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If you’ve ever felt stressed out, frustrated, or just plain overwhelmed when your house is a mess, you probably recognize the connection between cleanliness and mental health. That’s why cleaning up and decluttering can sometimes feel so good—and even a bit therapeutic.

When some people feel overwhelmed or stressed out, they might try yoga, mindfulness, or even a massage. For others, giving the shelves a quick dust, wiping down the kitchen, or even organizing the closet is just as beneficial for their mental health as using a mindfulness app.

In fact, for some people, the simple sight of a clean and organized home can help them unwind and de-stress even after an overwhelming day.

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Negative Impact of Clutter and Mess

Keeping your home clean and engaging in the cleaning process is good for you. In fact, research shows that cleaning—or the lack of cleaning—can have a direct impact on mental health.

Clutter May Contribute to Stress

Research has shown that living in a cluttered environment increases stress. In the study, young women cared for an infant in either a normal or cluttered environment. While chaos didn’t seem to affect mood or responsiveness, physical stress levels were still higher for women in the cluttered homes. Such findings suggest that parents should consider how cleanliness and clutter in the home may impact their stress levels.

Other research suggests that lower housing quality, including how clean the home is, can have an impact on mental health.

Clutter May Lead to Decreased Focus, Confusion, and Tension

Meanwhile, researchers have also found that clutter can make it difficult to focus on a particular task. More specifically, they discovered that a person’s visual cortex can be overwhelmed by objects not related to a particular task, making it harder to focus and complete projects efficiently.

In some ways, clutter and mess are linked to negative emotions like confusion, tension, and irritability, while an organized home produces more positive emotions like calmness and a sense of well-being.

Clutter and mess can create more stress and anxiety, but by cleaning, organizing, and reducing the clutter, people are able to take control of their environment and create a more relaxing environment that helps them focus better on the more pressing issues in their lives.

Benefits of Cleanliness and Decluttering

Research has found that cleaning can have a number of positive effects on your mental health. For instance, it helps you gain a sense of control over your environment and engage your mind in a repetitive activity that can have a calming effect.

It also has been found to improve a person’s mood as well as provide a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. There are a number of reasons why cleaning can help you destress. Here’s an overview of some of the benefits of cleaning and decluttering your home or office.

Cleanliness and Physical Health

A clean home also impacts your physical health. According to a study by NiCole Keith, PhD, a research scientist and professor at Indiana University, people with clean houses tend to be healthier than those with messy or cluttered homes.

Gain Control of Your Environment

When people feel like their life is out of control or they are struggling with some uncertainties, cleaning can be a way to assert some control in their life. Cleaning gives people a sense of mastery and control over their environment.

A study by the University of Connecticut found that in times of high stress, people default to repetitive behaviors like cleaning because it gives them a sense of control during a chaotic time. Other research has found that decluttering can help older adults retain a sense of control over their life as they age.

What’s more, clutter and disorganization can be really distracting, making it hard to focus or complete other projects. You can start to feel stuck in a rut.

Cleanliness and Mood

Aside from the benefits of having a cleaner home, the relationship between a clean house and mental health can help you reduce your anxiety.

Moreover, having clean sheets and making your bed may also help you get a better night’s rest. When you get more rest, that provides a whole host of mental health benefits including an improved mood.

Additionally, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America indicates that the physical activity of cleaning coupled with the end result of a cleaner home helps reduce stress, feelings of anxiety, and depressive symptoms. Cleaning can also reduce fatigue and improve concentration.

Cleanliness and Focus

When your home is cluttered, messy, or exceptionally dirty, the chaos that the mess creates can impact your ability to focus. The clutter also limits your brain’s ability to process information. Visual attention and performance on visual tasks is better in situations where there is less distracting clutter.

If you’re having trouble focusing on a project, you may want to try decluttering your workspace first. Devoting just a few minutes to organizing your things and clearing away any mess may make it easier for you to concentrate and complete your work.

How to Incorporate Cleanliness and Decluttering Into Your Life

Whether you are struggling with depression, have a new baby, or just have a chaotic life, the concept of cleanliness and decluttering can seem like an overwhelming task that is simply outside of your reach right now. In fact, many people wrestle with whether or not cleaning should be a priority.

But, knowing that having a cleaner environment will help improve your mood and make your life more peaceful might be worth pursuing. Here are some ideas on how to incorporate cleaning into your life.

Start Small

Most people put off cleaning because the task seems way too big to tackle. But instead of expecting to get the entire house into order in one weekend, start small and do just a little bit each day.

For instance, pick one thing you want to do each day and then follow through. One day you might go through all of your mail. The next day you might clean the toilet and wash the bathroom sink. The next day, you might clean off the kitchen counter, and the next day, you might pick up all the clothes scattered around the house and put them in a laundry basket.

Set a Timer

Another option for getting a cleaning routine started is to set a timer and see how much cleaning you can get done in that time period. Or, you can use the time blocking method for scheduling to manage your cleanliness and decluttering routine.

If you would prefer, you could start in a bedroom, instead of the living area. This way, your cleaning will help you create a more peaceful environment that will help you sleep better that night.

