:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/what-is-withdrawal-how-long-does-it-last-63036-Final-c41a8e50c2b54216b93f7d4a74a073bd.png)
The mental and physical experience of quitting a substance
Source link
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/GettyImages-640849492-5b1ec4bd04d1cf003c1f9f46.jpg)
What Is Self-Loathing?
Key Takeaways
- Self-loathing is an extreme form of self-criticism that can make you feel unworthy.
- Trauma, perfectionism, and high expectations can cause self-loathing.
- To reduce self-loathing, identify your strengths and practice self-compassion.
Self-loathing, or self-hatred, is extreme criticism of oneself. It may feel that nothing you do is good enough or that you are unworthy or undeserving of good things in life. Self-hate can feel like having someone following you around at all times, criticizing you and pointing out every flaw or shaming you for every mistake.
Typical self-hatred thoughts may include:
- “I knew I would fail.”
- “Why do I even try?”
- “I’m a loser.”
- “No one wants to be around me.”
- “Look at me screwing up again.”
- “Can’t I just be normal?”
- “I hate myself.“
This article takes a closer look at the factors that contribute to self-loathing and what you can do to overcome this type of negative thinking.
What Causes Self-Loathing?
Self-loathing develops over time. It’s typically triggered by more than one factor, including past trauma, perfectionism, false expectations, social comparisons, and several learned behaviors.
Trauma
Many people with extreme self-loathing have been through traumatic and emotionally challenging experiences in their past. These experiences often include sexual, physical, or emotional abuse and neglect.
When children experience trauma, they begin to view the world as unsafe and the people around them as dangerous. In an effort to make sense of their world, they may develop a narrative that makes them feel as if they are not worth loving and have no value.
In some cases, these hateful statements may have been said directly to them by a parent or other person in their life. Soon, such thoughts become an all too familiar part of their inner critic.
Getting Help
If trauma is behind your self-loathing, consider seeking professional help. Whether a therapist, minister, or spiritual counselor, professional support can enable you to understand the root of your self-loathing and take steps toward self-compassion.
False Expectations
It is normal to want to belong, be accepted, or perform a task well. However, sometimes our expectations of self can be so high that they are unattainable by any human. These extraordinary expectations often lead to us falling short and feeling as if we have failed.
In these moments, our inner critic shows up to shame us and remind us how disappointing we have been. Even if our rational side recognizes that the expectations are unreasonable, our inner critic continues to drive home statements of self-hate.
Attempts to Please Others
To be connected to others, we may have learned over time that meeting the expectations of others works well. We might learn through social experiences that when other people are happy with us, we can feel happy with ourselves.
This unhealthy way of thinking about relationships may lead to significant patterns of dependent or people-pleasing behavior.
Nonetheless, some people feel devastated when they are not able to meet the needs of others, or they feel they have disappointed someone. Statements of self-loathing suggest that when we don’t meet the expectations of others something is wrong with us; we have failed, or we are not worthy of being loved or valued by others.
Perfectionism
A perfectionist is often viewed as someone who allows themselves no margin of error, no wiggle room for human mistakes or limitations. They expect perfection of themselves (and possibly others) at all times and in all situations.
It is important to note that we often develop a perfectionist mindset in an effort to protect ourselves from pain and feelings of disconnection. The belief is that when you perform perfectly, you are somehow preventing yourself from feeling pain. This pain may include feelings of shame, embarrassment, loneliness, abandonment, ridicule, judgment, and more.
Social Comparison
While it is normal to look around and notice what others are doing, it can become painful when you place value on that observation and find yourself lacking.
“Oftentimes, when comparing ourselves to others, we are putting ourselves down in the process. Whether that regards appearance, professionality, wealth, etc., we tend to see more positive attributes about someone else’s life than our own,” says Allie Soss, a licensed mental health counselor at New York City Psychotherapy Collective.
If you experience self-hatred, it is common to have what is referred to as upward comparison. This simply means having a tendency only to notice and give value to people performing “better” and, in turn, devaluing yourself with statements of self-hatred.
The Tolls of Self-Hatred
Self-hatred affects and influences many aspects of daily living. Self-hatred can prevent you from making important decisions, taking risks, connecting with others, and achieving goals.
Soss explains that how you view yourself can have a direct impact on your relationships, because your core beliefs determine how you view the world, how you interpret your experiences, and how you think that others feel view you.
If you have a negative core belief about yourself, you will not be able to understand other people’s motives. This can directly affect an interpersonal relationship and how you view yourself within the dynamic.
—
ALLIE SOSS, LMHC, NEW YORK CITY PSYCHOTHERAPY COLLECTIVE
If you struggle with self-hatred, you may experience its consequences in many areas and ways.
Relationship With Self
Not surprisingly, self-loathing as a negative impact on self-concept (the image you have of yourself) as well as self-esteem (how you feel about yourself). When your inner critic is constantly putting yourself down, it’s nearly impossible to view yourself in a positive light.
The Workplace
Since work is often performance-based (behaving a certain way, meeting job expectations, interacting with others), it is not surprising that self-loathing can impact your work life. When you feel worthless or incapable, you may be less likely to take on projects or find it difficult to work collaboratively with others. You may feel resentment toward coworkers or put yourself down for lack of performance.
