Motivational Interviewing: Definition, Techniques, and Efficacy

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Key Takeaways

  • Motivational interviewing helps people find their own reasons to change through collaboration, empathy, and personal responsibility.
  • Therapists use techniques like open-ended questions, affirmations, and reflective listening to support clients in their journey.
  • Motivational interviewing is effective for conditions like addiction, anxiety, weight loss, and smoking cessation.

Motivational interviewing is a counseling approach designed to help people find the motivation to make a positive behavior change. This client-centered approach is particularly effective for people who have mixed feelings about changing their behavior.

It’s possible to experience to have conflicting desires, such as wanting to change your behavior, but also thinking that you’re not ready to change your behavior. The motivational interviewing approach holds that resolving this ambivalence can increase a person’s motivation to change.

Originally developed by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick to treat alcohol addiction, motivational interviewing is unique in the way it empowers people to take responsibility for their own recovery.

The Spirit of Motivational Interviewing

Motivational interviewing should always be implemented with a particular “spirit.” According to Miller and Rollnick, the “spirit” is collaborative, evocative, and honors client autonomy.

In order for motivational interviewing to be effective, the therapist must maintain this overall “spirit.”

Collaboration Instead of Confrontation

Collaboration is a partnership formed between the counselor and the client. In motivational interviewing, this relationship is based on the point of view and experiences of the client.

This approach contrasts with some other therapeutic approaches, specifically those in which the counselor is confrontational and imposes their own point of view about their client’s behavior.

Collaboration builds rapport between the therapist and the client. It allows the client to develop a trusting relationship with their counselor, something that is difficult to do in a more confrontational environment.

Evocation Rather Than Education

The notion of the counselor drawing out a client’s ideas rather than imposing their own opinions is based on the belief that motivation to change comes from within. As such, it cannot come from the counselor.

No matter how much the counselor might want a person to change their behavior, it will only happen if the individual also wants to change. So, it is the counselor’s job to “draw out” their client’s true motivations for this change. Once these motivators are identified, the client can use them to make the recovery process easier or to help them keep going when they want to give up.

Autonomy Over Authority

Unlike treatment models that emphasize the counselor as an authority figure, motivational interviewing recognizes that the true power for making changes rests within the client. The counselor cannot demand this change.

Put another way, it is up to the client to take the actions necessary to change their behavior. They must put in the work. This is self-empowering to the individual, but also gives them personal responsibility over their actions.

Principles Behind Motivational Interviewing

Although each person’s journey is different, counselors who use motivational interviewing hold true to four principles throughout the recovery process. These principles are vital to establishing trust within the therapeutic relationship.

Express Empathy

People may initially be reluctant to go to therapy for fear of being judged by their therapist. Some may even feel guilty about their negative behavior, making that judgment valid in their eyes. But judgment is not what motivational interviewing is about.

Instead of judging, counselors focus on understanding the situation from their client’s point of view. This is known as empathy.

A counselor doesn’t have to agree with their client to show empathy. Empathy is about surrendering your own opinions in order to understand someone else. This practice creates a safe space where clients feel comfortable being themselves and sharing their concerns.

Develop Discrepancy

Developing discrepancy is based on the belief that a person becomes more motivated to change once they see the mismatch between where they are and where they want to be.

It is a counselor’s job to help clients identify their core values and clarify their personal goals. Goals and actions are developed in a trusting, collaborative atmosphere free from pressure. This offers an environment that is based on the person’s needs, wishes, goals, values, and strengths.

Roll With Resistance

Motivational interviewing understands that change doesn’t always happen just because you want it. It’s natural to change your mind many times about whether you want to change your behavior and what that process or new lifestyle looks like.

Rather than challenging, opposing, or criticizing clients, it’s a counselor’s job to help them reach a new understanding of themselves and their behaviors. One way they do this is by reframing or offering different interpretations of certain situations. This changing viewpoint increases the person’s motivation to change. It is based on their own goals and values.

For example, if a client reveals that they started drinking to cope with a partner’s infidelity, the counselor might help them reframe the situation. Instead of the client blaming themselves, they may begin to see that the person cheated because of their own issues.

Support Self-Efficacy

Self-efficacy is a person’s belief or confidence in their ability to perform a target behavior. A counselor following the motivational interviewing approach supports their client’s self-efficacy by reinforcing their power to make the changes they want. They guide them through the behavior change process, recognize the positive changes clients make, and offer encouragement along the way.

In the beginning, the therapist may have more confidence in the individual than they have in themselves, but this can change with ongoing support. Soon, the client starts to recognize their strengths and ability to change their behavior for the better.

Techniques

In motivational interviewing, counselors help people explore their feelings and find their own motivations. They do this using four basic techniques.

Therapists gather information by asking open-ended questions, show support and respect using affirmations, express empathy through reflections, and use summaries to group information.

Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are questions you can’t answer with a simple “yes” or “no.” These types of questions encourage you to think more deeply about an issue.

Such questions often start with words like “how” or “what,” and they give your therapist the opportunity to learn more about you. Examples of open-ended questions include:

  • “How would you like things to be different?”
  • “What have you tried before to make a change?”
  • “What can you tell me about your relationship with your parents?”

Affirmations

Affirmations are statements that recognize a person’s strengths and acknowledge their positive behaviors. Done right, affirmations can help build a person’s confidence in their ability to change.

Examples of affirming responses include:

  • “You’re clearly a very resourceful person.”
  • “You handled yourself really well in that situation.”
  • “I’m so glad you came into the clinic today. I know it isn’t always easy to seek help.”
  • “I appreciate that it took a lot of courage for you to discuss this with me today.”

Reflective Listening

Reflection or reflective listening is perhaps the most crucial skill therapists use. Reflection lets a client know that their therapist is listening and trying to understand their point of view. It also gives the client the opportunity to correct any misunderstandings and to elaborate on their feelings.

Reflection is a foundational skill of motivational interviewing and how therapists express empathy.

Summaries

Summaries are a special type of reflection. They show that the therapist has been listening and understand what the client has been saying.

Therapists can use summaries throughout a conversation. Some examples of summarizing techniques include:

  • Collecting: Collecting reinforces what the client has said. For example, a therapist might say, “Let me see if I understand what you have said thus far.”
  • Linking: Linking entails making associations between two parts of the discussion. For example, a therapist might say, “A minute ago you said you wanted to talk to… Maybe now we can talk about how you might try…” 
  • Transitioning: Transitioning wraps up the end of a session or moving on to another topic. For instance, a therapist might say, “A minute ago you said… But the last time we met, it seemed like… What do you think about that?”

