Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I still love my ex?” It isn’t uncommon to still love and have strong feelings for your ex-spouse or partner. Love is often a rollercoaster of emotions and instances that no one can either predict or control. The feelings you had can still linger, even after the relationship has ended.

If you still have feelings for an ex and/or still love an ex, don’t feel shame. You are not alone, many people struggle to get over an ex and it may take a while because every relationship is different. Read along to get tips and encouragement on how to move forward during this difficult time.

Loving an Ex Is Normal

If you still carry affection for a former partner, you might find yourself wondering if it’s okay to still love your ex. As great as it would be to erase an ex out of your memory once the relationship ends, unfortunately, that’s not possible. The love you once shared for your ex just doesn’t fade away overnight, and that’s something you have to be patient with yourself about.

Reasons you might still feel like you love your ex include:

• You have fond memories of your time together
• You tend to remember the good times (and forget about the bad)
• You’re focused on your ex’s good qualities, but you ignore their negative traits
• You are still attracted to them
• You’re grieving the loss of what you could have had together
• You’re still in love with the fantasy of who you thought your ex was before the breakup

Studies show that, when relationships end, people may deal with depression, PTSD, anxiety, and other mental health issues. So, it’s understandable that you may have a tough time healing.

Despite the many issues that arise after a breakup, it’s still important to make the effort to prioritize your own needs.

Of course, it may feel as though your entire world is over. Those strong feelings that are omnipresent now won’t last forever, and one day you’ll look back and hopefully be grateful for the change that the breakup brought about for you.

How to Get Over an Ex

If you’ve recently gotten out of a relationship or you realized that you’re not completely over a former flame, below are some tips that can help you move on.

Distract Yourself

An idle mind is especially damaging to a broken heart. If you’re sitting at home thinking of your ex and all of the memories you’ve shared, you are setting yourself up for failure. However, if you keep busy, the time will pass, the day will move quicker, and the emotions will go along as well.

Delete Your Ex Entirely

Delete your ex from your life completely. That entails their phone number, address, all social media platforms, family, friends, mutual acquaintances, and anything that attaches you to your ex.

Hanging on to things that constantly remind you of your ex will only stifle your growth. If you truly want to get over your ex, you have to cut them completely out of your life. Fair warning, it will be hard, but mending your heart is the overall goal.

Stay Away From Social Media

If you still love your ex, social media is not going to be helpful. You will only torture yourself if you scroll through your platforms. Just imagine your ex popping up on your timeline and they’ve just posted something with a new friend. Instantly your day is ruined.

Moreover, frequent social media usage has been linked to depression. So, delete your ex and do your best to stay off of social platforms as you process your emotions and focus on your healing.

Prioritize Self-Care

Long gone are the judgmental days of frowning on solo dates and sitting alone for lunch. So, treat yourself to a day of pampering or take yourself out on a date.

Enjoy yourself and learn to get used to your own company. After all, if you can’t love yourself, how do you expect to move on and allow someone new to love you?

Don’t Rush the Process

Falling in love can sometimes be a task and other times it comes at you fast and unexpectedly. However, with breakups, the process of getting over someone can feel like the end of the world.

Don’t rush the process by trying to jump into another relationship. In fact, bringing someone new into your mess of emotions is the worst possible thing to do. Feel those emotions and work through them before trying to date again.

Talk It Out

Therapy isn’t taboo anymore. You can talk to a professional in person, on video chat, on the phone, and through text message. Technology has made it possible for convenience to accommodate every aspect of life.

If you’re still not intrigued by telling a complete stranger all of your business, you should consider talking to family members or a close friend about how you’re feeling. Talking it out will release those emotions and give you clarity and closure.

Don’t bottle those emotions or try to be “strong.” You are human and you have the right to express yourself.

Finding Closure

Ultimately closure is always the goal at the end of every relationship. Unfortunately, in most cases, we never receive closure; you either have to accept what is or find closure on your own.

Write a Letter

Therapists often recommend writing a letter as a way to deal with your emotions following a breakup or another painful event.

Counseling therapist Myriame Lyons, MA, RCC, CCC, recommends that her clients write a “Goodbye Letter.” In this letter, Lyon asks patients to answer the following questions:

1. What will you miss?
2. What will you cherish?
3. What do you take responsibility for?
4. What do you wish for each other?

