Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Falling in love is easy, but relationships can be hard—despite what Hollywood tries to sell us. Like anything else in life worth having, relationships take work. Some couples successfully weather the storms that inevitably arise, while others simply drift apart.

When it comes to coupling, there is no instruction manual. Remember that old playground mantra: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes so and so and a baby carriage?

If only it were that simple. While some couples follow this traditional trajectory, many people do not. Fewer couples are getting married, some are having children before marriage, and some are choosing not to have children at all. Every relationship, like every individual, is unique.

Regardless of the path one chooses when it comes to romantic relationships—whether it’s down the aisle or across continents—the inherent stages of love and attachment essentially remain the same. A couple’s ability to navigate these stages is often the key to their relationship satisfaction.

Neuroscientists and “experts in love” have outlined four stages of a relationship. They go from falling in love to living happily ever after (or, at least, for a while). Here are the stages they’ve found, along with ways to successfully navigate each one.

The Euphoric Stage

The euphoric stage is sometimes known as the “honeymoon phase.” What makes this stage so magical?

For the past several decades, Helen Fisher, PhD, neuroscientist and Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and Lucy Brown, PhD, Clinical Professor in Neurology at Einstein College of Medicine in New York, have been studying the brain activity of people in love, from the early to the later stages.

Brown explains, “In the early part of a relationship—the falling in love stage—the other person is the center of your life. You forgive everything in these early stages. The other person has faults, and you see them, but it doesn’t matter. Maybe they leave their dirty dishes in the sink, but they make you laugh at least daily, so it’s okay. Good things outweigh the negative here.”

One of the most significant findings in the brain mapping studies (which was determined to be a key factor in relationship success) involves what Brown refers to as the suspension of negative judgment.

When they followed up with participants, the researchers found that the couples who had stayed together for three years or more had the most decreased activity in this part of the brain.

Take the Love Quiz

Our fast and free love quiz can help you determine if what you’ve got is the real deal or simply a temporary fling or infatuation.

This love quiz was reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT.

How Long Will It Last?

How long does the romantic phase last? Studies have estimated the euphoric stage can last anywhere from six months to two years. Although a small portion of the population (approximately 15% to 30%) say they are still in love and that it still feels like the first six months—even after 10 or 15 years later.

Brown explains, “We don’t know why this is. I don’t necessarily think it’s because they have found their soulmates. I think it’s the person. Some people have an easier time rekindling the earlier stages. Not to say the rest of us can’t.”

For the general population, the intoxication of new love will eventually morph into the next stage: early attachment.

The Early Attachment Stage

In the previous stage of euphoric love, unconscious factors like attraction and the activation of the reward system take over. In Fisher and Brown’s studies, the brain scans of couples in the early stages of love showed high levels of dopamine, the chemical that activates the reward system by triggering an intense rush of pleasure.

In this next stage, the more evolved part of the brain begins to take over, including the ventral pallidum (the region of the brain linked with feelings of attachment, and the attachment hormones, vasopressin, and oxytocin—sometimes referred to as “the love hormone”).

Couples that had been married for at least one year described love differently. “It’s richer, deeper, it’s knowing them better,” says Brown. “Memories have been integrated—both positive and negative—you’ve gone through some difficulties, and you’ve developed a strong attachment.”

The Crisis Stage

The third stage is often the make-or-break point for relationships. What happens at this stage is crucial to what comes next. Brown refers to this as the “seven-year or five-year itch.”

“Almost every relationship has a drift apart phase,” says Brown. “Either you will keep drifting, or you will come back together. You need a crisis to get through and to be able to talk about it together—you’ve both grown and changed.”

If a couple can overcome a crisis successfully, they will then move on to the next stage: deep attachment.

The Deep Attachment Stage

The deep attachment stage is the calm after the storm. By this point, a couple knows each other well, they’ve been through the inevitable ups and downs, they know that they can deal with crises, and they’ve likely made a plan for handling future crises.

When describing this stage of relationships, the term that Brown reiterates is “calm.” “When couples have been together for many years. It’s just very very calm. And it’s secure.”

Keeping It Going

How can we keep love going? According to researchers, one of the most effective ways of keeping the spark alive is novelty. Studies that have followed couples for years have found that doing new, exciting, and challenging activities together has huge benefits for relationships.

