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Failing to manage your anger can lead to a variety of problems like saying things you regret, yelling at your kids, threatening your co-workers, sending rash emails, developing health problems, or even resorting to physical violence. But not all anger issues are that serious. Instead, your anger might involve wasting time thinking about upsetting events, getting frustrated in traffic, or venting about work.

Managing anger doesn’t mean never getting angry. Instead, it involves learning how to recognize, cope with, and express your anger in healthy and productive ways. Anger management is a skill that everyone can learn. Even if you think you have your anger under control, there’s always room for improvement.

While anger itself isn’t a mental illness, in some cases, anger can be connected to mood disorders, substance use disorders, and other mental health conditions.

So, you may be wondering, How do I become less angry? While change may not happen overnight, there are plenty of strategies you can use to cope with your anger.

Take the Anger Test

This short, free 21-item test measures a variety of symptoms and feelings associated with anger, such as anger about the present and future, anger towards the self, and hostile feelings toward others.

This anger quiz was medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS.

Anger Management Strategies

Research consistently shows that cognitive behavioral interventions are effective for managing anger. These interventions involve changing the way you think and behave. They are based on the notion that your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected. (Cognitive behavioral interventions are also taught in anger management therapy.)

Your thoughts and behaviors can either fuel your emotions or they can reduce them. So, if you want to shift your emotional state away from anger, you can change what you’re thinking and what you’re doing. Without fuel, the fire inside you will begin to dwindle and you’ll feel calmer.

The following are 11 strategies to manage anger and to include in your anger management control plan.

Identify Triggers

If you’ve gotten into the habit of losing your temper, take stock of the things that trigger your anger. Long lines, traffic jams, snarky comments, or excessive tiredness are just a few things that might shorten your fuse.

While you shouldn’t blame people or external circumstances for your inability to keep your cool, understanding the things that trigger your anger can help you plan accordingly.

You might decide to structure your day differently to help you manage your stress better. Or, you might practice some anger management techniques before you encounter circumstances that you usually find distressing. Doing these things can help you lengthen your fuse—meaning that a single frustrating episode won’t set you off.

Consider Whether Your Anger Is Helpful or Unhelpful

Before you spring into action to calm yourself down, ask yourself if your anger is a friend or an enemy. If you’re witnessing someone’s rights being violated or you are in an unhealthy situation, your anger might be helpful.

In these cases, you might proceed by changing the situation rather than changing your emotional state. Sometimes, your anger is a warning sign that something else needs to change—like an emotionally abusive relationship or a toxic friendship.

If, however, your anger is causing distress or hurting your relationships, your anger may be an enemy. Other signs of this type of anger include feeling out of control and regretting your words or actions later. In these situations, it makes sense to work on tackling your emotions and calming yourself down.

Recognize Your Warning Signs

If you’re like some people, you may feel like your anger hits you in an instant. Perhaps you go from calm to furious in a heartbeat. But there are still likely warning signs when your anger is on the rise. Recognizing them early can help you take action to prevent your anger from reaching a boiling point.

Think about the physical warning signs of anger that you experience. Perhaps your heart beats faster or your face feels hot. Or, maybe you begin to clench your fists. You also might notice some cognitive changes. Perhaps your mind races or you begin “seeing red.”

By recognizing your warning signs, you have the opportunity to take immediate action and prevent yourself from doing or saying things that create bigger problems. Learn to pay attention to how you’re feeling and you’ll get better at recognizing the warning signs.

Step Away From the Triggering Situation

Trying to win an argument or sticking it out in an unhealthy situation will only fuel your anger. One of the best anger management exercises is to remove yourself from the situation if you can.

If there’s someone that you routinely get into heated disputes with, like a friend or family member, talk with them about the importance of taking a time-out and resuming when you’re both feeling calm.

When you need to step away, explain that you aren’t trying to dodge difficult subjects, but that you’re working on managing your anger. You aren’t able to have a productive conversation or resolve conflict when you’re feeling really upset. You can rejoin the discussion or address the issue again when you’re feeling calmer.

Sometimes it helps to set a specific time and place when you can discuss the issue again. Doing so gives your friend, colleague, or family member a sense of peace that the issue will indeed be discussed—just at a later time.

Talk Through Your Feelings

If there’s someone who has a calming effect on you, talking through an issue or expressing your feelings to that person may be helpful. It’s important to note, however, that venting can backfire.

