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The fear of failure, also known as atychiphobia, is an irrational and persistent fear of failing. This fear can stem from a number of sources. Sometimes it might emerge in response to a specific situation. In other cases, it might be related to another mental health condition such as anxiety or depression.

The fear of failure may also be related to being a perfectionist. Because perfectionists have such high expectations for how they expect things to turn out, they may experience a nagging fear that they won’t live up to those often unrealistically high standards.

This article discusses the signs of a fear of failure and what causes this fear. It also explores treatments that can help and how to prevent this fear from holding you back.

Characteristics of the Fear of Failure

A fear of failure can produce emotional and behavioral symptoms. Some of the common signs of this fear include:

• Anxiety
• Avoidance
• Feeling a loss of control
• Helplessness
• Powerlessness

In addition to emotional and behavioral symptoms, people with a fear of failure may also experience physical symptoms including rapid heart rate, chest tightness, trembling, dizziness, lightheadedness, sweating, and digestive problems.

Identifying the Fear of Failure

The fear of failure may affect people in a variety of ways, which means that it’s not always easy to identify. Some of the ways that people may experience the fear of failure include:

• Believing that you don’t have the skills or knowledge to achieve something
• Feeling like you won’t be able to achieve your goals
• Procrastinating to the point that it affects your performance or ability to finish on time
• Telling people that you will probably fail so that expectations remain low
• Underestimating your own abilities to avoid feeling let down
• Worrying that imperfections or shortcomings will make other people think less of you
• Worrying that you will disappoint others if you fail

In some cases, the fear of failure may cause people to avoid trying altogether. Because they are so afraid that they will try and not succeed, they simply decide not to try at all in order to prevent potential pain, embarrassment, or disappointment.

Causes of the Fear of Failure

A fear of failure can have a wide variety of causes. Some potential causes include:

Critical Upbringing

People who grow up in households that are highly critical or unsupportive may be more likely to experience a fear of failure. Because they felt that they could never live up to their family’s expectations during childhood, they may continue to fear making mistakes as adults. 

Definitions of Failure

People often have different definitions of what failure means. For some people, it means not achieving something exactly as they planned. This can create a set of expectations that is very difficult to live up to.

Genetics

Anxiety is also influenced by genetic factors. If members of your family also have anxiety conditions, you might be more likely to develop fears and anxieties yourself.

Perfectionism

Fear of failure sometimes stems from perfectionism. When people have extremely high standards, it often seems like nothing lives up to their expectations. This includes their own performance and achievements. Because they fear not reaching the high standards they’ve set, they may experience an intense fear of failing.

Trauma

People who experienced a difficult or even traumatic failure may also be very afraid of repeating that experience in the future.

Having a panic attack during a presentation or being ridiculed for your performance, for example, could contribute to feelings of fear. Negative consequences resulting from failure, such as losing a job or not getting into a college, can also be risk factors that contribute to the fear of failure.

Impact of the Fear of Failure

A fear of failure can take a toll on a person’s belief in their abilities and their motivation to pursue their goals. 

• Low self-esteem: People who fear failure may also engage in negative self-talk or have low self-confidence that makes it difficult to pursue goals. 
• Poor motivation: When people fear failure, they may also experience a lack of motivation that makes it difficult to get started on projects and work toward goals. When something seems too challenging or involves learning new skills, people may simply give up or refuse to get involved.
• Self-sabotage: It isn’t uncommon for people who fear failure to engage in acts of self-handicapping that undermine their own chances of success. Research has found, for example, that students who fear failing often engage in self-handicapping behaviors that actually limit academic success and perpetuate failure. 
• Shame: The fear of failure often stems from a fear of experiencing shame or embarrassment. Failing can trigger feelings worthlessness, so avoiding trying in the first place can sometimes serve as a way to protect the self from disappointment, regret, and sadness.

Treatment for Fear of Failure

Treatment for the fear of failure depends on a variety of factors including how you experience this fear and the impact that it has on your life. In many cases, people can use self-help strategies to cope with these feelings. 

If your fear of failure is impeding your ability to function normally, it is important to talk to a professional. Treatment options for a fear of failure might include:

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy can help you address the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that contribute to a fear of failure. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that helps people identify and change negative thought patterns that contribute to feelings of fear. Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) may also be helpful.

Medications

Medications may be prescribed to help you manage feelings of anxiety or depression that might be linked to your fear. Selective-serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant that are commonly prescribed to treat mood conditions and anxiety. Anti-anxiety medications, such as Xanax (alprazolam) and Ativan (lorazepam), may also be prescribed.

Coping With Fear of Failure

There are also a number of strategies that you can use to help reduce feelings of fear about failure. Some of these include:

Consider the Outcomes

Sometimes thinking about the worst possible outcome—and then coming up with a plan for how you’ll deal with it—can help reduce anxiety when you are pursuing your goals. 

Focus on the Things You Can Control

Instead of worrying about aspects of the situation that you have no power over, focus your energy on things that you can control. 

Plan Ahead

When you are facing a challenge that might trigger your fear of failing, work on developing alternative plans just in case your initial efforts don’t go as planned. Having a plan B (or plan C) can help you feel less anxious and more secure.

Redefine Failure

Changing how you think about failure may also help reduce your feelings of fear. Failure is part of life and can be an important opportunity to learn and acquire new skills.