Dr. Art Aron, one of Fisher and Brown’s chief collaborators, and his wife, Dr. Elaine Aron developed the “Self Expansion Model” that offers insight into the early stages of love and partly explains why the first few months of a new relationship feel so intoxicating.

In the long term, reducing added sugars in our diet by just 20% can provide many health benefits, such as a lower risk of obesity, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease and improved liver health. But in the short term, giving up this sweet ingredient often results in uncomfortable sugar withdrawal symptoms like cravings and fatigue.

When trying to cut back on sugar, it can be helpful to understand what kinds of symptoms might be experienced and how long they will last. Here we explore both of these areas, as well as why giving up sugar is so hard and things we can do to feel better until sugar withdrawal symptoms fade.

Sugar Withdrawal Symptoms

Reducing sugar intake can lead to mental and physical withdrawal symptoms. The severity of these symptoms varies from one person to the next and can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.

Sugar withdrawal symptoms that may be experienced include:

• Anxiety or irritability
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Depressed mood
• Difficulty concentrating
• Dizziness or lightheadedness
• Fatigue or nausea
• Intense sugar cravings or cravings for other carbohydrates, like chips or pasta

Sugar withdrawal symptoms can be unpleasant, and cravings can sometimes lead to binge-eating behaviors. After a period of sugar withdrawal, some people give in to a craving and end up consuming more sugar than they normally would.

Binge-eating can be part of a vicious cycle of sugar dependence and withdrawal. After a binge, people often feel guilt and shame, also sometimes feeling depressed and angry. To make themselves feel better, they eat more sugar to get endorphins flowing again. Endorphins make us feel better while eating, but they don’t stick around for long.

Why Sugar Withdrawal Occurs

To understand why sugar withdrawal symptoms can be so bothersome and intense, it can be helpful to understand why they happen and how sugar affects the body.

Evolutionary Basis of Sugar Cravings

Believe it or not, there is an evolutionary basis for our ice cream cravings. Our early ancestors were biologically driven to seek out high-sugar foods, such as fruit and honey. Consuming sugars helped them build up body fat, which was essential for surviving periods of scarcity.

The brain rewarded this survival instinct by releasing feel-good neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters are the brain’s chemical messengers. There are billions of these molecules at work all the time, sending messages throughout the nervous system, allowing us to think, move, and breathe. They also affect mood.

How Sugar Affects the Brain

Sugar triggers a release of endorphins in the brain. Endorphins are natural opioids that are widely recognized for reducing pain after injury and boosting happiness after exercise. Sugar also triggers a release of dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter linked to cravings.

In animal studies, researchers have found that sugar withdrawal mirrors withdrawal from other drugs, like cocaine and heroin. But animals seem to be more prone to “sugar addiction” than we are. In one study, when given a choice between cocaine and sugar, cocaine-addicted rats primarily chose sugar.

Whether or not we can become addicted to or physically dependent upon sugar depends largely on the definition of addiction being used. That said, it does appear that many people experience withdrawal-like symptoms when they give sugar up.

Healthy Sugars vs. Added Sugars

Sugar is a tricky thing. There are sugars in many of the healthy foods we eat, including fruit, bread, and dairy products. When we talk about sugars from a health perspective, what we are usually talking about is refined sugar added to things like bread, candy, and soda. This includes table sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, and white flour. 

Keto Diet Sugar Withdrawal

People who have eliminated all sources of sugar from their diet, including the sugars that naturally occur in fruit and dairy products, may experience what is known as ‘the keto flu.’ A ketogenic diet requires consuming less than 10% of one’s daily calories from carbohydrates—which may be less than 20 grams of carbs.

Without access to sugar or other carbohydrates, the body has no source of glucose. Glucose is like fuel for our cells, and without it, we begin to starve. The body is forced to turn to its fat stores for an alternative fuel source, which causes a condition called ketosis.

Once ketosis begins, it can lead to symptoms such as:

• Bad breath
• Constipation
• Fatigue
• Headache
• Kidney stones
• Trouble sleeping
• Upset stomach

Basically, ketosis feels like a mild flu. These symptoms typically go away on their own after about a week. It just takes time for the body to adjust to its new reality.

Coping With Sugar Withdrawal Symptoms

When trying to reduce sugar intake or cut sugar from our diet, there are some steps we can take to help cope with sugar withdrawal symptoms.

