Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

When your partner announces that they need space, it can set off alarm bells. But it doesn’t mean something is wrong or that they want to break up with you. Being a couple involves balancing together time and alone time. Taking time apart is healthy and can help your relationship thrive.

This article explores reasons your partner might want space, the dos and don’ts suggested for handling this situation, when their desire for space signals a problem, and managing opposite needs regarding closeness and space.

Reasons Your Partner Might Want Space

There are various reasons why your partner could be distancing.

It might very well have nothing to do with you. Let’s say your partner is spending more time with their childhood friends. You might feel you’re being pushed away. Maybe they’re having a problem with their sibling and they want their close friends’ perspective.

If you’ve dated for a short while and things have been heating up fast, your partner could be withdrawing because they’re overwhelmed. They might need a breather to get perspective about what they want. Maybe you’re ready to move in together and they’re not sure they are there yet. Or maybe they just need to get their equilibrium back.

A scientific study looked at the ways solitude impacted self-regulation. Researchers found that individuals benefit positively when they actively choose time alone and it’s used for regulation of emotions, self-reflection, relaxation, or creative pursuits. Evidence also showed people have reduced stress and increased relaxation during these alone periods. That could explain why during relationships, one person might crave space.

How to Handle Your Partner’s Need for Space

It’s normal to feel anxiety or dread after your significant other declares they want more space. And it’s unnerving if your partner hasn’t said anything, but is not around much as of late. Here are suggestions on healthy ways you should and should not handle the situation.

3 Things to Do

1. Ask yourself: Could there be a logical cause for their behavior? Is your significant other working on a huge project at work? Or have they in the past needed time away like this? Quietly reflect and then come up with alternate scenarios that might explain what’s behind their need for distance.
2. It’s okay to check in and ask them briefly and directly about the reduced amount of closeness. You might say something like, “I know we usually talk every evening after work, but lately you’re watching TV by yourself in the bedroom. Are things okay?” Whatever their answer, actively listen and don’t interrupt.
3. Soothe and ground yourself if you’re worried. You can connect to the present through deep breathing techniques or tightening and loosening your muscles from head to toe. Another way to self-soothe is to focus on your senses like smelling the garlic as you cook or feeling how soft the pillow or sweater feels.

3 Things NOT to Do      

1. Because you feel vulnerable, make sure not to obsess and badger your partner. Don’t frantically text or call wanting to discuss the situation and thereby “over-talk” it.
2. Making accusations or putting them down won’t bring you both together. Your partner might feel attacked and respond by withdrawing further. Another reaction might be to become defensive. In a worse case situation, they might pull away completely and disengage.
3. It’s best not to rashly decide the relationship is over and walk away. You don’t have enough information to make such a decision.

When Their Desire for Space Signals A Problem

If you’re married with kids and your partner needs space every once in a while, that’s okay. Their way of recharging might be physically distancing themselves by shopping, gardening, meeting a friend for a drink, or working in the yard.

Let’s say you’ve dated exclusively for six months. Suddenly hearing nothing from your significant other for one whole week becomes problematic. Communication in relationships is very important. Their desire for space and lack of discussion about it can easily sever relationships.

As you might guess, couples who spend lots of time together and communicate often feel closer to one another. One study analyzed the association between the time couples spent talking, arguing, and in shared activities with relationship outcomes.

Results showed that couples who spent a larger proportion of their time talking together reported greater satisfaction. They also viewed their relationship as having more positive qualities and experienced greater closeness than the other couples.

Managing Opposite Needs Regarding Closeness and Space

One person in a couple might want more closeness and the other more space at any given time. Having differing needs for space and closeness doesn’t mean you’re a mismatch. Just discuss what you need with your partner and see if there’s a way to compromise so you both get what you want.

For example, on a Saturday morning, you’re tired from a busy week and would rather listen to music than talk to your partner. Your partner looks hurt and rejected. You might reassure them by saying, “I just need space to decompress. How about you give me 20 minutes in bed to play some music and chill? Then, let’s talk downstairs!”

Needing space doesn’t have to cause concern. When couples carve out private time to rest and recharge, they are promoting wellness. Giving each other space can refresh your relationship and make your bond even stronger.

Secure attachment is pretty much the foundation of healthy relationships. It generally develops in early childhood, if we’re raised in a safe, secure, loving, and nurturing environment. It sets the tone for all our future relationships.

Secure attachment is characterized by love, trust, genuine affection, and a respect for each other’s boundaries, without possessiveness, overprotectiveness, or clinginess, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago.

In this article, we explore what secure affection looks and feels like. We also suggest some strategies that can help you cultivate it in your relationships.

Understanding Secure Attachment

Let’s take a quick look at attachment theory and understand what secure attachment entails.

Overview of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory was first developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1940s and expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian developmental psychologist.

