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Behavior modification uses various motivational techniques to eliminate behavior you don’t want to see or encourage behavior you do want to see. For example, you can use positive reinforcement, like praise, to encourage behavior you want. Alternatively, you can use negative reinforcement, like nagging, to eliminate behavior you don’t want.

Behavior modification is based on B.F. Skinner’s theory of “operant conditioning.” Skinner emphasized that the best way to understand an individual’s behavior is through the consequences of that behavior.

In the following, we’ll look at the principles and techniques of behavior modification, explore some examples of behavior modification, and look at the ethical considerations and criticisms of behavior modification.

Principles and Techniques of Behavior Modification

Behavior modification relies on ways to develop, strengthen, maintain, stop, or modify a behavior, according to Tara M. Lally, PhD, Supervising Psychologist in the Department of Psychiatry at Ocean University Medical Center. At the center of this is a stimulus, reinforcement, and punishment.

Stimulus and stimulus control

A stimulus is a catalyst that encourages a specific type of behavior. A stimulus control is “behavior that occurs more often in the presence of a stimulus than in its absence,” Lally explains. “For example, drivers stop in the presence of stop signs and we all act differently around someone we have a crush on.”

Consequences

Consequences occur after a behavior. “A consequence can be positive or negative,” Lally says. “Positive consequences could include praise or a reward and… negative consequence[s] could include the loss of something such as free time or attention.” In behavior modification, consequences take two forms reinforcement and punishment.

Reinforcement

“Skinner noted that a reinforcer is a consequence that increases the likelihood of behavior to recur,” said Lally. Reinforcement can be either positive or negative:

• Positive reinforcement occurs when someone is encouraged to continue their behavior because they receive rewards. For instance, when a child completes their homework, they could be allowed extra time to play on their tablet.
• Negative reinforcement occurs when someone is encouraged to change their behavior because something unpleasant will be taken away. For example, when a teenager does their laundry to get their parents to stop nagging them.

Punishment

Punishment can be positive or negative as well. Lally notes that “punishment is a consequence that decreases the chance” a behavior will recur:

• Positive punishment presents a negative consequence in order to decrease the likelihood of a negative behavior. One example is corporal punishment, including spanking, but this is an unproductive form of behavior modification as it can increase aggression and other problems. A better example is something like having a child who hurt their sibling do the siblings’ chores.
• Negative punishment takes away a positive consequence to decrease negative behavior. For instance, parents may take away a child’s cell phone when they break their curfew.

Extinction

Extinction “is the gradual weakening and eventual disappearance of a learned behavior,” according to Lally. “For example, a child that [has] tantrums for candy while checking out of the [grocery] store will begin to stop this behavior when ignored and not met with reward.”

Consistency is key when applying reinforcement and punishment. When consequences happen whenever you behave a particular way, eventually the choice will either become habit in the case of a positive behavior or go extinct in the case of an undesired behavior, as long as the consequences are applied consistently.

Applications of Behavior Modification

Behavior modification has been applied across all ages and settings where behavior change is necessary. Here are some examples.

Behavior modification in children and adolescents

Children and adolescents have already been covered here. Some additional examples include taking a child out for ice cream after they finish a challenging school assignment (positive reinforcement) and taking away a child’s toy when they fail to clean their room (negative punishment).

Behavior modification in adults

Behavior modification in adults is similar to children, and can result in similarly dramatic behavior modifications. For instance, an adult could use positive punishment to prevent themselves from biting their fingernails by putting a bad-tasting nail polish on.

Alternatively, a court could use negative reinforcement by dropping a fine so a person no longer has to go to jail. The consequence is good because the person doesn’t have to do the undesired behavior.

Behavior modification in clinical settings

In clinical settings, treatment teams may use behavior modification to reinforce prosocial behavior. They can do this through positive reinforcement. For instance, a token economy uses tokens or points that have real value, such as stickers or coins, as rewards for positive behaviors.

