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The chameleon effect is a phenomenon that finds us mimicking the mannerisms, gestures, or facial expressions of the people we interact with most often. It causes you to subconsciously make behavioral changes to match the behavior of people in your close social circles, or even strangers.

The phenomenon gets its name from the chameleon, an animal that changes the appearance of its skin to blend into any environment it finds itself in. 

You may have noticed a friend or loved one using your favorite catchphrase or hand gestures or found yourself doing the same. This is the chameleon effect and action, and it’s completely normal. Almost everyone has experienced it at some point in their lives.

Why the Chameleon Effect Happens

Mimicking a person, whether unconsciously or not, is something we all do regularly. While we might mimic a person consciously for the fun of it, it’s unclear why we mimic other people subconsciously.

It’s worth noting, the term “mimicking” can sometimes take a negative intonation, but it simply means copying and in most cases is done harmlessly. 

Examples of the Chameleon Effect

The chameleon effect is often subtle, and we may not even notice when doing it. Some of the ways this phenomenon might manifest include:

• Mimicking the verbal expressions or speech patterns of a friend
• Crossing your arms when you are talking to someone who also has their arms crossed
• Smiling when you are talking to someone who is also smiling
• Mimicking the posture of other people during a meeting
• Adopting the same gestures that your conversation partner is using
• Using the same tone of voice as the person you are talking with
• Crossing your legs when someone else crosses theirs
• Nodding your head or making other head movements that mimic those of your conversation partner

Impact of the Chameleon Effect

The chameleon effect is an unknowing mimic of other people’s behaviors, and it’s perfectly normal. If you live or interact with another person or people for long enough, you are bound to pick up some of their body language, including behaviors, mannerisms, facial expressions, and gestures. You might particularly notice the chameleon effect in couples who have been together for a long time or best friends. 

According to Tanya L. Chartrand and John A. Bargh, two psychologists who were the first to explore the phenomenon, very empathetic people are more likely to imitate others than people who aren’t.

When people are genuinely empathetic, they pay more attention and form deeper connections with the person they are interacting with, making them more likely to mimic.

However, when people who aren’t very empathetic attempt to mimic someone else, the gesture can ring false. This can have the opposite effect of the social advantages one typically gets because of the chameleon effect.

How the Chameleon Effect Works

There are two ways in which people tend to mimic others when it comes to bodily gestures. The most common method in the chameleon effect is mirrorwise, while another type involves what is known as anatomical mimicry.

• Mirrorwise mimicry: When a person mimics another person mirrorwise, they do the opposite of what the person they are mimicking does. So if the mimicked moves their right hand in a certain gesture while talking, the mimicker will move their left hand while making the same gesture.
• Anatomical mimicry: You can also mimic another person anatomically. Here, you make the same exact movements as the person you are mimicking. So, if the person often taps their left foot while thinking about something, you’ll also tap your left foot. 

While outlining the differences between these two methods of mimicking might seem small, research shows that they both have different social consequences.

One study asked participants to interact with a digital human in a virtual environment. Participants who were mimicked anatomically reacted more negatively towards the digital human than those who were mimicked mirrorwise or not mimicked at all.

How to Do the Chameleon Effect

The chameleon effect comes naturally to people and isn’t something you should practice. However, it’s essential to be aware of its social advantages and embrace the phenomenon.

Whether in a room full of strangers or with people you’ve known for years, the chameleon effect can make you more likable and sociable. It’s OK to consciously adopt the chameleon effect to be more comfortable and make people relate more intimately with you in some social settings.

Being aware of the chameleon effect and allowing it to happen can help you use it to your advantage. In one customer service study, for example, researchers found that the chameleon effect benefits the mimicker by improving how customers perceive them. It also led to a spillover effect, as customers reported a higher opinion of the business.

What to Mimic

Common mannerisms and behaviors that are typically mimicked include: 

• Facial expressions 
• Accents 
• Pitch of voice 
• Tone of voice 

When you mimic a person, they see you as someone who understands the world in the same way they do. This makes you more relatable and easier to communicate with.

Natural Mimicry Is Key

However, just let the chameleon effect come naturally to you. When it becomes blatant to a person you are communicating with that you are mimicking them, they might misinterpret your intentions as an insult or mockery, resulting in the opposite of the desired effect you wished to achieve.

