Signs, Causes, and How to Respond


Key Takeaways

  • Covert narcissists act in subtle ways and may seem self-effacing, but they still crave importance and admiration.
  • They often use manipulation, such as guilt trips and shaming, to control others and keep focus on themselves.
  • To protect yourself, set clear boundaries and limit interactions with covert narcissists.

A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance, lacking empathy toward others but may act in a different way than an overt narcissist. They may exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but often hide the more obvious signs of the condition. While it can be more difficult to recognize, covert narcissism can be just as destructive as more overt narcissistic behaviors.

Common narcissistic traits include having a strong sense of self-importance, experiencing fantasies about fame or glory, exaggerating self abilities, craving admiration, exploiting others, and lacking empathy.

In the field of psychology, behavior can be described as overt or covert. Overt behaviors are those that can be easily observed by others, such as those of the traditional narcissist described earlier. Covert behaviors, however, are those that are more subtle and a bit less obvious to others.

Verywell / JR Bee


When considering the behavior of narcissists, it might be hard to imagine how someone could be a narcissist and be inhibited in their approach and behavior. A covert narcissist may be outwardly self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach, but the end goals are the same.

Causes of Covert Narcissism

The exact causes of covert narcissism are not entirely understood, but it is likely that a number of factors contribute. Experts suggest that narcissistic personality disorder is linked to factors including:

  • Genetics
  • Childhood abuse and trauma
  • Upbringing and relationships with caregivers
  • Personality and temperament

One study found that people with narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to have grown up with parents who were highly focused on status and achievements. Because they were often made to feel superior to other children, the belief that they are special and more valuable than others may persist into adulthood.

What Triggers a Covert Narcissist?

It is not clear, however, why narcissistic behavior is sometimes displayed in covert rather than overt ways. Some situations that might trigger a covert narcissist include:

  • Being ignored
  • Feeling disrespected
  • Threats to their ego
  • Feelings of shame
  • Being around high-status people
  • Feeling less attractive or less educated than others
  • Having less of something than others
  • Not getting the attention they think they deserve
  • Jealousy
  • Lack of control

Recap

Covert narcissism is characterized by the same behaviors of overt narcissism that are displayed in less obvious, more subtle ways. The exact causes for this are not known, but genetics and early relationships may play a role.

Click Play to Learn More About Covert Narcissism

Overt vs. Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists are only different from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted. The overt narcissist is easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, insensitive to the needs of others, and always thirsty for compliments.

Their behaviors can be easily observed by others and tend to show up as “big” in a room. Overt narcissists demonstrate more extroverted behaviors in their interactions with others.

Researcher and author Craig Malkin, PhD, suggests that the term “covert” can be misleading. In his work, he states that the term covert is often used to suggest that the covert narcissist is sneaky or that their striving for importance is not as significant as an overt (more extroverted) narcissist. In fact, he reports, the traits of the overt narcissist and the covert narcissist are the same.

Both overt and covert narcissists navigate the world with a sense of self-importance and fantasize about success and grandeur.

So do covert narcissists know what they are doing? While they may be aware on some level that their behaviors have a negative impact on other people, narcissists also tend to lack self-awareness and insight. Because they often believe they deserve the attention and accolades they seek, they may see nothing wrong with their behavior as long as it achieves the intended results.

Both overt and covert narcissists need to meet the same clinical criteria to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, whether they are extroverted or introverted. Both have deficits in their capacity to regulate their self-esteem.

Covert narcissists can be difficult to recognize at the outset of a relationship. Many people have fallen victim to the manipulative behaviors of a covert narcissist without realizing what has happened until they are already in emotional pain.

It might be more accurate to suggest that the extroverted (overt) narcissist would be a lot easier to see coming than the introverted (covert) narcissist. In relationships, covert narcissists cause hurt due to a sense of a lack of partnership or reciprocity in the relationship.

What Are Signs of a Covert Narcissist?

How can you tell if someone is a narcissist? Although there are clinical criteria that need to be met in order for someone to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, there are some general traits and patterns to look for in everyday interactions if you suspect you might be dealing with a covert narcissist, such as poor empathy and disregard for others.

In addition to looking for the red flags of a narcissist, it is also important to be able to recognize the more subtle behaviors of a covert narcissist. Being aware of these traits can help empower you, helping you to recognize and better navigate potentially unhealthy relationships and interactions.

What are some common phrases used by covert narcissists?

Types of comments you might hear from a covert narcissist include:

  • “I’m too good for this. I shouldn’t have to tolerate these people.”
  • “I deserve all of the good things life has to offer.”
  • “Other people have it better than me and it isn’t fair. I deserve more because I am better than other people.”
  • “People never appreciate how special I am.”
  • “I can’t believe you did that. Don’t do that again. You should feel ashamed.”
  • “Remember when I helped you a few years ago? You owe me a favor.”
  • “I’m the best you’ll ever have. You’ll never find anyone else like me.”
  • “No one else would give you the time of day. You should be grateful I stick around.”
  • “I was just joking. I can’t believe you took that seriously.”

Are You or Someone You Know a Narcissist? Take the Test

This free narcissistic personality test may be helpful in assessing whether or not you or someone you know display signs of narcissism.


This quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Passive Self-Importance

Where the more overt, extroverted narcissist will be obvious in their elevated sense of self and their arrogance when interacting with others, the covert narcissist may be less obvious.

The covert narcissist certainly craves importance, or narcissistic supply, and thirsts for admiration but it can look different to those around them. They might give back-handed compliments, or purposefully minimize their accomplishments or talents so that people will offer them reassurance of how talented they are.

The reality for both the overt and covert narcissist is that they have a fragile sense of self.

The overt narcissist will demand admiration and attention, where the covert narcissist will use softer tactics to meet those same goals. The covert narcissist will be much more likely to constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, looking for others to feed that same need for self-importance.

Blaming and Shaming

Shaming is a tactic that narcissists may use to secure their sense of an elevated position in relation to others. The overt (extroverted) narcissist might be more obvious in their approach to gaining leverage, such as explicitly putting you down, being rude, criticizing you, and being sarcastic.

The introverted, covert narcissist may have a more gentle approach to explain why something is your fault and they are not to blame. They might even pretend to be a victim of your behavior or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance and praise from you. Whether overt or covert, the goal is to make the other person feel small.

Creating Confusion

Although they are not always sneaky, some covert narcissists can take joy in creating confusion. They may not engage in blaming or shaming, but instead, causing people to question their perceptions and second-guess themselves.

This is another way to create leverage between them and another person. A covert narcissist needs to use tactics like this to elevate themselves and maintain power in the interaction. If they can get you to question your perceptions, it allows them the opportunity to manipulate and exploit you more.

Procrastination and Disregard

Because their need for self-importance reigns supreme, covert narcissists will do whatever they need to do in order to keep the focus on themselves. So, where an extroverted narcissist will blatantly push you aside or manipulate you to accomplish their goal, the covert narcissist is a professional at not acknowledging you at all.

It is not a coincidence that narcissists, in general, tend to gravitate toward interacting with caring and compassionate people. The covert narcissist recognizes those opportunities for manipulation as well.

They have no problem letting you know that you are not important.

Rather than explicitly telling you that you’re not important, they might stand you up on a date, wait until the last minute to respond to texts or emails, always show up late, or never make confirmed plans at all. There is no regard for your time or interests, leaving you feeling small, unimportant, and irrelevant.

