Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Anger can be a common emotion among people experiencing major depression. You may feel angry at the world, angry about events from your past, or even angry at yourself. This anger can be intense and difficult to control, to the point that it worsens your depression and affects your personal and professional relationships.

Depression vs. Anger

Major depressive disorder is more than just passing sadness. It is a diagnosable mental health disorder that involves feelings of low mood combined with other symptoms such as trouble concentrating and/or sleeping, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, diminished emotional expression, irritability, feelings of guilt, hopelessness, self-doubt, and more.

In contrast, anger on its own is not a diagnosable mental health condition. Rather, it is an unpleasant but common emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. Feeling angry when something upsets you is natural. However, feeling uncontrollable, maladaptive, or otherwise inappropriate anger can signal an underlying problem, particularly when you also have symptoms of depression.

Anger can be part of depression’s diagnostic picture, but not always.

Healthy expression of natural anger is not a problem. It becomes unhealthy when it is repressed, uncontrollable, or explosive, and interferes with daily life and relationships.

Types of Anger in Depression

Anger can take several different forms when it’s part of major depressive disorder. Below are some examples of the types of anger you might experience while depressed.

Irritability

Irritability is a feature of depression itself. If you have depression, anger may show up as snapping at others over trivial things or being unable to handle small disappointments without reacting negatively.

Hostility

Going a step beyond irritability, a person with depression who expresses anger outwardly may become hostile toward others.

Anger Attacks

Rapid, intense onset of anger (also sometimes called an anger attack) can also be a feature of depression. These rapid-onset attacks are often inappropriately triggered by trivial matters and can take others by surprise.

The Link Between Anger and Depression

Some evidence suggests that serotonergic dysfunction may be partly to blame for both maladaptive anger and major depression. In other words, the neurochemicals in your brain may be out of balance. For this reason, medications used to treat depression may also help relieve symptoms of anger.

Anger Turned Inward

Sigmund Freud believed that depression results from anger repressed and directed toward oneself, rather than being expressed externally. Indeed, anger turned inward (known as internalizing) is common in those who are depressed. This act of turning anger inward can worsen the severity of depression, setting up a vicious cycle.

Listening to your inner critic can worsen depression, making it difficult to do things that could help alleviate symptoms (e.g., doing activities you once enjoyed, spending time with other people, exercising, etc.). This leads you to feel more powerless and negative over time.

Anger Turned Outward

Those who are depressed sometimes turn their anger outward (known as externalizing) instead and lash out at those around them.

Depression can amplify negative emotions that can be hard to control, and afterward, you might feel bad about how you expressed yourself—setting up a situation that feeds on itself and that is difficult to escape.

Eventually, it may lead to problems in your personal and professional life. For example, if you are unable to deal with stress in the workplace, you might lash out at coworkers, managers, or even customers. If you struggle to control your anger around friends and family, this can strain relationships.

Treatment for Angry Depression

Treatment for depression that includes anger is similar to treatments for depression alone. In short, medication and therapy are both empirically validated treatments for depression that can help alleviate feelings of anger, hostility, and irritability.

Therapy

One specific type of therapy that might be helpful for angry depression is emotionally focused therapy. Developed by psychologist Les Greenberg, this type of therapy categorizes anger as either adaptive or non-adaptive.

• Adaptive anger helps motivate assertive (rather than aggressive) action. Imagine you have gained weight because of unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise. You might feel adaptive anger at yourself for letting the situation get out of hand, but you also might feel motivated to make and follow a healthy eating and fitness plan. In this way, adaptive anger is controlled and directed positively.
• Maladaptive anger in this example would instead lead to a downward spiral of self-pity and hopeless inaction. In essence, maladaptive anger involves giving away your power, making you feel helpless. This type of unhelpful anger is thought to be rooted in traumatic experiences.

Moving From Maladaptive Anger to Adaptive Emotions

Emotionally focused therapy transforms your maladaptive emotions by addressing their root cause. One way is by verbalizing your critical inner voice. For example, in the case of gaining weight, the critical inner voice might sound something like this:

The idea is to give the critical inner voice some words, as though someone else is speaking them. This involves expressing feelings behind thoughts and using “you” statements, allowing you to separate yourself from those thoughts.

The next step involves responding to the critical inner voice and answering back against the criticisms. In this way, you are essentially “taking your own side.” For example, in the case of the critical inner voice that talks about your weight gain, you might respond to that voice in the following ways.

Emotionally focused therapy has been shown to help relieve depression, raise self-esteem, and reduce distress in interpersonal relationships.

Medication

Medication can help you reduce feelings of anger and irritability. Although it’s not a direct treatment for anger, addressing your depression symptoms can have an indirect effect on feelings of anger.