Behavior modification in educational settings

Educational settings have been widely studied. To manage classroom behavior modification:

1. Define the problem
2. Figure out a way to change the behavior
3. Determine an effective reinforcer
4. Apply the reinforcer consistently to modify behavior

Reinforcement and punishment are both effective as reinforcers but, in the classroom, reinforcement is preferred in helping children develop better behaviors.

For example, in third grade, a teacher decided to stop Allen from tipping back his chair. Every time she looked over, he would get a tally mark as punishment if he was leaning back. But positive reinforcement, where Allen got a tally mark as a reward every time she looked over and all four legs of his chair were down, might have been better as it would reinforce the positive behavior.

Behavior modification in organizational settings

In recent years a wide variety of organizational settings have used behavior modification and most have claimed positive results. In organizational settings, behavioral modification is used as a technique for managers to motivate employees.

For example, in a field study by Luthans and Kreitner, they trained the experimental group of supervisors in the techniques of behavior modification. The trained supervisors were asked to use what they’d learned with their employees, and after 10 weeks it was found that the experimental group had reduced the frequency of complaints, increased quality indicators, and declined in individual performance problems.

Also, the group’s labor effectiveness improved significantly. The control group, whose supervisors weren’t exposed to behavior modification techniques, showed none of these improvements.

Ethical Considerations in Behavior Modification

While behavior modification has a lot of promise, there are numerous ethical considerations. The most important of these from the perspective of a therapist or counselor is informed consent. According to Lally, “behavior modification… should have clear informed consent with patient autonomy driving the behavior change.” This involves agreement between the therapist and the patient that a given behavior needs to change.

“If the individual does not want to change the behavior, they cannot be manipulated to do so,” explained Lally. “However, the rewards, punishments, and perceived benefits of this behavior engagement may shift to lessen the appeal of continued behavior.” In other words, it would be easy for an unethical therapist to manipulate the patient to change behavior.

In addition, some behavior modification can result in ethical questions, especially those involving punishment, which can result in harm or negative consequences for the individual.

Limitations and Criticisms of Behavior Modification

Behavior modification also has several limitations and criticisms. Chief among them are critiques of behaviorism, particularly that behavior modification addresses outward behavior instead of underlying psychological issues. This can lead to problems that may be suppressed and then resurface later.

In addition, Lally observes that behavior modification does not always use intrinsic motivation to get its results. For example, when using token economies, people do things for external rewards, leading to questionable long-term effectiveness, because external rewards are less reinforcing than internal rewards.

Also, Lally points out that individuals and individual differences vary, so the same intervention may have an outsized effect on one person but practically no effect on someone else.

Can you use Benadryl (diphenhydramine) for anxiety? If you are living with anxiety and don’t like traditional medications or have not yet visited your doctor, you might wonder whether over-the-counter (OTC) medications like Benadryl might help you manage your symptoms.

Benadryl is readily available and fast-acting, can have a calming effect, and can even help you sleep, so it may help you deal with feelings of anxiety. That said, there are potential downsides to off-label use medications like Benadryl for anxiety.

Before taking an OTC medication for anxiety, you should consider safety, efficacy, potential drug interactions, and more. This article considers each of these issues to help you sort through your options for treating anxiety with over-the-counter medication like Benadryl.

OTC Medications for Anxiety

First things first: You’re probably wondering if over-the-counter medications even work when it comes to treating anxiety. In order to answer this question, let’s first consider the different over-the-counter medications that you might use for anxiety because Benadryl is just one of many.

Antihistamines and Other Sedatives for Anxiety

Antihistamines such as diphenhydramine, the active ingredient in Benadryl, are used to manage allergic reactions, but they can also cause sedation as a side effect. Because of this, diphenhydramine is in a lot of over-the-counter sleep aids.

Some people take Benadryl for anxiety because of the calming side effects it can have. In fact, some doctors may even prescribe Benadryl for children and adolescents with anxiety disorders, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP).

Benadryl takes about 15 to 30 minutes to start working and its peak effect occurs about 2 to 4 hours after taking it. An adult dose to obtain sedating effects is between 25 and 50 milligrams. However, these effects are less than you would experience with prescription sedatives such as benzodiazepines.

