Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

We know that interacting with a narcissist can be super challenging and draining. They repeatedly build you up and tear you down until you lose your confidence and start to question your self-worth. Eventually, you start to recognize how toxic the relationship is. You get fed up with their abuse and want out. This is the stage where hoovering typically comes in.

Hoovering, like the name suggests, is a type of behavior where the narcissist tries to suck you back into their life, much like a vacuum cleaner sucks up lint.

The Psychology Behind Narcissist Hoovering

We tapped Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago, to understand the psychology behind narcissistic hoovering.

When a narcissist senses that a relationship might be ending, they try to extend it by engaging in hoovering, says Dr. Daramus.

A lot of people will hoover a bit to put off a breakup, but with narcissists, they will go out of their way to find ways to keep you around so they can continue to get their emotional fix, Dr. Daramus explains. “If they’re getting sex, money, or hard work out of you, that’s added incentive to keep you around.”

Typical Behaviors of Narcissist Hoovering

Narcissistic hoovering involves many different types of manipulative behaviors, such as:

• Love bombing: The narcissist may suddenly love bomb you by showering you with affection, compliments, and gifts in an effort to reconnect with you.
• Apologies: The narcissist may apologize for past behavior, promise that things will be different, and present themselves as a totally changed person.
• Promises: The narcissist may make all sorts of false promises to try and get you to stay. For example, a narcissistic employer who wants to retain you might dangle promotions or raises that they don’t intend to follow through on, Dr. Daramus adds.
• Guilt trips: The narcissist may try to guilt trip you into staying in their life. For example, they may claim that you’re responsible for their happiness or that they can’t survive with you.
• Manipulation: They may use manipulation tactics to try to control you. For instance, Dr. Daramus says they might tell you no one else wants you, or they might borrow money from you just so you won’t cut ties with them until you’ve been paid off.
• Triangulation: The narcissist may involve a third party, such as a mutual friend or colleague, to convey their messages to you. Or, they may play the other person against you, to create a sense of competition for their attention.
• Threats: The narcissist may use threats to try to keep you from leaving them. For example, if you’re trying to divorce a narcissistic partner, they may threaten to ruin you financially or separate you from your children, says Dr. Daramus.

Why Narcissists Engage in Hoovering

These are some of thereasons why narcissists might engage in hoovering:

• Entitlement: Narcissists have an absurd sense of entitlement, to the extent that they even feel entitled to you, says Dr. Daramus. “They’re just defending what they feel is owed to them.”
• Need for control: Narcissists have a strong need for control and dominance in their relationships. Distancing yourself from them or ending a relationship with them threatens this sense of control. Hoovering is their attempt to regain control and bring you back under their influence.
• Fear of rejection: Narcissists often have an intense fear of rejection and abandonment. The idea of someone leaving them triggers deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity in them. Hoovering is a way to prevent or reverse this rejection.
• Narcissistic supply: Narcissists feed on other’s attention and admiration. This is known as narcissistic supply. When you distance yourself from them, the narcissist may experience a shortage of this supply, so they may hoover in an attempt to restore it.
• Lack of accountability: If the narcissist has treated you badly, hoovering might be a strategy to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. By focusing on reconciliation, they divert attention away from the issues that led to the separation.
• Ego preservation: The narcissist’s fragile ego cannot easily tolerate rejection or the idea that you have moved on without them. Hoovering is an attempt to preserve their self-image.
• Lack of internal regulation: Narcissists often lack internal emotional regulation. They may feel a strong compulsion to fill an emotional void with external validation and hoovering is a way to temporarily alleviate their emotional distress.

Strategies to Resist or Respond to Narcissist Hoovering

There are many strategies that can help you resist or respond to narcissistic hoovering:

• Recognize the pattern: Remember that narcissistic abuse follows a cyclical pattern of repeated idealization and devaluation. The narcissist may shower you with praise, gifts, and apologies to suck you back into their life, but once you give in, they will eventually start to criticize you and pick on you. Though it can be tempting, stay strong and don’t give in to their persuasion.
• Establish boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. Make it known what behavior is acceptable to you and what is not.
• Protect your time and energy: You might feel the urge to try and mend the relationship by letting them know what your needs are, and while that’s fine, it’s important to set limits on your time and energy, says Dr. Daramus. For example, she says if you’ve told them twice what you need from them and they haven’t come through, accept that they’re not going to change.
• Detach yourself: The narcissist will try to control you emotionally. Try to remain emotionally detached so their words and actions don’t affect you. 
• Keep your distance: Keep your distance from the person, so you don’t get sucked into their hoovering attempts. A little space can give you room to heal and reduce the impact of their attempts to manipulate or control you.
• Don’t give them anything: Avoid giving the narcissist anything. Don’t do them any favors or lend them any money if they haven’t paid you back, says Dr. Daramus. Otherwise, they will continue to use you to meet their needs.
• Document their actions: Keep a record of their manipulative behavior. This documentation can be useful in case you need evidence to support legal or protective measures.
• Remember that it’s not your fault: People often think that they have something wrong with them that attracts narcissists and manipulators, says Dr. Daramus. She explains that narcissists approach everyone, looking for someone vulnerable. “It is never your fault or due to a flaw in you. It’s a flaw in the narcissist.”

Help and Support

The support of loved ones can be very helpful at this time. Reach out to friends and family members who can provide emotional and practical support. Staying close to people who actually have your best interests at heart can help you stay strong.

If you’re having trouble coping, consider seeking the help of a mental health professional. Dr. Daramus recommends looking for a coach or therapist with a specialty in narcissism.

Additionally, educating yourself about narcissism and its effects can help you understand the relationship dynamic and cope with it better.

Every relationship has a natural ebb and flow, but if you’re stuck in what feels like an endless low point, you might wonder, “Am I falling out of love, or am I depressed?” The answer to that question can sometimes be much more complicated than expected.

“People often fall out of love when they are depressed because they no longer feel connected to themselves and their partner,” says licensed therapist Abbey Sangmeister, MSEd, LPC, ACS. “Depression creates a fog around us that does not allow us to see or feel clearly, which can cause us to feel that no one loves us, we feel or don’t have the energy to love and give, or feel overall numb and disconnected.” 

Your love life and your emotions are intricately interconnected, which is why it’s sometimes challenging to tell whether you’re experiencing changes in how you feel about your partner or if it might be something more serious like depression.

Plus, depression can affect your life and relationships in complex ways. Problems in your romantic relationships can sometimes be a source of deep sadness or even feelings of depression. So how can you tell if what you are feeling means you’re no longer in love or if it’s a symptom of depression (or a combination of the two)?

Understanding the difference between the two is vital, not only for the health of your relationship but for your own mental health. After all, the sooner you recognize the signs of depression, the sooner you can get help and find relief.

Am I Falling Out of Love…or Is it a Sign of Depression?

So, what does falling out of love actually feel like? Psychologists have introduced various frameworks to help define and categorize love. One of the best-known theories is Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, which conceptualizes love as having three main components: passion, intimacy, and commitment.

When you think about what it feels like to “fall out of love,” what you might actually be describing is the loss of passion. It’s the gradual decline in the intense feelings of excitement, attraction, and physical chemistry that are the hallmarks of the early stages of a relationship. 

It’s normal for those feelings to lessen over time and the other two components of Sternberg’s theory, intimacy and commitment, to take center stage. However, it’s a more serious sign when all three of these elements start to disappear.

Here’s where it gets complicated—symptoms of depression can contribute to some of these feelings. You might feel irritated with your partner because, well, you just feel more irritated in general lately. Or you might not want to spend time with them because being around other people takes more energy than you can give right now. 

“People who are depressed can fall out of love like anyone else. Depression may not directly cause someone to fall out of love, but depression is complex and can impact thinking, mood, self-esteem, energy, desire, and more,” explains Susan Trotter, PhD, a relationship expert and coach. Trotter also notes that this often results in more conflict, fewer shared activities, less intimacy, and greater isolation.

Figuring out what’s really going on means you’ll need to take a closer look at how you’re feeling and decide whether it represents a change in how you view your relationship or a change in the state of your mental health. In either case, figuring out the cause can help you better decide how to tackle the problem, whether that means seeing a couples therapist, seeking treatment for depression, or breaking up with your partner.

Do People Fall Out of Love When They’re Depressed?

Depression might not be the reason why you fall out of love with someone, but it can play a major part in how you feel about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Depression can impact many different areas of your life, including how you feel about others, your emotions, and your relationships. After all, it’s hard to feel connected with other people (your partner included) when you’re feeling isolated, sad, and hopeless. 

It can also be challenging to feel many of the emotions that normally happen in a happy, healthy relationship, like joy, excitement, and anticipation. It might not necessarily mean the relationship has changed, but how you feel about it may have shifted, making it much harder to appreciate the good things.

