Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Ever notice how some people swing from one relationship to the next, with no time in between?

This pattern is called monkey branching. Like a monkey swings from one branch to another, some people jump from one relationship to the next, testing the new branch and getting a firm grip on it before letting go of the old one.

“Monkey branching is basically emotional hedging. The person wants to make sure there’s another branch to latch on to before they risk breaking up with their current partner,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist.

Common Signs of Monkey Branching

Monkey branching can be tricky to pinpoint because the signs tend to be much more subtle than outright cheating. If you think your partner might be monkey branching, these are some of the red flags to look out for:

• They’re emotionally detached: You get the sense that your partner is distant, distracted, or emotionally detached. It feels like they’ve checked out of the relationship.
• Their priorities have changed: Your partner might start making less time for you and the things the two of you normally do together. Plans with you feel like an afterthought, while they’re putting effort into new people or activities that don’t include you.
• Their schedule is busier: They might suddenly have new hobbies, or “work events” that didn’t exist before. They’re out more often and tend to be vague when you ask them where they were or how they spent their time.
• They keep mentioning a “new friend”: They may frequently talk about and/or spend time with a new colleague, friend, or gym buddy, but are overly defensive or secretive when you ask them about this new friendship.
• They’re acting secretive: They’ve suddenly become very private with their online activity. They’ve started becoming more protective of their phone or computer, password-protecting their devices, turning their screen away while texting, or reacting defensively when you ask who they are talking to.
• They avoid conversations about the future: They’re very non-committal when it comes to talking about the future. They avoid discussions about any long-term goals, trips, or plans that might signify a future with you.
• They’re picking fights. They might become overly critical of you or the relationship to justify their desire to leave and ease their own guilt. This can be a form of self-sabotage, creating an excuse for the breakup.
• They’re quick to move on after the breakup: If they’re in a new relationship almost immediately after the two of you break up, chances are they were already building that connection beforehand.

The Psychology Behind Monkey Branching

People usually engage in monkey branching because it feels safer to have the next relationship lined up before letting go of the current one. We asked the experts to help us unpack the psychology behind this behavior:

• Fear of being alone: Some people are terrified of being single, so they always make sure they have a backup lined up. “People who engage in this behavior don’t do it to be cruel. They do it out of fear, because they don’t want to be alone,” says Dr. Romanoff.
• Low self-esteem: Some people have low self-esteem and feel insecure on their own. They believe that having a partner increases their value and sense of validation, says Dr. Romanoff.
• Anxious or avoidant attachment style: People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle to fully commit to a new relationship or let go of an existing relationship that isn’t serving them, so they cling to a safety net instead.
• Conflict avoidance: Ending a relationship, especially a long-term one, is emotionally draining and difficult. Monkey branching provides a way to bypass this uncomfortable process by shifting the focus to a new person.
• Lack of fulfillment: The person might have unmet emotional, physical, or intellectual needs that they are unable to address with their partner. Rather than communicating these issues and working on them, they look for someone else to provide what’s missing.
• Need for excitement: For some, the thrill of new attention or flirting feels irresistible, even while they’re still in a relationship. They may have poor impulse control and struggle to resist the excitement of a new romantic connection.

Is Monkey Branching the Same as Cheating?

Monkey branching might not always look like full-blown cheating, but it’s definitely crossing a line. If your partner is already texting, flirting, or emotionally leaning on someone else before breaking up with you, that’s a major betrayal of trust.

We asked the relationship experts to weigh in, and they unanimously agree that monkey branching is definitely cheating.

When you’re in a committed relationship, including a third party without the consent of a partner infringes on that commitment, says Claudia de Llano, MFT.

Dr. Romanoff says the combination of breaking an agreement regarding exclusivity and breaching trust qualifies it as cheating. “When your partner is secretly investing their energy and attention in others, the deception can feel devastating,” says Dr. Romanoff.

