Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

If you have witnessed a loved one suddenly wake up screaming, you know how disorienting and concerning it can be. Likewise, if you have woken up screaming yourself, you may feel at a loss about what to do, and what this means for you.

Usually people who wake up screaming are doing so because they are experiencing a night terror. Night terrors are a kind of sleep disorder that are common in children, but quite rare in adults.

Let’s take a look at what night terrors are, what they look like, what causes them, and what to do if you or a loved one is experiencing them.

What Are Night Terrors?

Night terrors (sometimes referred to as “sleep terrors” or “pavor nocturnus” are a kind of parasomnia, or a sleep disorder. Usually, night terrors occur in non-rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, which is when you are in a state between dreaming and waking.

Night terrors can last from 20 minutes to upwards of 45 to 90 minutes. The disorder is fairly common in children, from preschool age to puberty. However, it’s far less common in adults, with only about 1 to 4% of adults experiencing it.

Night Terrors vs. Nightmares

Some people think of night terrors and nightmares as one in the same thing. But there are several distinct differences between the two:

• People who have nightmares usually remember what happened, whereas people who have night terrors usually have no memory of the incident
• Nightmares involve scary and unsettling dreams, but night terrors don’t happen while dreaming
• Nightmares are usually triggered by an upsetting experience or a scary movie, but the triggers of night terrors are usually harder to trace

What Are the Symptoms of Night Terrors?

Night terrors usually happen toward the beginning of the night, between the hours of 12 a.m. and 2 a.m. Symptoms can come on suddenly, and out of the blue.

Common signs include:

• Sudden wake ups that involve yelling and screaming
• The person who is having the night terror may thrash about and exhibit violent movements
• Night terrors cause the heart rate to increase and may involve sweating and hyperventilating
• You may notice that the person who is having the night terror has dilated pupils
• The person having the night terror may have a look of fear or alarm on their face
• Although people who have night terrors don’t usually remember them, they may experience feelings of shame or embarrassment once they find out
• People who experience night terror may also sleepwalk, as sleepwalking is also a common parasomnia

What Causes Night Terrors?

There are several different causes of night terrors. Usually night terrors have more than one cause, and it’s not always possible to pinpoint what the cause, or causes, are.

Some possible causes and risk factors for night terrors include:

• Night terrors may be genetic, as they tend to run in families
• Night terrors are more likely during times of illness and when you have a fever
• Night terrors can happen when you are sleep deprived or especially exhausted
• Increased or excessive physical activity can cause night terrors
• Times of emotional conflict and heightened stress may make you vulnerable to night terrors
• Large amounts of caffeine and alcohol consumption can trigger night terrors
• Health issues may increase the risk of night terrors, including head injuries, thyroid issues, and encephalitis (inflammation in the brain)
• Medications that you are taking may increase your risk of having a night terror
• Having another sleep disorder, such as sleep apnea, may make you more likely to experience night terrors

Night Terrors in Children vs. Adults

Night terrors tend to be a childhood occurrence—30% of children will experience a night terror. If your child is experiencing night terrors, you should speak to their pediatrician to rule out anything more serious. But for the most part, night terrors are something that children outgrow on their own, by the time they are 10 years old or so, or when they’ve moved beyond puberty.

On the other hand, night terrors are quite rare in adults. Sometimes, night terrors in adults suggest a neurological disorder, so it’s important to follow up with your healthcare provider if you experience night terrors. Adults who experience night terrors also may be working through trauma or other emotional upset.

Research has found that night terrors past the childhood years are also associated with sleep disorders, neuroses, and psychiatric disorders. Adults who have night terrors are more likely to live with depression, bipolar disorder, or anxiety.

Treatment for Night Terrors

Waking up screaming from a night terror can be a very distressing experience, whether you are doing it yourself or witnessing a loved one doing it. But help is out there, and there are ways to minimize night terrors.