Social Situations
It can be extremely difficult to make and maintain friendships when you are burdened with constant and relentless negative self-talk and self-loathing. To avoid the pain of criticism, judgment, or abandonment, you may even resist meeting new people. Or you may come off as cold or uncaring, which can prevent you from getting close to others.
Family Relationships
Since a significant influence on self-hatred comes from past social experiences like abuse and trauma, family dynamics can feel very complicated for someone struggling with self-loathing. You may be in a situation that requires you to be in contact with someone from your painful past, causing distress and a tendency to withdraw to avoid experiencing painful memories and emotions.
Even if you are not dealing with a traumatic family history, your perfectionist mindset and unrealistic expectations of self can get in the way of being able to enjoy family interactions.
The pressure to “perform perfectly” in those settings can become too much and prevent you from forming and enjoying family connections.
Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships can feel complicated and confusing for someone who experiences self-loathing. You may fight the idea of closeness and intimacy.
Even if you long to feel close, the fear of someone seeing your perceived imperfections, limitations, or lack of value can be overwhelming and stand in the way of a meaningful relationship. The inner critic is painful enough, but the thought of someone close to you seeing or thinking those things about you can feel devastating.
Goal-Setting
Self-hatred tells us that we are not capable and will likely fail or fall short—and this type of thinking can make goals, desires, and dreams feel distant and impossible. You may look at others and think they are getting it right, while you suffer from constant self-critical statements. Living this way is emotionally exhausting and can result in a lack of desire to set goals at all.
Decision-Making
Negative self-talk and self-loathing can hijack or paralyze decision-making abilities. When you see yourself in such a negative way, you may feel less willing to take risks that will help you grow. You may pull away from opportunities to connect with others and find yourself stuck in a pattern of self-doubt.
How to Stop the Cycle of Self-Loathing
Living with self-hatred is overwhelming, exhausting, and isolating. Luckily, there are steps we can take to quiet that inner critic, calm the negative storm, and move forward in positive ways.
Give Yourself Time
Soss says that it is important to remember that changing how you view yourself is not something that will happen overnight. “Allowing yourself the time and space to identify specific areas you are struggling with or to bring into your awareness how your self-view influences your relationships with yourself and others is the first step,” she says.
Tame Your Inner Critic
If you struggle with self-loathing, your inner critic might feel relentless and you may begin believing your inner dialogue’s hateful narrative. When this happens, it is helpful to try to slow yourself down and distinguish feelings from fact.
Inventory Your Strengths
Identifying your strengths can help quiet self-hatred. If you find it difficult to come up with some on your own, consider asking others for help. It is almost always easier to recognize someone else’s strengths rather than our own.
“Allowing yourself to identify specific positive attributes to your life is a great way to focus on something positive about yourself at least one time per day. Once you are able to get into the habit of noticing at least one positive attribute about yourself can start the process of finding more positive aspects more often,” Soss explains.
Challenge Negative Thoughts
In addition to identifying your strengths, Soss also recommends reframing as a way to combat negative thoughts. When you find yourself thinking something negative about yourself, consciously challenge it and replace it with something more realistic or neutral.
For example, instead of thinking, “I’m the worst at this!,” you might replace it with something like, “I’m trying my best, and I’m developing my skills the more I practice.”
Start small, and remember, you are not looking for perfection; you are looking for consistency.
—
ALLIE SOSS, LMHC, NEW YORK CITY PSYCHOTHERAPY COLLECTIVE
While this process takes time, continual efforts will lead to gradual progress. “You will have negative thoughts come back up, but identifying them and replacing them can be a great way to remind yourself that it is okay to not be perfect, and this takes time as you are unlearning a negative behavior that has served you in some way in the past,” Soss says.
Learn to Accept Compliments
If you view yourself in a hateful way, it’s hard to take a compliment. It may even feel foreign and uncomfortable and so you’ll dismiss it or minimize to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Learning how to accept a compliment will take practice, but it is possible. The next time someone compliments you, try saying “thank you”—and stop there. Resist the urge to follow it up with a self-critical or dismissive response.
Develop Self-Compassion
People who struggle with self-hatred often have little or no compassion toward themselves. In fact, the idea of having self-compassion can feel impossible or confusing. A great way to think of self-compassion is to think about how you would treat a friend or loved one. Would you beat them up for making a mistake or remind them that no one is perfect?
Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would extend to a good friend.
Practice Forgiveness
Self-loathing is often focused on the past—a painful moment or emotion like shame or guilt, anger or embarrassment, or a sense of powerlessness. In that space, there is no room to forgive ourselves or embrace who we are.
Do your best to stay in the present and focus on how far you have come. This may feel uncomfortable or different, but over time, it will help you to decrease self-loathing and gain self-compassion.
Source link
6 Signs of a Serial Cheater, According to a Psychiatrist
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/GlasshouseImages-fca28779fe9a4fdcb8823918206e10ce.jpg)
Key Takeaways
- Serial cheaters often hide their devices and lie about intimacy.
- Many serial cheaters have poor impulse control and may struggle with mental health issues.
- If you discover your partner is a serial cheater, prioritize your well-being and consider therapy for both of you.
Learning you’ve been cheated on is such a terrible feeling. One of the only things that can feel worse than discovering your partner cheated on you, though, is finding out that it isn’t their first time being unfaithful. A person with a history of cheating is a serial cheater. They may cheat emotionally, physically, or both.