Lyon believes this exercise gives you an opportunity to share what has been left unsaid. Another perk to this form of closure is that you don’t need to share the letter with your ex to get the full benefits of writing all of this out. Figuring out these answers for yourself can be enough of a release to move forward.

While many approaches to psychology tend to focus on problematic behaviors and mental health conditions, one approach takes a more positive approach. Humanistic psychology is a perspective that emphasizes looking at the whole individual and stresses concepts such as free will, self-efficacy, and self-actualization. 

Keep reading to learn more about the historical roots of this perspective, as well as some of the important concepts that have emerge from humanistic psychology. We’ll also explore some ways that you can use the humanistic approach to help life a more positive and fulfilling life.

A Brief Background of Humanistic Psychology

This area of psychology emerged during the 1950s as a reaction to psychoanalysis and behaviorism, which had dominated psychology during the first half of the century. Psychoanalysis was focused on understanding the unconscious motivations that drive behavior, while behaviorism studied the conditioning processes that produce behavior.

Humanist thinkers felt that both psychoanalysis and behaviorism were too pessimistic, either focusing on the most tragic of emotions or failing to take into account the role of personal choice.

However, it is not necessary to think of these three schools of thought as competing elements. Each branch of psychology has contributed to our understanding of the human mind and behavior.

Other Types of Humanism

Humanism is a philosophy that stresses the importance of human factors rather than looking at religious, divine, or spiritual matters. Humanism is rooted in the idea that people have an ethical responsibility to lead lives that are personally fulfilling while at the same time contributing to the greater good of all people.

Humanism places human values and dignity front and center. According to this approach, people can resolve problems through science and reason. Rather than looking to religious traditions, humanism focuses on helping people live well, achieve personal growth, and make the world a better place.

Religious Humanism

Some religious traditions incorporate elements of humanism as part of their belief systems. Examples of religious humanism include Quakers, Lutherans, and Unitarian Universalists. 

Secular Humanism

Secular humanism rejects all religious beliefs, including the existence of the supernatural. This approach emphasizes the importance of logic, the scientific method, and rationality in understanding the world and solving human problems. 

Uses for Humanistic Psychology

Humanistic psychology focuses on each individual’s potential. Concepts like personal growth and self-actualization are hallmarks of the humanistic approach.

Humanistic psychology also suggests that people possess personal agency and that they are motivated to use this free will to pursue things that will help them achieve their full potential as human beings.

Some of the ways that humanistic psychology is applied within the field of psychology include:

• Humanistic therapy: Several different types of psychotherapy have emerged rooted in humanist principles. These include client-centered therapy, existential therapy, and Gestalt therapy. 
• Personal development: Because humanism focuses the importance of self-actualization and reaching one’s full potential, it can be used as a tool of self-discovery and personal development.
• Social change: Another important aspect of humanism is improving communities and societies. For individuals to be healthy and whole, it is important to develop societies that foster personal well-being and provide social support.

Impact of Humanistic Psychology

The humanist movement had an enormous influence on the course of psychology and contributed new ways of thinking about mental health. It offered a new approach to understanding human behaviors and motivations and led to the development of new techniques and approaches to psychotherapy.

Some of the major ideas and concepts that emerged as a result of the humanistic psychology movement include an emphasis on things such as:

• Client-centered therapy: An approach to therapy in which a therapist takes a non-directive, non-judgmental role
• Free will: The ability to act autonomously to make independent choices that are freely chosen
• Fully functioning person: An individual who has reached their full potential and is living an open and authentic life
• Hierarchy of needs: A theory that describes five levels of needs that motivate human behavior
• Peak experiences: Transcendent moments marked by feelings of awe, joy, and wonder
• Self-actualization: Reaching your full potential as an individual
• Self-concept: The image we have of ourselves, including our unique characteristics, behaviors, and talents
• Unconditional positive regard: Showing total acceptance for another person without judgment

How to Apply Humanistic Psychology

Some tips from humanistic psychology that can help people pursue their own fulfillment and actualization include:

• Discover your own strengths
• Develop a vision for what you want to achieve (having a vision board can help!)
• Consider your own beliefs and values
• Pursue experiences that bring you joy and develop your skills
• Learn to accept yourself and others
• Focus on enjoying experiences rather than just achieving goals
• Keep learning new things
• Pursue things that you are passionate about
• Maintain an optimistic outlook

One of the major strengths of humanistic psychology is that it emphasizes the role of the individual. This school of psychology gives people more credit for controlling and determining their state of mental health.

