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In-law family dynamics are understandably complicated because you’re merging two very distinct approaches to life. However, having to deal with a narcissistic mother-in-law introduces a new dimension of complications that can quickly become exhausting for everyone involved. 

That said, a diagnosis is not always necessary in order to identify whether someone is a narcissist, notes therapist Natalie Jambazian, LMFT, who specializes in narcissist abuse recovery. She adds that since narcissism falls under a wide spectrum, it’s also possible for someone not to have a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder even if they exhibit some narcissistic traits. The person on the receiving end of this behavior, then, can look for defining traits of a narcissist. 

“They may also project their insecurities onto others, victimize themselves, and blame others. They often are selfish and exhibit controlling behaviors,” Jambazian says.

Traits of a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

Generally speaking, narcissists are very inwardly focused, which is often at the expense of others. Therapist Leanna Stockard, LMFT, says this can present as avoiding blame, neglecting personal responsibility, acting selfishly, utilizing manipulative tactics to get their way, and being unable to see another’s perspective. 

Specifically, some traits or behaviors you might see in a narcissistic mother-in-law may include: 

• Initially charming and charismatic to gain approval 
• Exhibits jealous behavior, especially regarding their child’s relationship with their life partner 
• Won’t take responsibility for behaviors or harm they’ve caused in the past or recently
• Becomes aggressive or hostile if things don’t go her way or may rely on “guilt-tripping” to get her way 
• Oversteps clearly defined (or generally accepted) personal boundaries
• Inserts herself into her children’s lives and their relationships
• Uses triangulation, where they create conflicts and competition between family members 
• Doesn’t inquire (or seem to care) about her child’s feelings or experiences and may even dismiss them outright
• Won’t commit to events and/or tries to control big plans 
• Seeks revenge or holds deep grudges 
• Demands appreciation, praise, and attention to the point of exhaustion

The Impact of a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law on Family Dynamics

“Dealing with a narcissistic mother-in-law can cause immense stress and recurring arguments in a romantic relationship. They are often insecure and jealous, and for this reason, will create conflict between you and your partner by criticizing you, spreading false narratives, and undermining the relationship,” Stockard explains. 

She adds that narcissistic mother-in-laws also have no sense of boundaries, and therefore violate boundaries on your personal space, decisions, and parenting styles. They are also skilled manipulators and may use guilt, fear, or emotional blackmail to maintain control in a situation or dynamic. 

“This can be emotionally and psychologically exhausting, especially if your partner is in denial of their mother’s toxic traits,” Stockard says. “Having to constantly prove yourself, feeling anxious, or not knowing what to expect from your mother-in-law can be damaging to your mental health.” 

What complicates things further, sometimes, is that narcissistic mother-in-laws are somewhat unpredictable and can be very good at disguising some of their toxic traits when around others. They may show a completely different image of themselves outside versus inside of their family dynamics, which can feel very confusing and frustrating.

Setting Boundaries & Managing Your Relationship

This cycle only continues unless firm boundaries are set, and it’s important for both you and your partner to get on the same page so you can become a united front. This strengthens your relationship and creates a strong signal.  

“Some practical strategies to set boundaries include learning to say no and not feeling like you need to give into requests, demands, or unrealistic expectations your mother-in-law may set on you,” Stockard says. “I recommend staying calm but assertive and communicating your boundaries.” 

Examples of Boundaries To Draw

• Not allowing certain language around you and your family (e.g. demeaning or disparaging remarks, gossip) 
• Not allowing yelling
• Not allowing physical behaviors, like slamming doors, throwing things, etc.
• Calling out and not tolerating triangulation tactics 
• Meeting in public spaces (versus at your home) so you can leave when you need to
• Having clear timeframes for how long you’ll spend together 
• Only seeing each other at certain times and with a clear plan (like a birthday or special occasion) 

All that said, Jambazian adds that “establishing and enforcing boundaries with your mother-in-law can be a gradual process and may take some time to see its effects.” People’s actions have natural consequences, and it’s essential to set your boundaries and uphold those consequences. 