Anger Management Techniques

Anger management techniques can help you manage depression-related anger. You might attend anger management classes, read an anger management self-help book, or find a support group,

Coping With Angry Depression

You can do a few things on your own to manage anger-related depression. Here are some ideas to get you started.

• Develop self-compassion, as mentioned earlier
• Manage triggers
• Stand up to your inner critic
• Respond to your inner critic in a journal
• Accept, rather than fight, your anger
• Express your anger in healthy ways
• Alleviate anger before it deepens by being more assertive or venting your emotions appropriately
• Exercise to release endorphins, your brain’s feel-good chemicals

Just Breathe

Another helpful approach is to learn mindful breathing, which can help calm you in an angry moment. There are a variety of breathing techniques including belly breathing, box breathing, pursed lip breathing, and the 4-7-8 approach.

Breathing helps bring your body into a state of relaxation and increases oxygen flow in your body. This helps you get control of the fight-or-flight reaction you might experience when your anger is triggered.

To practice box breathing, find a comfortable place to sit or lie down. Then, go through these steps. Each counts as one cycle.

• Exhale for a count of four
• With empty lungs, hold your breath for a count of four
• Inhale for a count of four
• With filled lungs, hold your breath for a count of four

Then, repeat this cycle four times.

With that said, when we are relaxed, we are able to think more clearly, use better judgment, and regulate our emotions. We can ease those angry flare-ups by bringing our body and mind into a more peaceful state.

Be Present, Be Mindful

If you tend to ruminate on negative thoughts that fuel your anger and sadness, try mindfulness meditation. Whenever you feel your mood shifting in the wrong direction, take a few minutes to focus on the present moment, being aware of everything going on within you and around you.

Try not to focus on the past, or worry about the future, just stay in the right now. Notice your thoughts and feelings as they come, but don’t hang on to them, and don’t judge them as wrong or inappropriate. Simply acknowledge them, say ‘hello’ if you like, and let them go.

Stretch for Relaxation

If you’re feeling motivated enough to try, the act of stretching itself can help reduce stress and improve your mood. We tend to hold a lot of tension in our muscles when we are upset, which contributes to irritable and angry emotions. We might feel our teeth clenched, our fists balled up, and our shoulders in knots. Stretching is a good way to release that tension to help you feel more at ease.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is another way to release muscle tension from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. You can do this anytime throughout the day, and it can be a nice way to wind down before drifting off to sleep.

Through a series of tensing and relaxing of muscles throughout your entire body, you begin to gain awareness of how much tension you are holding onto in different areas, and then you can consciously relax those muscles. As you release the tension in your muscles, you can imagine you are releasing your worry, your sadness, and your anger.

Develop a Support System

Sometimes you need to express your deepest, ugliest feelings with someone who can listen, and not try to fix you or judge you. Turning to someone you can rely on for support can be helpful.

If there is nobody in your personal life to fill this role, try joining a support group specifically for depression and/or anger. There, you’ll find others struggling with the same challenges, and there is no risk of feeling ashamed for expressing yourself honestly. You will be with people who can provide genuine support from a place of understanding.

In addition, if you join a group with a facilitator, you might discover helpful strategies to better manage your depression and anger. A support group that understands what you are going through is important, especially if you begin relapsing after treatment.

If you find yourself feeling irritable, moody, and even depressed after quitting smoking, you’re certainly not alone. Quitting smoking is difficult enough when you’re feeling happy. Unfortunately, it can become further challenging due to mood changes—a common complaint early in smoking cessation.

People who smoke are more likely to experience depression than non-smokers, and symptoms of depression often occur while quitting, often as part of nicotine withdrawal. While people may experience depression after quitting smoking, research has also shown that quitting smoking may decrease depression in the long term.

Why You Might Feel Depressed After Quitting Smoking

Nicotine withdrawal is the primary reason for the temporary depression you may experience after quitting smoking. When you use nicotine on a regular basis, your body and brain become dependent on it as the nicotine bonds with your brain receptors to trigger the release of dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter.

Lack of nicotine also means losing the “companion” that you thought helped you manage everything from anger to fatigue, which leaves most new ex-smokers feeling empty and adrift for a time. Luckily, for most, the condition is a byproduct of smoking cessation and is temporary.

Symptoms of Depression After Quitting Smoking

Some common symptoms of depression that you may experience when you stop smoking include:

• Anxiety or an “empty” feeling
• Changes in appetite (eating more or less)
• Difficulty concentrating
• Emotional irritability
• Fatigue
• Loss of interest in hobbies and activities
• Sadness
• Sleeplessness

You may experience one, some, or all of these at one point or another and to varying degrees.

