Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Whether you’re dating someone new or you have a long-term partner, sexual anxiety is real, and it can impact relationships at any stage. That said, there are plenty of ways to recognize it as it starts to happen and work on moving past it. Anxiety, in general, is a common mental health condition and because of this, the U.S. Preventative Services Task Force recommends that adults below the age of 65 get routine screenings for anxiety.

Verywell Mind spoke with Candice Cooper-Lovett, LMFT, a licensed sex therapist based in Atlanta, to find out how individuals and couples can address these concerns and move into a healthy sexual relationship. First, let’s talk about what sexual anxiety is, how to tell if you’re experiencing it, and some of its causes.

What Is Sexual Anxiety?

Also sometimes referred to as sexual performance anxiety, sexual anxiety is defined as “fear, worry, or anxiety related to sexual activity.” These feelings can be a result of negative experiences from the past, sexual dysfunctions, stress, or a variety of other factors.

Sexual performance anxiety is normal in that it is one of the most common sexual complaints, affecting as many as 25% of men and 16% of women. It can cause people to feel extreme anxiety and potentially even lead to sexual avoidance.

That said, the most important factor to consider is the importance of communication. Communication can not only make you more comfortable, but it can also help you identify the root of your sexual anxiety and help you work toward a more fulfilling sex life.

Symptoms of Sexual Anxiety

The symptoms of sexual anxiety may seem obvious, but it can be hard to tell if you’re dealing with sexual anxiety if you’re in the middle of dealing with something else that might also be anxiety-inducing.

So, start to notice when your mood changes—is it a result of a partner initiating physical contact? Is it because you’re anticipating sexual activity in the immediate future? If so, these are signs that you may be experiencing anxiety surrounding sex.

Causes of Sexual Anxiety

There are many reasons why someone might struggle with sexual anxiety, and it could be something that the person struggling with it doesn’t yet understand about themselves.

Below are some common reasons why someone might experience sexual anxiety:

• Body image issues: If someone is self-conscious about certain aspects of their body, it can be hard to feel confident with sexual partners, especially newer sexual partners.
• Sexual dysfunctions for either partner: While it can be difficult for partners experiencing sexual dysfunctions (like erectile dysfunction or low libido), it can also be hard for the partner that’s worried about the other person’s dysfunctions.
• Past sexual abuse: People who have experienced sexual abuse often have a difficult time thinking about sex in healthy ways, and it can take a while to take back their own image of what sex should look like for them.
• Relationship issues: This includes fighting, arguing, microaggressions, or just the general inability to be open and honest with your partner.
• Fear of intimacy: It can be hard for people with a fear of intimacy to trust others, which is a big component of good sexual experiences.
• Partner compatibility:If someone doesn’t feel comfortable or attracted to their partner, it can put a huge damper on their desire to have sex and increase their anxiety at the thought of it.

How to Identify Sexual Anxiety Triggers

Especially for people who have experienced sexual trauma, feeling safe and in control can be critically important. Past traumas can lead to triggers like a stressful day at work or plans falling through. Take notice if these types of experiences begin to carry over into the intimacy you share with your partner.

It can be helpful to make a mental or even physical note of moments when you noticed a mental shift—even if it happened earlier in the day or as a result of something that had nothing to do with sex.

That said, if your sexual anxiety stems from something that your partner says or does, it’s important to take note of that as well and to bring it up to them in a non-accusatory manner.

Cooper-Lovett says that she works with patients to recognize and understand their individual triggers and that it’s common for people to need some time away from sexual behaviors as they’re working through this mental load.

Coping With Sexual Anxiety

After identifying your triggers, it’s important to determine why these triggers exist and when they started. Oftentimes, learning to recognize triggers can take away their power.

It’s more important than ever to be open and honest with your partner about what you’re feeling and how you’re working through your emotions.

Let them know if they’ve said or done something to cause you to feel sexual anxiety in the past, and be honest with them about why their action made you feel the way it did.

How to Support Someone With Sexual Anxiety

While it’s always important to maintain a good line of communication with your partner when it comes to sex, it’s especially important if you have experienced, or if you are currently experiencing, any amount of sexual anxiety.

