7 Red Flags of a Toxic Boss

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Key Takeaways

  • Keep records of your boss’s unfair criticism, credit-taking, or bad behavior to show HR.
  • Set boundaries with your boss to protect your mental health.
  • Talk to HR or another trusted person at your job if your boss’s behavior becomes intolerable.

How you feel about your job hinges on many factors, from the company culture to coworkers, compensation, and work environment. Sometimes, the biggest challenge isn’t the workload or office politics—it’s your boss. 

A great leader can help you do your best and grow as an employee. Unfortunately, not everyone does this well; some are even downright toxic. A toxic boss can make your work life a waking nightmare and have a profound impact on your happiness, mental health, job satisfaction, and career trajectory.

“Toxic bosses do not consider the well-being or the professional growth of their employees,” says Dr. Paul Losoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Bedrock Psychology Group.

How your boss leads can sometimes mean the difference between loving or dreading your job. Knowing how to spot the red flags of a toxic boss can save you a lot of stress. When you recognize these signs, you can take steps to protect yourself, your well-being, and your career.

Keep reading to learn more about the red flags of a toxic boss and what you can do to cope if the office leader is more of a tyrant than a trusted mentor.

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Signs of a Toxic Boss

Experts have proposed several definitions of toxic leadership. According to one definition, key characteristics include self-centeredness, ethical failures, incompetence, and emotional volatility.

Poor bosses can run the gamut from bullies to micromanagers to poor communicators. So, what are some of the top red flags of a toxic boss? A few signs to watch for include:

They Constantly Criticize Others

Constant criticism is a hallmark of toxicity and dysfunction. Instead of offering helpful, constructive feedback, it might feel like your boss can only point out what you do wrong. They offer little in the way of instruction or support, but always have something negative to say about what you or your coworkers are doing.

Such criticism can chip away at your self-esteem and make you doubt your ability to perform your job well. In some instances, a toxic boss might use such criticism to belittle people. They tear others down as a way to protect their position at the top of the hierarchy.

“A toxic boss uses their power to control employees in an unhealthy way with manipulation, scare tactics, or bullying behavior,” says Dr. Jolie Silva, PhD, a clinical psychologist and chief operating officer at New York Behavioral Health.

Remember, a good boss gives well-rounded feedback. Supportive leaders help build you up instead of tearing you down.

They Take Credit for Others’ Work

Imagine pouring all of your energy into a project only to have your boss take all the credit. This kind of behavior is a glaring red flag of a toxic boss. When someone does this, they aren’t just using your hard work to boost their own career—they are also erasing your contributions and hurting your ability to grow professionally.

Research suggests that credit claiming hurts employee motivation and performance. It can be particularly frustrating when it’s your boss taking credit for your work, since you might feel unable to speak up about this kind of mistreatment.

Stealing the credit for other people’s work indicates a lack of integrity. It’s a sign that your boss values promoting themselves more than they care about the success of the people who keep the entire organization afloat.

This behavior also contributes to a toxic work culture where you feel unappreciated and undervalued. It’s demoralizing and makes it hard to put your heart and soul into your work.

A great boss knows that successful team members are the mark of a great leader. They are eager to recognize your efforts, reward your success, and allow you to enjoy the spotlight.

They Don’t Respect Their Team

Healthy work relationships are rooted in respect and trust. If your boss consistently shows a lack of respect for you or others in the workplace, it’s a sign of a toxic dynamic that can undermine your happiness and ability to work productively.

Signs of poor respect include dismissing your ideas, interrupting you when you speak, or showing a general disregard for your input. Such behavior is often a sign that they don’t value you as a team member.

They Micromanage Every Detail

Great bosses know how to offer mentorship and guidance while still allowing people to work independently. Micromanaging, on the other hand, is often a sign of mistrust and can often be a red flag of a toxic boss. 

“Micromanaging is often considered toxic because it shows a lack of trust in employees, strips away autonomy, and creates an atmosphere of constant scrutiny or criticism,” Dr. Losoff explains. “This can heighten anxiety, diminish motivation, and prevent employees from developing their full capabilities.”

When you feel like your boss is always hovering over your shoulder and checking up on every minor detail of your work, it makes it hard to perform your best and utilize your expertise. At worst, it can create a sense of anxiety and intense pressure that becomes utterly overbearing. 

They Play Favorites

Toxic bosses may play favorites within the team, blatantly giving preferential treatment to certain employees based on their own biases. This can create a tense dynamic that pits employees against one another.

Signs that your boss might be playing favorites include giving their favorite employees:

  • First dibs on desirable tasks or projects
  • Excessive praise, recognition, or positive feedback
  • Access to information that others are excluded from
  • Better working conditions, more flexible schedules, or other benefits
  • Social privileges outside of the workplace
  • Greater visibility during meetings

Unequal treatment also undermines your ability to access different opportunities to advance your career. When you aren’t part of your boss’s “inner circle,” you might feel ostracized, demotivated, and even discriminated against.

They Don’t Listen and Won’t Accept Feedback

Another red flag of a toxic boss is the inability (or outright refusal) to listen and accept input. When leaders ignore feedback, shut down ideas, or make decisions accepting other ideas, it’s often a sign of authoritarian leadership.

Such leaders have a “my way or the highway” approach to management. They tend to rule teams using fear and intimidation and aren’t willing to listen to team members’ ideas.

They Are Disengaged and Lack Initiative

Sometimes, people find themselves in leadership roles even though they lack the skills or initiative to take the helm and guide the group toward their goals. These bosses can be toxic simply because they are not interested in giving direction or taking responsibility.

If your boss is laissez-faire to the point that they seem to have checked out and delegated virtually all of their responsibilities to others, it can create a dysfunctional situation.

A hands-off approach may work for groups where each person has a strong sense of direction, doesn’t need a lot of feedback, and is an expert in their role, but it can create a toxic situation when roles are unclear, and no one is sure what they are supposed to be doing.

In such cases, team members may end up engaging in power struggles to fill in the void left by a disengaged boss.

Impact of a Toxic Boss

Having a toxic boss isn’t just a minor annoyance–it’s something that can have ripple effects throughout your professional and personal life, including your health and well-being. You’re less likely to feel satisfied with your job, and dealing with a toxic supervisor can eventually start to grind away at your confidence and self-worth.

“Toxic leaders are damaging to mental well-being because of the impact they can have on a number of areas important to the working experience of an employee. From their feelings of value and competence to their perception of their social standing and connection with colleagues,” explains Ella Washington, PhD, an organizational psychologist and professor at Georgetown University. 

Toxic bosses tend to result in:

  • High employee turnover
  • Poor job satisfaction
  • Anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues
  • Increased burnout
  • Terrible work-life balance
  • Weak office morale
  • Reduced productivity
  • Impaired reputation
  • Legal issues

Dr. Ella Washington, PhD

Toxic leaders contribute to an environment where an employee doesn’t see the best in themselves, feels inadequate, or has unrealistic expectations placed upon them— such as working until they burn out. All of these extremes can cause feelings of insecurity and instability leading to mental unwellness.

Toxic bosses take a toll on individuals, but their damaging behavior can also be costly for businesses and organizations. Poor leadership weakens productivity, impairs progress, and can lead to costly mistakes. It can also create legal issues for businesses if these bosses engage in harassment or discrimination.