Complaining about your boss, describing all the reasons you don’t like someone, or grumbling about all of your perceived injustices may add fuel to the fire. A common misconception is that you have to vent your anger to feel better.

But studies show you don’t need to “get your anger out.” Smashing things when you’re upset, for example, may actually make you angrier. So it’s important to use this coping skill with caution.

Likewise, if you’re going to talk to a friend, make sure you’re working on developing a solution or reducing your anger, not just venting. It’s unfair to use them as your go-to sounding board. Instead, you might find that the best way to use this strategy is to talk about something other than the situation causing you to feel angry.

Get in a Quick Workout

Anger gives you a rush of energy. One of the best anger management exercises is quite literally to exercise and engage in physical activity. Whether you go for a brisk walk or hit the gym, working out can burn off extra tension.

Regular exercise also helps you decompress. Aerobic activity reduces stress, which might help improve your frustration tolerance. Additionally, exercise allows you to clear your mind. You may find that after a long run or a hard workout you have a clearer perspective on what was troubling you.

Focus on the Facts

Angry thoughts add fuel to your anger. Thinking things like, “I can’t stand it. This traffic jam is going to ruin everything,” will increase your frustration. When you find yourself thinking about things that fuel your anger, reframe your thoughts.

Instead, think about the facts by saying something like, “There are millions of cars on the road every day. Sometimes, there will be traffic jams.” Focusing on the facts—without adding in catastrophic predictions or distorted exaggerations—can help you stay calmer.

You also might develop a mantra that you can repeat to drown out the thoughts that fuel your anger. Saying, “I’m OK. Stay calm,” or “Not helpful,” over and over again can help you minimize or reduce angry thoughts.

Distract Yourself With a New Activity

Ruminating about an upsetting situation fuels angry feelings. If, for example, you’ve had a bad day at work, rehashing everything that went wrong all evening will keep you stuck in a state of frustration.

Telling yourself “Don’t think about that,” isn’t always successful. The best way to mentally shift gears is to distract yourself with an activity. Do something that requires your focus and makes it more challenging for angry or negative thoughts to creep in.

Some examples might include deep-cleaning the kitchen, weeding the garden, paying some bills, or playing with the kids. Find something to do that will keep your mind occupied enough that you won’t ruminate on the things upsetting you. Then, your body and your brain can calm down.

Breathe and Relax

There are many different anger management exercises that involve relaxation. The key is to find the one that works best for you. Breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation are two common strategies for reducing tension.

The best part is, both exercises can be performed quickly and discreetly. So whether you’re frustrated at work or you’re angry at a dinner engagement, you can let go of stress quickly and immediately.

It’s important to note, however, that relaxation exercises take practice. At first, you might not feel as though they’re effective, or you might question whether they’re going to work for you. But with practice, they can become your go-to strategies for anger management.

Acknowledge Your Underlying Emotion

Sometimes it helps to take a moment and think about what emotions might be lurking beneath your anger. Anger often serves as a protective mask to help you avoid feeling more painful emotions, like embarrassment, sadness, and disappointment.

When someone gives you feedback that’s hard to hear, for example, you might lash out in anger because you’re embarrassed. Convincing yourself the other person is bad for criticizing you might make you feel better in the moment because it keeps your embarrassment at bay. But acknowledging underlying emotions can help you get to the root of the problem. Then, you can decide to take appropriate action.

For instance, if someone cancels plans on you and your underlying emotion is disappointment, you could try explaining how the cancellation makes you feel rather than lashing out in anger. When you’re honest about your feelings, you’re more likely to resolve the issue. Responding in anger usually doesn’t accomplish anything except pushing people away.

Create a “Calm-Down” Kit

If you tend to come home from work stressed and take out your anger on your family, or you know that workplace meetings cause you a lot of frustration, create a calm-down kit that you can use to relax.

Think about objects that help engage all your senses. When you can look, hear, see, smell, and touch calming things, you can change your emotional state. So a calm-down kit might include scented hand lotion, a picture of a serene landscape, a spiritual passage you can read aloud, and a few pieces of your favorite candy. Include things that you know will help you remain calm.

You also might create a virtual calm-down kit that you can take everywhere. These are things that you can call upon when needed and are more portable. For instance, calming music and images, guided meditation, or instructions for breathing exercises could be stored in a special folder on your smartphone.

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Why Manage Anger?

