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How Mindset Forms

So how is your mindset created in the first place? Dweck’s research reveals two primary sources: praising and labeling, both of which occur in early childhood.

The Impact of Praise

In a landmark series of experiments, Dweck and her colleagues found that kids behaved very differently depending on the type of praise they received. They found that personal praise, or praising a child’s talents or labeling them as “smart,” promotes a fixed mindset. It sends a message to a child that they either have an ability or they don’t, and that there is nothing they can do to change that fact.  

Process praise, on the other hand, emphasizes the effort a person puts in to accomplish a task. It implies their success is due to the effort and the strategy they used, both of which they can control and improve over time. 

Here’s an example of how they’re different. If your child gets a good grade on a math test, personal praise might be, “See, you are good at math. You got an A on your test.” Process praise, on the other hand, might sound like this: “I’m impressed by how hard you studied for your math test. You read the material over several times, asked your teacher to help you figure out the tricky problems, and tested yourself on it. That really worked!”

The Impact of Labels

Labeling, which involves assigning people characteristics based on stereotypes or associations with different groups, can also lead to the development of fixed or growth mindsets. A person who holds a stereotype that girls are bad at math or that boys are bad at reading may form a fixed mindset about their own abilities in those specific domains.

For example, researchers have found that just having students check boxes about sex and race was enough to invoke internalized stereotypes that affected test performance.

The Impact of Mindset

Your mindset plays a critical role in how you cope with life’s challenges. When a child has a growth mindset, they tend to have a hunger for learning and a desire to work hard and discover new things. This often translates into academic achievement.

As adults, these same people are more likely to persevere in the face of setbacks. Instead of throwing in the towel, adults with a growth mindset view it as an opportunity to learn and grow. On the other hand, those with fixed mindsets are more likely to give up in the face of challenging circumstances.

In her book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” Dweck writes that those with fixed mindsets are constantly seeking the validation to prove their worth not just to others, but also to themselves.

What Is My Mindset?

Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? To find out, start by reading the following statements and decide which ones you agree with most:

1. You’re born with a certain amount of intelligence and it isn’t something that can be changed.
2. No matter who you are, there isn’t much you can do to improve your basic abilities and personality.
3. People are capable of changing who they are.
4. You can learn new things and improve your intelligence.
5. People either have particular talents, or they don’t. You can’t just acquire talent for things like music, writing, art, or athletics.
6. Studying, working hard, and practicing new skills are all ways to develop new talents and abilities.

If you tend to agree most with statements 1, 2, and 5, then you probably have a more fixed mindset. If you agree most with statements 3, and 4, 6, however, then you probably tend to have a growth mindset.

How to Unfix a Fixed Mindset

While people with a fixed mindset might not agree, Dweck suggests that people are capable of changing their mindsets. Here’s how.

• Focus on the journey. An important factor when building a growth mindset is seeing the value in your journey. When you’re fixated on the end result, you miss out on all the things you could be learning along the way.
• Incorporate “yet.” If you’re struggling with a task, remind yourself that you just haven’t mastered it “yet.” Integrating this word into your vocabulary signals that despite any struggles, you can overcome anything. 
• Pay attention to your words and thoughts. Replace negative thoughts with more positive ones to build a growth mindset.
• Take on challenges. Making mistakes is one of the best ways to learn. So, instead of shying away from challenges, embrace them.

A dream theory is a proposed explanation for why people dream that is backed by scientific evidence. Despite scientific inquiry, we still don’t have a solid answer for why people dream. Some of the most notable theories are that dreaming helps us process memories and better understand our emotions, also providing a way to express what we want or to practice facing our challenges.

What Is a Dream Theory?

A dream theory focuses on understanding the nature and purpose of dreams. Studying dreams can be challenging since they can vary greatly in how they are remembered and what they are about.

Dreams include the images, thoughts, and emotions that are experienced during sleep. They can range from extraordinarily intense or emotional to very vague, fleeting, confusing, or even boring.

Some dreams are joyful, while others are frightening or sad. Sometimes dreams seem to have a clear narrative, while many others appear to make no sense at all.

Beyond what’s in a particular dream, there is the question of why we dream at all. Below, we detail the most prominent theories on the purpose of dreaming and how these explanations can be applied to specific dreams.