How to Cope If You’ve Been Monkey Branched

If you’ve been on the receiving end of monkey branching, it can sting because it basically feels like you’ve been replaced before the relationship is even over. Here are some ways to handle it:

• Acknowledge the hurt: Don’t try to tough it out or pretend you’re fine. It’s OK to feel angry, sad, confused, rejected, hurt, and blindsided. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry, scream into a pillow, vent to a trusted friend, or write your feelings in a journal. Let it out in a way that is healthy for you.
• Remember that it’s not your fault: Monkey branching, along with other types of cheating, is not about the victim, rather the cheater who is outrunning their own fears, says Dr. Romanoff. “Cheating is about the fear of rejection, inferiority, and being alone. It’s about their imperfections, not your value.”
• Cut off contact: To truly heal, you need distance. Watching your ex swing into their new relationship will only make it harder to move on. If possible, block them on your phone and all social media platforms. Avoid asking mutual friends for updates, as tempting as it is. Follow the no-contact rule until you’ve healed and moved on. 
• Don’t compare yourself to the new person: It’s easy to fall into the trap of wondering what they have that you don’t. The truth is, it’s not about you. Their “next branch” doesn’t mean they’ve upgraded—it just means they’re scared to be alone and couldn’t stand to be single.
• Lean on your support system: Spend time with friends and family who make you feel loved and valued. Talk to them about what you’re going through.
• Focus on self-care: Rebuild your confidence with activities, goals, routines, and relationships that remind you of who you are outside of the relationship.
• Consider therapy if you’re struggling: A mental health professional can provide a safe space for you to process the trauma of betrayal and abandonment. They can work with you on any trust issues you develop and help you develop more secure relationships.

How to Know If You’re Monkey Branching

We tend to think of monkey branching as something others do, but it’s worth asking ourselves whether we’re doing it too. Here are some signs you might be monkey branching:

• Your relationship is deteriorating: Monkey branching often goes hand-in-hand with a decline in your current relationship. Things with your partner have changed, and not for the better. You don’t feel as connected to your partner anymore, and you’ve mentally checked out of the relationship.
• You’ve got a backup plan: You have someone in your life who you’re physically attracted to and emotionally invested in, and you’re starting to think of them as your next partner. You feel safer knowing you have a “backup.” The idea of being single feels scary, so having someone else lined up gives you comfort.
• You’re crossing boundaries: You’re building a bond with someone new. Even if it hasn’t turned physical, you’re texting, DMing, flirting, or leaning on them in ways that cross emotional boundaries.
• You’re fantasizing about someone else: You spend a lot of time thinking about the new person, imagining a life with them, and getting excited at the prospect of seeing them. You’re constantly asking yourself “What if” when you think about a future with them.
• You’re hiding things: Deep down, you know what you’re doing is wrong, and you’re trying to hide your actions from your partner. You’re not telling them the whole truth, you’re hiding your messages from them, and you’re not being honest about where you’ve been or who you’ve been with.
• You’re comparing your partner to someone else: You catch yourself thinking about how the new person might be a better fit for you than your current partner.
• You’re not working on your relationship: Rather than working on issues with your current partner, you’re just waiting for an excuse to leave the relationship, because you know there’s another option waiting.

We’ve all had those relationships where we feel swept up in the idea of someone new soon after meeting them. We might decide they are the one very quickly, or that we’ve fallen in love faster than ever before. It is common for this to happen once or twice, but if you are someone who chases the rush of falling in love and frequently finds yourself in rapid romantic attachments, you may have emophilia.

Emophilia is the term for a person who falls in love too easily and/or often. This is a persistent trait that lasts across someone’s romantic relationships, not that happens just once. Previously known as emotional promiscuity, emophilia is a condition where you fall in love quickly and easily. It might seem harmless at first glance, but the condition can actually have significant negative impact on your life.

Emophilia is not a pathology or diagnosable mental health condition but high levels can result in risky behaviors, emotional dysregulation, and tumultuous relationships. Let’s look at the signs and symptoms of emophilia, what causes it, and how you can navigate dating and relationships differently for more real, lasting, and sustainable connections.

Signs and Characteristics

People with emophilia experience the sensation of being in love without the time or knowledge of another person that most of us need in order to have that feeling. They may think someone new is “the one” over and over again, from one person to the next.