Mood changes with quitting smoking are common, but persistent depressive symptoms that worsen or interfere with your functioning may reflect a clinical depression that requires treatment.

Coping With Depression When You’re Quitting Smoking

Quitting tobacco is a big change in lifestyle, and you should expect to react, to some degree, both emotionally and physically. You are also at an increased risk of suffering a smoking relapse during periods of the mood changes caused by smoking cessation. It is hard to stay focused and maintain the resolve to not smoke when you’re feeling low.

After years of smoking, it is possible that you began to bury your feelings behind a cloud of smoke. Cigarettes are used to deal with everything from anger to sadness to joy, causing smokers to often lean on tobacco to avoid difficult emotions.

It is healthy and productive to allow yourself to acknowledge those feelings and find constructive ways to deal with them, even if you feel a little raw from the experience. For mood changes that come with smoking cessation, try some of the following ideas to improve your mood:

Stay Active

Exercise can be a helpful distraction from the urge to smoke, and some research has shown that it can be helpful during the early stages of smoking cessation. Other research has found that exercise can be an effective intervention for preventing and treating symptoms of depression.

Create Realistic Goals

Set goals, but don’t bite off more than you can chew. Divide tasks related to your goals into small chunks you feel good about accomplishing.

Consider using the SMART goals technique. This involves setting goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. This approach can help you stick with your goals, maintain motivation, and achieve lasting results.

Stay Motivated

Find ways to stay motivated and inspired after you quit smoking. Your motivation levels are bound to fluctuate, so be sure to have ways to stay on track when you’re feeling low.

When negative/sad thoughts come up about smoking, remind yourself that you miss smoking mostly because it was an addiction, and once you’re healed, you won’t feel this way.

Find Distractions

Distractions can be one of the most effective tools in your quitting smoking arsenal. These are activities or tasks that can give you something to do and take your mind off of your cravings.

Create a list of things you can do at a moment’s notice when you’re feeling the urge to smoke, like do a crossword puzzle or call a supportive friend. Jolting ourselves out of a negative thought pattern is often as simple as changing our actions.

Get Social Support

Spend time with people who make you feel good. Friends and family can be a great source of support while you are quitting, and spending time with others can help combat feelings of loneliness and depression.

Join a support group. Meeting people who are going through the same struggle as you can help you know you’re not alone and offer some much-needed support. The American Lung Association’s Freedom From Smoking program has groups all over the country, or do some research to find other support programs in your local area.

Adjust Your Perspective

One of the greatest challenges new ex-smokers face is an important change in perspective. It is that shift in thinking from seeing smoking cessation as an exercise in deprivation to realizing that it is, in fact, one of the best gifts you’ll ever give yourself.

This is a crucial step in the process of healing from nicotine addiction, and it is with this transformation that many see their quitting-related symptoms of depression begin to lift.

Getting Help for Depression

If you have been diagnosed and treated for depression before quitting smoking, it is essential to let your doctor know ahead of time that you’re planning to quit. Smoking cessation could make you susceptible to additional mood disturbances. 

Smoking also causes some medications to be metabolized more quickly, so when you quit, prescriptions you’re already taking might need to be adjusted. Your doctor can monitor and correct dosages on any medications you might be on, if necessary.

Democratic leadership, also known as participative leadership or shared leadership, is a leadership style in which members of the group participate in the decision-making process. This type of leadership can apply to any organization, from private businesses to schools to the government.

With a democratic leadership style, everyone is given the opportunity to participate, ideas are exchanged freely, and discussion is encouraged. While this process tends to focus on group equality and the free flow of ideas, the democratic leader is still there to offer guidance and control.

The democratic leader is also charged with deciding who is in the group and who gets to contribute to the decisions being made. Research has found that the democratic leadership style is one of the most effective types and leads to higher productivity, better contributions from group members, and increased group morale.

Key Characteristics of Democratic Leadership

Some of the primary characteristics of democratic leadership include:

• Collaboration: Democratic leaders really encourage group members to share ideas and opinions. Even though the leader retains the final say over decisions, they do consider what members of the team have to offer.
• Engagement: This style of leadership really helps members of the group feel more engaged in the process.
• Creativity: This type of leadership also encourages and rewards creativity and innovation.

Leaders who effectively use the democratic style tend to have specific traits, such as being team players, willing to adapt, having a fair mind, and being engaged in the process. Strong democratic leaders inspire trust and respect among their followers.

These leaders are sincere and make decisions based on their morals and values. They also tend to seek diverse opinions and do not try to silence dissenting voices or those that offer a less popular point of view. As a result, followers feel inspired to take action and contribute to the group.

Examples of Democratic Leadership

More than half of the countries in the world with populations over 500,000 people use a democratic leadership style. The United States is one. Sweden, the Philippines, Indonesia, South Korea, and the Netherlands are a few others.