How Do Scientists Study Dreams?

The question of why we dream has fascinated philosophers and scientists for thousands of years. Traditionally, dream content is measured by the subjective recollections of the dreamer upon waking. However, observation is also accomplished through objective evaluation in a lab.

In one study, researchers even created a rudimentary dream content map that was able to track what people dreamed about in real time using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) patterns. The map was then backed up by the dreamers’ reports upon waking.

What Dream Theory Suggests About the Role of Dreams

Some of the more prominent dream theories suggest that the reason we dream is to:

• Consolidate memories
• Process emotions
• Express our deepest desires
• Gain practice confronting potential dangers

Many experts believe that we dream due to a combination of these reasons rather than any one particular theory. Additionally, while many researchers believe that dreaming is essential to mental, emotional, and physical well-being, some scientists suggest that dreams serve no real purpose at all.

Dreaming during different phases of sleep may also serve unique purposes. The most vivid dreams happen during rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, and these are the dreams that we’re most likely to recall. We also dream during non-rapid eye movement (non-REM) sleep, but those dreams are known to be remembered less often and have more mundane content.

Sigmund Freud’s Dream Theory

Sigmund Freud’s theory of dreams suggests that dreams represent unconscious desires, thoughts, wish fulfillment, and motivations. According to Freud, people are driven by repressed and unconscious longings, such as aggressive and sexual instincts.

While many of Freud’s assertions have been debunked, research suggests there is a dream rebound effect, also known as dream rebound theory, in which suppression of a thought tends to result in dreaming about it.

Activation-Synthesis Dream Theory

According to the activation-synthesis model of dreaming, which was first proposed by J. Allan Hobson and Robert McCarley, circuits in the brain become activated during REM sleep, which triggers the amygdala and hippocampus to create an array of electrical impulses. This results in a compilation of random thoughts, images, and memories that appear while dreaming.

When we wake, our active minds pull together the dream’s various images and memory fragments to create a cohesive narrative. 

Self-Organization Dream Theory

According to the information-processing theory, sleep allows us to consolidate and process all of the information and memories that we have collected during the previous day. Some dream experts suggest that dreaming is a byproduct, or even an active part, of this experience processing. 

During this process of unconscious information redistribution, it is suggested that memories are either strengthened or weakened. According to the self-organization theory of dreaming, while we dream, helpful memories are made stronger, while less useful ones fade away.

Research supports this theory, finding improvement in complex tasks when a person dreams about doing them. Studies also show that during REM sleep, low-frequency theta waves were more active in the frontal lobe, just like they are when people are learning, storing, and remembering information when awake.

Creativity and Problem-Solving Dream Theory

Another theory about dreams says that their purpose is to help us solve problems. In this creativity theory of dreaming, the unconstrained, unconscious mind is free to wander its limitless potential while unburdened by the often stifling realities of the conscious world. In fact, research has shown dreaming to be an effective promoter of creative thinking.

Scientific research and anecdotal evidence back up the fact that many people do successfully mine their dreams for inspiration and credit their dreams for their big “aha” moments.

Continuity Hypothesis Dream Theory

Under the continuity hypothesis, dreams function as a reflection of a person’s real life, incorporating conscious experiences into their dreams. Rather than a straightforward replay of waking life, dreams show up as a patchwork of memory fragments.

Still, studies show that non-REM sleep may be more involved with declarative memory (the more routine stuff), while REM dreams include more emotional and instructive memories.

Under the continuity hypothesis, memories may be fragmented purposefully in our dreams as part of incorporating new learning and experiences into long-term memory. Still, there are many unanswered questions as to why some aspects of memories are featured more or less prominently in our dreams.

Rehearsal and Adaptation Dream Theory

The primitive instinct rehearsal and adaptive strategy theories of dreaming propose that we dream to better prepare ourselves to confront dangers in the real world. The dream as a social simulation function or threat simulation provides the dreamer a safe environment to practice important survival skills.

While dreaming, we hone our fight-or-flight instincts and build mental capability for handling threatening scenarios. Under the threat simulation theory, our sleeping brains focus on the fight-or-flight mechanism to prep us for life-threatening and/or emotionally intense scenarios including:

• Running away from a pursuer
• Falling over a cliff
• Showing up somewhere naked
• Going to the bathroom in public
• Forgetting to study for a final exam

Emotional Regulation Dream Theory

The emotional regulation dream theory says that the function of dreams is to help us process and cope with our emotions or trauma in the safe space of slumber.