Some ways to do this are to initiate conversation openly when your partner is in a good place mentally. It can also be helpful to find other pathways to intimacy.

“For couples, I would suggest that they engage in non-sexual touches such as hugs, hand-holding, back or foot rubs,” says Cooper-Lovett. “I also introduce sensate focus, which is a technique that refocuses the participants on their own perceptions and sensuality, instead of goal-oriented behavior focused on genitalia and penetrative sex.”

Cooper-Lovett reminds her patients that it can take work to overcome sexual anxiety. However, partners should act as supporters and encouragers through the process.

We’ve all been there—someone asks us out but we don’t feel the spark. It could be someone we’re meeting for the first time or someone we’ve been out with before.

Being in this situation can be tricky and super awkward. We’ve all been on the receiving end of rejection, and it’s pretty much the worst. You don’t want to be cruel and leave the person hanging, but you don’t want to go out with them either.

Rejection in any form can be hurtful, so the way we reject someone should come from a place of honesty and integrity, says Claudia de Llano, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “The old “It’s not you, it’s me” cliché can leave the person wondering what really happened.”

If you’re wondering how to reject someone kindly, we got you. In this article, we’ll explore strategies that can help you let someone down easily.

Why It’s Important to Say “No” When You Mean It

Many people struggle to say “no” and set and maintain their boundaries in relationships, platonic or otherwise. Research shows that people generally find it hard to reject someone, even if they don’t want to date them. However, if you’re not feeling it, going out with someone on a pity date benefits no one.

For starters, it’s a waste of everyone’s time and energy. Although you may be humoring the other person to avoid hurting their feelings, they won’t appreciate being led on. Being clear and communicative from the start avoids confusion, preventing misunderstandings and even more hurt feelings down the line.

Besides, pretending to be interested or agreeing to something you don’t want also compromises your integrity. It’s important to be true to yourself and your feelings, and stand up for your needs.

“We need to enforce our own boundaries because the treatment we receive from others starts with how we treat ourselves,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.

Saying “no” and standing firm on your boundaries shows respect for yourself and the other person. “It is a clear communication of what you stand for and what you are and are not available for,” says de Llano.

How to Reject Someone

Kindly rejecting someone is easier said than done. Here are some strategies that can help you turn someone down nicely, with kindness and honesty.

If You’re Turning Down a First Date

Turning down a first date is easier if it’s not someone you know very well. You’re not too emotionally invested, so a simple and direct response will suffice. That said, a touch of kindness goes a long way. Try using these tips when turning down a first date:

• Appreciate the effort: Although you’re turning the person down, you can share your appreciation for being asked out. Saying “That’s really kind of you to ask” or “Thanks for thinking of me” can soften the blow.
• Be direct: It’s always better to be upfront and direct about not being interested, rather than playing it coy. A simple “Thank you for asking, but I’m not interested in going out” works well.
• Use “I” statements: “I” statements keep the focus on you, so you’re not blaming or criticizing them. You could say “I’m not looking to date right now” or “I’m focusing on my work at the moment, and I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship,” if these things are true. If you’re just not interested, you can simply say “I don’t feel the connection.”
• Keep it simple: Remember, you don’t owe them a detailed explanation. A simple and polite response is enough. “Often, less is more and ‘no’ is a complete sentence,” says Dr. Romanoff.
• Avoid mixed messages: Don’t say “Maybe another time” if you don’t mean it. Be firm to prevent future confusion. You don’t want to give them false hope by being ambiguous.
• Be respectful: Remember to treat the other person with respect and empathy. Being rejected sucks, so approach the situation with sensitivity and understanding.

If You’re Turning Down a Follow-Up Date

Turning down a follow-up date can be harder because you’ve spent some time with the person. You’re in the awkward position where they want to pursue the connection but you’re not interested. A tricky situation because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but you don’t want to continue seeing them either.