Tips That Can Help

Here are some tips to help you cultivate the chameleon effect in a more positive way: 

• Cultivate empathy: Learn to be more empathetic toward other people. Empathy is about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and feeling what they feel. If you are experiencing empathy toward someone, the chameleon effect is more likely to occur naturally.
• Become a better listener: Listen to understand and not just respond when speaking with another person.
• Do it for the right reasons: People are more likely to detect what you are doing if it seems like you are forcing the chameleon effect to gain certain advantages over a person.
• Seek to build a healthy relationship: Rather than worrying about how you can influence the other person, focus on getting to know them better and building a healthy, meaningful connection with the person you are communicating with. 

The reason that the chameleon effect is effective is because it occurs unconsciously and automatically. You’ll only experience the social benefits of this phenomenon if it is perceived as natural and authentic. Remember to avoid intentionally copying someone else’s words or actions and instead focus on listening, showing empathy, and being genuine.

The visibility of trauma as a widespread clinical ailment is gaining steam. The general public’s increasing knowledge of trauma is due to how common traumatic experiences are. In a study conducted on general populations across 24 different countries, 70% of participants had experienced at least one traumatic event. In the same study, 30% of folks reported experiencing four or more traumatic events within their lifetime.

As the knowledge of trauma expands, there is increased awareness of the different types of trauma responses. This article will explore complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) caused by narcissistic abuse. Read on to learn more about the signs, diagnosis, and treatment of C-PTSD caused by abuse. We will begin by exploring C-PTSD and narcissistic abuse separately and then dive into how they connect.

Understanding C-PTSD 

Let’s begin with understanding what C-PTSD is and is not. First, this is not an official diagnosis recorded in the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM-5-TR), which is the primary diagnostic tool used by mental health providers. Instead, it is a set of symptoms that presents as a variation of PTSD.

While this isn’t an official diagnosis recognized in the DSM-5, it is worth noting that there have been recent advocacy efforts encouraging the American Psychiatric Association to include it in the next edition of the DSM. While this plea has not been answered just yet, professionals may include it in future editions. C-PTSD is now an official diagnosis in the recently released 11th edition of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11).

C-PTSD is a set of maladaptive responses that present themselves in daily life. These responses include issues with emotional regulation, negative self-talk, and struggles in relationships. The cause of C-PTSD is repeated and prolonged trauma exposure, such as being a prisoner of war, experiencing/witnessing abuse in childhood, or neglect. This abuse can be physical or psychological.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

It isn’t uncommon to hear the word “narcissist” thrown around to describe someone who is self-obsessed. However, narcissism can often refer to narcissistic traits. There is a difference between someone who is simply selfish, and someone who is excessively grandiose and lacks empathy. The latter is an example of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Mental health professionals initially developed the term narcissistic abuse to describe the effects of parents’ inflicting psychological abuse on children. However, this definition has expanded to include psychological abuse between adults. This abuse can include constant manipulation, humiliation, and devaluation.

What Is C-PTSD From Narcissistic Abuse?

Remember, C-PTSD is caused by repeated and prolonged exposure to abuse, including psychological abuse. This means that if one is in a relationship with a narcissistic person or has a parent with narcissistic traits, it is possible to develop C-PTSD as a result. 

Signs of C-PTSD From Narcissistic Abuse

The signs of C-PTSD from narcissistic abuse include the added risk factor of having a close relationship with someone with NPD or excessive narcissistic traits.

Below are some common signs:

• Visual and/or emotional flashbacks
• Avoiding triggers or reminders of the traumatic events
• Hypervigilance and sense of threat in daily interactions
• Difficulties with emotional regulation
• Feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness
• Consistent struggles in interpersonal relationships
• Memory loss
• Having a close relationship with someone with a diagnosis of NPD or extreme narcissistic traits

Treatment

Healing is possible. While C-PTSD isn’t recognized by the American Psychiatric Association or DSM as an official diagnosis, it is a set of distinct symptoms that trauma-informed clinicians work with to best understand your emotional experience. Therefore, the first step in seeking treatment is to find a trauma-trained professional. They will assess for any mental health diagnoses that could be causing the emotional discomfort.

This process often includes extensive support for developing emotional regulation skills. After stabilization, professionals recommend the use of somatic therapies to process trauma, followed by other trauma-informed approaches to help enhance people’s life experiences.