Research shows that the amygdala, which is involved in processing emotions, and the hippocampus, which plays a vital role in condensing information and moving it from short-term to long-term memory storage, are active during vivid, intense dreaming.

This theory suggests that REM sleep plays a vital role in emotional brain regulation. It also helps explain why so many dreams are emotionally vivid and why emotional or traumatic experiences tend to show up on repeat. Research has shown a connection between the ability to process emotions and the amount of REM sleep a person gets.

Other Theories About Why We Dream

Many other theories have been suggested to account for why we dream.

• One dream theory contends that dreams are the result of our brains trying to interpret external stimuli (such as a dog’s bark, music, or a baby’s cry) during sleep.
• Another theory uses a computer metaphor to account for dreams, noting that dreams serve to “clean up” clutter from the mind, refreshing the brain for the next day.
• The reverse-learning theory suggests that we dream to forget. Our brains have thousands of neural connections between memories—too many to remember them all—and that dreaming is part of “pruning” those connections.
• In the continual-activation theory, we dream to keep the brain active while we sleep, in order to keep it functioning properly.

Lucid Dreaming

Lucid dreams are relatively rare dreams where the dreamer has awareness of being in their dream and often has some control over the dream content. Research indicates that around 50% of people recall having had at least one lucid dream in their lifetime and just over 10% report having them two or more times per month.

It is unknown why certain people experience lucid dreams more frequently than others. While experts are unclear as to why or how lucid dreaming occurs, preliminary research signals that the prefrontal and parietal regions of the brain play a significant role.

A strong link has been found between lucid dreaming and highly imaginative thinking and creative output. Research has shown that lucid dreamers perform better on creative tasks than those who do not experience lucid dreaming.

Stress Dreams

Stressful experiences tend to show up with great frequency in our dreams. Stress dreams may be described as sad, scary, and nightmarish.

Experts do not fully understand how or why specific stressful content ends up in our dreams, but many point to a variety of theories, including the continuity hypothesis, adaptive strategy, and emotional regulation dream theories to explain these occurrences. Stress dreams and mental health seem to go hand-in-hand.

• Daily stress shows up in dreams: Research has shown that those who experience greater levels of worry in their waking lives and people diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) report higher frequency and intensity of nightmares.
• Mental health disorders may contribute to stress dreams: Those with mental health disorders such as anxiety, bipolar disorder, and depression tend to have more distressing dreams, as well as more difficulty sleeping in general.
• Anxiety is linked to stress dreams: Research indicates a strong connection between anxiety and stressful dream content. These dreams may be the brain’s attempt to help us cope with and make sense of these stressful experiences.

There are times when our partner will be upset with us. Maybe we know why, or we might have no clue what we did to hurt them. While we may want to avoid further conflict and wait for things to blow over, research shows that tackling issues head-on is usually the best course of action.

Though it may be uncomfortable at first, having open and honest conversations can benefit our relationship in the long run. ​Below are some ways to improve communication with our partners when we’ve hurt them, whether with our words or actions.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

We may not like how our partner feels or disagree with their response, but it’s still important to respect their feelings and show empathy. All they want is to feel understood, accepted, and cared for—like we really get them.

Think about how nice it is to hear the words, “I can understand why that would make you angry.” This type of statement can make our partner feel heard while also letting them know that it’s okay for them to feel the way they feel. 

Take Responsibility

When we do something that hurts our partner, whether intentionally or not, it’s always best to own up to what we did wrong. If we’re not clear on what we said or did that was hurtful, just ask.

It’s important to show our partner that we know we made a mistake and that we’re willing to take responsibility for our actions. This means avoiding the use of phrases such as, “I’m sorry if you were hurt,” or, “I’m sorry you were upset.”

These statements shift the responsibility from us to our partner. It’s the same as saying, “You weren’t supposed to get hurt/upset about something so tiny, but I’ll apologize out of pity.” Instead, we need to take responsibility for the hurtful things we said or did.