It also considers environmental influences. Rather than focusing solely on our internal thoughts and desires, humanistic psychology also credits the environment with influencing our experiences.

Potential Pitfalls of Humanistic Psychology

While humanistic psychology continues to influence therapy, education, healthcare, and other areas, it has not been without some criticism.

For example, the humanist approach is often seen as too subjective. The importance of individual experience makes it difficult to objectively study and measure humanistic phenomena. How can we objectively tell if someone is self-actualized? The answer, of course, is that we cannot. We can only rely upon the individual’s assessment of their experience.

Another major criticism is that observations are often unverifiable; there is no accurate way to measure or quantify these qualities. This can make it more difficult to conduct research and design assessments to measure hard-to-measure concepts.

History of Humanistic Psychology

The early development of humanistic psychology was heavily influenced by the works of a few key theorists, especially Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers. Other prominent humanist thinkers included Rollo May and Erich Fromm.

In 1943, Abraham Maslow described his hierarchy of needs in “A Theory of Human Motivation” published in Psychological Review. Later during the late 1950s, Abraham Maslow and other psychologists held meetings to discuss developing a professional organization devoted to a more humanist approach to psychology.

They agreed that topics such as self-actualization, creativity, individuality, and related topics were the central themes of this new approach. In 1951, Carl Rogers published “Client-Centered Therapy,” which described his humanistic, client-directed approach to therapy. In 1961, the Journal of Humanistic Psychology was established.

It was also in 1961 that the American Association for Humanistic Psychology was formed, and by 1971, humanistic psychology became an APA division.

Emotional cheating is an emotional affair that involves having non-sexual emotional intimacy with someone who is not the individual’s romantic partner. Someone having an emotional affair may hide it from their partner or even use deception to keep the relationship a secret.

An emotional affair generally starts innocently enough as a friendship. But when a person invests significant emotional energy and time in a close friendship outside of their marriage, it’s possible for the friendship to form an emotional bond that ultimately threatens and hurts the person’s intimacy with their spouse or partner.

What Is Emotional Cheating?

Emotional cheating is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage but also receives emotional support and companionship from the other relationship.

If you believe your spouse’s emotional energy is limited, and they’re sharing their most intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else, it’s possible that an emotional affair has developed.

Emotional Cheating vs. Platonic Friendship

A platonic friendship can evolve into emotional cheating when the investment of intimate information crosses the boundaries set by the married couple. Emotional cheating is opening a door that should remain closed.

Another key difference is that people involved in emotional cheating often feel a sexual attraction to one another. Sometimes the sexual attraction is acknowledged, and sometimes it isn’t.

Emotional Cheating vs. Micro-Cheating

Clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, one of Verywell’s Review Board Members, defines micro-cheating as “moderately small actions which just cross the threshold of appropriateness with a person other than one’s partner.”

Dr. Romanoff continues, “These are things, when examined in isolation, might not be characterized as infidelity, but are irrefutable violations of trust. When examined collectively, these actions can readily be perceived as leading to overt cheating in the future.”

In micro-cheating, “you might engage in behaviors (e.g., liking their social media post or repeatedly visiting their profile) that don’t necessarily require reciprocity or emotional connection,” she says.

An emotional affair, on the other hand, inherently involves more emotional investment and there’s generally involvement from both parties. According to Dr. Romanoff, in an emotional affair, “you will tend to experience mental fixation on the other person.”

Warning Signs of Emotional Cheating

How can you tell if something counts as emotional cheating? Emotional affairs commonly develop over time progressing toward deeper and deeper emotional investment and intimacy. Though they may develop gradually and unintentionally, there are several warning signs that your close friendship is an emotional affair:

• Anticipating alone time or communication with your friend
• Beliefs that your friend understands you better than your spouse
• Decreasing time with your spouse
• Giving your friend personal gifts
• Keeping your friendship a secret
• Lack of interest in intimacy with your spouse
• Preoccupation or daydreams about your friend
• Sharing thoughts, feelings, and problems with your friend instead of your spouse
• Responding to confrontations about the emotional cheating with, “We’re just friends.”
• Withdrawing from your spouse

Emotional cheating involves developing a closeness with another person that interferes with your connection to your partner. Instead of focusing this attention on your partner, you are giving that emotional investment to someone outside of your relationship.

