Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

If you’ve experienced loss, disappointment, heartbreak, or trauma, you’ve had well-meaning people say that the pain will fade with time. Does time really heal all wounds, as the popular saying goes?

Time is certainly an important factor when it comes to healing. Although it may take away some of the pain, sorrow, or other negative emotions associated with an experience, time on its own is not a healer.  

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

While the saying suggests that grief and pain tend to lessen with time, evidence suggests that this isn’t necessarily true for everyone.

The nature of the wound itself can affect how time influences healing. In one study, researchers found that time did have an effect on whether people were willing to forgive an interpersonal transgression. As time passed, people became more likely to forgive, suggesting that time played a role in healing the hurt.

However, research has also found that time does not heal all wounds. In one study, bereaved people had high levels of prolonged grief one to two years after a loss.

Adverse childhood experiences, for example, are traumatic events that occur during childhood that have effects that last into adulthood. Such experiences can include things like neglect, abuse, violence, substance use, divorce, and the loss of a loved one. 

These adverse early experiences are linked to later problems, including depression, unemployment, financial difficulties, substance use, and health problems. Despite the passage of time, these wounds leave a lasting mark that time alone does not heal. 

How Time Can Help You Heal

What is time’s actual role in healing? According to licensed psychologist and owner of the Baltimore Therapy Group Heather Z. Lyons, PhD, time essentially equates to opportunity. Therefore, how someone heals over time ultimately depends on how they decide to use that opportunity to shape their present and future circumstances.

She explains that people can use time to gain insight, healthier relationships, and an orientation toward growth. “Some people will use time as an opportunity to collect experiences that orient them toward their values and dilute or challenge difficult experiences,” she says.

For example, people can connect with friends, develop new relationships, or engage in activities they find rewarding to aid in the healing process.

She notes that this is contrasted with rumination, which is reflection that does not integrate thought and emotion.

“Rumination is usually all emotion or all thought. Healthy reflection integrates the two to help people gain new understandings,” she explains, noting that when people ruminate, they usually confirm negative beliefs about themselves or others.

For example, this may include a belief like “I knew he’d leave me, that’s just the way all men are” or “I won’t let my guard down next time so I don’t get hurt.”

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What Can Prevent Healing?

It’s possible (and highly likely) that time will not heal all wounds for several reasons. So, what can prevent someone from healing as time goes on?

The following things may prolong your healing even though a notable amount of time has passed:

• Remaining fixated on something, like how a harsh breakup ended
• Refusing to let go of a betrayal by holding a grudge
• Denial that something has happened
• Not forgiving yourself or a person who was accountable for the wound or trauma
• Not having a solid support system or emotional outlet to express your emotions
• Resorting to unhealthy coping and/or distraction mechanisms
• Relying on drinking or taking drugs to numb pain associated with the event

In addition to ruminating, people can use time to support the limiting beliefs that they have that keep them stuck in a cycle of negative experiences.

“[They] find themselves stuck and living in the past as though no time has elapsed after the experience of a difficult event,” says Lyons. “Of course, some experiences are so traumatic that they leave us scarred for a while, and this scarring is our brain’s way of keeping us healthy,” she says.

How to Promote Healing With Time

Time can help with healing, but there are also things you can do to help ensure that you move forward in a way that brings you greater peace.

Essentially, how you utilize your time directly correlates to how well and quickly you will heal. So let’s take a look at some factors that help facilitate the healing process.

Integrate Lessons You’ve Learned

“People need the opportunity to express their pain in ways that marry insight and emotion,” says Lyons. This could mean creating art based on your experience, making music, creating journal entries, or writing stories.

Honor Your Emotions

Give yourself grace to fully process your emotions. This is especially important after experiencing a traumatic situation, like a breakup, a death, or a physical injury. Release any judgment associated with the experience, and allow yourself to accept and feel whatever comes up for you in order to move past it.

Receive Support

Lyons notes that people benefit from social support. So spend time with those you trust who can offer you emotional support in your time of need. This can be friends, family, or a trained professional, like a therapist or coach.

Align Your Actions With Your Values

“People benefit from engaging in activities that help them live lives aligned with their values,” says Lyons. So pursue the hobbies you enjoy and make new memories doing what you love to help yourself achieve a deeper sense of healing.