Social withdrawal is another common symptom of depression. When you are depressed, you may find yourself pulling away from your partner. This makes it tough to maintain feelings of intimacy and closeness.

Depression doesn’t always cause a person to fall out of love, but the way it manifests can create problems in a relationship. You might feel more irritable and short-tempered around your partner. You might not feel like doing things you used to enjoy, so you might turn down opportunities to spend time together. 

How your partner responds to these symptoms can also damage your relationship. They might interpret your reactions as rejection or start to behave in ways that undermine the closeness that you once shared. 

However, it’s important to remember that depression and love are complex. Your own experience of depression is unique, and how it affects your relationship can depend on a wide variety of factors. Depression can make you feel like you’re falling out of love, but communicating your needs, seeing support, and getting professional help can help you navigate these challenges without jeopardizing your relationship.

Can Depression Make You Think You’re Not in Love?

Unfortunately, depression can make you believe a lot of things that aren’t really true. It might tell you that you deserve to be miserable or that you don’t deserve to be loved. It might even make you think that you aren’t really in love at all.

According to therapist and coach Christina Granahan, LICSW, the symptoms of depression, particularly the numbing and sense of isolation that accompanies depression, can cause people to lose touch with feelings of love and connection with their partner. “Depression makes us think a lot of things that aren’t necessarily true. It can make us feel alone, like we don’t belong, like we’re unloved, or a victim of someone else,” she notes.

Some characteristics of depression that might make you think you aren’t really in love at all include:

A Loss of Interest

A loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy or that used to be important to you is one of the hallmark symptoms of depression. Such disinterest is common when you find yourself drifting away from your partner. So if you find yourself losing interest in spending time with your partner, it’s normal to wonder if the root of this sudden loss of interest says more about your state of mind or the state of your relationship.

Changes in How You See Yourself

Depression also contributes to issues with poor self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. You might find yourself wondering what your partner sees in you. Or you might start to think that you don’t deserve their attention. You might even feel like you are burdening them. To cope, you might push them away or even try to convince yourself that you aren’t in love with them at all. 

Negative Thinking

Depression also leads to distorted, negative thoughts that can make symptoms worse and exacerbate issues in your relationship. Small things that used to not bother you suddenly start to seem much worse than they really are.

You might find yourself misinterpreting your partner’s actions, jumping to conclusions, or engaging in all-or-nothing thinking. Such thoughts ultimately undermine your connection and may cause you to think that you aren’t in love with your partner like you were before.

Reduced Libido

Depression can significantly impact things like energy levels and libido, but changes in your relationship can have a similar effect. The social withdrawal that often accompanies depression can lead to a lower desire for physical closeness with your partner. If your partner doesn’t understand how this might be a sign of depression, they might interpret this as a loss of interest in the relationship as well.

Overlapping Symptoms

Even more confusing is the fact that depression and falling out of love can share some remarkably similar symptoms. Common feelings you might experience with both include:

• Sadness or emptiness
• Emotional numbness
• Crying
• Losing interest in spending time together
• Having a hard time concentrating
• Sleep disturbances
• Feelings of guilt or anger
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness

Researchers have even found that the emotions people experience at the end of a relationship are very similar to clinical depression. So it’s no wonder that feeling depressed can make you think you’re relationship might be on the rocks (and vice versa).

Is Depression a Reason to End a Relationship?

Sangmeister notes that leaving a relationship may be the right choice if your partner is contributing to feelings of depression. Before doing so, however, she suggests talking to a licensed mental health professional. This can help clarify your decision, explore ways to work on the relationship, and make clear decisions that are right for your life and well-being.

“It is important to distinguish whether your mental health–and in this case, depression–is making you want to end a relationship or if you are struggling because of the relationship,” Trotter says. Ending it may be your best option if you’re struggling because of the relationship. But if it’s your depression causing these feelings, it’s important to dig deeper into your feelings and symptoms.

“Ending a good relationship could be self-sabotaging and self-destructive if it’s actually a good relationship, and there are many things you can do to stabilize your depression, such as therapy, medication, groups, and more,” Trotter explains.

It’s normal to experience things like sadness, loneliness, and emotional distress when a relationship is over. You’ll need to go through a period of adjustment where you allow yourself to process the experience and take steps to heal. Having social support is important, but you should also reach out to a mental health professional if you are experiencing symptoms of depression or prolonged grief following a breakup.