Set Specific, Practical Goals

While there may be reasons to switch to a diet low in added sugars, it is often more realistic (and achievable) to look for practical ways to gradually reduce sugar intake.

For example, we might swap out sugary snacks for foods that are higher in proteins, fats, and whole grains. Or we may stop drinking high-sugar sodas and other sugary beverages, replacing them with water or other low-sugar drinks.

Increase Daily Fiber

Dietary fiber can help us feel fuller longer and reduce feelings of hunger. Foods that are high in fiber can also help regulate blood sugar levels. This means that we will be less likely to experience cravings due to blood sugar fluctuations.

Eat Balanced Meals

Focus on eating meals and snacks that include a good balance of protein, complex carbohydrates, and healthy fats. Ensuring that we are getting a good balance of healthy foods can help promote feelings of fullness, regulate blood sugar levels, and minimize cravings.

Get Enough Sleep

Sleep is essential for health and well-being. Additionally, research has shown that a lack of sleep may contribute to cravings for certain foods, including those that are high in added sugars.

Engage in Physical Activity

Getting regular physical activity can also be helpful when cutting back on sugar. Research has found that even short bursts of brisk exercise can help reduce sugar cravings. 

Tips for Successful Sugar Withdrawal

Sugar withdrawal doesn’t require long-term treatment because it passes relatively quickly. The main problem is sustaining a low-sugar diet as these restrictive diets can be too much for some people.

The key to changing our eating patterns is to find something we can live with long-term. If going sugar-free for three weeks is going to make us binge next month, it’s important to try a less drastic plan.

A diet rich in lean proteins, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables helps us sustain a healthy weight while giving our body the nutrients it needs to thrive. Processed foods tend to be packed with added sugars, so they should be limited. Instead, high-fiber foods like berries, oranges, or apples can satisfy an urge for something sweet.

Resources for Healthy Eating

There are a variety of resources available that can help us create a healthy meal plan.

• For tips on planning nutritious meals for the whole family, visit the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s helpful tools at MyPlate.gov.
• Check out the American Heart Association’s collection of recipes, which are specifically designed to create eating habits for greater heart health.
• People struggling with a food or binge eating disorder could benefit from seeking counseling, in addition to considering peer-to-peer support groups such as Food Addicts Anonymous (FAA) or Overeaters Anonymous.

Self-sabotaging behavior refers to intentional action (or inaction) that undermines people’s progress and prevents them from accomplishing their goals. Self-sabotage occurs when people hinder their own success.

While it seems surprising, some people undermine their own good intentions and long-term goals. When people take these destructive steps, their harmful behavior can negatively impact nearly every part of their lives including their relationships and career.

This article discusses why people engage in self-sabotaging behaviors and provides some examples of self-sabotage. It also explores steps you can take to stop undermining your own success.

What Causes Self-Sabotaging Behavior?

People thwart their progress for a variety of reasons. They may consciously or unconsciously commit acts of self-sabotage. The causes range from childhood issues to prior relationship effects. Other reasons for this type of destructive behavior vary from low self-esteem and coping problems to problems with cognitive dissonance, which will be explained below.

Conscious and Unconscious Self-Sabotaging

People who self-sabotage might be aware of their actions. For example, someone who’s overweight and on a diet might consciously sabotage their good efforts by eating a whole carton of ice cream.

Or they might unconsciously act. A person misses a work deadline. On the surface, it seems like he was running late. But the truth is he’s afraid of failure. He self-sabotages by missing the due date, thus he thwarts his goal to move up in the company.

Difficult Childhood

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can contribute to your acts of self-sabotage. Without a secure attachment style, you might have an ambivalent or avoidant attachment style. Our earliest engagement with caregivers affects how we connect to others.

If your parents told you growing up that you’ll never amount to much, maybe you handicap yourself so that you do fall short.

Difficulty in Relationships

If your ex constantly put you down, you might still feel vulnerable. Maybe they said they were wasting time trying to move forward with someone like you.

Now you’re in a great relationship, but you cheat on your partner. Or break up for no reason. You don’t feel good enough or you fear getting hurt again.

Based on one study on self-sabotage, 15 psychologists specializing in romantic relationships in Australia identified the main issues for the prevalence of self-sabotage in romantic relationships.