The cheating may have occurred once in a relationship but with multiple relationships, or numerous times with the same partner. Serial cheating simply means that someone has cheated on a partner more than once.
How can you be on the lookout for a serial cheater, and what can you do if you learn that your partner has been cheating on you repeatedly? With the help of a board-certified psychiatrist, we’ll parse out everything you need to know to handle this difficult situation.
Characteristics and Behaviors of Serial Cheaters
It’s worth noting that cheating is a form of expression, and can have many underlying causes. “Serial cheating should also be viewed as a behavioral form of communicating; a window into underlying emotions, impulses toward recreating past trauma, avoiding emotional intimacy, and low self-esteem,” explains co-founder of SohoMD Dr. Edward Ratush.
The following are signs that a person has a history of cheating on a partner.
- They lie, particularly in relation to intimacy. “Cheaters lie to their partners about their intimacy priorities, hiding the fact that sexual novelty and/or sexual compulsivity are at the root of their decision tree,” says Ratush.
- They’ve cheated before. People who have cheated on past partners are more likely to do it again. This might seem obvious, but for many of us, it’s natural to give partners the benefit of the doubt that they have changed since a past mistake. It’s important to know, however, that people who cheat during their first relationship are three times as likely to do it again in their next relationship, versus those who did not cheat in theirs.
- They hide their devices. It’s perfectly reasonable to want privacy in your communication with others, but a partner who hides their phone, laptop, or tablet from you may be doing so because they have a history of cheating or are cheating currently.
- They exhibit poor impulse control. “The characteristics seen in serial cheaters can vary widely,” says Ratush, who clarifies that “this behavior can be driven by poor impulse control, potentially as a symptom of various psychiatric conditions.”
- They haven’t dealt with their emotional health issues. “Underlying conditions may range from primary psychiatric conditions, like bipolar disorder or impulse-control disorders like ADHD or substance-induced behavioral disorders,” explains Ratush. “Sexual addiction or attachment issues may also be at play,” he adds.
- They act like cheating isn’t a big deal, or say that monogamy is overrated. If your partner doesn’t seem interested in committing to you, doesn’t think monogamy is the right relationship model for them, and/or doesn’t think that cheating on a partner is a deal breaker, you should take them at face value. This line of thinking is indicative of a person who has cheated on partners.
Impact of Serial Cheating on Relationships
Serial cheating impacts both the cheater and the person being cheated on, and, in short, it just isn’t healthy for anyone involved. Both the person cheating and the person being cheated on many quickly find themself worse for the wear of the experience.
Your own history in relationships can dictate how you respond to being cheated on. “For the person being cheated on, this behavior could feed into past trauma and actually keep the partner engaged in a negative loop,” warns Ratush.
On the other hand, a positive relationship history may help you get out of the situation more quickly. “If the partner who has been cheated on possesses, themselves, a healthy attachment process and high self-esteem, they will generally move on from the relationship and avoid the drama of further negative behavior,” he says.
Dr. Edward Ratush
For the person being cheated on, this behavior could feed into past trauma and actually keep the partner engaged in a negative loop.
— Dr. Edward Ratush
For the person cheating, doing it again after having done it in the past might reinforce negative self-beliefs. “For the cheater, it could be out of their control, with addiction or impulse issues negatively impacting their self-esteem,” says Ratush. In fact, he tells us that the situation might be so out of their control that “some serial cheaters, especially those prone to addiction, can be so emotionally possessed that they will put a loving relationship at risk just to fulfill their compulsive needs.”
How to Identify a Serial Cheater
Now that you know some characteristics and behaviors of a serial cheater, it should be easier to discern the warning signs. Here’s how to identify that someone has a history of cheating, or that in doing it now, it isn’t the first time.
Top signs of a serial cheater
- They have poor relationships with others. “One important place to look is their relationship with their parents, siblings, and friends,” says Ratush. That’s because “if they have long-term, healthy dynamic relationships with people in their lives, chances are they’ll have it with their partner.”
- They are resistant to addressing their mental health when you bring it up. “look for people who take care of their mental health,” suggests Ratush. “Cheaters, commonly, endure poor states of mental health,” he explains, noting that “identifying untreated mental health disorders and/or poor mental hygiene is critical to understanding the serial cheater.”
- They’ve cheated on you once already. Because of the studies showing that those who have cheated once are more likely to do it again, you might not want to accept an apology and move on with full trust.
Anyone can be a cheater, but some demographics are more prone to cheating than others. For instance, men are more statistically likely to cheat than women, and older people are more likely to cheat than younger ones.
How to Deal With a Serial Cheater
If you’ve discovered that your partner is a serial cheater, you shouldn’t wait to take action. You’ll want to begin taking your next steps as soon as possible.
First, you need to prioritize your physical health. “When cheating is discovered, the first concern should be personal health: stop sexual intimacy immediately to avoid any health risks,” recommends Ratush. If your partner claims to have taken precautions when cheating, that doesn’t mean it’s safe to engage with them. You’ll want to both get tested right away.
Next, therapy is in order. ” Work on a plan to engage in psychiatric treatment involving both a biological work-up and talk therapy,” says Ratush. Unless the situation is dealt with, your partner is likely to cheat again. And you should also take part in therapy, both to process the trauma of your partner cheating and to make sure you don’t get caught up in their cycle of it.