Giving With a Goal

In general, narcissists are not givers. They find it difficult to put energy into anything that doesn’t serve them in some way. A covert narcissist might present themselves in a way that looks like they are giving, but their giving behavior always has the intent of getting something in return.

A simple, everyday example could be something like putting a tip in the jar at your local coffee shop. A covert narcissist would be much more likely to put their tip in the jar when they know the barista is looking, in order to help facilitate some kind of interaction that allows them to be praised for giving.

The intent of giving for a covert narcissist is always more about them and less about those to whom they are giving.

Emotional Neglect

Narcissists are inept at building and nurturing emotional bonds with others. The covert narcissist is no different. So, although they may appear kinder and less obnoxious than their extroverted counterpart, they are not emotionally accessible or responsive either.

You will likely not receive many compliments from a covert narcissist. They are always focused on staying elevated to maintain their sense of self-importance, so it is easy to understand how a covert narcissist would find it difficult to compliment you. There is usually little regard for your talents or abilities.

Just as with an overt narcissist, you will likely find yourself doing most of the heavy emotional lifting in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Although the covert narcissist is more likely to appear emotionally accessible, it tends to be a performance and is usually done with intent to exploit or eventually leave the other person feeling small through disregard, blaming, or shaming.

Since one of the hallmark traits of narcissistic personality disorder is lack of empathy, the covert narcissist is not going to be emotionally responsive to their partner in a healthy way.

Recap

Covert narcissists often behave in passive-aggressive ways. They disregard others while exaggerating their own importance. They also blame, shame, and ignore the feelings and needs of other people.

Examples of Covert Narcissist Behavior

To spot the signs of a covert narcissist, it can be helpful to look at how narcissistic traits may emerge in different settings.

In the workplace, covert narcissism may look like:

  • Treating colleagues with superiority and condescension
  • Creating a public image that is completely different than private behaviors
  • Making unreasonable demands on co-workers and subordinates
  • Belittling and blaming others for mistakes
  • Gossiping about others in the workplace
  • Expressing rage and then denying their anger

What Do Covert Narcissists Do in Relationships?

In other relationships, such as those with partners, parents, siblings, or other family members, covert narcissists might do any of the following:

  • Display a lack of empathy for the feelings, thoughts, and needs of others
  • Use guilt trips and shame to control others
  • Expect others to care for them or solve their problems
  • Gaslighting behaviors, such as being critical but making it sound like it is coming from a place of concern
  • Take advantage of other people’s vulnerabilities
  • Dismiss or deny other people’s feelings, emotions, or experiences
  • Respond to others with passive-aggressive behaviors

How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist

You may currently be in a personal relationship with a covert narcissist, whether it be a family member, co-worker, or significant other. Although you cannot control what a narcissist does, you can control how you behave and interact with them. There are steps that you can take to protect yourself from covert narcissistic abuse.

Avoid Taking It Personally

When dealing with a narcissist, whether covert or overt, their manipulative behavior can feel very personal. The lack of regard, sense of entitlement, patterns of manipulation, and deceptive behaviors can feel very personal when on the receiving end.

No matter how painful the behaviors might feel in the moment, it’s important to remember that they have nothing to do with you.

A narcissist behaves in negative ways because of something unhealthy within them—not because there is something unhealthy about you.

It is OK to look at the situation and the interactions in regard to how you contribute to them. However, it is very important when dealing with a narcissist that you let them “own” their part.

Narcissists want you to take it personally because that is how they maintain leverage. Remember, a narcissist feels small, so they have to make themselves “big” somehow.

Set Boundaries

Narcissists do not have healthy boundaries. Because covert narcissists lack empathy, have a strong sense of entitlement, and exploit others, boundaries are something that gets in the way of their goals. The more you can practice setting boundaries with a narcissist, the more consistently you are conveying to them that their tactics are not working.

Setting boundaries can be very difficult, particularly with a narcissist. Remember that boundaries are just a way for you to let someone else know what your values are. Consider what is important to you, what your values are, and work to create boundaries to support them.

Understanding why you are setting particular boundaries can help you have more confidence in establishing them and can keep you on track if someone attempts to violate or disregard your boundaries.

Advocate for Yourself

When interacting with a covert narcissist, it can be easy to lose your voice. Because the patterns of interaction are so manipulative, it may take time for you to realize that you’re not advocating for yourself.

Take time to tune back in with yourself, who you are, and what you are about. Take stock of your values, your goals, and your talents. Strengthening your relationship with yourself is key in being able to speak up during interactions with a narcissist.

When advocating for yourself, the narcissist gets a chance to meet the part of you that is aware and knowledgeable of their tactics, making it less appealing for them to keep trying those things with you.

Create a Healthy Distance

Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can feel frustrating and overwhelming. There are times when it can be difficult to create distance between you and that person, such as with a family member or co-worker.

Limiting personal interactions, asking to be moved to a different location in your office, taking breaks at a different time, or simply cutting off contact might be what is necessary if you are being hurt by someone’s narcissism. The goal of creating distance is not to hurt the other person; the goal is to protect yourself and create space for you to heal.

When to Seek Help

If someone you know shows signs of covert narcissism that are creating distress or affecting areas of your life, encourage them to talk to their healthcare provider. A doctor or therapist can recommend treatments that can help address these symptoms and improve their ability to cope.

There are also resources available for people who are in a relationship with a covert or overt narcissist. Consider visiting the Narcissist Abuse Support organization to find information and resources. 

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain. Find out which option is the best for you.


Source link

The Five Types, How to Deal With It


Key Takeaways

  • Imposter syndrome can cause feelings of being a fraud, even when you’re successful.
  • To fight imposter syndrome, talk to others about your feelings and focus on your real abilities.
  • Don’t let imposter syndrome stop you from pursuing your goals; keep going despite self-doubt.

Ever find yourself consistently experiencing self-doubt, even in areas where you typically excel? Do you often feel like a fake or a phony despite all your accomplishments? Because same. In fact, it’s a common phenomenon called impostor syndrome. Imposter syndrome may feel like nervousness, accompanied by the belief you’ll be “found out” and it may also manifest as negative self-talk. Symptoms of anxiety and depression often accompany imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is not a diagnosable mental illness. Instead, the term is usually narrowly applied to intelligence and achievement, although it also has links to perfectionism and the social context. It can show up in the context of work, relationships, friendships, or just overall, that holds us back from the self-confidence we’ve earned and deserve to feel. Psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance first used this term in the 1970s.

The irony is, that people with imposter syndrome are often highly accomplished, impressive individuals. On the outside, there is no apparent reason for them to feel like an imposter, and yet they still do. This is what makes it such a challenging psychological phenomenon that needs to be unpacked.

“Not only can imposter syndrome affect your internal feelings about your work or self-worth, but it can also actually affect the way you approach projects, relationships, or any other areas in which you are feeling insecure,” explains Hannah Owens, LMSW. “This essentially creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is what makes it so insidious and necessary to address when it arises.”

Not only can imposter syndrome affect your internal feelings about your work or self-worth, but it can also actually affect the way you approach projects, relationships, or any other areas in which you are feeling insecure.

Press Play for Advice On Combatting Imposter Syndrome

Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares a science-backed way to beat imposter syndrome. Click below to listen now.

Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts

The 5 Types of Imposter Syndrome

Based on research by Dr. Valerie Young, an expert on impostor syndrome and co-founder of the Impostor Syndrome Institute, imposter syndrome can be broken down into five basic types:

The Five Types of Impostor Syndrome

According to researcher Dr. Valerie Young, there are five impostor types:

  1. The Perfectionist. This type of imposter syndrome involves believing that, unless you were absolutely perfect, you could have done better. You feel like an imposter because your perfectionistic traits make you believe that you’re not as good as others might think you are.
  2. The Expert. The expert feels like an imposter because they don’t know everything there is to know about a particular subject or topic, or they haven’t mastered every step in a process. Because there is more for them to learn, they don’t feel as if they’ve reached the rank of “expert.”
  3. The Natural Genius. In this imposter syndrome type, you may feel like a fraud simply because you don’t believe that you are naturally intelligent or competent. If you don’t get something right the first time around or it takes you longer to master a skill, you feel like an imposter.
  4. The Soloist. It’s also possible to feel like an imposter if you had to ask for help to reach a certain level or status. Since you couldn’t get there on your own, you question your competence or abilities.
  5. The Superperson. This type of imposter syndrome involves believing that you must be the hardest worker or reach the highest levels of achievement possible and, if you don’t, you are a fraud.

How Do I Know If I Have Imposter Syndrome?

Originally, the concept of imposter syndrome was thought to apply mostly to high-achieving women. Since then, it has been recognized as a more widely experienced phenomenon. Imposter syndrome can affect anyone—no matter their social status, work background, skill level, or degree of expertise.

While impostor syndrome is not a recognized mental health disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), it is fairly common. It is estimated that 70% of people will experience at least one episode of this phenomenon at some point in their lives.

If you wonder whether you might have imposter syndrome, ask yourself the following questions:

  • Do you agonize over even the smallest mistakes or flaws in your work?
  • Do you attribute your success to luck or outside factors?
  • Are you sensitive to even constructive criticism?
  • Do you feel like you will inevitably be found out as a phony?
  • Do you downplay your own expertise, even in areas where you are genuinely more skilled than others?

If you often find yourself feeling like you are a fraud or an imposter, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist. The negative thinking, self-doubt, and self-sabotage that often characterize imposter syndrome can affect many areas of your life.

What Does Imposter Syndrome Feel Like?

Some common characteristics of imposter syndrome include:

  • An inability to realistically assess your competence and skills
  • Attributing your success to external factors
  • Berating your performance
  • Fear that you won’t live up to expectations
  • Overachieving 
  • Sabotaging your own success
  • Self-doubt
  • Setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short

Impact of Imposter Syndrome

For some people, impostor syndrome can fuel motivation to achieve, but this usually comes at the cost of experiencing constant anxiety. You might over-prepare or work much harder than necessary, for instance, to “make sure” nobody finds out you are a fraud. Eventually, anxiety worsens and may lead to depression.

This sets up a vicious cycle, in which you think that the only reason you survived that class presentation was that you stayed up all night rehearsing. Or you think the only reason you got through that party or family gathering was that you memorized details about all the guests so you would always have ideas for small talk.

The problem with impostor syndrome is that the experience of doing well at something does nothing to change your beliefs. The thought still nags in your head, “What gives me the right to be here?” The more you accomplish, the more you just feel like a fraud. It’s as though you can’t internalize your experiences of success.

This makes sense in terms of social anxiety if you received early feedback that you were not good in social or performance situations. Your core beliefs about yourself are so strong that they don’t change, even when there is evidence to the contrary. The thought process is that if you do well, it must be the result of luck.

People who experience impostor syndrome tend not to talk about how they are feeling with anyone and struggle in silence, just like those with social anxiety disorder.

“Because imposter syndrome eats at you from the inside out, often with no outward signs of struggle, this makes it all the more important to recognize what’s going on and take steps to address these feelings,” advises Owens. “Otherwise, your feeling of incompetence may prevent you from, say, pursuing a professional goal that might actually be right for you, which could lead to more regret and negative self-talk.”

Some Real Life Examples

To better understand what imposter syndrome is, it might be helpful to see what it looks like in everyday life. Here are a few examples of what it’s like to experience imposter syndrome:

  • You’ve been working in a certain role for a couple of months, yet when people call you by your formal title, you feel like a fraud because you haven’t mastered that position.
  • You’ve started your own business; however, you don’t like to promote yourself because you don’t have the same level of experience or expertise as others in your field, making you feel like a fraud.
  • You’ve been nominated for an award, but you feel like an imposter at the recognition ceremony because you don’t feel that your achievements are good enough to warrant the nomination.

What Causes It?

In the earliest studies, researchers found that imposter syndrome was connected to factors including early family dynamics and gender stereotypes. Subsequent research has shown, however, that the phenomenon occurs in people of all backgrounds, ages, and genders.

Family Upbringing

Research suggests that upbringing and family dynamics can play an important role in imposter syndrome. Specifically, parenting styles characterized by being controlling or overprotective may contribute to the development of imposter syndrome in children.

For example, you might have come from a family that highly valued achievement. Or you may have had parents who flipped back and forth between offering praise and being critical.

Studies also suggest that people who come from families that experienced high levels of conflict with low amounts of support may be more likely to experience imposter syndrome.

New Work or School Opportunities

We also know that entering a new role can trigger impostor syndrome. For example, starting college might leave you feeling as though you don’t belong and are not capable. You may also experience the same feelings when starting a new position at work.

Imposter syndrome appears to be more common when people are going through transitions and trying new things. The pressure to achieve and succeed, combined with a lack of experience, can trigger feelings of inadequacy in these new roles and settings.

Personality

Certain personality traits have also been linked to a higher risk of experiencing imposter syndrome. Some traits or characteristics that might play a role include:

  • Low self-efficacy: Self-efficacy refers to your belief in your ability to succeed in any given situation.
  • Perfectionism: Perfectionism plays a significant role in impostor syndrome. You might think that there is some perfect “script” for conversations and that you cannot say the wrong thing. You may also have trouble asking for help from others and procrastinate due to your own high standards.
  • Neuroticism: Neuroticism is one of the big five personality dimensions that is linked to higher levels of anxiety, insecurity, tension, and guilt. 

Social Anxiety

Impostor syndrome and social anxiety may overlap. A person with social anxiety disorder may feel as though they don’t belong in social or performance situations, for instance.

You might be in a conversation with someone and feel as though they are going to discover your social incompetence. Or you may be delivering a presentation and feel as though you just need to get through it before anyone realizes you really don’t belong there.

While the symptoms of social anxiety can fuel imposter syndrome, this does not mean that everyone who experiences imposter syndrome has social anxiety or vice versa. People without social anxiety can also feel a lack of confidence and competence. Imposter syndrome often causes normally non-anxious people to experience a sense of anxiety when they are in situations where they feel inadequate.

Imposter Syndrome vs. Discrimination

Feeling like an outsider isn’t necessarily a result of imposter syndrome. In some cases, it can occur due to actual discrimination or exclusion due to systemic bias. With imposter syndrome, the feeling of being an outsider is caused by internal beliefs. With discrimination, the feeling is caused by the actions of others.

Coping With Imposter Syndrome

To get past impostor syndrome, it helps to start asking yourself some hard questions. Here are a few to consider:

  • What core beliefs do I hold about myself?
  • Do I believe I am worthy of love as I am?
  • Must I be perfect for others to approve of me?