In addition to the sedating effects of antihistamines, other over-the-counter drugs can induce sedation and drowsiness, most notably those marketed as muscle relaxers or sleep medications.

Herbal Remedies

There are a number of herbal remedies that may provide some relief of symptoms of anxiety. Some of these include:

Herbal remedies can be found in the form of teas, sprays, pills, oils, or tinctures. Like other treatments for anxiety, herbal remedies can also have calming effects, but they are generally mild.

Painkillers

Various painkillers may act on parts of the brain involved in the experience of emotional pain. In fact, one study from the University of British Columbia concluded that over-the-counter medication such as Tylenol (acetaminophen) had an impact on emotional distress and anxiety triggers.

Vitamins and Minerals

Most people know that vitamins and minerals are important for physical health, but can taking them reduce anxiety? Unfortunately, unless you have a deficiency in a particular vitamin or mineral, it’s unlikely that taking vitamin or mineral supplements will reduce anxiety symptoms. That being said, there is no harm in taking a daily multivitamin to support your overall health under the guidance of your doctor.

Safety of OTC Medications for Anxiety

The safety of using over-the-counter medication for anxiety generally depends on what you take and how you use it. Some of the safety concerns to consider include:

• Drug interactions: Always tell your doctor what OTC medications and supplements you are taking, as there is always a risk of interaction among supplements or with other medicines you might be taking.
• Intended use: Most over-the-counter medications that you might take for anxiety, such as antihistamines, while approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as safe, have not been approved for alleviating symptoms of anxiety.
• Long-term effects: Most OTC medications and supplements are intended to be taken only periodically, and there is little to no research on long-term use. As a result, they carry risks for side effects when taken regularly, and there is potential for misuse.
• Regulation: Herbal supplements are not regulated in the same way as medications, and long-term studies on efficacy and safety are often lacking. However, most supplements are safe to use under the guidance of a physician.
• Side effects: For some supplements, such as kava kava, there is concern about serious side effects such as liver damage. It is important to be aware of the potential side effects of any herbal supplements you take and to contact your doctor if you experience any.
• Potential for overdose: Though rare, there is a potential to overdose on OTC medications if you take too much. Be sure to take only the recommended dose, and store your medications somewhere out of reach of children. Even in the case of OTC medications and supplements, taking too much can be dangerous and even deadly.

Pros and Cons of OTC Medicines for Anxiety

While there are some advantages to taking OTC remedies for anxiety, there are also a number of potential drawbacks to consider. Before you take any kind of OTC medication for your anxiety, be sure to talk to your doctor to help avoid adverse effects and harmful medication interactions.

Advantages

Benzodiazepines, a type of prescription medication that is commonly prescribed to manage symptoms of severe anxiety, can lead to dependence, tolerance, and withdrawal, particularly when they are taken regularly for a longer period of time, so OTC options can be an appealing choice for people who are worried about this potential with these anti-anxiety medications. OTC remedies are less likely to present this type of risk, although diphenhydramine does have some potential for misuse.

One of the biggest advantages of using an OTC medication such as Benadryl to treat anxiety is that it is fast-acting and convenient. These qualities can be helpful if you need to reduce symptoms of mild anxiety quickly. Because Benadryl causes many people to feel drowsy, it can also help with sleep.

Disadvantages

It is also important to remember, however, that antihistamines like Benadryl can also have unpleasant side effects. Some people may experience severe drowsiness, fatigue, and dizziness.

It’s also important to remember that these OTC remedies should not be used to treat severe anxiety or as a long-term solution. These medications and supplements are also not approved by the FDA for the treatment of anxiety. If you are experiencing symptoms of anxiety, talk to your doctor about your treatment options to ensure the best treatment plan for you.

OTCs to Supplement Other Anxiety Treatments

Other types of treatments for anxiety might include talk therapy (such as cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness, and acceptance-based therapy) and prescription medications (such as benzodiazepines or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors).