EMDR, an abbreviation for eye movement desensitization reprocessing, is a form of somatic therapy. Developed specifically for the treatment of trauma, clinical evidence supports EMDR’s ability to decrease symptoms of C-PTSD significantly. Other somatic modalities include somatic experiencing, brainspotting, IFS, craniosacral psychotherapy, sensorimotor psychotherapy, etc.

In addition, as part of treatment, therapists introduce activities to help people feel safe and grounded in their environment. Techniques like belly breathing, grounding, acupuncture, trauma-informed messages, trauma-informed yoga, and physical exercise.

Coping With C-PTSD Following Narcissistic Abuse

One of the most painful aspects of C-PTSD from narcissistic abuse is how emotional abuse can create an impossible sense of loneliness. Part of the healing is understanding you aren’t alone.

The impact of narcissistic abuse can leave people not knowing what healthy relationships look like, so reading about healthy relationship dynamics or working with a trusted professional can help you gain clarity and start building a safe support system.

Consider seeking a support group for survivors of narcissistic abuse. If your abuser is also an alcoholic or addict, Al-Anon can be a great resource in developing strength and remembering you aren’t alone.

L-theanine is an amino acid that is found naturally in green tea. L-theanine has been shown to have a calming effect and can help reduce anxiety and stress. Some research has also suggested that L-theanine may help certain aspects of ADHD. However, more research is needed to confirm these effects.

ADHD is a neurotype that is characterized by problems with focus, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. While there is no cure for ADHD, there are strategies and treatments that can help people manage their ADHD traits effectively.

L-theanine for ADHD: Does It Help?

L-theanine may offer a natural way to treat ADHD. L-theanine can help improve attention and focus and has a calming effect on the mind. It is also relatively safe, with few side effects. If you are considering taking L-theanine for ADHD, it is important to talk to your doctor first.

Research on L-Theanine for ADHD

A small 2019 study found that L-theanine and caffeine seemed to improve aspects of ADHD, including sustained attention and overall cognitive performance.

Another small study published in the journal Scientific Reports found that L-theanine improved attention in boys with ADHD. The study looked at 5 boys with ADHD between the ages of 8 and 15. The boys were given either 2.5 mg/kg of L-theanine, 2.0 mg/kg of caffeine, their combination, or a placebo prior to engaging in a task.

There is also research indicating that L-theanine might help with sleep disturbance in ADHD. A systematic review study published in the Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychopharmacology found that L-theanine may help improve sleep efficiency in those with ADHD.

Does L-Theanine Need to Be Combined With Caffeine? 

L-theanine can be taken alone or in combination with caffeine. A study published in the journal Nutritional Neuroscience found that L-theanine and caffeine improved attention and focus in adults.

Twenty male participants were given either 200 mg of L-theanine, 160 mg of caffeine, their combination, one cup of black tea, or a placebo. Participants who had taken L-theanine, caffeine, or their combination showed significantly improved attention and focus compared to those who had taken the placebo.

What Is L-Theanine?

L-theanine belongs to a class of compounds known as amino acids. Amino acids are the building blocks of proteins. L-theanine is found naturally in green tea. It is also available in supplement form.

How Can I Get L-Theanine?

You can get L-theanine from green tea or in supplement form. L-theanine supplements are also available and are generally considered safe. However, as with any supplement, it is always best to talk to your doctor to ensure that it’s safe for you.

Who Should Not Take L-Theanine?

L-theanine is generally considered safe for most people. However, there are some people who should not take L-theanine. These include pregnant or breastfeeding women, children, and people with pre-existing medical conditions.

How Much L-Theanine Should You Take?

The amount of L-theanine you should take depends on a variety of factors, including your age, weight, and health condition. In one study, researchers gave participants the following dosages of L-theanine:

• Children: 2.5 mg per kilogram of body weight per day
• Adults: 200 mg per day

Side Effects of L-Theanine

L-theanine is generally well tolerated and has few side effects. The most common side effect is nausea.

In one study, some children developed facial tics while taking L-theanine. This side effect went away once use of the supplement was stopped.

If you experience any side effects, stop taking L-theanine and talk to your doctor.

What Is ADHD?

ADHD is a form of neurodivergence that is characterized by problems with attention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. Characteristics of ADHD can include difficulty staying focused on tasks, trouble paying attention, acting without thinking, and being easily distracted.