Signs Your Partner Is Having an Emotional Affair

Conversely, if you are worried that your spouse or partner is having an emotional affair, there are some warning signs to be aware of:

• Your spouse starts withdrawing from you or criticizing you.
• Your spouse acts secretive, hides their phone, or shuts down the computer screen suddenly when you are around.
• Your spouse seems interested in certain technology or hobbies seemingly out of the blue.
• Your spouse seems to always work extra hours on a “project” with this friend.
• Your spouse’s friend gets mentioned a lot. You seem to hear much about this person’s opinions and yours seems to count less and less. (Or, conversely, you suspect your spouse is connecting with someone else, but they are being secretive about it.)
• Your gut tells you something is going on. You are normally trusting and do not get jealous easily, but something feels off to you.
• When you try to discuss any of these things with your partner, you are met with defensiveness or are made to feel like you’re out of line.

How to Protect Your Marriage From Emotional Cheating

There are differing views on how to protect a relationship against emotional cheating, some of which aren’t without controversy.

For example, in his book “Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship,” M. Gary Neuman suggests limiting your interpersonal relationships or friendships. Specifically, he recommends that readers insulate and protect their marriage against emotional infidelity by avoiding friendships with members of the opposite sex.

But others call this approach problematic. Not only does it not address the underlying issues that can motivate someone to seek emotional intimacy outside of their marriage, but it can also create a sense of isolation for married and partnered people.

The reality is that it takes both partners in a relationship to guard against emotional infidelity. A marriage or partnership is best protected when both people work together to build a marriage on a strong foundation of friendship and trust.

Neuman’s other suggestions, such as having weekly dates and setting aside time for discussions and conversation, support this idea. Other ideas that can bolster emotional intimacy and trust within a marriage include:

• Being supportive of one another
• Communicating daily about everything from practical issues and plans to events and personal feelings
• Enjoying dates and creating ways to have regular quality time with one another
• Learning how to engage in healthy conflict
• Repairing hurts quickly and genuinely
• Showing respect for each other

Does it ever feel like you just make the same dating mistake over and over again? You tell yourself that you’ll stop ignoring the red flags, stop accepting less than what you deserve, stop staying in relationships (or even situationships) that no longer serve you. And yet, it feels like you only repeat the cycle every time you date someone new. Is your love cursed? Are you doomed to be in toxic relationships?

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Sometimes you’re drawn to harmful relationships. You mistake the psychological traps for safety, look at the red flags and just see the color green. But you can stop this toxic behavior and consciously choose healthy partnerships.

What Makes Someone a Toxic Partner? 

Before we figure out how to break free from a toxic relationship, let’s talk about what a toxic relationship *actually* is. Nowadays, everyone’s calling their ex toxic or a narcissist, but not every difficult partner fits that label. Relationships will have their ups and downs and tough problems to work through.

Subtle and Obvious Signs

• Disrespect: When you bring up how you feel or express a different perspective, they brush off your comments. Your feelings and thoughts don’t matter as much as theirs do.
• Emotional immaturity: They can see that you’re upset, but what matters is them. How they feel, their needs, and how right they are.
• Selfishness: There is no reciprocity in the relationship. You give and they take. They aren’t curious about what’s happening in your internal reality. What matters is their interpretation of your relationship.
• Blaming: They blame you for their actions, “You made me do this! You made me go crazy! I’m not the problem, you are!” They may manipulate your perspective to gain control and make excuses for their behavior.
• Lack of accountability: It’s not their fault, it’s your fault. They expect endless grace for their mistakes but rarely consider your side. They’re the victim, not you.
• Trust issues: They don’t trust you, even if you’ve given them no reason not to trust you. Worse, they can’t forgive you for past conflicts and hold onto old grudges.
• Lack of support: You share your emotional issues and don’t feel meaningfully supported. Instead, you leave some conversations feeling misunderstood, demeaned, frustrated, inadequate, and disconnected.
• Toxic communication: Communication is riddled with assumptions, mind-reading, defensiveness, criticism, unfair fighting, and combative energy. Many unresolved issues get swept under the rug, and you begin walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
• Low self-esteem: Boundaries get pushed, diminishing your sense of self and perpetuating feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. You no longer feel confident in decision-making and begin doubting your judgment.