Strategies for Dealing With a Toxic Boss

So, what can you do to cope with a toxic boss? While you might be tempted to quit, that isn’t always necessary (or possible). Fortunately, there are several steps you can take to deal with this type of boss:

Document Everything

The first step is to start keeping detailed records of your interactions. In particular, be sure to note instances of unfair criticism, credit-taking, or inappropriate behavior. Having a record of what’s happened can be invaluable if you decide to escalate the issue to HR or higher management.

Set Clear Boundaries

Establishing boundaries with a toxic boss is an important step for protecting your mental health. Be polite when communicating your limits, but make it clear that you are not willing to engage in unethical behaviors or deal with work-related tasks during your non-working hours (unless it’s a true emergency).

Suggest Solutions

Dr. Washington suggests looking for ways to propose changes to your boss’s toxic behavior. 

“For example, if your toxic boss struggles with clarity around new projects, ask to implement pre-meetings for major projects where you can get your questions answered. If your boss struggles with micromanaging, suggest using a shared document to maintain visibility on key information,” she suggests.

Have an Honest Conversation

If that doesn’t seem feasible, Dr. Washington recommends having an honest conversation with your boss. 

“You don’t want to be accusatory, instead, focus the conversation on the things that may be lacking in your experience,” she says. 

For example, you might need more consistent feedback on your performance or prefer it in a different format.

“Whatever the case may be, clearly identifying the gap and recommending a change that you would like to see is a strong way to start the conversation around issues that may be impacting your wellness,” Dr. Washington explains.

Stay Professional

This can sometimes be really tough, but it’s important to maintain a professional demeanor at all times. Don’t gossip about your employer’s behavior with others. Stay calm during interactions and avoid lashing out when your emotions are high.

Talk to HR

Sometimes, there’s only so much you can do on your own. If your boss’s behavior becomes intolerable or has crossed the line into harassment, discrimination, or abuse, it’s important to report it to your company’s human resources department.

“I would encourage the person to speak to another trusted professional at their job, like human resources personnel or another supervisor, about what they have experienced with their boss,” Dr. Silva suggests.

Be sure to provide your documentation of the specific instances and behaviors that have caused the problem, and be sure to articulate the impact these actions have had on your mental state and well-being.

Consider Other Options

If you’ve tried other solutions and haven’t found a resolution, it may be time to consider some other options. Quitting might be an option if you are comfortable looking for a new job and have the financial cushion you need to leave your current job safely. 

“If the boss’s behavior and work climate does not change, I would ask the person to weigh the pros and cons of staying in that position and encourage them to consider exploring other job opportunities,” Dr. Silva says.

Another option is to talk to your employer about other opportunities that might be available within your organization. Transferring to another department or shifting to a role that involves less contact with the toxic individual might help you feel safer and happier.

Toxic Boss Examples

Sometimes it’s easy to spot a toxic boss, but there are times when such behaviors might be harder to detect–especially if they engage in manipulative behaviors, are covert narcissists, or gaslight their employees to cover up their destructive actions.

Some examples of toxic bosses include:

The Boss Who Watches Every Move You Make

A boss who tries to control every aspect of your work, micromanaging you to the point that it feels like you can’t do anything without asking for their input. You might feel like they are always checking up on you. They demand frequent updates and give you excessively detailed instructions for even the most basic, minor tasks.

Micromanaging can be considered a toxic behavior in leaders and often gives employees the impression that they are not trusted, reliable, or proficient at their job.

Such behaviors leave you feeling like you have no autonomy at work—and may even make you feel like you can’t make decisions on your own.

The Boss Who Ignores Your Contributions

Another example of a toxic boss is one who assigns work but then presents the results as their own. They don’t bother to acknowledge your work and ignore the contributions that you’ve made. They end up looking good to others while leaving you ignored.

This can be devastating–not only for your self-esteem but also for your ability to advance your career and gain professional recognition.

The Boss Who Is Never Around

One example of a more subtle form of toxic behavior is what you might refer to as the “ghost” boss. This boss tends to dump work on your lap, promises to be there to help or offer support, but fails to respond to questions or requests for assistance. 

This type of laissez-faire leadership can be confusing, particularly if it involves a situation where you need more support and mentorship to get the task done. You might feel ignored, and their failure to engage ends up making you look bad when things don’t go according to plan.


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Family Systems Therapy: Definition and Efficacy

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Key Takeaways

  • Family systems therapy treats the family as a unit and sees how everyone is affected when one person has a problem.
  • It’s based on key concepts like triangles, differentiation, and family projection, which help understand family dynamics.
  • Families use techniques like couples therapy and psychoeducation to improve communication and support each other.

Family systems therapy is a form of psychotherapy that treats the family as a unit. It’s based on the premise that, when something affects one member, it affects every other family member as well; likewise, the strength and stability of a family unit can provide support when one member needs help. Family systems therapy also focuses on the generational, social, community, and cultural factors that influence individuals and families. 

This article discusses how family systems therapy works, what it can help with, its effectiveness, and things to consider and expect.

Key Concepts of Family Systems Therapy

Family systems therapy is based on the work of Murray Bowen, a psychoanalyst who developed the approach based on eight interlocking concepts:

  1. Triangles: A three-person relationship system acts as a building block for other emotional systems.
  2. Differentiation of the self: The ability to maintain individuality. People with high levels of differentiation can pursue goals independently, whereas those with poor differentiation rely on validation from others.
  3. Nuclear family emotional process: This refers to the family’s emotional interactions. Patterns can include marital conflict, dysfunction in a spouse, impairment of one or more children, and emotional distance.
  4. Family projection process: Parents sometimes transmit their problems and anxieties to their children, affecting their development and creating emotional problems for other family members.
  5. Multigenerational transmission process: People choose partners with similar levels of differentiation as themselves. Subsequent generations then show progressively lower levels of differentiation.
  6. Emotional cutoff: To manage conflicts within a family, some members distance or cut themselves off from other members. Curtailing relationships without resolving conflict can add pressure and stress to future relationships.

  7. Sibling position: Bowen believed that birth order affects parental expectations, sibling relationships, parental discipline patterns, and other family dynamics.
  8. Societal emotional process: Many things that affect families also affect societies. In turn, societal attitudes, cultural shifts, and conflicts affect families.

Recap

Exploring these eight principles can help families establish healthy boundaries, create positive relationships, adopt positive communication patterns, and improve the functioning of individuals and families alike.

Techniques of Family Systems Therapy

Family system theory suggests that individuals are inextricably interconnected to their relationship networks. Bowen believed that understanding these networks and the patterns of communication and conflict within them was essential to address individual problems.  

Therapies based on this theory employ various techniques to help individuals and the entire family unit, depending on the family’s needs.

  • Couples therapy: Conflict affects the entire family. Couples therapy helps partners resolve conflict and improve communication.
  • Intergenerational family therapy: This helps families recognize patterns acquired from previous generations and learn new ways of interacting. 
  • Narrative therapy: The participant develops a story of their life that helps them understand their experiences, behaviors, and roles. 
  • Psychoeducation: Family members learn about mental health and treatment so they can respond effectively and empathetically when another family member faces a mental health condition.
  • Structural family therapy: When people understand how their family is structured, they can work toward improving as needed and communicating more effectively.
  • Strategic family therapy: This determines interventions to address the family’s unique issues. 

