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‘Cognitive’ is a term used in psychology to describe anything related to thinking, learning, and understanding. So when you hear people talk about cognitive skills or processes, they are referring to different aspects of how the brain works—things like remembering information, learning new things, paying attention, and processing all of the information you encounter each day. 

Cognitive abilities are something you use each and every day. For example, when you are learning a new instrument, you are using your cognitive skills to learn the basics of music theory, pick up melodies, learn the notes, and put that information together to produce music.

These are higher-level brain functions that encompass language, imagination, perception, and planning. Cognitive psychology is the field of psychology that investigates how people think and the processes involved in cognition. 

Types of Cognitive Processes

There are many different types of cognitive processes. They include:

Attention

Attention is a cognitive process that allows people to focus on a specific environmental stimulus. Attention is an important cognitive ability because it allows us to focus on the information we need, while also filtering out irrelevant distractions.

Language

Language and language development are cognitive processes that involve the ability to understand and express thoughts through spoken and written words. This allows us to communicate with others, including conveying our own thoughts and learning about others. It also plays an important role in thought.

Learning

Learning requires cognitive processes involved in taking in new things, synthesizing information, and integrating it with prior knowledge. Cognitive psychologists often study the mental processes that involved in processing, comprehending, and remembering information.

Memory

Memory is an important cognitive process that allows people to encode, store, and retrieve information. It is a critical component in the learning process and allows people to retain knowledge about the world and their personal histories.

Perception

Perception is a cognitive process that allows people to take in information through their senses, then utilize this information to respond and interact with the world.

Thought

Thought is an essential part of every cognitive process. It allows people to engage in decision-making, problem-solving, and higher reasoning.

History of the Study of Cognition

The study of how humans think dates back to the time of ancient Greek philosophers Plato and Aristotle.

Philosophical Origins

Plato’s approach to the study of the mind suggested that people understand the world by first identifying basic principles buried deep inside themselves, then using rational thought to create knowledge. This viewpoint was later advocated by philosophers such as Rene Descartes and linguist Noam Chomsky. It is often referred to as rationalism.

Aristotle, on the other hand, believed that people acquire knowledge through their observations of the world around them. Later thinkers such as John Locke and B.F. Skinner also advocated this point of view, which is often referred to as empiricism.

Early Psychology

During the earliest days of psychology—and for the first half of the 20th century—psychology was largely dominated by psychoanalysis, behaviorism, and humanism.

Eventually, a formal field of study devoted solely to the study of cognition emerged as part of the “cognitive revolution” of the 1960s. This field is known as cognitive psychology.

The Emergence of Cognitive Psychology

One of the earliest definitions of cognition was presented in the first textbook on cognitive psychology, which was published in 1967. According to Ulric Neisser, a psychologist and the book’s author, cognition is “those processes by which the sensory input is transformed, reduced, elaborated, stored, recovered, and used.”

What Can Affect Cognitive Processes?

It is important to remember that these cognitive processes are complex and often imperfect. Some of the factors that can affect or influence cognition include:

Age

Research indicates that as we age, our cognitive function tends to decline. Age-related cognitive changes include processing things more slowly, finding it harder to recall past events, and a failure to remember information that was once known (such as how to solve a particular math equation or historical information).

Attention Issues

Selective attention is a limited resource, so there are a number of things that can make it difficult to focus on everything in your environment. Attentional blink, for example, happens when you are so focused on one thing that you completely miss something else happening right in front of you.

Cognitive Biases

Cognitive biases are systematic errors in thinking related to how people process and interpret information about the world. Confirmation bias is one common example that involves only paying attention to information that aligns with your existing beliefs while ignoring evidence that doesn’t support your views. 

Genetics

Some studies have connected cognitive function with certain genes. For example, a 2020 study published in Brain Communications found that a person’s level of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), which is 30% determined by heritability, can impact the rate of brain neurodegeneration, a condition that ultimately impacts cognitive function.

Memory Limitations

Short-term memory is surprisingly brief, typically lasting just 20 to 30 seconds, whereas long-term memory can be stable and enduring, with memories lasting years and even decades. Memory can also be fragile and fallible. Sometimes we forget and other times we are subject to misinformation effects that may even lead to the formation of false memories.

Uses for Cognitive Processes

Cognitive processes affect every aspect of life, from school to work to relationships. Some specific uses for these processes include the following.

Learning New Things

Learning requires being able to take in new information, form new memories, and make connections with other things that you already know. Researchers and educators use their knowledge of these cognitive processes to create instructive materials to help people learn new concepts.

Forming Memories

Memory is a major topic of interest in the field of cognitive psychology. How we remember, what we remember, and what we forget reveal a great deal about how cognitive processes operate.

While people often think of memory as being much like a video camera—carefully recording, cataloging, and storing life events away for later recall—research has found that memory is much more complex.

Making Decisions

Whenever people make any type of a decision, it involves making judgments about things they have processed. This might involve comparing new information to prior knowledge, integrating new information into existing ideas, or even replacing old knowledge with new knowledge before making a choice.

Impact of Cognition

Our cognitive processes have a wide-ranging impact that influences everything from our daily life to our overall health.

Perceiving the World

As you take in sensations from the world around you, the information that you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell must first be transformed into signals that the brain can understand. The perceptual process allows you to take in this sensory information and convert it into a signal that your brain can recognize and act upon.

Forming Impressions

The world is full of an endless number of sensory experiences. To make meaning out of all this incoming information, it is important for the brain to be able to capture the fundamentals. Events are reduced to only the critical concepts and ideas that we need.