Some businesses also operate with a democratic management style, offering a participative leadership approach. Google is often cited as an example, with its founders likening their leadership style to being “proud parents—offering advice and love, but not daily nagging!” Jack Dorsey, the former Twitter CEO, was also often credited with having the characteristics of a democratic leader.

You can also find examples of democratic leadership within school clubs and 4-H organizations. Tommy Lasorda, former manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers who won two World Series championships, is credited with being a participative leader in the sport of baseball.

Benefits of Democratic Leadership

Because group members are encouraged to share their thoughts, democratic leadership can lead to better ideas and more creative solutions to problems. More input from more people leads to a greater variety of ideas and opinions.

Research suggest that democratic leaders can pay off for groups and organizations. Groups led by democratic bosses tend to be more productive, and this way of leading has also been connected to increases in group morale.

One study also found that democratic leadership was associated with a better working relationship between employees and bosses.

Potential Pitfalls of Democratic Leadership

Democratic leadership isn’t right for every group or situation. While it has been described as the most effective leadership style, it does have some potential downsides.

In some cases, group members may not have the necessary knowledge or expertise to make quality contributions to the decision-making process. Democratic leadership can also result in team members feeling like their opinions and ideas aren’t taken into account.

For a government or organization to be truly democratic requires the sharing of all the information. This can lead to potential security issues in some cases, making it another pitfall of using a democratic leadership style.

How to Use Democratic Leadership

Recognizing how and when to best use democratic leadership can make this style more effective. Some tips that can help you make the most of it include the following:

• Ensure people have skills to succeed: Democratic leadership works best in situations where group members are skilled and eager to share their knowledge.
• Make sure there is plenty of time: It is also important to have plenty of time to allow people to contribute, develop a plan, and then vote on the best course of action.
• Give everyone a chance to contribute: Because so many people are involved, setting deadlines can ensure you get everyone’s input in enough time to act on it.
• Make your expectations clear: Providing expectations upfront can also be helpful, making it clear when the group’s input will be sought and which decisions management will make on its own.

One study found that democratic leadership was more likely to inspire trust during transitional periods. In times of action, members were more likely to trust a more autocratic leader.

Are You a Democratic Leader?

Try our fast and free quiz to find if you tend towards democratic leadership or one of the other styles.

This leadership styles quiz was reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS.

If you are dating someone with anxiety, it’s understandable that you might have some concerns. Watching someone experience anxiety can be upsetting, and can even make you anxious or uneasy, whether or not you are prone to anxiety yourself.

You might also have concerns about the future of your relationship. How will your partner’s anxiety affect your day-to-day life together? What can you do for them if they begin to experience an anxiety spiral or a panic attack? Will you be able to cope with it all?

Take Some Time to Learn About Anxiety Disorders

One of the simplest, most supportive things you can do if you are dating someone with anxiety is to learn a bit about anxiety and about anxiety disorders.

Many of us have an idea of what it means to have anxiety that may not be in line with what it’s actually like, so it can be helpful to get some clarity. Understanding anxiety will also help make you more empathetic. 

Prevalence

First, it can be helpful to know that anxiety is quite common, and almost all of us will experience an anxiety disorder at one point or another in our lives.

Having an anxiety disorder is not a weakness, nor is it something caused by poor choices. Anxiety is not “all in your head,” either.

People who experience anxiety often have a genetic propensity toward the disorder, and anxiety disorders often run in families. Environmental factors and chemical imbalances may also play a role.

Symptoms of Anxiety

Anxiety manifests in different ways for different people. Not everyone who has anxiety comes across as a “nervous” person. Some people who experience anxiety may even appear calm on the outside but experience their symptoms more internally.

Although having anxiety can make it very difficult to function on a daily basis for some people, others may live with more high-functioning types of anxiety.

Symptoms of anxiety can be physical, mental, and emotional. Some of the most common symptoms of anxiety include:

• Rapid heartbeat
• Labored breathing
• Sweating
• Nausea
• Upset stomach
• Muscle tension
• Racing thoughts
• Feelings of panic or impending doom
• Flashbacks of a traumatic or difficult experience
• Insomnia
• Nightmares
• Inability to stay still
• Obsessive thoughts or behaviors

Types of Anxiety

It can also be helpful to understand that there are several different types of anxiety disorders. Not everyone with anxiety experiences panic attacks, for example. And while some people with anxiety have trouble socializing, others do not. It all depends on what anxiety disorder you have and how you experience it.