This theory is based on the idea that we’re born with a natural need for connection and security—if our needs are met in childhood, we develop a secure attachment style; however, if our caregivers are not consistently available to us, we may develop a different attachment style.

These are the four attachment styles, according to attachment theory:

• Anxious-preoccupied attachment: People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style crave validation and reassurance in relationships. They tend to experience insecurity and fear being abandoned.
• Dismissive-avoidant attachment: The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is marked by independence and a tendency to avoid relationships and emotional intimacy.
• Fearful-avoidant attachment: Also known as disorganized attachment, this attachment style involves conflicting emotions and behaviors, such as wanting intimacy but pushing it away.
• Secure attachment: This attachment style is characterized by feeling comfortable with closeness and intimacy, being able to communicate feelings and needs in relationships, and being willing to seek help and support when needed.

Characteristics of Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is characterized by:

• Trust: Knowing we can count on our loved ones to be there for us when we need them.
• Honest communication: Being able to express our needs and feelings openly and directly.
• Empathy: Putting ourselves in others’ shoes and being able to understand their feelings with compassion and care.
• Self-esteem: Knowing we are worthy of love and respect.
• Resilience: Bouncing back from setbacks and challenges more easily and having the ability to successfully adapt to stressors.
• Healthy boundaries: Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, while respecting others’ boundaries.
• Balance: Valuing close relationships but being comfortable on our own.
• Intimacy: Being capable of and comfortable with emotional closeness and thriving in close, intimate relationships.

How Secure Attachment Develops in Childhood

Although no parent is perfect, secure attachment develops in childhood when caregivers:

• Meet our needs: When we’re hungry, they feed us. When we’re dirty, they clean us up. When we’re scared, they comfort us. This teaches us to trust others to meet our needs.
• Respond to us: They are sensitive to our needs and respond to us when we reach out to them, showing us that we’re important to them.
• Maintain consistency: They consistently provide the nourishment, comfort, support, and attention we need, creating a sense of safety and security.
• Allow exploration: They encourage us to explore our surroundings, knowing they’ll be there if we need them. This fosters independence and confidence. “Secure attachment gives us room to grow,” says Dr. Daramus.
• Set boundaries: They establish clear and consistent boundaries, in order to keep us safe and healthy.
• Communicate effectively: They respond to our verbal and nonverbal cues, teaching us how to communicate our thoughts and emotions effectively.
• Encourage positive interactions: They create a loving and supportive environment with positive reinforcement, affection, and praise, nurturing our self-esteem.

Secure Attachment in Parenting

Attachment styles tend to develop in childhood, so if you are raising a child, you have the opportunity to influence their attachment style by being attuned to their feelings and needs. Below, we explore the importance of secure attachment in parenting and how to create it in your relationship with your child.

Benefits of Secure Attachment for Children’s Development

Research shows us that attachment has several benefits for children’s development:

• Self-worth: Secure attachment fosters a feeling of being loved and valued. This translates to a strong sense of self-worth.
• Emotional well-being: Children with secure attachment experience greater emotional security and stability. They are more likely to develop positive self-esteem, confidence, and resilience while coping with stress.
• Healthy relationships: Securely attached children form healthier relationships throughout their lives. They have a strong foundation of trust, empathy, and effective communication.
• Social skills: Secure attachment fosters the development of essential social skills. Children learn to cooperate, share, empathize, and resolve conflicts peacefully with others.
• Cognitive development: Securely attached children tend to have better cognitive development. They are more curious and confident in exploring their environment, which supports intellectual growth.
• Emotional regulation: Secure attachment promotes effective emotional regulation skills. Children learn to manage their emotions in healthy ways, seeking support when needed.
• Reduced stress and anxiety: Feeling secure and having a reliable caregiver to turn to reduces overall anxiety in children. They feel safe to explore their world without worrying about being abandoned.
• Physical health: Secure attachment is associated with better physical health as well. Children with secure attachment may experience lower levels of stress, improved immune function, and overall better health due to the positive impact of emotional well-being on physical health.

Strategies for Promoting Secure Attachment With Children

If you’re raising a child, these are some strategies that can help you promote secure attachment in your relationship with them:

• Meet their basic needs: Ensure your child is clean, nourished, and rested. This creates a sense of trust, safety, and security in their environment.
• Recognize their cues and become attuned to their needs: Notice and respond to your child’s nonverbal and verbal cues. Are they hungry, tired, or frustrated? Meet their needs with care, compassion, and developmentally-appropriate responses to support skill-building and resilience.
• Maintain a routine: Offer consistent routines and structure, so your child feels secure and knows what to expect.
• Express affection: Show your love, affection, and warmth physically and emotionally. Hugs, kisses, gentle touches, and encouraging words can offer a sense of comfort and familiarity. Let your child know that they are valued, accepted, and loved by you.
• Be attentive and available: Be present and engaged during interactions with your child. Limit distractions and give them your full attention, showing them that you are interested in their world.
• Communicate positively: Use positive and encouraging language when interacting with your child. Offer sincere and specific praise, encouragement, and affirmations. Teach them communication, distress tolerance, and conflict resolution skills to boost their capability, self-esteem, and confidence.
• Validate their feelings: Help your child identify and express their emotions. Acknowledge their feelings, even negative ones. Let them know it’s OK to feel sad, angry, or scared. Teach and model ways to process and cope with these emotions.
• Encourage exploration: Support your child’s curiosity and independence. Encourage them to explore their environment, try new things, and take age-appropriate risks. Make sure the environment is safe for them and doesn’t pose any hazards.
• Set boundaries: Set clear and age-appropriate rules, telling your child why they’re important. Don’t be afraid to say “no” to things that are not good for them. Let your child know there are consequences for breaking the rules, but be fair, flexible, and compassionate when you enforce any disciplinary measures.

Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

Although our attachment style tends to develop in childhood, it often affects our relationships well into adulthood. Let’s take a look at the role and characteristics of secure attachment in adult relationships.

Signs of Secure Attachment on Adult Relationships

Secure attachment in childhood lays a strong foundation for healthy adult relationships, promoting:

• Positive interactions: We enjoy talking to our partner and spending time together. Our interactions are characterized by warmth, affection, and mutual respect.
• Trust: We trust them and feel secure in the relationship, so there is minimal jealousy, possessiveness, or reassurance seeking.
• Honesty: We don’t feel the need for mind games and cryptic messages. Secure attachment allows us to communicate openly and honestly, because we trust our partner to listen without judgment.
• Vulnerability: We feel comfortable being vulnerable with each other, sharing our innermost thoughts, feelings, needs, fears, and desires.
• Conflict resolution: Disagreements happen, but we can talk them out. Secure attachment helps us approach problems together, finding solutions that work for everyone.
• Balance: We enjoy our time with our partner but also maintain our own individuality. We can each pursue our work, friendships, and hobbies.
• Support: We support each other’s goals, dreams, and aspirations. We celebrate each other’s successes and provide comfort and encouragement during tough times.

How to Cultivate Secure Attachment in Romantic Partnerships

Remember, our attachment styes aren’t set in stone. It is possible to change or shift our attachment styles in different relationships with different people.

These are some strategies that can help you cultivate secure attachment in your romantic relationships:

• Spend quality time together: Spend quality time with your partner, building meaningful rituals and enjoyable routines together.
• Communicate honestly: Talk to your partner about your feelings and needs. Actively listen to theirs. Avoid playing games and make it a habit to be honest with each other. 
• Work on building trust: Show your partner they can count on you. Keep your promises, follow through on commitments, be transparent, and show up for them.
• Be emotionally available: Be emotionally present in your relationship. Respond to your partner’s feelings and needs.
• Be real: Share your innermost thoughts, fears, dreams, and desires with each other. Let your partner see your most authentic self.
• Avoid judgment: Be a safe and supportive space for your partner to express themselves authentically and feel valued, accepted, and understood with curiosity, care, and compassion.
• Support each other: Be supportive of each other’s hobbies, careers, and personal growth. Celebrate each other’s successes, achievements, and milestones. Comfort each other in difficult times.
• Work on solutions: When you face issues, take a collaborative approach to figuring out solutions together, instead of criticizing, blaming, pointing fingers, shutting down, or running away.

The Effects of Insecure Attachment

Insecure attachment styles include anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant attachment.

Let’s take a look at how these attachment styles can affect us, as well as some strategies to overcome them and be more secure.

Consequences of Insecure Attachment and Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

These are some of the effects of insecure attachment in relationships:

• Push and pull dynamics: Someone who is anxiously attached may constantly feel insecure. The tighter they try to hold on, the more their partner might feel suffocated and pull away. On the other hand, someone who is avoidant may be triggered by intimacy and try very hard to push their partners away.
• Communication breakdowns: Insecure attachment can make it difficult to communicate openly. Anxious partners might struggle to express their needs calmly, while avoidant partners might shut down or dismiss their partner’s concerns.
• Jealousy: Anxiously attached partners may experience constant insecurity and fear being abandoned, fueling jealousy and possessiveness.
• Fear of intimacy: Avoidant attachment can make intimacy and commitment feel scary. Avoidant partners might withdraw emotionally or sabotage closeness to avoid getting hurt.
• Difficulties with conflict resolution: Disagreements are inevitable, but with insecure attachment styles, they can be amplified. Anxious partners might become overly emotional, while avoidant partners might shut down or stonewall their partners.

Healing and Overcoming Insecure and Avoidant Attachment

Secure attachment can be learned and developed in relationships beyond primary caregivers. Even someone who had a rough childhood at home may have spent time with other families where they saw healthier relationships that they could learn from, says Dr. Daramus.