Here are some helpful phrases:  

• “I know what I did was wrong. I wish I had thought before I acted. I made a big mistake.”
• “There’s no excuse for what I did.”
• “The way I spoke to you was wrong, and I didn’t realize how much I hurt you.”

Explain, Don’t Excuse

Prefacing an apology with, “I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses, but…,” can send the wrong message. Offering an excuse for what we did means that we aren’t taking responsibility. Instead, it’s meant to deflect the blame to someone or something else.

For example, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you but I’m really stressed,” is an excuse for how we responded to a situation. This can weaken the apology as we’re not taking accountability for our actions and how they affected our partner.

On the other hand, providing an explanation while still acknowledging the wrongdoing emphasizes the apology: “I’ve been under a lot of stress, but that’s not an excuse for yelling.” This gives our partner more background that helps explain our actions or responses without trying to justify them.

Offer a Genuine Apology

If we’ve hurt our partner and want to apologize for our actions, it’s important that we are sincere in the apology. This involves owning up to exactly what we did wrong and identifying it. It can also be a good idea to go beyond just saying we’re sorry by following through with actions that reflect what we’re apologizing for.

Be patient with this process as showing we’re sorry can take time. Additionally, while it’s important to ask for forgiveness, keep in mind that our partner may not be ready.

In the meantime, it’s helpful to think carefully about what we can do to make things right. If we’re not sure what would help, a good next step is to ask our partner what we can do to make them feel better. Token gestures, empty promises, and insincere apologies can do more harm than good.

Be Open and Flexible

We may find it hard to not get defensive when our partner expresses dissatisfaction with something we did or said. It can also be difficult to put ourselves in our partner’s shoes. Resolving conflict in our relationship can feel uncomfortable, but being flexible in how we think about the situation can be helpful.

One approach is to try to see the situation from our partner’s perspective. This is referred to as cognitive reframing. Not only could this be a step toward understanding them more deeply, but it also may indicate to them that we’re invested in resolving the issue.

Learn From What Happened

Conflicts that linger can be detrimental to a relationship. So, it’s helpful to learn from what we did to prevent the same thing from happening over and over again.

This begins by recognizing what we said or did to upset our partner and storing it away. Taking steps to get to know and understand them better can strengthen our relationship.

When Our Partner Is Still Upset

If a lot of time passes and our partner is still upset, we may need a bit more help. Conflicts that fester aren’t beneficial for anyone, so it’s a good idea to resolve them as soon as we realize they’re still lingering or if they reappear.

Getting professional help could be the next best step if our partner is still hurt over what happened. It can be difficult to heal a relationship after major hurts have occurred. If we feel stuck in our efforts to repair the damage, we may want to consider couples counseling. 

Couples counseling can be very effective, especially if couples seek it out sooner rather than later. A counselor can help us identify destructive patterns and teach us how to communicate more effectively. Counseling can also give us insight into our partner’s feelings and concerns. 

People change. People take longer to find themselves. Life will always throw you curveballs you never saw coming. Finding out your partner is gay or queer is one of these complicated situations that are both positive on certain levels and devastating on others. It’s a lot to unpack.

You may have had your suspicions your partner was somewhere on the Kinsey Scale—lots of people are bisexual or bicurious in heterosexual relationships and these relationships are still strong. It’s not until your partner tells you directly that they are gay—as in they’ve realized they are more attracted to the same sex than the opposite sex—that you might be facing a significant challenge.

You’ll inevitably be left with questions about your future, the future of your marriage, and how your relationship with your partner will change. This is a delicate and complicated situation but you will get through it. The key is to focus on understanding and accepting your partner for who they are now and finding the best path towards restoring happiness for you both.

On Finding Out Your Partner Is Gay

Unless your spouse shares their sexual orientation with you, there is no way to know for sure if they are gay or queer. So-called “signs” like how your spouse talks, walks, dresses, or looks are not indications of sexual orientation. Nor are sexual preferences, including oral and anal sex.

Rather than making assumptions, the best way to know for sure is to have an open dialogue with your spouse. You’d never want to directly out your partner, it’s ok to bring up observations you’ve had about them while emphasizing your love and support for them no matter what they say.

If your partner isn’t ready to talk about it, accept that truth. They will come out to you whenever the time is right. This experience is just as hard for them—if not more—as it is for you.