The most common anxiety disorders are:

How to Support Your Partner With Anxiety

When you are around someone with an anxiety disorder, you may feel at a loss for how to help them. Often, you know that what they are experiencing is irrational and that their perception of reality at the moment may not be entirely accurate. Do you tell them this? How do you make them feel better without minimizing their emotional experience?

There are some tangible things you can do to create a “safe space” for a person who is experiencing anxiety. Below are a few tips.

Realize They Are Not Their Disorder

In your own mind, and as you are interacting with your partner, try to think of their anxiety disorder as something separate from them. Yes, it’s something that colors their life, but it’s a disorder, not a state of being.

Drop the Blame Game

Remember, anxiety has genetic, biochemical, and environmental components, so your partner did not choose to feel this way. Anxiety also isn’t something that they are adopting to be manipulative or to ruin plans.

People who experience anxiety wish it to be gone as much as you do, but having an anxiety disorder is not something that is within someone’s control.

Understand That They Have Certain Triggers

Getting a handle on your partner’s anxiety means understanding their triggers. Usually, someone with anxiety knows the kind of things that set them off into an anxiety spiral.

It’s not your responsibility to shield them from every single trigger, but helping them navigate their lives more sensitively around those triggers can be helpful. It can also help you to understand why your partner’s anxiety is heightened at different times.

Keep in mind that avoidance can ultimately make anxiety worse in the long run. You should never force your partner to confront their fears, but gently encouraging them to practice facing their anxiety triggers in a safe and controlled way can sometimes be helpful.

Be an Open Minded Listener

One of the greatest gifts you can give to someone who experiences anxiety is a kind, open-minded, listening ear. Managing an anxiety disorder can be isolating and humiliating.

Having someone who you can talk to honestly about what you are experiencing and your feelings can be really positive and soothing, especially if that person can listen without judgment and with empathy.

As a listener, remember that it’s important simply to be there for them, and not to offer suggestions, advice, or try to “solve” or “fix” anything for them.

What to Say When Your Partner Is Having Anxiety

When you are in the moment, helping your partner manage an anxiety episode, you may be unsure of what to say. You don’t want to say anything that will make your partner more anxious, after all.

Here are some ideas of what to say in these moments:

• “I’m here and I’m listening.” 
• “I know you are feeling overwhelmed.”
• “It’s going to be OK.”
• “That’s a lot for you to deal with right now.”
• “I know how strong you are.”
• “Would you like me to sit with you?”
• “I am here, and you are not alone.”
• “Is there anything I can do to help?”

What Not to Say

At the same time, there are some things you might feel tempted to say that aren’t helpful at all and might even add to your partner’s anxiety.

Here are the types of things to avoid saying:

• “Don’t be so scared of everything.”
• “That makes no sense.”
• “Calm down!”
• “You’re freaking out for no reason.”
• “Here’s what I would do if I were you …”
• “What you’re feeling isn’t rational.”
• “This is all in your head.”

How to Cope

Research reveals a connection between anxiety disorders and heightened relationship stress. However, the research also shows that addressing anxiety with communication and support can help considerably.

It’s also important to understand that helping your partner manage their anxiety is not something you can do alone: getting mental health support for both your partner and yourself can be highly beneficial. 

Encourage Your Partner to Seek Help

If your partner’s anxiety is impacting their lives, as well as your relationship, you may want to consider encouraging them to get help. You want to frame this as kindly and empathetic as possible.

The two most effective treatments for anxiety are therapy and medication. Some people benefit from therapy alone; but often, therapy combined with medication is most helpful.

The most common types of therapy used to treat anxiety are cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy. Medications used to treat anxiety include anti-anxiety medications such as benzodiazepines, antidepressants (SSRIs), and beta-blockers.

Address Your Own Feelings About Your Partner’s Anxiety

Dating someone with an anxiety disorder can be difficult, and you may find yourself having intense reactions to what is going on with your partner. This is normal and understandable. Taking some moments to practice some self-care and empathy for yourself is vital.

Consider Group Therapy

Communication is key when you are in a relationship with someone who is struggling with an anxiety disorder. Sometimes you might need a little outside help to work out the kinks in your communication.

Group therapy or counseling is a great choice for this. It can help you and the person you are dating learn to be more open and understanding and learn more effective communication techniques.

Language note: Although individual preferences exist, surveys of the autistic community consistently show that autistic people prefer identity-first language rather than person-first language (i.e., “autistic person” rather than “person with autism”). This article reflects that community language preference.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders categorizes autism as a neurodevelopmental disorder marked by social and communication differences as well as behaviors that fall outside of neurotypical expectations. These differences in brain function can make the experience of dating and finding a romantic partner a lot different from that of a neurotypical individual.

These experiences are even exhibited on popular shows like Love on the Spectrum and Atypical, which prove that finding love when you’re autistic is very possible, it just might take a little extra intentionality.