Filling in the Gaps

In addition to reducing information to make it more memorable and understandable, people also elaborate on these memories as they reconstruct them. In some cases, this elaboration happens when people are struggling to remember something. When the information cannot be recalled, the brain sometimes fills in the missing data with whatever seems to fit.

Interacting With the World

Cognition involves not only the things that go on inside our heads but also how these thoughts and mental processes influence our actions. Our attention to the world around us, memories of past events, understanding of language, judgments about how the world works, and abilities to solve problems all contribute to how we behave and interact with our surrounding environment.

Tips for Improving Cognitive Skills

Cognitive processes are influenced by a range of factors, including genetics and experiences. While you cannot change your genes or age, there are things that you can do to protect and maximize your cognitive abilities:

• Stay healthy. Lifestyle factors such as eating a nutritious diet and getting regular exercise can have a positive effect on cognitive functioning. 
• Think critically. Question your assumptions and ask questions about your thoughts, beliefs, and conclusions.
• Stay curious and keep learning. A great way to flex your cognitive abilities is to keep challenging yourself to learn more about the world.
• Skip multitasking. While it might seem like doing several things at once would help you get done faster, research has shown it actually decreases both productivity and work quality.

Actions speak louder than words—unless, of course, your partner’s love language is “words of affirmation.” In this case, words are everything. Whether they are written or spoken, a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation will place a lot of importance on what you have to say to them.

Your words will speak volumes to them, even when you want them to just let things slide. In fact, it’s not uncommon for simple phrases like “I’m thankful for…” and “I love how you…” will go a long way in communicating how much they are appreciated.

Your partner will especially appreciate compliments, heartfelt thank-you’s, handwritten notes, and hearing what they mean to others. The goal is to let your partner know how much they mean to you and how much you care.

Take the Quiz to Identify Your Love Language

This fast, free quiz will help you determine your love language:

This love languages quiz was medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.

What Are Words of Affirmation?

Words of affirmation are words that communicate your love, appreciation, and respect for another person. They’re positive words and phrases used to uplift someone. Not to mention, these compliments and words of encouragement don’t have to be said directly to the person. A simple hand-written note is appreciated just as much as a personal phone call.

When it comes to Gary Chapman’s five love languages, words of affirmation is the most common love language, edging out quality time and acts of service. It also is the only love language that revolves around verbal expression.

People who give and receive love through words of affirmation tend to be the people who notice and care about the details of other people’s lives. For instance, they may be the first to notice their partner’s new haircut. They also remember to ask the neighbor how their sick dog is doing. They may even remember to ask the cashier at the local supermarket if they are feeling any better.

What Are Some Words of Affirmation Examples?

Here are a few examples of words of affirmation:

• “Everything is better when you’re here.”
• “I appreciate it when you…”
• “I couldn’t do this without you.”
• “I really love the new outfit. It looks great on you!”
• “I’m so lucky to be with you.”
• “I’m so thankful to have you in my life.”
• “It impressed me when you…”
• “Thank you for…”
• “You are doing such a great job. I’m really proud of you.”
• “You are one of my favorite people to be around.”
• “You are so special to me.”
• “You are the best.”
• “Your support means so much to me.”
• “You’re an inspiration!”

Words of affirmation can also be important in other types of interpersonal relationships. For example, you might use different types of positive affirmations to show kindness and gratitude toward your family members, friends, boss, or co-workers.

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Benefits of Words of Affirmation

Are using words of affirmation effective? For a person who tends to place a great deal of importance on what their partner says, hearing words of affirmation can help them to feel valued, satisfied, and happier in a relationship.

By using words of affirmation in your relationship, you are strengthening communication between you and your partner. You are showing your partner that you notice and appreciate them. When your partner feels appreciated, they are likely to experience a deeper satisfaction with themselves and with the relationship.

Receiving words of affirmation can help someone feel a greater sense of self-worth and motivation as well. If you notice your partner is making an extra effort on a special project or on their appearance, you might offer them an encouraging word or some praise. They will likely feel a boost in spirit and appreciate you for noticing.

Offering your partner an encouraging word can have a positive impact on you, too. Studies link giving compliments with a greater sense of well-being.

How to Ask for More Words of Affirmation

If your love language is words of affirmation, it feels amazing when your partner delivers a positive or loving message. You might be wondering how to get them to use your love language more often.

When your partner offers words of affirmation, let them know that their words make you feel good. Try saying, “I love when you tell me what a great job I’m doing,” or “It makes me feel so good to hear you say that.” When you respond with gratitude, your partner will likely be encouraged to continue offering you words of affirmation.

You might even introduce your partner to the love languages if they aren’t already familiar. Maybe you and your partner sit down to discuss each other’s preferred language.

It’s also helpful to be familiar with your partner’s love language, especially if it’s different from your own. They might not always deliver words of affirmation when you want them to, but that’s OK. Try noticing and appreciating it if they offer you another sign of their love (maybe in their own love language).

Tips for Using Words of Affirmation

A sweet note laying in the middle of the kitchen counter; a post-it placed in the middle of the mirror; or a favorite poem verse tucked into a suitcase—these examples are just a few of the many different options that might speak to a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation.

If your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation, you will need to find ways to communicate how much they mean to you. Here are some tips on how to speak this love language to your partner.

Be Authentic

People who have words of affirmation as their primary love language have a nose for false platitudes, so be sure you are authentic when talking with them. You want to be sure what you’re saying to them is coming from the heart, because if you are making stuff up, they will be able to tell.