Most of the time, though, all that’s needed is for you to remain calm while your child has a night terror, and comfort them as needed. Reducing stress and ensuring that your child gets enough sleep can reduce occurrences. Occasionally, therapy for your child and/or medication will be indicated.

Sleep disorders in adults need to be taken seriously, because they are so rare and because they may indicate a more serious medical or mental health condition. If you are experiencing night terrors as an adult, you should make a prompt appointment with a sleep specialist or a psychiatrist.

Treating night terrors in adults involves understanding the root causes, which may mean undergoing a sleep study in a sleep lab or undergoing an evaluation with a psychiatrist.

If a sleep disorder isn’t diagnosed, and psychiatric causes are ruled out, then simple lifestyle changes may help reduce occurrences of night terrors.

These may include:

• Practicing smart sleep hygiene
• Getting enough sleep overall
• Limiting caffeine and alcohol before bed
• Decreasing stress, especially before going to sleep
• Keeping a consistent sleep and waking schedule

From illegal pairings like Elvis and Priscilla Presley (he was 24 and she was 14) to more socially and legally accepted couples like Priyanka and Nick Jonas (she was 35 and he was 25 when things kicked off), age-gap relationships have been a buzzy topic for decades. More recently, this conversation has migrated to TikTok, with creators debating the ethics of dating younger (or older!).

This discourse has left many in a conundrum: Is there an age difference too significant that the relationship is unhealthy? Can you love a significant other if you’re years older (or younger) than they are?

Out in the World: Psychological and Social Dynamics

There is something to be said about preferring an older partner. A study found a link between age and confidence, suggesting self-assurance is why younger partners seek out older partners. This same study also reported that older partners are more accepting of younger counterparts.

“It goes without saying that many couples with an age gap find each other specifically because of their shared life goals and trajectories, despite their age difference, which is why they work,” says clinical psychologist and holistic therapist Kim Slipski, MA, LMFT.

Power Dynamics, Blurred Boundaries, and More

But, there can be a power dynamic in these relationships, especially if one partner is significantly older than the other. The younger partner could be taken advantage of. “I would advise to exercise extra caution when it comes to relationships in which one partner is still a young adult and another is significantly older,” Slipski adds.

“Additionally, if at least one of the partners has children, it can also be important to be extra sensitive to age gaps that place one partner in the same age group as the other partner’s kids,” she asserts. This can mess with the relationship’s structure, blurring boundaries and causing issues between parents and their children.

Do Age Gap Relationships Work?

Curious if an age-gap relationship can work?

Anna’s Story

We asked Anna* about her experience. Anna is a 34-year-old woman in a relationship with a man 14 years her senior. “In my experience, what works well in an age gap relationship is the balance between our different energies and approaches to life,” she shares.

A big part of their component is learning from each other, which she finds fulfilling. But, because of generational differences, she notices that they don’t always get each other’s perspectives right away. “It’s been a learning curve, but it’s one that I enjoy when we’re both open to understanding each other’s perspectives,” she adds.

Carter’s Story

We also asked Carter*, a 47-year-old man in a relationship with a woman 15 years younger than him. The couple has been together for 10 years, married for 5. While he is happy in his marriage, it hasn’t been without its challenges. “In the beginning, it was fun,” he says. “Then, as things got more serious, I realized I had more life experience simply because I’d lived longer.”

He continues, adding that he had to be “hands-off” when watching his partner go through speed bumps he had already experienced. “You really have to respect their process,” Carter says. Over time, as they grew together, their relationship became more balanced. Their age gap is something he rarely thinks about now.

When asked about the best part of being in an age-gap relationship, Carter has a unique take. “There isn’t a best part. I didn’t seek out this relationship because she was younger than me,” he says. “We just happened to fall in love with each other, like any other relationship.”

Challenges in Age Gap Relationships

A study on Korean couples found an age gap of over three years resulted in an elevated risk for depressive symptoms, with the odds increasing with every one to two years of age difference. This isn’t to say age gap relationships are doomed, but they do come with their own unique set of challenges.