Lastly, you need to pause in the present. “Explore tangible steps to improve the state of mental health before talking seriously about the future of the relationship,” suggests Ratush. If you have future plans, it’s best to put them on pause until you can both be sure your partner won’t cheat on you again.
How to Move Forward
Whether you stay with your partner or decide to break up, chances are you’ve been exhausted emotionally by the process of someone cheating on you. Prioritize your own self-care, knowing you can’t fix anyone else.
Seeking out therapy for yourself will be key to making sure you don’t move straight from one person who cheats to another who does too. “A person moving on after a relationship with a serial cheater should have their own psychiatric evaluation done—to make sure they have the right support to manage any heartbreak and also to understand whether they’re somehow attracting this type of person into their lives,” suggests Ratush. He says that this work should be done for the sake of your mental health and self-esteem.
If you decide to stay with your partner, their own therapy will be needed to change their habits. The good news is, that’s actually possible! “With the proper psychiatric care, cheaters can find the path to healthier emotional living,” explains Ratush. “Sometimes, with the right support and treatment, the emotions and honesty that can be brought to light after a cheating episode can become the motivation that helps people commit to elevating their lives.”
Resources for Your Emotional Health
If you have been with a serial cheater, know that it isn’t your fault. You chose to love someone who is acting from a place of not being fully well emotionally, and that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Your focus should now be on how to improve your place emotional wellness so that you recover from this situation.
Infidelity Survivors Anonymous is a support group for people who have been the victims of cheating. They have meetings online and in person, as well as hosted events. If you are unsure how to get the support you need, this is the perfect place to start.
If you are going to stay with your partner, utilizing a structured form of recovery can keep your partner on track. The Infidelity Recovery Institute has a seven step program designed for couples who want to move forward together after someone in the relationship has cheated.
Your own personal network can also be relied on. Rather than keeping this situation to yourself, tell those you are close to about what you have been through. Allow yourself to lean on your loved ones as you recover from being with a serial cheater. They’ll help you take the time to care for yourself, and can remind you that it wasn’t your fault.
Being with a serial cheater is traumatic, so give yourself the grace to take time to get over it. Healing doesn’t happen immediately, but your future can still be full of love and honesty.
Source link
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/julienguyenheadshot2024-da0b5e86a1da4a92886572544a2a16b0.jpg)
4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Is Already Over
Key Takeaways
- If there is a lack of physical and emotional intimacy, it might mean the relationship is over.
- Constantly having the same unresolved arguments can show a relationship is ending.
- Trust your gut feelings about the relationship—they might be right.
Being in love can be one of the best feelings in the world. The relationship can be filled with exhilaration and a soft gushiness that can propel you towards promises of forever. Yet, as time slips by, you may begin to experience uncertainty about your partner.
It might’ve reached a point where you aren’t connected like how it was at the beginning. Even the little things about their personality may have started to bother you, and the same old arguments keep replaying on a loop. You’re not opening up to your partner as much as you used to, and if you’re being totally honest—you’re not sure if you can see them in your future anymore.
Perhaps the relationship is going through a tough moment that seems impossible to repair. Or everything seems “fine,” but you’re left with a persistent feeling of doubt you can’t seem to shake. Whatever the case may be, you’re now wondering if the relationship has run its course and it’s time to move on. To help you feel confident moving forward, here are a few obvious (and not-so-obvious) clues that could hint your relationship is already over.
At a Glance
When you’re at a crossroads in your relationship, it can be difficult to make a decision. On one hand, you know love requires hard work, so you want to salvage a good thing if you have it. On the other hand, you don’t want denial to push you further in a relationship that isn’t making you happy. Look for consistent incompatibilities that you can’t seem to overcome. no matter how much you try. Some key signs your relationship may be beyond repair include:
- a lack of physical intimacy
- issues with problem-solving
- feeling lonely in the same room
- that gut feeling
Simply put, trust your body—you’ll know when it’s time.
The Intimacy Just Isn’t There Anymore
If one of you reaches out for sexual intimacy, and the other consistently responds with excuses about being tired, irritated, stressed, disconnected, or not in the mood, it could indicate underlying issues in your relationship. There are no strict rules for sexual frequency, and experiencing occasional dry spells is normal.
However, if this pattern of physical distancing becomes a recurring theme, it’s worth addressing–especially if you feel like you’re forcing things, slowed down with physical touch, sharing secrets about your day, and engaging in revealing conversations together.
In my work as a relationship coach, I’ve observed once you’ve stopped confiding in your partner, it’s likely you’ve also stopped craving physical and emotional intimacy with them, too.
This observation is backed up by a 2018 study that investigated how emotional closeness in long-term relationships can influence one’s desire for sex. The researchers discovered that being emotionally close doesn’t directly lead to more sex, but it does lead to a stronger desire for it. The study emphasizes the importance of maintaining open lines of communication for increased relationship satisfaction.
When a couple tells me they’re not super open about the mundane and pivotal parts of their respective lives, it’s a huge sign that the relationship has probably been on the outs for some time.
If you’re not actively seeking out these kinds of connected moments, it may mean that you no longer see them as someone who can bring you joy and fulfillment. Perhaps they are more like your best friend, family member, roommate, teammate, co-worker, or an obligation. Those are great aspects to have in your relationship, but viewing each other as a source and expression for your romantic pleasure is needed to keep the spark alive.