Anger is an emotion that can range from mild irritation to intense rage. While many people categorize anger as a solely “negative emotion,” it can be positive. Angry feelings may spur you to stand up for someone or they may lead you to create social change.

But when left unchecked, angry feelings can lead to aggressive behavior, like yelling at someone or damaging property. Angry feelings also may cause you to withdraw from the world and turn your anger inward, which can impact your health and well-being.

Anger becomes problematic when it’s felt too often or too intensely or when it’s expressed in unhealthy ways, which can take a toll physically, mentally, and socially. For this reason, anger management strategies can be beneficial and can help you discover healthy ways to express your feelings.

Getting Help

If anger has been causing problems in your life and you’re struggling to tame your temper on your own, you might want to seek professional help. Some mental health problems can be linked to anger management issues.

For example, PTSD has been linked to aggressive outbursts. Depressive disorders also can cause irritability and may make it more difficult to manage anger. It’s important to uncover any mental health issues that could hinder your ability to manage anger.

Start by talking to a physician about your mood and your behavior. A physician will make sure you don’t have any physical health issues that are contributing to the problem.

A doctor may refer you to a mental health professional for further evaluation. Depending on your goals and treatment needs, you may attend anger management therapy, during which you’ll learn additional anger management therapy techniques and how to implement them in your daily life—especially when you’re feeling triggered.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapeutic treatment that helps people learn how to identify and change the destructive or disturbing thought patterns that have a negative influence on their behavior and emotions.

Cognitive behavioral therapy combines cognitive therapy with behavior therapy by identifying maladaptive patterns of thinking, emotional responses, or behaviors and replacing them with more desirable or helpful patterns.

Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on changing the automatic negative thoughts that can contribute to and worsen our emotional difficulties, depression, and anxiety. These spontaneous negative thoughts also have a detrimental influence on our mood.

Through CBT, faulty thoughts are identified, challenged, and replaced with more objective, realistic thoughts.

Types of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

CBT encompasses a range of techniques and approaches that address our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. These can range from structured psychotherapies to self-help practices. Some of the specific types of therapeutic approaches that involve cognitive behavioral therapy include:

• Cognitive therapy: Centers on identifying and changing inaccurate or distorted thought patterns, emotional responses, and behaviors.
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): Addresses destructive or disturbing thoughts and behaviors while incorporating treatment strategies such as emotional regulation and mindfulness.
• Multimodal therapy: Suggests that psychological issues must be treated by addressing seven different but interconnected modalities: behavior, affect, sensation, imagery, cognition, interpersonal factors, and drug/biological considerations.
• Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT): Involves identifying irrational beliefs, actively challenging these beliefs, and finally learning to recognize and change these thought patterns.

While each type of cognitive behavioral therapy takes a different approach, all work to address the underlying thought patterns that contribute to psychological distress.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques

CBT is about more than identifying thought patterns. It uses a wide range of strategies to help people overcome these patterns. Here are just a few examples of techniques used in cognitive behavioral therapy. 

Identifying Negative Thoughts

It is important to learn what thoughts, feelings, and situations are contributing to maladaptive, unhelpful, or harmful behaviors. This process can be difficult, however, especially for people who struggle with introspection. But taking the time to identify these thoughts can lead to self-discovery and provide insights that are essential to the treatment process.

Practicing New Skills

In cognitive behavioral therapy, people are often taught new skills that can be used in real-world situations. For example, someone with a substance use disorder might practice new coping skills and rehearse ways to avoid or deal with social situations that could potentially trigger a relapse.

Goal-Setting

Goal setting can be an important step in recovery from mental illness, helping you to make changes to improve your health and life. During cognitive behavioral therapy, a therapist can help you build and strengthen your goal-setting skills.

This might involve teaching you how to identify your goal or how to distinguish between short- and long-term goals. It may also include helping you set SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based), with a focus on the process as much as the end outcome.

Problem-Solving

Learning problem-solving skills during cognitive behavioral therapy can help you learn how to identify and solve problems that may arise from life stressors, both big and small. It can also help reduce the negative impact of psychological and physical illness.

Problem-solving in CBT often involves five steps:

1. Identify the problem
2. Generate a list of potential solutions
3. Evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of each potential solution
4. Choose a solution to implement
5. Implement the solution

Self-Monitoring

Also known as diary work, self-monitoring is an important cognitive behavioral therapy technique. It involves tracking behaviors, symptoms, or experiences over time and sharing them with your therapist.