While the following signs may relate to your spouse’s sexual orientation, they can also be attributed to other problems in their life or your marriage:

• You notice your spouse has lost interest in sex or has trouble engaging in sex.
• You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about themselves.
• You notice pop-ups of gay pornography or gay dating sites on their devices.
• You notice a new group of friends on their social media, many of whom are openly gay or queer.
• You notice them talking more about gay people in conversation, either in a positive light or derogatory manner.

Do Mixed Orientation Relationships Work?

Mixed orientation couples are those in which the partners do not share the same sexual orientation. Examples of mixed orientation couples include partnerships in which one partner is straight and the other is not, but could also include relationships in which one partner identifies as lesbian and the other identifies as bisexual, for example.

According to one study, there are up to two million couples in which one member identifies as straight and the other does not. Among these couples, when the gay, lesbian, or bisexual partner comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years and then split; the remaining third try to make their marriages work. Of these, half split up, while the other half stay together for three or more years.

Key Issues Facing a Straight Spouse

There’s no question that learning your partner is gay when you believed them to be straight can be extremely difficult. Among the things you may feel:

• Sexual rejection
• Damaged sexual self-esteem
• Wondering things like “what did I do to cause this?” or “am I not masculine/feminine enough?”
• Low self-image and a high level of self-doubt
• Concern about the children: How will they handle the news? How will it affect them?
• Feeling like your life has been shattered and you were living a lie
• Confusion about your relationship or marriage
• Fear of having your family torn apart
• Hurt over feeling that you have been lied to
• Bitterness, fear, shock, despair, devastation, hurt, and anger
• Shame, secrecy, and a fear of lack of acceptance
• Anxiety about whether your partner or spouse has been unfaithful
• Fear of having been exposed to or having contracted sexually transmitted infections if your partner has been unfaithful (If this is a concern, talk to your partner and get tested.)

Things to Do and Not to Do

When you’re in love, especially in those early stages where every call, text, or in-person meeting is enough to leave you buzzing—it can be very easy to slip into a habit where you constantly crave the attention of your partner.

However, despite your best intentions, acting clingy towards your significant other may not always be an attractive trait. In some cases, it can do more harm than good in your relationship. Clinging to someone or something is a tendency to stay very close to someone (such as a parent or partner) for emotional support, protection, and more.

We’ll be taking a look at what it means to be clingy, why it happens, and most importantly—how to get it under control so you can enjoy a healthy and happy relationship with your partner.

How to Stop Being Clingy

If you want to stop being clingy, some strategies can help. Consider trying some of these tactics to feel more secure and less clingy in your relationship:

• Figure out why you are clingy and work on addressing your unmet needs
• Talk to your partner and be direct about your needs
• Find ways to distract yourself
• Establish boundaries and then respect them
• Take time to focus on yourself
• Spend time with supportive friends and family, and make sure that you are not neglecting your other relationships
• Look for ways to improve your self-esteem and self-confidence
• Get treatment for any mental health symptoms you might experience, including anxiety and depression

Examples of Clinginess in Relationships

Whereas children cry and throw tantrums when separated from a parental figure, being clingy may manifest in different forms in a romantic relationship. It includes engaging in acts such as:

• Calling your partner several times a day
• Repeatedly messaging them throughout the day
• Working yourself into a panic when they don’t respond
• Constantly stalking your partner’s activities on social media
• Feeling threatened by their friends or co-workers of the opposite sex
• Constantly wanting an invite to every event your partner plans to attend
• Having less and less time for your friends
• Constantly seeking reassurance of your partner’s feelings for you
• Attempting to speed up the relationship quickly by professing love too early, dropping premature hints of marriage, etc.

If these are behaviors that you find yourself frequently engaging in, the reality may be a hard pill to swallow. However, while it may not be immediately apparent, there is an underlying reason why you tend to cling to partners during your relationships.

Why Do We Get Clingy?

Requiring constant interaction or assurance of your partner may seem rooted in your love for them, but it is more likely indicative of a separate, possibly serious condition.

Anxiety and Attachment

Anxious behavior was beneficial in evolution, when survival against wild creatures was heavily reliant on being close to an adult or a stronger caregiver. This process was managed by the attachment system—where vulnerable people innately sought out caregivers for protection, especially when they were stressed.