Techniques to Speed Up the Recovery Process 

Instead of solely depending on time to heal your wounds, there are other areas that you can focus on to promote healing. To achieve a deeper sense of healing, you can try any or all of the following techniques:

“Time heals all wounds” is one of the most popular sayings, but it may not be completely true. Although time is not exactly a healer, it can have healing purposes. Ultimately, though, it’s up to you to find ways to achieve healing during the time that passes after experiencing a wound or trauma.

If you find it difficult to overcome an experience, consider seeking the help of a therapist or qualified mental health professional. An experienced professional will be able to guide you through the healing process in ways that offer much deeper healing than time alone can offer.

Why do opposites attract? It’s a question you might ask yourself if you’ve ever found yourself drawn to someone completely different than you. The idea that we are drawn to our opposites is mostly a myth.

The reality is that while sometimes we are attracted to people who are significantly different from us, solid relationships tend to be built on shared connections and similarities. Opposities do sometimes attract, especially when in comes to initial sexual chemistry. You can learn from dating someone different from you, but there’s also a lot more potential for conflict.

This article discusses why people who are wildly different from one another find themselves attracted to each other, the pros and cons of dating your opposite, and what really makes a relationship last past that initial phase of attraction.

Why Do We Believe That Opposites Attract?

We’ve heard it again and again. But is there real psychology behind the popular phrase “opposites attract” in relationships?

In old romantic movies that we viewed, we might have seen the good girl attracted to the bad boy. Or we may have a friend, a shy, retiring sort, who is attracted to an outgoing and friendly person. It seems to make sense that they’d be a good match.

For example, if a college student studies day and night in his room and is academically driven, we might set that person up with a more social student who goes out on weekends and gets less than stellar grades. The rationale is clear. 

We reason that the student getting good grades will be a positive influence on the other’s study habits and the social butterfly will draw the other student out of their room for more fun times.

Why Do Opposite Attract in Relationships?

There are a few reasons why you might be drawn to someone different from you.

Excitement

Opposites may attract at first because the other person seems new and exciting. Maybe the object of your attention is a medal-winning professional snowboarder and you are an accountant.

Or perhaps that person who entered the conference room represents something forbidden. He might come from another class, race, or socio-economic background that is different than the kind of partner your family expects you to be with, for example.

Sexual Chemistry

Upon first meeting, the physical chemistry might be off the charts. This might be evidence of lust. Strong sexual desire in and of itself can be healthy. It can also keep the flames of passion stoked in a long-term relationship.

But lust without emotions, intimacy, and commonalities does not make for a healthy long-term relationship. According to scientific studies discussed below, neither does staying with our opposites.

Lack of Early Conflict

After the initial encounter and you’ve both decided to date, the ways you’re both diametrically opposed enhances the appeal of you two as a couple. In the beginning stages, the differences may still seem intriguing. That’s because differences haven’t proven to be obstacles in the relationship yet.

What About Couples With Mismatched Sex Drives?

While sexual satisfaction and frequency contribute to healthy, long-term romantic relationships, partners having different or opposite sexual requirements is common. Past findings linked the mismatch to poorer sexual and relationship outcomes.

But zeroing in on increasing and sustaining desire, and working through differences, was proven to be more important than matching your partner’s desires. Study participants had higher sexual and relationship satisfaction as a result.

Pros and Cons of Dating Your Opposite

Let’s take a look at some of the pros and cons of dating someone who is your opposite.

The Pros of Dating Your Opposite

To be sure, there are benefits of being in a relationship with somebody who is your opposite. For instance, people who have type A personalities might calm down and feel less pressured by coming home to type B personalities with more laid-back traits.

Other ways you may benefit for a while from being with your opposite include:

• Their strengths complement your weaknesses and vice versa
• You’ll get more comfortable with compromise
• You’ll teach each other new things
• You’ll stretch your understanding and empathy muscles
• You’ll keep the passion alive more easily
• You’ll find more balance
• You’ll increase your tolerance level
• You’ll gain more patience

The Cons of Dating Your Opposite

The drawbacks of opposites uniting date back to early research. In one older study, timid, verbally inhibited participants were paired with critical, assertive partners. The study showed that although they might have been attracted at first, the relationship quality suffered as it matured over time. The pairings became unsustainable.