Even though setting a time for a few minutes may not seem like much time, you can accomplish a lot more than you might imagine. Plus, you aren’t overwhelming yourself by thinking that you have to devote three hours of your Saturday to cleaning. You get what you can done and then you move on to something else.

Involve Others

Sometimes you are at a point in your life where a cleanliness and decluttering routine is just not something you can handle on your own. Maybe you’re recovering from a major illness, running your own business, raising a house full of kids, or trying to work and go to school—whatever your situation, if you know you cannot possibly accomplish everything that needs to be done without help, then you should consider involving others.

Ask Friends and Family For Help

Although asking for help may be hard, most people are willing to help you if you ask. So, talk to your partner, enlist your kids, or ask a friend or family member if they will help you get organized. Plus, it’s a lot easier to tackle big projects when you have the help of others.

Get Outside Help

If you have room in your budget, you could also consider hiring someone to clean your house once or twice a month. To keep costs down, consider having them do the hard tasks like cleaning the bathrooms only and then cleaning the other areas of your home on your own.

When to Be Concerned About Cleanliness and Decluttering

There is nothing wrong with being neat and looking to cleaning as a way to calm your nerves and destress. However, it becomes an issue when your cleanliness and need for order in your home starts to become a compulsion.

For instance, if you won’t go out with your friends or cancel plans because you haven’t finished all your cleaning tasks for the day or week, then that could be a red flag that your cleanliness and decluttering habit has become a compulsion.

Likewise, cleaning can become an issue if it’s impacting your physical health, feels a little obsessive, or is interfering with your schedule, like making you late for work or school.

On the other hand, if you are struggling to maintain order or do basic, everyday cleaning tasks, it may also be a cause for concern. Depression can make it very difficult to find the energy and motivation to clean and maintain an orderly home.

When you are struggling with symptoms of depression, dishes may pile up in the sink, the trash might not get taken out, and the laundry might not get washed. And once you start to fall behind on these tasks, you start to feel even more demotivated and overwhelmed.

If you are struggling with such everyday activities and are experiencing other symptoms of depression—like feelings of sadness, lack of energy, irritability, and changes in your sleep and appetite—talk to your doctor or a licensed mental health professional.

Psychology is a relatively young discipline, but psychologists have introduced many different ways of thinking about the human mind and behavior since its inception. When psychology first emerged as a science separate from biology and philosophy, the debate over how to describe and explain the human mind and behavior began.

Structuralism was psychology’s very first school of thought and was advocated by the founder of the first psychology lab, Wilhelm Wundt. Almost immediately, other theories began to emerge and vie for dominance.

In the past, psychologists often identified themselves exclusively with one single school of thought. Today, most psychologists have an eclectic outlook on psychology. They often draw on ideas and theories from different schools rather than holding to any singular perspective.

Let’s explore some of the major schools of thought that have influenced our knowledge and understanding of psychology to better understand its past and present.

The Structuralist School of Psychology

Structuralism is widely regarded as the first school of thought in psychology. This outlook focused on breaking down mental processes into the most basic components. Major thinkers associated with structuralism include Wilhelm Wundt and Edward Titchener.

The introspective experimental technique used by the structuralists involved having trained observers examine their inner responses. Using this approach, also known as experimental self-observation, experimenters like Wundt trained people to analyze their thoughts as carefully and objectively as possible.

While these methods were understandably not the most empirically rigorous, the structuralist school of thought played an important role in the development of experimental psychology.

The Functionalist School of Psychology

Functionalism formed as a reaction to the theories of the structuralist school of thought and was heavily influenced by the work of William James. It functioned on the mind’s functions and adaptations.

In a functionalist approach, for example, instead of trying to understand the underlying processes that cause mental states, the focus would be on understanding the function that those states serve. Gaining a better understanding of the purpose would allow psychologists to understand how the mind allows people to respond and adapt to their environments.

The functionalist school was interested in the purpose of thoughts and behaviors, whereas structuralism was concerned with the elements that make up consciousness. While functionalism largely disappeared as a school of thought, its influence persisted in applied psychology, behaviorism, and educational psychology.

The Gestalt School of Psychology

Gestalt psychology was a school of psychology based upon the idea that people experience things as unified wholes. This approach to psychology began in Germany and Austria during the late 19th century in response to the molecular approach of structuralism.

Some thinkers associated with the Gestalt school of thought included Max Wertheimer, Wolfgang Köhler, and Kurt Koffka. 

Some examples of Gestalt thinking include explanations for optical phenomena, such as visual illusions. Wertheimer described the phi phenomenon by observing how alternating railway lights created the illusion of movement. The phenomenon suggests that a succession of images seen in rapid sequence are perceived as moving.

The Behaviorist School of Psychology

Behaviorism became a dominant school of thought during the 1950s. It was based upon the work of thinkers such as John B. Watson, Ivan Pavlov, and B. F. Skinner.

Examples of behavioral theories that emerged during this time include:

• Classical conditioning: This is a type of learning that involves associating a previously neutral stimulus with a stimulus that naturally and automatically triggers a response. For example, pairing the sound of a bell with the presentation of food. After an association is formed, the previously neutral stimulus will produce the same response as the natural stimulus.
• Operant conditioning: This type of learning involves using rewards and punishments to create an association between the behavior and the consequences of that behavior.