No matter how old you are, it’s never too late to adjust your relationship patterns and build healthier bonds. These are some strategies that can help you overcome insecure attachment:

• Identify your attachment style: Identifying your attachment style is the first step. It can be helpful to reflect on your behavior patterns from past relationships. Are you unable to trust your partner? Do you tend to break things off when they get serious? Do you send a lot of mixed signals?
• Reflect on the contributing factors: Think back to your early childhood experiences and how they may have influenced your attachment style. Reflect on your family dynamics and any significant life events that may have shaped your attachment patterns.
• Challenge negative beliefs: Challenge and reframe any negative thought patterns related to attachment. For example, instead of fearing that your partner will abandon you, focus on enjoying the present moment with them and trust that they will stay.
• Practice self-love: Practice self-care activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Prioritize activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment, helping you cultivate a positive relationship with yourself.
• Develop healthy coping mechanisms: Learn to manage any unpleasant emotions, such as fear or anxiety, that arise in relationships. Techniques like mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and exercise can be helpful.
• Practice assertive communication: Communicate your needs and desires clearly, calmly, and respectfully. 
• Learn to listen: Work on your active listening skills and keep an open mind. Don’t just hear what your partner is saying, put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective.
• Seek therapy: Secure attachment can be cultivated through therapy, says Dr. Daramus. “If you’ve had traumatic relationships with your family, a mental health professional can help you understand and heal your beliefs and relationship patterns.” If you’re in a relationship, couples therapy can be helpful for you and your partner.
• Be patient: Healing and overcoming insecure attachment is a process that takes time, effort, and patience. Be patient and gentle with yourself.
• Practice acting in a securely attached way: If you have an insecure attachment style, try taking small steps toward becoming more independent, resilient, and self-soothing. If you have an avoidant style, try initiating intimacy and practicing vulnerability with people you trust.
• Increase your emotional awareness: If you’re unable to process and manage your emotions, you may be more reactive in relationships, which can reduce attachment security. Learning to express and process your emotions makes you better able to communicate and be in relationships that may trigger difficult feelings.
• Seek out people who are securely attached: You can improve your relationships and attachment style by engaging with securely attached people in healthy relationships. Notice how they act and think. Observe and ask questions. Being in relationships with securely attached people can support your own journey toward secure attachment.

Takeaways

Cultivating a secure attachment style is possible with intention, mindfulness, and effort. If you have an insecure or avoidant attachment style, it is possible to change or shift your style with different people in different relationships.

By recognizing the impact of your attachment style on your relationships, you can work on improving it. Remember, we are not limited to our attachment style and that it is just one way of looking at interactions with ourselves and others. Attachment styles are not set in stone and can evolve over time.

Regardless of your attachment style, know that you are worthy of love, connection, and care.

Sex can be a pleasurable experience to share with a partner. From foreplay and teasing to the exploration of physical touch, sexual intimacy can bring you closer as a couple. But, for some people, not knowing how to initiate sex (or being uncomfortable doing so) can stop them from taking this step in their relationship.

Some hesitate to initiate sex because they fear rejection. Others worry about coming on too strong and throwing off the vibe or saying and doing the wrong things, making things feel awkward. All too often, it can be tempting to leave it to a partner to take the first step toward sexual intimacy.

Why Is It Important to Initiate Sex?

Sex can be much more than just a physical interaction between partners. For people in relationships, this activity helps boost emotional intimacy and may even provide relief from daily stress. 

“Making an effort to initiate physical touch, sex, and intimacy with your partner is an intentional practice for maintaining and deepening connection and closeness in a relationship,” says Ivy Kwong, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationships and intimacy. “Taking the initiative communicates desire, intimacy, and an active investment in shared connection.”

Some studies have connected sex with improved mental health, especially when going through challenging times. For instance, one piece of research found that people who remained sexually active during the COVID-19 lockdown reported lower levels of depression and anxiety.

In addition to being beneficial for emotional and physical well-being, connected sex can improve your self-esteem. For partners with significant others that initiate sex, the knowledge that your lover finds you desirable and wants to show their desire in sensual and sexual ways can be incredibly affirming.

Confirm Their Consent

An important factor in any form of physical intimacy is consent. Partners being in agreement to engage sexually is an essential first step.

When it comes to sexual intimacy, assumptions are not always accurate. Partners may not be on the same page about their interest, readiness, or openness to sex. While you may be ready to go, your partner may be tired, worried about a looming deadline, or simply uninterested in sex at that point in time. 

Consent is sexy. The knowledge that you and your partner are on similar levels of desire can add extra heat in intimate moments.

Be Vocal About Your Wants

You can try initiating sex by complimenting your partner—with a little added spice. Start things off by telling them how amazing they look in their new shirt, praise them for their progress at the gym, or give another genuine compliment. This can be very stimulating, especially when paired with your vocalized desire.