Be Empathetic

When it comes to words of affirmation, it is crucial that partners realize that you recognize how they are feeling, especially if they are feeling down. Show empathy for your partner. Think about what it would be like to walk in their shoes and then demonstrate that you know how they are feeling.

Show Your Appreciation

Usually, people who feel fulfilled by positive words and comments will thrive when people recognize and appreciate what they do. Whether it is how they do the laundry, the meal they cooked for dinner, or the fact that they spent three hours proofing your report, the key is to tell them in no uncertain terms how much you appreciate them.

Say ‘I Love You’ A Lot

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation never get tired of hearing “I love you” from the people they care about. While it’s common to feel like the phrase is overused, a words of affirmation person will never get tired of hearing you say it, especially when you find new and creative ways to communicate your love.

Mail Them a Letter

While email is a great way to communicate when you’re in a hurry, there is something special about receiving a love letter in the mail. So, get out a pencil and paper and start writing. Your partner will be so surprised to receive the letter from you. If a letter seems overwhelming, buy them a cute card and write a nice note inside.

Post a Note

Sometimes the best and most efficient way to communicate how much you love your partner is to use a sticky note and leave them a little message about how much they mean to you. If you want to get really creative, you could post a number of notes in the shape of a heart or another figure on the bathroom mirror or the window of their car.

Give Them a Shout Out

Make sure you compliment your words of affirmation partner in front of other people. Tell them what makes you proud and what you really appreciate. Don’t go overboard and embarrass your partner, but telling others how awesome you think your partner is will touch their heart in so many ways. So, don’t be stingy with the compliments. This is a great way to fill your partner’s love tank.

Point Out Their Strengths

Pointing out your partner’s strengths is especially important when they are feeling down or discouraged. Giving them a pep talk and pointing out what you really like about them or what they do well speaks volumes. They need to know that you see value in who they are.

Dial It Up

When your partner is going through a tough time, it can be helpful for you to dial up the nice words. Be extra kind and loving while reminding your partner why they are important and what they mean to you. At all times, it is helpful to offer words of encouragement. These steps show them that you are there for them even in the rough patches of their life.

How to Make Words of Affirmation a Habit

Even if you are not a words of affirmation person, it is a good idea to make words of affirmation a daily habit. While it might not come naturally, there are things you can do to make offering words of affirmation a habit:

• Try a pet name: Perhaps you can begin each conversation with the pet name you have your partner. For example, you could say, “Good morning, beautiful” or “How are you, sweet pea?” These terms of endearment may sound corny, but for a words of affirmation person, they can be special.
• Be yourself: Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or say things that you don’t feel. Just give yourself permission to be your authentic self and share what you appreciate about your partner.
• Offer encouragement: Words of affirmation don’t just have to be expressions of gratitude or compliments—they can also focus on words that encourage your partner. When they express interest in something or share one of their goals with you, let them know that you believe in them and support them.

What to Avoid If Your Partner’s Love Language Is Words of Affirmation

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation are often extremely wounded and hurt by gaslighting, narcissism, and emotional abuse. Negative words, accusations, and criticisms are like daggers to their heart.

Here are some other things to avoid doing if your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation:

• Don’t assume there is a perfect quote for every one of life’s situations.
• Don’t be mean or hurtful with your words; they take them to heart.
• Don’t be overly critical or condescending; they interpret this as saying they are dumb or stupid.
• Don’t make fun of them or tease them too intensely; they are sensitive.
• Don’t try to manipulate them with words or hit below the belt.
• Don’t try to take shortcuts in expressing love to them; they can tell when you’re faking it.
• Don’t withhold kind words as a punishment.

Keep in Mind

Being loved and appreciated in a way that you understand is important in any relationship. People whose love language is words of affirmation like to hear that you love them, appreciate them, and will be there for them.

While the love languages can be a helpful tool for relationships, it’s OK if you and your partner seek additional support—especially if you are feeling unloved or unappreciated. You might consider attending relationship counseling to strengthen the bond you have with each other.

Relationships are hard enough as it is, add in difficulty with feeling secure and it gets even trickier.

Research has shown that our attachment patterns are set in early childhood and persist throughout our lifetime. The patterns are either secure or insecure. If a child grows up with consistency, reliability, and safety, they will likely have a secure style of attachment.

People can develop a secure attachment style or one of three types of insecure styles of attachment (avoidant, anxious/ambivalent, and disorganized). In order to cope with an insecure attachment style, you can work with a therapist to change your interaction patterns and develop more secure connections.

What It Means to Be Insecurely Attached

Insecure attachment is characterized by a lack of trust and a lack of a secure base. People with an insecure style may behave in anxious, ambivalent, or unpredictable ways.

When adults with secure attachments look back on their childhood, they usually feel that someone reliable was always available to them. They can reflect on events in their life (good and bad) in the proper perspective. As adults, people with a secure attachment style enjoy close intimate relationships and are not afraid to take risks in love.

However, someone with an insecure attachment style can learn to change their behaviors and patterns. Working with a therapist can help them develop the skills they need to improve their relationships and build the security they didn’t have as a child.

Patterns of Insecurity

If a person develops an insecure style of attachment, it can take one of three forms: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.

• Avoidant. People who develop an avoidant attachment style often have a dismissive attitude, shun intimacy, and have difficulties reaching for others in times of need.
• Anxious/Ambivalent. People with an ambivalent attachment pattern are often anxious and preoccupied. They can be viewed by others as “clingy” or “needy” because they require constant validation and reassurance.
• Disorganized. People with a disorganized attachment style typically experienced childhood trauma or extreme inconsistency growing up. Disorganized attachment is not a mixture of avoidant and ambivalent attachments; rather, a person has no real coping strategies and is unable to deal with the world.