The behavioral school of psychology significantly influenced the course of psychology. Many ideas and techniques that emerged from this school of thought are still widely used today. Behavioral training, token economies, aversion therapy, and other methods are frequently used in psychotherapy and behavior modification programs.

The Psychoanalytic School of Psychology

Psychoanalysis is a school of psychology founded by Sigmund Freud. This school of thought emphasized the influence of the unconscious mind on behavior. Other major psychoanalytic thinkers included Anna Freud and Otto Rank and neo-Freudians such as Erik Erikson, Alfred Adler, and Karen Horney.

Freud believed that the human mind was composed of three elements: the id, ego, and superego.

• The id consists of primal urges.
• The ego is the component of personality charged with dealing with reality.
• The superego is the part of the personality that holds all the ideals and values we internalize from our parents and culture.

Freud believed that the interaction of these three elements led to all of the complex human behaviors.

Other important theories within the psychoanalytic school included the idea of the conscious and unconscious, Freud’s psychosexual approach to personality development, and the concept of life and death instincts.

Many traditional Freudian approaches to treatment are no longer in favor, but modern psychoanalytic therapy continues to play an important role in psychology today. Research has shown that using self-examination can play an important role in emotional growth and that it can be an effective treatment for a number of conditions, including depression and anxiety.

The Humanistic School of Psychology

Humanistic psychology developed as a response to psychoanalysis and behaviorism. The development of this school of thought in psychology was heavily influenced by the work of humanist thinkers such as Abraham Maslow, Carl Rogers, and Clark Moustakas.

Humanistic psychology instead focused on topics such as:

• Becoming a fully functioning person: A person who is in touch with their innermost desires and trusts their own instincts
• Individual free will: The capacity that individuals have to make choices, select courses of action, and control their own lives
• Hierarchy of needs: A theory introduced by Maslow suggesting that people were motivated by a series of increasingly complex needs, starting with their basic physiological needs up to the need to achieve an individual’s full potential
• Peak experiences: Moments of pure, transcendent joy that play an important part in the reaching self-actualization
• Self-actualization: A state of reaching one’s full potential

The Cognitive School of Psychology

Cognitive psychology is the school of psychology that studies mental processes, including how people think, perceive, remember and learn. As part of the larger field of cognitive science, this branch of psychology is related to other disciplines such as neuroscience, philosophy, and linguistics.

Cognitive psychology emerged during the 1950s, partly as a response to behaviorism. Critics of behaviorism noted that it failed to account for how internal processes impacted behavior.

Examples of theories that grew out of the cognitive school of thought include:

• Stages of cognitive development: A theory proposed by Jean Piaget, which suggested that children go through a series of progressive stages of intellectual development.
• Sociocultural theory: This theory, introduced by Lev Vygotsky, looked at how the interaction of cultural and social factors contributed to cognitive development.
• Informational processing theory: This theory suggests that the mind functions much like a computer to process and interpret information about the world.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) was also heavily influenced by this psychological perspective. CBT is an approach to treatment that focuses on how automatic negative thought patterns influence behavior and psychological problems.

Biological Psychology

Biological psychology, also known as biopsychology or behavioral neuroscience, is a school of thought that focuses on how biological factors influence mental processes and human behavior. Topics of interest in this school of thought include genetics, brain structure, hormones, and neurotransmitters.

This school of thought takes an interdisciplinary approach, incorporating aspects of psychology, biology, and neuroscience. Using these methods, researchers investigate how biological and psychological factors interact to influence people’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

This school of thought emphasizes the study of the biological causes of mental health conditions. For example, psychologists working in this area might focus on the biological and genetic factors that play a role in causing mental disorders like schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder. Treatments rooted in this approach may focus on medications that help improve neurotransmitter balances to address brain abnormalities.

‘Cognitive’ is a term used in psychology to describe anything related to thinking, learning, and understanding. So when you hear people talk about cognitive skills or processes, they are referring to different aspects of how the brain works—things like remembering information, learning new things, paying attention, and processing all of the information you encounter each day. 

Cognitive abilities are something you use each and every day. For example, when you are learning a new instrument, you are using your cognitive skills to learn the basics of music theory, pick up melodies, learn the notes, and put that information together to produce music.

These are higher-level brain functions that encompass language, imagination, perception, and planning. Cognitive psychology is the field of psychology that investigates how people think and the processes involved in cognition. 

Types of Cognitive Processes

There are many different types of cognitive processes. They include:

Attention

Attention is a cognitive process that allows people to focus on a specific environmental stimulus. Attention is an important cognitive ability because it allows us to focus on the information we need, while also filtering out irrelevant distractions.

Language

Language and language development are cognitive processes that involve the ability to understand and express thoughts through spoken and written words. This allows us to communicate with others, including conveying our own thoughts and learning about others. It also plays an important role in thought.

Learning

Learning requires cognitive processes involved in taking in new things, synthesizing information, and integrating it with prior knowledge. Cognitive psychologists often study the mental processes that involved in processing, comprehending, and remembering information.