Seeking Professional Help

If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, it’s important to talk to a licensed mental health professional. They can help you better understand your emotional experience, including whether it is really depression–or a sign that your relationship is in trouble. 

“If depression is significantly impacting you and your relationship, the first step is to seek treatment, which might include therapy and medication to help alleviate symptoms and help you create better strategies for managing your depression,” Trotter suggests.

A therapist can evaluate your symptoms and give you perspective on the emotional states you are experiencing. Therapy can also help you understand how depression might be affecting your connection with your partner. 

Self-Reflection and Communication

If you’re struggling to tell if you’re actually falling out of love or if you might be depressed, it’s important to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. As you engage in this self-reflection, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you feel like you and your partner don’t share the same emotional connection you once had?
• Are you avoiding spending time with your partner because your differences seem too great to overcome?
• Have you stopped planning your future together?
• Have you stopped caring about the things that matter to your partner?
• Do the unique traits and behaviors that used to seem cute, quirky, and charming suddenly seem like red flags or deal-breakers?
• Do you feel happier when you are alone than when you are together?

If you answered yes to many of these questions,  there’s a good chance that your feelings for your partner have changed. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t also dealing with symptoms of depression, but it does indicate that it might be time to evaluate your relationship and think about what steps you want to take next.

If you answered no to many or most of these questions, it might be because your recent moods and feelings are linked to symptoms of depression more than a sudden shift in how you feel about your partner. 

In either case, communication is critical. Talk to your partner about what’s going on with you emotionally so you can make a plan for your next steps. This might include finding ways to rebuild your connection by spending more time together and talking more often. It might involve you seeking professional treatment for your depression. If the relationship is worth holding on to, it may also mean talking to a couples therapist.

Coping Strategies

If you’re struggling with your love life or experiencing symptoms of depression (or both), finding ways to cope with these challenges is essential. 

Relationships change over time, and it isn’t uncommon for people to lose romantic feelings and experience breakups. The key is knowing how to handle these feelings, knowing when it’s worth it to try to salvage a relationship, and when to move on.

• Communicate: Discussing what you’re experiencing with your partner is an important first step. “It is also important for you to talk with your partner about what you’re experiencing so that they can better understand it,” Trotter says. 
• Care for yourself: Make sure that you are doing things to support your emotional well-being. “Self-care is critically important and taking even small steps to improve connection and intimacy will also help to alleviate the overwhelming feeling of disconnection,” Trotter suggests. Even taking small daily steps like eating balanced meals, getting plenty of rest, and treating yourself kindly can help you feel better and gain more perspective on your situation.
• Reconnect: If you’ve decided to try to fall back in love, start taking steps toward rebuilding your connection with your partner. Remind yourself of their good qualities, take time to appreciate them, and start spending more time together.
• Consider couples therapy: Talking to a relationship professional can also help. “Working to improve healthy communication is also important, and couples therapy may be an effective way to help you with that,” says Trotter. 

Keep in Mind

If you’re worried that you’ve fallen out of love, it can be hard to decode what you’re experiencing if you suspect you might also be depressed. Are you depressed because of the relationship, or are symptoms of depression affecting your relationship in negative ways? 

It’s important to work with a mental health professional to sort out your feelings, build a greater awareness of what you are experiencing, and make the right decision about how to cope, Granahan suggests. 

She also says getting help and support to deal with depression is what matters most. “Some of us might need to stay in a healthy, life-giving relationship as part of the healing. Enlist the help of trusted allies–including professionals–to help you make these decisions if you aren’t sure, but healing comes first.”

You might hear the terms “anxiety attack” and “panic attack” used interchangeably. This is understandable, given that they share some common symptoms. However, behavioral health professionals use these terms for specific symptoms and disorders, and they have different features.

A panic attack is characterized by an abrupt surge of intense fear or discomfort accompanied by other physical and mental symptoms. Panic attacks are episodic and typically peak within minutes or hours.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is part of the emotional and protective responses hardwired into the human body. It becomes a problem when it’s longstanding, excessive, and disruptive to daily life—in which case, it’s termed an anxiety disorder. Although intense anxiety symptoms can feel like an attack, “anxiety attack” is not a recognized diagnosis.

This article discusses panic attacks vs. anxiety attacks—their similarities, differences, definitions, symptoms, and treatments.

