Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

The five love languages are distinct ways that people tend to receive and express love in a relationship. They are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

Knowing your partner’s love language and letting them know yours is a way to help both of you feel loved and appreciated. Identified by author and pastor Gary Chapman, these love languages can serve as a simple framework for expressing love in a way that resonates most with your partner.

The Five Love Languages

Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couple was misunderstanding each other’s needs.

That led him to develop five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:

1. Words of Affirmation

“Words of affirmation” is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone’s primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person’s day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.

2. Quality Time

Someone with this love language values your full presence when you are together. They feel most loved if you give them your undivided attention and spend time together in meaningful and interactive ways. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, thoughtfully interacting, and actively listening.

3. Physical Touch

A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example.

This person’s idea of a wonderful date night might be cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, slow dancing together with a lot of physical contact, or taking a long walk together while holding hands. They feel most loved when physically interacting with their partner.

4. Acts of Service

Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:

• Helping with the dishes
• Running errands
• Vacuuming
• Putting gas in the car

If your partner’s main love language is acts of service, they’ll notice and appreciate the little things you do for them. They tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others, too.

5. Receiving Gifts

For someone who resonates with this love language, gifts symbolize love, care, and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into selecting it.

When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you are thoughtful and really know and care about them and their preferences. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.

Are There Other Love Languages?

According to Chapman’s framework, the original five love languages have stayed the same, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to express and receive love.

This is just one framework, and there have been several proposed additions over the years. For example, ideas like shared experiences and emotional security. The more we think about ourselves and what fills our relationship tank, the more ways we have to help our partner love us in the way we most want to be loved.

How to Identify Your Love Language

In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:

• Tells you, “I love you,” or praises something you did?
• Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
• Plans a trip for just the two of you?
• Runs the errands or does the laundry?
• Holds your hand while you’re walking?

Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner.

Your partner’s love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.

Take our fast, free quiz to find out your love language:

This love languages quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.

How Love Languages Can Improve Your Relationship

We all express and receive love in different ways. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. According to Chapman, this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships.

Learning your respective love languages could also help:

• Promote selflessness: When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.
• Create empathy: As you learn more about how your partner experiences love, you learn to empathize with them. It helps you step outside of yourself for a moment and take a look at what makes another person feel significant and loved. This can increase their emotional intelligence and learn how to put someone else’s needs above their own.
• Maintain intimacy: Regularly discussing what fills your love tanks can foster greater understanding and intimacy, helping you connect in more meaningful ways. A 2016 review published in the Global Journal of Health Science concluded that improving communication skills can aid intimacy in a marriage.
• Aid personal growth: Loving your partner in ways that are outside your comfort zone can inspire and motivate you to grow and change, and to explore ways of thinking and being that extend beyond yourself.
• Share your love in meaningful ways: When couples start speaking each other’s love language, the things they do for one another become more intentional and meaningful. They are saying “I love you” in ways that make sense to their partners, who then receive that love and feel more noticed, content, and appreciated.

Some research suggests that making the effort to respond to your partner’s love language may have positive effects. One 2022 study found that responding to a partner’s love language was associated with greater relationship and sexual satisfaction.

Using Love Languages in Everyday Life

According to Chapman, love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child’s primary love language is words of affirmation, they’d like to hear verbal praise or “I love you.”

It’s highly individual: A coworker might feel more appreciated if you use one love language instead of another.

The key is to regularly communicate and ask what your partner needs to feel cherished, heard, appreciated, and loved. Once you have checked in, you can take the information learned and put it into practice.

What Critics Say About the Theory

Though learning the love languages helps many people communicate better with their partners, there are limitations to the theory and how people apply it to their relationships.

Many People Misuse the Languages

Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually strain a relationship. For example, you might start keeping track of all the times you use your partner’s love language and compare it to how many times your partner used yours.

Love languages can be a way to open up communication and compassion, but you shouldn’t use them as games or weapons against your partner. Some people continue to use their own language (instead of their partner’s) to show they care—and that’s OK.

You can be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your love language. Try to be understanding and open. You can recognize and appreciate your partner’s actions even if they don’t match your own language perfectly.

They Don’t Fix Other Relationship Problems

The five love languages won’t fix all of your relationship issues; they are simply one tool of many you can use to improve communication with your partner.

Research shows that couples who use each other’s love languages feel the happiest within their relationships when they also use self-regulation tools to handle their own emotions. While the love languages were a tool, the couples’ accountability for their emotions and behavioral changes contributed the most to their overall happiness.