You Can’t Problem Solve Together
In long-term relationships, it’s common to have the same fight again and again. You know the fight I’m talking about. Even when you bicker about something different like the dishes, work, family, or money—somehow, somehow, the argument inevitably tumbles back to the same core issue. Not being able to get past this central fight can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and suppression.
Sure, these fights can be frustrating. But they can also be incredibly satisfying once you finally tackle the unhidden issue that needs to be talked through to elevate the relationship. Addressing these emotionally charged issues requires effort. One must be thoughtful of triggers, understand the other’s perspective, discuss past grievances objectively, and strive to meet their partner’s needs.
While these fights may linger, you can break free of the cycle with warm, open, positive, and honest communication. Just know it’ll take as long as it needs to. Patience and perseverance are your allies.
The problem is avoiding certain conversations out of fear of confrontation, which signals a massive loss of trust in your partner. This reluctance to discuss sensitive topics shows you’re uncomfortable disclosing private aspects of yourself or articulating the fullness of your needs. If you can’t tell them when you’re upset, how can you approach them with a vulnerable request about something else that matters to you? When it reaches this point, your partner may not be seen as a collaborator for effective problem-solving but instead as an adversary. You’re not on the same side anymore.
If you can’t tell them when you’re upset, how can you approach them with a vulnerable request about something else that matters to you?
When you’re disconnected and can’t move beyond entrenched, well-defended positions in the argument, it’s time to question whether your relationships allow for change at the necessary level. If not, you might need to consider whether something different is required for your own well-being.
You Feel Alone When You’re Next To Them
If you find yourself longing to do things alone or fantasizing about moments they won’t be around so you can participate in the activities you enjoy, that’s an invitation to pause and reflect further.
When you’re in a thriving relationship, you’ll want to do some of your alone things with your partner. When your relationship is surviving, you’ll feel lonely even when they’re next to you doing the same thing—as if there’s an emotional abyss in between. You may feel misunderstood, trapped, shut down, on edge, and uncomfortable being around them. Taken to an extreme, you may find yourself judging your partner and the things they value.
If you’re not putting in the time and energy to nurture a connection, you will grow apart. It’ll make sense to keep doing your own thing until you look up one day and realize you’re living completely separate lives.
When you and your partner feel disconnected on a fundamental level, no longer prioritize the same values, and find it hard to get along, it becomes a challenge to co-create a shared future. Why commit to a future together when the present moment feels so dissatisfying to be in?
Quick Exercise to Self-Reflect
A useful exercise to help you see things clearly:
- Write down a simple list of all the activities you do on a regular basis.
- Give each one a rough percentage of the time you spend on it.
- What do you do alone or with your partner?
- Which ones give you energy or take from you?
- Which activities do you commit to out of obligation versus authentic desire?
The answers to these questions may reveal surprising truths.
You Just Know It
Our subconscious mind controls 95% of our lives, meaning that a majority of our decisions, actions, emotions, and behaviors are influenced beyond our conscious awareness. These imperceptible signals are picked up by our mind-body connection, registering as a gut instinct that tells us something is not right.
In my work as a relationship coach, I’ve observed once you’ve stopped confiding in your partner, it’s likely you’ve also stopped craving physical and emotional intimacy with them, too.
Gut feelings are easy to dismiss until we unpack the science. Emerging research notes the gut is linked to the enteric nervous system, which works alongside the brain to communicate in parallel, which ultimately plays a major instinctive part in our physical and emotional states.
That’s why the gut is known as the second brain. So, when you simply “know” something to be true, even if you can’t put it into words or logically figure out how you know it, don’t dismiss what your gut is telling you. There’s a reason why they call it a “deep knowing” or an “inner truth.” Your intuition is intelligently designed.
Is It My Gut or Just My Anxiety Talking?
Many of my clients have told me it’s hard to tell the difference between their gut and anxiety. Let’s talk about the embodied difference:
- When your instincts are fear-based, your thoughts will feel overly analytical, obsessive, uncertain, and full of rumination.
- When your instincts are coming from your intuition (or your gut), your thoughts will feel clear, truthful, unhurried, and consistent.
But I will say this: if you live an unhealthy lifestyle with factors such as stress, anxiety, inactivity, poor diet choices, and lack of sleep, it’ll contribute to an imbalanced gut microbiome. This means your mental health will be impacted, and your instincts will feel out of whack. For optimal cognitive functioning, it’s imperative to align your mind, body, and soul with nourishing self-care practices so you can trust your intuition.
If you’ve been contemplating ending your relationship, regardless of whether or not you can clearly say why, don’t over-intellectualize what’s happening. Pay attention to your body and what it’s telling you–which you can only know when you slow down through mindfulness. You don’t have to have a big reason to break up with your partner and read article after article if you’re meant to be together. You’ll just know it.
What This Means For You
Relationships are always workable because love is a choice. But sometimes, there’s no amount of “work” that can make a wrong relationship right. While you can always try out new strategies, techniques, and tools to improve your relationship, constantly finding an angle back into a connection where you can’t communicate or grow together is the definition of sunk cost fallacy. You don’t need to wait for a vicious fight or a breach of trust to happen so you can feel confident about ending the relationship. If you’ve been wanting to leave, that’s the only reason you need to go.