Signs of Insecure Attachment

People with an insecure attachment style generally have trouble connecting emotionally. They can be aggressive or unpredictable toward their loved ones—a behavior rooted in the lack of consistent love and affection they experienced in childhood.

Each form of insecure attachment is characterized by its own behaviors and patterns of behavior in relationships.

Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to:

• Fear and avoid commitment
• Avoid making friends
• Struggle to accept criticism
• Don’t like to show emotions
• Accuse their partners of being to clingy or needy
• Dislike touch or physical closeness
• Prefer to be alone when they are stressed or upset
• Don’t invest in relationships and prefer to remain independent

Anxious / Ambivalent Attachment

Signs of an ambivalent attachment style include:

• Craving close relationships but feeling unable to trust others
• Becoming overly focused on romantic partners and losing sight of another important aspect of life
• Problems recognizing and honoring boundaries
• Feeling jealous or anxious when separated from your partner
• Using guilt trips or other manipulative tactics to control your partner
• Seek constant reassurance from your partner

Disorganized Attachment

Signs of disorganized attachment include:

• Depression and anxiety
• Frequent outbursts and erratic behaviors stemming from the inability to clearly see and understand the world around them or properly process the behavior of others or relationships
• Poor self-image and self-hatred
• The perpetuation of trauma in relationships, especially related to parenthood (for example, struggling to form healthy attachments with their own children, which perpetuates a cycle of dysfunctional attachment)

Overcoming an Insecure Attachment Style

No one has to be a victim of their past. No one is unable to change or grow. A person who does not have a naturally secure style can work on “earned security,” which means developing a secure style through relationships and interactions in adulthood. For example, security can flourish in the context of friendships and psychotherapy.

When a person undertakes intensive psychotherapy, a therapist helps them identify past traumas, recognize where their behaviors are anchored and move forward in life with a more positive self-view and world-view. This work will ultimately help the individual learn to form healthy, secure attachments.

• Understand your childhood experiences: To earn security, you must develop a coherent narrative about what happened to you as a child. You also need to explore the impact it has had on the decisions you might have unconsciously made about how to survive in the world. You must think critically about how your upbringing affected your attachment style and work on breaking those patterns.
• Consider the impact on current relationships: For example, couples sometimes get into repetitive patterns of interactions. They might reflect and not know how things “go so out of hand.” While they might not be aware of it, their childhood memories and experiences of insecurity can influence feelings and interactions in their adult relationships.
• Look at what drives relationship problems: Even though the couple is fighting about a “surface issue,” insecure attachment triggers might be underlying the interaction. The emotional arousal and reactivity levels can seem disproportionate to the situation. If it’s severe, the couple’s therapist (particularly if they are attachment oriented) might need to facilitate change in the safe environment of the therapist’s office.
• Keep working to build new habits: Earned security can take time. Getting married and becoming a parent are critical elements to shifting one’s attachment style. A good marital relationship can be important in supporting your sense of security.

A healthy relationship is one where partners are mutually caring, supportive, respectful, and loving toward one another. For people with insecure attachment patterns, these characteristics can help shift them from feeling negative about themselves.

Keep in Mind

Establishing earned security after a lifetime of insecure attachment patterns can be tough. While it requires risk-taking and vulnerability, it can also bring you the kind of love and security you have always wanted. An earned, secure attachment style can forever change your life and your relationships for the better.

The brain will begin to change as a person changes their behavioral patterns and beliefs, thanks to neuroplasticity. An insecurely attached person can build the security they need by integrating new, supportive, loving experiences into their lives.

With time, they can trust that a reliable and consistent person (such as a partner) will be there for them in times of distress (the opposite of what they had as a child).

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a common neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by patterns of hyperactivity, inattention, impulsivity, restlessness, or a combination of all of these.

Now, while building and maintaining relationships can be difficult for everyone, those with ADHD can encounter some unique challenges. For example, they may be seen as poor listeners due to being forgetful and distracted. Additionally, people with ADHD can display high novelty-seeking tendencies, which can sometimes lead them into toxic relationships when compared to the rest of the population.

As a result, this article will explore the ways relationships are impacted by ADHD, the link between ADHD and toxic relationships, as well as the signs to look out for, and some tips for breaking the cycle.

Toxic Relationships Suck the Life Out of You

A toxic relationship can be understood to be any relationship that leaves a person feeling like their well-being is being threatened psychologically, emotionally, and even physically.

The Link Between ADHD and Toxic Relationships

While there is a range of ADHD symptoms, the ones commonly impacting relationships are emotional dysregulation, inattentiveness, impulsivity, forgetfulness, and disorganization.

This isn’t to say that everyone with ADHD will face all of these challenges; however, for those with more severe symptoms, these are the ones that can impact a person’s ability to communicate effectively, regulate emotions, and seem present in the relationship. As a result, in some cases, the combination of these symptoms can make a partner unintentionally take on a parental role.

Furthermore, these issues can also be exacerbated in relationships where an individual’s ADHD is undiagnosed; thus, the perceived lack of commitment and attentiveness is perceived as a personal failing instead of behavior exacerbated due to a lack of symptom management. As a result, these relationships can begin to foster symptoms of toxicity and display unhealthy patterns.

Why Are People With ADHD More Susceptible to Abuse?

People with ADHD can be highly susceptible to toxic relationships for various reasons. For example, a history of child abuse and a higher need for dopamine can make them more vulnerable to toxic relationships.