The confusing part is that there are still good moments. That’s why you stay. You remember the times when everything felt perfect, and you can feel how much they care for you.

This lack of self-attunement makes it hard to remember your worth, preventing you from leaving an unhealthy situation.  

Past Traumas Can Influence How We Choose Partners

For years, I found myself drawn to the emotionally unavailable, mysterious types. No matter how different they seemed, the dynamic was the same: They were intense, volatile, unreliable, and often too overwhelmed by their emotions to meet my needs. It created a dysfunctional pattern that replayed in every relationship. 

I can see now this was rooted in a Freudian concept called repetition compulsion—the subconscious pull to repeat patterns from our past in an attempt to heal and “master” the trauma, even when it causes more harm. When we aren’t able to recognize this compulsion for what it is, we end up perpetuating that cycle over and over again. I was chasing versions of my emotionally unavailable father, who was never able to meet my mother’s needs. 

I thought my past partners were more empathetic and vulnerable than they actually were. In response to their self-absorption, I found myself making myself smaller and smaller until I had no needs at all–just like my mother, who spent years doing the same thing with my father. That past trauma created a hyper-independent personality and kept me trapped in a cycle of disappointment. 

Attachment Styles Matter, Too

Attachment styles played a huge role in this. With an anxious attachment style, I was attracted to avoidant partners who maintained just enough distance to keep me hooked. It was a recipe for instability. But it felt familiar because it was all I’d ever known.

Psychology calls it the mere exposure effect or the familiarity bias, a heuristic in which familiarity breeds attraction and we prefer familiar options over unfamiliar ones. 

How To Identify Common Traits Among Past Partners 

Start looking for patterns in your dating history. This exercise will help you discover any recurring themes and behaviors. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What types of people do you go for? 
• How does the image of your “type” limit you to a certain kind of person who may not be capable of deep intimacy?
• Are there qualities (empathy, patience, vulnerability, etc.) that may unintentionally attract toxic relationships? 
• How do these relationships usually end? 
• Are there common factors in the breakup? 
• What have your former partners’ behaviors or words told you about yourself?
• How does it feel familiar to what you experienced in your childhood?
• What story are your partners telling you about yourself?
• Did you accept behaviors that were unhealthy? If so, what were they? 
• Do you find yourself looking for love from the same kinds of people? 

Now, journal about the specific folks you’ve been attracted to:

• What qualities did they have in common?
• Was there a consistent lack of some important qualities you needed–emotional availability, empathy, awareness? 
• Why did you accept the relationship despite it missing core values?
• Did you ever feel like you were “too much” for wanting certain things, like respect or commitment?
• Did you find yourself compromising on your needs and values to keep the relationship going because of what you hoped they would give you? 

Recognizing those patterns can help you avoid being attracted to toxic partners in the future. 

Strategies for Changing Harmful Patterns

After recognizing your patterns, the next step is learning how to break them.

• Learn to trust your intuition. Early on in a toxic relationship, you might think: Something is wrong. I’m not sure if this person is good for me. I don’t feel like I can be myself around them. Instead of dismissing your instincts because you’re excited by the potential of their love, pay attention to where that voice is coming from.
• Date outside of your usual type. It may be helpful to expand beyond superficial dating filters (height, age, background, immediate attraction) so you can prioritize green flags like kindness, understanding, honesty, and steadiness. When you look for signals of maturity and self-awareness before making things more serious, you’ll end up in healthier relationships. Embrace your non-negotiables and let go of anyone who can’t fundamentally offer those traits from the beginning. 
• Maintain a clear perspective. As you date, practice boundary-setting. Get into the habit of journaling to track patterns and view your partners accurately. Share openly with trusted loved ones, and seek their perspective on your partners so they can tell you what they’re noticing.

The Importance of Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion

I finally faced my own story when I ended up in the most toxic relationship of my life. It was the biggest wake-up call. I realized I couldn’t keep attempting to write a new happily-ever-after with the same dysfunctional characters. I was done trying to get my needs met from men who weren’t capable of giving them to me in the first place. 