Memory

Memory is an important cognitive process that allows people to encode, store, and retrieve information. It is a critical component in the learning process and allows people to retain knowledge about the world and their personal histories.

Perception

Perception is a cognitive process that allows people to take in information through their senses, then utilize this information to respond and interact with the world.

Thought

Thought is an essential part of every cognitive process. It allows people to engage in decision-making, problem-solving, and higher reasoning.

History of the Study of Cognition

The study of how humans think dates back to the time of ancient Greek philosophers Plato and Aristotle.

Philosophical Origins

Plato’s approach to the study of the mind suggested that people understand the world by first identifying basic principles buried deep inside themselves, then using rational thought to create knowledge. This viewpoint was later advocated by philosophers such as Rene Descartes and linguist Noam Chomsky. It is often referred to as rationalism.

Aristotle, on the other hand, believed that people acquire knowledge through their observations of the world around them. Later thinkers such as John Locke and B.F. Skinner also advocated this point of view, which is often referred to as empiricism.

Early Psychology

During the earliest days of psychology—and for the first half of the 20th century—psychology was largely dominated by psychoanalysis, behaviorism, and humanism.

Eventually, a formal field of study devoted solely to the study of cognition emerged as part of the “cognitive revolution” of the 1960s. This field is known as cognitive psychology.

The Emergence of Cognitive Psychology

One of the earliest definitions of cognition was presented in the first textbook on cognitive psychology, which was published in 1967. According to Ulric Neisser, a psychologist and the book’s author, cognition is “those processes by which the sensory input is transformed, reduced, elaborated, stored, recovered, and used.”

What Can Affect Cognitive Processes?

It is important to remember that these cognitive processes are complex and often imperfect. Some of the factors that can affect or influence cognition include:

Age

Research indicates that as we age, our cognitive function tends to decline. Age-related cognitive changes include processing things more slowly, finding it harder to recall past events, and a failure to remember information that was once known (such as how to solve a particular math equation or historical information).

Attention Issues

Selective attention is a limited resource, so there are a number of things that can make it difficult to focus on everything in your environment. Attentional blink, for example, happens when you are so focused on one thing that you completely miss something else happening right in front of you.

Cognitive Biases

Cognitive biases are systematic errors in thinking related to how people process and interpret information about the world. Confirmation bias is one common example that involves only paying attention to information that aligns with your existing beliefs while ignoring evidence that doesn’t support your views. 

Genetics

Some studies have connected cognitive function with certain genes. For example, a 2020 study published in Brain Communications found that a person’s level of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), which is 30% determined by heritability, can impact the rate of brain neurodegeneration, a condition that ultimately impacts cognitive function.

Memory Limitations

Short-term memory is surprisingly brief, typically lasting just 20 to 30 seconds, whereas long-term memory can be stable and enduring, with memories lasting years and even decades. Memory can also be fragile and fallible. Sometimes we forget and other times we are subject to misinformation effects that may even lead to the formation of false memories.

Uses for Cognitive Processes

Cognitive processes affect every aspect of life, from school to work to relationships. Some specific uses for these processes include the following.

Learning New Things

Learning requires being able to take in new information, form new memories, and make connections with other things that you already know. Researchers and educators use their knowledge of these cognitive processes to create instructive materials to help people learn new concepts.

Forming Memories

Memory is a major topic of interest in the field of cognitive psychology. How we remember, what we remember, and what we forget reveal a great deal about how cognitive processes operate.

While people often think of memory as being much like a video camera—carefully recording, cataloging, and storing life events away for later recall—research has found that memory is much more complex.

Making Decisions

Whenever people make any type of a decision, it involves making judgments about things they have processed. This might involve comparing new information to prior knowledge, integrating new information into existing ideas, or even replacing old knowledge with new knowledge before making a choice.

Impact of Cognition

Our cognitive processes have a wide-ranging impact that influences everything from our daily life to our overall health.

Perceiving the World

As you take in sensations from the world around you, the information that you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell must first be transformed into signals that the brain can understand. The perceptual process allows you to take in this sensory information and convert it into a signal that your brain can recognize and act upon.

Forming Impressions

The world is full of an endless number of sensory experiences. To make meaning out of all this incoming information, it is important for the brain to be able to capture the fundamentals. Events are reduced to only the critical concepts and ideas that we need.

Filling in the Gaps

In addition to reducing information to make it more memorable and understandable, people also elaborate on these memories as they reconstruct them. In some cases, this elaboration happens when people are struggling to remember something. When the information cannot be recalled, the brain sometimes fills in the missing data with whatever seems to fit.

Interacting With the World

Cognition involves not only the things that go on inside our heads but also how these thoughts and mental processes influence our actions. Our attention to the world around us, memories of past events, understanding of language, judgments about how the world works, and abilities to solve problems all contribute to how we behave and interact with our surrounding environment.

Tips for Improving Cognitive Skills

Cognitive processes are influenced by a range of factors, including genetics and experiences. While you cannot change your genes or age, there are things that you can do to protect and maximize your cognitive abilities:

• Stay healthy. Lifestyle factors such as eating a nutritious diet and getting regular exercise can have a positive effect on cognitive functioning. 
• Think critically. Question your assumptions and ask questions about your thoughts, beliefs, and conclusions.
• Stay curious and keep learning. A great way to flex your cognitive abilities is to keep challenging yourself to learn more about the world.
• Skip multitasking. While it might seem like doing several things at once would help you get done faster, research has shown it actually decreases both productivity and work quality.