Recap

Family systems therapy sometimes draws on other types of therapies and techniques such as couples counseling, psychological education, and other family-based interventions.

What Family Systems Therapy Can Help With

Therapy focused on families can help with many group and member issues, such as:

  • Addiction and substance abuse problems
  • Anger management problems
  • Anxiety
  • Bipolar disorder
  • Challenges caused by things such as divorce, job loss, or financial difficulties
  • Depression
  • Dysfunctional relationships
  • Eating disorders
  • Infidelity and divorce
  • Parenting issues and conflicts
  • Personality disorders
  • Stress and trauma

It also can help address conflict in relationships among siblings, parents, and children, Families and members dealing with life changes, chronic health conditions, and similar challenges often benefit from family systems therapy.

For individual mental health problems, family systems therapy often looks at how the family contributes to the onset or persistence of such conditions. If one member has a substance use disorder, for example, this type of therapy can help other members understand concepts such as codependent relationships that enable addiction.

When family members learn about factors within the family that are related to the problem, they can then work to change their roles, communication styles, and behaviors to support one another more effectively.

Benefits of Family Systems Therapy

By improving behavioral, emotional, and psychological functioning, family systems therapy can address a wide range of symptoms or difficulties, among them:

  • Better-functioning families: Family systems therapy helps families work in many ways. Some mental health issues respond well, family support systems often improve, and family members often gain the empathy and support they need.
  • Stronger connections: Family systems therapy promotes openness, empathy, and honesty in families, strengthens relationships, and improves communication,
  • More cohesiveness: Each person works individually and collaboratively to develop solutions that make the team stronger and healthier.
  • Healthier communication: Communication problems, power imbalances, and dysfunctional patterns are identified and addressed, clearing the way for stronger relationships.
  • Cost-effective: Family therapy services were the least expensive option in a 2013 study comparing the cost of marriage and family therapy to that of individual therapy.

Family systems therapy helps prevent long-term problems by supporting families during challenges and changes. Other important benefits include strengthening relationships, improving communication patterns, increasing resilience, and encouraging supportive family networks.

Effectiveness

Research suggests that family systems therapy can be an effective treatment for conditions including substance use disorders, depression, child and adolescent behavior problems, and relationship issues.

It can be effective on its own or when used as part of a multimodal treatment program for both children and adults. Attachment problems in children, eating disorders in adolescents, and relationship distress in adults are among the many issues it can address. It can strengthen family support when individuals are facing serious health issues. It’s used effectively along with treatments for substance abuse in teens and adults.

Recap

Research supports the efficacy of family-based interventions for a number of mental health concerns including depression, substance use disorder, relationship problems, and other mental disorders in both children and adults.

Things to Consider

Because family systems therapy focuses on relationships among family members, the entire family must work together during therapy. This can be challenging when family members are reluctant, ambivalent, or resistant to treatment.

Family systems therapists remain neutral throughout treatment. This can be challenging for family members who want the therapist to provide feedback or challenge problematic behavior. From the perspective of some family members, this neutrality can seem like implied approval of certain behaviors.

How to Get Started

Begin by looking for a licensed, experienced therapist with a background in family systems therapy. Check online for a nearby therapist, or ask your primary care physician for a referral. Tele-health and remote services offer therapy via phone calls, text messages, video chats, online meetings, apps, and websites and apps Text-based and online therapy are convenient options.

Ask a potential therapist about their training, credentials, experience in relevant areas, typical approaches, and accepted insurances. 

During your first session, your therapist will gather information about your family, problems, goals, history, relationships, and communication style.

Family therapy typically lasts an average of 12 sessions, depending on the family’s needs.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

  1. The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Learn about Bowen theory.

  2. The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Social emotional process.

  3. Miklowitz DJ, Chung B. Family-focused therapy for bipolar disorder: reflections on 30 years of research. Fam Process. 2016;55(3):483-499. doi:10.1111/famp.12237

  4. Cluxton-Keller F, Bruce ML. Clinical effectiveness of family therapeutic interventions in the prevention and treatment of perinatal depression: A systematic review and meta-analysis. PLoS One. 2018;13(6):e0198730. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0198730

  5. Varghese M, Kirpekar V, Loganathan S. Family interventions: basic principles and techniques. Indian J Psychiatry. 2020;62(Suppl 2):S192-S200. doi:10.4103/psychiatry.IndianJPsychiatry_770_19

  6. Distelberg B, Williams-Reade J, Tapanes D, Montgomery S, Pandit M. Evaluation of a family systems intervention for managing pediatric chronic illness: Mastering Each New Direction (MEND). Fam Process. 2014;53(2):194-213. doi:10.1111/famp.12066

  7. (Crane DR, Christenson JD, Dobbs SM, Schaalje GB, Moore AM, Pedal FF, Ballard J, Marshall ES. Costs of treating depression with individual versus family therapy. J Marital Fam Ther. 2013;39(4):457-69. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00326.x

  8. About Families. Systemic therapy: what difference does systemic therapy make to the outcomes for children and families?

  9. Carr A. Evidence for the efficacy and effectiveness of systemic family therapy. In: Wampler KS, McWey LM, eds. The Handbook of Systemic Family Therapy. 1st ed. Wiley; 2020:119-146. doi:10.1002/9781119438519.ch6

  10. Rowe CL. Family therapy for drug abuse: review and updates 2003-2010. J Marital Fam Ther. 2012;38(1):59-81. doi:10.1111/j.1752-0606.2011.00280.x

  11. Slesnick N, Zhang J. Family systems therapy for substance-using mothers and their 8- to 16-year-old children. Psychol Addict Behav. 2016;30(6):619-629. doi:10.1037/adb0000199

  12. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Marriage and family therapist: the family-friendly mental health professionals.

Kendra Cherry

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”


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Mental Health Benefits, Side Effects, and More

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Key Takeaways

  • Rhodiola is an adaptogen that helps the body manage stress and fatigue.
  • Rhodiola may reduce symptoms of depression with fewer side effects than some medications.
  • The recommended adult dosage for Rhodiola is 100 to 300 milligrams daily, but it’s not for long-term use.

Rhodiola rosea, also known as golden root, rose root, or arctic root, is a plant from Siberia that grows well in dry and cold arctic climates. It is frequently used in Chinese medicine. The medicinal compounds of Rhodiola rosea come from the root of the plant and have been used to help treat occasional stress, anxiety, mental and physical fatigue, and depressed mood.

Verywell / Jessica Olah


Uses of Rhodiola

Rhodiola has been used for centuries as an herbal medicine to treat a variety of ailments. Research suggests it may aid the following:

Mental and Physical Health Benefits of Rhodiola

Rhodiola rosea has been classified by some researchers as an adaptogen. Adaptogens are plants that help make the body less prone to physical and emotional stress.

Research has shown that Rhodiola may stimulate serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine activity. The proper balance of these neurotransmitters is believed to be involved in healthy emotional and neurological functioning.

However, more research is needed to confirm the efficacy of Rhodiola supplements.