What to Avoid

Reasoning can be difficult with a narcissist living in their own world, especially if they’ve lived in that world for some time and see nothing wrong with their behaviors. As tempting (and difficult) as it might be, try to avoid the following: 

• Try not to react: Narcissists sometimes have a way of throwing everything at you all at once to see what sticks and to get a rise out of you. They’ve learned in the past this is a way for them to get attention. A strong reaction from you is exactly what they want, and it will likely lead to escalation versus resolution. It also gives her a way to turn things back around on you as the “unreasonable” person in the dynamic. 
• Don’t become defensive: “Becoming defensive is the least effective way to engage with a narcissistic mother-in-law,” says Jambazian. “This presents you to her as appearing guilty, and she may weaponize this perception in your relationship with your partner.”
• Avoid power struggles: Engaging in power struggles and trying to one-up your mother-in-law can worsen dynamics within your relationship with your partner, her, and the family at large. 
• Don’t attack and accuse: There’s a lot you probably want to say—the way you’ve been hurt, the trouble she’s caused you and your family, the frustration you deal with on a routine basis precisely because of her behaviors. Unfortunately, confronting a narcissistic is rarely effective and typically backfires. 

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter—or brain chemical—that people sometimes call the “feel good” hormone. That’s because when we do things that trigger the release of dopamine, we feel good. In fact, we sometimes feel so good that we seek out those experiences over and over again.

Pleasure is something we all need in life. At times, though, we can get too focused on it or on specific activities that feel pleasurable to us. They can get out of control and may even lead to addiction. This is because we can get hooked on the good feelings we’re flooded with when we conduct pleasurable activities.

Those feelings are often referred to as a “high,” which people are known to “chase.” The role that dopamine plays in the brain’s reward system is what links it to addiction. While dopamine addiction isn’t really possible, you can get hooked on doing things that make you feel that rush of pleasure.

What Exactly Is Dopamine?

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter. That means it’s a chemical that sends signals inside our brains. Neurotransmitters have a wide assortment of functions, and dopamine’s function centers around the pleasure and reward areas of our brains.

When you do something that you like the feeling of, your brain sends a signal of pleasure to your brain. Then, you associate that activity with the feeling of pleasure. When that happens, it can become difficult to separate the physical occurrence from the feeling of pleasure it gave you.

It’s normal to remember that experience as something that gave you good feelings.

Dopamine doesn’t just cause pleasure, though. It’s a vital part of our ability to function in our daily lives. It plays a role in everything from motivation to mood to memory.

Is Dopamine Addiction Possible?

It is not technically possible to get addicted to dopamine. It occurs naturally in our bodies, and we can’t directly take it as a food or drug. However, it may be possible to get addicted to any activity that increases our dopamine levels.

Dopamine Alone Doesn’t Cause Addiction

While dopamine plays an important role in the body’s reward system, it isn’t solely responsible for addiction. A single transmitter alone isn’t what leads people to spend thousands of dollars in online gambling or stay up all night playing video games.

Dopamine has garnered recent attention on social media. One online trend suggests that fast-paced, high-reward modern entertainment is rewiring the brain, making it harder for people to enjoy simpler, slower-paced activities.

Experts, however, dispute this idea. While some have hypothesized that dopamine exposure can lead to tolerance—meaning you need more and more of it to feel the same effects—there isn’t actually any research to substantiate this.

No matter how enjoyable, engaging in regular, dopamine-boosing activities is unlikely to rewire your brain so you no longer enjoy the simpler things in life.

Addiction Is Complex

While dopamine can contribute to addiction, it doesn’t act alone. According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM), addiction is complex and influenced by many factors. 