Actions speak louder than words—unless, of course, your partner’s love language is “words of affirmation.” In this case, words are everything. Whether they are written or spoken, a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation will place a lot of importance on what you have to say to them.

Your words will speak volumes to them, even when you want them to just let things slide. In fact, it’s not uncommon for simple phrases like “I’m thankful for…” and “I love how you…” will go a long way in communicating how much they are appreciated.

Your partner will especially appreciate compliments, heartfelt thank-you’s, handwritten notes, and hearing what they mean to others. The goal is to let your partner know how much they mean to you and how much you care.

Take the Quiz to Identify Your Love Language

This fast, free quiz will help you determine your love language:

This love languages quiz was medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.

What Are Words of Affirmation?

Words of affirmation are words that communicate your love, appreciation, and respect for another person. They’re positive words and phrases used to uplift someone. Not to mention, these compliments and words of encouragement don’t have to be said directly to the person. A simple hand-written note is appreciated just as much as a personal phone call.

When it comes to Gary Chapman’s five love languages, words of affirmation is the most common love language, edging out quality time and acts of service. It also is the only love language that revolves around verbal expression.

People who give and receive love through words of affirmation tend to be the people who notice and care about the details of other people’s lives. For instance, they may be the first to notice their partner’s new haircut. They also remember to ask the neighbor how their sick dog is doing. They may even remember to ask the cashier at the local supermarket if they are feeling any better.

What Are Some Words of Affirmation Examples?

Here are a few examples of words of affirmation:

• “Everything is better when you’re here.”
• “I appreciate it when you…”
• “I couldn’t do this without you.”
• “I really love the new outfit. It looks great on you!”
• “I’m so lucky to be with you.”
• “I’m so thankful to have you in my life.”
• “It impressed me when you…”
• “Thank you for…”
• “You are doing such a great job. I’m really proud of you.”
• “You are one of my favorite people to be around.”
• “You are so special to me.”
• “You are the best.”
• “Your support means so much to me.”
• “You’re an inspiration!”

Words of affirmation can also be important in other types of interpersonal relationships. For example, you might use different types of positive affirmations to show kindness and gratitude toward your family members, friends, boss, or co-workers.

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Benefits of Words of Affirmation

Are using words of affirmation effective? For a person who tends to place a great deal of importance on what their partner says, hearing words of affirmation can help them to feel valued, satisfied, and happier in a relationship.

By using words of affirmation in your relationship, you are strengthening communication between you and your partner. You are showing your partner that you notice and appreciate them. When your partner feels appreciated, they are likely to experience a deeper satisfaction with themselves and with the relationship.

Receiving words of affirmation can help someone feel a greater sense of self-worth and motivation as well. If you notice your partner is making an extra effort on a special project or on their appearance, you might offer them an encouraging word or some praise. They will likely feel a boost in spirit and appreciate you for noticing.

Offering your partner an encouraging word can have a positive impact on you, too. Studies link giving compliments with a greater sense of well-being.

How to Ask for More Words of Affirmation

If your love language is words of affirmation, it feels amazing when your partner delivers a positive or loving message. You might be wondering how to get them to use your love language more often.

When your partner offers words of affirmation, let them know that their words make you feel good. Try saying, “I love when you tell me what a great job I’m doing,” or “It makes me feel so good to hear you say that.” When you respond with gratitude, your partner will likely be encouraged to continue offering you words of affirmation.

You might even introduce your partner to the love languages if they aren’t already familiar. Maybe you and your partner sit down to discuss each other’s preferred language.

It’s also helpful to be familiar with your partner’s love language, especially if it’s different from your own. They might not always deliver words of affirmation when you want them to, but that’s OK. Try noticing and appreciating it if they offer you another sign of their love (maybe in their own love language).

Tips for Using Words of Affirmation

A sweet note laying in the middle of the kitchen counter; a post-it placed in the middle of the mirror; or a favorite poem verse tucked into a suitcase—these examples are just a few of the many different options that might speak to a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation.

If your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation, you will need to find ways to communicate how much they mean to you. Here are some tips on how to speak this love language to your partner.

Be Authentic

People who have words of affirmation as their primary love language have a nose for false platitudes, so be sure you are authentic when talking with them. You want to be sure what you’re saying to them is coming from the heart, because if you are making stuff up, they will be able to tell.

Be Empathetic

When it comes to words of affirmation, it is crucial that partners realize that you recognize how they are feeling, especially if they are feeling down. Show empathy for your partner. Think about what it would be like to walk in their shoes and then demonstrate that you know how they are feeling.

Show Your Appreciation

Usually, people who feel fulfilled by positive words and comments will thrive when people recognize and appreciate what they do. Whether it is how they do the laundry, the meal they cooked for dinner, or the fact that they spent three hours proofing your report, the key is to tell them in no uncertain terms how much you appreciate them.