“It’s probably in the [age] gaps that start around 10 years or more that we really start to see certain types of challenges become more prominent,” Slipski notes. Those challenges can range from deciding when to have children to when it is time to head into retirement. She points out that it isn’t uncommon for the younger partner to become a caretaker for an aging partner or experience early loss. 

“When it comes to starting a family and thinking about getting older, we definitely have had some honest conversations,” Anna shares. Some of their biggest considerations include the different timelines and expectations they have for family planning. “Ultimately, these conversations strengthen our relationship because they encourage us to look at life as a team,” she adds.

The Judgment is Real – Here’s How to Cope with Stigma

Then, there’s the stigma of it all. Let us be clear: There can be inappropriate and even abusive relationships, especially when one person is underage or they’re of age but still a young adult and their S.O. is significantly older. This poses an opportunity for a huge power imbalance. Hence, why many raise eyebrows when they see a substantial age difference in couplings, even if the partners are well into adulthood. 

If you’re facing judgment for your relationship, it is important to begin with some honesty and self-reflection. Is there a problematic age difference due to the different life stages you two are in? Do lingering issues of a power imbalance loom? Are you two simply not aligned on your long-term wants and needs?

If you’re feeling sturdy in your relationship and confident that it is rooted in mutual respect, relational health, and love, then it is time to implement strong boundaries. Perhaps you’re selective about who you open up to about the relationship, or you find polite ways to change the topic when someone inserts unsolicited advice. If the stigma impacts your relationship, seek a couples therapist who can help you both navigate social situations.

Knowing When Things Aren’t Right

Always trust your gut. If something feels off in your relationship, it probably is. It could be related to your age gap or another underlying issue. If you’re the younger partner and feel like your partner is controlling, demanding, or trying to isolate you, run. These are red flags.

Similarly, if you’re the older partner and feel like your partner is disrespectful to your family, using you, or being generally unkind, leave the relationship if it’s safe. These are also red flags.

If your partner is older than you and often waxes poetic about the benefits of being with someone younger than them, pay attention.

As Carter puts it, “You should never use having more life experience than your partner as a tool for control.”

When in doubt, seek out individual or couples therapy. A licensed counselor can be a helpful ear and guide to navigating any arising conflicts in your relationship.

*Names have been changed for privacy

The Gaslighting Quiz

Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that can cause serious harm to your mental health. This quiz can help you determine whether gaslighting is happening in your relationship or friendship.

Who Is This Gaslighting Test For?

This test is for anyone who feels like someone in their life is gaslighting them. If you’re questioning the dynamic in a romantic relationship, friendship, or a relationship with a family member, this test can help you better understand your feelings about how you’re being treated.

People who are gaslighted often question their memory, are afraid of messing up, and feel on edge around the person who gaslights them.

About This Gaslighting Test

This short, free 15-question test measures the signs and feelings associated with gaslighting, such as questioning your own thoughts and perception of reality, being confused, and losing confidence and self-esteem. Each response corresponds to how often signs of gaslighting are present—rarely or never, sometimes, or frequently. 

What to Know About Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where an abuser or bully causes the person on the receiving end to question their feelings, judgment, and reality. It usually happens in romantic or family relationships but also in friendships, at work, or in a medical setting.

The abuse usually takes place over a period of time and makes the person being gaslighted feel as if they can’t trust their judgment, which can even lead to them questioning their sanity. 

Signs of Gaslighting

Gaslighting often happens slowly over time, so if you don’t know the signs, you may not realize it’s happening. Questioning your own thoughts, memory, feelings, and even sanity can cause mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide. 