Your love language can change, too. It’s important to accept and expect that love languages can change over time, especially given life stressors or major changes such as having children.

They May Lead to Pressure on Partners

Many people talk about love languages in the context of committed relationships or marriage. Remember that learning and understanding your own love language is an important tool for you to practice self-love.

One study found that the biggest obstacle for couples who were using each other’s love languages was that the recipient often didn’t recognize that their partner was trying to use their love language.

It’s important for the giver to communicate and for the recipient to recognize and show appreciation for their partner’s efforts, even if they don’t exactly meet expectations. This positive feedback will allow learning to happen and changes to continue instead of shaming which leads to shutdown

They Perpetuate Heteronormativity

Chapman’s original model focuses on heterosexual couples even though the theory can apply to any partnership regardless of their sexual orientation. If you’re reading “The 5 Love Languages” and you aren’t in a heterosexual relationship or you aren’t heteronormative, it might feel frustrating to be excluded from the text.

Heteronormativity is the assumption that all people are straight and that romantic and sexual relationships are always between one man and one woman. It assumes that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation and that it’s the only normal or natural way to express sexuality and attraction.

Certain Relationship Behaviors May Matter More

When it comes to fostering a healthy relationship, certain behaviors may be more important than responding to your partner’s perceived love language. According to at least one study, directly stating how you feel and spending time with your partner may matter most.

Positivity-boosting compliments are genuine expressions of regard, admiration, praise, or respect that can improve someone’s mood and help you feel more connected to them. They tend to work best when they are personalized, specific, genuine, and highlight someone’s effort, character, or presence. Examples include “You always make every day brighter,” or “I really admire how you handle challenges.”

Why Positivity-Boosting Compliments Feel So Great

Receiving a compliment feels great. The health and happiness benefits of the compliment giver are also well-documented. One study also found that practicing kindness toward others can be beneficial for individuals at risk of mental health problems.

Compliments really are one of the easiest two-way streets available to spread happiness around you and increase your own. The more you compliment, the better you feel. We know it can feel awkward sometimes to dish out a compliment—and to receive one—but the more practice you get, the more natural it will feel.

Here are a hundred ready-made compliments to try out for yourself. Such compliments can work for almost any situation, whether you compliment a friend, colleague, or loved one.

Ways to Compliment Someone’s Positivity

These compliments focus on the joy, fun, and positive outlook a person brings. It’s not easy to stay positive all the time, so it’s important to let someone know when they have a positive impact on you and those around them:

• Your smile is contagious.
• I bet you can make even the crankiest babies smile.
• You have the best laugh.
• You light up the room.
• You have a great sense of humor.
• If you were a cartoon character, you’d be the one that gets bluebirds to sing on your shoulders.
• You’re like sunshine on a rainy day.
• You bring out the best in other people.
• There’s just something about you that shines.
• Colors seem brighter when you’re around.
• You always know how to have fun.
• Jokes are funnier when you tell them.
• You’re the best at finding silver linings.
• You always know what to say to make me feel better.
• Being around you is like a happy little vacation.
• You’re more fun than bubble wrap.
• You’re like a breath of fresh air.
• You’re someone’s reason to smile.
• You’re the only person who can always make me laugh.

Compliments That Highlight Personal Traits

These compliments acknowledge different qualities a person exhibits. We are often very self-conscious about different aspects of our lives and worried about how others perceive us. Compliments along these lines can go a long way to making someone feel a bit more comfortable in their own skin:

• You have impeccable manners.
• I like your style.
• You’re strong.
• Is that your picture next to “charming” in the dictionary?
• Your kindness is a balm to all who encounter it.
• You are brave.
• You are beautiful on the inside and outside.
• You have the courage of your convictions.
• You’re a great listener.
• Hipsters are probably jealous of how cool you are.
• There are so many different things that make you really interesting.
• You’re inspiring.
• You’re so thoughtful.
• When you make up your mind, nothing stands in your way.
• You seem to really know who you are.

Compliments for Intelligence, Creativity, and Resourcefulness

These compliments show that you appreciate a person’s abilities. When we work hard at something, it’s nice to be recognized for it, right? That doesn’t always have to come in the form of major accolades or tangible rewards—sometimes a pointed observation or compliment will do the trick:

• You’re a smart cookie.
• Your perspective is refreshing.
• How do you know so much about everything?
• When you say, “I meant to do that,” I actually believe you.
• You have the best ideas.
• You’re always learning new things and trying to better yourself. That’s awesome.
• If someone based an Internet meme on you, it would have impeccable grammar.
• You could survive a zombie apocalypse.
• When you make a mistake, you fix it.
• You’re great at figuring stuff out.
• Your creative potential seems limitless.
• I bet you do crossword puzzles in ink.
• You have a good head on your shoulders.
• Everyone gets knocked down sometimes; only people like you get back up again and keep going.

