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If someone you know has borderline personality disorder (BPD), you may have noticed that as that person grows older (into their late 30s and 40s), their symptoms seem to decline in frequency and severity. In fact, this a common phenomenon among those with BPD and has become a major subject of research among healthcare professionals and psychiatrists. 

Age and BPD Symptoms

While researchers are not exactly sure why BPD symptoms decline with age, some experts have suggested some potential reasons, including burn out, learning, and avoidance of relationships. These can be linked to both biological and environmental factors. 

Burn Out

Some experts have speculated that BPD symptoms decline because the symptoms naturally “burn out” or that people simply grow out of the symptoms as they mature. In particular, research has shown that the impulsivity symptoms of BPD are the most likely to decline over time. This is consistent with the observation that, in general, older people engage in less impulsive behavior, even if they do not have BPD.

Just as partying all night loses its appeal for many in their forties and fifties, impulsive or reckless BPD behaviors may also seem less natural. 

Learning

Other experts think that BPD symptoms may decline because as you age, you learn how to better manage your symptoms. For some people, this learning may come as the result of intensive treatment, but for others, this may be the result of the natural learning that comes from negotiating life’s challenges.

Through experience and trying different treatment options and coping skills, you may be able to decrease the severity of symptoms or handle them before they start. This is similar to learning any skill—with practice over time, it becomes easier to accomplish. 

Avoidance of Intimate Relationships

Finally, experts have speculated that BPD symptoms decline because, over time, a person with BPD may learn to avoid situations that trigger symptoms. For example, for many people with BPD, problems in interpersonal relationships trigger the most intense reactions and symptoms.

While some people have reported success with this approach, it is hardly considered a solid treatment option. Avoidance and living a solitary life are not considered healthy approaches to BPD but does play a role in decreasing symptom frequency. 

Other Theories

It is important to note that some experts dispute whether it is a person’s age or simply the duration of time he or she has had BPD that is linked to the decline in their symptoms. In other words, is it the age of the person that predicts their symptoms, or how long they have had BPD?

Middle-aged adults with BPD were more likely to exhibit feelings of chronic emptiness and have higher degrees of social impairment. They were less likely to have impulsivity, engage in self-harm, or have rapid shifts in mood. 

How BPD Symptoms Change Over Time

Some research indicates that BPD symptoms tend to wax and wane over the course of life. Symptoms of the condition usually first appear in adolescence. While these symptoms may lessen or change as people grow older, they are often still present during later adulthood, while the presentation of these symptoms can depend on the situation and context. 

BPD Symptoms in Adolescence

BPD symptoms often start to emerge in early adolescence. Symptoms may worsen through adolescence, particularly if risk factors like low socioeconomic status, stressful life events, family adversity, and exposure to abuse are present.

During the teen years, symptoms typically include impulsivity, emotional instability, and identity issues. While such characteristics tend to be common in teens, they are more pronounced and enduring in kids with BPD.

BPD Symptoms in Adulthood

Researchers indicate that the adult symptoms of BPD are predominantly characterized by impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, maladaptive interpersonal functioning, and suicidality.

Despite improvements in impulsivity symptoms, questionnaires suggest that people continue to experience symptoms, including affective symptoms (such as anger, feelings of emptiness, and dysphoria) and interpersonal problems (such as fears of abandonment) throughout adulthood.

Longitudinal research suggests that certain factors are associated with remission and recovery. Such factors include having lower levels of neuroticism, higher levels of agreeableness, no history of childhood sexual abuse, and no family history of substance use.

Research has yet to identify the exact cause. Whether it is a result of natural maturation or a change in brain chemistry over time, scientists continue to look for the association, as it may significantly impact diagnosing and treating people with BPD in the future. If there is, in fact, a change in brain chemistry, it could mean that potential medications could mimic this effect and help lessen symptoms. 