Remember, self-awareness is valuable, but so is self-compassion. You might experience the urge to blame yourself for getting into painful relationships. Forgive yourself for missing the signs and sticking around longer than you should have. You can’t change what’s already happened, but you can gratefully acknowledge the changes you’re making now. Moving forward, you can feel confident knowing you’ll welcome healthier relationships. 

Finding the right support can be key. A therapist specializing in self-esteem, relationship dynamics, or attachment styles can help you find clarity, process your relationship experiences, and move through each step of your journey.

Final Thoughts

No one ends up in a toxic relationship because they actively choose it. We’re all trying our best, and sometimes we have baggage and blind spots that get in our way. 

Every relationship, no matter how painful, can teach us something essential about who we are. These toxic experiences do not define the love we deserve. Toxic exes are never a reflection of your worth—they’re simply mirrors showing the parts of yourself in need of healing. As you align with a new dating mindset, you’ll attract relationships that are growth-oriented, reciprocal, and respectful. 

Feeling a loss of interest can make it harder to do the things you need to do each day. It can leave you feeling listless, disinterested, and unmotivated to do much of anything at all. Known as anhedonia, this feeling can cause people to lose interest in activities they used to enjoy.

If you feel like you’re losing interest in everything, you may be wondering what to do. Here are five options, along with some potential causes of your lost of interest. We also talk about how to get help so you can start to enjoy life again.

Why You Feel a Loss of Interest

Loss of interest is one of the key symptoms of depression. In addition to depression, feeling like you’re losing interest in everything can also be caused by several other mental health conditions says psychiatrist Steven Gans, MD, including:

Loss of interest can create a cycle from which it’s hard to break free. Because of decreased interest, you might stop spending time with others and engaging in things that normally help you feel less stressed. This increased isolation, decreased activity, and lower social support can then play a part in making you feel more anxious and depressed. 

What to Do When Losing Interest in Everything

Fortunately, there are some steps that you can take to feel better when you are experiencing a loss of interest. Here are some things that may help.

Focus on Staying Active

A loss of interest can make it difficult to stick to an exercise routine, but focus on getting some physical activity in each day. Exercise has been shown to have a number of positive effects on mental health, including improving mood and decreasing symptoms of depression. Even going for a brisk walk each day can help.

Get Enough Rest

Lack of sleep can have a negative impact on mental health. For instance, one meta-analysis of 34 studies found that insomnia significantly increases depression risk. So if you are struggling with a loss of interest, make sure that you are practicing good sleep habits and giving yourself plenty of time each night to get quality rest.

Take Small Steps

While it may not be possible to throw yourself into the activities you normally love with the same gusto as before, it can help to do little things each day. If there is a hobby that you used to love but have lost interest in, challenge yourself to learn something new about it. Or break up a larger project into much smaller steps and set aside a little time each day to tackle just one thing. 

Make Plans

Although it can be difficult to get inspired when you’re losing interest in everything, you may find it helpful to make plans for things that you want to do in the future. Research has found that planning for the future, known as proactive coping, can help improve resilience.

Find Support

When you’re feeling disinterested, it can be helpful to turn to friends and family for support. Let them know that you’re struggling with this lack of interest.

Sometimes just spending time around other people can lift your mood. Other people’s enthusiasm can also be contagious, so you might find that their zest for different activities starts to rub off on you as well.

Getting Help For Your Loss of Interest

It’s important to know that you don’t have to live with a loss of interest in your life. Instead, reach out to your healthcare provider and talk to them about what you are feeling suggests Dr. Gans.

Dr. Gans adds that getting help is especially important if your loss of interest is accompanied by other symptoms like “a depressed, sad, or irritable mood, significant changes in appetite or sleep, loss of energy, trouble thinking and concentrating, or changes in outlook such as hopelessness, worthlessness, or thoughts of death or suicide.”

Diagnosis

Your physician will ask questions about the symptoms you are experiencing. They may also perform a physical exam and lab tests to help rule out any underlying medical conditions that might be contributing to how you’ve been feeling.

