite tunes playing loudly. Just thinking about it might make you smile.
In a 2011 study, researchers found that when you listen to music you find pleasurable it can lead to a release of dopamine in your brain.
Maintain a Healthy Diet
Eating a healthy diet has several benefits for both your body and mind and increasing your dopamine levels is part of this. Foods that are rich in tyrosine like almonds, eggs, fish, and chicken are especially good for boosting dopamine levels.
Tyrosine is an amino acid that is naturally produced by the body. Dopamine is made from this amino acid and can be found in protein-rich foods. Foods that contain natural probiotics such as yogurt and kefir may also increase dopamine production.
Drinks like coffee also boost your dopamine, but keep in mind that as your dopamine levels drop after drinking it, this could cause a caffeine addiction.
Exercise More
Exercising regularly has been proven to be very important for your brain’s health. It can also help you boost your dopamine levels. Whenever you exercise your brain releases some dopamine.
While more research needs to be conducted into the exact mechanism that leads the brain to produce dopamine when we exercise, you are probably familiar with the feeling you get after a workout.
Frequent runners also report experiencing something called a runner’s high. This is described as a feeling of relaxation and elation and is a result of the release of dopamine by the brain.
Increase Social Activity
Humans are social creatures and low dopamine levels are associated with social isolation. Stay connected to friends and family who are a positive source of support in your life. Seeking out new friendships and social activities are also good for brain health and the release of those “feel good” chemicals.
Meditate
Meditating has a positive effect on a host of mental health conditions. Research also shows that meditation has the ability to increase your dopamine levels.
Cut Down on Processed Sugars
Consuming processed sugars like candy and soda have the ability to increase your dopamine levels, but this increase is only temporary and artificial. Like with alcohol and recreational drugs, sugar can give you temporary boosts of dopamine while affecting the rate at which your body produces it naturally.
When you consume a large amount of sugar in a short time, you may notice that you feel a rush of elation. This is a sugar high. It is typically very temporary and followed by a crash that leaves you feeling down.
Remove Stressors From Your Life
Stress is a precursor to many medical conditions, it also causes low dopamine levels. We aren’t always in control of the things that bring stress into our lives, but you can eliminate stressors that you have some control over.
For instance, if a long commute to work is causing stress, you might consider moving closer to work. You may need to step away from toxic relationships and eliminate drama. You can also engage in activities that reduce stress like meditating, exercising, or getting a massage.
Recap
Ways to increase dopamine levels naturally
Get sufficient sleep regularly.
Listen to music.
Eat healthfully.
Exercise.
Increase positive social interactions.
Relax by practicing mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, massage, etc.
Diving into a new relationship can be exhilarating. It is exciting to get to know the ins and outs of someone’s personality, spend hours talking to them and becoming intimate, and intertwine your lives by introducing them to your friends and family.
When all’s going well, sometimes you can’t help yourself from falling in love. You may look at your partner one day and suddenly realize, “Oh my goodness—I love you!”
Some feel like shouting this from the rooftops, while others keep it to themselves for so long that those powerful words slip out. So, when is the right time to say “I love you” to your partner? After all, you don’t want to scare them away, but you also don’t want to miss an opportunity to strengthen your connection and hear those words uttered back to you.
Identifying Your Feelings: Infatuation Vs. Love
Feelings at the beginning of a new relationship are often intense, and sometimes it’s difficult to know whether you’re feeling infatuation or genuine love for the other person. So, what’s the difference between the two?
“Love is deep, takes its time, has mutual respect, knows one another, really listens, and sees the true picture,” says Rachel Fleischman, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Bliss Counseling.
Fleischman says infatuation, on the other hand, can feel like a deep sense of connection, but is based on the idealization of someone else. “The key word here is idealization,” Fleischman says. “Infatuation is rooted in passion; you’re wildly attracted to the person, you’re excited to see them and the chemistry is beyond amazing.”
According to scientific studies, the infatuation stage may last anywhere from six months to a year.
This is not to say that infatuation won’t develop into love, but it is important to note the distinction. Love is more based in reality, and is evident by the deep care you have for someone else, including their shortcomings and quirks.
Psychologist Zick Rubin says romantic love consists of three elements: attachment (a desire to be with the other person), caring (valuing the other’s happiness and needs), and intimacy (being vulnerable with each other).
“Love is rooted in both passion and intimacy; you have some or all of the spice of infatuation—like butterflies and excitement—coupled with friendship, trust, depth, and curiosity,” Fleischman says.
Take the Love Quiz
Our fast and free love quiz can help you determine if what you’ve got is the real deal or simply a temporary fling or infatuation.
This love quiz was reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT.
Signs It’s the Right Time to Say, “I Love You”
If you are genuinely in love with your partner, there’s no right or wrong time to say “I love you”. Still, you may be looking for signs that make it feel safer to utter these words. If the following are true, it may be the right time:
You care for the other person’s well-being and happiness as much as you do your own
You still feel excited and happy when you’re not doing “fancy” things like eating at nice restaurants or going on cool dates with your partner
You would immediately be there for your partner if they called you in an emergency
You embrace your partner’s flaws and idiosyncrasies
You are willing to make sacrifices and compromises for your partner
You experience a sense of completeness or contentment when together
You feel secure in the relationship
You crave knowing even more about your partner
You’ve felt feelings of love for weeks or months
You get the sense your partner feels all the same toward you.