These are some strategies that can help you turn down a follow-up date:

• Express gratitude: Begin by thanking them for the invitation and showing appreciation for the time you’ve spent together so far. For example, you could say “Thanks so much for a nice time.” This sets a positive tone for the conversation.
• Be honest: Share your feelings gently but honestly. Let them know that you enjoyed spending time together, but ultimately want to go separate ways. This may sound like, “Unfortunately, I don’t feel the connection I’m looking for but I wish you the best and hope you find what you’re seeking!”
• Offer an explanation: If you feel comfortable, briefly explain why you think it won’t work out. Remember to use “I” statements that focus on your personal preferences, rather than blaming them. “I’m just not feeling a romantic connection,” or “I’m looking for someone with shared interests.”
• Consider their feelings: Consider how the person will feel and validate their contributions in a way that lets them know you understand this may be painful for them, says de Llano. “You can acknowledge the person’s feelings and the positive impact they have made in your life, letting them know you appreciate what they have given and what you have gained.”
• Wish them well: Follow up your rejection with a kind gesture or comment to cushion the blow. For instance, you can say “I hope you understand. I wish you the best of luck in your dating life” or “I think you’re a great person and I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Although it can be tempting to ghost someone instead of turning them down, saying “no” is better in the long run. It closes the chapter definitively, so both of you are free to move on without any lingering feelings or questions.

When It’s Okay Not to Be Nice

There’s a fine line between being nice and being a pushover. 

Here are some situations where it’s appropriate to not be nice or accommodating and how you should respond instead:

• They’re not taking “no” for an answer: If someone keeps harassing you and asking you out again after you’ve clearly and definitely declined, it’s okay to be more direct and firm. “I appreciate your asking, but I’m not interested. Please don’t ask again.”
• They’re trying to manipulate you: If they try to guilt or manipulate you into a date by saying things like “Nobody else wants to go out with me,” shut it down. “That’s not my responsibility. I’m not interested, please respect that.”
• They’re crossing your boundaries: When someone is crossing or violating your boundaries, playing nice will only blur your message, says de Llano. Firmly asserting your boundaries is crucial for your well-being and self-respect. You can say, “I am not interested in any further conversation. Please don’t contact me again.” If necessary, block them across platforms.
• They’re making you uncomfortable: If the person asking you out makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to be blunt. “No thanks, and frankly, your behavior is making me uncomfortable.” In this case, consider reporting their behavior.

How to Accept Rejection Gracefully 

Sometimes, the shoe is on the other foot and you’re the one being rejected. Although rejection stings, there are ways to accept it gracefully and move forward. Here are some steps to help you cope:

• Accept their decision: Remember that explicit consent is key to any romantic interaction. If the person says “no” or is not interested in further connection, it’s important to accept their decision and stop pursuing them.
• Avoid reacting emotionally: Dr. Romanoff recommends taking a step back and getting some space instead of lashing out emotionally. Your feelings are valid but it’s important not to take them out on anyone else. Take some time to cool down before responding, if you choose to at all.
• Respond gracefully: Respond to the rejection with grace and maturity. You can say “No worries, good luck out there!” or “Thanks for being honest. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
• Acknowledge your feelings: It’s normal to feel disappointed, hurt, upset, embarrassed, or angry after being rejected. Acknowledge and validate your emotions without judging or shaming yourself.
• Respect their decision: Understand that the person rejecting you has their own reasons and preferences. Respect their decision even if you don’t agree with it.
• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. As you process the rejection, treat yourself with compassion and understanding. Give yourself the grace and sensitivity you’d offer a friend in a similar situation.
• Learn and grow: It can be helpful to reflect on the experience. Was there anything you could have done differently? If so, think of it as a learning experience for future interactions. “No matter how hurt we feel, each rejection is an honest opportunity for us to learn about ourselves, our feelings, our worth, and our absolute resilience,” says de Llano.
• Stay positive: Unfortunately, rejection is a part of life. However, there will be other opportunities to connect with someone special. Don’t let this setback discourage you from putting yourself out there again. Trust that the right person is out there for you who will joyfully and enthusiastically choose you and make you a priority.