It is often the interaction of biological, environmental, and personal factors that put a person at risk of developing an addiction. Some of these factors can include:

• Genes and family history
• Social influences
• Parental and family influences
• Stressful experiences
• Characteristics such as impulsivity and novelty-seeking

Not everyone with these risk factors develops addiction, and not everyone with an addiction exhibits these risk factors. Understanding your risks can be important, but you should also be aware that anyone can develop an addiction.

Activities That Release Dopamine

While dopamine isn’t addictive, it can be helpful to understand the types of activities that can trigger its release. Basically, anything you do that feels good can release dopamine in your brain. Some of these are good ways to naturally ensure you have sufficient dopamine levels, but some aren’t.

Common examples of things that trigger a release of dopamine include:

Risky Behaviors Associated With Dopamine

You may have heard the saying that it’s possible to get too much of a good thing. That idea is why dopamine can potentially become a problem for someone.

Behavioral addictions are an example of how chasing the rush and pleasure of dopamine may contribute to problems. Common behavioral addictions include becoming hooked on work, video games, exercise, gambling, or internet use.

Doing these things triggers the release of dopamine, which means they feel good when people do them. 

Becoming dependent on that rush of dopamine can be risky when it involves behaviors or substances that pose dangers to our physical and mental health.

Sex Addiction

For one example, getting dependent on having sex can lead to sex addiction. Because it makes us feel good, we may seek it out in ways that are unsafe for us. This can involve having unprotected sex, having sex with someone who is a stranger and might be dangerous, or not taking care of the responsibilities you have in life because you are busy pursuing sex.

Food-Related Disorders

Another example of risky behavior that can be based in the urge for dopamine is eating. On the one hand, we have to eat! We can’t survive without it. And it’s completely normal to want to eat foods that taste good to us.

However, eating can get out of control and become a food addiction, in which a person’s relationship with food becomes more about eating to feel good than eating to stay alive.

Alcohol and Substance Use Disorders

A third example of how the quest for dopamine can lead to problems is with alcohol and recreational drugs. These substances release dopamine in the most straightforward way of all, with drugs like cocaine directly flooding our brains with it.

Drug addiction and alcoholism can be life-threatening and can have terrible impacts on the lives of both the person with the addiction and everyone else they are close to.

In addition to the above, there are countless other dopamine-oriented activities that can lead to major problems and risky behaviors. They can be as big and life-altering as losing your financial savings due to gambling, or as temporary as exercising too much and obtaining a minor injury from overusing parts of your body.

Ways to Avoid Dopamine Dependence

Although it’s important to perform activities that release dopamine, for the sake of feeling good regularly, it is also vital that you don’t become dependent on that release.

Below are some ideas to help you have a healthy relationship with dopamine and help avoid dependence.

Activity Boundaries

In order to avoid getting too much of a good thing, it can be helpful to have boundaries. For example, if you love to exercise but you find yourself getting hurt because you’re overdoing it, set up your workout plan a week ahead of time.

Review your plan and consider confirming with a professional trainer that it is a moderate exercise plan and not one that risks you getting injured because it’s too strenuous.

As far as how to set your boundaries, if you have a good memory you can simply think ahead and schedule out how long you’ll spend with different activities or how much of them you’ll do.

Nerve-Calming Practices

Making sure you are getting enough relaxation in your day can help to combat the feeling that you need to perform dopamine-boosting activities more often than what is considered healthy.

Any self-care practice can calm your nerves, as can very simple activities like deep breathing. Other effective tactics that can help include guided imagery, progressive muscle relaxation, aromatherapy, and yoga.

Conduct Activities Mindfully

Another great way to keep tabs on yourself and avoid getting too dependent on the release of dopamine is to make yourself more aware of what you do.

Before you set out to do something you enjoy that you feel you might be getting dependent on, check in with yourself.

Assess how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and any concerns you may have about your behavior. Then as you go along with that activity, continue checking in with yourself to make sure everything is feeling calm and not like you’re getting too into the “high” of the act.

What to Do If Things Get Out of Control

Addiction is complex, and science is still uncovering why it affects some people more than others. Even though you can’t be directly addicted to dopamine, you can get addicted to any activity that releases it.