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

To move past these feelings, you need to become comfortable confronting some of the deeply ingrained beliefs you hold about yourself. This exercise can be hard because you might not even realize that you hold them, but here are some techniques you can use:

  • Share your feelings. Talk to other people about how you are feeling. Irrational beliefs tend to fester when they are hidden and not talked about.
  • Focus on others. While this might feel counterintuitive, try to help others in the same situation as you. If you see someone who seems awkward or alone, ask them a question to bring them into the group. As you practice your skills, you will build confidence in your own abilities.
  • Assess your abilities. If you have long-held beliefs about your incompetence in social and performance situations, make a realistic assessment of your abilities. Write down your accomplishments and what you are good at, then compare these with your self-assessment.
  • Take baby steps. Don’t focus on doing things perfectly, but rather, do things reasonably well and reward yourself for taking action. For example, in a group conversation, offer an opinion or share a story about yourself.
  • Question your thoughts. As you start to assess your abilities and take baby steps, question whether your thoughts are rational. Does it make sense to believe that you are a fraud given everything that you know?
  • Stop comparing. Every time you compare yourself to others in a social situation, you will find some fault with yourself that fuels the feeling of not being good enough or not belonging. Instead, during conversations, focus on listening to what the other person is saying. Be genuinely interested in learning more.
  • Use social media moderately. We know that the overuse of social media may be related to feelings of inferiority. If you try to portray an image on social media that doesn’t match who you really are or that is impossible to achieve, it will only make your feelings of being a fraud worse.
  • Stop fighting your feelings. Don’t fight the feelings of not belonging. Instead, try to lean into them and accept them. It’s only when you acknowledge these feelings that you can start to unravel the core beliefs that are holding you back.
  • Refuse to let it hold you back. No matter how much you feel like you are a fraud or that you don’t belong, don’t let that stop you from pursuing your goals. Keep going and refuse to be stopped.

“Naming the fear can knock the wind out of it,” says Owens. “Because these are internal beliefs that don’t have anything to do with actual performance or abilities, most people would be surprised to learn who among them is dealing with imposter syndrome. Receiving good feedback from your peers or talking to a mental health professional about your feelings can be important and effective ways to put things in perspective.”

Remember that if you are feeling like an impostor, it means you have some degree of success in your life that you are attributing to luck. Try instead to turn that feeling into one of gratitude. Look at what you have accomplished in your life and be grateful for your achievements.

Don’t be held back by your fear of being found out. Instead, lean into that feeling and get to its roots. Let your guard down and allow others to see the real you. If you’ve done all these things and still feel like an impostor, which is holding you back, a mental health professional can help you learn how to overcome these feelings.


Source link

What It Means to Be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)


Key Takeaways

  • A highly sensitive person feels things more deeply and may need to create a calming home environment.
  • Highly sensitive people should learn to say no to overwhelming demands and find ways to protect their energy.

A highly sensitive person (HSP) is a neurodivergent individual who is thought to have an increased or deeper central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. Some refer to this as having sensory processing sensitivity, or SPS for short.

We’re all sensitive about certain things—that is human nature—but an HSP is understood to be a different level of sensitivity. While highly sensitive people are sometimes negatively described as being “too sensitive,” it is a personality trait that brings both strengths and challenges.

The term highly sensitive person was first coined by psychologists Elaine Aron and Arthur Aron in the mid-1990s. Elaine Aron published her book, “The Highly Sensitive Person,” in 1996, and interest in the concept has continued to grow since then.

How Do You Know If You’re an HSP?

Have you ever been told that you’re “too sensitive” or that you “shouldn’t think so much,” particularly by people who strike you as too insensitive or who you believe should think a little more? You may be a highly sensitive person, or HSP.

“HSP isn’t a clinical diagnosis in the DSM, but many people identify with the descriptor,” says Amy Marschall, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and educator with training in neurodivergence.

“Empathy is a spectrum, like many qualities, and can cause difficulty if too high or too low,” she says. “While neither is automatically bad, high empathy can be exhausting. But with appropriate support and coping skills, you can manage your empathy levels and care for yourself appropriately.”

Being an HSP does not mean that you have a mental illness. High sensitivity is a personality trait that involves increased responsiveness to both positive and negative influences.

High sensitivity applies across a few different categories. There are several traits or characteristics common to HSPs, according to the researchers who identified this personality trait:

  • Avoiding violent movies or TV shows because they feel too intense and leave you feeling unsettled
  • Being deeply moved by beauty, either expressed in art, nature, or the human spirit, or sometimes even a good commercial
  • Being overwhelmed by sensory stimuli like noisy crowds, bright lights, or uncomfortable clothing
  • Feeling a need for downtime (not just a preference), especially when you have hectic days; needing to retreat to a dark, quiet room
  • Having a rich and complex inner life, complete with deep thoughts and strong feelings that go with them

The Arons also developed a highly sensitive person test, or a personality questionnaire to help people identify themselves as HSPs. It is known as Aron’s Highly Sensitive Persons Scale (HSPS).

Sometimes, people assume HSPs are being “dramatic” or “attention-seeking” (I hate both terms). You aren’t defined by other people’s perception of you, and your experience is valid!

How Common Are HSPs?

Highly sensitive people are thought to make up roughly 20% of the general population.

It is less common to be a highly sensitive person, and society tends to be built around people who notice a little less and are affected a little less deeply.

Highly sensitive people may benefit from finding ways to cope with the stresses they often face. This is true for those who recognize themselves as highly sensitive as well as those who have a loved one who is more sensitive than the average person.

What Causes High Sensitivity?

What makes a person highly sensitive likely depends on a variety of factors such as evolution, environment, genetics, and early childhood experiences.

High sensitivity exists in at least 100 other species aside from humans. Research suggests that high sensitivity is an evolutionary trait that increases the likelihood of survival because HSPs are on the lookout for potential predators or dangerous situations. Of course, constantly being on guard when there aren’t any immediate threats often results in anxiety.

Research also shows that a lack of parental warmth growing up may cause a child to develop high sensitivity and carry this trait into adulthood. The same goes for negative early childhood experiences. If you experienced trauma as a child, you may be more likely to become an HSP as an adult.

Genetics may contribute to high sensitivity. Specifically, the dopamine system may play a role. It affects personality and may make some people more prone than others to becoming highly sensitive. High sensitivity is also hereditary.

There is a higher chance that you will be highly sensitive if high sensitivity runs in your family.

In addition, your genes may evolve in response to negative early experiences, making you more susceptible to becoming an HSP.

Similar Conditions and Traits

People often confuse high sensitivity with other personality traits or mental health conditions:

  • Introversion: Both highly sensitive people and introverts can become overwhelmed when faced with too many stimuli. But introverts are overwhelmed specifically by social stimuli, like large crowds or parties. HSPs can become overwhelmed by social stimuli too; however, HSPs are sensitive to all different types of sensory stimuli, such as bright lights and loud music.
  • Sensory processing disorder (SPD): It’s true that someone with SPD and someone who is highly sensitive can be averse to sensory input. The difference is that SPD can cause decreased motor function, which is not a characteristic of HSPs. In addition, SPD can cause under-responsiveness to sensory stimuli, whereas it’s characteristic of HSPs to over-respond.
  • Autism: High sensitivity is not a form of autism. Again, while HSPs are overwhelmed by sensory information, individuals with autism may experience either hypersensitivity or hyposensitivity (under-responsiveness) to sensory information.
  • Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD): HSPs may also be mistaken as having attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). While both HSPs and people with ADHD exhibit over-responsiveness to stimuli, people with ADHD also exhibit cognitive symptoms that HSPs do not such as difficulty focusing or paying attention.