To take things up a notch, sprinkle dirty talk into the mix. Give your partner insight into your sexual plans by telling them what you want to do with (or to) them. Be specific about what turns you on and invite them to indulge with you.

Let Your Body Language Speak for You

Expressing your desire for your partner non-verbally is a great way to build heat and communicate sexual interest. It’s also a good way to let them know that you want them if you’re not comfortable talking about sex and saying what you want.

Brush against them in the hallway, take a moment to run your fingers through their hair, or pull them close for a nuzzle. These are all easy ways to let your partner know that you’re available for and interested in physical intimacy.

You can also initiate things slowly. Massaging your partner, kissing them intimately, or hugging them deeply are all inviting possibilities for beginning further sensual and sexual exploration. 

Be Spontaneous

If your partner enjoys spontaneity, you can indulge their preference. Impromptu physical moves like slowly unbuttoning their clothing or grabbing their hand in the middle of the day and leading them to the bedroom can both lead to spontaneous sexual activity.

Spur-of-the-moment sex can be initiated and enjoyed in different locations at home, in the car, or in other safe and private places. Being spontaneous with your partner can be a fun and exciting way to keep things steamy. 

Also, pay attention to non-verbal cues in your partner when being spontaneous, such as if they appear tense, have a grimace on their face, or develop a worried expression. Being attuned to their responses is crucial in making sure you are respecting their boundaries.

Schedule Time for Sex

While spontaneity can be exciting, scheduling time for sex is something that plenty of couples do to prioritize physical intimacy. This can be especially helpful if you both lead busy lives and often find that your sexual relationship suffers because of it.

There’s another reason to pre-schedule your sexual sessions. Doing so can help create anticipation when you put it on the calendar, increasing your sex drive significantly as the day and time approaches.

Use Playful Communication

If you’ve been wondering how to initiate sex subtly, you might try coming up with playful ways to signal your interest and availability to your partner. Maybe you wear a certain piece of jewelry that lets them know you’re in the mood, or you put a note on their dresser or on the bed where they’ll see it.

You can even have a designated fridge magnet that you put into position when you’re wanting intimacy with your partner. Have fun and get creative!

Send a Spicy Text

If you’re easing into the idea of initiating sex, a tame place to begin is with texts. You could begin with an innocent, “Can’t wait to see you tonight!” to give them something to look forward to after work. If you’re feeling more risqué, you might even go into some detail about your plans for them later in the day.

Dress the Part

Words aren’t always necessary when sending signs that you are feeling sexy. Sometimes, you can let your outfit do the talking.

Wear lingerie, let your partner know you don’t have on any underwear, or wear clothing that you simply feel attractive in. These are all ways to send suggestive messages for playtime later. 

Don’t Have Unrealistic Expectations

It’s important not to put pressure on yourself or your partner when it comes to having sex. There will be times when one of you doesn’t want it and the other does.

Be understanding and compassionate with each other and respect each other’s space. Try not to take it personally if your partner isn’t the mood. There are other ways to build intimacy that you can practice when sex isn’t an option.

Fluid vs. crystallized intelligence are two types of intelligence that influence your ability to function effectively in your daily life. Fluid intelligence involves the ability to reason and think flexibly, whereas crystallized intelligence refers to the accumulation of knowledge, facts, and skills acquired throughout life.

The theory of fluid vs. crystallized intelligence was first proposed by psychologist Raymond Cattelwith his student John Horn. The theory suggests that intelligence comprises different abilities that interact and work together to produce overall individual intelligence.

Some people say that intelligence starts to decline as people age. However, research suggests that while fluid intelligence begins to decrease after adolescence, crystallized intelligence continues to increase throughout adulthood.

Fluid Intelligence

Cattell defined fluid intelligence as “the ability to perceive relationships independent of previous specific practice or instruction concerning those relationships.”

When you encounter an entirely new problem that cannot be solved with your existing knowledge, you must rely on fluid intelligence to solve it.

Fluid intelligence examples include:

Fluid intelligence tends to decline during late adulthood. Certain cognitive skills associated with fluid intelligence also tend to decline as people reach later adulthood.

Crystallized Intelligence

Crystallized intelligence involves knowledge that comes from prior learning and past experiences. In other words, it’s all of the facts, figures, and other accumulated knowledge that you’ve acquired over the course of your life.

Crystallized intelligence examples include:

• Memorizing text
• Memorizing vocabulary
• Recalling how to do something
• Remembering dates and locations

So, what can you do to increase your crystallized intelligence? As you might expect, this type of intelligence tends to increase with age. The more learning and experience you have, the more you build up your crystallized intelligence.

Differences Between Fluid and Crystallized Intelligence

Fluid and crystallized intelligence are very important but serve different purposes. Think of them a bit like two sides of the same coin. While they are vital for your ability to function and interrelated in many ways, there are several ways in which each intelligence type is distinct.