History of Child Abuse or Neglect

An important factor for this increased risk of engaging in toxic relationships is childhood trauma. For example, previous research has estimated that individuals with ADHD were over six times more likely to report being physically abused in childhood than those without it. In addition, a 2018 meta-analysis also found a significant association between ADHD symptoms and experiences of child maltreatment.

Regarding the long-term effect of abuse, an alternate 2018 study on twins also found strong associations between abuse, neglect, and ADHD in childhood. However, they also found that this often led to an increased risk of these individuals experiencing abuse later on in life.

Higher Need for Dopamine

For people with ADHD, stimulating and enjoyable activities hold their attention best. This is because their brains have a dysfunctional reward system, and the release of dopamine keeps them alert, focused, and productive. So how does this translate in relationships?

Relationships in which one person has ADHD tend to have an intense beginning due to people with ADHD having an affinity for those who are expressive, emotionally intense, and spontaneous.

Even though initial intensity in dating isn’t necessarily a bad thing, abusive relationships — where gaslighting and love bombing take place — also often begin the same way.

Someone with ADHD may be drawn to people who appear confident and well-put-together and miss out on signs that the other person is controlling and manipulative. And this is why pursuing relationships that cause hyper-fixations and deep feelings of infatuation can result in problems down the line.

ADHD and Intimate Partner Violence

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines intimate partner violence (IPV) as “Abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship.” This type of abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological/emotional, or involve stalking — and it varies in severity and occurrence. Additionally, previous experiences of violence and maltreatment are documented risk factors for subsequent IPV.

Keeping this in mind, it is clear that people with ADHD are at an increased risk of experiencing IPV due to the high likelihood of encountering abuse and neglect in childhood — the research confirms this, too.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

As a reminder, even healthy relationships will have periods of toxicity or display unhealthy patterns — particularly during times of increased stress or conflict. However, what makes a toxic relationship distinct is that these issues are persistent and occur long-term.

Therefore, it is crucial to be aware of the behaviors the relationship displays and the frequency with which they occur.

Here are some toxic behaviors and traits to be aware of:

Coping With a Toxic Relationship

When it comes to coping with a toxic relationship, there is no single approach that works universally. This is because relationships are dynamic and unique to those within the partnership. That said, there are various general ways people can protect themselves and cope within them.

Ask Yourself If the Relationship Is Fixable, Remembering That It’s Ok To Leave

In some instances, toxic relationships can be repaired — that said, it is also essential to know when a relationship has run its course. One way to figure this out is by checking to see if everyone in the relationship is committed to making things work. This involves changing unhealthy behaviors, respecting each other’s boundaries, and even seeking help from a therapist.

Nevertheless, in instances where a commitment to change is continually broken, the relationship has probably run its course. In this case, breaking the cycle would mean finally letting go.

Be Assertive With Your Boundaries And Needs

While open and honest communication seems easy in theory, it can sometimes feel challenging — particularly for those who weren’t allowed to assert themselves growing up. However, for a relationship to work, both parties must feel heard, secure, and protected.

Shift Your Perspectives

Regarding arguments, it is important not to communicate in a way that blames another person. Instead, a healthier way to communicate would highlight mutual understanding and learning.

That said, recognizing past behaviors is also vital. Therefore, there needs to be a mutual acceptance of responsibility. Not only will these two changes aid in creating healthier communication habits, but they’ll also indicate and reflect self-awareness and self-responsibility.

Find Outside Support

While people often turn to couples counseling to fix a relationship, having individual therapy (in tandem or before) could also be highly beneficial for the relationship and general personal well-being of those involved.

Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to fix the relationship; however, individual therapy has the bonus of allowing individuals to work on themselves and any attachment issues linked to childhood. Healing individually can also help people recontextualize their dating habits, patterns, and desires and open them up to healthier relationships overall.

That said, there are other forms of support to consider, too; these include support groups, local and online communities, classes, and engagement with work created by others who have gone through a similar situation.

How to Break Toxic Patterns

The first step in breaking any pattern is realizing that you’re in one, and it is a lot easier to do this when you can accept the situation without shame or guilt.

Additionally, it may also be helpful to do an internal catalog of previous relationships to determine if similar relationship dynamics have previously appeared. This awareness of previous habits can also offer a possible avenue of inner work that needs to take place.

It is important to note that many people with ADHD experience high levels of rejection sensitivity, and this can lead to instances where they overreact, misinterpret, or distort what other people say and do. Rejection sensitivity can also result in intense feelings of rejection and grief over a relationship ending — and sometimes make individuals reluctant to end a relationship out of this fear.

Working with a licensed mental health professional could be beneficial for these individuals. They may recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy or offer tools to work on any triggers.

If you are dealing with abuse, it is vital that you get help right away. Remember, some relationships are only meant to last a season, and leaving doesn’t mean you wasted time. Leaving is always an option.

Intense, inappropriate anger can be one of the most challenging symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD). This anger in BPD is often referred to as “borderline rage.” It can lead to explosive episodes of anger that are difficult to manage and can have a significant effect on a person’s relationships.

Even so, while anger is a key feature of BPD, very little is known about why people with BPD experience anger differently than other people, or how their experience is different. New research, however, is shedding light on the nature of borderline rage.

What Is BPD Rage?

Borderline rage, or borderline anger, is more than just a standard emotional reaction. In the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), anger in BPD is described as “inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.”