Low Self-Esteem

People with a negative self-image and low self-esteem are especially vulnerable to self-sabotaging. They behave in ways that confirm negative beliefs about themselves. So, if they are close to succeeding, they become uncomfortable.

Cognitive Dissonance

People showing this behavior struggle with cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort you may have holding two conflicting ideas at the same time. Human beings like to have consistency between their beliefs and actions.

For example, you are marrying someone great, but you come from a dysfunctional family. Your dad left, and your mother went from one abusive relationship to another. You, therefore, don’t believe in a stable, loving marriage. Yet, you are continuing to plan the wedding and send invitations.

Here’s a work-related example: You are about to land a great client and earn more money than ever before. Rather than do what it takes to propel yourself forward, you hold back because you don’t feel worthy.

So, you get drunk the night before the client meeting and miss it entirely. Rather than move ahead, you take actions to screw things up for yourself.

Examples of Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Mental health practitioners have identified common examples of the ways people self-sabotage. Three easy-to-identify examples include procrastination, perfectionism, and self-medication.

Procrastination

People who self-sabotage often procrastinate. Procrastination is a way you show others you’re never ready and put off a good outcome. It’s because people fear disappointing others, failing, or succeeding.

Perfectionism

Holding oneself to an impossible standard will cause delays and setbacks. While it seems like a positive strategy to aim for things to go as planned without a hitch, perfectionism hampers success.

When something does go wrong, as it inevitably will, perfectionists come undone. They end up feeling ashamed. Prone to depression, they feel like they are letting everyone down.

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Self-Medication

To deal with the constant battle between wanting to be successful and the script that plays in their brains saying they can’t be, many soothe themselves through drugs, alcohol, and self-injury.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging

If you’re working with a therapist or counselor, your best advice is to look to them for guidance. If you want some pointers on how to cease this negative behavior, here are some things you should consider to prevent you from causing more harm.

Examine the Root Causes

Look for patterns in your life. Have you been prone to thwart your good efforts repeatedly? Did these acts occur before you were about to succeed or when you were close to achieving your personal desires?

As mentioned, this behavior may stem from childhood. Some parents, either knowing no better or afraid that their children will be disappointed, tell their kids not to think big. Maybe they said, “Who are you to believe you can go to college? You need to work like the rest of us.”

Stop Procrastinating

Common behavior exhibited by those who self-sabotage is procrastination. If you keep putting something off what’s important to you, it might be easier emotionally than reaching a goal that you were told you’d never reach. 

One study was conducted on student procrastination in academic environments. Scientists found one common factor in procrastination involved a lack of self-regulation. This is due to students having a large degree of freedom, temptations, and distractions, and long deadlines.

Peer influence or social factors also influenced procrastination. Finally, a lack of skills in the area of study skills also contributed to procrastination.

Stop Looking Solely at the Big Picture

When you shoot for something big, like becoming a top salesperson where you work, a giant goal can feel overwhelming.

To prevent acts of self-sabotage, don’t get hung up on minutiae. Those who self-sabotage sometimes waste lots of time on unimportant details.

Another example: If you’re trying to get healthy, don’t make all-or-nothing decisions. Don’t throw in the towel if you miss the gym one week. Start back the next.

Stop Perfectionistic Thinking

Self-sabotaging people are often perfectionists. Maybe you overthink every detail, and everything has to be just right.

Aim to strive for excellence, not perfection. Make small improvements and note progress on the way toward accomplishing the desired goal.

Remember That Self-Sabotaging Takes Work

This negative behavior is time-consuming and takes a lot of work. Recent research shows that self-handicapping is resource-demanding.

A study by researchers at Indiana University reported in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology counterintuitive results. Early birds self-sabotage more in the morning and night owls self-sabotage more at night.

That means they undermined their performances not when they were tired, but when they had peak cognitive resources at their disposal. It, therefore, takes a lot of energy to continue this behavior, and it leads to maladaptive outcomes.

Treatment for Self-Sabotaging

Those who self-handicap may have a hard time regulating their emotions and behaviors. Behavioral dysregulation and emotional dysregulation are often caused by childhood trauma or neglect. This dysregulation can foster harmful reactions.

People who self-sabotage can find help for various problems, including alcohol and drug abuse, binge eating, angry outbursts, and self-harm.