Self-monitoring can provide your therapist with the information they need to give you the best treatment. For example, for people with eating disorders, self-monitoring may involve keeping track of eating habits, as well as any thoughts or feelings that went along with consuming a meal or snack.

What Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can Help With

Cognitive behavioral therapy can be used as a short-term treatment to help individuals learn to focus on present thoughts and beliefs.

CBT is used to treat a wide range of conditions, including:

In addition to mental health conditions, cognitive behavioral therapy has also been found to help people cope with:

Benefits of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

The underlying concept behind CBT is that thoughts and feelings play a fundamental role in behavior. For example, a person who spends a lot of time thinking about plane crashes, runway accidents, and other air disasters may avoid air travel as a result.

The goal of cognitive behavioral therapy is to teach people that while they cannot control every aspect of the world around them, they can take control of how they interpret and deal with things in their environment.

CBT is known for providing the following key benefits:

• It helps you develop healthier thought patterns by becoming aware of the negative and often unrealistic thoughts that dampen your feelings and moods.
• It is an effective short-term treatment option as improvements can often be seen in five to 20 sessions.
• It is effective for a wide variety of maladaptive behaviors.
• It is often more affordable than some other types of therapy.
• It is effective whether therapy occurs online or face-to-face.
• It can be used for those who don’t require psychotropic medication.

Effectiveness of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

CBT emerged during the 1960s and originated in the work of psychiatrist Aaron Beck, who noted that certain types of thinking contributed to emotional problems. Beck labeled these “automatic negative thoughts” and developed the process of cognitive therapy. 

Where earlier behavior therapies had focused almost exclusively on associations, reinforcements, and punishments to modify behavior, the cognitive approach addresses how thoughts and feelings affect behaviors.

Today, cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the most well-studied forms of treatment. It has been shown to be effective in the treatment of a range of mental conditions, including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, insomnia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and substance use disorder.

• Research indicates that cognitive behavioral therapy is the leading evidence-based treatment for eating disorders.
• CBT has been proven helpful in those with insomnia, as well as those who have a medical condition that interferes with sleep, including those with pain or mood disorders such as depression.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy has been scientifically proven to be effective in treating symptoms of depression and anxiety in children and adolescents.
• A 2018 meta-analysis of 41 studies found that CBT helped improve symptoms in people with anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy has a high level of empirical support for the treatment of substance use disorders, helping people with these disorders improve self-control, avoid triggers, and develop coping mechanisms for daily stressors.

CBT is one of the most researched types of therapy, in part, because treatment is focused on very specific goals and results can be measured relatively easily.

Things to Consider With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

There are several challenges that people may face when engaging in cognitive behavioral therapy. Here are a few to consider.

Change Can Be Difficult

Initially, some patients suggest that while they recognize that certain thoughts are not rational or healthy, simply becoming aware of these thoughts does not make it easy to alter them.

CBT Is Very Structured

Cognitive behavioral therapy doesn’t focus on underlying, unconscious resistance to change as much as other approaches, such as psychoanalytic psychotherapy. Instead, it tends to be more structured, so it may not be suitable for people who may find structure difficult or who want to more freely explore their past and their emotions.

You Must Be Willing to Change

For cognitive behavioral therapy to be effective, you must be ready and willing to spend time and effort analyzing your thoughts and feelings. This self-analysis can be difficult, but it is a great way to learn more about how your internal states impact your outward behavior.

Progress Is Often Gradual

In most cases, CBT is a gradual process that helps you take incremental steps toward behavior change. For example, someone with social anxiety might start by simply imagining anxiety-provoking social situations. Next, they may practice conversations with friends, family, and acquaintances. By progressively working toward a larger goal, the process seems less daunting and the goals easier to achieve.

There is no magic therapy bullet – all therapy, including CBT, takes time and effort.

How to Get Started With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy can be an effective treatment choice for a range of psychological issues. If you or someone you love might benefit from this form of therapy, consider the following steps:

• Consult with your physician and/or check out the directory of certified therapists offered by the National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists to locate a licensed professional in your area. You can also do a search for “cognitive behavioral therapy near me” to find local therapists who specialize in this type of therapy.
• Consider your personal preferences, including whether face-to-face or online therapy will work best for you.
• Contact your health insurance to see if it covers cognitive behavioral therapy and, if so, how many sessions are covered per year.
• Make an appointment with the therapist you’ve chosen, noting it on your calendar so you don’t forget it or accidentally schedule something else during that time.
• Show up to your first session with an open mind and positive attitude. Be ready to begin to identify the thoughts and behaviors that may be holding you back, and commit to learning the strategies that can propel you forward instead.