Fast forward a few thousand years, and this behavior can be found every once in a while in romantic relationships. People that exhibit clingy traits are likely to have anxious attachment styles towards their partners.

They may constantly worry about being underappreciated or abandoned in their relationships. You’ll find that a clingy person is constantly on the lookout for the first signs that their partner is pulling away from them.

To avoid this, and to feel more secure in their relationship, a clingy person may do everything they can to get closer to their partners emotionally. Unfortunately, this can end up smothering their significant others, and may even be responsible for driving a wedge in the relationship.

However, beyond affecting just partners, people that are clingy in relationships may be poorly adjusted. They also deny themselves the opportunity to fully enjoy their relationships.

How to Not Be Clingy

Although detaching yourself from a person you’re so invested in can be difficult, you can make some simple changes to avoid being clingy in a relationship.

Accept that there may be an issue

An important thing to do when making a change is to take personal inventory of your actions. By doing this, you can observe whether or not you are indeed clingy.

If you find that you are constantly seeking to communicate/meet up with your partner, or if you are tirelessly monitoring their activities on social media—there’s a high chance that you are clingy.

Accepting this fact frees you to take the steps necessary for changing your pattern of behavior. It is especially important to perform this exercise, because the word ‘clingy’ has significant power as an insult.

Look within yourself to determine if you fit the bill, or if a person is unfairly describing you in a certain way. After careful introspection, if your actions don’t qualify as clingy, simply focus on building a healthy relationship with your partner.

Talk to your partner about it

After accepting that you can come off as clingy, speaking to your partner about how your actions make them feel can put things into perspective. It can provide insight into the changes that are required to maintain healthy interactions.

Speaking about actions you take that set them off the most can be eye-opening. You can discuss a shared idea of what would qualify as wholesome, less-smothering communication in your relationship.

It may hurt to hear that the efforts you put into the relationship, seemingly to feel closer to your partner, are in fact backfiring. However, simply focus on the fact that your relationship is still standing, and can be salvaged with the right changes.

Take some time to focus on yourself

Take the time to re-discover yourself. What are the things you like to do? What are those books you’ve been meaning to read? Give them a shot.

When you feel the usual urge to reach out to your partner in quick succession, fight it off and use that trigger as a reminder to focus on a thing that benefits you directly.

This is not to say, however, that you should keep away from your partner. Rather, keeping your correspondence and hangouts to a time and frequency both of you agree is more suitable can help to strengthen your relationship.

Spend more time with friends

When you are in love, it’s easy to feel consumed by your feelings and focus all your energies on your partner. This can be unhealthy for other relationships and can strain the connection you already built with friends, long before the start of your relationship.

This will not only strengthen your bond with friends, but it can also serve as a welcome difference from being in constant contact with your partner.

Get help with managing anxiety

Because clinginess often stems from fears of being abandoned or replaced, it can be very helpful to your relationship and well-being to receive professional help if you are dealing with anxiety

Therapy can help you understand why you become so strongly attached to people, and can give useful tips for managing your attachments. This may convey benefits that not only promote your wellness, but can even strengthen your relationship.

If Your Partner Is Clingy

If you’re feeling smothered in your relationship because your partner is clingy, try these strategies:

Talk about it. Discuss the issue together, whether between yourselves or in counseling. Bringing it out into the open can help both of you explore and understand the reasons for their clingy behavior and address it in a healthy way.

Set healthy boundaries. Communicate them clearly so there’s no room for hurt or misunderstanding, and make them specific to your relationship. For example, if your partner calls you continuously while you’re at work, set a specific time for a call. If your partner won’t go to a social function alone, or will not tolerate you doing so, make it clear that doing some things independently is healthy and necessary for the relationship to continue. If your partner contacts you repeatedly while you are at such an event, tell them you’ll answer once and only once.

Reassure your partner. Explain that independence does not mean that you don’t care for them, and that the spaces in your relationship only strengthen the feelings you have for them.

If it’s just too much, get help. If the clinginess verges into stalking, harassment, physical or emotional aggression, or other dangerous behavior, involve the authorities.