If you’ve tried to mitigate your behavior and you haven’t been successful, there are many people who can help you. You might start by talking to your primary care doctor. They can recommend treatments or refer you to others who can help. Other options include online therapist directories or online therapy platforms.

Not everyone feels a close connection to their families. In some cases, people may even find themselves thinking, “I hate my family.” Because family relationships are often rooted in both shared experiences and proximity, it’s little wonder that they can sometimes be fraught.

Joshua Coleman, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along suggests that because society is so focused on forgiveness, disliking or being estranged from your family can lead to feelings of guilt and shame.

So what should you do if you hate your family? Coping with these difficult emotions may involve working on mending the broken relationships, or it may require setting and enforcing boundaries with people in your family.

Reasons People Hate Their Family

The factors that lead a person to hate their family or members of their family can vary. Toxic behaviors, abuse, neglect, or conflict are just a few factors that can lead to feelings of animosity and that may cause you to feel no connection to your family.

Finding ways to better understand the causes of such feelings can help you better cope with the situation. In a 2015 survey of UK adults who were estranged from their parents, some of the most common causes for the split include:

• Emotional abuse
• Neglect
• Conflicting values or personalities
• Differing expectations about family roles
• Traumatic family events
• Issues related to mental health problems

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Poor Attachments

Attachment styles typically fall into one of four types. During childhood, it is important to develop a secure attachment to caregivers because it allows us to feel safe, loved, and secure about our place in the world.

But people don’t always form healthy attachments to their caregivers. Instead, they may form attachments that are marked by anxiety/ambivalence, avoidance, or disorganization:

• If your caregivers were inconsistent, you may develop an anxious/ambivalent style characterized by lack of trust, high anxiety, and poor interpersonal relationships.
• If your parents were rejecting or dismissive, you may develop an avoidant attachment style. This can make it hard to form intimate relationships with others as an adult.
• If your caregivers were wildly inconsistent, often alternating between being affectionate and abusive, you may develop a disorganized attachment style. This can make it hard to manage your emotions, form relationships, and feel empathy for those around you. 

Abuse or Neglect

Hatred can also arise due to abuse or neglect that you have experienced. It may lead you to hate the individual who perpetrated the abuse, but you may dislike or resent the other members of your family who either participated or acted as bystanders.

Even if other members of the family were acting out of fear or a sense of self-preservation, it can still lead to feelings of anger and tension. 

Poor Boundaries

Anger and hatred can also stem from a lack of appropriate boundaries in relationships with your family. Examples of poor boundaries in family relationships include:

• Not treating family members as individuals
• Not respecting the privacy of family members
• Using manipulation or guilt-trips to control behavior
• Disregarding feelings or emotions
• Unreasonable demands
• Excessive control
• Constant comparison or criticism

Coleman notes that conflict and feelings of dislike sometimes emerge because parents sometimes rely on their children for their social needs. Rather than spending time with their spouse or friends, parents expect high levels of engagement and intimacy from their adult kids, which can conflict with an individual’s boundaries, privacy, and independence.

Differing Values

People may also develop feelings of anger or resentment when they have very different values or goals than those of their family members. These disagreements might settle on politics or religion, but they might also involve things like how you choose to spend your time, who you have relationships with, how you parent your own children, or even how you spend your money.

Signs of Toxic Family Relationships

When you have toxic relationships with people in your family, it can leave you feeling physically, emotionally, or psychologically threatened. Toxic family members are often at the root of poor relationships, so it isn’t surprising that they might cause you to dislike or hate them.

Learning to recognize the signs of toxic relationships may help to better understand your reasons for not liking your family. Toxic people tend to leave you feeling:

• Disrespected: You feel that family members do not respect your needs.
• Exploited: Toxic family members often have high expectations yet do not return the favor.
• Unsupported: These relationships leave you feeling like the people who are closest to you don’t know the real you and aren’t willing to have your back when you need them.
• Misunderstood: Toxic people make little effort to understand you as an individual.
• Negative: These people often bring out your worst qualities and leave you feeling negative about others or the world in general.
• Blamed: When things don’t go as planned, toxic family members may heap the blame on you and refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.