What Motivational Interviewing Can Help With

Originally, motivational interviewing was focused more on treating substance use disorders by preparing people to change addition-related behavior. Over time, however, motivational interviewing has been found to be a useful intervention strategy in addressing other health behaviors and conditions such as:

  • Diabetes control
  • Diet
  • Obesity prevention
  • Physical activity
  • Sexual behavior
  • Smoking

Motivational interviewing can also be used as a supplement to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anxiety disorders, such as generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This approach has even been used to reduce the fear of childbirth.

Benefits of Motivational Interviewing

There are several reasons why motivational interviewing is a widely used form of mental health therapy, including:

  • Building the client’s self-confidence and trust in themselves
  • Helping clients take responsibility for themselves and their actions
  • Lowering the chance of future relapse
  • Preparing clients to become more receptive to treatment
  • Showing clients that they have the power to change their lives themselves
  • Teaching clients to take responsibility for themselves

Motivational interviewing is especially beneficial to people who are initially resistant to starting a treatment program or who are unprepared to make the necessary life changes.

Effectiveness

Since motivational interviewing was first introduced in the 1980s, studies have shown that it can effectively treat a range of psychological and physical health conditions.

One meta-analysis of 72 clinical trials found that motivational interviewing led to smoking cessation, weight loss, and cholesterol level control.

Research also reveals that motivational interviewing can aid in addiction treatment. Another review showed that, of the 39 studies reviewed, two-thirds found that motivational interviewing was associated with significant reductions in adolescent substance use.

Yet another review indicates that motivational interviewing can effectively reduce binge drinking as well as the frequency and quantity of alcohol consumed.

Motivational interviewing can effectively treat a variety of conditions. But keep in mind that there is no one form of therapy that is appropriate for everyone and works in every instance. 

Things to Consider

Although motivational interviewing has helped many people find the motivation to make both small and major behavior changes, it’s not the ideal course of treatment for everyone.

Motivational interviewing works best for people who have mixed feelings about changing their behavior. If you have absolutely no desire to change your behavior, or are already highly motivated to change, you may not reap the benefits of this approach.

How to Get Started

If you feel that you or someone you love might benefit from this counseling approach, consider the following first steps:

  • Find a trained counselor. Your primary care physician may be able to refer you to an in-person or online counselor who has been trained in motivational interviewing approach. If you have health insurance, you can call your insurance company or use their online search tool to find a trained counselor in your area.
  • Check with your health insurance. In some cases, insurance may pay at least part of the costs for this type of counseling. If this is the case, you’ll want to find a therapist that your insurance company will work with. 
  • Prepare for the first session. The first session is usually a clinical assessment. You’ll be asked to complete intake paperwork, similar to what you complete for a medical appointment. The counselor will likely also ask what changes you’re hoping to make and your concerns and your overall priorities.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.


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Paxil Withdrawal: Symptoms, Timeline & Treatment

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Paxil withdrawal symptoms often start within two to three days and can last up to six weeks or longer.
  • Withdrawal can cause symptoms like nausea, dizziness, vivid dreams, anxiety, and “brain zaps.”
  • Relaxation techniques, physical activity, and OTC medications can help you manage these symptoms.

Paxil (paroxetine) is an antidepressant medication used to treat various disorders, including major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is in a class of drugs known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), which work by increasing the amount of serotonin available in your brain.

It is not uncommon for someone to experience withdrawal symptoms for up to six weeks when attempting to stop using Paxil, with some having symptoms much longer. Keep reading to learn more about withdrawal from Paxil, including the symptoms you might expect and what you can do to cope.

What is the most important information I should know about withdrawal from Paxil?

  • Do not stop taking Paxil without talking to your physician first.
  • Stopping antidepressant use can cause depression to return, making it important to watch for suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

Overview of Withdrawal from Paxil

More than 40 million people in the U.S. take antidepressants. Many received their prescription from a family doctor rather than a psychiatrist. SSRI withdrawal symptoms have been well documented in medical literature, but prescribing physicians without psychiatric expertise sometimes neglect to tell their patients what to expect.  

Many people taking Paxil and other SSRIs for a long enough time experience withdrawal symptoms when they try to quit or reduce their dose. About 50% of people on antidepressants have been taking them for over five years, and one in four has been on them for ten or more years.

More than 56% of people who quit antidepressants experience withdrawal symptoms. Unfortunately, Paxil is notorious for being among the hardest antidepressants to quit. Due to its short half-life, Paxil withdrawal can hit hard and fast.

Changing or stopping your dose of antidepressants also increases your risk of a recurrence of the mood or anxiety symptoms it was treating.

Paxil Withdrawal Timeline

Paxil has a relatively short half-life of 21 hours. This means withdrawal symptoms often develop fast, typically within two to three days.

A 2023 review of published data reports that most people who experience antidepressant withdrawal have symptoms for up to six weeks. However, some people may have symptoms for months or even years.

While several studies have looked at paroxetine withdrawal specifically, determining a timeline for symptoms has been difficult because many people re-start the drug for relief. This makes it hard to know how long withdrawal actually lasts.

Signs & Symptoms of Paxil Withdrawal

Symptoms associated with withdrawal from SSRIs include the following:

  • Digestive: You may experience nausea, vomiting, cramps, diarrhea, or appetite loss.
  • Balance: You may become dizzy or lightheaded, sometimes making it difficult to walk.
  • Sleep problems: You may have nightmares, unusual dreams, excessive/vivid dreams, or insomnia.
  • Flu-like symptoms: You may have flu-like symptoms including headache, muscle pain, weakness, fatigue, cramping, and tiredness.
  • Mood: You may feel extreme anxiety, agitation, panic, suicidal ideation, depression, irritability, anger, or mood swings.
  • Bizarre sensations: You may experience brain zaps (like an electrical shock or shiver in your brain) that appear rarely or up to several times per day and can sometimes be triggered by rapid eye movements. Other sensations include pins and needles, ringing in the ears, strange tastes, or hypersensitivity to sound.
  • Heat tolerance: You may have excessive sweating, flushing, or an intolerance to high temperatures.
  • Motor control: You may have tremors, muscle tension, restless legs, unsteady gait, or difficulty controlling speech and chewing movements.

While it is possible to experience withdrawal symptoms after stopping any antidepressant, some are notoriously worse than others. Paxil is among the worst offenders. This is to some degree due to its half-life, which means the amount of time it takes for half the drug to effectively leave your body.

Paxil withdrawal symptoms can range from mildly bothersome to severe and incapacitating. The Discontinuation-Emergent Signs and Symptoms Scale (DESS) is a checklist you can use to evaluate your symptoms and their severity. This checklist should serve as a reference only; your clinician will use this or something similar to diagnose you.