You can theoretically use over-the-counter medications for anxiety while receiving other treatments. But first, ask yourself why. Some common reasons to continue to use over-the-counter remedies alongside other treatments include:

• You are in therapy and need some additional relief from your acute symptoms but you are wary of taking a prescription medication.
• You are taking a prescription medication, but are waiting for it to take effect and need short-term relief.
• You are already using an alternative treatment and want to add over-the-counter medication to your treatment plan.

In all these cases, it’s likely that you will be better off consulting with your doctor. They can help you determine the best course of treatment for you. If you are only receiving talk therapy and want a short-term solution for mild anxiety that bothers you mostly at night, then an over-the-counter solution might be helpful, though it’s best to consult a physician first.

Who Should Use Over-the-Counter Medications?

A study of 690 German pharmacists determined that people seeking over-the-counter treatments for anxiety and depression:

• Were more likely to be younger
• Had a shorter duration of illness
• Had less severe symptoms
• Were skeptical about psychopharmacology

However, the researchers questioned whether OTC treatments were a logical or cost-effective solution to these problems. Most people purchasing over-the-counter treatments for anxiety would likely benefit from professional help in the form of talk therapy or prescribed medication. The exception might be for cases of very mild anxiety that seem to be helped by herbal remedies that offer relaxation at bedtime.

Though some doctors may recommend OTC medications like Benadryl for children and adolescents, it’s especially important not to give a child Benadryl to treat anxiety without consulting their doctor first. Diphenhydramine can be potentially dangerous, and may not be the best course of treatment for your child’s symptoms.

While it may seem like a quick and easy solution to run to the drugstore and pick up an antihistamine to take the edge off when your anxiety symptoms worsen, there are risks associated with using OTC medications, particularly when using them off-label for symptoms they are not intended to treat.

Be sure to discuss your symptoms and any OTC treatment options you’re considering with your doctor or mental health professional. In fact, it’s even recommended that all adults under the age of 65 be regularly screened for anxiety. It’s always best to get guidance from your provider about using OTC medications and herbal supplements before starting a new treatment to ensure you get the right treatment for you.

A sexless marriage is one in which there is little to no sexual activity between partners. It is normal for physical intimacy to wane after the first few years of a relationship, often due to things like stress, having kids, health issues, relationship problems, medication side effects, and mismatched libidos. Addressing the problem starts with understanding the causes, improving communication, and seeking professional help.

Common Reasons for a Sexless Marriage

There are many possible reasons why a marriage may become sexless, including everything from health issues to lifestyle factors. Here’s an overview of some common reasons for a sexless marriage.

Health Issues

A person’s physical and mental health can have a major impact on their libido and desire for physical intimacy. Health concerns and disability can also disrupt the physiological process of arousal in both sexes.

Experiencing some level of sexual dysfunction is common, affecting roughly 40% of women and 36,5% of men. But if these issues last for more than a few months or are causing problems for you or your partner, it’s a good idea to speak with a healthcare provider.

Mismatched Libidos

Not everyone desires the same amount of sex, and sex drive has a natural ebb and flow. When the partners’ desire for sex does not coincide, it’s easy for them to find themselves waiting to engage sexually until both partners are in the mood, which can be infrequent.

This is a common issue for couples, according to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA). While it isn’t always a problem, mismatched sex drives can lead to feelings of rejection for the partner with a high libido and feelings of guilt or annoyance for the partner with a low libido.

Childbirth

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) reports that there isn’t a defined time for when someone can have sex again after childbirth, but many healthcare providers recommend waiting for at least six weeks. Some may prefer to wait longer.

Spending post-childbirth time without sex typically wouldn’t be considered a true “sexless marriage.” Yet, whether someone who has just given birth is mentally and emotionally ready for sex depends on the individual.

The added stress of caring for an infant, body image issues, tiredness, and a fear of getting pregnant again can also affect libido after having a child.

Stress

Excessive stress can wreak havoc on your sex drive. The stress hormone cortisol plays a role in this process. When cortisol levels increase, sex hormones decrease, ultimately reducing your desire for sex.

In addition to the physical reasons why stress lowers sex drive, the psychological effects of stress can leave you feeling so tired, frazzled, and anxious that you simply don’t have the desire or energy for sex. This can contribute to a sexless marriage.