While high sensitivity is often confused with other mental health conditions, it’s important to remember that high sensitivity can occur alongside other mental health conditions. For instance, a person can have ADHD and be an HSP, or have SPD and also be an HSP. A doctor can help you navigate these distinctions.

Impact of Being an HSP

Being an HSP comes with both advantages and challenges. It is possible to be too easily offended by people who mean no harm or who are trying their best to be kind. It is also possible to overreact to daily stressors or relationship issues, particularly if you become emotionally aggressive as a response.

However, being an HSP doesn’t necessarily mean that you imagine negative motives when they are not there. It is more that you perceive them more easily. Or, you may be affected more deeply by negative experiences, which is not necessarily a weakness.

Some of the ways that being an HSP might impact your life include:

  • You might avoid situations that leave you feeling overwhelmed. Highly sensitive people may be more affected by certain situations such as tension, violence, and conflict, which may lead them to avoid things that make them feel uncomfortable.
  • You might be highly touched by beauty or emotionality. Highly sensitive people tend to feel deeply moved by the beauty they see around them. They may cry while watching particularly heartwarming videos (of course, who doesn’t cry at videos of dogs being reunited with their owners returning from overseas service?).
  • You may have particularly close relationships with others. HSPs care deeply about their friends and tend to form deep bonds with people. Again, the empathy that a highly sensitive person brings to the table is a powerful tool for being a supportive friend and loved one.
  • You may be grateful for the life you have. Highly sensitive people appreciate a fine wine, a good meal, or a beautiful song on a level that most people can’t access. They may feel more existential angst, but they also may feel more gratitude for what they have in life, knowing that it is possibly fleeting and nothing is certain.

A major benefit of being an HSP is the ability to empathize. Empathy is a tool that can promote strong relationships and a deeply fulfilling emotional life. Of course, it’s important to differentiate between your feelings and others’ feelings.

All of us experience examples from the above list from time to time. For HSPs, however, lows may be lower, and highs have the potential to be higher as well. HSPs may feel a lot of the same things as everyone else—only more so.

If you know how to manage the unique features of being an HSP, you can make it more of a strength and less of a challenge in your life. To do this, it helps to understand what you’re dealing with, whether you are doing this for yourself or trying to build a deeper understanding of someone in your life who may be highly sensitive.

The Downsides of High Sensitivity

Not surprisingly, highly sensitive people tend to get more stressed when faced with difficult situations. They may also be stressed by things that may roll off of other people’s backs.

Social stress is perceived as more taxing to most people than other types of stress. This kind of stress can be particularly difficult for someone who can perceive many different ways that things could go wrong in a conflict, for example, or can perceive hostility or tension where others may not notice it. Specific things that can be significantly stressful for the highly sensitive include:

Hectic Schedules

Not everyone loves being too busy, but some people thrive on the excitement and exhilaration of a busy life. HPSs, on the other hand, feel overwhelmed and rattled when they have a lot to do in a short amount of time, even if they technically have enough time to get everything done if they rush.

The need to juggle the uncertainty of maybe not being able to make it all work and the pressure of such situations feels overwhelmingly stressful.

Expectations of Others

Highly sensitive people tend to pick up on the needs and feelings of others. They hate letting people down. Learning to say no is a challenge and a necessity for HSPs because they can feel crushed by the demands of others, particularly because they can feel their friends’ disappointment if HSPs need to say no.

Highly sensitive people tend to be their own worst critics. They feel responsible for the happiness of others, or at least acutely aware of it when there are negative emotions floating around.

Conflicts

HSPs may be more susceptible to being stressed by conflict. They may be more aware of trouble brewing in a relationship, including when things just feel a little off with someone who may not be communicating that there is a problem. This can also lead to misinterpreting unrelated signals as signs of conflict or anger.

Social Comparison

Highly sensitive people can be prone to the stress of social comparison as well. They may feel the negative feelings of the other person as well as their own feelings, and they may experience them more strongly and more deeply than others.

They may be more aware of the possibility of improvement and upset when potentially good outcomes give way to more negative outcomes through the course of a deteriorating conflict.

They may also be more upset when they realize that a relationship is over, feeling that things could have been resolved, whereas someone else may feel there is nothing that could be done and walks away.

The highly sensitive may feel the loss of a relationship more acutely as well and engage in rumination.

Tolerations

Life coaches refer to those daily energy drains that we all have as ​tolerations, as in things we tolerate that create stress and aren’t strictly necessary. Distractions may feel more frustrating for the HSP who is trying to concentrate, for example, or unpleasant smells in one’s environment may be felt more strongly and make relaxation more elusive for an HSP.

Highly sensitive people are more easily startled by surprises. They get “hangry” when hungry—they don’t tolerate it well. In this way, life’s daily stressors often add up to more frustration for the highly sensitive.

Personal Failures

Because HSPs are their own worst critics, they are more prone to rumination and self-doubt. They may remember for quite a while if they make an embarrassing mistake, and feel more embarrassed about it than the average person would.

They don’t like being watched and evaluated when they are attempting something challenging, and can even mess up because of the stress of being watched. They are more often perfectionists, but may also be more aware of the ways that this stress is not inevitable and of how it is affecting them.

Coping With Stress as an HSP

Finding ways to cope with life’s stress can be particularly helpful if you tend to have a more sensitive personality. Much of your stress relief plan as a highly sensitive person can involve insulating yourself from too many stimuli. Put a barrier between you and sensory stimuli that feel overwhelming. Know what triggers stress in you, and learn to avoid these things.

  • Add positivity by creating positive experiences in your schedule to insulate you from additional stress you may encounter.
  • Avoid stressors like slasher movies and people who sap your positive energy, make heavy demands on you, or make you feel bad about yourself.
  • Learn to say no to overwhelming demands and feel OK with it, and create a perimeter in your life.
  • Set up a safe space. Let your home be a soothing environment.

Dr. Marschall says it’s critical to protect your energy and take space when needed, and to connect with people who get you and support your needs.

Remember that your needs are important too! Many HSPs tend to push down their own emotions because other people’s emotions overwhelm them. Your feelings matter too.

Being a highly sensitive person means you are more likely to feel things deeply, whether those things are positive or negative. While the highs can be joyous, the lows can present challenges that can affect your stress levels, relationships, and ability to cope. Make a plan for how you will manage your feelings in difficult situations to ensure that you don’t become overwhelmed.


Source link

What Is the Mandela Effect? 20 Examples & Explanations


Key Takeaways

  • The Mandela Effect is when people remember the same event differently than how it actually happened.
  • False memories, influenced by outside information, can change how we remember events.
  • The internet plays a role in spreading misinformation that can contribute to collective misremembering.

You know that creepy phenomenon where some people remember historic events differently than others? Like when people thought the classic kid’s book was called the “Berenstein Bears” instead of its actual title, the “Berenstain Bears.” Yep, this weird event is called the Mandela Effect.

Basically, the Mandela effect refers to a situation in which a large mass of people believe an event occurred when it did not. The term originated in 2009 by Fiona Broome, after she discovered that she, along with a number of others, believed that Nelson Mandela had died in the 1980s (when he actually died in 2013).