ADHD affects children and adults of all ages and can lead to problems at home, school, work, or in relationships.

ADHD Characteristics

ADHD traits generally fall under two umbrella types: inattentiveness and hyperactivity/impulsivity. According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), a person must display at least six symptoms from one or both categories to be diagnosed with ADHD.

Inattention

Inattention characteristics may include:

• Failing to give close attention to details or making careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities.
• Having trouble sustaining attention in tasks or play activities.
• Not seeming to listen when spoken to directly.
• Not following through on instructions and failing to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace.
• Having trouble organizing tasks and activities.
• Avoiding, disliking, or being reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort.
• Losing things necessary for tasks or activities.
• Becoming easily distracted by extraneous stimuli.
• Being often forgetful in daily activities.

Hyperactivity/Impulsivity

Hyperactivity/impulsivity characteristics may include:

• Fidgeting with hands or feet or squirming when seated.
• Leaving their seat in situations when remaining seated is expected.
• Running or climbing excessively in situations where it is inappropriate.
• Having difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly.
• Being “on the go” or acting as if “driven by a motor”.
• Talking excessively.
• Blurting out answers to questions before they have been completed.
• Having difficulty waiting for one’s turn.
• Interrupting or intruding on others by finishing their sentences, talking at the same time, or butting into conversations.

How Is ADHD Treated?

There is no cure for ADHD, but there are treatments that can help manage it. It is important to recognize that while ADHD is considered a disability, this is because people with ADHD brains are expected to conform to society’s neurotypical expectations.

ADHD brains work differently, so people with this neurotype may need certain accommodations or tools to manage tasks and organize their time effectively.

Medication

Stimulant medications are the most commonly used type of medication to treat ADHD. These drugs work by increasing levels of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain, which can help improve focus and attention.

Psychotherapy

Neurodiversity-affirming therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can also be helpful in treating ADHD. CBT can help people learn to manage their ADHD traits and take advantage of their strengths.

Extroverted introverts are those who possess a combination of introversion and extroversion but lean toward extroversion. Research indicates they enjoy a distinct edge over people who are primarily introverted or extroverted.

Many contemporary psychologists embrace the five-factor personality model, which includes the degree of extroversion (aka extraversion) as one of its factors. Introverts are energized by their own inner thoughts and feelings, while extroverts are fulfilled by interaction with others and the outside world.

However, many fall on the continuum between introversion and extroversion. Known as ambiverts, they can be extroverted introverts or introverted extroverts, depending on the primary trait.

What Is an Introverted Extrovert?

Introverted extroverts also have traits of both introversion and extroversion, but they’re primarily introverted.

What Is an Ambivert?

Both introverted extroverts and extroverted introverts are ambiverts. Depending on the circumstances, they might prefer to spend an evening alone or be the life of the party. They can be reserved when the situation calls for it, and gregarious when an outgoing manner is more suitable.

The Origins of Ambiversion

During the 1920s, Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung introduced the terms extroversion and introversion to the masses. As he researched personality types, he found another group of people who couldn’t quite be identified as introverts or extroverts.

Arguing that there is no such thing as a pure extrovert or introvert, he said:

Although psychologists have used the term ambivert since the 1940s, it remains largely unfamiliar to the public. Thanks to popular YouTube videos, TEDx talks, and books about ambiversion, interest in the personality type has grown significantly in the 21st century.

And there’s another reason for the newfound attention ambiversion has received: More people are realizing that they’re neither introverts nor extroverts.

How Common Is This Personality Type?

According to Adam M. Grant, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, two-thirds of people don’t view themselves as extroverts or introverts. He estimates that more than half of the population are ambiverts.

People don’t consciously choose to be a particular personality type. Instead, personality develops as early as infancy and doesn’t change significantly with age. That’s because both environment and genetics influence personality type, with extraversion linked to dopamine levels in the brain.

Dopamine, a neurotransmitter, affects the brain circuits that “control reward, learning and responses to novelty,” according to a study by lead researcher Michael Cohen. His research found that the brains of extroverts react more strongly to activities that involve risks, such as gambling.

Other studies have also linked dopamine to personality, particularly how much people enjoy new and unfamiliar experiences. Introverts, though, have fewer dopamine receptors in their brains than extroverts do. Ambiverts, again, lie in the middle, with a higher dopamine threshold than introverts but a lower threshold than extroverts.