Treats Depression Symptoms

Rhodiola has antidepressant properties. In a study that compared the effects of Rhodiola and the effects of Zoloft (sertraline), researchers found that both medicines reduced symptoms of depression. However, Rhodiola was better tolerated and produced fewer side effects.

Reduces Stress and Fatigue

Rhodiola is an adaptogen, a type of plant that helps guide the body’s physiological reaction to stress. In other words, it contains properties that help the body manage stress more resourcefully and regulate heart rhythm.

Rhodiola may help improve your body’s resilience when facing life stressors, fatigue, and burnout.

Boosts Physical Performance

Rhodiola improves antioxidant activity in the body, and it has been used for centuries to improve physical strength, endurance, and longevity.

Helps with Sexual Dysfunction

Studies have found that Rhodiola may help reduce signs of sexual dysfunction in women and men (such as erectile dysfunction).

May Help Treat Aging-Related Illnesses

Because of its anti-aging and neuroprotective properties, research suggests that Rhodiola may be an effective treatment to slow the progression of illnesses such as Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, cerebrovascular disease, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease.

May Help Fight Certain Cancers

Its anti-cancer properties may even make Rhodiola an effective treatment for cancers that occur most often in older people, such as cancer of the bladder, breast, colon, kidney, lung, and prostate.

However, more research is needed to understand its effectiveness as a treatment for these conditions.

Possible Side Effects of Rhodiola

Side effects of Rhodiola rosea are generally rare and mild to moderate. They may include:

  • Dizziness
  • Drowsiness
  • Dry mouth or excessive saliva production
  • Headache
  • Sleep disruption
  • Stomach upset

You may experience drowsiness if you combine Rhodiola with benzodiazepines, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), or serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs).

There are no known risks associated with Rhodiola rosea; however, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration does not regulate the production of herbs and supplements. Most herbs and supplements are not thoroughly tested, and there is no guarantee regarding the ingredients or safety of the products.

Interactions and Contraindications of Rhodiola

Rhodiola may cause a rapid heart rate if taken with prescription antidepressants. In people with diabetes who take insulin or other drugs, caution should be exercised as Rhodiola may lower blood sugar levels.

People with low blood pressure who take Rhodiola must be cautious that their blood pressure doesn’t become too low (as Rhodiola may lower blood pressure). Rhodiola may increase the effects of drugs such as warfarin and anti-inflammatory drugs.

Rhodiola may prevent immunosuppressants from working (such as those taken for multiple sclerosis).

Not Recommended For:

  • Children
  • People with autoimmune disorders
  • Women who are pregnant or breastfeeding

If you have any pre-existing health conditions, especially those stated above, talk to a doctor prior to taking Rhodiola.

Dosage and Preparations of Rhodiola

Rhodiola is most commonly available as a supplement (capsules) or in liquid form (tinctures or extracts). Some herbal teas also contain Rhodiola, which may be dried, preserved, and brewed as an herbal tea.

The recommended adult dosage for the capsule form of Rhodiola rosea is 100 to 300 mg daily. However, various strengths are available (from 100 to 600 mg). Rhodiola supplements have been used safely in studies lasting 6 to 12 weeks; however, Rhodiola is not recommended for long-term use as its long-term effects aren’t well known.

You should read the product label about the proper dosage and consult a healthcare provider to get personalized recommendations.

What to Look for in Rhodiola Supplements

If you choose to buy a Rhodiola supplement (or any supplement), the National Institutes of Health (NIH) recommends that you look for a Supplement Facts label on your product. This label will contain vital information including the amount of active ingredients per serving, and other added ingredients like fillers, binders, and flavorings.

Rhodiola is not FDA approved, so it’s important to be careful when purchasing to ensure a product’s purity. Consult with a doctor to get recommended brand that’s safe.

The NIH also recommends that you look for a product that contains a seal of approval from a third party organization that provides quality testing. These organizations include U.S. Pharmacopeia, ConsumerLab.com, and NSF International.

A seal of approval from one of these organizations does not guarantee the product’s safety or effectiveness but it does provide assurance that the product was properly manufactured, contains the ingredients listed on the label, and does not contain harmful levels of contaminants.

Frequently Asked Questions


  • Are there other natural products that people use to treat social anxiety?

    There are other products that are sometimes used to manage stress and anxiety. Not all of them have been studied enough to know if they provide a significant benefit. The most common supplements include:


  • Is it OK to take Rhodiola every day?

    It depends. The effects of Rhodiola supplements have been measured for time periods ranging from 6 to 12 weeks. While some take Rhodiola one to two times daily during the period of use, Rhodiola is not recommended for long-term use.


  • What does Rhodiola do for your body?

    Rhodiola is an adaptogen that may help your body resist physical and mental stress. It may help reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety, prevent stress, promote physical strength, and more.


  • Is Rhodiola the same as ashwagandha?

    No, but ashwagandha is an herbal medicine and adaptogen—like Rhodiola. Ashwagandha may help with some of the same health issues that Rhodiola does, such as stress and anxiety. Ashwagandha, like Rhodiola, has anti-cancer and anti-inflammatory properties.


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Coping With Political Differences in Your Romantic Relationship

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • It’s important to have brainstorming sessions to find common ground without judgment.
  • If your political beliefs are hurting your relationship, it’s time to talk openly with your partner.
  • You can ask genuine questions to promote critical thinking if your partner is influenced by propaganda.

From the elections to navigating a global pandemic, relationships have been more strained by political differences than ever in recent years. Political differences in your relationship don’t have to mean it’s the end, but you may need to find ways to “find common ground” if your partner views the world differently.

If you’ve found yourself in the middle of a political disagreement in your relationship, it can be hard to know where to turn. Verywell Mind spoke with Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT, a relationship therapist and author of the book First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love, to find out more about how couples can work past political differences.

In this interview, Chlipala explains how couples can handle it when one person’s views have changed over time and offers insight into how to know if it’s time to end the relationship.

How to Talk With Your Partner About Differing Political Beliefs

If you’re looking to find common ground or just want to better understand your partner’s side of the political spectrum, it’s best to be honest and upfront about your expectations from the beginning of your relationship.

Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT

It may take more than one conversation, I recommend [having] brainstorming sessions where you throw out ideas without judgment. Both of you can determine what your areas of flexibility are and see if any overlap to determine common ground.

— Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT

In other words, while you and your partner may never agree with one another 100% of the time, there are still ways for you both to bring your beliefs to the table with mutual respect.

When Your Partner’s Views Have Changed Over Time

One of the hardest aspects of long-term relationships is watching a person grow in a way that does not follow your own beliefs. While it’s an important detail to take note of, it does not always mean that you’re nearing the end of the relationship.

“It’s inevitable for people to grow and change, and couples need to be flexible to accommodate the ways that their partner changes throughout their relationship,” says Chlipala.

While you need to make sure that your partner’s beliefs have not veered in a direction that could cause anyone harm, focus your energy on understanding. Make it clear that honesty and vulnerability are your priorities.

Chlipala says that the same goes for the person whose views have changed—they need to be mindful that their partner can’t be expected to suddenly be on the same page.

Studies have shown that when people differ in their political views, including how they vote, it can negatively affect a relationship. This is true for friends, family, and romantic partners. However, research has also suggested that some relationships are resilient to many stressors, including opposing politics.