Both fluid and crystallized intelligence are factors that Cattell referred to as general intelligence. General intelligence is your broad cognitive capacity. It is often referred to as g-factor or IQ.

While fluid intelligence involves our current ability to reason and deal with complex information around us, crystallized intelligence involves learning, knowledge, and skills that are acquired over a lifetime.

Changes in Fluid vs. Crystallized Intelligence

Fluid and crystallized intelligence tends to change throughout life, with certain mental abilities peaking at different points. Young people may think more quickly, but older people have a larger bank of general knowledge.

Fluid intelligence has long been believed to peak quite early in life, but some research suggests that some aspects of fluid intelligence may peak as late as age 40. Crystallized intelligence does tend to peak later in life, hitting its apex around age 60 or 70.

Some things to remember about fluid and crystallized intelligence:

• Both types of intelligence increase throughout childhood and adolescence.
• Crystallized intelligence continues to grow throughout adulthood.
• Many aspects of fluid intelligence peak in adolescence and begin to decline progressively beginning around age 30 or 40.

Fluid and Crystallized Intelligence Tests

Intelligence testing has been the subject of a lot of debate and interest in psychology, yet many experts believe that standard IQ tests don’t fully capture a person’s fluid and crystallized intelligence levels.

Many of these tests are also thought to be affected by various biases that impact their results. However, a number of tests are often used to measure both fluid and crystallized intelligence.

Tests that measure fluid intelligence:

• Raven’s Progressive Matrices Test (RPM) is a non-verbal assessment that asks a person to examine various shapes and pick from a choice of shapes to complete a pattern.
• Woodcock-Johnson Test of Cognitive Abilities measures cognitive skill and achievement; it’s often given to children to assess them for advanced academic courses.
• Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children measures verbal, reasoning, and memory skills. It is primarily administered to children between the age of six and 16.

Tests that measure crystallized intelligence:

• Vocabulary and general knowledge tests
• Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS) is a measure of cognitive abilities developed for adults. It provides separate scores for different areas as opposed to an overall intelligence score.

How to Improve Fluid and Crystallized Intelligence

Past research on intelligence suggested that people really didn’t have much control over their intelligence at all. Instead, it was believed that our IQ was largely determined by genetics and that training programs aimed at increasing IQ tended to have limited effectiveness.

More recently, evidence has found that it is possible to improve aspects of fluid intelligence, such as processing speed. How? It involves using brain training, also known as cognitive training, to help sharpen your skills.

The researchers discovered, however, that the training also increased unrelated cognitive skills, including the ability to reason and solve new problems independently of previously acquired knowledge.

In essence, with training, a person may engage the abstraction of thoughts and ideas as readily as applying knowledge-based reasoning.

Crystallized intelligence, on the other hand, is something that can be improved through learning. The more accumulated knowledge you have, the more crystallized intelligence you will possess.

Seeking new knowledge helps build your crystallized intelligence over time, but challenging yourself with new experiences can improve your fluid intelligence as well.

How Fluid and Crystallized Intelligence Work Together

Which type of intelligence is more important? The reality is that both types of intelligence are equally important in everyday life.

For example, when taking a psychology exam, you might need to rely on fluid intelligence to come up with a strategy to solve a statistics problem. At the same time, you must also employ crystallized intelligence to recall the exact formulas you need to use.

By using fluid intelligence to reason and think about problems, information can be transferred to long-term memory and become part of crystallized intelligence.

You may find yourself alone on your birthday for a wide variety of reasons, which can sometimes leave you feeling sad or lonely. However, there are several things to do on your birthday even if you don’t have someone to share the day with. Here are some great examples:

• Make a positive change
• Create something
• Give yourself a gift
• Get outside
• Plan to be entertained
• Give to others
• Take a staycation
• Plan a virtual party

If you find yourself alone on your birthday, consider starting a new tradition by making it a special day for yourself. This article discusses what to do on your birthday alone, along with 18 ways to spend your solo birthday that can leave you feeling happy and fulfilled.

Make a Change

Your birthday can be a great time to reflect on your life and think about goals you might want to work toward in the year ahead. It can also be an opportunity to start fresh.

Give Yourself a Mini-Makeover

Use this opportunity to start fresh in some area of your life. Go the traditional route and do a makeover on your outside. That might mean a new haircut, new outfit, or even something a little riskier like a tattoo. Choose styles that give you confidence and a new outlook.

Adopt a New Mindset

Developing a positive mindset can give you the inspiration and motivation you need to tackle the goals you want to accomplish in the future.

Research has found that people who have what is known as a growth mindset believe that they are capable of making changes in their life with hard work and commitment. Spend some time thinking about how you can adopt this kind of mindset in your own life.

Practice Gratitude

Birthdays are a reminder of how much time has passed and potentially how much time we have left. Take the time to appreciate the positive things in your life, even if you are alone on your birthday.