So how does that present? Dr. Patrice Le Goy says that “signs that you may be experiencing emophilia is that you fall in love quickly and immediately become emotionally attached in your relationships before the other person has proven themselves worthy of your affection.”

“Symptoms of emophilia may include ignoring signs or red flags that your partner is toxic or not a good fit for you,” says Le Goy. This can be downright dangerous. She explains, “people who experience this may find that they end up with self-centered or even narcissistic partners because they are not taking the time to evaluate whether the relationship is healthy for them because they are too obsessed with the feeling of being in love and the idealized version of the person.” If you resonate with this in your life, emophilia may be something to consider.

Though people with emophilia don’t always engage in risky behavior, it is a common characteristic of the issue. “This person may also be more likely to engage in risky behavior, such as unprotected sex early in a relationship because of their belief that this person is ‘the one’ and that they are going to be together forever,” Le Goy tells us. Additionally, someone with emophilia might find themselves in a relationship situation that is hard to get out of, as they got in too deep too quickly. Falling in love before discovering that your new partner is dangerous in any way could pose huge risks to your life and wellness.

Understanding the Causes of Emophilia

Unfortunately, there isn’t one simple known cause for emophilia. That said, we do have some ideas about what causes it. “I would not say the cause of emophilia is definitively known but experts think it is linked to imbalances of ‘feel good hormones’ such as dopamine and serotonin,” says Le Goy. People with emophilia can be unfaithful, which could also be caused by the search for feel-good hormones and chasing the rush and excitement of falling in love.

Emophilia may also be related to other personality traits, specifically what is known as the Dark Triad. This is a combination of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. One study noted that “emophilia showed satisfactory discriminant validity (r < 00.40) against the personality traits included.” There is also the potential for people with emophila to not possess any of these traits and personality disorders, but be attracted to others with them.

As far as how common it is, that’s hard to say because there is no specific quantifiable test for it. “I think we all know people who seem to always be in love or have found “the one” and these people might be experiencing emophilia but it is likely on a spectrum and can be either somewhat harmless or very damaging to your personal emotional growth and relationships,” Le Goy tells us.

How Emophilia Affects Relationships

As you may suspect, emophilia can cause romantic relationships to be fraught with problems, and it can make someone jump from one relationship to the next at a high frequency.

The initial rush of feel-good chemicals may not last long enough to sustain a relationship long term, and someone who declared the other person “the one” right from the start might have a complex time getting out of the situation. And because so little screening was done before the relationships became serious, the other person could be problematic in ways that aren’t immediately obvious

Emophilia can affect the length of relationships, making them either too short or too long, neither of which serves the people in them. “It affects relationships by not allowing them to fully develop nor to end if they are not healthy,” says Le Goy.

Beyond that, the relationship may not have the depth it otherwise could. Le Goy explains that “by heightening and falsely exaggerating the relationship connection, people miss out on being realistic, authentic and requiring the same of their partner.”

Take The Healthy Relationship Quiz

Sometimes, it can be hard to tell how your relationship is going from inside of it. If you’re wondering how healthy your dynamic really is, take this free relationship quiz to find out:

This healthy relationship quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.

Strategies for Overcoming Emophilia

It may be helpful to reflect and write out a list of the personal green flags and red flags of qualities you seek in a potential partner. What characteristics are wants or desires—like charisma and beauty—and what traits are non-negotiables and dealbreakers—like active addiction, dishonesty, cruelty, and abusiveness?

It may also be helpful to consider the feedback of trusted loved ones who are looking out for you and your well-being. Sometimes others can see things we can’t, especially for those with a history of emophilia.

It’s important to really get to know someone during the dating process. Be careful not to idealize someone you’ve just met or put them on a pedestal and observe if their actions are consistent over time.

Getting Help

As with any emotional issue, help is available for emophilia. Beginning the process of therapy to understand what causes your behaviors and how you can change them can be invaluable. You can choose to work with whatever type of therapist feels right for you; someone who specializes in relationships and/or attachment can be particularly useful.