They’re not party animals or wallflowers, but have shades of both. Overall, they have well-balanced personalities, and, because of this, ambiverts are thought to have some advantages over introverts and extroverts. 

The Benefits of Ambiversion

Extroverts have long been thought to possess the people skills, showmanship, and charisma needed to climb the corporate ladder, but research indicates that ambiverts might enjoy greater career success. Grant’s research on the topic indicates that it’s not extroverts who excel as salespeople but ambiverts.

He gave a personality test to 340 call center employees and found that ambiverts sold 51% more products per hour than the average salesperson did. He identified these workers as ambiverts because their personality test scores fell in the middle of introversion and extroversion.

So, why were the ambiverts so successful? Their personality traits make them adaptable; they know when to turn on the charm and when to pull back on their gregariousness. This differs from extroverts, who may not know when to reel in their outgoing personalities, and from introverts, who may be too reserved to reveal much of themselves to customers at all.

This social flexibility helps ambiverts stay in sync with a wide variety of people—some of whom might be put off by overenthusiastic and highly talkative salespeople and others who might be more likely to make a purchase from a friendly salesperson.

The Challenges of Being an Extroverted Introvert

Although ambiverts can experience advantages over more extreme personalities, they also have struggles. They need to be self-aware to determine which side of their personality to bring out in a particular situation. They must also learn not to force themselves to behave like an extrovert when they feel more like an introvert (and vice versa) because doing so may leave them emotionally drained. 

Another challenge ambiverts face is that some people might struggle to read them correctly. A colleague, for example, might be surprised that the fun-loving person they met in the workplace often prefers to spend quiet evenings with just one or two friends.

Therefore, it’s important for ambiverts to recognize when they’re feeling more introverted or extroverted and set boundaries with others who pressure them to behave one way or another. As awareness of ambiversion spreads, more people can be expected to recognize the traits of ambiversion—in others and in themselves.

Are You an Ambivert?

If you’re wondering where on the scale of extroversion and introversion you fall, our fast and free quiz can help you figure it out!

This quiz was reviewed by David Susman, PhD

The fear of rejection is a powerful feeling that often has a far-reaching impact on our lives. Most people experience some nerves when placing themselves in situations that could lead to rejection, but for some people, the fear becomes overwhelming.

This fear can have many underlying causes. An untreated fear of rejection may worsen over time, leading to greater and greater limitations in a person’s life.

This article discusses how to overcome your fear of rejection, and also how rejection sensitivity can affect your life and behavior.

How to Overcome Fear of Rejection

If you are experiencing a fear of rejection, there are steps you can take to learn how to cope better and stop this fear from negatively impacting your life. You may find the following strategies helpful for learning how to overcome a fear of rejection.

Improve Your Self-Regulation Skills

Self-regulation refers to your ability to identify and control your emotions and behaviors. It also plays an important role in overcoming your fear of rejection. By identifying negative thoughts that contribute to feelings of fear, you can actively take steps to reframe your thinking in a way that is more optimistic and encouraging.

Face Your Fears

Avoidance coping involves managing unpleasant feelings by simply avoiding the things that trigger those emotions. The problem with this approach is that it ultimately contributes to increased feelings of fear. Instead of getting better at dealing with your fear of rejection, it makes you even more fearful and sensitive to it.

So instead of avoiding situations where you might experience rejection, focus on putting yourself out there and tackling your fear. Once you have more experience facing your fear, you’ll begin to recognize that the consequences are less anxiety-provoking than you anticipated. You’ll also gain greater confidence in your own abilities to succeed.

Cultivate Resilience

Being resilient means that you are able to pick yourself up after a setback and move forward with a renewed sense of strength and optimism. Strategies that can help foster a greater sense of resilience include building your confidence in your own abilities, having a strong social support system, and nurturing and caring for yourself. Having goals and taking steps to improve your skills can also give you faith in your ability to bounce back from rejection.

Where It Can Impact Your Life

Although not every person experiences the fear of rejection in the same way, it tends to affect the ability to succeed in a wide range of personal and professional situations.

Job Interviews

Fear of rejection can lead to physical symptoms that can sometimes be interpreted as a lack of confidence. Confidence and an air of authority are critical in many positions, and those experiencing this fear often come across as weak and insecure. If you have a fear of rejection, you may also have trouble negotiating work-related contracts, leaving valuable pay and benefits on the table.