What is BPD rage like? A person with BPD may react to an event that may seem small or unimportant to someone else, such as a misunderstanding, with very strong and unhealthy expressions of anger, including:

• Physical violence
• Sarcasm
• Yelling

Why BPD Rage Occurs

While borderline anger has long been a topic of debate and speculation among BPD specialists, it has only recently become a focus of careful research. Experts are now examining how borderline anger is different than normal anger and why it occurs.

More specifically, researchers are trying to understand whether people with BPD are more easily angered, have more intense anger responses, or have more prolonged anger responses than people without BPD (or whether it’s some combination of these factors).

One study examined anger in people with BPD compared to those without BPD in response to an anger-producing story. This study found that people with BPD reported the same level of anger as the healthy controls (in response to the story). But, the healthy controls reported that their anger decreased more quickly over time than the people with BPD reported.

Furthermore, other research shows that anger in BPD may trigger rumination (when someone thinks over and over about their angry experience). This repetitive thinking creates a vicious emotional cycle that worsens the person’s anger and increases its duration (as supported by the study mentioned above).

Eventually, the prolonged and intense anger triggers aggressive behavior, which a person engages in to relieve their rage.

Research in this area is very preliminary, and more work is needed to fully understand how and why people with BPD experience borderline anger.

Treatment for BPD Rage

There are a number of therapies that can be used to treat borderline personality disorder, including the often debilitating symptom of anger.

Psychotherapy

Most psychotherapies for BPD target the strong anger responses that people with BPD report and exhibit. For example, in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), patients are taught skills to help them better manage their anger and decrease angry outbursts.

Other types of psychotherapy for BPD that target anger include:

Medications

While there are no medications for BPD that are currently FDA approved to treat the disorder, there are some that have been shown to reduce anger in BPD.

Some medications prescribed for people with BPD include: antidepressants (such as Prozac or Wellbutrin), antipsychotics (such as Abilify or Seroquel), or mood-stabilizing drugs (such as Depakote).

However, these medications are probably most effective when used in conjunction with psychotherapy. This is because while medications can alter the intensity of anger, they cannot fully prevent or erase a person’s anger when a life stressor or difficult situation arises.

Coping With BPD Rage

There is no one-size-fits-all for coping with borderline rage, but the following strategies may be helpful in diffusing anger or curbing it before it escalates.

Address Your Stress Levels

It may be helpful to find productive ways of coping with stress, since stress is a known precursor to borderline rage. Try identifying triggers of stress, asking for help from family or friends, exercising regularly, eating a balanced diet, and getting enough sleep.

Find a Distraction

BPD anger often increases the longer you’re exposed to a frustrating situation. When you feel yourself becoming angry, try to remove yourself from a situation, and take some deep breaths.

You can even do something else to distract yourself, such as watching a funny video or taking a brisk walk around your neighborhood.

Notice If You’re Ruminating

If you have BPD and you’re experiencing negative thoughts repeating on a loop—thoughts that only increase your anger—there are ways to help disrupt the cycle.

How to Deal With BPD Rage

If your loved one has BPD, you may find it difficult or even distressing to witness or be on the receiving end of their anger. Fortunately, there are many ways to increase your knowledge of borderline rage so that you can support your loved one and protect your emotional well-being.

• Attend a therapy session: It may be helpful for you to attend a therapy session (by yourself or with your loved one). A therapist can help you learn ways to deescalate a situation when your loved one is experiencing BPD rage.
• Work on communication: Clear communication is key when in a relationship with someone who has BPD. For instance, it may help to reassure them, praise them, and encourage them so they remember that you’re on their side.
• Validate their feelings: Try saying, “I understand you’re experiencing anger right now, but we can get through it together. How can I help support you?”
• Set boundaries: If possible, come up with boundaries together. For instance, you and your loved one might decide that if a borderline rage episode turns into a screaming match, you both take 15 minutes apart to regroup and calm down.
• Remember, BPD is a mental illness: Your loved one with BPD doesn’t choose to get so angry, so try not to blame them for the symptoms of their illness. However, it’s OK to hold them accountable for their actions, especially when they negatively affect you or other family members or friends.

How do you calm someone with BPD rage? Ultimately, it is up to the other person to control their anger. If someone is experiencing BPD rage, stay calm, let them express their feelings, and give them some space. If necessary, leave the situation until they can calm down. 

Carl Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist known for developing analytical psychology—also called Jungian analysis. His work is a cornerstone of modern-day psychology, with many therapists practicing psychoanalysis and his theories taught in academic programs.

While he is best known for his influence on the mental health field, Jung’s work is also influential within the liberal arts, including literature and religious studies. This article will explore the legacy of Carl Jung’s life, the Jungian archetypes he developed, his most influential theories, the controversial beliefs he held, and his relationship with Sigmund Freud.

Biography of Carl Jung

Carl Jung was born in 1875 in Switzerland to a religious family. Though he wasn’t explicitly religious himself, he found himself inspired by the symbolism and quest for greater meaning within religion. He also was a vivid dreamer, often using dream interpretation as a tool for self-exploration.

While his interests may have been somewhat unconventional at the time, he had multiple dreams that influenced him to study science and medicine. Along this journey, he found a way to combine his interests with psychology, leading him to study the relationship between the occult and psychology by the time he got to university.

He completed his medical studies in 1900 and went on to work at a mental hospital in Zurich. While there, he was mentored by Eugen Bleuler and paid special attention to schizophrenia and the causes of psychoses. These early experiences, both personally and professionally, formed the foundation of his contributions to the psychology field. 

What Was Carl Jung Most Famous For?