The study consisted of timid, inhibited males alienated by strong critical females. At the time of the study, society’s reluctance to honor assertive females may have come into play (the study was published in 2003).

We also know the limitations of pairing opposites through other studies. For example, if another’s face is similar to your own, you’re more likely to deem that person trustworthy, according to an article published in the journal Psychological Science.

That suggests that if someone looks like us, we are more likely to trust them, and if they don’t appear similar to us, we consider their character not as desirable.

Recently, psychologists analyzed the combined results of over 240 studies in one. They, too, found that similar partnerships scored the highest. Similarities fell into the areas of values, attitudes, personality traits, and interests.

Similarities Foster Stronger Relationships

Michael Kosinki, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business coordinates a global collaboration between more than 100 universities studying Facebook digital footprints of 8 million people. He co-authored a study published in the journal Psychological Science.

By analyzing the digital footprints people left on Facebook—their likes and what they posted about—evidence showed birds of a feather do flock together.

Partners who are opposite to you in certain aspects like in their taste in music or favorite foods can enhance a relationship for sure. And in the short term, opposites can work in relationships.

Just keep in mind that if partners aren’t in alignment regarding many important aspects of a relationship, it just might not last.

Anger is an intense emotion you feel when something has gone wrong or someone has wronged you. It is typically characterized by feelings of stress, frustration, and irritation. Everyone feels anger from time to time. It’s a perfectly normal response to frustrating or difficult situations.

Anger only becomes a problem when it’s excessively displayed and begins to affect your daily functioning and the way you relate with people. Anger can range in intensity, from a slight annoyance to rage. It can sometimes be excessive or irrational. In these cases, it can be hard to keep the emotion in check and could cause you to behave in ways you wouldn’t otherwise behave. 

Characteristics 

When we are angry our body goes through certain biological and physiological changes. Examples of biological changes your body might go through include: 

• Increased energy levels 
• Raised blood pressure 
• Spike in hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline 
• Increase in body temperature  
• Increased muscle tension 

Anger doesn’t look the same in everyone and we all express it in different ways. Some outward characteristics you might notice when you are angry include. 

• Raised voices
• Clenched fists 
• Frowning or scowling 
• A clenched jaw 
• Physically trembling 
• Rapid heartbeats 
• Sweating excessively 
• Pacing excessively 

Complications 

Anger is a completely normal and typically healthy emotion. However, it can be detrimental to both your emotional and physical health when you lose control of it. When you are angry your body goes through some physiological and biological changes.

Your heart rate quickens and your blood pressure spikes. Your body also releases hormones like adrenaline and noradrenaline. Putting your body through these changes often, by repeatedly getting angry, can lead to medical conditions and complications such as:  

Identifying Anger 

Anger doesn’t look the same in everyone as we all express it differently. For some people, screaming might be an outlet for their anger while others might express it by physically hitting an object or even another person.

Anger is a normal human emotion, but it’s important to find healthy ways to express it so as not to alienate people around us. Expressing anger healthily is also important for your mental health. 

Causes 

Anger can be caused by either external or internal influences. A person or an event could make you angry. You could be angry because someone cut in line in front of you in line. You might feel angry when you are emotionally hurt, threatened, in pain, or in a confrontation.

Sometimes we use anger to replace other emotions we would rather not deal with, like emotional pain, fear, loneliness, or loss. In these cases, anger becomes a secondary emotion. Anger could be a reaction to physical pain, a response to feelings of fear, to protect yourself from a perceived attack, or in response to a frustrating situation.

Anger is often caused by a trigger this could be either rational or irrational. Some common triggers that cause anger include: 

• Dealing with the loss of a loved one 
• Losing a job 
• Going through a breakup
• Failing at a job or a task 
• Being fatigued 
• Getting in an accident or getting a condition that causes physical changes in your body (for example, losing your sight or your ability to walk)

Anger could also be a symptom or response to a medical condition. Anger could be a symptom of depression, substance abuse, ADHD, or bipolar disorder. 

Types of Anger

There are three main types of anger. 