Coping & Relief for Paxil Withdrawal

Paxil withdrawal can be distressing, but there are things you can do to lessen the blow. Healthcare providers often recommend switching to a long-acting SSRI, like Prozac (fluoxetine), before attempting to quit. Once you are stabilized on a dose of Prozac, you can attempt to slowly taper your dose.

Research suggests a slow taper that continues down past the therapeutic dose until your dose is nearly 0 milligrams.

Additional coping strategies include:

Social Support

Informing your friends and family about potential withdrawal symptoms, such as agitation, may help prevent interpersonal conflicts. 

Sleep Aids

If you are dealing with insomnia, a prescription or over-the-counter (OTC) sleep medication may be helpful.

OTC Medications

You can use OTC pain relievers, like Tylenol and Advil, to help with aches and pains or Pepto-Bismol to help with nausea and vomiting.

Always talk with your healthcare provider first to make sure these medicines are safe for you.

Relaxation Techniques

Meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises are all good ways to reduce stress and agitation.

Exercise

Aerobic exercise helps improve your mood and boost energy. Aim for a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise four times a week.

Diet

A diet rich in whole grains, fruits, and vegetables can help keep your body energized during your withdrawal experience.

Mindfulness

One of the best ways to cope with withdrawal symptoms is to recognize that what you are feeling is a result of your antidepressant withdrawal—and is only temporary.

Paxil Withdrawal Warnings

When coming off antidepressants like Paxil, there is a risk that your depression or anxiety may return. Studies have shown that, overall, compared to people on antidepressants, people quitting antidepressants are more likely to attempt suicide.

Although changes in mood and behavior often occur when going on and off antidepressants, it is important for friends and family to keep an eye out for signs of serious distress. Signs that you or someone you love is suicidal include the following:

  • Planning how you would commit suicide if you were going to do it
  • Talking or thinking about suicide more than normal, for example, “I wish I were dead”
  • Gathering the means to commit suicide, such as bullets or pills
  • Feeling hopeless or trapped, or having intense mood swings
  • Engaging in risky or self-destructive activities, such as driving drunk
  • Becoming preoccupied with death, dying, or violence
  • Getting affairs in order or giving away belongings
  • Saying goodbye to people as if it were the last time 

Pregnancy and Paxil Use

If you become pregnant while taking Paxil, it is important to talk with your physician as soon as possible because you will have some decisions to make. Your care provider can help you weigh the risks and benefits of continuing on your medication or stopping it.

Further, women with depression who discontinue antidepressants during pregnancy are about five times more likely to have a relapse than women who continued taking them.

There is some data to suggest that women who use antidepressants during the second and third trimesters are at a slightly increased risk of going into pre-term labor and delivering the baby before it is fully developed. There is also a less than 1% risk that your baby could develop a life-threatening condition known as persistent pulmonary hypertension.

Long-Term Treatment Options After Paxil Discontinuation

Your long-term treatment plan will depend on your initial diagnosis and your current symptoms. It is best to work with your physician to make a plan that fits your individual needs.

If you didn’t tolerate Paxil well but are still experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety, your care provider may want to introduce a new medication or combination of medications. If you no longer wish to take medication, they may recommend alternative therapies, such as psychotherapy. 

Psychotherapy (talk therapy) is an evidence-based treatment for depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that can help relieve and prevent depression. Research suggests that psychological interventions during antidepressant tapering can be an effective alternative for relapse prevention.

Complementary and alternative therapies include:

  • Biofeedback
  • Equine therapy
  • Meditation
  • Mindfulness training
  • Dietary changes
  • Natural supplements

Resources

If you feel your physician isn’t helping sufficiently with your condition, seek a second opinion or, consider finding a new psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist in your area. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has a searchable directory of qualified providers. You can also call them at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

If you have health insurance, you can also search the company’s list of local providers who accept your insurance. The main thing to remember is that help is available, so you don’t have to face depression or antidepressant withdrawal alone.


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10 Anti-Aging Foods That Will Keep You Young and Sharp

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • What you eat can significantly affect how you age.
  • A diet rich in antioxidants and anti-inflammatory compounds can help slow cognitive decline and cellular aging.
  • That said, food is just one part of the equation. The doctors we quoted note that regular physical activity, quality sleep, social support, stress management, and preventive health screenings are just as important. 

From cold plunge pools to collagen supplements, the anti-aging industry is full of products that promise to keep you younger and sharper for longer. But the easiest and most effective place to start might just be your plate. After all, we are what we eat, right? 

Diets rich in antioxidants and anti-inflammatory compounds reduce oxidative stress that speeds up cellular aging, fight chronic inflammation, and support mitochondrial function, says Dr. Mark Kovacs, FACSM, a performance physiologist. “These are all important for staying younger at a cellular level,” he adds.

Here are 10 superfoods to load up on for staying younger and sharper, no matter your age:

Should You Eat Anti-Aging Foods to Stay Younger and Sharper?

While certain foods may offer anti-aging benefits, they shouldn’t be used as a substitute for medication or professional treatment for serious health conditions.

It’s also important to note that no single food can stop the clock, so a balanced diet high in antioxidant-rich whole foods is your best bet. Also, be mindful of portions. More isn’t always better, so avoid consuming more than the recommended daily servings. 

“Cutting back on processed foods and added sugars is also key to minimizing cellular stress,” says Dr. Lisa Billars, chief of neurology and sleep medicine at Kaiser Permanente, Atlanta.


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How the 4 Types of Friendships Impact Your Life

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Key Takeaways

  • Friendships can change over time, and it’s normal for them to evolve as we grow.
  • There are four main types of friends: acquaintances, casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends, each playing different roles in our lives.
  • A good friend is someone who respects your boundaries, supports you, and brings out the best in you.

We know that friendship is important to our health and happiness. In fact, research shows us that friends are as important to our well-being as family. However, friendship can span a ton of different types of relationships.

There are the friends we only meet at parties, and there are our ride-or-die BFFs. There are the friends we’ve grown up with, who know our lives inside out, and there are work friends whom we eat lunch with every day. There are friends we hang out with once in a while, and friends whom we can’t go a day without talking to.

All of these different types of friends play different roles in our lives. Whatever types of friends you have, it’s important to know the signs of a good friend versus a bad friend, and how to know if someone isn’t a good friend anymore.

The 4 Types of Friends

Verywell Mind tapped Britt Melewski, LMSW, a practitioner at The Dorm, to unpack the four different types of friendships and how they fit into our lives.

Acquaintances

Acquaintances are friends we’ve met a few times, either at parties or through mutual friends. We kinda sorta know their names and a little bit about their lives; however, we probably haven’t had any deep heart-to-heart conversations with them or spent much time with them one-on-one.