Clinical Differences

Professionals who treat mental health conditions base a diagnosis on criteria found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th edition), known as the DSM-5. Though anxiety and panic attacks may feel similar, the differences outlined in the DSM help identify and distinguish them. The definitions and diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5 guide a healthcare provider to make a diagnosis and classify your condition.

The differences between panic and anxiety are best described in terms of the intensity of the symptoms and the length of time the main symptoms occur. Panic attacks usually peak at around 10 minutes while anxiety can last for months.

Panic attacks are mainly associated with a condition known as panic disorder, though they may occur with other psychiatric disorders. It is also possible to have a panic attack if you have no disorder.

They differ from anxiety in that they are accompanied by symptoms such as:

• A sense of detachment from the world (derealization)
• A detachment from the self (depersonalization)
• The fear of dying or losing control

The term “anxiety attack,” on the other hand, is not defined in the DSM-5. Rather, “anxiety” is used to describe a core feature of several illnesses identified under the headings of anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders, and trauma- and stressor-related disorders.

Anxiety is distinguished from a panic attack in that it includes symptoms such as apprehension and worry, but without the extreme fear and sense of detachment that occurs during a panic attack.

Some of the most common disorders under these three headings include:

Panic Attack

A panic attack is an intense and sudden feeling of fear, terror, or discomfort accompanied by several other mental and physical symptoms. The symptoms of panic attacks are often so extreme that they cause severe disruption. According to the DSM-5, a panic attack is characterized by four or more of the following symptoms.

Mental Symptoms

• Feelings of unreality (derealization)
• Feeling detached from oneself (depersonalization)
• Fear of losing control or going crazy
• Fear of dying

Physical Symptoms

• Chest pain
• Chills
• Excessive sweating
• Feeling of choking
• Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
• Heart palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
• Hot flashes
• Nausea or abdominal distress
• Numbness or tingling sensations (paresthesias)
• Trembling or shaking
• Sensations of shortness of breath, difficulty breathing

Panic attacks usually occur out of the blue without an obvious, immediate trigger. In some cases, however, they are “expected” because the fear is caused by a known stressor, such as a phobia.

Panic attack symptoms peak within 10 minutes and then subside. However, some attacks may last longer or may occur in succession, making it difficult to determine when one attack ends and another begins. Following an attack, it is not unusual to feel stressed, worried, out-of-sorts, or on edge for the remainder of the day.

Anxiety

In contrast, anxiety generally intensifies over a period of time and is highly correlated with excessive worry about some potential danger—whether real or perceived. If the anticipation of something builds up and the high amount of stress reaches a level where it becomes overwhelming, it may feel like an “attack.” The symptoms of anxiety may include the following.

Mental Symptoms

Physical Symptoms

• Disturbed sleep
• Dizziness
• Fatigue
• Increased heart rate
• Increased startle response
• Muscle tension

While some of the symptoms of anxiety are similar to those associated with panic attacks, they are generally less intense. Unlike a panic attack, the symptoms of anxiety may be persistent and very long-lasting—days, weeks, or even months.

Diagnosis

Anxiety is one of the most common mental health conditions, affecting an estimated 19.1% of U.S. adults each year. In fact, all adults under the age of 65 should receive routine screening for anxiety per the recommendations of the United States Preventative Services Task Force.

Effective treatments are available that can improve outcomes and well-being, so it is important to talk to a doctor if you are having symptoms of anxiety or panic attacks. Because women are twice as likely as men to experience symptoms of anxiety, the Women’s Preventative Services Initiative now recommends anxiety screening for all women over the age of 13.

During an evaluation, the doctor will take a medical history, a physical exam, and may run lab tests to help rule out any medical illnesses that might be contributing to your symptoms. 

A doctor or mental health professional will also ask questions about your symptoms including their intensity, duration, and impact on your normal daily functioning. Based on your evaluation, they may then make a diagnosis based on criteria found in the DSM-5.

Treatment for Panic and Anxiety

Whether you’re dealing with panic, persistent anxiety, or both, effective treatments are available. Some of the most common treatment options include therapy, prescription medications, and self-help strategies. You may decide to try one or a combination of these methods.

• Psychotherapy can help better you understand your symptoms, develop ways to manage them, work through past pain, determine your path for the future, and gain a clearer perspective that will allow for a more hopeful outlook.
• Medications can assist you in reducing your symptoms. They may only be needed for a short period of time to control symptoms while you work on the other long-term strategies.
• Self-help techniques, such as breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation, can also be beneficial in allowing you to work through symptom management at your own pace.