Communication Issues

When you are in conflict with your partner, it can be difficult to maintain physical intimacy. You might not even feel like talking to them, let alone have a desire to engage in sexual activity.

Poor communication about sex, in general, can also lower sexual desire and arousal in individuals while impacting the body physiologically in terms of lubrication, orgasm, and erectile function. Additionally, these effects overall tend to be stronger for married individuals than those in dating relationships.

Erectile Dysfunction

Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection can make it difficult to have sex for a number of reasons. While erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common problem, it can also affect a person’s anxiety levels, confidence, and self-esteem.

People who have ED symptoms should always talk to a physician to rule out an underlying health condition. Health issues that can lead to ED include type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic kidney disease, and heart disease.

Low Sex Drive

Sometimes called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), low sex drive is an issue that both men and women may experience. The American Sexual Health Association shares that HSDD involves an absence of sexual desire, thoughts, or fantasies, leading to personal distress.

A variety of factors can contribute to HSSD development. Among them are depression, physical or sexual trauma, substance abuse or dependence, certain medications, or having a medical condition that causes low sexual desire, such as diabetes, hypertension, or metabolic syndrome.

Medication Side Effects

Many medications have sexual side effects. Some of the drugs that can cause sexual dysfunction include:

• Antidepressants
• Antihistamines
• Chemotherapy medicines
• High blood pressure medications (including diuretics)
• Hormonal medications
• Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs)
• Opiates
• Parkinson’s disease medicines

Mental Health Issues

Symptoms of depression include lack of energy, loss of interest and pleasure, social withdrawal, and depressed mood. All these factors can have an effect on a person’s desire for sex and physical intimacy.

Bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and psychosis are additional mental health issues that can impair sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction. Thus, treating these issues is important to effectively deal with a sexless marriage.

History of Abuse

Past sexual abuse can have long-lasting effects that influence both current and future relationships. Emotional reactions such as fear and shame, post-traumatic stress, and distortions in self-perception can seriously impact a person’s sex life.

Life Issues

A number of different life factors and/or circumstances can also play a role in how frequently people engage in sex with their partner, including:

Effects of a Sexless Marriage

• Decreased relationship satisfaction: While every couple has different needs and expectations, a lack of sex can be associated with reduced relationship satisfaction. One study found that sexual satisfaction is one of the main predictors of relationship satisfaction.
• Reduced self-esteem: A lack of physical intimacy in a relationship can cause people to feel rejected and insecure, which can negatively impact self-esteem.
• Poor communication: Fewer affectionate interactions with your partner may reduce feelings of emotional closeness, which can damage communication. It can also create avoidance, where both partners fear directly addressing the problem.
• Feelings of resentment: Partners may feel undesired, unappreciated, and unloved. This can lead to feelings of resentment and hurt the relationship.

How to Address a Sexless Marriage

Here are some ways you can address the lack of sex in your marriage if it’s a problem for you and your partner.

Communicate

Talk with your partner about the issue of low or no sex in your marriage. It may be difficult, but this communication is necessary. Even otherwise strong relationships can have problems with sex and intimacy. It isn’t necessarily a sign that your marriage is weak or in trouble.

During this talk, Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness, recommends using first-person language while avoiding blaming or accusatory language. One way to do this is by saying, “I have been feeling disconnected lately since we haven’t been as sexually active, and I’d like to explore some ways to enhance our sexual connection. Would you be open to talking more about this?”

As you talk, aim to determine ways you both think can rekindle your sex life. Making a change will only work if both of you agree to change and work together.

Build Intimacy

If you have decided that you want to have more sex, consider putting sex on your schedule. It may sound unromantic, but it can also be exciting and special if done the right way. Scheduling gives you something to look forward to and shows a commitment to one another and your physical relationship.

Beyond sex, it’s also important to explore other ways to build closeness that is often lost in low-sex or no-sex relationships. Physical intimacy doesn’t only involve sex. Make an effort to renew your love and create that special spark.