Acquaintances are people whom we have surface-level interactions with, without any significant emotional involvement in the relationship, Melewski explains.

Acquaintances can offer:

  • Friendly interactions: We might have a friendly, casual chat with an acquaintance if we run into them at a party or a coffee shop. The vibe is typically easy breezy.
  • Social media connections: We may like or comment on each other’s social media posts from time to time.
  • Networking opportunities: We may occasionally help each other out with ideas, advice, or connections, particularly if we discover that we share a common hobby or interest.

Casual Friends

Casual or social friends are people we might befriend at the office, gym, or book club, for instance. 

We know more about the person than we would about an acquaintance; however, the foundation of the relationship often rests on shared environments or activities, like a sports team, a workplace, or a hobby group, Melewski explains. “The connection is more tied to the shared activity than a strong personal bond.” 

We might interact with these friends fairly regularly because of the shared environment or activity. As we get to know each other, we might start to chill with them before, during, or after the activity.

Casual friends might offer:

  • Companionship: Casual friends are our go-to people for activities such as getting lunch together at work or hitting up the neighborhood juice bar after yoga class.
  • Shared interests: We might share common interests or hobbies with these friends. Whether it’s a love for a particular sport, a hobby like baking, or an enthusiasm for a specific TV series, casual friends provide an outlet for discussing shared interests.
  • Light-hearted conversation: We can engage in light and fun conversations with casual friends. These conversations may involve laughter and playful banter as we spend time together and discuss everyday topics.
  • Low-pressure interactions: Unlike close friends or family members, there’s less pressure and emotional investment in casual friendships. We can enjoy each other’s company without the expectation of being intimately involved in each other’s lives.

Close Friends

Close friends are our besties, the people in our inner circle. These are the friends that we bond with instantly, talk to often, share our struggles with, and confide our deepest darkest fears to. These are often the friends that our values most closely align with, Melewski explains.

Close friends offer:

  • Emotional support: Close friends are our emotional anchors. They provide a safe space where we can freely express our thoughts, feelings, and fears without worrying about being judged.
  • Trust: These friends are the ones we can count on, no matter what. They’re loyal to us and have our back.
  • Comfort: Close friends provide comfort and consolation in times of loss, heartbreak, and grief. They understand our pain and offer emotional and practical support.
  • Fun: Close friendships are also characterized by a lot of fun and laughter. We have inside jokes, common interests, and a shared sense of humor.
  • Quality time: Spending time with close friends is a priority. We enjoy each other’s company and make an effort to connect regularly, whether over a meal, coffee, or a fun activity. These friends are our go-to people for celebrating birthdays, holidays, achievements, and special occasions.
  • Advice: Close friends are our sounding boards. When we’re considering an idea or facing a dilemma, they offer support, advice, guidance, and perspective.

  • Love: Close friendships are built on a foundation of love and care. These friends accept us for who we are, flaws and all, and love us unconditionally. Our well-being is genuinely important to them.
  • Accountability: Close friends hold us accountable for our actions and decisions. They give us honest feedback, helping us grow and make better choices. Their inputs come from a place of love and genuine concern.

Lifelong Friends

Lifelong friends are the people we’ve been friends with since childhood. These are often the friends you can be your most authentic self with, says Melewski.

Lifelong friends offer:

  • Steadfastness: Lifelong friends have a steadfastness that is similar to that of family members. They’ve been a part of our life’s journey from childhood to adulthood. They’ve been a constant presence in our lives and their friendship has stood the test of time.
  • Shared experiences: These friends have witnessed the different phases of our lives and crossed every milestone with us. Our shared history creates a strong sense of connection and understanding.
  • Belonging: In many cases, lifelong friends become as close as family. We share traditions, holidays, and significant life events with them, creating a deep sense of belonging.
  • Familial ties: Lifelong friends are often close to our family members and vice versa, creating familial ties that go beyond just our relationship.
  • Timelessness: These friendships transcend time and distance. Even if we haven’t seen each other in years, it feels like no time has passed at all when we reunite. Lifelong friendships pick up right where they left off.

  • Lifelong memories: Lifelong friends are keepers of our shared memories. They remember the childhood stories, the inside jokes, and the adventures we’ve had together, making every reunion a trip down memory lane.

Friendships Ebb and Flow

These categories aren’t necessarily permanent, fixed, or as clear-cut as we might want them to be—and that’s OK, says Melewski. 

For instance, he explains that an acquaintance can become a close friend or a work colleague who starts off as a casual friend can become a best friend with time. “On the other hand, knowing someone from childhood doesn’t always guarantee an intimate connection. Childhood friends need more than history; they require mutual support and effort.”

He adds that relationships, friendships included, are destined to naturally ebb and flow, aligning with one’s personal growth. “For example, how we are able to show up in a friendship when we are in high school or in our college years may look different than when we are in the throes of new parenthood or a demanding career.”

Signs of a Good Friend

If you’re trying to determine whether someone is a good friend, Melewski recommends asking yourself the following questions:

  • Do you feel comfortable being your most genuine, authentic self around this person?
  • Do they generally bring out the best in you?
  • Do you trust them with the information you share with them?
  • Do you feel respected and embraced for who you are?
  • Can you confidently seek their assistance?
  • Can you safely express your disagreement?
  • Are open conversations and constructive feedback a part of your dynamic?

If your responses to these questions are predominantly “yes”, chances are that you have a good friend in this person, says Melewski.

Signs of a Bad Friend

On the other hand, these signs could indicate that someone is not necessarily a good friend:

  • Betrayal: The person betrays your confidences or spreads gossip about you behind your back.
  • Jealousy: The person competes with you and feels jealous or threatened by your success.
  • Constant criticism: They constantly criticize you, belittle your achievements, or make hurtful remarks, eroding your self-esteem and self-worth.
  • Self-centeredness: They are self-centered and tend to consistently put their needs and interests ahead of yours. They are dismissive of your feelings, problems, or accomplishments and only focus on their own.
  • One-sidedness: They never initiate contact, plan get-togethers, or reach out. You’re the one making all the effort to maintain the friendship. 
  • Manipulation: They manipulate you emotionally, gaslight you, guilt-trip you into doing things you’re not comfortable with, take advantage of your kindness, or create unnecessary drama in your life.
  • Disrespect for boundaries: They disregard your boundaries and push you into situations you’re uncomfortable with.
  • Inauthenticity: If you find it challenging to be your true self, feel compelled to compromise your authenticity, and are always treading on eggshells around them, the relationship might not be a positive one, says Melewski.