Finding the Right Moment
As mentioned, there’s no right or wrong time for when to say, “I love you.” However, it’s a good idea to make sure the setting feels right and that your partner is in a place to receive these words and understand the depth of what they mean if possible.
Generally speaking, it’s best to say “I love you” for the first time when you’re alone together, and when neither of you are under the influence of alcohol or any other substance You may also want to avoid saying it during or right after sex when emotions are naturally very high.
Aside from that, you can say “I love you,” whenever it feels right to you.
“If that urge is strong, go for it,” Fleischman says. “If you feel anxious about it, take a breath, slow down, and enjoy the rush of being together. It’s OK to wait.”
If you’ve only been together for a short time—under six months—and the relationship is on the right trajectory, there’s no need to rush the words. With true romantic love, both your feelings and their’s will only grow stronger.
“Sometimes, you can get so excited about being in this new relationship and about all the possibilities it has for the two of you that you just can’t control it, and you want to say it immediately,” says Fleischman. She says that, while love is love, there is no need to rush it and say it right away.
Saying “I Love You” Too Early
While most people want to feel love, hearing those three magical words can also be very scary. Saying “I love you” signals the relationship is getting more serious and it may require more care and attention. While progressing a relationship is exciting, for some this may cause them to step back a bit.
“Hearing the words, ‘I love you,’ can signal a new phase—one that is not simply fun and casual but is heading toward exclusivity and commitment,” notes Naomi Angoff Chedd, LMHC, director of counselor support services at Counslr. “If one partner is feeling that this is the right direction, but the other isn’t sure yet, hearing those words can change the dynamic and even cause the uncertain partner to retreat or end it.”
If you get the sense that your partner isn’t quite ready to reciprocate the love your feeling, give yourself and the relationship some space. This could be a good time to ask your partner where they see the relationship going, whether you’re on the same page, and generally how they’re feeling in the partnership.
What To Do If Your Partner Doesn’t Say, “I Love You” Back
If you told your partner you love them and they didn’t say it back, don’t beat yourself up. It’s important to honor your emotions and deep feelings for your partner even if they aren’t reciprocated (or reciprocated yet).
Give your partner space to accept these powerful words and what they mean for your relationship. You can even ask how the words make them feel, and let them know that they don’t have to say them back if they’re not ready. It’s also helpful to explain what the words “I love you” mean to you since the definition varies so much from person to person.
In time, they may better process these words and say they love you too. But, if their feelings never reach the same level as yours, that’s OK, too. This can be painful to process, but it ultimately gives you the answer you need about whether to move forward in the relationship. Either way, you were vulnerable with the other person and your intentions were kind, which is something to be proud of.
Future faking is when someone makes false promises about the future to get something they want now.
Look for red flags like rushing into commitments or not sticking to what they say.
Don’t rush into big decisions; take your time to know if they are really honest.
You love your partner. They tell you they care about you. They share their hopes, dreams, and goals with you. They say they want to take you on big vacations! Buy a house together! Support you in every way you’ll ever need! The list goes on. But if they’re a narcissist, when the time comes to carry out those plans, all they have are excuses. You may hear phrases like:
Oh, it’s not the right time.
Let’s wait until we have a bit more money saved up.
We’ll do it later down the road so that we can take some pressure off of us.
Following these excuses, they may change topics or talk about even bigger dreams. What gives? Do they actually want to share their life with you or are they faking a future to get what they want? Sadly, the latter could totally be true. So, we want you to be on the lookout!
Future faking is basically love-bombing on a grander scale. Narcissists may lure people into a relationship by promising the sun, moon, and stars. The adage “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” rings true here. Future-fake is about manipulation to get something from you in the now—they aren’t actually thinking about the future. Fortunately, there are ways for you to spot future faking so that you don’t get roped into a relationship with a narcissist.
Future Faking’s False Promises
Future faking is when a person makes false promises about the future you will share together. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist, professor, and writer in New York City explains that a future faker has no intention of fulfilling these promises, but wants you to believe they do.
Narcissists will fake a future to create the illusion of high investment, strong interest, or deep emotional ties.
They want to manipulate you so you believe they are more invested in the relationship than they actually are.
Specifically, the narcissist feeds the other person lies based on what they believe the other so desperately wants which is most commonly a committed relationship
How Future Faking Hurts People
The narcissist will often make promises that align with our desire for connection or a long-term partner. For instance, they will fake a future to create the illusion of high investment, strong interest, or deep emotional ties. When someone’s future faking us, our perception of reality is distorted.
“[We] are faced with the reality of not knowing the narcissist very well in contrast with the promises and future we strongly desire,” explains Dr. Romanoff.
We Believe Them Because They Make Us Vulnerable
It’s especially hard for us to not believe their lies because they create a fantasy that reflects our heartfelt needs and desires. Dr. Romanoff says that this makes us vulnerable and susceptible to being taken advantage of by the narcissist since we believe we have a much deeper connection than we actually do.