There are many reasons you might say, “I don’t need friends.” Or you may simply wonder, “Why don’t I have friends?” One explanation is that you might feel that friendship doesn’t offer a lot of value in your life. Another is that you could already have plenty of social support from your family, so you don’t need a wide circle of friends or acquaintances. 

Whatever your reasons, it can be helpful to learn why you might feel you don’t need friends (or don’t have friends), to understand how common this is, and to know some of the benefits of making friends. We also share things you can do if you decide to add more friendships to your life.

Reasons You Feel Like You Don’t Need Friends

If you feel like you don’t have friends in your life, there are a few different reasons why you might feel this way. They include:

• You prefer solitude: Some people prefer solitude over being in the company of others, particularly people who are more introverted.
• You fear disappointment: Like other social connections, friendship comes with expectations and a need for give-and-take. If you’re afraid that you can’t live up to these expectations or think that others will let you down, you might avoid friendships as a way to minimize the risk of being disappointed or disappointing others.
• You’re close to your family: You might also feel like your family members are your friends. If they give you the connection and support you need, you may feel less of a need to seek friendships outside your family circle.
• You don’t want to get hurt: If you’ve been deeply hurt by a friend in the past, you might have trust issues. As a result, you might be hesitant to begin new friendships with others. 
• You’re too busy: Building and maintaining friendships takes time and effort. If you are busy with other obligations such as family, work, or school, you might simply feel like you don’t have the time or energy to devote to friends.

One major reason people might have few friendships is that many turn to their partner or other family members instead. Surveys suggest that people tend to rely on friends as their primary source of support less than they did in the past. For example, in 1990, 26% of adults said they would turn to a close friend first with a personal problem; yet, in 2021, only 16% said they would talk to a friend before anyone else.

How Common Is It to Have No Friends?

How many people ask, “Why don’t I have friends?” While you might feel alone in your solitude, having little to no friends is actually a common occurrence. 

According to the 2021 American Perspectives Survey, 49% of adults said they had three or fewer close friends, with this breakdown generationally:

• 27% percent of millennials reported having no close friends (22% reported having no friends at all)
• 16% of Gen Xers report not having any friends
• 9% of baby boomers say they have no friends

Other surveys have found similar results. A poll by the Associated Press found that 18% of respondents reported having one or fewer people outside of their immediate household that they could ask for help if they needed it.

Why Don’t I Have Friends?

Why do many younger people report having few or no friends? While the exact reasons are not entirely clear, increased internet and social media use might play a major role.

The COVID-19 pandemic has also played a role in changing the state of friendship for many adults in the U.S. Among young women, nearly 60% reported losing touch with a few friends during the pandemic, while 16% reported losing contact with most or all of their friends. 

Polls also suggest that young men may struggle with social connections. Twenty-eight percent of men under the age of 30 have no close personal connections.

While recent challenges have caused some people to lose touch with old friends, surveys have also found that nearly 50% of adults have made at least one new friend in the past year.

Benefits of Having Friends

Even if you think, “I don’t need friends,” research suggests that having a healthy support system is important for your mental well-being. 

Reduced Stress and Anxiety

Even if you think you don’t need them, having a social circle to support you can be important for your mental health and well-being. Research has found that having a social support system is associated with less stress and anxiety. 

Less Loneliness

Friendship is also linked to less loneliness. Loneliness has been shown to take a serious toll on health and mortality. Studies have found that people who have quality friendships are better able to cope with stress and are even less likely to experience stress in the first place.

Better Emotional Support

Friends can also offer emotional support when you need it. Friends can help validate your emotions, listen to your problems, and do things to help you feel better.

Increased Resilience

One study found that people who had strong friendships were more resilient. Being resilient means being better equipped to deal with challenges and bounce back more quickly in the face of life’s difficulties.

A Feeling of Belonging

Having friends can help you feel as if you belong to something that brings purpose and connection to your life.

Improved Physical Health

Having strong friendships can also help to improve your physical health. Friends might increase the chances of you doing daily tasks such as exercise and eating well.

Is It OK to Not Have Friends?

If you often think, “I have no friends,” you might wonder if it is normal or okay to feel that way. While research suggests that friendship can be important for well-being, this doesn’t mean that you have to be surrounded by other people or have a long list of close friends to be happy or healthy.