They may then recommend different treatments depending on your diagnosis. For example, if you are diagnosed with depression, your provider may suggest psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of the two. You might also consider just seeking help directly from a mental health professional without first seeing your primary care physician or nurse practitioner.

Treatment

There are a number of different treatment approaches that can be used to address the loss of interest, including cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help change your thoughts and behaviors. Antidepressants or other medications may be prescribed to help elevate your mood. 

You might also consider trying online therapy or a mental health app to help address feelings of lost interest. Mobile apps can be useful for setting goals, offering mental health tips, and tracking your progress. Online therapy can connect you with a trained therapist who can offer support and advice delivered by email, video chat, text message, or phone. 

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Attachment theory suggests that our relationship patterns are significantly influenced by our formative interactions with our earliest caregivers. These early experiences unconsciously lay the groundwork for how we approach intimacy, resulting in secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful attachment styles. In particular, the avoidant attachment style is commonly characterized by hyper-independence, conflict avoidance, and emotional distance.

If you have an avoidant attachment style, there’s a tendency to nurture insecure relationships that enable emotional distance. The level of closeness needed to deepen a relationship may feel like too much, causing you to feel shut down and overwhelmed. However, change is possible. Let’s explore the origins of the avoidant attachment style and explore ways to heal and overcome its challenges in adulthood. 

Identify Your Patterns to Break Them

Babies are born with an innate biological need to attach to their caregivers. Not only does depending on others maximize our evolutionary ability to survive, but it also provides safety and protection. When we are sad, fearful, and crying out in distress, we are motivated to reach out to our caregivers with proximity-seeking behaviors to seek reassurance, comfort, touch, and quality time. How our caregivers respond to our vulnerable stress forms our attachment style.

When caregivers respond consistently, this creates a secure attachment style where we believe we will be taken care of and can safely extend that trust to the world.

If our primary caregivers are consistently emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to our needs, we feel like it’s not safe to reach out to them for physical and emotional connection, which this leads to low trust and high avoidance of others. An avoidantly attached person subsequently learned how to fend for themselves and deactivate their proximity-seeking behavior which causes aloofness, alienation, and self-reliance.

Over time, you may distance yourself from others and focus on developing a strong sense of self. As a result, you may dismiss the importance of relationships to manage fears of intimacy and pre-emptively strike off rejection. The good news is your avoidance is not a fundamental part of who you are, but a way of being that can be deconstructed and rebuilt to support healthier and happier relationships. 

Once you recognize your avoidant tendencies, you can practice building trust by giving people the opportunity to show up for you, and practice deepening vulnerability by opening up to others. Over time, you can become more comfortable meeting and sharing needs without feeling overwhelmed or dysregulated. Step by step, you can learn how to break free from your habitual avoidant behaviors developed from childhood. 

Feel Safe With Intimacy

As an avoidant dater, you likely come across as autonomous, confident, assured, and easy-going. You know who you are, what you like, and can be low-maintenance because you prefer to take care of your own problems.

Since there is a struggle to share feelings and thoughts with others (out of a fear of being controlled, abandoned, or not wanting to rely on others), you might have to put conscious effort into staying engaged since your reflex is to pull away, which may lead to a history of shallow, short-lived relationships rather than deep, intimate, long-term commitments. 

Here’s a common example: You’ve been seeing someone for a few months and they want to define the relationship. You may really like them but still feel an intense desire to push them away, which leads to hurt and confusion in your partner.

Some distancing tactics look like:

• Focusing on minor flaws and differences to excuse why you can’t get too close to your partner, and sabotage the growing connection. There’s an overemphasis on trivial, workable issues and not enough appreciation for valued commonalities and their positive aspects.
• Suppressing needs and not sharing what you need in a relationship because you don’t want to rely on your partner, or you don’t trust them to meet your needs. Subsequently, you may have extremely strong boundaries that prevent you from letting your walls down. 
• Feeling like you have the “upper hand” in dating because you don’t succumb to big displays of emotions and let problems slide. Because you’re unaffected, you feel in control and that you’ll be fine no matter what happens in the relationship. 
• Comparing your partner to unrealistic standards based on an idea in your mind about what love looks like. When they fall short or make a mistake, you doubt the relationship’s long-term success and fantasize about what it would be like with other people. 
• Withdrawing when a relationship escalates, which is when conflict and deeper emotions may express themselves. Because you don’t want to be vulnerable, you might judge their vulnerability as demanding, suffocating, triggering, clingy, needy, or intense. 
• Keeping conversations light so you can avoid excessive communication, making future plans, and stepping into emotional intimacy. Since you’re not opening up about what you mean to each other, they’re kept at an arm’s length.