Say ‘I Love You’ A Lot

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation never get tired of hearing “I love you” from the people they care about. While it’s common to feel like the phrase is overused, a words of affirmation person will never get tired of hearing you say it, especially when you find new and creative ways to communicate your love.

Mail Them a Letter

While email is a great way to communicate when you’re in a hurry, there is something special about receiving a love letter in the mail. So, get out a pencil and paper and start writing. Your partner will be so surprised to receive the letter from you. If a letter seems overwhelming, buy them a cute card and write a nice note inside.

Post a Note

Sometimes the best and most efficient way to communicate how much you love your partner is to use a sticky note and leave them a little message about how much they mean to you. If you want to get really creative, you could post a number of notes in the shape of a heart or another figure on the bathroom mirror or the window of their car.

Give Them a Shout Out

Make sure you compliment your words of affirmation partner in front of other people. Tell them what makes you proud and what you really appreciate. Don’t go overboard and embarrass your partner, but telling others how awesome you think your partner is will touch their heart in so many ways. So, don’t be stingy with the compliments. This is a great way to fill your partner’s love tank.

Point Out Their Strengths

Pointing out your partner’s strengths is especially important when they are feeling down or discouraged. Giving them a pep talk and pointing out what you really like about them or what they do well speaks volumes. They need to know that you see value in who they are.

Dial It Up

When your partner is going through a tough time, it can be helpful for you to dial up the nice words. Be extra kind and loving while reminding your partner why they are important and what they mean to you. At all times, it is helpful to offer words of encouragement. These steps show them that you are there for them even in the rough patches of their life.

How to Make Words of Affirmation a Habit

Even if you are not a words of affirmation person, it is a good idea to make words of affirmation a daily habit. While it might not come naturally, there are things you can do to make offering words of affirmation a habit:

• Try a pet name: Perhaps you can begin each conversation with the pet name you have your partner. For example, you could say, “Good morning, beautiful” or “How are you, sweet pea?” These terms of endearment may sound corny, but for a words of affirmation person, they can be special.
• Be yourself: Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or say things that you don’t feel. Just give yourself permission to be your authentic self and share what you appreciate about your partner.
• Offer encouragement: Words of affirmation don’t just have to be expressions of gratitude or compliments—they can also focus on words that encourage your partner. When they express interest in something or share one of their goals with you, let them know that you believe in them and support them.

What to Avoid If Your Partner’s Love Language Is Words of Affirmation

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation are often extremely wounded and hurt by gaslighting, narcissism, and emotional abuse. Negative words, accusations, and criticisms are like daggers to their heart.

Here are some other things to avoid doing if your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation:

• Don’t assume there is a perfect quote for every one of life’s situations.
• Don’t be mean or hurtful with your words; they take them to heart.
• Don’t be overly critical or condescending; they interpret this as saying they are dumb or stupid.
• Don’t make fun of them or tease them too intensely; they are sensitive.
• Don’t try to manipulate them with words or hit below the belt.
• Don’t try to take shortcuts in expressing love to them; they can tell when you’re faking it.
• Don’t withhold kind words as a punishment.

Keep in Mind

Being loved and appreciated in a way that you understand is important in any relationship. People whose love language is words of affirmation like to hear that you love them, appreciate them, and will be there for them.

While the love languages can be a helpful tool for relationships, it’s OK if you and your partner seek additional support—especially if you are feeling unloved or unappreciated. You might consider attending relationship counseling to strengthen the bond you have with each other.

Relationships are hard enough as it is, add in difficulty with feeling secure and it gets even trickier.

Research has shown that our attachment patterns are set in early childhood and persist throughout our lifetime. The patterns are either secure or insecure. If a child grows up with consistency, reliability, and safety, they will likely have a secure style of attachment.

People can develop a secure attachment style or one of three types of insecure styles of attachment (avoidant, anxious/ambivalent, and disorganized). In order to cope with an insecure attachment style, you can work with a therapist to change your interaction patterns and develop more secure connections.

What It Means to Be Insecurely Attached

Insecure attachment is characterized by a lack of trust and a lack of a secure base. People with an insecure style may behave in anxious, ambivalent, or unpredictable ways.

When adults with secure attachments look back on their childhood, they usually feel that someone reliable was always available to them. They can reflect on events in their life (good and bad) in the proper perspective. As adults, people with a secure attachment style enjoy close intimate relationships and are not afraid to take risks in love.

However, someone with an insecure attachment style can learn to change their behaviors and patterns. Working with a therapist can help them develop the skills they need to improve their relationships and build the security they didn’t have as a child.

Patterns of Insecurity

If a person develops an insecure style of attachment, it can take one of three forms: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.

• Avoidant. People who develop an avoidant attachment style often have a dismissive attitude, shun intimacy, and have difficulties reaching for others in times of need.
• Anxious/Ambivalent. People with an ambivalent attachment pattern are often anxious and preoccupied. They can be viewed by others as “clingy” or “needy” because they require constant validation and reassurance.
• Disorganized. People with a disorganized attachment style typically experienced childhood trauma or extreme inconsistency growing up. Disorganized attachment is not a mixture of avoidant and ambivalent attachments; rather, a person has no real coping strategies and is unable to deal with the world.