Compliments That Celebrate Accomplishments

It is often good to compliment a specific action or achievement, especially when you know someone has worked hard to get where they are. This kind of positive reinforcement can be hugely motivating:

• I am so proud of you, and I hope you are too!
• You are making a difference.
• You deserve all the credit you’re getting.
• You’re a great example to others.
• Actions speak louder than words, and yours tell an incredible story.

Compliments That Strengthen Personal Relationships

How do you compliment a friend? Sometimes it can be tough to actually verbalize what someone means to you in a way that won’t sound too cheesy. Try using these compliments that focus on how your friend relates to others.

• You’re an awesome friend.
• You’re more helpful than you realize.
• Hanging out with you is always a good time.
• You always seem to know what others need.
• Being around you makes everything better.
• You should be thanked more often.
• The world is better because you’re in it.
• It’s great to know that you’ve got my back.
• You always know just what to say.
• Your friends are lucky to have you in their lives.
• Any team should be grateful to have you on it.
• There’s a reason people are drawn to you.
• The way you treasure your loved ones is incredible.
• You’re a gift to those around you.

Thoughtful Compliments About Appearance

These compliments can be problematic, as complimenting appearance can come across as flirting, and so they should be avoided in many business and social contexts.

If you do use appearance-based comments, know your audience. Make sure it is the right situation, appropriate for your relationship with the person, and not something that will make them feel uncomfortable:

• You have been glowing lately.
• You look great today.
• Your eyes are breathtaking.
• How is it that you can make any outfit work for you?
• That color is perfect on you.
• Is that a new perfume? It smells great.
• Your smile lights up the room.
• Your confidence is infectious.
• Have you been working out?
• Your hair looks stunning.
• Your voice is magnificent.
• I wish I had your nose.
• You’re irresistible when you blush.
• Has anyone ever told you that you have great posture?

Complimenting a Romantic Interest

If you want to compliment someone you are interested in romantically or sexually, be polite, recognize the contexts in which such compliments are appropriate, and pay attention to the tone of voice and body language. Respect the other person’s boundaries if your compliments seem unwelcome.

Rather than focusing on aspects of their physical body, consider complimenting something like their style, talents, or behaviors. For example, you might say something like:

• I absolutely love that shirt. It really brings out the color of your eyes.
• Your hair looks so great today.
• You have such a great sense of style.
• You have such a great personality.
• I really enjoy talking to you.

If you want to compliment someone you are in a relationship with, you might mention how they make you feel, how much you enjoy seeing them each day, or how creative and talented they are.

Compliments That Recognize the Whole Person

These compliments may be a little too general. As with complimenting appearance, consider whether they are appropriate or may be bordering on flirtatious:

• I appreciate you.
• You are perfect just the way you are.
• You are enough.
• On a scale from 1 to 10, you’re an 11.
• You’ve got all the right moves.
• Everything would be better if more people were like you.
• You are an incredible human.
• You’re wonderful.
• You’re one of a kind.
• Whoever raised you deserves a medal for a job well done.
• Time spent with you is always worth it.
• In high school, I bet you were voted “Best, period.”
• If you were a scented candle, you’d be the rare one that actually smells like what it’s supposed to.
• There’s ordinary, and then there’s you.
• You’re even better than a unicorn because you’re real.
• You’re really something special.

How to Give a Positivity-Boosting Compliment

• Practice: Start complimenting and find out for yourself how great it makes you feel.
• Personalize it: If you pick any of these, be sure to personalize it so it truly reflects what you appreciate about the person you are complimenting.
• Consider their response: If someone deflects your compliments or responds awkwardly, consider what their response might reveal about them. In some cases, they may feel uncomfortable with the attention, or they may simply not know how to accept a compliment.
• Keep the conversation going: In either case, try not to take it too personally and move the conversation forward by talking about other subjects without dwelling on the awkwardness.

Research has found that we tend to underestimate the positive impact of giving compliments and overestimate how uncomfortable their words might make the recipient. This makes people less likely to engage in prosocial behaviors. So, don’t be afraid to let someone know you appreciate them!