Our early childhood experiences shape our self-concept and engagement with the world. These memories are key to our identity development as we move into adulthood. As a therapist, I often help clients reflect on their past, as the past helps us understand the present. But what happens if a client can’t remember their childhood?

There’s a common misconception that trauma is the main cause of childhood amnesia. A logical assumption but is completely unfounded. There are many reasons why one might not remember their childhood, from the complexities of brain development to a lack of social experiences.

If you’re worried about not remembering your childhood—and what possibly caused it—read on to learn more about childhood amnesia, how memory is developed throughout childhood, what causes these struggles with memory, and how to cope with the lost memories.  

Childhood Amnesia

Childhood amnesia, also known as infantile amnesia, refers to the inability of adults to retrieve early childhood memories. It’s completely normal to not remember episodic experiences that occurred from ages 0 to 3 and have a sparse selection of memories that occurred before age 10. Unlike “normal” adult memory loss where you forget small details over time, this memory recollection cannot be attributed to time passing.

Normal Memory Development in Childhood

Remember, it is natural not to remember everything from your youth. A study found that it is common for children to misestimate the ages their memories occurred as they grow up. For example, they might remember a particular play date but will state it happened over a year later than it did.

Part of what can cause normal memory loss is the development of the hippocampus. The hippocampus is a region of the brain which is particularly important in the formations of memories of events that happened to us. It is also one of the unique regions of the brain that continues to produce new neurons into adulthood.

One hypothesis about why early memories are not remembered is that as these rapidly growing new neurons in childhood get integrated into brain circuits, they disrupt earlier networks of memories.

Reasons Why You Might Not Remember Your Childhood

Episodic or autobiographical memories are typically stored in the hippocampus-dependent learning and memory system. That’s not the case for certain traumatic memories, where the hippocampus may be bypassed, engaging different areas of the brain making these memories more difficult to retrieve.

Childhood amnesia can also be caused by genetic mutations that deteriorate the hippocampus. Studies report that a gene mutation or cellular alteration can dysregulate the development of the hippocampus and lead to rapid memory loss.

How to Cope With Childhood Memory Loss

Not being able to recall your childhood memories may be concerning. It is important to recognize that aspect of this are expectable. However if this is causing you significant distress, it might be a good idea to seek out psychotherapy. A therapist can help you better understand and work through what this might reflect.

If there are aspects of this that relate to early trauma, there are therapies that can help in processing this such as eye movement and desensitization reprocessing (EMDR) and other trauma focused psychotherapies.

The inability to remember parts of your life can feel scary. Our past inevitably informs our present, and being unable to recall your past fully can leave you wondering if you’re missing out on understanding key parts of yourself. Some of these types of memory gaps are normal parts of brain development.

But if there are significant memory gaps that may be related to childhood trauma—it may be time to seek support. A therapist is a great place to start. If you sense there’s a medical issue causing your memory loss, give your doctor a call.

There are activities that we can focus on in the present that help us make positive memories, including being intentional and mindful with your time and taking photos or keeping a journal. It can all add up to a vault of memories you can cherish now and forever.

In psychoanalytic theory, countertransference occurs when the therapist projects their own unresolved conflicts onto the client. This could be in response to something the client has unearthed.

Although many now believe it to be inevitable, countertransference can be damaging if not appropriately managed. With proper monitoring, however, some research shows that countertransference can play a productive role in the therapeutic relationship.

Transference vs. Countertransference

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines countertransference as a reaction to the client or client’s transference, which is when the client projects their own conflicts onto the therapist.

Transference is a normal part of psychodynamic therapy. However, it’s the therapist’s job to recognize countertransference and do what’s necessary to remain neutral.

Four Types of Countertransference

There are four manifestations of countertransference. Three of these can potentially harm the therapeutic relationship.

• Subjective: The therapist’s own unresolved issues are the cause. This can be harmful if not detected.
• Objective: The therapist’s reaction to their client’s maladaptive behaviors is the cause. This can benefit the therapeutic process.
• Positive: The therapist is over-supportive, trying too hard to befriend their client, and disclosing too much. This can damage the therapeutic relationship.
• Negative: The therapist acts out against uncomfortable feelings in a negative way, including being overly critical and punishing or rejecting the client.