Carl Jung is most famous for the following:

• Analytical psychology: His own discipline of psychology that is also called Jungian psychology. It focuses on the relationship between the individual’s unconscious mind and the greater collective’s unconscious understanding.
• Jungian archetypes: Different roles each of us inhabit throughout our psychological experience.
• Extraversion and Introversion: He developed the concept of two different types of people – extroverts and introverts. 

Jungian Archetypes

Jung developed the concept of Jungian archetypes. These archetypes are patterns that represent ancestral wisdom amongst humans. Each of these archetypes exists within every human, as they are part of the collective unconscious. However, how we each express these archetypes will vary:

• The persona archetype is the part of ourselves that shows up in our daily interactions.
• The shadow represents sexuality, primal instincts, and the darker parts of our life that we tend to avoid sharing with the world.
• The anima and animus account for how gender roles show up in our lives, with the anima representing how the male psyche conceptualizes the feminine and the animus representing how the female psyche conceptualizes the masculine.
• The self is our truest essence of being. It is who we are when we have integrated our subconscious with the conscious. 

Extraversion and Introversion

Jung is known for being the first to identify two separate personality types as extroverted and introverted. Extraversion refers to individuals who have a psyche that tends to be more outgoing, talkative, assertive, and bold. Introversion refers to individuals with a psyche that exists on the opposite side of the spectrum from extraversion. Those who are identified with introversion may be shy, quiet, and private. 

The Collective Unconscious

The collective unconscious is a major component of Carl Jung’s work. This concept focuses on how an individual’s unconscious mind is influenced by the collective unconscious, which is a type of consciousness that connects all humans, past and present, to each other. The collective unconscious accounts for patterns, beliefs, myths, and images that run across centuries and cultures, which acknowledges the belief that there is a knowing that all of humankind shares.

Jung’s Theory of Synchronicity

You’ve likely heard of synchronicity as a magical conglomeration of events that feel connected, yet there is no evidence of these random events having a relationship. Within Jung’s theories was the importance of synchronicity, it holds significance and relevance to our daily lives.

For example, he believed that when a synchronistic event occurs, there is a deeper meaning within it. We can use synchronistic events as a guide for our own self-development. 

Carl Jung’s Friendship With Sigmund Freud

During Jung’s time at the mental hospital in Zurich, he began researching the theories put forth by other popular psychiatrists. One of them was Freud. They ended up developing a close relationship and Jung even considered Freud his mentor. Yet, their relationship ended up becoming wrought with tension, with Freud becoming concerned that Jung was a threat to his success.

Beyond personal issues, theoretical differences began to place them at odds. Jung did not agree with Freud’s notion that sexuality is the core driving force in humans nor did he believe that one’s unconscious mind only accounts for material one is attempting to avoid. While these differences did create a rift, Jung did write Freud’s obituary in 1939 and sang his praises.

Jung’s Thoughts on Women and Homosexuality

Jung subscribed to a heteronormative and gendered approach to psychology. This is seen within his perspectives on the anima and animus, using terms like feminine and masculine. Jung has described the feminine as passive by nature, which in itself is not true and diminishes the personal power of those who identify as women.

This also speaks to how Jung’s antiquated views on gender are limited. Additionally, it was rumored that Jung slept with one of his patients, marking an egregious abuse of power.

Jung’s views on homosexuality are also oppressive. In his book Two Essays on Analytical Psychology, he spoke of a man who was longing for male guidance and thus developed same-sex attraction. He then proceeded to state that delayed development was to blame. The meaning behind Jung’s views has been greatly debated, with some stating that he is speaking more symbolically and isn’t intending his words to be homophobic while others can acknowledge that these views embody an inherently homophobic perspective that is limiting to those who are queer and gender expansive.

How Did Carl Jung’s Work Influence MBTI Personality Types?

Jung was highly influential in understanding personality archetypes, with his work strongly influencing the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). Building on Jung’s concept of extraversion and introversion, Isabel Briggs Myers and her mother Katharine Cook Briggs included additional elements.

These elements were sensing and intuition, thinking and feeling, and judging and perceiving. Thus, these concepts were fused to create the MBTI, an assessment individuals can take to see which dimensions they score the highest on, which are then interpreted into different personality types. 

Controversies About Jung’s Work and Beliefs

While Jung’s work is still utilized today, there is ample controversy and criticism about his beliefs. In some of Jung’s writings, he referred to those of African descent as having a “primitive” mind, which harkens to deeply racist mythology. Though questions of Jung being racist have been highly debated, with analysts taking a pass at interpreting his work, it is indisputable that referring to Africans as having a primitive mind aligns with an oppressive and pathologizing thought process. 

Carl Jung rejected the notion that he perpetuated anti-semitism, however, his writings indicate otherwise. In one of his writings, he stated that the “Aryan unconscious has greater potential than the Jewish unconscious.” He also edited an anti-semitic publication, though he stated he did so with support from his Jewish colleagues with the goal of being in service to psychoanalysis as a science. 

Carl Jung’s Legacy

Jung’s legacy is complicated. His contributions to psychoanalysis serve as a foundation in modern-day psychology. He gave us concepts, like synchronicity, extraversion, and introversion, that are referenced in casual conversations daily. Yet, he also perpetuated oppressive views, which have left present-day Jungian analysts to reckon with his positive contributions and his oppressive ideologies. While his relevance today cannot be disputed, it is important to remain mindful that all he espoused does not hold up. 

What Is Bowenian Family Therapy?

Bowenian family therapy is an approach to treatment that was developed by the psychiatrist Murray Bowen. Bowen believed that patterns persist in families across generations, and problematic behaviors can be passed down and create similar ongoing conflicts.