Spending more time together, whether you’re curled up on the couch watching television or taking turns giving each other a massage, builds foundational intimacy. Here are other intimacy-building activities you might consider:

• Try a new activity together.
• Do something physical together, such as going on a walk.
• Schedule a vacation or getaway.
• Plan a staycation at home.
• Go on a scheduled date night.

Get Help

Depending on the underlying causes, seeking outside help may also be a good option. You might try a marriage retreat, workshop, or seminar to help with communication and connection. 

Consult a healthcare provider to address any underlying medical conditions that may be impacting your sex life. Seek support from a mental health professional together or separately to foster communication skills or learn stress management techniques.

If therapy feels like the right direction for you, consider seeing a counselor who focuses on sexual issues in marriage, like a certified sex therapist. Your therapist can work with you to address any issues that are standing in the way of intimacy. Take these opportunities to focus on building a stronger, deeper marriage.

How Often Should Couples Have Sex?

If you have a low- or no-sex marriage, it’s important to decide if that’s a problem in your relationship. Whether you consider a low-sex or no-sex marriage an issue is entirely up to you and your partner.

There is no right amount of sex in a marriage. What’s more important, in many cases, is whether you still have physical and emotional intimacy with your partner and whether you and your partner are satisfied in your marriage.

Avoid comparing your marriage to others because every relationship is unique. While you might come across marital sex statistics that make you feel like you and your partner are not having enough sexual intimacy, going without sex is more common than you might think.

Will a Sexless Marriage Lead to Divorce?

According to a 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, having more sex indicates greater well-being for people in relationships, but only up to once a week.

Being dissatisfied with your sex life can breed trouble in a relationship. The lack of sex itself isn’t necessarily an issue, but rather any dissatisfaction associated with the lack of sex is.

If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex you and your partner are having, you may be wondering whether your relationship can be sustained. Making the decision to end your marriage can be very complex. Many factors can contribute to feeling sexually satisfied in a partnership, and they can differ from person to person.

Next Steps If You Are in a Sexless Marriage

Michele Weiner Davis, author of the book “Sex Starved Marriage,” explains why a low-sex marriage can become a major problem. “[It’s] really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated, and feeling connected,” she says.

Davis goes on to say that because of the hurt that can develop from not having needs met, the bond between a couple can dissipate to the point of putting the marriage at risk.

If your partner doesn’t agree that there is a problem in your marriage and doesn’t want to change, you will have to decide if a low- or no-sex marriage is a dealbreaker for you.

Whether being in a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker depends on the couple. But if you find yourself dissatisfied with the amount of sex you and your partner are having, the first step is to communicate this, then explore ways to find the intimacy that each of you needs to feel fulfilled.

There are many reasons that a relationship can become sexless, and many are treatable. Experiencing sexual issues in a relationship can be very difficult, but you don’t have to manage it alone.

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic that involves bringing a third party into a conflict to create division or gain control. Instead of addressing the problem directly, a person uses triangulation to stir things up behind people’s backs, often pitting people against one another. It’s a classic “divide and conquer” move that often shows up in toxic relationships, family dynamics, and workplace conflict.

How Triangulation Actually Works

Triangulation may be the most well-known toxic behavior. Triangulation is an approach used by many different people who share one thing in common: insecurity. As a result, they’re willing to manipulate others in harmful ways to get what they want or to feel a sense of security in a relationship. 

Typically, there’s limited to no communication between the two triangulated people except through the person manipulating them. It may appear in various ways, but all are about dividing, conquering, or putting people against each other. 

This might involve:

• Involving a third person, pulling them into the situation, and trying to force them to choose a side
• Pitting people against each other by selectively sharing information to create competition or tension
• Using indirect communication, sending messages through others instead of directly and openly talking about the problem
• Creating loyalty tests to force others to prove their support
• Blaming others to avoid taking responsibility
• Withholding information to maintain control and ensure that they are able to play the victim
• Creating conflict behind the scenes and then pretending to be innocent when tensions escalate or the argument comes to a head

What It Looks Like

• Family dynamics: If a parent refuses to acknowledge their children’s personality and individualism, and at the same time, siblings are treated very differently and discouraged from communicating with one another except through the parent, it’s triangulation. It can also involve drawing a child into a conflict between two parents.
• Relationships: Similarly, if a partner or friend uses another person to create a hostile environment, create drama, or pressure you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise do, this is triangulation. Individuals also use triangulation to bring another person into a relationship or friendship without directly confronting the person they have an issue with. 
• Personality disorders: Some people with Cluster B personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder, tend to view or judge themselves in relation to their level of competition with others.