Business Dealings

In many positions, the need to impress does not end once you have the job. Entertaining clients, negotiating deals, selling products, and attracting investors are key components of many jobs. Even something as simple as answering the telephone can be terrifying for people with a fear of rejection.

Meeting New People

Humans are social creatures, and we are expected to follow basic social niceties in public. If you have a fear of rejection, you may feel unable to chat with strangers or even friends of friends. The tendency to keep to yourself could potentially prevent you from making lasting connections with others.

Dating

First dates can be daunting, but those with a fear of rejection may experience significant anxiety. Rather than focusing on getting to know the other person and deciding whether you would like a second date, you might spend all of your time worrying about whether that person likes you. Trouble speaking, obsessive worrying about your appearance, an inability to eat, and a visibly nervous demeanor are common.

Peer Relationships

The need to belong is a basic human condition, so people often behave in ways that help them fit in with the group. While dressing, speaking, and behaving as a group member is not necessarily unhealthy, peer pressure sometimes goes too far. It could lead you to do things you’re not comfortable with just to remain part of the group.

How It Affects Your Behavior

When you have a fear of rejection, you may engage in behaviors focused on either covering up or compensating for this fear.

Lack of Authenticity

Many people who are afraid of rejection develop a carefully monitored and scripted way of life. Fearing that you will be rejected if you show your true self to the world, you may live life behind a mask. This can make you seem phony and inauthentic to others and may cause a rigid unwillingness to embrace life’s challenges.

People-Pleasing

Although it is natural to want to take care of those we love, those who fear rejection often go too far. You might find it impossible to say no, even when saying yes causes major inconveniences or hardships in your own life.

If you are a people-pleaser, you may take on too much, increasing your risk for burnout. At the extreme, people-pleasing sometimes turns into enabling the bad behaviors of others.

Passivity

People with a fear of rejection often go out of their way to avoid confrontations. You might refuse to ask for what you want or speak up for what you need. A common tendency is to try to simply shut down your own needs or pretend that they don’t matter.

The fear of rejection may stop you from reaching your full potential. Putting yourself out there is frightening for anyone, but if you have a fear of rejection, you may feel paralyzed. Hanging onto the status quo feels safe, even if you are not happy with your current situation.

Passive-Aggressiveness

Uncomfortable showing off their true selves but unable to entirely shut out their own needs, many people who fear rejection end up behaving in passive-aggressive ways. You might procrastinate, “forget” to keep promises, complain, and work inefficiently on the projects that you take on.

Psychological Outcomes

The fear of rejection leads to behaviors that make us appear insecure, ineffectual and overwhelmed. You might sweat, shake, fidget, avoid eye contact, and even lose the ability to effectively communicate. While individuals react to these behaviors in very different ways, these are some of the reactions you might see.

Rejection

Ironically, the fear of rejection often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is well-known in pop psychology that confidence enhances attractiveness. As a general rule, the lack of self-confidence that is inherent in a fear of rejection makes us more likely to be rejected.

Research shows that confidence is nearly as important as intelligence in determining our income level.

Manipulation

Some people prey on the insecurities of others. Those who suffer from a fear of rejection may be at greater risk of being manipulated for someone else’s personal gain.

Expert manipulators generally come across as charming, suave, and caring—they know what buttons to push to make others trust them. They also know how to keep someone with a fear of rejection feeling slightly on edge, as if the manipulator might leave at any time. Almost invariably, the manipulator does end up leaving once they have gotten what they want out of the other person.

Frustration

Most people are decent, honest, and forthright. Rather than manipulating someone with a fear of rejection, they will try to help. Look for signs that your friends and family are trying to encourage your assertiveness, asking you to be more open with them, or probing your true feelings.

Many times, however, people who fear rejection experience these efforts as emotionally threatening. This often leads friends and family to walk on eggshells, fearful of making your fears worse. Over time, they may become frustrated and angry, either confronting you about your behavior or beginning to distance themselves from you.

All-or-nothing thinking is a negative thinking pattern common in people with panic disorder, depression, or other anxiety-related issues. Also known as dichotomous thinking or black-and-white thinking, this is a type of cognitive distortion that involves thinking in extremes and using absolute terms, such as never or ever.

Here’s an explanation of what it is and ways to overcome this common cognitive distortion.