Source link
Find Good Men: Real Dating Tips to Find Love! Subscribe Now! #shorts
This YouTube channel helps people find good, loving men. It shares practical insights and guidance for building healthy …
source
Be His Priority✨ #datingadviceforwomen #love #datingadvice #datingtips
So this is an energetic change. There is almost nothing that you have to do on the outside. This is not outer stuff. This is an inner …
source
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/SanjanaGupta-d217a6bfa3094955b3361e021f77fcca.jpg)
Signs, Causes, and Coping Strategies
Key Takeaways
- Recognize your triggers and challenge negative thoughts to overcome insecurity.
- Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and celebrating your successes.
- Build a supportive network and consider seeking professional help if necessary.
Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough? Do you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others and feeling like you’re coming up short? Do you hesitate to try new things because you’re sure you’ll be bad at them? Does your inner critic whisper in your ear while you’re at work, spending time with your friends, or even when you’re simply trying on clothes in the mirror?
We know this cycle of self-doubt and insecurity can be exhausting to live with. It doesn’t let you believe in yourself, holds you back from trying new things, and keeps you from living your best life.
Understanding Insecurity
According to the American Psychological Association, insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy and lack of confidence that makes us doubt our abilities and relationships with others.
Insecurity is usually a belief that you’re a failure as a person, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago.
Insecurity is usually a belief that you’re a failure as a person.
Although insecurity can look and feel different to everyone, these are some common signs and symptoms:
- Constant self-doubt: There’s a nagging voice in your head that makes you doubt your abilities, appearance, and worthiness.
- Negative self-talk: Your inner critic is constantly focused on perceived flaws or shortcomings, berating you repeatedly for every little mistake you make.
- Excessive comparison: You frequently compare yourself to others and feel inferior as a result.
- Approval seeking: You feel like you need the validation and approval of others to feel worthy or accepted. This can lead to people-pleasing behavior or a fear of taking risks.
- Fear of rejection: You have a strong fear of being judged, criticized, or rejected by others.
- Sensitivity to criticism: Even minor criticism can feel devastating, confirming your inner doubts and insecurities.
- Defensiveness: You may react defensively to constructive criticism or feedback, taking it personally and feeling attacked.
- Overconfidence: Conversely, insecurity can also manifest itself as overconfidence. People who are insecure have trouble taking feedback because they can’t be seen as being less than expert at anything, so they sometimes appear overconfident and put others down, says Dr. Daramus.
- Social anxiety: You feel on edge in social situations, because you’re worried about being judged or rejected. As a result, you may struggle to make conversations or maintain eye contact with others.
- Physical symptoms: When your insecurity is triggered, you may experience physical symptoms such as tense muscles, rapid heartbeat, sweating, or a stomach upset.
Factors Contributing to Insecurity
These are some of the factors that can contribute to insecurity:
- Upbringing: A lack of love, support, or positive reinforcement from caregivers in your early years can leave you feeling insecure about your worth. If the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally don’t, you may not learn to love yourself.
- Parental pressure: If you were put under too much pressure to perform as a child or were given tasks that were too difficult for you, you may end up feeling like a failure, says Dr. Daramus.
- Abuse: Negative experiences such as childhood abuse, bullying, rejection, or criticism can leave lasting emotional scars and contribute to insecurity. If you grow up being told there’s something wrong with you, you might start to believe it, says Dr. Daramus.
- Trauma: Traumatic experiences can leave you feeling unsafe and insecure in the world, impacting your sense of self-worth and trust in others.
- Past failures: Experiencing rejection, failure, or criticism—in your professional or personal relationships—can chip away at your confidence and make you hesitant to take risks.
- Perfectionism: Holding yourself to unreasonably high standards can lead to constant disappointment and feelings of inadequacy.
- Lack of support: A lack of supportive relationships, encouragement, or positive feedback can undermine your confidence and contribute to insecurity.
- Comparison: Constantly comparing yourself to others, especially in terms of achievements, appearance, or success, can fuel feelings of inferiority and insecurity.
- Social pressures: Societal expectations around success, relationships, or appearances can also be a source of pressure and insecurity.
- Social media: Social media, with its curated highlight reels, can create unrealistic beauty standards and fuel feelings of inadequacy.
- Neurodivergence: Insecurity can also be a sign of undiagnosed neurodivergence, such as ADHD or autism, says Dr. Daramus.
Effects of Insecurity
Insecurity can take a toll on your mental health, relationships, career, and personal growth. These are some of the effects you may experience:
- Low self-esteem: Insecurity often leads to low self-esteem, causing you to doubt your abilities, worth, and value.
- Imposter syndrome: Insecurity may also manifest in the form of imposter syndrome. You may feel like you’re doing badly even when you’re doing well, because you believe so strongly that you could not have succeeded, says Dr. Daramus. For example, she says you could be an Olympic athlete or a Nobel prize winner and still feel small and stupid.
- Mental health: Insecurity can be a breeding ground for stress, anxiety, and depression. The constant feeling of inadequacy and fear of rejection can take a toll on your mental well-being.
- Relationships: Insecurity can make it difficult for you to form healthy relationships. You might become possessive or jealous in romantic relationships, or struggle to trust and open up to friends.
- Indecisiveness: Constantly second-guessing and doubting yourself can make it difficult to make decisions, big or small. You might rely heavily on others’ opinions or miss opportunities due to indecisiveness.
- Missed opportunities: Fear of judgment or failure can prevent you from taking risks, trying new things, or putting yourself out there. Due to your insecurity, you may not really try, says Dr. Daramus. This can limit your personal and professional growth.