Finding Common Ground

Finding common ground may feel impossible, but if you are with a partner that you love, it’s worth aiming for. Chlipala suggests couples spend time trying to understand the other person’s point of view. However, that does not mean that you need to agree with them. Chlipala suggests asking your partner a few questions that will hopefully help you understand why they believe what they believe:

  • What does your position mean to you? 
  • What values/experiences have led you to feel and think this way? 
  • What is your ideal dream? 
  • What do you want/need? 

These questions can help you identify common ground and build on it. “Sometimes people think they’re farther apart than they really are,” says Chlipala. “Through conversations, talk about your values and how your political view influences your day-to-day life.”

See if you can find some middle ground, too. Having different political views won’t necessarily affect your relationship or day-to-day life.

When Political Beliefs Are Hurting Your Relationship

If your political beliefs are starting to interfere with your relationship, it’s time to talk to your partner about it. If you’ve already talked and tried to work out your differences, you may need to be honest about whether you can be together.

According to Pew Research, most Americans are fine with people in their family having different political views. According to data from 2014, about 9% of Americans said they would not be happy if a family member married a Republican, and 8% felt that way about a family member marrying a Democrat.

Chlipala says it’s time to consider ending the relationship “if you feel criticized or feel like your partner has contempt toward you, and they are unwilling to accept your perspective.”

Make note if you’re constantly criticizing your partner or vice versa. If you’re the one criticizing, tell your partner that you’ve recognized it and that you’re taking accountability for your behavior. If they’re the ones criticizing and they don’t see it, you may need to be the one to point it out.

“Criticism and contempt are toxic relationship behaviors, and if they aren’t stopped, [they] can create irreparable damage,” says Chlipala. “Also, if your non-negotiables oppose each other and you and your partner exhausted all options in terms of trying to find [a] middle ground, [it might be time to consider breaking up].”

Make sure you’re honest with your partner, even if you feel like they won’t accept what you’re saying.

“Sometimes, people can minimize or hide what they really need because they don’t want to lose a relationship,” says Chlipala. “It’s important that the person you are dating knows the real you, even if it means that your stance is a deal-breaker for them.”

Political differences in a relationship can go deeper when they also reflect deep division in your values, beliefs, and worldviews. If you find that your differences with your partner are truly irreconcilable, you’ll need to consider the possibility that the relationship can’t be saved.

If Your Partner Has Been Manipulated By Propaganda

If your partner is suddenly acting out in ways that are negatively affecting their life beyond your relationship, the situation might be more serious. 

What to Look Out For

There are potential warning signs that your partner is being influenced by propaganda:

  • Your partner suddenly integrating politics into more and more conversations
  • Your partner exhibits anger in a way that feels unnecessary or frightening
  • They are spending an increasing amount of time alone in chat rooms, watching videos, or reading message boards surrounding their newfound ideas
  • Your partner starts to make friends with other people online, or people with whom their only commonality is their political beliefs
  • Your partner starts to mention conspiracy theories regularly

Propaganda works because something about the message communicates with people’s inner hopes or fears. You need to keep this in mind when you’re communicating with your partner about their beliefs.

In the book Beyond Your Bubble: How to How to Connect Across the Political Divide, Skills and Strategies for Conversations That Work, Tania Isreal describes how to start conversations that promote understanding:

  • Do not shame them: Don’t make your partner feel ignorant for believing propaganda.
  • Do not overwhelm them with counterevidence: It might be tempting to send article links that you think debunk their beliefs, but this is not the best way to start a real conversation.
  • Do ask genuine questions that promote critical thinking: Instead of telling your partner they’re wrong, ask questions that you have about some of their beliefs that you find questionable. Tell them you’d be receptive to hearing more about it but ask them to have the same level of openness.

There are also some practical things to think about before having a conversation that could quickly become emotionally charged.

First, find a place to talk where you both feel safe and at ease. Then, make sure you choose a time when you’re both in the right headspace.

You can set some rules and boundaries about talking politics. For example, you may want to avoid having a conversation if you’ve both had a stressful day, neither of you slept well, or you just had drinks at dinner.

If you don’t feel like the conversation will be productive or you’re concerned about it escalating, it might be time to reach out to a professional for support.

Going to therapy with your partner gives you a neutral, safe space to talk. You’ll also get some outside insight into whether your relationship can withstand the differences and learn tools you can use to work through the challenges.


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Causes, Effects, and How to Treat

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Key Takeaways

  • Loss of appetite can be caused by medical conditions, mental health issues, or medications.
  • When appetite loss lasts longer than a few days, you should contact a doctor.

Food gives your body the energy it needs to stay healthy. Your brain and your gut work together to determine when you need to eat and when you’re full. When you have no appetite, it could be a sign that there may be something wrong.

In many cases, not feeling hungry is a temporary problem often caused by an acute illness. However, persistent loss of appetite can be a serious symptom of a medical or mental health condition. Keep reading to learn reasons why you might have no appetite, as well as ways to treat this issue.

Medical Conditions That Cause Loss of Appetite

The loss of appetite isn’t usually a primary condition. Instead, it’s a symptom of another issue. Sometimes, the cause is fleeting, such as in the case of a stomach bug. But at other times, it can be longer-lasting and may require treatment.

  • Aging: Appetite often changes with age. Older people may lack interest in food due to changing taste buds, dementia, health problems, medication side effects, or mental health problems. Sometimes elderly people eat less because they’ve decreased their activity level and have fewer caloric needs.
  • Anemia: Anemia occurs when there is an abnormally low level of blood cells. Loss of appetite and weight loss can both be signs of anemia, especially if these symptoms are combined with fatigue.
  • Cancer: Appetite loss is common among individuals with cancer. It may be directly linked to the illness, especially when associated with cancers of the digestive tract, like stomach or pancreatic cancer, but it can also appear with lung or ovarian cancers. Appetite loss may also be a side effect of cancer treatments.
  • Diabetes: Individuals with diabetes may not feel hungry for several reasons. Sometimes, diabetes causes a condition in which food moves too slowly through the digestive tract. Untreated high blood sugar may also cause high levels of ketones to build in the blood and urine.

  • Hypothyroidism: Hypothyroidism may suppress the desire to eat. It may also lead to weight gain, despite fewer calories being consumed.
  • Infections: There are a variety of stomach bugs that lead to appetite loss. A cold, the flu, or other infections may also affect a person’s desire to eat. When the infection clears, the appetite returns.
  • Medication: Although many medications may lead to decreased appetite, sleeping pills, antibiotics, blood pressure medications, diuretics, anabolic steroids, and painkillers are among the most common. They may cause nausea and fatigue as well.
  • Pain: Severe pain can cause you to feel too sick to eat. Migraine, stomach pain, or other types of pain may cause you to lose interest in food.
  • Pregnancy: Expectant mothers may experience nausea and loss of appetite, especially early on in pregnancy.
  • Stomach issues: Stomach issues, especially digestive conditions like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and Crohn’s disease, may decrease appetite.

Mental Health Conditions That Cause Loss of Appetite

There are several mental health conditions that may also affect your appetite. Anything from increased stress or grief to a diagnosable mental illness may cause you to lose your desire to eat. Improving your psychological well-being can improve your appetite.