Why Triangulation Is Common in NPD and BPD

Triangulation is a common feature in personality disorders, particularly narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD):

• How people with NPD use triangulation: Some people with narcissistic personality disorder may use triangulation to increase their feelings of supremacy, secure their self-esteem, and devalue other people while keeping potential competitors off-balance. They aren’t that different from the kids who use it to help navigate middle and high school status wars. 
• How people with BPD use triangulation: People with borderline personality disorder focus on receiving reassurance that they are loved to avoid feelings of abandonment. They may use triangulation to make someone jealous to prove their love and commitment to them. 

How Triangulation Affects Relationships

Triangulation can come in various dynamics. First, let’s take a look at how triangulation shows up in family dynamics and romantic relationships.

The Golden Child-Scapegoat Family Dynamic

Within a dysfunctional family unit, the unhealthy, toxic, and often selfish caregiver splits their moral self-image and inferior self-image into two distinct parts projected onto their kids. As a result, one child becomes the golden child who can do no wrong, while the other becomes the scapegoat. 

The golden child is idealized and can do no wrong. The scapegoat, however, is devalued and can only do wrong. These projections may differ over time and change depending on how the caregiver feels about the child at the time. 

Triangulation in Romantic Partnerships

In a romantic relationship, the manipulator will often bring another person into their intimate relationship to create friction, confusion, and jealousy. However, the individual usually enjoys the attention, whether negative or positive, and may even let the triangulated individuals know about one another so that they can fight for attention. 

Worse still, a narcissistically inclined person may triangulate someone they are no longer in contact with to control those they are in touch with. 

In the family variant of triangulation, splitting and projection also occur. The new partner or friend is idealized as perfect, whereas the previous person in that position is seen as entirely flawed. The person who is idealized or devalued is entirely subjective and depends on the manipulator.

Why Triangulation Is So Harmful 

When someone experiences triangulation:

• They may fear other people’s thoughts and feel humiliated, concerned, and self-protective. 
• They might feel the need to set the record straight.
• They may want to confront the other people involved.

However, by doing so, you allow the perpetrator to win. Sometimes, they’re hoping for this kind of reaction, hoping that you’ll lose control and act out in impulse and fear. 

This type of partnership can temporarily alleviate the stress of the situation. However, it can also be risky because it results in dysfunctional patterns and cycles within the relationship, especially if reinforced over multiple occasions. Over time, it creates a messy situation that will often lead to even more hurt feelings or misunderstandings. 

Healthy Ways to Cope

When dealing with triangulation, it’s essential to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the provoking or baiting person. Remember, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. 

Here are a few things you shouldn’t do: 

• Respond quickly to surprising news.
• Lose your temper or lose control of your feelings. While you can’t control other people, you always have control over your own words and responses, and that is where you’ll always have power.
• Make promises, commitments, or contracts that’ll only hurt your relationship with people whom you trust and love. No one who truly loves you will want to take healthy, supportive, positive relationships away from you. 

Here are a few things you should do: 

• Take a step back and consider the facts.
• Clarify anything you are told before acting on it.
• Stay in touch with loved and trusted ones in your life, and tell them about any problems or issues that arise.
• Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work, and leisure time.
• Remove yourself from a conversation if you sense it turning into an unhealthy or dysfunctional one.
• Maintain your self-control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you will not be manipulated like that. 

Healthy communication requires openness and authenticity, and working to resolve conflicts rather than creating them. The most potent way of dealing with these situations is to take a step back, accurately evaluate what is happening, and act accordingly. 

If you feel that you or a loved one could benefit from additional support, reach out to a qualified mental health professional. They can help you navigate your relationships involving triangulation.