Here are some gaslighting signs to watch for:

• Doubting your own feelings or the reality of the situation
• Questioning your judgment to the point that you’re afraid to share your opinion
• Feeling nervous and insecure around the person who is gaslighting you
• Believing that everyone thinks you’re crazy, strange, or thinks of you in the way the person who is gaslighting you says they do
• Wondering if everything the gaslighting person says is true and correct, even though you’ve questioned it before
• Feeling upset with yourself over changes to your behavior, like not being as strong as you used to be
• Worrying that you’re too sensitive
• Second-guessing your memory of events
• Feeling like you’re not good enough or can’t meet someone’s expectations
• Apologizing often for being yourself

Abusers who use gaslighting techniques do so with the goal of having power and control over someone else by manipulating their thoughts and feelings. They often have personality disorders such as antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder.

If someone is gaslighting you, know it’s not your fault, and there are things you can do to protect your mental health. You can put some physical distance between you and the person doing the gaslighting, keep a written record (either with notes or saved conversations) of interactions you’ve had with the person, set boundaries, ask someone you trust for their perspective, or you can end the relationship completely.

A god complex is a pattern in which an individual believes they have great power, ability, infallibility, influence, and are superior to others. It often refers to behaviors associated with narcissistic personality disorder or mania.

Someone like this may feel entitled to special treatment, act as though rules don’t apply to them, and generally disregard the needs of others. They can also become intensely jealous and controlling.

The term “god complex” was first used by the early psychoanalyst Ernest Jones in his Essays in Applied Psychoanalysis.

What Gives Someone a God Complex?

The development of a god complex can be related to many different factors, including low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, or unresolved childhood issues. They may also have an overly protective or enabling parent who fostered these feelings with constant unrealistic praise.

GinaMarie Guarino, a licensed mental health counselor, suggests that “a child may be at risk of developing a god complex if they were overly praised or not held accountable for their behavior. If a child was shielded from consequences or otherwise not held accountable when behaving poorly, they may have not developed proper consequential thinking or respect for rules and boundaries.”

Steve Carleton, LCSW, CACIII, licensed clinical social worker and executive clinical director at Gallus Detox Center, explains that “a god complex may also be caused by experiences of success or admiration, which boost a person’s ego and make them believe that they are superior to others.” Other causes, notes Carleton, include “narcissistic personality disorder, lack of emotional intelligence or even a mental illness such as bipolar disorder.”

How This Complex Impacts Behavior

When someone has a god complex, their behavior can be destructive and damaging to those around them. They may be overly critical of others or attempt to control situations through manipulation or force.

Because they feel superior, they may not recognize the impact of their actions on other people, leading to problems in relationships. Additionally, they might have difficulty accepting mistakes or criticism and will often place blame on others instead of taking responsibility for themselves.

Signs and Symptoms

Guarino suggests “behaviors and attitudes that come off as arrogant or inflexible and intolerant of other people’s points of view can be signs of a god complex. They may lack empathy, disregard the boundaries of others, and struggle with relating to others or being sensitive to the needs and feelings of others.”

A person with a god complex may display a variety of signs and symptoms. When left unchecked, this type of behavior can lead to serious issues in relationships, work, and personal life.

Here are some common signs that someone may have a god complex:

God Complex vs. Superiority Complex

Although they are often used interchangeably, the term “god complex” and “superiority complex” have somewhat different meanings. Superiority complex is a term first used by the psychoanalyst Alfred Adler (1870-1937) referring to a defense mechanism that develops to deal with feelings of inferiority.

Jason Shiers, a certified advanced transformative coach and transactional analysis psychotherapist, explains that “a god complex is distinguished from a superiority complex by a more intense and delusory sense of self-importance and invincibility. While someone with a superiority complex may believe they are superior to others in some ways, they are not necessarily convinced of their own god-like talents or entitled to preferential treatment.”

Keep in Mind

A god complex can be a destructive force in any relationship. Left unchecked, it can lead to manipulation, power struggles, and an inability to empathize with others or take responsibility for mistakes. If you or someone you know exhibits signs of a god complex, it is important to seek professional help in order to create healthier relationships.