Here are some of the most common psychological reasons people lose their appetite:

  • Anxiety: Some people with anxiety become so overwhelmed with worry that they lose their desire to eat.
  • Depression: Individuals with clinical depression may lose interest in everything—including food. They may lack the energy to prepare meals and have little interest in eating. People with depression may also experience nausea.
  • Stress: The body’s physical response to acute stress often suppresses appetite (although some people experience the opposite effect—they overeat when stressed out). Physical symptoms associated with stress are common, such as nausea or the sensation of a “knot in the stomach,” which makes food unappealing.
  • Substance Use: While some people gain weight from their substance use, others lose it. Drug or alcohol use may decrease an individual’s appetite.

If you’ve lost your appetite for a few days, there is likely nothing to worry about. It’s normal to experience minor fluctuations in appetite over time. But if it lasts more than a few days, or if it is accompanied by other symptoms such as fatigue, pain, or vomiting, contact your physician.

How To Treat Loss of Appetite

The treatment for the loss of appetite depends on the cause. Your physician will likely ask questions about how often you eat, how you feel after eating, whether your weight has changed, or how long your appetite has been an issue.

Your physician may choose to run tests, such as blood tests or an ultrasound of your stomach, depending on the initial impressions from your interview and physical exam. These tests can help identify the root cause of your loss of appetite.

When loss of appetite is part of a more serious illness, good nutrition and maintaining a healthy weight may be very important to healing. Therefore, a physician may make it a top priority to help you get your appetite back as soon as possible.

Depending on the diagnosis, your physician may recommend the following treatments:

Sometimes, you may be referred to a dietitian who can assist you with meal planning and symptom management. You might be asked to eat several small meals each day or to cut out certain foods while adding others. A dietitian can also advise you on nutritional supplements that may help you get all the nutrients you need.

Coping with a Loss of Appetite

When you don’t feel like eating, try consuming bland foods like:

  • Bananas
  • Bread
  • Broth-based soups
  • Cooked veggies
  • Hot cereal
  • Milk or other dairy products
  • Rice

Sweet potatoes and soft-boiled eggs are also both easy-to-eat, nutrient-dense options. Shakes, smoothies, and juices can be an additional way to consume calories and nutrients if you are not up to eating a meal.

Effects of Untreated Loss of Appetite

Temporarily losing your appetite is unlikely to cause serious problems, and it will often resolve on its own. However, failing to treat a longer-term loss of appetite can have several serious health consequences.

Some potential complications you might experience if your loss of appetite is not adequately addressed include:

  • Electrolyte imbalances 
  • Fatigue
  • Feelings of unwellness
  • Fever
  • Irritability or agitation
  • Malnutrition
  • Rapid heart rate
  • Vitamin deficiencies
  • Weight loss

Some of these effects can lead to serious health problems and may be life-threatening. If you are experiencing a loss of appetite that isn’t related to a recent illness or lasts longer than a week, talk to your healthcare provider to get the medical attention you need to address your appetite issues.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

  1. van de Wouw M, Schellekens H, Dinan T, Cryan JF. Microbiota-gut-brain axis: modulator of host metabolism and appetite. J Nutrit. 2017;147(5):727-745. doi:10.3945/jn.116.240481

  2. Giezenaar C, Chapman I, Luscombe-Marsh N, Feinle-Bisset C, Horowitz M, Soenen S. Ageing is associated with decreases in appetite and energy intake—A meta-analysis in healthy adults. Nutrients. 2016;8(1):28. doi:10.3390/nu8010028

  3. Ghrayeb H, Elias M, Nashashibi J, et al. Appetite and ghrelin levels in iron deficiency anemia and the effect of parenteral iron therapy: A longitudinal study. PLoS One. 2020;15(6):e0234209. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0234209

  4. Hariyanto TI, Kurniawan A. Appetite problem in cancer patients: pathophysiology, diagnosis, and treatment. Cancer Treat Res Comm. 2021;27:100336. doi:10.1016/j.ctarc.2021.100336

  5. Nolden AA, Hwang L-D, Boltong A, Reed DR. Chemosensory changes from cancer treatment and their effects on patients’ food behavior: A scoping review. Nutrients. 2019;11(10). doi:10.3390/nu11102285

  6. Liu N, Abell T. Gastroparesis updates on pathogenesis and management. Gut Liver. 2017;11(5):579-589. doi:10.5009/gnl16336

  7. Sanyal D, Raychaudhuri M. Hypothyroidism and obesity: An intriguing link. Indian J Endocrinol Metab. 2016;20(4):554-557. doi:10.4103/2230-8210.183454

  8. Peny V, Månsson F, Resman F, Ahl J, Tham J. The usefulness of appetite and energy intake-based algorithms to assess treatment effect of a bacterial infection: An observational prospective study. PLoS One. 2017;12(10):e0186514. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0186514

  9. Maurya R, Bhattacharya P, Dey R, Nakhasi HL. Leptin functions in infectious diseases. Front Immunol. 2018;9:2741. doi:10.3389/fimmu.2018.02741

  10. Portincasa P, Bonfrate L, de Bari O, Lembo A, Ballou S. Irritable bowel syndrome and diet. Gastroenterol Rep. 2017;5(1):11-19. doi:10.1093/gastro/gow047

  11. Dulai PS, Jairath V, Khanna R, et al. Development of the symptoms and impacts questionnaire for Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis. Aliment Pharmacol Therap. 2020;51(11):1047-1066. doi:10.1111/apt.15726

  12. Saha S, Hatch DJ, Hayden KM, Steffens DC, Potter GG. Appetite and weight loss symptoms in late-life depression predict dementia outcomes. Am J Geriatr Psychiatry. 2016;24(10):870-878. doi:10.1016/j.jagp.2016.05.004

  13. Ans AH, Anjum I, Satija V, et al. Neurohormonal regulation of appetite and its relationship with stress: A mini literature review. Cureus. 2018;10(7):e3032. doi:10.7759/cureus.3032

  14. National Library of Medicine. Bland diet.

  15. Goodrose-Flores C, Bonn SE, Klasson C, Frankling MH, Trolle Lerros Y, Björkhem-Bergman L. Appetite and its association with mortality in patients with advanced cancer – a post-hoc analysis from the Palliative D-study. BMC Palliative Car. 2023;22(159):2023. doi:10.1186/s12904-023-01287-1

Amy Morin

By Amy Morin, LCSW

Amy Morin, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and international bestselling author. Her books, including “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” have been translated into more than 40 languages. Her TEDx talk,  “The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong,” is one of the most viewed talks of all time.


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An Insight into the Mind of a Narcissist

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Narcissistic supply is the need for attention and admiration that helps narcissists feel powerful.
  • Being part of a narcissistic supply relationship can harm your self-esteem and may lead to anxiety or depression.

“Narcissist” is a term that can be thrown around loosely to describe people with certain behaviors. But only 5 in 100 people have actually been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, think of themselves as superior to others, and strongly desire to be adored and admired. They feed these feelings through a practice called narcissistic supply.

“Narcissistic supply is the ‘drug’ that the narcissist is addicted to in order to feed their false self (their mask) and avoid their true self and the shame that comes along with that,” explains Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder and director of Bay Area CBT Center. “Narcissism is a shame disorder, and narcissistic supply is what a narcissist gets from other people to mirror, validate their mask, and avoid the deep-rooted shame underneath their grandiosity.”