The following therapies have also helped those who self-sabotage:

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) uses techniques effective in relieving cognitive distortions. Using these techniques helps you replace negative thought patterns and improve your overall well-being.
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) works well on problems that involve intense emotions. This could encompass impulsive behaviors, impulse control issues, and difficulties getting along with other people. You’ll learn to regulate your emotions better with this method.

Online therapy is available using various modalities. Seek out a therapist in your area to guide you.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse where the bully or abuser misleads the target, creating a false narrative and making them question their judgments and reality. Ultimately, the victim of gaslighting starts to feel unsure about their perceptions of the world and wonders if they are losing their sanity.

Gaslighting is usually performed over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories. This can lead to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and uncertainty of one’s mental stability. A common result of gaslighting is a dependency on the perpetrator.

Gaslighting primarily occurs in romantic relationships but can show up in friendships or among family members. People who gaslight others may have mental health disorders. They use this type of emotional abuse to exert power over others to manipulate friends, family members, or even co-workers.

How Do You Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You?

After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you may be left feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you. You may be encouraged to think you are actually to blame for something or that you’re just being too sensitive. 

Gaslighting can confuse you and cause you to question your judgment, memory, self-worth, and overall mental health. It may help to know more about the tactics a person who is gaslighting you might use.

This free quiz can help you determine whether gaslighting is happening in your relationship or friendship.

This gaslighting quiz was medically reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT.

What Are the Signs of Gaslighting?

Being subjected to gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns including addiction and thoughts of suicide. For this reason, it’s important to recognize when you’re experiencing gaslighting. Ask yourself if any of the following statements ring true:

• You doubt your feelings and reality: You try to convince yourself that the treatment you receive is not that bad or that you are too sensitive.
• You question your judgment and perceptions: You are afraid of speaking up or expressing your emotions. You have learned that sharing your opinion usually makes you feel worse in the end, so you stay silent instead.
• You feel vulnerable and insecure: You often feel like you “walk on eggshells” around your partner, friend, or family member. You also feel on edge and lack self-esteem.
• You feel alone and powerless: You are convinced that everyone around you thinks you are “strange,” “crazy,” or “unstable,” just like the person who is gaslighting you says you are. This makes you feel trapped and isolated.
• You wonder if you are what they say you are: The person who gaslights you says words make you feel like you are wrong, unintelligent, inadequate, or insane. Sometimes, you even find yourself repeating these statements to yourself.
• You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become: For instance, you feel like you are weak and passive, and that you used to be stronger and more assertive.
• You feel confused: The behavior of the person gaslighting you confuses you, almost as if they are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
• You worry that you are too sensitive: The person minimizes hurtful behaviors or words by saying “I was just joking” or “you need thicker skin.”
• You have a sense of impending doom: You feel like something terrible is about to happen when you are around this person. This may include feeling threatened and on edge without knowing why.
• You spend a lot of time apologizing: You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
• You feel inadequate: You feel like you are never “good enough.” You try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable.
• You second-guess yourself: You frequently wonder if you accurately remember the details of past events. You may have even stopped trying to share what you remember for fear that it is wrong.
• You assume others are disappointed in you: You apologize all the time for what you do or who you are, assuming people are let down by you or that you have somehow made a mistake.
• You wonder what’s wrong with you: You wonder if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. In other words, you worry that you are not well mentally.
• You struggle to make decisions because you distrust yourself: You would rather allow your partner, friend, or family member to make decisions for you and avoid decision-making altogether.

Gaslighting Behaviors

The following are the kinds of behaviors that signify someone is or has been gaslighting you.

Lying to You

People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual and pathological liars and frequently exhibit narcissistic tendencies. It is typical for them to blatantly lie and never back down or change their stories, even when you call them out or provide proof of their deception. They may say something like: “You’re making things up,” “That never happened,” or “You’re crazy.”

Discrediting You

People who gaslight spread rumors and gossip about you to others. They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or “crazy.” Unfortunately, this tactic can be extremely effective and many people side with the abuser or bully without knowing the full story.

Additionally, someone who engages in gaslighting may lie to you and tell you that other people also think this about you. These people may have never said a bad thing about you, but the person who is gaslighting you will make every attempt to get you to believe they do.

Distracting You

When you ask a someone who gaslights a question or call them out for something they did or said, they may change the subject by asking a question instead of responding to the issue at hand. This not only throws off your train of thought but causes you to question the need to press a matter when they don’t feel the need to respond.