If you have a roof over your head, food on the table, access to education, and running water, you are ahead of a good portion of the world’s population. Over time, this type of gratitude will become a habit and will serve you well in improving all aspects of your life.

Envision the Future

Spend some time on your birthday thinking about the goals you want to accomplish. You might set a resolution, write in a journal, or create a vision board. Such activities are a great way to move forward with greater optimism and motivation.

Create Something

When you are alone on your birthday, it is a great opportunity to spend time pursuing creative activities that you enjoy. Creating something can help you get in touch with your inner feelings and work on something that will help you to feel accomplished.

Bake a Cake

Even if no one is coming over, you can still have a birthday cake. If you’re not into baking, buy a store-made version or order a special treat delivered from a bakery you enjoy. The key is to treat yourself to something special that will help celebrate your special day.

Cook a Meal 

Another great way to spend your birthday is to spend some time preparing your favorite meal from scratch. Feel proud of what you have accomplished. Share leftovers with a neighbor and consider it an opportunity to make a new friend.

Do Something Crafty

Break out the craft supplies and create something fun or artistic. Websites like Pinterest can be a great source of inspiration for craft ideas, or you might come up with your own based on the supplies that you have on hand.

Give Yourself a Gift

If you aren’t expecting anyone to give you gifts, treat yourself to something new. Choose something that might help you destress and relax, such as chamomile tea, or buy an item for your home or bedroom to spruce it up.

Go Shopping

It’s your birthday, so it’s a great opportunity to buy yourself something you’ve had your eye on. Visit a local store or look online for something that you know you will love.

Buying a gift online might not create the same instant gratification as buying it in-store, but waiting for your purchase to arrive can give you something to look forward to.

Send Flowers

Order your favorite flowers or pick some up while you are out shopping. Adding a beautiful flower arrangement to your home can help lift your mood and make your day special.

Book a Spa Treatment

Visit a local spa for a day of pampering and relaxation. Book treatments that you know will help make you feel relaxed, such as a facial, pedicure, or massage.

Get Outside

Exercise helps to clear your mind, and being outside gives you a chance to connect with nature. Get outside and go for a hike, a walk around your neighborhood, or a stroll along the beach (if you are lucky enough to live near one).

Plan to Be Entertained

You might be alone on your birthday, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be having fun. There are plenty of entertaining activities that can keep your spirits high on your birthday.

Go to the Movies

Treat yourself to a night out at the movies even if you will be going alone. Lift your spirits with a comedy. Go at a time when you know the theater is likely to be full.

Binge-Watch a TV Series

Cue up your favorite TV show or look for a new one to watch on your streaming service of choice. Get some snacks, grab a cozy blanket, and settle in for a binge-watch (or re-watch).

Read a New Book or an Old Favorite

Your birthday is the perfect time to sit down with a book you’ve been dying to read. Start that novel or non-fiction book you have had on your list, or revisit a familiar favorite. Curl up with a good book and you might be surprised how quickly the day passes.

Give to Others

Helping other people can be a positive way to spend your birthday while doing good for your community. Research has found that volunteering can have a positive impact on your mental well-being. It helps lower stress, improve daily functioning, and increase happiness.

Volunteer Your Time

Consider offering your services as a volunteer. Spend time chatting with people at a retirement or nursing home, or offer to walk dogs at an animal shelter. You might even make new friends and become a regular volunteer. Be sure to call in advance to learn about any requirements prior to helping out.

Make a Donation

If you are unable to volunteer in person, making a donation to a cause that you care about can also be a great idea. Studies have found that spending money on others can contribute to feelings of happiness.

Take a Staycation

If you are home alone on your birthday, it can be a great opportunity to enjoy a staycation. This is all about treating yourself to rest and relaxation in the place where you are probably most yourself: home sweet home. 

Spend your staycation doing the things you enjoy. Instead of working, cleaning, or doing other chores, devote your birthday to getting the rest and relaxation you deserve.

Plan a Virtual Party

If you are alone due to circumstances such as moving, inclement weather, social distancing, or quarantine, you can still plan a virtual party. An online get-together can be a fun way to offer birthday wishes, play games, dance to music, or do anything you might enjoy on your special day. And you can include long-distance family and friends.

Keep in Mind

Occasionally finding yourself alone on your birthday should not be cause for concern. Ultimately, it is just another day on the calendar.

However, if this pattern repeats every year, and it is distressing for you, consider whether or not reaching out for help or making more significant life changes might be a better option. If social anxiety prevents you from making and keeping friends, treatments such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication may help.

Missing them hurts. The ache of yearning for another person can cause us to experience sadness, emptiness, despair, or a deep sense of absence. To put it simply, it sucks.

Most people understand that these feelings are normal following the loss of a loved one or when a close friend moves away. It can be a lot more confusing to feel this way when we find ourselves longing for someone after ending our relationship with them. 