Whether your lack of friends is detrimental to your well-being really depends on your perspective and how you feel about it. In other words, there’s a big difference between thinking “I don’t need friends” and “I don’t have friends.”

If you are happy and content without friends, then it probably isn’t hurting you. In fact, being on your own can have a number of benefits as well. Solitude and spending time by yourself has been linked to some positive effects such as:

Research has also found that spending time alone can actually be important for improving existing relationships. Some research has found that among people who are highly intelligent, more time spent with friends decreases satisfaction levels. So, doing things on your own may make you more satisfied and happier about the relationships you have with the others in your life.

Why You Might Feel Lonely

Loneliness is the feeling of being alone or lacking company. You don’t have to be physically alone in order to feel lonely, either—you might feel this way even when you are around other people.

It is a natural emotion that’s practically inevitable at some point throughout your life. So if you find yourself feeling lonely, even if you feel like you don’t need friends, there are ways that you can cope with such difficult emotions.

• Understand why you feel lonely: If you feel lonely because you feel disconnected from others, there are ways to reach out to other people even if you aren’t seeking friendships. Spend time in social settings and talk to other people you encounter throughout your day.
• Don’t dwell: Keep yourself busy and don’t allow yourself to dwell on your loneliness for extended periods of time. Find something productive or entertaining to do.
• Stop making comparisons: Don’t compare your life to those of people around you. Even if you have few or no friends, it doesn’t mean that your life is less fulfilling or less valuable. Instead of envying what other people have, celebrate what makes your life special. Focus on your feelings of gratitude for the things you have and love.

If You Decide to Seek Out Friends

While might feel like you don’t need friends to be happy, it is important to have people you can trust and can turn to when you need support. People are social creatures and tend to thrive when they have high-quality connections with other people.

If you are interested in expanding your social circle and making a few friends, there are things that you can do to meet people you share things in common with:

• Volunteer for something: Find an organization or cause that you care about. Spending time working on something that is important to you is a great way to meet like-minded people who share your interests and passions.
• Explore a new hobby: One of the best ways to meet new people is to simply pursue the things that you enjoy. Sign up for a community class devoted to something you want to learn more about, whether it’s cooking, painting, or computer coding. Joining a hiking group, joining a sports team, or attending a book club at your local library are just a few ideas that can help you build new connections with people who may become great friends.
• Find friends at work: The workplace is where 54% of adults report meeting their closest friends. Shared time and experiences often serve as the basis for strong friendships.

Remember that making friends as an adult is often much more difficult than it was when you were a child. It may take time, effort, and being willing to put yourself out there. And once you make connections with people, it is important to continue to nurture and maintain those interpersonal relationships.

Do you check your partner’s phone when they’re sleeping? Are you worried that their relationship with a coworker is more than it seems? Do you call them to check up on them when they’re out? Do you think they’re lying to you about money? Do you find yourself picking a fight every time your partner meets up with a friend? These are some signs of relationship paranoia.

In this article, we’ll talk about what causes paranoia in relationships and how you can overcome it.

What Is Relationship Paranoia?

“[Relationship] paranoia is characterized by a groundless and insistent belief that your partner is acting against you. This belief leads to mistrust, which interferes with your relationship as well as your ability to function independently,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.

Paranoia was originally a term used to describe psychosis, a feature of mental health conditions like schizophrenia. The definition has evolved to apply to anxiety or worry that people have in everyday situations—which is how the term is generally used in “relationship paranoia.”

Examples of Relationship Paranoia

Here are just a few general examples of what paranoia in a relationship can look like:

• Going through your partner’s phone, email, or social media accounts.
• Calling or texting your partner constantly when you’re apart.
• Snooping on them at work (for example, asking a coworker who your partner eats lunch with, how often they leave their desk, etc). 
• Worrying excessively about your relationship, particularly if you have specific suspicions about your partner (e.g., that they’re cheating on you).
• Feeling (and acting) jealous when your partner spends time with others (e.g., friends, family).
• Going through their mail, opening packages, or any other personal correspondence.
• Looking up information on your partner or other people in their life (e.g., family, coworkers, friends, past partners).
• Asking your partner questions (often repeatedly) for information and reassurance (e.g., where they were, who they were with, what they did).
• Assuming the worst and finding yourself jumping to conclusions (e.g., if your partner says they have to work late, you assume they were really going out with a coworker behind your back).
• Struggling to enjoy your time together because your mind is dwelling on “what ifs” (e.g., what if they are cheating on you, what if they want to break up, what if they don’t love you anymore, etc.).
• Accusing your partner of lying and not feeling convinced when they respond.