Minimizing Your Thoughts and Feelings

Trivializing your emotions allows the person who is gaslighting you to gain power over you. They might make statements like: “Calm down,” “You’re overreacting,” or “Why are you so sensitive?” All of these statements minimize how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking and communicate that you’re wrong.

Shifting Blame

Blame-shifting is another common gaslighting tactic. Every discussion you have is somehow twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred. Even when you try to discuss how the abuser’s behavior makes you feel, they’re able to twist the conversation so that you end up questioning if you are the cause of their bad behavior. For example, they may claim that if only you behaved differently, they would not treat you the way that they do.

Denying Wrongdoing

People who engage in bullying and emotional abuse are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong. They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices. This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling unseen, unheard, and as though the impact on them is of no importance. This tactic also makes it very hard for the victim to move on or to heal from the bullying or abusiveness.

Using Compassionate Words as Weapons

Sometimes, when called out or questioned, a person who gaslights will use kind and loving words to try to smooth over the situation. They might say something like, “You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose.”

These words may be what you want to hear, but they are inauthentic, especially if the same behavior is repeated. That said, they may be just enough to convince you to let them off the hook, which allows the person to escape responsibility or consequences for their hurtful behavior.

Rewriting History

A person who gaslights tends to retell stories in ways that are in their favor. For instance, if your partner shoved you against the wall and you are discussing it later, they may twist the story and say you stumbled and they tried to steady you, which is what caused you to fall into the wall.

You may begin to doubt your memory of what happened. Encouraging confusion or second-guessing on your part is exactly the intention.

Why Do Some People Gaslight Others?

The typical goal of the gaslighter is not just manipulation, but power and control—typically with the misguided cooperation of the manipulated victim. This type of learned behavior is often rooted in psychopathy or a personality disorder such as narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline.

Where Did Gaslighting Get Its Name?

The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, known in America as “Angel Street” and later developed into the film “Gas Light” by Alfred Hitchcock.

In the suspense film, a manipulative husband tries to make his wife think she is losing her mind by making subtle changes in her environment, including slowly and steadily dimming the flame on a gas lamp. Not only does he disrupt her environment and make her believe she is insane, but he also abuses and controls her, cutting her off from family and friends.

Consequently, the wife begins second-guessing herself, her feelings, her perceptions, and her memories. Additionally, she feels neurotic, hypersensitive, and out-of-control, which is the goal of gaslighting—to leave the target feeling off-kilter and unsure of what is true and what isn’t.

Because this film was an accurate portrayal of the controlling and toxic actions that manipulative people use, psychologists and counselors began to label this type of emotionally abusive behavior “gaslighting.”

What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You

If you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Things you might do include:

• Gain some distance: It can be helpful to take a step back from the intense emotions that gaslighting can evoke. Physically leaving the situation can help, but you might also try using some relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or grounding exercises. 
• Save the evidence: Because gaslighting can make you question yourself, work on preserving evidence of your experiences. Keep a journal, save text conversations, or keep emails so that you can look back on them later and remind yourself that you shouldn’t doubt or question yourself.
• Set boundaries: Boundaries tell others what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Make it clear that you won’t allow the other person to engage in actions such as trivializing or denying what you have to say.
• Get an outside perspective: Talk to a friend or family member about what you are going through. Having another person’s perspective can help make the situation clearer to you.
• End the relationship: While it can be difficult, ending the relationship with someone who repeatedly gaslights you is often the most effective way to end the abuse.

If you suspect that you are experiencing gaslighting, you may also find it helpful to talk to a mental health professional. They can help you learn more about the situation, gain perspective, and develop new coping strategies that can help you deal with the behavior.

Remember that you are not to blame for what you are experiencing. The person gaslighting you is making a choice to behave this way. They are responsible for their actions. Nothing you did caused them to make this choice, and you won’t be able to change what they’re doing.

But with counseling, you can learn how to make healthy choices and set boundaries with the person who engages in gaslighting. Ultimately, you may reach a place where you feel ready to move on from the relationship.

Empathizing with others is essential for healthy relationships and communication. After all, it’s hard to know how to relate to others if you can’t understand their feelings.

Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place. Essentially, it is putting yourself in someone else’s position and feeling what they are feeling.

Empathy means that when you see another person suffering, such as after they’ve lost a loved one, you can envision yourself going through that same experience and feel what they are going through.