• Passive-Aggressive Anger: Here, a person tries to repress their anger to avoid dealing with it but typically ends up expressing it in unhealthy and undermining ways. 
• Assertive Anger: This can be a healthy option for expressing anger. It involves handling anger in a controlled manner by using your words to calmly explain and try to diffuse the situation. Here, anger is expressed in a non-threatening way. 
• Openly Aggressive Anger: This type of anger might be accompanied by physical or verbal aggression such as screaming or hitting things. The aim of this type of anger is typically to hurt the person the anger is directed at emotionally or physically.

Anger can also be expressed in either one of two ways: verbally or nonverbally.

• Verbally: When a person expresses their anger verbally, you are likely to see them raise their voices. They might become insulting and say hurtful things if their anger is directed at another person. 
• Nonverbally: You’ll notice some slight physical changes in a person who expresses their anger nonverbally. They might frown or scowl and clench their jaws and fist. They might also lash out at another person or object, sometimes causing physical damage to the person or object and in some cases even hurting themselves. 

The two ways people express their anger are not mutually exclusive and it’s possible to see a person expressing anger in both ways. 

Treatment 

Anger is a normal emotion we all feel, and for most people, they can find ways to express it in a healthy way. However, some people need treatment. The most common way to treat excessive anger is with therapy.

Therapy

For most people, it’s easy to identify the triggers and emotions behind their anger. But some people experience anger suddenly and intensely without being able to curb it or identify the triggers behind it.

Anger management therapy is used to help you learn healthy ways to cope with the emotion.

Coping 

Finding ways to cope with anger is very important. When we allow anger to take control of our lives, it can affect everything we do. It can damage relationships with our loved ones and cause problems in our workplace. If you’ve been finding it difficult to keep your anger in check in certain situations, here are a couple of coping mechanisms that can help.

• Identify the Cause: The first step to coping with anger is identifying the root cause of your anger. It could be another emotion—maybe one of fear or loneliness. It could be an altercation you had or an unpleasant thought that came to mind.
• Meditate: Meditation is very beneficial in helping to control human emotions. You can start with simple meditation techniques like deep breathing exercises. When faced with a situation that makes you angry, take a second before reacting. You can take several deep breaths to calm yourself or try to count until you feel yourself become calmer. 
• Work Out: Exercising isn’t just great for your physical health—it’s also beneficial for your mental health. It’s also a way to channel out emotions like anger in a useful and productive way. Going for a quick run or swim when you are angry could help defuse the emotion.
• Let It Out: Don’t bottle your anger up. Expressing your anger when you feel it is the healthiest way to get through it. Bottling up the emotion is most likely to cause a sudden and intense outburst when you least expect it. 
• Avoid Triggers: If you are quick to become angry, it’s useful to try to identify and avoid your triggers. If you are often triggered when having a conversation with a particular person or about a particular topic, avoid them or that topic until you’ve learned how to have better control over your anger.

Sexual repression refers to when a person prevents themselves from feeling or experiencing their natural sexual urges and desires. Someone who is repressed sexually will often hold negative ideas toward sex, sometimes considering the act, and everything associated with it, wrong.

Here we take a deeper look into the history of sexual repression, its causes, and signs that may suggest a person is sexually repressed. We also examine how societal systems might contribute to this effect, as well as possible methods to overcome sexual repression.

History of Sexual Repression

Sigmund Freud was one of the earliest thought leaders for sexual repression. He proposed that children as young as six and seven to 10- and 11-year-olds can develop a mental model that causes them to classify sex as disgusting, shameful, and immoral. These feelings may then be concretized in adulthood, causing poor adjustment to sexual feelings and situations.

Because of Freud’s work, it was theorized that many mental illnesses were a result of involuntary sexual repression. Although this thought is considered somewhat out of date, it has helped shape modern psychological theories about sexuality and sexual behaviors.

Causes of Sexual Repression

Sexual repression may be caused by several factors.

Society’s Treatment of Sex

Sex has long been painted as an immoral subject. In societies and communities where it is considered a taboo topic to discuss, sex may only be spoken of in condemnation. This is sometimes the case within religions that restrict sexual expression.  

In human beings, sexual interest may develop from a very young age. Similarly, repulsion to intimate encounters can also begin during adolescence or around the teenage years.

When a young person reaches puberty, their body goes through many changes that trigger curiosity about sex. If their environment treats sex as a taboo subject, they may not feel comfortable asking questions and begin to view sex and sexuality in a negative light. A persistent negative view may lead to sexual repression.