How to Know Someone Is No Longer a Good Friend

Sometimes, we refer to people as our friends because we have a shared history with them, even if the dynamic has changed over time.

There are many factors that go into whether or not someone is still a good friend but most of it drills down to how you feel in the relationship over time, says Melewski. He recommends asking yourself:

  • Is the friendship feeling one-sided?
  • Do you feel that you are no longer being heard, understood, or prioritized?
  • Are your boundaries not being respected?
  • Does your time spent together feel draining?
  • Has there been a breach of trust with no effort to repair it?
  • Do you feel like they’re competing with you in some way?
  • Are you feeling used?

If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” it may be worth reevaluating the friendship and discussing your concerns with your friend.

Sanjana Gupta Bio Photo

By Sanjana Gupta

Sanjana is a health writer and editor. Her work spans various health-related topics, including mental health, fitness, nutrition, and wellness.


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Coping When Your Spouse Has ADHD

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • To prevent burnout, divide household tasks based on who does them best and allow your partner to manage their responsibilities.
  • Open communication is important; use “I feel” statements to express your emotions without blaming your partner.
  • Taking care of yourself through exercise, sleep, and social support is essential to cope with ADHD spouse burnout.

ADHD spouse burnout happens when frustration and chronic stress that can come from having a partner with ADHD cause people to become exhausted and overwhelmed. If your partner has ADHD, there are times when you may feel confused, discouraged, or even frustrated because you don’t understand their traits and characteristics.

While having a spouse with ADHD doesn’t automatically mean you’ll burn out, there may be unique challenges that couples face when one partner has ADHD. 

What Causes ADHD Spouse Burnout?

While there has been a considerable amount of research on how ADHD affects the lives of people who have a condition, there has been less attention devoted to how the disorder may affect their partners. 

Parents of children with ADHD may be prone to caregiver stress and burnout, but you may also be affected if your spouse has the condition. Like other chronic health conditions, ADHD can have an impact on the entire family. However, it is important to remember that every couple is different, and the condition’s impact will vary.

The hallmark characteristics of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity can impact an individual’s ability to fulfill their daily duties in some cases. This can affect their relationship and their partner in a variety of ways.

People with ADHD often struggle with tasks that involve executive functioning. Executive skills are those that allow people to:

  • Pay attention
  • Manage time efficiently
  • Organize information
  • Stay motivated
  • Monitor behavior
  • Regulate emotions

If a partner who has ADHD forgets to complete chores, appears to ignore their responsibilities, or doesn’t follow up on the things that they promised to do, it can create stress for the person who has the condition. It can also be a source of stress for their partner.

When household responsibilities become unbalanced, it can lead to burnout.

It is not uncommon for people to have untreated or undiagnosed ADHD in adulthood. This can be particularly frustrating if you don’t understand what is causing your spouse’s behaviors. Some people might mistakenly interpret their partner’s behavior as a lack of concern, leaving them feeling like they are in a one-sided relationship.

How You Might Be Affected by ADHD Spouse Burnout

Every marriage is unique and has its own challenges. Your partner having ADHD doesn’t mean that your relationship will be negatively affected. However, some couples do face unique situations related to a partner’s ADHD traits.

Maybe you notice that you take on more than your share of household responsibilities. For example, if your partner struggles to remember to clean the house, you might end up cleaning the house more often.

Or, if your partner struggles to focus on finances, you might take care of the finances yourself. Sometimes, you might organize your partner’s schedule and do their personal tasks for them.

If you feel too involved in trying to manage your partner’s life, you might feel isolated in your relationship, while your partner ends up feeling criticized and rejected. It’s a potentially frustrating dynamic that can leave both of you feeling lonely and overwhelmed.

While you might be operating with good intentions, your partner may feel that you don’t trust them to take on household responsibilities or to manage their own life. Instead of being equal partners in the relationship, you may end up micro-managing your spouse, taking on too many responsibilities, and treating them more like a child than an adult partner.

Some studies have found that partners without ADHD experienced dissatisfaction with the relationship and their level of intimacy with their partner. Some emotions that a partner may experience that relate to their spouse’s ADHD traits include:

  • Anger 
  • Frustration
  • Stress
  • Feeling neglected
  • Feeling ignored
  • Tired
  • Overworked
  • Unwanted 

Recap

Trying to micromanage your partner or take over all of the things they may struggle with can lead to frustration and burnout. In addition to leaving you stressed and overworked, such actions may cause your partner to feel shamed, criticized, or guilty.

How to Cope With ADHD Spouse Burnout

If you’re struggling with relationship problems and signs of burnout, you can take steps to find relief. These strategies can help you feel better, and they can also promote better communication and boundaries with your partner.

Avoid Excessive Caretaking

The first step is to evaluate your current dynamic and figure out what’s contributing to stress and burnout. Are you taking on too much responsibility in your relationship? Do you avoid letting your partner manage their responsibilities? 

While it can be challenging, it is important to let your partner take care of things themselves. While you should be supportive, you also need to give your partner the space and freedom to find the strategies that work for them.

There might be frustrations along the way. Your partner might forget to finish a project or miss an appointment. Instead of nagging or berating them, work on praising efforts and consider incorporating adaptive tools that can help, such as visual timers, daily planners, and digital apps. 

Consider Roles and Responsibilities

Dividing up household tasks based on who is best equipped to handle them can be a great way to reduce the stress and frustration both of you experience. By both of you taking on the chores and duties in the areas where you excel, you can work together as a team and ensure that both of you are contributing in ways that are moving you forward.

For example, have a conversation with your spouse in which you discuss what both of your strengths are. Maybe you agree to keep a chore calendar on the wall where you can easily refer to your duties week by week. If your spouse prefers mowing the lawn and you prefer doing the dishes, for example, you can create a schedule that reflects your preferences.

The key is to remember that it isn’t your job to do it all. Taking on too much responsibility doesn’t do you or your partner any favors.

Work On Communication

Communication is an important part of any successful relationship. Respecting your partner’s journey with ADHD means understanding that they may have a different way of communicating and processing information.

The first step in improving communication when your partner has ADHD is understanding their condition and how it affects them.

Recognize that they may have their own way of doing things and their own way of communicating.

Being able to talk about the challenges you are both facing is essential. Bottling up your frustrations is a recipe for resentment, but you also don’t want to constantly vent your anger to your partner. Instead, work on being open and honest with one another. Share your thoughts and needs, and listen to what your spouse says.

Focus on treating your partner how you would also like to be treated. Avoid language that is shaming, blaming, or threatening.

Using “I feel” statements that express how you feel without blaming your partner can help prevent arguments and help engage your partner in finding ways to resolve different issues. 