Pay attention to how these behaviors make you feel and when they happen most often. Learning to recognize them can help you look for ways to cope.

How to Cope When You Hate Your Family

How can you cope with these feelings when you hate your family? It can be particularly challenging to deal with the situation when you live with or have close contact with family members that you dislike.

Whether you still live with your family or if you have limited contact, finding ways to protect your space and mental well-being is essential.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Work on accepting how you feel without judging yourself for the emotions you are experiencing. You cannot choose your family. Don’t blame yourself for not feeling close to people that you do not like. Instead, work on practicing self-acceptance and then determine what you can do to either manage these feelings or improve the relationships that are making you unhappy.

Finding ways to accept your feelings in a non-judgmental way can be helpful. Accepting your emotions means allowing yourself to feel things without trying to stifle or hide the emotion, even when it is difficult or painful. By accepting emotions, you’re able to find healthier ways of coping with them and lessen the anxiety, stress, fear, and sadness that often accompany such feelings.

Decide How to Proceed

Not every relationship is salvageable or even worth preserving. There are times when a family member’s treatment can be directly harmful, such as in cases where abuse is involved or where a family member is hateful toward you or other loved ones due to sexual orientation, race, or religion. In these cases, it is often essential to temporarily or permanently cut ties with that individual.

If you are still living with your family, this step often requires planning and practical considerations. Finances, housing, moving, and other factors are all things you will need to plan for if you want to create a physical separation and gain greater privacy and independence.

Mend Relationships

Healing unhealthy relationships with family members is also an option. This is a step you may take if the relationship is important to you and you feel that trust, communication, and positive feelings can be re-established. 

According to research by Stand Alone, a UK organization that supports adults who are estranged from their families, having time to process painful emotions is essential. Rather than pressuring people who may be estranged, it is perhaps best to let them have the time and space to heal before attempting a reconciliation.

If you are interested in feeling better about your relationships with your family members, consider asking them to try family therapy. By working with a therapist, you may be able to improve communication and gain insight that may help you feel better about your relationship with them.

Establish Boundaries

Having a clear boundary with family members who are causing you stress or discontent can help you better exist as an individual within your family unit. 

Setting boundaries with family can be difficult, however, because it is from our families where we typically learn these limits. It can be hard to recognize an unhealthy boundary if that is all that you have ever known.

Love Is Respect, a national resource that focuses on preventing unhealthy relationships and reducing intimate partner violence explains that paying attention to how you feel in different situations can help you learn more about your boundaries.

If you want to maintain a relationship with family members, set limits on these interactions when possible. For example, you might choose to spend time with them once or twice a month. If certain topics are creating conflicts with your family, make it clear that those subjects are off-limits during your interactions.

Maintain Your Privacy

Tactics such as detaching yourself from the situation or intentionally keeping details about your life private may help. If family members pry into your life or use things they learn against you, look for ways to change the subject when certain topics come up. When necessary, be direct and simply state that you’d prefer not to talk about the topic.

Make Peace With Your Choice

Every situation is different, but in some cases, you might decide to end your relationship with family members. This is a highly personal decision and is often best made if you have had some time and distance to get some perspective on your experiences. 

Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. A therapist can help you evaluate the factors that have led you to this step and then offer advice about how to best proceed.

Research suggests that reconciling after an estrangement can be particularly difficult, particularly for adult children estranged from their parents. Between 50% and 60% of adult children estranged from a parent suggested that they could never have a functional relationship in the future.

While cutting ties can be stressful, research suggests that there can be positive effects as well. One study found that 80% of people who had ended a relationship with a family felt that it had a positive impact on their life, including greater feelings of strength and independence.