What to Expect With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

If you’re new to cognitive behavioral therapy, you may have uncertainties or fears of what to expect. In many ways, the first session begins much like your first appointment with any new healthcare provider.

During the first session, you’ll likely spend some time filling out paperwork such as HIPAA forms (privacy forms), insurance information, medical history, current medications, and a therapist-patient service agreement. If you’re participating in online therapy, you’ll likely fill out these forms online.

Once the therapist has a better idea of who you are, the challenges you face, and your goals for cognitive behavioral therapy, they can help you increase your awareness of the thoughts and beliefs you have that are unhelpful or unrealistic. Next, strategies are implemented to help you develop healthier thoughts and behavior patterns.

During later sessions, you will discuss how your strategies are working and change the ones that aren’t. Your therapist may also suggest cognitive behavioral therapy techniques you can do yourself between sessions, such as journaling to identify negative thoughts or practicing new skills to overcome your anxiety.

For many people, sex is a very emotional act. When having sex, you might find that you experience many emotions, from pleasure to joy. Some people might even become so overwhelmed by feelings that they start to cry.

The first thing you should know if you’ve ever found yourself in that situation is that, while it could feel moderately embarrassing, crying during sex is typically nothing to worry about. That said, it can help to understand why this happens and how to prevent it from happening again if that’s what you want. Here’s what you need to know.

Reasons for Crying During Sex

If you’ve ever cried during sex or had a partner cry, the immediate question you might ask yourself is “Why?”—especially if it seems like the tears have come out of nowhere. These are a few potential reasons to consider.

You Are in Unwanted Pain 

If you experience unwanted pain and discomfort during sex, you may begin to cry. Sex should never be painful in an undesired, uncomfortable way. Pain during sex, also known as dyspareunia, can be the result of an infection, an injury, or because there’s a lack of lubrication.

Women with a condition called vaginismus also often feel pain during sex. Vaginismus is a condition that causes vaginal muscles to tighten involuntarily, making it difficult for women to have penetrative sex. It can be treated with various types of therapy, including cognitive behavioral therapy and sex therapy.  

To address crying during sex due to pain, inform your partner immediately that you are in pain and either stop completely or slow things down significantly. Only proceed with consent, care, and clear communication.

You Are Sad or Depressed

If you’ve been feeling sad or depressed, these emotions don’t go away during sex, even though sex is meant to be a pleasurable activity. So, you might find yourself suddenly crying during random moments in your day, which could include when you’re having sex.

Seeking treatment can help you start to feel better. Depression treatment can involve medication, therapy, or a combination of both. Talking to your healthcare provider or a mental health professional is a good first step to getting help.

You Are Happy 

Believe it or not, you might cry during sex simply because you are overwhelmingly happy. This might be because you are having sex with a partner you love deeply or really enjoy sex with them. So, don’t hold back and let the tears flow if you find yourself crying because you are so ecstatic.

This can be an intimate bonding moment between you and your partner. It’s essential to communicate that you are crying because you are just so happy so that you don’t alarm your partner. 

You Are Ashamed of Having Sex 

Some people have reservations about sex, causing them to cry during the act. This occurs mainly when the sex is outside of a committed partnership or marriage. Some people cry because they view sex as a dirty act.

If you think of sex as a shameful act, unlearning these sentiments can help you have and enjoy sex comfortably. And if you have any reservations about having sex with a particular person or in a specific situation, hold off until these feelings have been resolved so you can feel more comfortable during sex. 

You’ve Just Had an Orgasm 

Some people find that every time they orgasm, they cry a little. Orgasm is an intense bodily reaction to pleasure when having sex.

In a 2017 study, researchers found that people experience a wide range of emotions after orgasm, from crying to sneezing to having panic attacks. It’s known as a “peri-orgasmic phenomena” and is rare.

You Feel Overwhelmed

If work, life, or any other personal issues overwhelm you, this could affect you during sex. When having sex, your body is steadily releasing a cocktail of hormones. If you combine the surge of hormones with stress or anxiety, you might cry.