Identifying Personal Insecurities
Becoming more self-aware and recognizing your insecurities can be the first step towards overcoming them. Here are some ways to identify and understand your insecurities:
- Pay attention to your inner critic: What kind of thoughts pop into your head throughout the day? Are they encouraging and kind, or do they focus on your flaws and shortcomings?
- Notice your emotional reactions: Pay attention to your emotional reactions in different situations. When do you feel anxious, defensive, or inadequate? These emotions can point to areas of insecurity.
- Watch for physical signs: Do you experience physical symptoms like anxiety, sweating, or blushing in situations that make you feel insecure?
- Analyze your behavior: Do you shy away from taking risks or expressing your opinions for fear of rejection? Do you spend excessive time worrying about how you appear to others? Do you prioritize others’ approval over your own needs, in an effort to please them?
- Keep a journal: If you’re trying to be more aware of your insecurities, it can be helpful to keep a journal where you note down the situations that trigger your self-doubt, negative self-talk, anxiety, or avoidance. Also note down your emotional, physical, and behavioral responses to each situation. This exercise will help you identify triggers and patterns of insecurity, so you can start to work on them.
Overcoming Insecurity
We asked the expert for some strategies that can help you overcome your insecurities:
- Confront your beliefs: Instead of accepting negative self-talk, try to confront your beliefs about yourself and where they came from, says Dr. Daramus. She recommends asking yourself, who taught you this about yourself?
- Practice self-compassion: Offer the same kindness and self-compassion to yourself that you would others, reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Learn to forgive yourself and focus on learning and growing.
- Embrace self-acceptance: You are worthy of love and belonging just as you are. Instead of striving for perfection, accept yourself as you are, with all your flaws and imperfections.
- Celebrate your successes: Dr. Daramus recommends keeping a list of your successes, even if they’re imperfect. “You probably already have a mental list of your mistakes, but you need to balance that out by celebrating good work.”
- Step out of your comfort zone: Challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone and try new experiences. Celebrate your victories, big and small, to build confidence.
- Limit social media consumption: Curated feeds and unrealistic portrayals on social media can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy. Consider taking breaks from these platforms, or limiting your daily usage.
- Build a supportive network: Dr. Daramus says it’s important to spend time with people who like and respect you. “If possible, avoid spending time with people who focus on your mistakes, unless they’re giving you constructive feedback in a kind and supportive way.”
- Seek professional help: If your insecurities are overwhelming and interfering with your ability to function, consider seeking help from a therapist. They can equip you with tools and strategies to manage negative thoughts and build self-esteem.
Source link
What to Do When You’ve Been Sidelined
Key Takeaways
- If you think you’re being benched, communicate honestly to find out where you stand in the relationship.
- It’s important to remember your worth and set boundaries about what you’re looking for in a relationship.
If you watch or play sports, you know that benching means keeping a player off the field or court as a back-up option, in case your first or second choice of player is unable to play. This analogy has been extended to the dating world, to describe a dating trend where people keep potential partners as backup options.
“Benching means keeping a backup player on the sidelines, not letting them participate in the live action of one’s life, but letting them think they are a part of it because they get a better seat than those in the bleachers,” says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”
Also sometimes known as cushioning and breadcrumbing, benching is basically the equivalent of stringing someone along. The person is not not interested, they’re just not interested enough to commit to anything and are playing the field, so to speak.
“Benching has become very common with the use of dating apps, as people tend to be overwhelmed with choice and are often juggling multiple partners,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.
This article discusses how to recognize whether you’re being benched by someone, what being benched feels like, and what to do if you realize you’re being benched.
How to Know If You’re Being Benched
These are some signs that can help you recognize someone is benching you:
- Inconsistent communication: One of the classic signs of benching is that the person will be inconsistent in their contact, communication, and efforts to make plans with you, says Dr. Romanoff.
- Uncertainty: If the person you are dating is vague about their next contact with you, their upcoming schedule, and their level of interest in seeing you again, then it’s possible you’re being benched, says de Llano. Their behavior can leave you feeling uncertain of their interest and motives.
- Last-minute plans: When the person does reach out, they may try to make plans with you at the last minute, usually because something else has fallen through and they have a gap in their schedule they want to fill.
- Casual sex: The person may engage in casual sex with you, either regularly or occasionally, without any hint of emotional commitment.
- Emotional fallback: The person may use you as a source of emotional support when they’re going through something difficult and need comfort. Though being there for them can make you feel valued and needed, it’s important to note whether the support is reciprocated, or only one-way.
- One-sidedness: Your interest, communication, and interactions with the person can feel one-sided.
Claudia de Llano, LMFT
If you feel like you’re on the outside of their life, looking in, you are probably being benched.
— Claudia de Llano, LMFT
Reasons Why People Bench Others
These are some of the potential reasons why someone may bench you, according to Dr. Romanoff.
Fear of Being Alone
Some people use dating to manage their fears of being alone, for validation and as a distraction. People who bench others are more likely to have a strong fear of being alone and use partners as a way to bolster their ego and sense of self. They’re not always honest with themselves or their partners about their motives.
Unrealistic Expectations
People may be unrealistic in their expectations around partners. The slightest inconvenience, turn off, or conflict might cause them to bench their partner.