Countertransference is especially common in novice therapists, so supervisors pay close attention and help them become more self-aware. The mental health community supports seasoned clinicians by urging them to seek peer review and supervisory guidance as needed. Rather than eliminate countertransference altogether, the goal is to use those feelings productively.

Warning Signs of Countertransference

How does a therapist know they are experiencing countertransference? If you are someone in therapy, how do you know if your therapist is exhibiting the signs of it? If you’re concerned about the presence of countertransference in your therapeutic relationship, be aware of these warning signs.

In Adult Therapy

In general, be aware of whether the therapist has an inappropriate emotional response to the client. This might look like:

• An unreasonable dislike for the client or excessive positive feelings about the client
• Becoming over-emotional and preoccupied with the client’s case between sessions
• Dreading the therapy session or feeling uncomfortable during the session

In Child Therapy

Warning signs on behalf of the therapist include:

• Fantasies of rescuing the child from their situation
• Ignoring the child’s deviant behavior
• Encouraging the child to act out

Impact on Therapy

While it was originally a psychoanalytic concept, countertransference has been adopted and is used in other forms of therapy today. Although it’s important for your therapist to guard against feelings of countertransference toward you, countertransference has also been found to be beneficial.

In a systematic review of 25 countertransference studies, researchers found an association with positive countertransference, such as feeling close to the client, and positive outcomes, including improvement of symptoms and a good therapeutic relationship.

Additionally, a 2018 meta-analysis published in Psychotherapy examined countertransference’s effect on therapy and observed the potential negative effects and also the beneficial outcomes when it was managed well.

What to Do

If you think your therapist is experiencing countertransference, you can bring it up with them if and when the time feels right. Your therapist should be receptive to your concern. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, and that countertransference is getting in the way of effective therapy, it may be time to move on to a new practitioner.

Therapists can also take steps to manage countertransference. The 2018 meta-analysis recommends therapists closely monitor themselves and work on their conflicts through personal psychotherapy, meditation, and self-care. They may also consider clinical supervision.

History of Countertransference

Sigmund Freud first described countertransference in 1910. Attitudes of the concept have changed over time. Freud first defined it as being in reaction to transference from a client, and it was thought of as largely detrimental to therapy.

However, this thinking changed around the 1950s, when countertransference started to be viewed as something that could be positive. The definition of countertransference was also broadened to include any reaction a therapist had to a client.

“I hate my in-laws” is something that many people find themselves thinking at least once in a while. When you get married, you not only marry your spouse, but you also marry their family. And while you may have fallen in head-over-heels in love with your partner, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll feel the same way about their parents.

It’s pretty common to butt heads with your in-laws from time to time. However, research has shown that discordant relationships with in-laws can increase a couple’s risk for divorce.

But just because you don’t see eye-to-eye with your mother-in-law or father-in-law doesn’t mean that your marriage is doomed. With a little bit of patience and understanding, you can learn to navigate the waters and build a healthy relationship with your in-laws—even if you don’t exactly love them.

Communicate With Your Partner

The first step is to talk to your spouse about your concerns. They may be completely unaware of the tension between you and their family members, and they can help mediate the situation.

In some cases, they might have a conversation with their family members or take steps to intervene in the conflict before it becomes worse. They may also be able to suggest ways of dealing with the problem or clear up misunderstandings that might be creating problems.

If they’re not willing or able to help, then you’ll need to take things into your own hands.

Avoid Sensitive Topics With In-Laws

There are certain topics that are likely to cause conflict between you and your in-laws. Whether it’s politics, religion, or your parenting style, it’s best to avoid these topics altogether. If you can’t avoid them, then be respectful and try to see things from their perspective.