Narcissistic supply seems to embolden the narcissist, while being detrimental to their supplier.

Why Do Narcissists Seek Narcissistic Supply?

Narcissists use narcissistic supply to feel the “affirmation, applause, and adulation of others.”
They need to feel in control and seek someone who, through their interactions with the narcissist, will help the narcissist feel the power that they crave. Narcissists are fueled by how their supplier responds, whether purposefully or not.

Experts say narcissists thrive on that predictable response. The reaction creates the drive for the narcissist to continue their behavior. If there is no one to react, then a narcissist has no one to exert control over and no one to help inflate their self-image.

Narcissists often also have a fear of being unwanted and unloved. Manipulating others to give them the acceptance they crave is a part of the narcissistic supply relationship.

What Are Examples of Narcissistic Supply?

Realistic examples help paint the picture of what this type of relationship looks like:

  • A person insults their significant other to feel better about themselves. “A narcissist puts down their partner in order to lower their self-esteem, making the partner more dependent on the narcissist,” says Alana Carvalho, LMHC.
  • A parent continues to pay for things for an adult child to be able to manipulate them. “A narcissistic parent may provide financial support [with conditions] in order to maintain control over their child’s decision-making,” Carvalho notes. Narcissistic supply can also be present in parent/child relationships in other ways. “A narcissist may utilize their child as supply and seek the child’s compliance to help them feel in power such as criticizing or punishing them when they make a decision that goes against their authority,” she adds.
  • A person will befriend someone needy so that the narcissist can be seen as a hero. “This sometimes means finding a narcissistic supply that is vulnerable, fragile, sick, mentally ill, impoverished, or dependent, in order to create a relationship with power imbalance and the continual expression of gratitude and appreciation,” Dr. Lev states.

Who Is the Narcissist’s Main Supply?

While friends and associates can be suppliers, the main supplier is often someone close to the narcissist, like a partner or family member.

The Impact of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissistic supply relationships are unhealthy. Because the narcissist’s goal is to build themselves up at the supplier’s expense, their behavior leaves the supplier feeling vulnerable and with low self-esteem. The supplier can struggle with depression or anxiety, and even post-traumatic stress disorder. The feelings a supplier experiences take a physical, emotional, and mental toll.

Narcissists, in turn, feel like they are in a favorable position. They feel empowered, valued, and worthy of esteem. They enjoy the feelings of power and inflated ego. If you’re concerned that your relationship, whether It’s with your partner, co-worker, or parent, may exhibit narcissistic supply, there are signs you can look for.

How Do You Know If You’re Narcissistic Supply?

“You know that you are a narcissistic supply if you’re being love-bombed, idealized, and mirrored, and you feel like the best thing in the whole world. Conversely, you feel like a worthless, insignificant piece of garbage when you’re being devalued. If you’re feeling either one of these extremes, you’re most likely the narcissist’s supply,” Dr. Lev explains.

Research shows that living with a narcissist affects a person’s sense of stability and security. If you’re in any type of relationship where these signs are present, it’s important to get help.

Strategies to Manage and Protect Oneself from Narcissistic Supply

When you are the supplier in a narcissistic supply relationship, building yourself up to combat the negative messages from the narcissist is key. If you’re dealing with a lack of confidence and low self-esteem, lean on supportive friends and family members who can speak positive, affirming words. Taking refuge in your circle of support also helps to lessen your dependency on the narcissist. If part of your narcissistic supply relationship includes monetary control over you, you can take an extra job or create ways to build yourself up financially. Again, this lessens your dependency on the narcissist.

Working with a mental health professional can be key in not only helping you to build yourself back up mentally and emotionally but also examining how you can avoid getting back into a narcissistic supply cycle.

“Gray-rocking is the most useful technique, in which an individual accepts that their partner/friend/loved one is exhibiting narcissistic traits and makes the decision to interact with that person in a consolidated, neutral, non-reactive, and non-inflammatory way. By ignoring and [refusing] to engage the narc’s bids for attention (positive or negative), the individual sets boundaries to protect themselves from the experience of being objectified and dehumanized by the narc,” advises Mary Dobson, LMFT, CEDS. licensed psychotherapist and CEO/founder of Lift Wellness.

If your situation has escalated, removing yourself from danger is paramount. Ultimately, experts say the main concern isn’t the behavior as much as it’s the person behind it.

“The strategies to protect yourself are not strategies to protect yourself from narcissistic supply; the strategies are to protect yourself from narcissists,” Dr. Lev concludes.


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What I Learned From Saying “No” for a Week as a Lifelong People Pleaser

by with No Comment Dating Tips, Guide and Advice


Key Takeaways

  • Saying “no” to demands or requests for your time can feel uncomfortable if you aren’t respecting or prioritizing your boundaries.
  • For some people, people-pleasing is a trauma response. Many revert to “fawning” or people-pleasing when they feel unsafe. 
  • Start small—say “no” to one request this week—and see how it feels. You might just discover that protecting your time and energy is the best gift you can give yourself. 

If there’s one word that I struggle to say, it’s “no.” I’ve built a life around being accommodating. Need an extra set of hands on a work project? I’m your girl. Can’t find someone to help with last-minute plans? You can count on me.

There’s nothing wrong with helping people, of course. But I’d started to notice that my “yes” reflex was leaving me burnt out and feeling resentful.  

So when my editor popped into my inbox asking if I’d experiment with saying “no” to everything for a week, the thought gave me stomach pains. On the other hand, I imagined it’d be a great excuse to prioritize myself for a week (because, yes, I needed an excuse). 

So I said “yes” to the assignment—and said “no” to everything else for that week that didn’t align with my needs, priorities, or values.

Day 1: The Work Email

The first test of my “no” experiment came before I’d even finished my morning coffee. A client emailed asking if I could help take on an additional copywriting project with a tight deadline. 

Normally, I’d agree immediately and figure out how to deal with the stress later. But today, I hesitated. Did I really want to do it? Or was I saying yes out of habit?

For people-pleasers who are struggling to tune into their own wants and desires, Hunt suggests pausing before saying yes. 

“Use the pause to check in with your physical and emotional reactions,” Hunt says. “Ask yourself, ‘Does this feel genuine and authentic, or does it feel like something I should want?’”

If I felt excited about the assignment, I might’ve squeezed it into my schedule—but after pausing, I realized the subject matter was just not my vibe.

“Thank you for thinking of me,” I replied, “but I don’t have the bandwidth for this project right now.” I hit send before I could overthink it.

The result? The client was completely understanding, and they found another copywriter to help with the project. I felt a jolt of pride—and relief. Maybe saying “no” wouldn’t be so bad after all. 

Day 2: Family Favors

A text from a relative was my next challenge. She was job-hunting and wanted help creating a resumé.

Usually, I wouldn’t mind helping—but I had a bunch of things on my plate. I briefly considered doing it on my lunch break or after work, when I was meant to be studying for a course I was taking. 

But then I thought about how tired I was, and how badly I needed to rest. 

I texted her back and explained I wouldn’t get a chance to help with her resume until the following week. I also wished her luck in her job search. She completely understood. Win!