Ricki Romm, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York who helps individuals and couples strengthen relationships and celebrate imperfections says that future faking is associated with narcissism when it’s used as a tactic to prevent rejection or abandonment, without regard for the pain it causes. Essentially, it’s insecurity coupled with callousness.
Although the cause of narcissism is unknown, research has shown that early life experiences such as abuse, excessive praise, trauma, genetics, and culture are associated with this type of behavior.
Examples of Future Faking
Here are some examples of future faking in romantic and non-romantic relationships.
In a romantic relationship: Your partner talks nonstop about creating a future together. They want to rush you into making decisions with them physically and/or financially. For instance, they mention planning a trip with you, decorating your future home together, meeting their family or getting married. However, those events never happen.
At your job: At work, your boss promises to give you a raise and/or promotion to keep you motivated and driven. However, as months go by, your hard work does not pay off.
In your family: You confront your sister about her gossiping. She tells you she will change her behavior but has no intention of doing it. The next month, she’s talking behind your back again.
Do Narcissists Even Know When They’re Future Faking Us?
Some narcissists know and some don’t. It’s hard to say whether someone is doing that to us on purpose. A person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may not recognize their problematic behavior; even when you point it out to them, they will most likely refuse to believe you and avoid getting professional help.
Always Think About the Context
Romm shares that it’s important to consider context and intent. For instance, not every broken promise is a lie. Usually, overpromising represents an internal struggle such as wishful thinking, misjudgment, conflict avoidance, and/or changing circumstances.
“Repeatedly broken promises will also impact a relationship, but they don’t necessarily indicate the lack of empathy or deliberate deception that is a part of future faking,” explains Romm.
How Can Future Faking Impact Relationships?
We know if our partner has this type of behavior, it’s not looking good for us. Romm shares that there are two most notable consequences of future faking in a relationship:
Erosion of Trust and Communication
When someone chronically lies to us, it becomes impossible to believe them whether or not they are telling the truth.
“[Future faking] can limit the available tools to strengthen our relationship because communication is meaningless without trust,” advises Romm.
Insecurity
When we’ve been lied to, we may feel critical of ourselves for being so trusting, or tell ourselves it is shameful that we were taken advantage of.
Interestingly, future faking can impact the future faker’s self-esteem as well; they’ll never know if they could have built or maintained the relationship authentically.
Red Flags That May Indicate Future Faking
Future faking can be especially difficult to resist when the lies depict your most heartfelt desires. However, here are red flags to watch for in your relationship:
They want to rush things with you physically and/or financially
They make you feel like you’re in a fairytale when you’re with them and speak in a grandiose manner
They talk about things that seem too good to be true
They constantly don’t do what they say they will do
They don’t take accountability when you confront them about their empty promises and lack of action
They rarely apologize to you
How to Deal With Being Future Faked
So you might be suspecting that your partner is faking a future with you. Here are some tips to help you deal with it.
Honor Your Own Boundaries
Clarifying your own needs is the first step to setting boundaries. Romm says that common relational needs might include connection, autonomy, communication, affection, etc.
“Don’t accept behavior or engage in situations that ask you to put your needs aside now, regardless of what may be in the future,” advises Romm.
Dr. Romanoff shares that if they are constantly promising things to you at the moment and you’re feeling uncomfortable, change the conversation or ask to hold off on these promises and ideas if you don’t feel ready for them yet.
Trust Your Body
A part of you might be eager to believe that your partner really has your deepest desires at heart and will do the things they promised to do. However, your body may be able to tell another story.
Romm says to take the time to notice the full range of your emotions, take stock of physical sensations, and listen to their messages.
Look for Consistency
Notice how consistent and reliable they are in everyday interactions, in the relationship with you and in the way they interact with others. Romm says to ask ourselves, “Does this person generally do what they say they will do?”
Romm advises us to not rush into major commitments or decisions in the early stages of a relationship. Give yourself time to get to know your partner, and to get to know yourself within the relationship.
Dr. Romanoff adds that if you notice your partner is trying to rush things or talk you into taking the next steps that you’re not ready for, make sure to set your standards in the relationship and go at a pace you are comfortable with.
Space Out Your Dates
Space out your dates so the other person has the opportunity to follow through on their promises.
“Often future faking gives narcissists more access to their victims in the present. To avoid this, don’t rush things. [P]rovide space for them to follow up with action,” says Dr. Romanoff.
What This Means for You
Every relationship has its flaws; however, it should be based on mutual respect and honesty. If your partner isn’t consistently walking the talk, it may mean they’re faking a future with you. Setting boundaries, listening to your body, and taking the time to get to know someone will help set you up for a healthy and successful relationship.
Katharine is the author of three books (How To Deal With Asian Parents, A Brutally Honest Dating Guide and A Straight Up Guide to a Happy and Healthy Marriage) and the creator of 60 Feelings To Feel: A Journal To Identify Your Emotions. She has over 15 years of experience working in British Columbia’s healthcare system.
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