Being in a new relationship can be exciting. However, if you’ve recently been through a breakup and aren’t over your ex yet, it may be a rebound relationship.

A rebound is often brief, and can be emotionally confusing, as you may be unsure of what you want and are still heavily emotionally engaged with the past, says Stein. “Most people find themselves in rebound relationships unconsciously, but sometimes it is very intentional.”

This article explores the characteristics of rebound relationships and how they can impact you.

Are You Ready for a Relationship? Take the Quiz

This fast and free quiz can help you determine whether or not you are truly ready for a new relationship.

This relationship quiz was medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Characteristics of a Rebound Relationship

These are some of the signs of rebound relationships, according to Stein:

• Recent breakup: The surest sign of a rebound relationship is that the person has recently come out of a serious relationship. 
• Comparisons to an ex: Another sign of a rebound relationship might include comparing a current partner to an ex—even favorably—as it is a sign that the previous relationship is still being worked through.
• Fear of commitment: Someone in a rebound relationship may want to avoid commitment.
• Rapid pace: On the other hand, someone in a rebound relationship may want to speed up the dating process to get back to the intimate and entwined state of their previous relationship.

Why People Seek Rebound Relationships

Below, Stein lists some of the reasons why people might seek rebound relationships.

To Get Over a Breakup

Often, rebound relationships are about the person who has been through a difficult breakup trying to meet their social, physical, and emotional needs. Sometimes this is at the expense of their new partner, who they might struggle to see fully with all the emotional turmoil they are experiencing.

To Form an Emotional Connection

A person might also seek out a rebound relationship to playfully begin to connect with others.

This process can sometimes this can be healing, if they’re honest and open with their partner about their emotional state and capacity. It can work to affirm their identity and make them feel excited about life again after a difficult breakup.

Having conscious awareness about one’s emotional needs and limitations following a breakup is very important for maintaining mental well-being, and can help prevent unhealthy behaviors to cover up or avoid negative emotions.

Impact of a Rebound Relationship

Rebound relationships can affect the mental health of both partners. Stein outlines some of the effects below.

Impact on Your Mental Health

If you have entered into a rebound relationship after a breakup, it’s important to check in with yourself to make sure there isn’t any emotional work you’re avoiding.

Breakups can be amazing learning opportunities, and sometimes rebound relationships can actually prevent growth and lead to stagnation. You might not truly process your past relationship or breakup, and miss the opportunity for personal growth that is tied to experiencing those negative emotions.

How it Affects Your Partner’s Mental Health 

Rebound relationships can be nurturing and healthy, if they are what both parties want and need at a particular moment in their lives.

However, if both parties are not on the same page about where they are emotionally, and one member is fully present in the relationship while the other is reacting to the past, it can be a challenge to both people’s well-being. 

If a relationship is making you feel less secure in yourself, it is worth exploring why you are in that relationship, and whether it’s really worth your time and energy.

Can Rebound Relationships Last?

“Rebound relationships typically last between one month and a year, and commonly struggle to last past the initial infatuation period. They are often not based on deep compatibility, so differences can start to strain the connection,” says Stein.

According to her, one or both members might also need to be single for a time, to actually perform the work for personal growth that should have occurred after their last breakup.

That said, she adds that rebound relationships can certainly turn into long-term, committed relationships.

In these scenarios, the relationship grows past its “rebound” status by no longer being a reactionary relationship, but instead evolving into a serious connection that is about the joyful present and building a future together, says Stein. “These relationships, like any healthy relationship, are based on mutual respect, trust, support for each other’s growth, and compassion.”

What to Do If You’re in a Rebound Relationship

If you find yourself in a rebound relationship, Stein recommends asking yourself whether this is a healthy situation for you. 

If you have begun a new relationship shortly after a breakup, she says to ask yourself the following questions:

• Am I processing the past relationship? 
• Have I learned from it? 
• Am I uncomfortable being alone? 
• Am I relying on someone else to validate my worth? 

If you are in a relationship with someone who is on the rebound, she says to ask yourself the following questions:

• Are my needs being met in this dynamic? 
• Does this person have the capacity for the kind of connection I want? 
• Do I feel lonely in this relationship? 
• Is there a third person in this relationship?

If you’re having a hard time exploring any issues that come up, it may be helpful to see a therapist.