Causes of Relationship Paranoia

There are many different underlying causes of paranoia, says Dr. Romanoff. Below, we’ll unpack some of the causes of relationship paranoia.

Past Trauma

The relationships a person has had throughout their life can affect whether they feel paranoid in their current relationship. Paranoia may stem from traumatic life events, including child abuse or previous relationships in adulthood.

‌For example, a person may have been repeatedly cheated on in the past and paranoid thinking may have developed as a defense mechanism to protect them against future threats. 

High Stress Levels

Another common cause for paranoia is being under a lot of stress. You’re more vulnerable to having paranoid thoughts when you’re body and mind are already taxed by stress.

Trust Violations

Sometimes, people in relationships start to feel paranoid for a specific reason. For example, it can be a normal reaction to have paranoid thoughts after your partner cheats or lies about money because they have violated your trust.

Combined Factors

Often, it’s not just one thing but a combination of your life history and environmental factors that contribute to relationship paranoia. For example, if you’ve experienced trauma and trust violations in previous relationships and then you heap on a ton of stress in your current one, you might be more hypervigilant about possible threats.

Effects of Relationship Paranoia

Paranoia can take a toll on your health, your partner, and your relationship. Below, Dr. Romanoff outlines how paranoia can affect your relationship.  

Effect on Your Health

Paranoia can have a significant effect on your health because it causes you to be on high alert. Your body’s physiological response to stress is to release stress hormones that prepare your body to either fight or flight.

When you’re living with relationship paranoia, it can strain your body and mind, leading to anxiety, exhaustion, fatigue, and poor sleep.

Effect on Your Partner

If your paranoid beliefs cause you to respond out of proportion to a situation, it can be overwhelming and frustrating for your partner. You may notice that they seem resigned to the fact that you need constant reassurance, even if it never seems to help.

At first, they may try to explain that the threat you’re picking up on is one you created. Over time, they may become exasperated when you repeatedly accuse them of lying and violating your trust. If there doesn’t seem to be anything they can do or say to reassure you that they’re being truthful, they may give up.

If they step trying to offer reassurance, however, it may make you feel even more paranoid. Pretty soon, yo may both feel like you’re trapped in a vicious cycle.

Effect on Your Relationship

Paranoia stems from a core problem in your relationship: you don’t trust your partner. Over time, that lack of trust will break down your relationship. The only way to fix it is to find a way to feel secure in the relationship and be able to believe your partner when they demonstrate they are trustworthy.

How to Feel Less Paranoid in a Relationship

These are some steps you can take to reduce relationship paranoia:

• Understand the cause: It can be helpful to understand the cause of your paranoia, particularly if it’s being stoked by something you went through in the past. Spend some time looking within yourself to try and find out what’s causing your feelings. You may want to talk to your friends or loved ones about it or see a counselor.
• Identify situations that trigger you: You may notice that certain feelings or situations trigger paranoia. It can be helpful to track your triggers. You can note down your feelings in a journal to help improve your self-awareness.
• Pause before you react: Paranoia can cause you to react without thinking. Pause, take a deep breath, process the situation, understand that there’s no threat, and then react mindfully. These steps will help make sure you don’t say or do things you’ll later regret.
• Share your feelings with your partner: Have an honest discussion with your partner and explain what you’re feeling and why. Instead of blaming them, focus on expressing your feelings. For example, instead of saying “You upset me by…” say “I feel upset when…”
• Be open to their perspective: When you talk, really listen to your partner’s feedback. Hear them out and try to understand the situation from their perspective.
• Express your needs: Start telling your partner what you need from them to feel more secure. Then, ask them what they need from you to feel secure in your relationship.
• Work to build trust: “You and your partner can practice building trust in the relationship by following through with commitments. Both of you can also improve trust by being more emotionally present when you’re together and by being accountable to each other,” says Dr. Romanoff.
• Let your guard down: Make a conscious effort to relax and be less guarded. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised by the emotional connection you can build when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your partner.
• Avoid giving in to paranoia: Find other ways to keep busy that will take your mind off whatever it is that’s got you feeling paranoid. Watch a movie, go out with your friends, focus on work, engage in a hobby, cook a new recipe, or do something else you enjoy. 
• Seek therapy: A therapist can work with you to explore the causes of your paranoia, identify your triggers, develop coping techniques, and improve your communication skills.