This looks like saying, “I value what we have and want to be honest about what’s coming up for me emotionally. As you want more, I feel this urge to pull away from you. I’m working on this part of myself and could use your support. Can we talk about this, take things slowly, and check in with each other so we can understand where we are coming from? All of this is hard for me to say, so I appreciate your patience.”

A Path Ahead for Secure Relationships

Avoidant people are typically drawn to anxious people because these styles are prone to playing games with each other instead of dating as their authentic selves. At first glance, this attraction stems from the complementary qualities each person possesses: 

• The avoidant person is attracted to the vulnerability, depth, and availability of the anxious person, which connects them with the immediate and urgent feelings of connection they typically don’t allow themselves to feel. 
• The anxious person is attracted to the avoidant person’s independence and self-sufficiency, which aligns with their personal desire for autonomy.

While this dynamic can provide an opportunity for growth, it can be challenging for competing insecure attachments to maintain a healthy relationship unless their self-awareness and communication are exceptionally strong. 

Healing an insecure attachment style—avoidant, anxious, or fearful-avoidant—requires “earning” a secure attachment style. As I mentioned in my last column about healing an anxious attachment style, this happens through emotionally corrective experiences which occur through inner work, reflection, therapy, coaching, and relationships.

While it’s great to seek out a securely attached partner who can function as a safe haven, it’s essential to still cultivate these skills. The point is to achieve balance instead of having a partner fill in the gaps so you can find a fulfilling relationship with someone who complements rather than completes you.

Here are some key areas to work on: 

Focus On Yourself Emotionally

Learn how to sit with the discomfort of being in your emotions with techniques such as breathwork, mindfulness, journaling, and grounding. This can also look like getting help from a therapist and nurturing a self-care routine that enables you to connect with your internal landscape. By building up your emotional intelligence, awareness, and capacity, you can welcome unconditional self-love to reduce feelings of shame. 

Practice Self-Compassion

Once you’ve identified how your avoidant behaviors manifest, allow yourself grace, care, and understanding when old stories come up. It takes time to change ingrained behaviors, so accept it’s OK to have your feelings while you learn to pursue a different, secure response.

Speak to yourself the way you hope a loved one will speak to you with unconditional, loving, and compassionate language. Celebrate your progress when you’re able to stay present, feel what you’re feeling, and communicate. 

Express Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings 

Often, there’s a desire to bury your emotions and unpack them alone–if at all. It is important to practice processing your emotions and then sharing your thoughts with your partner when you’re ready. It’s vital to let your partner know this is not a rejection but you need time to tap into your vulnerability. Check in and have ongoing communication as intimacy develops gradually. 

Accept Your Desire of Solitude

Your avoidant patterns like your independence and self-directness can be a beautiful part of your personality–when balanced. It may feel shameful to acknowledge how much alone time you need which leads to you wanting it even more. To respect your need for independence, proactively speak to your partner about what that looks like. Perhaps it’s taking certain vacations on your own or requiring the mornings for your routine. Accept these urges without making a story out of them. 

Commit in Relationships

In the past, you may have believed that committing to a partner would intrude your freedom. This doesn’t have to be the case. With clear communication, you can work with your partner to create a heart-centered relationship where your desire for space and security are accepted. By moving towards this truth, you can feel more comfortable staying and fighting for a relationship instead of looking for a way out.

Have a Support System

A partner can be an incredible resource for earning a secure attachment style, but learning how to trust and love others takes a village. This starts by openly sharing your fears, insecurities, and needs. Reach out to a trusted community where you can reach out for help. A supportive circle can help you explore your feelings, understand the importance of reciprocating others’ needs, develop healthier emotional responses, and learn to trust and rely on others. 

Keep in Mind

By embracing your worthiness of love and acknowledging that you deserve to feel close to others, you can craft a coherent story that isn’t mixed with anxiety and fear. You can transcend the limitations of your past experiences and find satisfaction in your most dear relationships.