Signs of Insecure Attachment

People with an insecure attachment style generally have trouble connecting emotionally. They can be aggressive or unpredictable toward their loved ones—a behavior rooted in the lack of consistent love and affection they experienced in childhood.

Each form of insecure attachment is characterized by its own behaviors and patterns of behavior in relationships.

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to:

• Fear and avoid commitment
• Avoid making friends
• Struggle to accept criticism
• Don’t like to show emotions
• Accuse their partners of being to clingy or needy
• Dislike touch or physical closeness
• Prefer to be alone when they are stressed or upset
• Don’t invest in relationships and prefer to remain independent

Anxious / Ambivalent Attachment

Signs of an ambivalent attachment style include:

• Craving close relationships but feeling unable to trust others
• Becoming overly focused on romantic partners and losing sight of another important aspect of life
• Problems recognizing and honoring boundaries
• Feeling jealous or anxious when separated from your partner
• Using guilt trips or other manipulative tactics to control your partner
• Seek constant reassurance from your partner

Disorganized Attachment

Signs of disorganized attachment include:

• Depression and anxiety
• Frequent outbursts and erratic behaviors stemming from the inability to clearly see and understand the world around them or properly process the behavior of others or relationships
• Poor self-image and self-hatred
• The perpetuation of trauma in relationships, especially related to parenthood (for example, struggling to form healthy attachments with their own children, which perpetuates a cycle of dysfunctional attachment)

Overcoming an Insecure Attachment Style

No one has to be a victim of their past. No one is unable to change or grow. A person who does not have a naturally secure style can work on “earned security,” which means developing a secure style through relationships and interactions in adulthood. For example, security can flourish in the context of friendships and psychotherapy.

When a person undertakes intensive psychotherapy, a therapist helps them identify past traumas, recognize where their behaviors are anchored and move forward in life with a more positive self-view and world-view. This work will ultimately help the individual learn to form healthy, secure attachments.

• Understand your childhood experiences: To earn security, you must develop a coherent narrative about what happened to you as a child. You also need to explore the impact it has had on the decisions you might have unconsciously made about how to survive in the world. You must think critically about how your upbringing affected your attachment style and work on breaking those patterns.
• Consider the impact on current relationships: For example, couples sometimes get into repetitive patterns of interactions. They might reflect and not know how things “go so out of hand.” While they might not be aware of it, their childhood memories and experiences of insecurity can influence feelings and interactions in their adult relationships.
• Look at what drives relationship problems: Even though the couple is fighting about a “surface issue,” insecure attachment triggers might be underlying the interaction. The emotional arousal and reactivity levels can seem disproportionate to the situation. If it’s severe, the couple’s therapist (particularly if they are attachment oriented) might need to facilitate change in the safe environment of the therapist’s office.
• Keep working to build new habits: Earned security can take time. Getting married and becoming a parent are critical elements to shifting one’s attachment style. A good marital relationship can be important in supporting your sense of security.

A healthy relationship is one where partners are mutually caring, supportive, respectful, and loving toward one another. For people with insecure attachment patterns, these characteristics can help shift them from feeling negative about themselves.

Keep in Mind

Establishing earned security after a lifetime of insecure attachment patterns can be tough. While it requires risk-taking and vulnerability, it can also bring you the kind of love and security you have always wanted. An earned, secure attachment style can forever change your life and your relationships for the better.

The brain will begin to change as a person changes their behavioral patterns and beliefs, thanks to neuroplasticity. An insecurely attached person can build the security they need by integrating new, supportive, loving experiences into their lives.

With time, they can trust that a reliable and consistent person (such as a partner) will be there for them in times of distress (the opposite of what they had as a child).

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a common neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by patterns of hyperactivity, inattention, impulsivity, restlessness, or a combination of all of these.

Now, while building and maintaining relationships can be difficult for everyone, those with ADHD can encounter some unique challenges. For example, they may be seen as poor listeners due to being forgetful and distracted. Additionally, people with ADHD can display high novelty-seeking tendencies, which can sometimes lead them into toxic relationships when compared to the rest of the population.

As a result, this article will explore the ways relationships are impacted by ADHD, the link between ADHD and toxic relationships, as well as the signs to look out for, and some tips for breaking the cycle.

Toxic Relationships Suck the Life Out of You

A toxic relationship can be understood to be any relationship that leaves a person feeling like their well-being is being threatened psychologically, emotionally, and even physically.

The Link Between ADHD and Toxic Relationships

While there is a range of ADHD symptoms, the ones commonly impacting relationships are emotional dysregulation, inattentiveness, impulsivity, forgetfulness, and disorganization.

This isn’t to say that everyone with ADHD will face all of these challenges; however, for those with more severe symptoms, these are the ones that can impact a person’s ability to communicate effectively, regulate emotions, and seem present in the relationship. As a result, in some cases, the combination of these symptoms can make a partner unintentionally take on a parental role.

Furthermore, these issues can also be exacerbated in relationships where an individual’s ADHD is undiagnosed; thus, the perceived lack of commitment and attentiveness is perceived as a personal failing instead of behavior exacerbated due to a lack of symptom management. As a result, these relationships can begin to foster symptoms of toxicity and display unhealthy patterns.