Emophilia may be easier to address while you are single, rather than in the intensity of an exciting new romantic relationship or as you are actively looking for a new love interest. By pausing to reflect while single, you can intentionally make and protect time to change your habits and patterns. “People can work on overcoming emophilia by slowing down the process of allowing relationships to become serious and also taking some time to be single and not rush from one relationship into the next,” suggests Le Goy.

Among the lesser-known and less-studied eating disorder behaviors is chew and spit (CHSP) behavior. This behavior consists of chewing a highly palatable and energy-dense food and spitting it out instead of swallowing it.

The intent of chewing and spitting is to enjoy food’s flavor without ingesting calories. CHSP is similar to bingeing because it involves larger than intended quantities of high-calorie foods. It also shares elements of restrictive eating because the food is not actually consumed.

While a 2018 large-scale study published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders showed that the prevalence of CHSP amassed 0.4% of adults (predominantly females), a 2019 study in the Eating Disorders: The Journal of Treatment & Prevention found that CHSP can occur in as many as 12% of adolescents.

Chewing and Spitting in the DSM-V-TR

Initially, spitting was believed to be an alternative to purging. Therefore, the behavior was primarily studied in individuals with bulimia nervosa. In the fourth version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV), chewing and spitting was listed as a potential symptom of eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS).

The diagnosis of EDNOS was replaced with the category of other specified feeding and eating disorder (OSFED) in the DSM-V. However, the DSM-V, nor the latest version of the DSM (DSM-V-TR) does not list CHSP under any single disorder because this behavior may occur across other eating disorder diagnoses.

Potential Causes of CHSP

Eating disorders can impact people from all different walks of life. Research shows that those with a family history of eating disorders are more likely to develop them, but genetics don’t always play a role.

A preoccupation with body image and a desire for control are commonly associated with eating disorders, like CHSP. Other mental disorders like anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, or drug abuse may also accompany disordered eating habits, along with more severe symptoms—including suicidal ideation.

Medical Consequences of CHSP

While it might seem like a relatively benign habit when compared to other disordered behaviors like vomiting, the physical consequences of CHSP can be serious. Some of the health effects of CHSP include:

• Dental problems: Cavities and gum disease result when teeth are exposed to frequent contact with sugary foods.
• Stomach issues: The production of stomach acid is triggered by chewing but then no food is made available for digestion. This could potentially lead to ulcers or acid reflux.
• Weight gain: This is a surprising side-effect of chewing and spitting behavior which researchers suspect relates to overeating later in the day.

Patients should see a medical doctor and a dentist to discuss potential treatment options for gastrointestinal, hormonal, and dental issues. Proper mental health support can help reduce further physical and emotional damage.

Diagnosis and Treatment

The shame and stigma associated with CHSP can be a barrier to seeking treatment. As with other eating disorders, psychotherapy and nutritional counseling can help. Diagnosing an eating disorder requires a health professional to assess the following factors:

• Body image questions, including thoughts and perceptions about food and other possible eating disorder symptoms (like bingeing or misuse of laxatives)
• Current eating habits, including the quantity and variety of foods eaten and meal patterns
• Medical history, including any substance abuse, mental health issues, current medications, and weight changes
• Other lifestyle factors, including exercise habits, menstrual cycle, and stress levels

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be used to address eating disorders including chewing and spitting. Components may include acknowledgment of feelings of shame, challenging of dietary rules, management of emotional distress, and practice of increased flexibility.

Advice for Family Members

If a loved one is displays signs of an eating disorder, it’s helpful to understand which behaviors they are engaging in. You may notice certain symptoms such as:

• Discolored or stained teeth
• Excessive and rigid exercise behaviors
• Fear of eating in public or with others
• Preoccupation with weight and dieting
• Unusual disappearance of food from the pantry
• Wearing baggy clothes to hide appearance
• Weight changes

Chewing and spitting may be a symptom of a larger eating disorder. Speak to your loved one about your concerns and encourage them to accept help from a qualified professional. Avoid providing criticism or judgment, and instead, focus on showing them how much you care about their well-being.