Some people also have a condition called sexual performance anxiety that could cause them to cry during sex. Research shows that the disorder affects 9% to 25% of men and 6% to 16% of women.

You Are Dealing With Unresolved Trauma

If you’ve been sexually or emotionally abused in the past, this could cause trauma. Having lived through sexual trauma can make having and enjoying sex after the incident complicated, especially if you have yet to heal from your trauma.

If crying during sex is due to unresolved trauma, you can start to heal by attending therapy or support groups. Also, choose a partner who can support your healing through compassionate, understanding, and respectful emotional and sexual connection.

You Have Postcoital Dysphoria 

Postcoital dysphoria is a condition that causes intense feelings of sadness in women after having sex. In a 2015 study, researchers found that about 46% of participants had experienced postcoital dysphoria at least once in their lives.

If you have this condition, you might suddenly cry after having sex or during sex, even if you enjoyed it. In some cases, you might even get into a fight with your partner for no apparent reason during sex.

You Are Unhappy With Your Partner 

Crying during sex could be a sign of issues in your relationship. If you’ve been going through emotional issues with your partner or harboring thoughts of splitting up, it can all come to a head during sex.

If this is the case, it’s important to discuss this with your partner. This enables you both to decide whether to work on repairing the relationship or going your separate ways. 

You’re Experiencing Hormonal Changes

Certain hormones are released during sex, like oxytocin and dopamine. This can produce feelings of relaxation and happiness. However, you might react to the rush of these hormonal changes—along with the physical and emotional intensity of sex—by tearing up or crying.

If you are experiencing other conditions like premenstrual syndrome (PMS), pregnancy, menopause, or if you are undergoing fertility treatment, your body is going through hormonal changes that may cause you to cry during sex as well.

You Are Fully Present

You might cry during sex when you are completely present and in the moment. Sometimes, being in the moment creates space for other feelings to arise, especially feelings we may have avoided, numbed, or repressed. Sex can trigger the release of all kinds of emotions.

So You Cried During Sex, What Now? 

If you’ve just cried during sex, you might feel a little embarrassed by it. It might help to know that you are not alone, and most times, it’s perfectly normal.

What you do next typically depends on the reason you are crying. For instance, if you are in pain, you should immediately stop having sex and figure out why. If you can’t identify what’s causing your pain, a healthcare provider can help you determine the cause.

If you are crying for any other reason, communicate with your partner so you can find the root of it together. Seeking a therapist can also help.

How to Respond to a Partner Crying During Sex 

Having a partner suddenly burst into tears during or after sex can be surprising. It could also cause you to either feel guilty, worried, or anxious about the well-being of your partner.

The most important thing to do is to have a conversation about it. Don’t move past it as if nothing happened. Sometimes, your partner crying during sex could hint at emotional issues or reservations they might have about your relationship.

Clarify that you understand and empathize with their feelings and ask them how you can help. It’s essential not to hurry into resuming sex or any sexual activity until you feel you’ve both come to a complete resolution about the matter. 

In addition to having a conversation about why the crying is happening:

• Ask your partner if they’d like to stop.
• Slow down and observe your partner’s non-verbal cues.
• Stop sexual activity and hold your partner close until they are ready to speak/communicate.

If you or someone you love has borderline personality disorder (BPD) you know this mental health condition can make relationships difficult. People with BPD experience unstable moods, emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, and more. Symptoms of BPD also may include risk-taking behavior as well as self-harm or suicidal behaviors. As a result, they commonly experience relationships that are chaotic, intense, and conflict-laden. This can be especially true for romantic relationships.

If you are considering starting a relationship with someone who has BPD (or are in one now), it’s important to educate yourself about the disorder and what to expect. Likewise, if you have been diagnosed with BPD, it can be helpful to think about how your symptoms have affected your dating life and romantic relationships.

What BPD Looks Like in a Relationship

Everyone faces relationship problems at some point. For people with BPD, these problems are so prevalent that they are considered a core symptom of the condition.

For example, one study demonstrated that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic relationship stress and more frequent conflicts. Also, the more severe a person’s BPD symptoms are the less relationship satisfaction their partner reports.

All of this conflict and turmoil means that people with borderline personality disorder have trouble maintaining relationships. Research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time.