Create Boundaries

Boundaries are important in any relationship and serve to communicate your expectations, including what you are willing and not willing to tolerate. Think about the things that are important to you, including what’s acceptable and what isn’t. 

Are there certain behaviors that make you or your partner feel disrespected, hurt, or ignored? Once you are aware of each other’s boundaries and recognize how your spouse’s ADHD traits may conflict with these boundaries, you can come up with strategies to treat each other with as much respect as possible.

For example, if your partner regularly makes impulsive decisions without consulting you, think of what you can do to create and enforce a boundary in this situation. In this case, you might agree to check in with each other before making certain decisions.

If these boundaries are violated, it is important to follow through with the consequences that you’ve both agreed are appropriate for a given situation.

Care for Yourself

Self-care strategies that can help if you are feeling burned out include:

  • Exercise: Regular physical activity can be a great way to cope with feelings of frustration and burnout. 
  • Mindfulness or meditation: These mind-body practices can help combat stress, build self-awareness, and focus on the present moment.
  • Sleep: You’re bound to have a short fuse if you are overtired. Focus on getting enough sleep each night to be better prepared each day.
  • Social support: Having loved ones that you can turn to when you feel burned out can be restorative. 

Talking to a mental health professional is also an important step if you feel like you are overwhelmed or stressed.

A therapist can help you identify problem areas and come up with solutions you can work on with your partner. They can also help you develop new coping skills and communication strategies that can prevent or alleviate these feelings.

A therapist or support group can also help you learn more about the characteristics of ADHD and how to communicate and set healthy boundaries with your partner.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Manage Your Expectations

Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic for how you want your partner to behave. While their ADHD traits may be challenging in some situations, their condition doesn’t define them. It’s important they feel they are being seen and heard in the relationship.

Instead of holding your partner to a standard they cannot meet, it may be time to find different ways to handle it. Understanding your partner’s needs and capabilities can help you work together to find solutions that will work for both of you.

Recap

There are strategies you can use to help minimize the risk of burnout and strengthen your relationship. This includes avoiding a caretaker role, dividing up responsibilities based on your individual strengths, and creating boundaries. Caring for yourself is also essential. 

What This Means For You

If your spouse has ADHD, the traits of the condition may create challenges in your relationship. This can also contribute to stress and burnout.

If you’re struggling to cope, improving your communication can help. Understanding your spouse’s condition is also essential. Look for ways to help your partner utilize their strengths, but ensure you also care for yourself. If you feel overwhelmed, reach out for help by leaning on your social support system or talking to a mental health professional. 


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The Type A Personality Test

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Key Takeaways

  • Type A behaviors might cause more stress and anxiety, but they’re not always bad for your health.
  • You can learn to react in ways that are better for your mental health with strategies like deep breathing and meditation.

Ambitious. Organized. Workaholic. Impatient. Persnickety. Stressed. If some or all of these words describe you, there’s a decent chance that you have been called Type A at one time or another. Or maybe you’re at the other end of the spectrum and consider yourself a Type B.

The Type A Personality Test

If you’re unsure whether or not you’re a Type A personality, this free and fast test can help give you some perspective on how you react to certain situations in your daily life.

Who Is This Type A Personality Test For?

This test is for anyone who might be wondering about Type A tendencies, either their own or those of a friend, coworker, or partner.

Remember, this quiz is for entertainment purposes only. While we may have certain personality quirks or patterns of behavior in certain circumstances, that doesn’t define us. You are more than just a “Type A” or “Type B” personality, even if you answered every question the same way.

This quiz is more of a way for you to think about your life and how you respond to the situations you encounter on a daily basis.

About This Test

The Type A and Type B personality dichotomy was introduced by the cardiologists cardiologists Meyer Friedman and Ray Rosenman in the 1950s and has since become a household way of thinking about ourselves.

They originally asserted that Type A personality traits were associated with higher levels of stress and health issues.

What This Test Says About Your Personality

While it may be true to some degree that Type A behaviors may lead to more stress and anxiety at times, it’s not set in stone that having these traits will put you at higher risk.

Additionally, there are always strategies available to you in the event that you need to calm down quickly, unwind after a tough day at work, or learn new ways to respond to your environment. Deep breathing, meditation, and other similar methods are well-researched ways to help you de-stress.

You may not always be able to change who you innately are in a significant way, but you can always learn to react in ways that may be better for your mental health and wellness in the long run.

What If I Don’t Like My Result?

Whether your results suggest you’re a Type A, Type B, or somewhere in between, know that nothing is that simple. Even the most Type A or Type B person is not 100% of that 100% of the time. The reality is that all of us have some elements of both types.

The key is finding the balance in your relationships, work life, and daily comings and going that works best for you, and surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones who understand and accept what makes you tick.

If you feel that some of your behaviors or responses to certain situations are causing you too much stress at work, harming your relationships, and even keeping you up at night, it might help to talk to a therapist. They can teach you a variety of strategies to help you respond in different ways to the situations that may be affecting your mental health.

Finally, don’t let anyone make you feel like your personality is something to be ashamed of or something that you need to change in order to be happy. If you find comfort in who you are, then your personality will always be a strength, not a weakness.

Elizabeth Scott, MS

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.


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How Holding a Grudge Can Hurt You

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Holding a grudge can make you angrier and hurt your mental health.
  • Letting go of grudges can improve how you feel and help you move on from the past.
  • Staying active and talking to friends are good ways to stop holding a grudge.

Holding a grudge is when you harbor anger, bitterness, resentment, or other negative feelings long after someone has done something to hurt you. Usually, it’s in response to something that’s already occurred, other times a grudge may develop after simply perceiving that someone is against you or means you harm—whether or not they actually do. Grudges also often feature persistent rumination about the person and/or incident at the center of your ill-will.

While we don’t often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they’ve been wronged.

If you’re still mad well after a precipitating incident, you may be holding on to those negative feelings for too long, sometimes well after other people typically would have let them go. You may remember multiple past bad acts and relive those experiences every time you think about or interact with that person—either making your displeasure abundantly clear to them or keeping your true feelings to yourself. You might be intentionally holding a grudge, but sometimes you aren’t even aware of it.

But whatever your intentions or the cause of your bitterness, holding a grudge can end up hurting you as much as the person who inspired it. Clinging to anger can impact you, emotionally, physically, and socially, so it’s important to learn to let go of your grudges and cope with anger in a healthier way.

Why We Hold Grudges

From early childhood on, holding a grudge is one way people respond to negative feelings and events. This reaction is particularly common when you think someone has done something intentionally, callously, or thoughtlessly to hurt you, especially if they don’t seem to care or make an attempt to apologize or make the situation right.