Understanding All-Or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking is one of many negative thought processes, known as cognitive distortions, that are common among people with anxiety and depression. When thinking in all-or-nothing terms, you split your views into extremes. 

Everything—from your view of yourself to your life experiences—is divided into black-or-white terms. This leaves room for little, if any, gray area in between.

For people with anxiety or depression, this often means only seeing the downside to any given situation. People who fall victim to all-or-nothing thinking believe that they’re either successful or a complete failure in life.

People with panic disorder are often susceptible to this type of thinking. If you have frequent panic attacks, you may view yourself as unworthy or inadequate because of your condition. You may also overlook how valuable you are in other roles, such as a friend, employee, or parent.

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Examples of All-or-Nothing Thinking

It can be helpful to look at some examples of all-or-nothing thinking to learn more about how it works. Here are some hypothetical situation where an individual engages in all-or-nothing thinking and how it affects their mood, motivation, and behavior.

Social Interactions

Roger decided to face his anxiety and ask a woman out on a date. He left her a voicemail message. A few days go by and Roger hasn’t heard back from her.

He thinks, “I’m a total loser with nothing to offer … No one wants to go out with me … I will never find the right person, so why bother?” He starts to feel nervous and upset as he considers a future alone.

Anxiety

Elaine was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia about seven years ago. Since then, she has sought out psychotherapy, regularly takes her prescribed antidepressant, and frequently practices self-care. Elaine’s symptoms have greatly improved and she feels ready to go to a concert with a friend, a situation that has caused her fearful avoidance in the past.

When Elaine arrives at the concert, she begins to experience physical symptoms of panic and anxiety. She tries a deep breathing technique but still has a panic attack. Elaine leaves the concert early, telling herself that she will never overcome her condition and that she lets her nervousness ruin every situation.  

Effects of All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking can have various effects. Like other cognitive distortions, it can have a serious impact on emotions and mood. 

Decreased Motivation

All-or-nothing thinking can also be very unrealistic, which can contribute to excessively high standards that are impossible to meet. As a result, people often avoid pursing goals because they don’t think the results will match their expectations. They might think, “I can’t do this perfectly, so I just won’t do it at all.”

Poor Self-Perception

All-or-nothing thinking can also contribute to poor perception of yourself. If you always think thought like, “I can never do anything right,” it is difficult to see yourself in a positive light. This can lead to low confidence and a lack of self-esteem.

Feelings of Hopelessness

Seeing things in extremes can also contribute to feelings of hopelessness. If you can only see the negatives in a situation, you might feel that there is nothing that you can do to change the situation.

Increased Risk of Anxiety and Depression

Cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing thinking can contribute to an increased risk for anxiety and depression. One study also found that such thinking is connected to increases in suicidal thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking can play a part in the onset and maintenance of eating disorders, personality disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and substance use disorders (SUD).

Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking

The problem with all-or-nothing thinking is that there is no middle ground because people think only in extremes. In order to overcome all-or-nothing thinking, it is important to avoid thinking in negative, absolute terms.

Some strategies that can help include:

Considering Alternatives

One way to change it is to replace negative self-defeating thoughts with more realistic ones. This involves considering the alternatives and thinking about alternative explanations.

Cognitive Reframing

Cognitive reframing is a strategy that involves changing how you think about a situation. Changing your perspective can alter how you think, feel, and behave.

To do this, start noticing when you engage in all-or-nothing thinking. After identifying this type of thinking, challenge your thoughts. Are they true? Are there other explanations? Finally, replace that thought with one that is more positive and realistic.

Challenging Negative thoughts

An important part of cognitive reframing involves actively challenging your negative thoughts. Accepting your thoughts as the truth skews your perspective and can lead to poor interpretations of different situations.

Some things you can do to challenge your thoughts include:

• Practicing mindfulness, which involves focusing fully on the present moment
• Talking to yourself the same way you would talk to a friend
• Showing yourself compassion and kindness
• Cultivating gratitude
• Focusing on the positive

Get Social Support

When you can only see one side of any situation, it can help to seek out the support of trusted friends or family. A support network may be able to assist you in finding solutions and thinking beyond absolute terms.

Talking to a Professional

While self-help strategies can be helpful in combatting all-or-nothing thinking, you may also want to consider talking to a mental health professional. A therapist can help you identify triggers that contribute to this type of thinking and practice new coping strategies that can reduce negative thinking.