BPD can affect relationships in a variety of ways. Some problems that can come up throughout a relationship with a person with BPD include:

Instability

People with BPD are often terrified that others will leave them. However, they can also shift suddenly to feeling smothered and fearful of intimacy, which leads them to withdraw from relationships. The result is a constant back-and-forth between demands for love or attention and sudden withdrawal or isolation.

Fear of Abandonment

Another BPD symptom that particularly impacts relationships is a deep fear of abandonment. They are always on high alert, looking for any possible sign that someone will leave them. This means that they often misinterpret even minor events as signs of imminent abandonment.

Lying

Another common complaint of people in relationships with someone with BPD is lying. People with this condition often lie in order to try to avoid being abandoned. Intense emotions, impulsivity, shame, and distorted perceptions also play a role in this tendency to lie.

While lying and deception are not behaviors included in the formal diagnostic criteria for BPD, many loved ones report that lying is one of their biggest concerns. The constant deception undermines trust in relationships.

Impulsive Sexuality

Impulsive sexuality is another classic symptom of BPD, and many people with BPD struggle with issues of sexuality. Also, a large percentage of people with BPD experienced childhood sexual abuse, which can make sex very complicated.

Finally, research has also shown BPD symptoms are associated with a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women.

Symptoms with an Indirect Effect

Other symptoms of BPD, including impulsivity, self-harm, and dissociative symptoms, can have an indirect impact on relationships. For example, if a loved one with BPD is engaging in impulsive behaviors like going on spending sprees, it can cause major stress within the family.

Suicidal gestures and ideation can be scary for romantic partners and can introduce lots of stress into the relationship.

Starting a Romantic Relationship When Someone Has BPD

Despite the intense and disruptive symptoms people with BPD and their loved ones must cope with, people with BPD often have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time. Furthermore, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD describe their partner as fun, exciting, and passionate.

Will the Relationship Last?

Most relationships go through a honeymoon period at the start. Relationships with people who have BPD are no exception. In fact, the experience may be magnified.

This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner, too. After all, it’s really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you and to feel needed.

Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect, idealized soulmate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well.

The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles and to encourage your partner to get professional help to cope with the disruptive symptoms and reduce problematic thinking. In addition to individual therapy, couples therapy can be helpful for both partners in the relationship.

Managing a Romantic Relationship With BPD

In addition to couples therapy, there are therapies that have been shown to be effective for a person with BPD, in terms of helping with relationships:

Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Dialectal behavior therapy (DBT) is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that relates a person’s thinking to their behavior. There are four main skills taught in DBT, one of which is managing interpersonal skills.

Mentalization-Based Therapy

Mentalization-based therapy (MBT) is a therapy that focuses on helping someone make sense of what is going on in their mind and the minds of others.

Medications

There are currently no medications specifically approved to treat BPD, but doctors may prescribe medication to help improve certain symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Research suggests that some medications can help a person manage their anger, impulsivity, and depression.

If Your Partner Has BPD

Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can sometimes feel like being on an emotional roller coaster. While your relationship is bound to face some challenges, there are steps you can take to bring more stability to your connection.

• Learn about BPD: Start by educating yourself about the symptoms and characteristics of borderline personality disorder. Knowing how to recognize the symptoms can help you respond more effectively.
• Support your partner: Even if you don’t understand exactly what your partner is going through, be supportive and try to let them know that you hear and see them.
• Be patient: It takes time for therapy and medications to work. Try to be patient with your partner and recognize that setbacks are bound to happen.
• Set boundaries: Establish healthy limits on behavior, then be firm about maintaining those boundaries.
• Encourage treatment: Help your partner learn more about their treatment options and encourage them to adhere to their therapist’s recommendations.
• Care for yourself: Supporting your partner is important, but it’s also vital to make sure that you are taking care of yourself. 

While there will be bumps along the way, showing compassion and support can help set your relationship on a smoother path.

How BPD Affects Breakups 

Many issues may arise when a relationship in which one partner has BPD ends. Because people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a breakup can leave them feeling desperate and devastated.

Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD can have trouble letting the relationship go. This is particularly true of long-term partnerships or marriages.

This is why it’s a good idea to have a support network for you and partner, especially if a breakup may occur. This network often includes a mental health professional.

Keep in Mind

It’s important to remember that while borderline personality disorder can create challenges in relationships, it is treatable. This means that while most people with BPD do experience residual symptoms even after time and treatment, in the long term, recovery and healthy relationships are possible.