While people can be well-attuned to their feelings and emotions, getting into someone else’s head can be more difficult. The ability to feel empathy allows people to “walk a mile in another’s shoes,” so to speak. It permits people to understand the emotions that others are feeling.

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Signs of Empathy

For many, seeing another person in pain and responding with indifference or even outright hostility seems utterly incomprehensible. But the fact that some people do respond in such a way clearly demonstrates that empathy is not necessarily a universal response to the suffering of others.

If you are wondering whether you are an empathetic person, here are some signs that show that you have this tendency:

• You are good at really listening to what others have to say.
• People often tell you about their problems.
• You are good at picking up on how other people are feeling.
• You often think about how other people feel.
• Other people come to you for advice.
• You often feel overwhelmed by tragic events.
• You try to help others who are suffering.
• You are good at telling when people aren’t being honest.
• You sometimes feel drained or overwhelmed in social situations.
• You care deeply about other people.
• You find it difficult to set boundaries in your relationships.

Are You an Empath? Take the Quiz!

Our fast and free empath quiz will let you know if your feelings and behaviors indicate high levels of traits commonly associated with empaths.

This quiz was reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT

Types of Empathy

Empathy can come in different forms, depending on the situations. Some of the different types of empathy that you might experience are:

Affective Empathy

Affective empathy involves the ability to understand another person’s emotions and respond appropriately. Such emotional understanding may lead to someone feeling concerned for another person’s well-being, or it may lead to feelings of personal distress.

Somatic Empathy

Somatic empathy involves having a physical reaction in response to what someone else is experiencing. People sometimes physically experience what another person is feeling. When you see someone else feeling embarrassed, for example, you might start to blush or have an upset stomach.

Cognitive Empathy

Cognitive empathy involves being able to understand another person’s mental state and what they might be thinking in response to the situation. This is related to what psychologists refer to as the theory of mind or thinking about what other people are thinking.

The Many Benefits of Empathy

Being able to experience empathy has many beneficial uses. It’s the ability that helps us see and feel what others might be experiencing. Because we relate to them, we can then respond in ways that foster stronger relationships.

It Strengthens your Relationships

Empathy allows you to build social connections with others. By understanding what people are thinking and feeling, you are able to respond appropriately in social situations. Research has shown that having social connections is important for both physical and psychological well-being.

It Helps You Regulate Your Emotions

Empathizing with others helps you learn to regulate your own emotions. Emotional regulation is important in that it allows you to manage what you are feeling, even in times of great stress, without becoming overwhelmed.

Research also suggests that our ability to regulate our own emotions influences how we respond to other people’s emotions. Strengthening your self-regulation skills may be helpful if you want to boost your ability to empathize.

It Compels Us to Help Others

Empathy promotes helping behaviors. Not only are you more likely to engage in helpful behaviors when you feel empathy for other people, but other people are also more likely to help you when they experience empathy.

Research supports the idea that empathy is a key driver of prosocial behavior. Empathy helps us notice other people’s needs, understand their distress, and inspire us to alleviate their suffering.

Can You Have Too Much Empathy?

Having a great deal of empathy makes you concerned for the well-being and happiness of others. It also means, however, that you can sometimes get overwhelmed, burned out, or even overstimulated from always thinking about other people’s emotions. This can lead to empathy fatigue.

Empathy fatigue is a concern in certain situations, such as when acting as a caregiver. Studies also show that if healthcare workers can’t balance their feelings of empathy (affective empathy, in particular), it can result in compassion fatigue as well.

Other research has linked higher levels of empathy with a tendency toward emotional negativity, potentially increasing your risk of empathic distress. It can even affect your judgment, causing you to go against your morals based on the empathy you feel for someone else.

Factors That Can Influence Empathy

Not everyone experiences empathy in every situation. Some people may be more naturally empathetic in general, but people also tend to feel more empathetic toward some people and less so toward others. Some of the factors that play a role in this tendency include:

• How you perceive the other person
• How you attribute the other individual’s behaviors
• What you blame for the other person’s predicament
• Your past experiences and expectations

At the most basic level, there appear to be two main factors that contribute to the ability to experience empathy: genetics and socialization. Essentially, it boils down to the age-old relative contributions of nature and nurture.