Bowen created this approach to therapy aimed at fostering healthy communication between family members, breaking toxic or harmful patterns, and developing healthy differentiation and autonomy among each individual within the family unit. Bowenian family therapy uses an intergenerational lens to identify these patterns and communication techniques to promote healthy boundaries and relationships within the family.

Types of Bowenian Family Therapy

As the name implies, Bowenian family therapy typically involves multiple family members working together to address family conflicts and improve relationships within the family unit.

Family therapy can include couple’s work, parent and child relationship work, work with blended families, or work with multiple generations of a family.

However, a Bowenian therapist can also work with individuals. Individual talk therapy can include an emphasis on identifying intergenerational conflicts and patterns, setting appropriate boundaries and differentiation between the individual and their family members, and communication skills. If an individual wants to work on these issues and including additional family members is not possible, they can still benefit from techniques of Bowenian family therapy.

Techniques of Bowenian Family Therapy

Practitioners of Bowenian family therapy have several interventions that are specific to this approach to treatment, including: 

• Genograms: A genogram is a visual graphic of a family that includes information about history, relationships, psychology, and patterns. It allows the therapist and client to explore these patterns and connections to guide treatment. Bowenian therapists will typically create a genogram at the start of therapy but continue to add information throughout the course of treatment.
• Differentiating emotions and self-differentiation: Bowenian therapists will help clients identify the emotions occurring within the family unit and note when they are taking on the emotions of other family members. This technique involves helping each family member recognize their individual emotions and identities alongside their role in the family unit.
• I-statements: An “I-statement” is a communication technique that emphasizes the emotions of the speaker rather than the attributes of the other person. It aims to communicate the emotion behind the statement rather than bringing up defensiveness or feelings of blame in the listener. For example, instead of, “You never help around the house,” the client would be encouraged to rephrase as, “I feel overwhelmed with chores and would like more help from you.”
• Triangles: While triangulation in family therapy refers to a form of manipulation in which members are pitted against each other, Bowenian family therapy uses the concept of emotional triangles to symbolize stable relationship networks. In Bowenian family therapy, families work to create healthy balance and support in these emotional triangles.
• Intergenerational patterns: Using the genogram, a Bowenian family therapist will work to identify patterns persisting between generations and help families identify which patterns benefit them and which patterns they want to challenge and break out of.
• Normalizing challenges: Bowenian family therapists emphasize that challenges and conflicts will occur even after therapy terminates. They prepare clients to face future difficulties before they arise.

What Bowenian Family Therapy Can Help With

Bowenian family therapy can help families who are experiencing conflict or communication difficulties. It can also help individuals experiencing anxiety and stress. It is particularly helpful if you want to address the impact of previous generations and current family dynamics on your mental health and current symptoms.

Benefits of Bowenian Family Therapy

Because Bowenian family therapy emphasizes healthy communication skills and conflict resolution, participating in this type of therapy can help foster healthy relationships and appropriate boundaries. Clients develop insight into their behaviors and develop a deeper understanding of why they make the choices they make, the impact of these choices on their relationships, and how to make healthy and lasting changes.

Families that engage in Bowenian family therapy together learn to identify the triangles within the unit and utilize these interconnected relationships to make relationships stronger. They are taught healthy and appropriate communication styles that foster productive conflict resolution rather than defensiveness and arguments. Members can also understand each other on a deeper level by identifying intergenerational patterns.

Finally, each family member learns a healthy balance between connectedness and personal identity within the family unit.

Effectiveness of Bowenian Family Therapy

There is limited empirical evidence for Bowenian family therapy at this time. However, the Bowenian technique of self-differentiation can be effective in alleviating anxiety symptoms. In addition, a meta-review of 295 primary studies showed that Bowenian family therapy’s emphasis on differentiation of self improved interpersonal and marital relationships. In couple’s therapy, Bowenian family therapy can improve feelings of happiness and empathy between partners due to improved communication skills and increased understanding of both the self and the other.

Additionally, research has shown that Bowenian family therapy can aid in family reunification when child protection has been involved, as parents can learn to identify abusive patterns in their family genogram and work to break these patterns.

Things to Consider

Because Bowenian family therapy can be used individually, with couples, or with a larger family unit, it is an option for many people seeking therapy support. Clients need to be prepared to put in the work to practice making changes to communication styles and boundaries, especially if other family members are not directly involved in treatment.

Disrupting long-standing patterns is stressful and challenging even if it is beneficial in the long run.

Additionally, this approach includes exploring transgenerational patterns and behaviors, and as such, it may bring up intergenerational trauma. Prior to starting treatment, clients should be prepared for this possibility and have coping skills in place to address difficult emotions that might come up over the course of treatment.

As with all forms of therapy, Bowenian family therapy is not a “magic pill” that will suddenly fix problems. It takes significant client engagement and willingness to make needed changes.

How to Get Started

If Bowenian family therapy seems to be a good fit for your therapy goals and mental health needs, you can begin looking for therapists who offer this approach. You could look into online therapy companies to see if anyone offers Bowenian family therapy, or you could use an online therapy directory to search for this modality specifically. Many therapists will note that they are trained in Bowenian family therapy on their directory profiles.

You can also contact your insurance company to get information about what services are covered. Although specific theoretical orientations typically are not excluded by insurance plans, the company can give you information about what your out-of-pocket cost might be as well as the names of in-network providers.

If you feel like current family dynamics and intergenerational patterns are impacting your mental health and family relationships, Bowenian family therapy might help you address these concerns in a healthy way.