Establish Boundaries With Your In-Laws

It’s important to set boundaries with your in-laws, especially if they’re overbearing or meddling in your life.

Examples of boundaries with your in-laws can include:

• Establishing how much time you will spend together
• Creating expectations around family traditions and holidays
• Explaining which topics you don’t want feedback on, such as your parenting, relationship, or health
• Creating guidelines about family visits, including whether it is acceptable to show up unannounced

Let them know what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not comfortable with. And don’t be afraid to stick to your guns—even if it means saying “no” to them.

Don’t Take Things Personally

There will be times when your in-laws say or do something that hurts your feelings. But it’s important not to take things personally.

This can be tough when it sometimes feels like what they are saying is specifically aimed at you. But it’s important to remember that they may not be intentionally trying to hurt you.

Tactics that can help include:

• Trying to give them the benefit of the doubt
• Focusing on your own achievements and strengths
• Practicing mindfulness
• Writing down your thoughts in a journal

Instead of worrying about what they think, remind yourself that the only opinions that matter are yours and your partner’s.

If nothing else, remember that they’re just human like everyone else.

Accept Your In-Laws As They Are

Your in-laws are never going to change, so it’s important to accept them for who they are. Some strategies that can help you accept other people as they are include:

• Reminding yourself that you cannot change them
• Recognizing the things that tend to trigger your ire
• Considering how things would be if you offered acceptance rather than criticism
• Letting yourself feel your emotions without being overwhelmed by them

Trying to change them will only cause tension and conflict. So instead, focus on accepting them and building a relationship with them that works for both of you.

Be Thankful for the Good Moments

No matter how difficult your relationship with your in-laws may be, there will always be good moments too. Cherish these moments and be thankful for them.

Strategies that can help you experience greater gratitude include:

• Using mindfulness to focus on the present moment
• Savoring the good times
• Writing down the things you are grateful for in a gratitude journal

Spend Time With Them

It can be difficult to spend time with your in-laws if you don’t particularly enjoy their company. But if you can find activities that you both enjoy, it can help build a stronger bond between you. This could be anything from going for walks to playing cards to watching a movie together.

Start with short visits and gradually increase the amount of time you spend together. This will help you get used to their company and build a stronger relationship over time.

Find Common Ground

One of the best ways to build a relationship with your in-laws is to get to know them better. Ask them about their life, their interests, and their opinions on various topics.

You might find it easier to get to know them if you meet in a place where you feel more comfortable. For example, you might invite them over to your place once in a while to play card games or enjoy a meal together at one of your favorite restaurants.

The more you know about them, the easier it will be to find common ground and build a strong relationship. Finding a shared interest, whether it’s a hobby or a tv show, can give you something to talk about even if you disagree on other topics.

Seek Advice and Support

If you’re struggling to deal with your in-laws, it’s important to seek out support from someone who can offer impartial advice. This could be a friend or a relative who is one step removed from the situation. They’ll be able to offer you support and guidance without any bias.

If your negative feelings about your in-laws are causing distress or interfering with your ability to function in your life, consider talking to a mental health professional. They can help you explore some of the reasons why these relationships are so upsetting and help you develop healthy coping strategies that can help.

Express Your Feelings

It’s important to find a way to express your feelings in a healthy way. This could be through writing, artistic expression, or other forms of self-expression. Other ideas for expressing your emotions include:

• Talking to a friend
• Using positive self-talk or positive affirmations
• Turning to spiritual practices
• Using body movement to express your feelings
• Channel your emotions into a creative hobby
• Read a novel or self-help book that is related to what you are feeling

It’s important to find a way to release the anger, frustration, and hurt that you’re feeling, or else it will only fester and grow over time.

Be Patient

Building a strong relationship with your in-laws takes time and patience. It won’t happen overnight, so don’t expect it to. Be patient and understanding, and eventually, you’ll be able to develop a strong bond with them.

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As a therapist, I already knew a thing or two about grief—at least on an intellectual level. I’d learned about things like “complicated grief” in graduate school and treated my fair share of people struggling with loss.