Where does the Mandela effect come from—and why do these strange perceptions of history keep happening? We have the answers to all your questions, plus famous examples of the Mandela effect, down below.

Origins of the Mandela Effect

The term “Mandela Effect” was first coined in 2009 by Fiona Broome when she created a website to detail her observance of the phenomenon. Broome was at a conference talking with other people about how she remembered the tragedy of former South African president Nelson Mandela’s death in a South African prison in the 1980s.

However, Nelson Mandela did not die in the 1980s in a prison—he passed away in 2013. As Broome began to talk to other people about her memories, she learned that she was not alone. Others remembered seeing news coverage of his death as well as a speech by his widow.

Broome was shocked that such a large mass of people could remember the same identical event in such detail when it never happened. Encouraged by her book publisher, she began her website to discuss what she called the Mandela Effect and other incidents like it.

Click Play to Learn More About the Mandela Effect

Notable Examples of the Mandela Effect

The story of Nelson Mandela is not the only example of this type of false group memory. As the concept of the Mandela Effect grew along with Broome’s website, other group false memories began to emerge.

Henry VIII Eating a Turkey Leg

Henry VIII, sans turkey leg.

Wikimedia Commons


People had a memory that the above portrait of Henry VIII featured him eating or holding a turkey leg, though no such painting has ever existed. There have, however, been similar cartoons created. This may be related to the common knowledge of Henry VIII as a large man.

Luke, I Am Your Father

jpgfactory/Getty Images


If you saw Star Wars: Episode V—The Empire Strikes Back, you probably remember Darth Vader uttering the famous line, “Luke, I am your father” in the pivotal scene near the end of the film.

You might be surprised to learn, then, that the line was actually, “No, I am your father.” Most people have memories of the line being the former rather than the latter, and it is commonly quoted incorrectly.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

If you watched Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, you probably remember the line, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” As you can see from the above subtitled screenshot, the line actually began with the phrase “Magic mirror on the wall” instead. It probably doesn’t help matters that Julia Roberts and Lily Collins starred in a 2012 live-action film based on Snow White called “Mirror Mirror”!

Oscar Meyer or Oscar Mayer?

Walter Bibikow/The Image Bank/Getty Images


There is some controversy over the spelling of the famous brand of hot dogs, Oscar Mayer weiners. Some people claim to remember the brand being spelled “Meyer” instead of “Mayer,” which is the correct spelling.

To be fair, the brand pronunciation is a closer match for the “Meyer” spelling, while “Mayer” is often pronounced differently, as in the musician John Mayer’s name.

Location of New Zealand

Google Maps


Where is New Zealand in relation to Australia? If you look at a map, you will see that it is southeast of the country. However, there is a community of people who claim to remember New Zealand being northeast instead of southeast.

Berenstein Bears

The famous children’s book series the “Berenstain Bears” created by Stan and Jan Berenstain is not immune to the Mandela effect. Many people report remembering the name being the Berenstein Bears (spelled with an “e” instead of an “a”).

This is similar to the Oscar Mayer issue and hints at perhaps an underlying cognitive reason for the Mandela Effect instead of parallel realities, as some people believe.

Shazaam, Starring Sinbad?

Adam Bettcher/Getty Images Entertainment


One of the most well-known examples of the Mandela Effect is the collective memory of a movie called “Shazaam” that starred the actor/comedian Sinbad in the 1990s.

In fact, no such movie exists, although there was a children’s movie called Kazaam starring Shaquille O’Neal, and some other coincidences that could help to explain how this movie became created (or remembered) in many people’s minds. Even more confusing, there is now a movie series based on the DC Comics superhero Shazam—though it does not star Sinbad.

Pikachu’s Black-Tipped Tail

nicescene/iStock/Getty Images Plus


Many people report remembering Pikachu, a Pokémon character, as having a black-tipped tail. In reality, the character has always had a solid yellow tail. The confusion or false memory may stem from the fact that Pikachu, as you can see, does have black-tipped ears.

Mickey Mouse’s Suspenders

Brandon Bell/Getty Images


Mickey Mouse might be the most famous cartoon character in the world, but even Disney’s famous mouse is often misremembered in the minds of fans. People often report the character wearing suspenders when he does not. The original Mickey is wearing shorts, but is completely unclothed on the top half of his body—how scandalous.

Sally Field’s Famous Oscar Speech

ABC Photo Archives/Getty Images


When Sally Field won an Oscar in 1985, her acceptance speech included the oft-repeated, oft-parodied line “You like me, you really like me!” Except, what she actually said was “I can’t deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me.”

Children of the ’90s probably owe their false memory to Jim Carrey’s parody of the line in his film The Mask, when his character utters the line “You love me, you really love me” in clear homage to Field’s speech.

No, Really, It’s Not Looney Toons

Warner Bros. Entertainment


Yes, the Looney Tunes are in fact cartoons, not cartunes. And yes, you may remember watching the next generation of characters on a TV show called Tiny Toon Adventures. Nonetheless, the original show was Looney Tunes, not Looney Toons, as a companion to Merrie Melodies.

Jiffy Peanut Butter

NoDerog/Getty Images


There is Jiffy Lube, there’s Jiffy Pop popcorn, there’s Skippy peanut butter, and you may be able to whip up a PB&J in a jiffy, but no, there is no such thing as Jiffy Peanut Butter. It is and has always been Jif, though many people would swear to the contrary.

Curious George’s Tail

This one is, well, curious. The assumption is that Curious George is a monkey, and most monkeys are understood to have tails. Many remember Curious George having a tail, but alas, everyone’s favorite curious primate is in fact tailless. We hope this hasn’t caused George any kind of existential crisis.

What the Heck Is a Froot Loop?

Bloomberg/Getty Images


You can thank Kellogg’s for this entry in the weird spelling section of the Mandela effect catalog. While the very well-known cereal is supposedly fruit-flavored, they decided to lean into the loops and double up on the double O’s, opting for Froot Loops instead of Fruit Loops, much to our surprise.

Fruit of the Loom’s Logo

You may not be able to identify every piece of fruit in the logo for the clothing brand Fruit of the Loom, but everybody at least knows that there is a cornucopia behind all the fruit, right? Wrong! Just ask the company itself—there is no cornucopia, even if we all remember it.

C-3PO’s Leg Is What?

Lucasfilm


That’s right, C-3PO, the famed Star Wars droid, has a silver right leg, but we won’t blame you for getting this one wrong. Given the lower resolution of older films, the character often being shot from the waist up, and the fact that the original line of toys featured an all-gold C-3PO, it’s no surprise how surprising it is to discover he had a silver leg all along.

“Play It Again, Sam”…Or Not

Warner Bros. Entertainment


“Casablanca” is one of the most famous films of all-time. And while, many decades later, more and more people have not seen it, what is nonetheless known is the famous line “Play it again, Sam.” Unfortunately, if you are familiar with that line, you may be confused to learn that it was never actually said in that exact way in the film. Ingrid Bergman’s character does, however, say “Play it once, Sam.” Adding to the confusion may be that Woody Allen made a film in 1972 called “Play It Again, Sam” about a film critic obsessed with “Casablanca”.

It’s a Beautiful Day…Where?

PBS Kids


Hollywood contributed to the Mandela effect when the 2019 Mister Rogers biopic was named “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” a reference to the opening line of the famous song that opened every episode of Fred Rogers’ show—”It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.” In reality, however, the song opens with the line “It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood.”