Many studies show that autistic adults are less likely to be married than allistic adults (AKA, someone who isn’t on the autism spectrum), though barriers to diagnosis and study limitations make it difficult to determine exact numbers. However, when surveyed, many autistics who want to be in romantic relationships report challenges in this area.

Autistic people are more likely than non-autistic people to be asexual or aromantic (meaning they do not experience sexual and/or romantic attraction). However, autistic people who experience sexual and romantic attraction often report challenges in these relationships. An anonymous autistic person who agreed to speak to me for this article shared that an allistic person dating an autistic person is comparable to intercultural dating.

Communication Is Key

Wendela Whitcomb Marsh, autism advocate and CEO of Adult Autism Assessment, is the author of several books, including Dating While Autistic: Cut Through the Social Quagmire and Find Your Person. She says that autistic people often experience challenges when dating that their non-autistic peers might not consider—this includes communication:

“Communication is important for any couple getting to know each other, and this can be particularly challenging for autistic people. Flirting that includes subtle nonverbal cues or verbal double entendres can easily be missed or misunderstood,” says Marsh.

Brad, an autistic person who has been married for more than 20 years, shared, “You are more likely to get more unfiltered truth from an autistic person. This can be endearing, especially when you’re getting to know someone, but it can also be infuriating, such as in difficult moments where you wanted tenderness but got autistic bluntness.”

Conversely, autistic people may engage in a more direct communication style, which can be perceived as rude or disrespectful to neurotypical folks but is often appreciated by other autistics. Marsh recommends that non-autistic partners be patient and avoid assuming intent that was not explicitly indicated.

Additionally, she says that autistic people can be upfront about their communication differences: “It’s okay to say something like, ‘I’m the kind of person who doesn’t pick up on hints and flirting. If someone likes me I hope they will come right out and tell me.’” Many of the autistics I spoke with in writing this article noted that they struggle with recognizing flirting.

For example, GTM shared, “I was really clueless about whether anyone wanted to or did not want to date me. After the fact, I learned about many people who were flirting with me, and I had no idea.” Regarding communication, he said: “Best bet: always be open to working out different arrangements of communication and reciprocity and consent whenever entering into a relationship with an autistic person (or any person, maybe).”

Your Autistic Life (YAL), an autistic writer who shares his experiences, shared that he prefers online communication. Autistic people may like the option of online dating, as they can view an introduction to the other person before communicating, can take time to process words without having to make an immediate response, and can think about their preferred response before answering.

ND Dev, an autistic married man, has an allistic wife: “[Helen] sensitive to people’s needs, intuitive about personal matters, and instinctively supportive when someone needs help—but also rational, practical, hard-working, methodical and intelligent. It’s a rare mix in a person. (Sorry, she’s taken.)” ND Dev noted that autistics do not always show their feelings in ‘conventional’ ways. For example, “Unmasking (such as reduced eye contact or sitting together but apart) can look like withdrawal, but is a sign of intimacy and trust.”

Pay Attention to Sensory Sensitivities

Many autistic people experience sensory input differently than non-autistic people, often being more in tune with certain stimuli to the point that they experience distress or overwhelm as a result. This can include becoming overstimulated in environments with a lot of sound and activity, much like many traditional “date” settings like restaurants, concerts, and other social gatherings.

Autistic people can also experience hyposensitivity which can allow for additional capacity for sensory experiences. This often leads autistic people to seek out BDSM and other kinks to fulfill those sensory needs.

Marsh recommends remembering that a date can be anything, and you can suggest activities that are a better fit for your sensory needs: “It’s smart to take both partners’ sensory sensitivities into consideration when choosing what to do on a date.” This might mean going for a walk in nature or going to a restaurant or bar you know is going to be a bit quieter.

Outside of set dates, partners can remember each others’ sensory needs through their day-to-day life. For example, ND Dev shared, “Sometimes, an autist may genuinely need time alone. It doesn’t mean your relationship has turned sour or that you’re a failure for being unable to help.” As you get to know each other and your relationship grows, you can tell each other what your needs are and how you cope with them. Remember that this is an ongoing conversation, as sensory needs can change over time.

Some Love Touch, Some Don’t

Autistic people can be more sensitive to physical touch compared to non-autistic people. This can manifest as discomfort with physical touch or a stronger need for touch. Even if both partners are autistic, they may have opposite needs and comfort levels around physical touch. It is important to clearly communicate boundaries and needs, with ongoing discussion about what each partner is ready for and comfortable with.

Like all abuse survivors, autistic people might struggle to feel comfortable communicating their boundaries around physical touch if they have survived past abuse. One study showed that autistic people are more likely to experience both physical and sexual abuse compared to the non-autistic population.