Use of Online Dating Apps
A 2020 study notes that social media and dating apps enable benching because they make it easy for someone to be in touch with multiple partners simultaneously and give all of them breadcrumbs of affection with minimal effort. Sending an occasional text, meme, or post is an easy way to string someone along.
Changes in Dating Behavior
With the rise of online dating apps and the way the experience is gamified, people now shop for partners like they are shopping for clothes online.
Stress
The person may have a lot going on in their work and personal life, and may not be emotionally available enough to participate in a committed relationship.
Saturation
The person may feel overwhelmed by dating and may be incapable of focusing on a relationship, so they may bench the person in the meantime.
Mental Health Issues
The person may have a narcissistic personality, attachment disorder, egocentric personality, self-esteem issues, or other emotional issues.
Lack of Empathy
Some people might bench others out of a lack of awareness or empathy for another’s experience, says de Llano.
Is Benching the Same as Ghosting?
Benching is not quite the same as ghosting, because while benching means stringing someone along, ghosting someone means abruptly ending all communication and contact without any information or explanation.
Essentially, benching means coming and going from someone’s life at will; whereas, ghosting means disappearing from their life altogether, de Llano clarifies.
With benching, the person doing the benching likes the person they are putting aside and would be interested in potentially having a relationship with them; however, the person also has other options to choose from and is more interested in other potential partners, Dr. Sabrina explains. “They may circle back to someone they’ve benched if things don’t work out.
Is Benching Worse Than Ghosting?
While both tactics can be extremely confusing and hurtful, benching can be worse than ghosting because the person is giving you hope and stringing you along for longer periods of time, rather than cutting you loose and allowing you to move on, says Dr. Romanoff.
What Does Getting Benched Feel Like?
We asked the experts what getting benched can feel like and they said it can be a confusing and hurtful experience:
- Confusion: The experience can feel like a confusing rollercoaster because sometimes you get a partner who is available and present and at other times they are absent, says Dr. Romanoff.
- Self-doubt: Being benched can be a very hurtful experience for some, causing feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and questioning one’s self-worth and value, says de Llano. “It can impact your self-esteem as well as your ability to date confidently and find a partner worthy of your love.”
- Self-blame: People may internalize the other person’s behavior and assume the way they are being treated is a reflection of their value as a person or something they’re doing wrong, says Dr. Romanoff. “Instead of identifying the other person as an unworthy partner who isn’t treating them as they deserve to be treated, they assume the blame and believe they are less worthy.”
A 2020 study notes that people who have been benched reported feelings of unhappiness, loneliness, and helplessness.
What to Do If Someone Is Benching You
These are some steps you can take if you think someone is benching you.
Communicate Honestly
If you think you’re being benched, you should communicate with the other person honestly to see if it’s worth continuing a relationship with them, says Dr. Romanoff.
De Llano says you can be direct and say: “Hey, I’m feeling like I’m on the sidelines at the moment, how do you feel about me and what are you looking for?”
Open communication will never scare away or ruin a relationship with someone who is interested in you—it will only clarify where each person stands and save you a lot of confusion, time, and effort of holding onto a relationship that will never give you what you want, says Dr. Romanoff. “Be brave and don’t be afraid to communicate, even if it means not getting the answer you want.”
Set Boundaries to Protect Yourself
In a situation like this, it’s important to remember your worth and stand up for it. “You need to speak up for yourself and assert your needs and wants,” says de Llano.
You can protect yourself by sharing and setting boundaries with the person. Let them know what you’re looking for and that you’re only interested in continuing your engagement if they’re also seeking and available for the same.
For instance you could say, “At this point in my life, I’m looking for an exclusive relationship/a relationship that has the potential to turn serious. If you’re looking for something similar, I’d love to see where this goes. Otherwise, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
However, if their benching behavior continues, you can let them know the relationship isn’t working for you anymore and then end it.
Will They Ever Commit to Me If They Benched Me?
There is no one-size-fits-all rule to dating, and anything can happen, says Dr. Romanoff. “However, being benched isn’t a strong foundation for a relationship and the person will likely continue to keep you as a backup until they find someone they think is ‘better.’”
If what you want is to be prioritized and put first, then know you deserve to be with and can find someone who is willing to put you first, rather than treating you like an option.
How to Date Around Without Hurting People’s Feelings
If you happen to be dating multiple partners, here are some steps you can take to avoid benching people or hurting their feelings:
- Be honest: Let people know what you are looking for and what your intentions are, says de Llano. “You may not always be able to avoid hurting someone but you can avoid manipulating them and being dishonest.”
- Avoid stringing someone along: If you notice yourself benching someone or not wanting to see them again, Dr. Romanoff recommends taking that as a sign that they’re not the person for you. “Get into the habit of ending relationships you don’t see going anywhere, instead of keeping people as backups so you don’t end up alone.”
- Focus on your needs: In the long run, it’s better to focus on yourself and hold out for your ideal partner rather than keeping people that you don’t truly see a future with around as a distraction, says Dr. Romanoff. If your needs at this time are to date for reasons other than finding a serious partner such as dating for fun after a long relationship, to learn more about yourself and what you want and don’t want, or any other reason, then communicate this clearly so all parties involved can have the information they need to make a decision that feels right for them.
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
People are not place cards and treating others this way creates more drama and hurt than accepting you might not be dating anyone you’re interested in at the moment.
— Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Source link