Something I said yes to, though? Grabbing pizza and watching a movie with my partner and friends that evening. I realized that, if I’d said yes to helping my relative, I’d have had to say no to this much-needed quality time.

Day 3: Social Pressures

On Wednesday, a friend asked if I wanted to make plans for the weekend. 

I typically enjoy having social engagements on the weekends. I’m a community-oriented person, and my friendships mean a lot to me. I was also hesitant to say no to them because it’s a relatively new friendship—while I feel more comfortable asserting boundaries with my closest friends, I worry about making new friends feel rejected or unwanted. 

But I had my final yoga teacher training practicals on the weekend, which meant I’d be physically and emotionally tired. I knew that if I agreed to a dinner, I’d either cancel on the day or I’d feel too tired and nervous to fully enjoy it.  

Saying ‘no’ didn’t make me a bad friend; it just made me an honest one.

I thanked them for the invite but explained that I wanted to focus all my attention on my yoga course. To my surprise, they weren’t just understanding—they were super excited for me. We both agreed to catch up next month. 

I realized I’d been overthinking people’s reactions to my boundaries. Saying “no” didn’t make me a bad friend; it just made me an honest one. 

Day 4: The Walk

My neighbor and I had plans to do an hour-long walk on Thursday evening. 

I told my neighbor I was considering canceling, as I was pretty exhausted. She compassionately encouraged me to reschedule if I needed to. It felt great to get this sort of support from her. 

I reminded myself of my reasons for this experiment: to prioritize myself. I used an AI-powered journaling app called Rosebud to help me make a decision, and it helped me parse out the pros and cons. 

Eventually, I decided to go on the walk. And I’m glad I did—the conversation, exercise, and fresh air did me good.

As much as the week was about saying “no,” I also wanted to say “yes” to things that served my needs and well-being. 

Day 5: Saying “No” to Myself

On Friday, the challenge turned inward. 

I’d been significantly tired all week—which I interpreted as a symptom of burnout.

For this reason, I decided to take Friday off work. After sleeping in and hitting the sauna, I felt better and immediately considered piling tasks on my plate: housework, personal admin, and work. 

I knew I needed more rest, but I also felt terribly guilty about not working (which is an issue in itself). 

Ross shared some words that I found really helpful for this situation. “When our own house is in disarray, we can’t make space for other people’s perspectives without defensiveness or fear,” she says. “Setting boundaries is an act of self-care because it enables me to operate at full capacity and be present enough to practice empathy when needed.”

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care because it enables me to operate at full capacity and be present enough to practice empathy when needed.

I know what I’m like when I’m burned out: it’s a terrible experience for me and those around me. I slack on house chores, I miss deadlines, and I’m way too cranky to be there for my loved ones. 

The solution here is self-care. This can be tricky if you’re not used to taking care of yourself, of course. “I would invite folks to think of true self-care as something that energizes your body, mind, and soul,” Ross advises. “What do you need to recharge, reset, take a break, shift your thinking, use a different part of your brain?”

For me, it was cuddling my dog, doing crafts, and watching Netflix—simple, but soothing. 

Day 6: A Boundary Push

Saturday brought my biggest challenge yet: a friend who wouldn’t take “no” for an answer. They kept pressing me to join a group activity, even after I’d politely declined. I found myself wavering, tempted to give in just to avoid conflict.

But instead, I simply repeated my “no” and changed the subject.

I felt terrible, to be honest, partly because they were clearly upset with me.  

While the interaction felt uncomfortable, it was a lesson in holding my ground even when others resist.

Day 7: Reflection

By Sunday, I felt empowered.

Saying “no” hadn’t turned me into a villain, nor had it alienated my loved ones. I managed to take time off work, focus fully on my yoga teacher training, and feel more in control of my time and energy. And I did that all without harming any of my relationships!

That’s not to say there weren’t challenges. Saying “no” can be uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to over-accommodating. 

But the benefits—reduced stress, increased self-respect, and a clearer sense of priorities—were undeniable. 

Will I Be Saying “No” More Often?

Absolutely. 

But I’m not going to lie: I don’t think saying “no” is a skill I’ve mastered yet. It makes me very uncomfortable, and I still have a sense of guilt about Saturday’s interaction. 

“Guilt is common when trying something new, especially when it challenges deeply held beliefs,” Hunt advised. She advises starting by setting small boundaries to build up your confidence. “With practice, you’ll start to internalize that boundaries are about respecting yourself, not disrespecting others.”

I’ll need more practice before I feel confident. But I think I’ve made some progress. 

That said, I’ve also learned to balance this newfound assertiveness with flexibility. Not every “yes” is a bad thing. Sometimes it’s worth saying “yes” to opportunities that align with your values.

Why Is It So Hard To Say No?

I’m not a textbook people pleaser—I can be grumpy, blunt, and headstrong. But I often agree to do things I don’t want to do because I’m afraid of conflict and rejection. Classic people-pleasing behavior, right?

“Generally speaking, people-pleasing develops from a deep longing for validation and acceptance,” says Jessica Hunt, LCSW. “It’s a coping mechanism from growing up in environments where love or safety felt conditional and acceptance was earned by being agreeable, helpful, or compliant.” 

If that description feels like a personal attack, you’re not alone. Hunt says that many people learn that self-sacrifice is a good thing. “This eventually leads to prioritizing others’ needs over their own out of fear of conflict or rejection,” she says.  

There’s a term for this: pathological altruism. And research shows that healthy selfishness is better for you, psychologically and socially, than pathological altruism.

Beyond feeling rejected, one of the reasons why I find it hard to say “no” is because I genuinely can’t tell whether I’m being callous or not. 

So, I asked Maria Ross, an empathy advocate and author, how to tell the difference between being empathetic and people-pleasing. 

She gave me a helpful perspective: that people-pleasing doesn’t typically come from empathy, but from a place of fear. “When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It’s submission,” Ross says. “It’s about your own needs and desires to feel good.”

When you default to people-pleasing, that is not empathy, It’s submission.

“When others make an ask of us, we often react immediately from our own needs, whether we immediately say no because we’re stressed and busy or immediately say yes because we want to make the other person happy,” Ross says. In other words, when we people-please, we’re still acting based on our own desires. 

On the other hand, empathy is about considering another person’s perspective. Ross advises that there is a compassionate, empathetic way to hold boundaries.  

Final Thoughts

Here’s what I’ve learned from this experiment:

  • People-pleasing is not empathy. “Empathy is a way of being that is not about sacrificing your own needs and priorities,” Ross says. “That is not empathy, that is submission and acquiescence.”
  • Guilt is normal—but temporary. Learning to set boundaries means challenging old patterns, which can stir up guilt. Be patient with yourself.
  • Boundaries are a form of self-care. As Ross explains, saying “no” protects your emotional energy and helps you prioritize what matters most.
  • Saying “no” can strengthen relationships. Honesty and authenticity often lead to deeper connections.
  • It’s OK to pick your battles. Not every situation requires a “no.” Focus on saying “no” where it matters most.

If people-pleasing is causing you significant stress, it’s a good idea to consider speaking with a therapist, Hunt says. “Therapy can help you explore and identify these patterns, challenge them, and introduce helpful tools like mindfulness exercises, distress tolerance techniques, and self-compassion practices, which can be incredibly helpful for habitual people-pleasers.”


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