Marsh emphasizes the importance of respecting boundaries around physical touch: “No one, male, female, non-binary, autistic or in the neuromajority, should ever feel pressured to engage in any kind of touch that feels uncomfortable.”

Make Time to Process Emotions

Sensory sensitivities for autistic people do not just manifest through sight, sound, taste, scent, and touch. Many autistic people also experience emotions very intensely, and it can create challenges in processing, regulating, and expressing what they are feeling. This can lead to tension as romantic feelings are often very intense, especially in the early stages of a relationship.

Marsh recommends taking things slowly to allow space for managing these big feelings: “Dating is already a bit of an emotional roller coaster, with high hopes and expectations.” Partners can communicate needs with each other and take a step back when they need to to ensure that they have the space to process emotions in a healthy way.

Similarly, YAL shared that it is essential that allistic partners need to make efforts to understand their autistic partner’s processing and perception: “The fact that your partner is ND tells you that their brain is not structured to *perceive the world* in the same way you do. If you ignore this, then you are putting a strain on your relationship.”

Special Interests

Autistic people might find they connect well with partners who share their special interests. Marsh says that those looking for dating partners might find like-minded people in clubs or groups focused around special interests.

According to ND Dev, “Be tolerant when your partner gets hung up on things that you don’t find important. There’s usually a reason.”

For mixed-neurotype couples or for those who do not share special interests, sharing their partner’s special interest can help them connect: “It can be fascinating to learn about your date’s interests and share about your own.” In fact, as ND Dev noted, autistics express affection in different ways, including by info dumping (sharing extensive information about their special interest).

However, challenges can arise if one partner is heavily focused on their special interest and the other partner is not attentive to this. It can be overwhelming to hear your partner talk about their interest at length, and even non-autistic people can get overstimulated. It is okay to take breaks when you need to. Use open and direct communication to express this need.

Marsh also recommends taking turns talking about special interests so that both partners feel heard.

Coping with Change

Autistic people often need routine and predictability, making it difficult to cope with change. This comes from a need for safety. This can feel inflexible to a non-autistic partner who wants to be spontaneous, and we can never guarantee that plans will not change.

It is important to honor routine and spontaneity so both partners’ needs are met. There are even ways to incorporate both so it doesn’t have to be one or the other in any given situation

Marsh says that it can help to have a “Plan B” in place in case original plans do not work. That way, autistic people that value routine can mentally prepare for this alternative when needed. For example, she shared, “if you’re meeting someone for the first time at a restaurant, create a list of items such as how long you wait before texting them, how many times you text and how long to wait between texts, and what to do if you get stood up. Having a plan for texting if they’re late helps avoid the problem of anxiously sending multiple texts that come across as excessively needy. If you get stood up (it happens), this doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Plan how long to wait and then what you will do instead of the date you thought you were going to have. Make it something fun for you that you can do on your own. Knowing that you have a backup plan helps.”

This can also apply to ending relationships; an anonymous autistic person shared with me, “One time I got broken up with and I said ‘ok but not right now please, busy processing other stressors’ and I am pretty sure that person was also autistic in part because they took me at my word and that’s what we did.” While no one is obligated to stay in a relationship they want to end, taking other transitions or changes slowly can help the autistic person adjust.

Final Thoughts

While autistic people can experience challenges in dating and romantic relationships, open communication and understanding of individual, unique needs can reduce anxiety around this process. If you are autistic, know that you can find a partner who understands and meets your needs.

If you are not autistic, you can extend compassion to your partner and help them be comfortable in your relationship. If you are autistic, know that your needs and communication style are valid.

During childhood, some people have distant relationships with their fathers or no relationship at all. Others might be so close that the relationship becomes unhealthy. Both situations can contribute to developing what people call ‘daddy issues.’ While people use this term often, ‘daddy issues’ are not an official mental health diagnosis.

This article discusses the psychology behind daddy issues, the signs you or someone you know has them, and why healthy relationships with father-like figures are important. You’ll also learn whether or not daddy issues can be treated.

Why Do Some People Have Daddy Issues?

Children who had a troubled relationship with their father while growing up may have difficulty attaching to others as adults. When fathers are neglectful or abusive, this can cause their children to develop an insecure attachment style.

Unhealthy parent-child relationships may instill mistrust and uncertainty, leading to daddy issues later in life.

What Causes Someone to Develop Daddy Issues?

The following are a few factors that can potentially play a role in the development of daddy issues.

Unhealthy Close Bonds

While it’s wonderful to be close to a father figure, in some cases, this bond can cross the line from being healthy and supportive to being unhealthy and damaging.