Mr. Monopoly’s Monocle

Hasbro


Rich Uncle Pennybags aka Mr. Monopoly sure seems like the type to wear a monocle. But in reality, the leading man of the board game everyone has played but nobody has ever finished can see just fine without a monocle. The leading theories are that we mistake him for the monocled Mr. Peanut. Oddly, there is yet another Jim Carrey connection as well—a scene in Ace Ventura 2 features the pet detective encountering a monocled man he refers to as “The Monopoly Guy.”

Explanations for the Mandela Effect

So why would this effect even happen? Let’s explore.

False Memories

A more likely explanation for the Mandela effect involves false memories. Before we consider what is meant by false memories, let’s look at an example of the Mandela effect as it will help us to understand how memory can be faulty (and may lead to the phenomenon that we are describing).

Who was Alexander Hamilton? Most Americans learned in school that he was a founding father of the United States of America but that he was not a president. However, when asked about the presidents of the United States, many people mistakenly believe that Hamilton was a president. Why?

If we consider a simple neuroscience explanation, the memory for Alexander Hamilton is encoded in an area of the brain where the memories for the presidents of the United States are stored. The means by which memory traces are stored is called the engram and the framework in which similar memories are associated with each other is called the schema.

So when people try to recall Hamilton, this sets off the neurons in close connection to each other, bringing with it the memory of the presidents. (Though this is an oversimplified explanation, it illustrates the general process.)

When memories are recalled, rather than remembered perfectly, they are influenced to the point that they can eventually become incorrect. In this way, memory is unreliable and not infallible.

Confabulation

Confabulation involves your brain filling in gaps that are missing in your memories to make more sense of them. This isn’t lying, but rather remembering details that never happened. Confabulation tends to increase with age.

Misleading Post-Event Information

Information that you learn after an event can change your memory of an event. This includes event subtle information and helps to explain why eyewitness testimony can be unreliable.

Priming

Priming describes the factors leading up to an event that affects our perception of it. Also called suggestibility and presupposition, priming is the difference between asking how short a person is, versus how tall a person is. Saying, “Did you see the black car?” instead of “…a black car?” makes a subtle suggestion that influences response and memory.

In essence, memories are vulnerable bits of information stored in the brain that can be changed over time. While we assume that our memories are accurate, this is not necessarily the case.

Alternate Realities

One theory for the basis for the Mandela effect originates from quantum physics and relates to the idea that rather than one timeline of events, alternate realities or universes may be taking place and mixing with our timeline. In theory, this would result in groups of people having the same memories because the timeline has been altered as we shift between these different realities.

You aren’t alone if you think this sounds unrealistic. Unfortunately, the idea of alternate realities is unfalsifiable, meaning there is no way to disprove that these other universes don’t exist truly.

This is why such a far-fetched theory continues to gain traction among the Mandela effect communities. You can’t prove it’s not real, so you can’t discount the possibility of it. For many people, the excitement of a bit of mystery in everyday life also likely comes into play.

Recap

While the notion of alternate realities might appeal due to its air of mystery, many examples of the Mandela effect are likely due to some type of collective misremembering. Incorrectly recalling information is, in fact, quite common. One study found that 76% of people made some type of mistake when asked to recall information.

The Internet’s Impact

The role of the internet in influencing the memories of the masses should not be underestimated. It’s probably no coincidence that consideration of the Mandela effect has grown in this digital age.

The internet is a powerful way to spread information, and with this spreading of information comes the potential for misconceptions and falsehoods to gain traction. People then begin to create communities based around these falsehoods and what was once in the imagination starts to seem factual.

In fact, in a large study of over 100,000 news stories discussed across Twitter, conducted over a period of 10 years, showed that hoaxes and rumors won out over the truth every time by about 70%. This wasn’t the result of manipulation or bots either—real verified accounts of real people were responsible for spreading false information at a much higher rate than the truth.

This notion of the speed with which false information spreads on the internet could help to explain the Mandela effect.

As each person chimes in with their own experience or memory of an event, those false memories could affect the memories of other people, thus coloring them to remember the events in the same way.

For example, Sinbad did star in other movies in the 1990s and appeared in a movie poster for the film “Houseguest” coming out of a mailbox (this looked similar to a genie, which could explain the association with the movie “Shazaam”). Sinbad also dressed up like a genie for an event that he hosted in the 1990s.

When one person mentioned this movie “Shazaam” (likely on the internet), it altered the memories of other people who tried to recall the movies that Sinbad made from the 1990s. Online communities spread this information until it appeared to be factual.

This explanation is supported by evidence that remembering something repeatedly builds your confidence in the memory even if it grows more inaccurate over time. As more and more people provided incorrect details, these become incorporated into other people’s memories as facts and strengthened their conviction that they were correct.

The Mandela effect continues to be hotly debated, despite reasonable evidence that it is more likely explained in terms of the fallibility of human memory than some form of parallel universes at work.

Of course, we don’t know everything. As more incidents of the Mandela effect continue to occur, perhaps more research into the origins will shed light on the causes.


Source link

11 Signs of Cheating


Key Takeaways

  • Cheating signs can include changes in communication, increased interest in appearance, and more time spent away from home.
  • Lying and avoidant behavior might indicate a partner is cheating.
  • Indifference and changes in your sex life could be signs that something is wrong in your relationship.

Infidelity can be traumatic and is one of the more challenging problems faced in a relationship. While many people are blindsided if and when they find out about a spouse or partner cheating, others may suspect infidelity because of actions that are out of the norm.

Eleven common signs of cheating include:

  • Changes in communication
  • Increased interest in appearance
  • More time spent away from home
  • Attitude changes
  • Lying
  • Avoidance
  • They accuse you of cheating
  • Indifference
  • Changes in your sex life
  • Money issues
  • Change in technology use

As you can see, some of these signs actually are at odds with one another. This range of possibilities, which is certainly not all-inclusive of everything, shows just how different signs can be from one person to the next.

And realize that while there are certain behavioral changes, curious actions, and odd occurrences that, together, may back up your unfortunate hunch, none of the following are guaranteed signs that your partner is cheating.

Changes in Communication

A breakdown in communication is never a positive sign. If you can’t get your spouse to communicate (or even fight) with you, they no longer share their day with you, or the words “I love you” are no longer spoken, there’s likely an underlying issue.

The following signs of stonewalling, which involves refusing to listen to, respond to, or accept what you’re saying, may also signal infidelity:

  • Ignores what you say
  • Changes the subject to avoid an uncomfortable topic
  • Storms off without a word
  • Comes up with reasons why they can’t talk
  • Refuses to answer questions
  • Makes accusations rather than talking about the current problem
  • Uses dismissive body language such as rolling or closing their eyes
  • Acts in a passive-aggressive manner (stalling or procrastinating to avoid talking)

In one piece of research, subjects more accurately determined who was cheating in a relationship based on their lower voice pitch. Thus, researchers concluded that “the human voice can be of value as a cheater detection tool.”

Increased Interest in Appearance

Certainly, taking care of yourself can be positive, but when combined with other suspicious behaviors, this may also be cause for concern. If your spouse or partner has an increased interest in their appearance, this could be a sign of cheating.