But I gained a new understanding of grief after my husband died. I spent a solid decade grieving a series of losses. I lost my mom at 23 and became a widow at 26. My father-in-law passed away just a few years after that.

While all three losses were painful, losing my husband, Lincoln, taught me the most about grief. Here’s what I learned:

Grief Comes in Waves

After my husband died, the grief initially felt constant. As the months passed, however, the painful feelings came in waves. Sadness, anger, anxiety, and many other jumbled emotions would come and go.

I might laugh one minute only to feel guilty that I was having fun just moments later. Or, an otherwise happy trip to the store might be interrupted with tears when I remembered I no longer needed to buy Lincoln’s favorite cereal.

Grief Makes Your Brain Play Tricks on You

Even after my husband died, there were times my mind would almost act as if he were back. There were moments when I’d think, ‘I can’t wait to tell Lincoln about this!’ And then, I’d remember this was permanent. He wasn’t just away on a trip that would end with him walking through the door again. He was gone.  

It was as if my brain couldn’t quite process the permanency of my situation all at once, though. It took a while for the gravity of my loss to really sink in. And until it did, my brain often tricked me into thinking that somehow, relief was around the corner.

Kind People Make a Huge Difference

In the days after my husband died, some people sent cards. Others delivered food to my house. And lots of people spent time with me. It was such a relief to be surrounded by kind people who cared.

Most people weren’t sure what to say or do. But all acts of kindness helped me feel a little less alone.

It’s Hard for People to Sit With Someone Who Is Sad

It’s really tough to sit with someone when they’re in emotional pain. So it’s not surprising that a lot of people tried to cheer me up with jokes or by offering a ‘silver lining’ to my situation.

Of course, their heart was in the right place. And while having fun and sharing laughs can be part of the healing process, there was sometimes pressure to act like I was doing better than I felt. I didn’t want other people to feel uncomfortable being around me.

Practical Tasks Feel Overwhelming

And, of course, the list of practical things I had to get done after my husband died didn’t end with the funeral. I had to decide what to sell (like Lincoln’s car), send death certificates to cancel services, and figure out how to get by financially once I was down to one income.

Those tasks are so hard to do. Regrettably, I’m sure I took out my frustration on more than one customer service agent who refused to talk to me because the cable bill was in Lincoln’s name and not mine.

Grief Doesn’t Have a Timeline

The mental health agency where I worked as a therapist granted me three days of bereavement time. Sadly, that’s more than some people get when they lose a loved one.

Clearly, I was not in shape to work as a therapist after three days. I applied for short-term disability but was told our disability plan “doesn’t cover grief.” But as a therapist, I knew they covered other mental health issues. My physician diagnosed me with PTSD the following week—and that diagnosis granted me three months off from work.

Some people insisted I start dating after six months. Others encouraged me to make some big changes after one year. But I knew I couldn’t depend on the calendar to tell me when the timing was right. I had to do what felt right for me.

Grief Is the Process by Which We Heal

Grief is unquestionably painful. And it’s tempting to try and go around the pain. I wanted to distract myself and fast forward until I felt better.

I had to allow myself to experience many really uncomfortable emotions if I wanted to come out on the other side someday.

And I’m grateful now that I did. As tough as those years were, allowing myself to feel painful emotions then, allows me to feel pleasant emotions now.

These days, I get to live a life beyond my wildest dreams. I live on a sailboat full-time in the Florida Keys. And while I’ll never say, “I’ve moved on,” I will say, “I’m moving through grief.”

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Support Is Essential

Writing an obituary and planning a funeral would be tough for me on my best day. But doing those things when I was at my worst felt nearly impossible.

Although your journey through grief will be an individual one, getting support can help you through the process. Whether that means talking to an individual therapist, attending an in-person support group, or subscribing to an online grief forum—hearing other people’s stories, coping skills, and experiences might help you feel less alone as you work through the pain.