Past Traumatic Encounters

For people who’ve experienced sexual trauma, engaging in sex acts or even thoughts of sex may trigger past traumatic experiences. To keep from being triggered, they might repress their thoughts and desires toward sex, shutting them off.

Signs of Sexual Repression

A person may be sexually repressed without even knowing it. Here are some behaviors that may signal sexual repression.

Discomfort With Sex

One marker of repression is unease around sexual matters. A person may find that they are embarrassed or unable to maintain their composure during talks around sex. A repressed person may also feel anxious before or during sex for no identifiable reason.

Guilt or Shame Following Sex

Repression can take away the joy and pleasure commonly associated with sex. Instead, overwhelming grief may occur when a repressed person gives in to sex or thoughts of being intimate with other people. Tears, shame at submitting to desires, and self-repulsion are all traits associated with sexual repression.

Difficulty Finding Pleasure in Sex

When a person considers sex inappropriate, it can be difficult to appreciate the act. Sexually repressed people will often endure, rather than enjoy intercourse with partners. This can lead to dissatisfaction and unhappiness between sexual partners. It can also form an unhealthy relationship with sex.

Discomfort With Nudity

While people may experience discomfort at looking at naked images for several reasons, this distress may be observed in sexually repressed individuals. Suppressed sexuality can cause a person to view the nude form as immoral or displeasing, also potentially spiking their own self-consciousness and general unhappiness with their appearance.

Consequences of Sexual Repression

When feelings of shame and despair are attached to this natural bodily function, it can produce negative sexual, emotional, and even physical effects. 

Conflicting Feelings Toward Sex

Looking at a partner or someone attractive can produce certain stirrings. Common reactions to these feelings include sexual fantasies or masturbation. Either response is healthy and expected. However, when these reactions are experienced by a person with sexual repression, it can cause confusing feelings.

Repression can cause them to feel shame at the body’s acknowledgment of sexual stimulation. Thoughts of masturbation or engaging in the act can lead to considerable distress. This may spark conflicting feelings toward intimate sexual sessions.

Moral Confusion

When sexual repression is stimulated by religious teachings, having positive responses to sexual scenarios can spur an internal debate that causes the person to question their morals. Because sexual thoughts and feelings are categorized as sin, they may worry about their moral standing.

Pain During Sex

Repression can cause both fear and tension during sex, which can lead to pain during intercourse. For example, for women, tension can manifest as vaginismus—a condition where the vaginal walls tighten in fear of penetration of any kind.

Sexual Performance Issues

Ideally, sex is a no-pressure exercise between willing partners. However, when repression-based guilt and shame rear their head, this can cause strain during intimate moments. Anxiety, embarrassment, or unhappiness at doing something that they consider “wrong” can affect a person’s performance and delight during sex.

Suppressed Sexual Orientation

Within certain religions or communities, the only acceptable form of intercourse is between two people of the opposite sex. Because of this, a person might learn to hate themselves and the feelings they hold for a person of the same gender. 

Being unable to express a natural attraction to others can lead to questions about sexuality. It can also cause disappointment during sexual encounters.

How to Cope With Sexual Repression

A person dealing with sexual repression can eventually find pleasure in sex. Here are a few strategies for coping with repression.

Recognize Repressed Traits

Developing a new attitude toward sex may require accepting previous ideas about sex as unhealthy and unrealistic. It calls for an understanding of how one’s environment can negatively shape the beliefs they hold.

By understanding and learning to accept the different ways that repression can develop, a person can avoid denying its effects. This can be an important first step toward creating healthier sexual beliefs, which can also contribute to a healthier sex life.

Keep Communication Open

Because sexual repression compels strong discomfort around sex, ease is required to undo these feelings. Keeping a partner updated about one’s thoughts and feelings can encourage greater comfort around the subject of sex.

Seek Professional Help

Working with an expert can help with identifying what’s behind a person’s sexual repression, their triggers, and any other factors that encourage its continued effects. In addition to targeting repressed feelings, therapists can share effective strategies for getting comfortable with and enjoying intimate moments. 

Sex therapy can assist individuals and couples as they navigate sexual difficulties. Through expert help, individuals and partners can learn to enjoy intimate moments.