If someone has a close bond with their father, this might suggest that their father favored them or took especially good care of them, perhaps even spoiled them. It might also be that they resembled their father more than their siblings and were rewarded for it.

One explanation for developing an unhealthy close bond with one’s father figure is if, while growing up, the father was attracted to or treated the child more like a date or romantic partner. This could lead to the child being subjected to mental, emotional, and sexual abuse.

An Absentee Father

Instead of having an overly involved father, sometimes people with daddy issues grew up with a father who was never around. The father might have worked a lot, left the family, or couldn’t be counted on due to a drug or alcohol problem.

Dads who are physically distant may also be emotionally distant. An emotionally unavailable father also leaves substantial wounds.

Sexual Abuse

Young children are vulnerable and trust parents to set appropriate boundaries. Sadly, adults sometimes cross those lines. A parent, stepparent, or another father figure may take advantage of vulnerable children, potentially causing the child to have daddy issues later in life.

Sexual abuse creates complicated feelings in children. They want to love their father figure for taking them out, playing games with them, and caring for them. But they are also in pain because of the abuse.

Children who are abused often blame themselves for what took place. Childhood trauma, neglect, and sexual abuse can cause them to feel shame. It also increases their risk of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Signs of Daddy Issues

How do you know whether you or someone you know may have what is commonly referred to as daddy issues? Below are a few signs to look for.

Only Dating Older Men

A person with daddy issues might only be attracted to older males or father-type replacements. If someone had an unhealthy connection to their father or their father was away for various reasons, older men may be more appealing to date or marry.

Being in a relationship with an older person may make them feel as if they have someone who will protect them. They may yearn for the missing love they never received, whether consciously or subconsciously. Or they might seek an older male who is wealthy or flashy, confident, or seemingly in control.

If they were the “apple of their father’s eye,” the person with daddy issues may even want to duplicate that relationship and find a partner who worships and adores them. A healthy relationship involves a genuine understanding of and respect for one another as equals—not one partner putting the other on a pedestal.

The danger of a relationship with a vast age difference may lie in a skewed power dynamic. Dating a much older, more successful father figure might force someone into a more passive or victimized position.

Being Jealous or Territorial

If individuals weren’t raised in a consistent, loving environment by their early caregivers, they might struggle to have meaningful relationships as adults. One sign of an attachment issue is being overly anxious or jealous.

Someone with daddy issues may constantly be worried that the person they’re dating is seeing someone else. Or they might imagine that someone is flirting with their partner.

Constantly Needing Reassurance

Rooted in a fear of being abandoned, those with daddy issues sometimes have an insatiable need to receive love. This fear might take the form of requiring constant affection, constant attention, or constant approval.

While the person is genuinely anxious for a deep connection and attachment, they often go about getting it in unhealthy ways. They might repeatedly ask their partner if they are angry at them, for example, or always question whether they made the right decision. Over time, this can take a toll on the relationship.

Abandonment Fears

Another sign of someone with daddy issues is wanting to be in a relationship at any cost. They might jump from one relationship to another because they’re afraid to be alone.

However, people who fear being abandoned may inadvertently drive their partners away if they constantly need reassurance or if they consistently question their partner’s love for them.

Repeating Toxic Patterns

People with daddy issues might be so accustomed to a dysfunctional relationship that they duplicate it over time.

So, it’s possible that someone with daddy issues can consistently seek out toxic relationships because it’s familiar to them.

Why Healthy Relationship With Father Figures Are Important

The importance of fathers being involved in their families is evident. For instance, some studies have found fewer behavioral problems in children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) who spent a higher quantity of time with their fathers.

Conversely, increased time and involvement with a father in at-risk families don’t contribute to a healthy dynamic. Instead, it can increase adverse behavior problems, especially if the father is physically abusive.

Scientific evidence shows that a physically abusive father can traumatize adolescents and lead to anxiety, depression, and social withdrawal. The adolescent may also mimic their father’s aggressive and violent behavior after spending more time together.

Can ‘Daddy Issues’ Be Treated?

In short, yes. For instance, there are ways to cope with an insecure attachment style by reconciling childhood experiences related to daddy issues and finding new ways to deal with insecurities. A good therapist can help guide those struggling with this.

Work to Resolve Attachment Issues

To resolve attachment issues and improve emotional regulation skills, those with daddy issues are encouraged to seek out the assistance of a qualified therapist. Counseling can help those wounded by their relationships with their father find new ways to have a healthy and loving partner relationship in the future.

In her practice, Bianca Rodriguez works to identify a client’s attachment style and assess how it impacts their current relationships. If their attachment style impedes their ability to have healthy relationships, she helps them make changes to those behaviors. “This often includes rebalancing core beliefs about their worth, ability to trust others and feel in control of their actions,” Rodriguez says.