Why Are People With ADHD More Susceptible to Abuse?

People with ADHD can be highly susceptible to toxic relationships for various reasons. For example, a history of child abuse and a higher need for dopamine can make them more vulnerable to toxic relationships.

History of Child Abuse or Neglect

An important factor for this increased risk of engaging in toxic relationships is childhood trauma. For example, previous research has estimated that individuals with ADHD were over six times more likely to report being physically abused in childhood than those without it. In addition, a 2018 meta-analysis also found a significant association between ADHD symptoms and experiences of child maltreatment.

Regarding the long-term effect of abuse, an alternate 2018 study on twins also found strong associations between abuse, neglect, and ADHD in childhood. However, they also found that this often led to an increased risk of these individuals experiencing abuse later on in life.

Higher Need for Dopamine

For people with ADHD, stimulating and enjoyable activities hold their attention best. This is because their brains have a dysfunctional reward system, and the release of dopamine keeps them alert, focused, and productive. So how does this translate in relationships?

Relationships in which one person has ADHD tend to have an intense beginning due to people with ADHD having an affinity for those who are expressive, emotionally intense, and spontaneous.

Even though initial intensity in dating isn’t necessarily a bad thing, abusive relationships — where gaslighting and love bombing take place — also often begin the same way.

Someone with ADHD may be drawn to people who appear confident and well-put-together and miss out on signs that the other person is controlling and manipulative. And this is why pursuing relationships that cause hyper-fixations and deep feelings of infatuation can result in problems down the line.

ADHD and Intimate Partner Violence

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines intimate partner violence (IPV) as “Abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship.” This type of abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological/emotional, or involve stalking — and it varies in severity and occurrence. Additionally, previous experiences of violence and maltreatment are documented risk factors for subsequent IPV.

Keeping this in mind, it is clear that people with ADHD are at an increased risk of experiencing IPV due to the high likelihood of encountering abuse and neglect in childhood — the research confirms this, too.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

As a reminder, even healthy relationships will have periods of toxicity or display unhealthy patterns — particularly during times of increased stress or conflict. However, what makes a toxic relationship distinct is that these issues are persistent and occur long-term.

Therefore, it is crucial to be aware of the behaviors the relationship displays and the frequency with which they occur.

Here are some toxic behaviors and traits to be aware of:

Coping With a Toxic Relationship

When it comes to coping with a toxic relationship, there is no single approach that works universally. This is because relationships are dynamic and unique to those within the partnership. That said, there are various general ways people can protect themselves and cope within them.

Ask Yourself If the Relationship Is Fixable, Remembering That It’s Ok To Leave

In some instances, toxic relationships can be repaired — that said, it is also essential to know when a relationship has run its course. One way to figure this out is by checking to see if everyone in the relationship is committed to making things work. This involves changing unhealthy behaviors, respecting each other’s boundaries, and even seeking help from a therapist.

Nevertheless, in instances where a commitment to change is continually broken, the relationship has probably run its course. In this case, breaking the cycle would mean finally letting go.

Be Assertive With Your Boundaries And Needs

While open and honest communication seems easy in theory, it can sometimes feel challenging — particularly for those who weren’t allowed to assert themselves growing up. However, for a relationship to work, both parties must feel heard, secure, and protected.

Shift Your Perspectives

Regarding arguments, it is important not to communicate in a way that blames another person. Instead, a healthier way to communicate would highlight mutual understanding and learning.

That said, recognizing past behaviors is also vital. Therefore, there needs to be a mutual acceptance of responsibility. Not only will these two changes aid in creating healthier communication habits, but they’ll also indicate and reflect self-awareness and self-responsibility.

Find Outside Support

While people often turn to couples counseling to fix a relationship, having individual therapy (in tandem or before) could also be highly beneficial for the relationship and general personal well-being of those involved.

Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to fix the relationship; however, individual therapy has the bonus of allowing individuals to work on themselves and any attachment issues linked to childhood. Healing individually can also help people recontextualize their dating habits, patterns, and desires and open them up to healthier relationships overall.

That said, there are other forms of support to consider, too; these include support groups, local and online communities, classes, and engagement with work created by others who have gone through a similar situation.

How to Break Toxic Patterns

The first step in breaking any pattern is realizing that you’re in one, and it is a lot easier to do this when you can accept the situation without shame or guilt.

Additionally, it may also be helpful to do an internal catalog of previous relationships to determine if similar relationship dynamics have previously appeared. This awareness of previous habits can also offer a possible avenue of inner work that needs to take place.

It is important to note that many people with ADHD experience high levels of rejection sensitivity, and this can lead to instances where they overreact, misinterpret, or distort what other people say and do. Rejection sensitivity can also result in intense feelings of rejection and grief over a relationship ending — and sometimes make individuals reluctant to end a relationship out of this fear.

Working with a licensed mental health professional could be beneficial for these individuals. They may recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy or offer tools to work on any triggers.

If you are dealing with abuse, it is vital that you get help right away. Remember, some relationships are only meant to last a season, and leaving doesn’t mean you wasted time. Leaving is always an option.