If you have BPD, getting treatment for your condition is the first step. You can learn to manage your symptoms and develop healthier, happier relationships with therapy and support. If your partner has BPD, you can help by learning more about their condition, offering support, and maintaining good boundaries in the relationship.

The death of one’s mother is one of the hardest things most people will go through in life. Whether you two had a great relationship, a strained relationship, or something in between, this event will likely have a significant impact on your life.

In one survey, between 20% to 30% of participants stated that losing a loved one was the most traumatic event in their lives—even among those who had reported 11 or more traumatic events over the course of their life. For that group, 22% still ranked the loss of a loved one as their most traumatic event.

Why the Death of One’s Mother Is So Hard

Whether you are grieving the death of a mother who birthed you or a mother (or mother figure) who raised you, you are either grieving the bond you had or the bond you wish you had.

John Bowlby, a British psychologist, believed that children are born with a drive to seek attachment with their caregivers. While others before him believed that attachment was food-motivated, he believed that attachment formed based on nurturing and responsiveness.

Therefore, it makes sense that grieving that attachment—or lack thereof—would be incredibly difficult.

A mother is such an integral part of our lives in our society, in part because we are not raised in communities with a variety of caretakers,” says Liz Schmitz-Binnall, PsyD, who has done research on mother loss and resilience.

Her research specifically focused on adult women who had lost their mothers as children and found that they scored lower on resilience than those who had not lost mothers as children.

She says she sees many people who didn’t have a good relationship with their mother but are surprised at the strength of their grief reaction following their mother’s death.

How a Mother’s Death Can Affect Someone

While mother loss differs from other losses in some key ways, some of the same effects that come from any kind of loss or bereavement are present. Some thoughts and feelings typical of grief:

• Shock
• Numbness
• Sadness
• Disbelief
• Confusion
• Difficulty concentrating
• Anger 

Less known is that grief can show up physically, in addition to the more-known mental or spiritual indications. In your body, grief may look like:

• Digestive problems
• Energy loss
• Nervousness
• Sleep disturbances
• Weight changes 
• Nervousness

Risk of Psychiatric Disorders

In others, however, a loss of a loved one may activate mental health disorders even in those with no history of mental illness. One study found an increased risk for the following disorders, in addition to discovering a new link between mania and loss:

• Major depressive disorder
• Panic disorder
• Posttraumatic disorder

Specifically in adults over the age of 70: 

• Manic episodes
• Phobias
• Alcohol use disorders
• Generalized anxiety disorder 

What Is Complex Bereavement?

All grief is complex, but upon losing someone, many people are able to slowly readjust to their daily routines (or create new routines). Mental health professionals may call it complicated or complex bereavement if it has been at least a year and your daily function is still significantly impacted. 

(Note: the current clinical name is Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, but the American Psychiatric Association recently approved a change of name to Prolonged Grief Disorder.)

Some of the signs of prolonged grief are the following symptoms still significantly impacting your daily functioning after 12 months:

In one study, 65% of participants with complicated grief had thought about wanting to die themselves after losing a loved one. So if you, or someone you know who is grieving, is having suicidal thoughts, know that you aren’t alone and this is not uncommon for what you are going through.

How to Heal from the Death of a Mother

When loss is fresh, it feels like you will feel that way forever—but you won’t.

“If you allow yourself to grieve, and if others allow you to grieve,” says Schmitz-Binnall, “you will probably notice that the really intense feelings will lessen during the first few months after the death of your mother.”

She says that while most people intuitively realize it can be hard to lose a mother, they don’t realize quite how hard it can be—or how long it can take. “People in our society often think we can move through grief in a month and be done with it.”

And even if we don’t acknowledge those feelings, that doesn’t mean they aren’t existing and impacting our lives anyway.

Some of her tips:

• Feel the feelings
• Or let yourself feel nothing
• Talk about your feelings
• Spend time by yourself
• Spend time with others
• Talk to her (in whatever way that means for you and your beliefs—it may also include writing letters to her.)

Talk to a Professional

Therapy can be helpful after a major loss like this. While most therapists will have worked with grief, as it’s one of the most universal life experiences, there are also therapists who specialize in working with clients with grief. To find one, search for grief therapist or grief counselor in your area.

Find a Community

Since grief can feel like such an isolating experience, many find comfort in support groups, whether they be in-person or an online support group. If you are a woman who has lost a mother, you may be interested in the Motherless Daughters community, which is both virtual and has offline meetups.