Parents pass down genes that contribute to overall personality, including the propensity toward sympathy, empathy, and compassion. For example, research indicates that key traits known as the Big Five personality traits are between 31% and 41% heritable. Being high in traits like conscientiousness and agreeableness can contribute to increased feelings of empathy for others.

On the other hand, people are also socialized by their parents, peers, communities, and society. How people treat others and how they feel about others often reflect the beliefs and values that were instilled at a very young age. 

Reasons People Sometimes Lack Empathy

Some people lack empathy and, therefore, aren’t able to understand what another person may be experiencing or feeling. This can result in behaviors that seem uncaring or sometimes even hurtful. For instance, people with low affective empathy have higher rates of cyberbullying.

A lack of empathy is also one of the defining characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. Though, it is unclear whether this is due to a person with this disorder having no empathy at all or having more of a dysfunctional response to others.

A few reasons why people sometimes lack empathy include cognitive biases, dehumanization, and victim-blaming.

Cognitive Biases

Sometimes the way people perceive the world around them is influenced by cognitive biases. For example, people often attribute other people’s failures to internal characteristics, while blaming their own shortcomings on external factors.

These biases can make it difficult to see all the factors that contribute to a situation. They also make it less likely that people will be able to see a situation from the perspective of another.

Dehumanization

Many also fall into the trap of thinking that people who are different from them don’t feel and behave the same as they do. This is particularly common when other people are physically distant.

Othering is a way of excluding people from the in-group, which can then contribute to dehumanization. For example, when they watch reports of a disaster or conflict in a foreign land, people might be less likely to feel empathy if they think those suffering are fundamentally different from themselves.

Victim Blaming

Sometimes, when another person has suffered a terrible experience, people make the mistake of blaming the victim for their circumstances. This is the reason that victims of crimes are often asked what they might have done differently to prevent the crime.

This tendency stems from the need to believe that the world is a fair and just place. It is the desire to believe that people get what they deserve and deserve what they get—and it can fool you into thinking that such terrible things could never happen to you.

What Causes Empathy?

Human beings are certainly capable of selfish, even cruel, behavior. A quick scan of the news quickly reveals numerous unkind, selfish, and heinous actions. The question, then, is why don’t we all engage in such self-serving behavior all the time? What is it that causes us to feel another’s pain and respond with kindness?

Several different theories have been proposed to explain why people experience empathy.

Neuroscientific Explanations

Studies have shown that specific areas of the brain play a role in how empathy is experienced. More recent approaches focus on the cognitive and neurological processes that lie behind empathy. Researchers have found that different regions of the brain play an important role in empathy, including the anterior cingulate cortex and the anterior insula.

Functional MRI research also indicates that an area of the brain known as the inferior frontal gyrus (IFG) plays a critical role in the experience of empathy. Studies have found that people who have damage to this area of the brain often have difficulty recognizing emotions conveyed through facial expressions. 

Emotional Explanations

Some of the earliest explorations into the topic of empathy centered on how feeling what others feel allows people to have a variety of emotional experiences. The philosopher Adam Smith suggested that it allows us to experience things that we might never otherwise be able to fully feel.

This can involve feeling empathy for both real people and imaginary characters. Experiencing empathy for fictional characters allows people to have a range of emotional experiences that might otherwise be impossible.

Prosocial Explanations

Sociologist Herbert Spencer proposed that empathy served an adaptive function and aided in the survival of the species. Empathy leads to helping behavior, which benefits social relationships. Humans are naturally social creatures. Things that aid in our relationships with other people benefit us as well.

When people experience empathy, they are more likely to engage in prosocial behaviors that benefit other people. Things such as altruism and heroism are also connected to feeling empathy for others.

Tips for Practicing Empathy

Fortunately, empathy is a skill that you can learn and strengthen. If you would like to build your empathy skills, there are a few things that you can do:

• Work on listening to people without interrupting and utilize empathic listening
• Pay attention to body language and other types of nonverbal communication
• Try to understand people, even when you don’t agree with them
• Ask people questions to learn more about them and their lives
• Imagine yourself in another person’s shoes
• Strengthen your connection with others to learn more about how they feel
• Seek to identify biases you may have and how they affect your empathy for others
• Look for ways in which you are similar to others versus focusing on differences
• Be willing to be vulnerable, opening up about how you feel
• Engage in new experiences, giving you better insight into how others in that situation may feel
• Get involved in organizations that push for social change