If you have low self-esteem, poor coping skills, were embarrassed by the hurt, and/or have a short temper you may be even more likely to hold a grudge.

While we all may fall into holding an occasional grudge, some people may be more prone to hanging on to resentments or anger than other people. Sometimes, holding grudges—and blaming others—may be a form of self-protection. In the same vein, some people may be more cognizant that they are stoking feelings of bitterness than others, who may be unaware of the role they play in keeping their anger alive. Lasting bitterness can grow from a variety of issues—large and small—as well.

For instance, holding a grudge may come about as a result of seemingly small slights, such as someone not picking you for a team, taking your preferred seat, not including you on a group text, not inviting you to an event, calling you by the wrong name, not noticing your new haircut, looking at you in a strange way, or even simply bumping into you.

Of course, resentments and prolonged anger more often spring from larger missteps, such as someone forgetting your birthday, not helping you when you need them, making a thoughtless or rude comment, or letting you down in another hurtful way. Grudges also naturally build from more egregious events like taking credit for your efforts at work, lying, false accusations, forgetting or ignoring something important, or making a pass at your significant other or the object of your crush.

Additionally, sometimes you and the person you feel wronged by may both be holding grudges against each other, further exacerbating the cycle of bitterness, anger, and blame. Holding grudges is sometimes related to people’s automatic negative thoughts and cognitive distortions.

Some grudges may be relatively short-lived, eventually getting resolved or simply fading away, while others can last a lifetime. However, while occasional anger, frustration, disappointment, disillusionment, feeling attacked, ignored, or let down, or other negative feelings towards others may be an unavoidable reality of life, coping with them in a positive way is imperative for healthy well-being—and holding grudges usually backfires on this front.

Is Holding a Grudge Harmful?

Essentially, holding a grudge isn’t good for you. It ensnares you in anger and makes you prone to persistent rumination rather than moving forward with your life. You might think that harboring ill-will harms the person you’re mad at, but ultimately you’re the one who suffers from it. Essentially, a grudge inhibits your ability to cope with or resolve your issue and keeps you stuck in the past—trapped in an unpleasant event or interaction that causes you distress.

The grudge doesn’t solve your problem and is highly unlikely to make you feel any better. While it is certainly unhealthy to not feel or fully process (and accept) your feelings, research shows that fixating on negative emotions rather than resolving them is also harmful—and can even make for an unpleasant demeanor and substantially erode your well-being.

Consider that the phrase “holding a grudge,” comes from the Old French word grouchier, which means “to grumble” and is related to the English word “grouch.” Related older English and German words have similar meanings that translate into “to complain,” “to wail,” “to grumble,” and “to cry out.”

Clearly, holding a grudge can be detrimental and painful for the person holding it—just like the hurt that inspired it.

Mental Health Effects

Grudge-holding can adversely impact your mental health in a variety of ways. Most importantly, harboring anger will, generally, just make you feel angrier. Instead of accepting and moving on from a negative experience or finding an acceptable resolution, holding on can trap you in a loop of resentment, bitterness, hopelessness, emptiness, or enragement.

Simply put, harboring negative feelings naturally makes you more exposed to these more unpleasant emotions and thoughts, which can skew your mindset toward negativity, either slowly or in a swift shift. And a focus on negativity can dampen your overall well-being.

Reliving the negative incident and emotions over and over can be upsetting, draining, and frustrating, as nothing gets resolved or changes, except, perhaps, that you end up feeling more enraged or hurt. In fact, studies show that ruminating about an unpleasant event makes it feel like the incident happened much more recently, despite the passage of time.

Additionally, if you ultimately exaggerate the experience or issue in your mind, which is fairly common, the act of holding the grudge may even become more painful than the event itself. And sadly, this is a self-inflicted wound that will likely just make you feel worse.

Built-up resentment and uncensored internal fury create the potential for added stress, worry, defensiveness, aggression, and negativity, which can also increase your propensity for mental health concerns, such as:

Researchers have shown that unhealthy emotional regulation, blaming others, suppressing emotions, and holding on to these negative feelings all beget more negative feelings. Forgiveness and acceptance, on the other hand, often lead to a more emotionally stable mindset, less stress, and healthier well-being.

Additionally, holding on to anger makes you more likely to fixate on revenge, including acts of aggression. Plus, living under stress leads to burnout.

Physical Health Effects

Studies show that holding on to anger rather than responding with forgiveness and/or moving on can have profound negative physical health effects as well, likely due to the added stress harboring grudges creates.

Chronic stress can cause a range of adverse health effects on the body, including on:

  • Cardiovascular health
  • Digestion
  • Reproduction
  • Sleep
  • The immune system

Headaches, insomnia, upset stomachs, heart disease, and asthma are all known to occur more commonly in those living under high levels of stress, particularly for those that don’t respond well to change or difficult situations. Finding productive ways to release anger, frustration, and other forms of stress, such as letting go of grudges, may mitigate these symptoms.

Excess anger has also been shown to adversely impact cognition and executive function. In fact, one study found decision-making skills to become impaired in those with high levels of anger. Memory and perception of reality may also be negatively associated with holding grudges as well.

Social Effects

Holding grudges can have a big impact on your social life as well. Having a bitter reaction to hurtful situations can cause estrangement from family members, ruin friendships, or otherwise limit the number of people with whom you socialize.

However, it’s important to note that minimizing or ending some relationships, particularly if you deem them to be toxic to your well-being, could be a good thing.

Still, take time to assess if you may be overreacting or if another measure can be taken to heal the rift before you cut someone from your life. Also, consider that the impact of harboring resentments may spill over into multiple relationships beyond the person you’re mad at to include others who may disapprove of the fact that you won’t let go of your angry feelings.

If people think of you as a person who regularly holds grudges, they may be less inclined to socialize with you or trust you to be there for them—even if you aren’t holding any grudges against them. Additionally, you may lose perspective about other aspects of your relationship with the person or people whom you feel wronged you.

For example, if you’re ultra-focused on the fact that your friend canceled your plans at the last minute, you may forget that they are usually very reliable, fail to empathize that they got overwhelmed at work, or not recall that you recently canceled on them, too.

Or you might miss that while your friend may occasionally be late or fail to show up, this issue has nothing to do with you—and that you don’t really want being mad about this unfortunate quality to derail your entire friendship. Additionally, if your partner did something truly hurtful, consider that only in forgiving them can you heal the relationship—assuming that’s what you want to do.

Also, if you have children, understand that you’re modeling this behavior. Routinely holding on to bitterness rather than processing negative feelings through forgiveness, acceptance, grieving, conflict resolution, or other healthier methods of coping teaches your kids to do the same.