Other appearance-related signs of cheating include:

  • Dressing nicer than normal
  • Wearing a different style of clothing
  • Wearing clothing you’ve never seen

More Time Spent Away From Home

There are times when other areas of our life take up more of our day. This equates to less time at home. However, if time spent elsewhere continues to rise or remains elevated for long periods, this may be one of the first signs of cheating or that your partner is spending time with someone else.

Here are a few things to watch for:

  • Your spouse picks up a new hobby that requires a few hours of commitment per day.
  • When you ask about their time away, they’re vague about what they’re doing.
  • When you show interest in their new hobby, they brush you off.
  • Your mate is working longer and longer hours at work.

Attitude Changes

Your spouse may experience work stress or problems with other relationships that can lead to changes in attitude. The following might be signs of infidelity, but they could also signal other issues.

  • Your spouse exhibits signs of low self-esteem.
  • You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about him or herself.
  • Your spouse seems to want danger or thrills in their life.
  • Your spouse is more negative than before.
  • Your spouse becomes more critical of you.
  • Your spouse seems to be picking fights more often.
  • Your spouse gets very defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs.
  • When you ask for reassurance about cheating, you do not feel satisfied with the response.

Lying

Dishonesty in a marriage is a red flag. This dishonesty can involve lying about cheating itself, or your partner may lie about other things as well. Potential signs of cheating related to lying include:

  • You find your partner has been lying to you about a variety of things.
  • When you ask your partner questions about who they were with or what they were doing, their nervousness increases.
  • Your spouse’s friends seem anxious around you.
  • Your spouse seems more secretive.

Interestingly, studies have found that people who have cheated on their partners tend to be better at detecting lies and deception themselves.

Avoidance

If your partner is avoidant, this can be a sign of infidelity. Sometimes people who cheat avoid their spouses or partners so they don’t have to face uncomfortable questions about where they were or who they were with. Other times, they want to avoid the feelings of guilt they have for stepping out on the relationship.

These avoidance strategies may indicate that your spouse may be cheating:

  • You feel as if you are being avoided.
  • They don’t want to go places or do things with you anymore.
  • Your partner abandons religious faith.
  • Your spouse’s wandering eye seems out of control.

They Accuse You of Cheating

When someone feels guilty about something they’ve done, they might transfer those feelings of guilt onto the other person, accusing them of doing the same thing. In this case, your partner may accuse you of cheating—even though you’ve given them no reason to think this.

If your spouse is cheating, you may notice these signs:

  • You face constant cheating accusations from your spouse.
  • Every time you question them, they start to question you instead.
  • When they engage in questionable behavior, they insist that you are the one who is “being shady.”

If your spouse constantly accuses you of cheating, even when you’re not, this can also be a sign of emotional abuse.

Indifference

When your spouse shows apathy or lack of interest in things that they used to love, communicate with them to see if there is another reason for the change in engagement. But if you also suspect infidelity, these changes may be a further indication of an affair.

  • Your spouse seems bored with you, their job, your children, hobbies, or even life in general.
  • Your spouse has become lazy, especially around the house.
  • Your spouse doesn’t show any jealousy about you, no matter what you say.
  • Your spouse is indifferent to family events like birthdays and holidays.

Changes in Your Sex Life

It is not uncommon for there to be fluctuations in the frequency of sex in your marriage. But research has also connected showing too little or even too much interest in sexual activity as potentially leading to infidelity in romantic relationships.

These signs may indicate the possibility of an affair:

  • There is considerably less intimacy or connection in your relationship.
  • Your sex life is practically non-existent.
  • There are lots of new things introduced in sex that were never before.
  • You learn that you have a sexually transmitted infection and you have not strayed.

Money Issues

Almost all marriages undergo some kind of financial stress at one time or another. But you may want to investigate certain money issues when you notice them in your marriage. Signs of cheating to watch for include:

  • You notice charges on credit card statements that don’t make sense.
  • Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you.
  • Your spouse stops planning for large purchases (such as a trip, buying a house, starting a renovation, etc.)

A 2021 study found that financial problems are one of the main predictors of marital infidelity.

A Change in Technology Use

Infidelity is often revealed online. In fact, internet infidelity is a common phenomenon. Your partner’s cell phone may also reveal signs of cheating, such as in your spouse’s text or phone messages.

A change in technology use can also signal infidelity. These tech changes may warrant concern:

  • Your spouse is suddenly unreachable at certain times of the day.
  • Your spouse changed their password or won’t share it with you.
  • Your spouse is always texting or sneaking off to take phone calls.
  • You notice cloud sharing has suddenly been switched off on your devices.
  • Your spouse stops using shared devices altogether.
  • Your spouse reduces their use of social media.
  • Your partner clears the browser history on the home computer.
  • Your spouse’s fitness tracker shows exercise at odd times and hours.

How to Deal With a Lying Spouse

In most cases, even when you confront your partner with accusations of cheating, it will be denied. Unless you have hard evidence or irrefutable proof, many people will not admit to infidelity.

There are a few ways that you can tell if your spouse is lying. If you keep getting denial and push-back when trying to discuss your concerns with your partner, you may need to get professional help to sort through things. A couples’ counselor will be neutral and can help you gain insight into what exactly is going on in your marriage.

If your partner refuses to attend, consider individual counseling to help process the mixture of feelings like hurt, shock, fear, depression, shame, and mistrust you’re likely experiencing.

Caring for your own mental and physical health is essential during this stressful time. In addition to emotional distress, you may be experiencing physical reactions like sleep and eating disturbances (too little or too much), gastrointestinal problems (nausea or diarrhea), and trouble concentrating. To keep up your strength and resolve, try your best to drink plenty of water, exercise, stick to a regular sleep schedule, and eat a healthful diet.

Again, there is no definitive way to tell if your partner is cheating without asking directly or catching them in the act. What may be a warning sign in one relationship may be nothing to be concerned about in another relationship. In fact, most signs of infidelity are quite subtle. It is only when the lies and stories stop adding up that the cheating usually comes to light.

Don’t try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone. Before you make any decisions about whether or not to end your marriage, it’s wise to seek relationship therapy either together or alone. You can even try an online program that may be more convenient.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, Betterhelp, and Regain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Hughes SM, Harrison MA. Your cheatin’ voice will tell on you: Detection of past infidelity from voice. Evolution Psychol. 2017;15(2):1474704917711513. doi:10.1177/1474704917711513

  2. Ein-Dor T, Perry-Paldi A, Zohar-Cohen K, Efrati Y, Hirschenberger G. It takes an insecure liar to catch a liar: The link between attachment insecurity, deception, and detection of deception. Personal Individ Diff. 2017;113:81-87. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2017.03.015

  3. Spitzberg BH. Extramarital affairs. The International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication, First Edition. 2016. doi:10.1002/9781118540190.wbeic0145

  4. University of Rochester Medical Center. Recognizing emotional abuse.

  5. Kaur K. Infidelity: The double-edged sword. College of Social and Behavioral Sciences.

  6. Atapour N, Reza Falsafinejad M, Ahmadi K, Khodabakhsi-Koolaee A. A study of the processes and contextual factors of marital infidelity. Pract Clin Psychol. 2021;9(3):211-226. doi:10.32598/jpcp.9.3.758.2

  7. Sahni SP, Jain G. An overview: Internet fidelity. Internet Fidelity. 2018. doi:10.1007/978-981-10-5412-9_1

  8. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. About marriage and family therapists.

By Sheri Stritof

Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20+ years. She’s the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. 


Source link