Why would I still miss someone I don’t want to be with anymore? We might feel this way because of a sense of familiarity or nostalgia. Or we might miss certain things about the person. We might even miss the person we were in that relationship. 

There are plenty of reasons and there is nothing wrong with you if you still miss someone when you know it was right to end the relationship. The key is acknowledging your feelings and the reasons behind them so you can slowly start fully letting them go.

What Missing Someone Terribly Feels Like

Missing someone often feels like a physical ache in your chest. We might feel sad or even angry. When we are missing them, it might seem like we’re not able to concentrate on anything else. We might think about the person all the time, and we might even feel desperate to talk to them or see them again.

We might shed tears when we think about this person. Or we might be tempted to pick up the phone and call or text them. While these feelings can be confusing, it is important to remember that such emotions are not unusual or uncommon.

Missing someone might also cause:

• Changes in appetite
• Difficulty sleeping
• Feelings of isolation or loneliness
• Loss of interest in activities
• Physical ailments such as muscle tension or upset stomach
• Trouble concentrating

Learning how to manage the end of a relationship is considered a vital development task during late adolescence and early adulthood. At some point, most people experience either breaking up with someone or being broken up with. How these relationships end, research suggests, can impact future emotional health.

According to one study, understanding the reasons for the breakup was associated with better emotional outcomes and greater relationship competence. Such findings might indicate that even if we do miss the other person, it is essential to understand why we feel that way and why the relationship ended in the first place.

Sometimes these are temporary feelings that come and go or lessen as time goes on. In other cases, some of these feelings might be symptoms of depression. If you have been experiencing sadness, hopelessness, loss of interest, and a loss of pleasure that lasts longer than two weeks, it might be worth talking to a therapist or mental healthcare provider.

Why Do I Still Miss Them?

Life is full of changes, including changes in relationships. It’s natural to miss someone who is no longer part of our lives. The person and relationship served a purpose in our life, so when things change, it’s natural to miss what our life and routine were like when that person was part of it.

It’s also possible we miss the idea of them or what they represented. The loss of a perceived future with someone can often be as painful as losing the person themself.

Relationships are a fundamental part of life, but that doesn’t mean that they always work out. When these bonds are broken, we may experience painful feelings of longing.

You might miss someone because:

• You wish they could be part of your life again
• They were once your best friend
• You shared many fond memories
• You still care about them
• You miss their company

You may still find yourself looking back and thinking about them. And in retrospect, the good parts of the relationship might loom larger in your mind. The problems that caused you to end the relationship seem distant and less significant now that you are no longer faced with them each day. 

Whether your relationship was a friendship or a romantic partnership, the loss of the connection can leave you feeling like there is an emptiness in your life. These emotions can be even more intense if the other person ended the relationship. In this case, you might also feel ashamed, hurt, or angry even though you still miss the other person.

But it is also essential to recognize that you can feel this way even if you were the one to initiate the goodbye. This doesn’t mean that you regret ending things. Instead, it might simply mean that you miss the relationship’s companionship and will eventually be ready to form new relationships with other people. 

How to Let Them Go

Ok, so you’ve processed your feelings of longing, and perhaps even some strong emotional regret, now what? Fortunately, there are ways to minimize the painful emotions of missing someone and get on with your life.

Give Yourself Time

If you still miss someone, remind yourself that you may need time. The longing you feel is likely to be more intense right after the relationship ends but will gradually wane as time goes on.

Find Social Support

Social support is essential for mental well-being. Spend time with friends and family. Talk about how you feel with trusted friends and family. This will help you feel less alone and more connected to others who understand what you are going through.

Find Time for Fun

Engage in activities that make you happy. Find new hobbies or activities that you enjoy. This provides a distraction from your emotions, but it can also help you focus on your own needs and interests.

Take Care of Yourself

Ensure that you’re not neglecting your needs and well-being. Eat nutritious meals and spend some time each day being active. Try to get enough sleep. Do something nice for yourself, like getting a massage or going out for dinner with friends.

Try Mindfulness Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is a practice that involves combining mindfulness and meditation to promote calmness, decrease negativity, and let go of painful thoughts. Rather than trying to avoid specific ideas, mindfulness meditation promotes accepting feelings without judgment.

Make New Connections

One way to cope with the ache of missing someone is to make new connections with other people. You might try joining social groups in your area or try online dating. If you don’t feel like you’re ready to start dating again, spending time with friends and family can help fill the void you are experiencing. 

Find Closure

Gaining a sense of closure after the end of a relationship might be helpful when you still miss someone. Some ways to find closure include getting rid of things that remind you of the relationship, removing them on all of your social media platforms, and accepting that the relationship wasn’t right. 

Gain Insight

Journaling about your feelings and experiences can be a helpful way to understand better what you are going through and why you feel the way you do. Try focusing on writing about what you have learned rather than ruminating on negative or painful thoughts. Gratitude journaling can be a helpful and effective strategy for improving your mental outlook.