Take the Anger Test

This short, free 21-item test measures a variety of symptoms and feelings associated with anger, such as anger about the present and future, anger towards the self, and hostile feelings toward others.

This anger quiz was medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS.

Possible Benefits of a Grudge

While it’s clear that routinely harboring grudges has many pitfalls, it’s important to look at any possible benefits that might come with keeping these negative feelings around. Firstly, as noted above, it’s not ideal to just brush off your feelings or bury them, so, in some situations, it might be preferable to hold a grudge than to completely avoid your feelings.

For some people, holding a grudge may be the first step in accepting and acknowledging their feelings to themselves and/or to the person who they feel wronged them.

While it’s usually better to deal with your feelings outright and, potentially, to discuss the matter directly with the person who upset you, holding a grudge may be more likely to get the ball rolling on those fronts than entirely ignoring a situation or your emotional response altogether. If temporarily holding a grudge gets you to call someone on behavior that hurt you or otherwise rectify a distressing situation, then there may be some good in the practice.

Often, people hold grudges when they feel someone has let them down. However, while it may be justifiable to be upset or resentful, as noted above, a healthier approach may be to address the situation head-on with the person in question, especially as misunderstandings or misplaced expectations are often the roots of these issues.

People often want someone to blame even if no one is really at fault, which can add to the appeal of holding a grudge, particularly if you keep your feelings to yourself and eventually let them go.

For example, sometimes someone does something (like bumping into you) that can have larger, unintended consequences (like you dropping your drink and spilling it all over your favorite skirt), which can make you hold a grudge even if being mad about the misstep seems a bit unfair—even if your skirt was ruined.

In this situation, you may not feel entirely vindicated or righteous in your anger but holding on to it may help you process the upsetting event. Keeping your grudge private may let you feel your anger without confronting the person you’re blaming, something you may not want to do if they aren’t really to blame.

This may not be an optimal way to cope with discomforting situations but may be preferable to overtly overreacting or accusing people of things they didn’t do.

Propensity to Hold Grudges

Research and anecdotal evidence alike point to the fact that some people are more inclined to hold grudges than others. People prone to jealousy, sensitivity, immaturity, negativity, and impulse control may be more apt to hold grudges. Cultural, lifestyle, parenting, environmental, genetic, and other factors may contribute to an individual person’s propensity to harbor resentments as well.

Those with certain personality types and traits may be more likely to engage in this response to angry or bitter feelings. In fact, those who are more empathetic, resilient, have a better ability to self-regulate, and have stronger coping skills are less likely to hold grudges. Interestingly, research also shows that certain lifestyle habits, including regular exercise, can also make you more amenable to forgiveness and flexibility.

Additionally, people who tend to be more irritable and emotionally volatile are more likely to harbor angry feelings and blame others rather than consider their own responsibility in a situation as well. In fact, people with a variety of different mental health conditions, including attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), are more likely to exhibit behaviors rooted in anger and irritability that may make them more prone to hold grudges.

Ultimately, some people may just be wired (or work hard) to rebound from hurts or deal with them directly, while others are more apt to become embittered. Some of this variance may be out of your control, but there are also strategies people can take to develop healthier anger management and coping mechanisms.

Holding a Grudge vs. Healthy Coping

So, how do you know when you’re holding a grudge rather than when you are simply feeling appropriately angry about something? The difference is that healthy anger typically dissipates with time and/or appropriate resolutions, such as talking it out, getting an apology, resolving a misunderstanding, reaching acceptance, and/or ending the relationship. In contrast, holding a grudge entails the opposite—not letting go or accepting a resolution of any kind.

Another strategy is to notice if you feel better or worse after thinking or talking about what happened. If it’s the latter then you may be processing your feelings in a productive way. However, if you feel more distressed, overwhelmed, or worked up after going over the events in your mind or discussing the issue, then you may be creating a grudge rather than coping in a healthy manner.

If you’re not sure, consider if a friend described what happened but as if it happened to them as well as your response, would you still feel as embittered if it wasn’t about you? Also, think about whether you would feel comfortable (or embarrassed) telling someone close to you about your internal thoughts regarding the grudge. Think about if you believe they would think your reaction was justified or an overreaction.

Additionally, you can always ask a person you trust for their opinion on how you’re handling the situation as well, as getting the perspective of someone else whose judgment you value can help you get a better sense of if you’re holding a grudge or just in the process of justifiable anger. In either case, talking out the situation and your feelings can assist you in making sense of what happened and how to move on.

Tips For Letting Grudges Go

If you find that you’re holding on to bitterness and grudges rather than letting them go, it may be helpful to talk to a counselor—or even to a friend or loved one, as noted above. Getting out of your head can help you clear the air and come up with a plan to seek a better resolution. Talking through your conflicts with a therapist can give you insights into why you hold grudges and help you develop the skills to respond more effectively to difficult or hurtful situations.

Additionally, before you jump to conclusions or condemn someone’s behavior, it can help to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Consider that your worst suspicions may not be entirely accurate. In fact, often someone else’s negative actions aren’t about you at all. Maybe they were just having a really bad day. Maybe they misunderstood what you were hoping they would do, or bad luck piled up despite their good intentions.

Invest time in learning and practicing positive coping skills, such as truly forgiving those that have hurt you and practicing healthy stress management techniques, including:

  • Accepting what happened, your feelings, and what you can do to make amends
  • Considering your own role and what you could have, and might do, differently
  • Cultivating empathy, for yourself (and the target of your grudge)
  • Distracting yourself—watch a movie, read a book, draw, or anything that you enjoy that gets your mind off of what’s bothering you
  • Doing yoga
  • Exercising
  • Focusing on the positive
  • Getting enough sleep
  • Learning anger management skills
  • Letting go of the past
  • Listening to the other person’s perspective
  • Living in the present moment (or mindfulness)
  • Making a plan for closure that considers both sides
  • Mediating
  • Practicing restorative breathing
  • Rather than judging your feelings, accepting and processing them
  • Saying (or texting, writing, or emailing) what you need to say to the object of your grudge
  • Setting healthy boundaries
  • Spending time with loved ones or a pet
  • Talking with supportive friends
  • Writing down your feelings

Ultimately, while it’s important to process grudge-worthy emotions, holding on to those feelings is typically unhealthy for all involved. Rushing to forgiveness or avoiding dealing with uncomfortable situations aren’t good solutions either.

Instead, aim to sort through difficult events and feelings, while, if needed, giving yourself a little time to grieve, be mad, or wallow. Just don’t let your methods of coping with the upsetting incident become a long-lasting state of being. Rather, aim to work through the issue, resolve it, and move on.


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