It can certainly be disappointing, but it is important to maintain a healthy perspective toward the potential benefits of failing from time to time. Remember that success is often reached through a series of progressive failures that lead to new information, skills, and strategies.

Use Positive Thinking

Avoid negative self-talk that can undermine your confidence and create feelings of anxiety. Instead, work on thinking more like an optimist to keep your motivation high.

A big part of writing a psychology paper involves documenting exactly *how* you conducted your study or experiment. In other words, you need to share the methods, techniques, and tools you used to reach your conclusions or findings. That’s why we call this section of your paper (surprise, surprise) the “method section.”

The methods section of an APA format psychology paper provides the methods and procedures used in a research study or experiment. This part of an APA paper is critical because it allows other researchers to see exactly how you conducted your research.

The Purpose of a Method Section

“Method” refers to the procedure used in a research study. It includes a precise description of how the experiments were performed and why particular procedures were selected. While the APA technically refers to this section as the ‘method section,’ it is also often known as a ‘methods section.’

The method section ensures the experiment’s reproducibility and the assessment of alternative methods that might produce different results. It also allows researchers to replicate the experiment and judge its validity.

What to Include in a Method Section

So what exactly do you need to include when writing your method section? You should provide detailed information on the following:

• Research design
• Participants
• Equipment
• Materials
• Variables
• Participant behavior

Components of a Method Section

The method section should utilize subheadings to divide up different subsections. These subsections typically include participants, materials, design, and procedure.

Heading	What to Include
Participants	Participant characteristics How they were selected Restrictions on participant pool
Materials	Equipment Psychological assessments Testing instruments
Design	Independent and dependent variables Control variables Extraneous variables Type of design
Procedure	Data collection method Steps followed What participants did at each point

Participants 

In this part of the method section, you should describe the participants in your experiment, including who they were (and any unique features that set them apart from the general population), how many there were, and how they were selected. If you utilized random selection to choose your participants, it should be noted here.

For example: “We randomly selected 100 children from elementary schools near the University of Arizona.”

At the very minimum, this part of your method section must convey:

• Basic demographic characteristics of your participants (such as sex, age, ethnicity, or religion)
• The population from which your participants were drawn
• Any restrictions on your pool of participants
• How many participants were assigned to each condition and how they were assigned to each group (i.e., randomly assignment, another selection method, etc.)
• Why participants took part in your research (i.e., the study was advertised at a college or hospital, they received some type of incentive, etc.)

Recap

Information about participants helps other researchers understand how your study was performed, how generalizable the result might be, and allows other researchers to replicate the experiment with other populations to see if they might obtain the same results.

Materials

In this part of the method section, you should describe the materials, measures, equipment, or stimuli used in the experiment. This may include:

• Testing instruments
• Technical equipment
• Any psychological assessments that were used
• Any special equipment that was used

For example: “Two stories from Sullivan et al.’s (1994) second-order false belief attribution tasks were used to assess children’s understanding of second-order beliefs.”

For standard equipment such as computers, televisions, and videos, you can simply name the device and not provide further explanation.

Specialized equipment should be given greater detail, especially if it is complex or created for a niche purpose. In some instances, such as if you created a special material or apparatus for your study, you might need to include an illustration of the item in the appendix of your paper.

Design

In this part of your method section, describe the type of design used in the experiment. Specify the variables as well as the levels of these variables. Identify:

Also, explain whether your experiment uses a within-groups or between-groups design.

For example: “The experiment used a 3×2 between-subjects design. The independent variables were age and understanding of second-order beliefs.”

Procedure

The next part of your method section should detail the procedures used in your experiment. Your procedures should explain:

• What the participants did
• How data was collected
• The order in which steps occurred

For example: “An examiner interviewed children individually at their school in one session that lasted 20 minutes on average. The examiner explained to each child that he or she would be told two short stories and that some questions would be asked after each story. All sessions were videotaped so the data could later be coded.”

Keep this subsection concise yet detailed. Explain what you did and how you did it, but do not overwhelm your readers with too much information.

Tips for How to Write a Methods Section

In addition to following the basic structure of an APA method section, there are also certain things you should remember when writing this section of your paper. Consider the following tips when writing this section:

• Use the past tense: Always write the method section in the past tense.
• Be descriptive: Provide enough detail that another researcher could replicate your experiment, but focus on brevity. Avoid unnecessary detail that is not relevant to the outcome of the experiment.
• Use an academic tone: Use formal language and avoid slang or colloquial expressions. Word choice is also important. Refer to the people in your experiment or study as “participants” rather than “subjects.”
• Use APA format: Keep a style guide on hand as you write your method section. The Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association is the official source for APA style.
• Make connections: Read through each section of your paper for agreement with other sections. If you mention procedures in the method section, these elements should be discussed in the results and discussion sections.
• Proofread: Check your paper for grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors.. typos, grammar problems, and spelling errors. Although a spell checker is a handy tool, there are some errors only you can catch.

After writing a draft of your method section, be sure to get a second opinion. You can often become too close to your work to see errors or lack of clarity. Take a rough draft of your method section to your university’s writing lab for additional assistance.

Frequently Asked Questions

• 
  What three components must be included in an APA methods section?

  While the subsections can vary, the three components that should be included are sections on the participants, the materials, and the procedures.

  • Describe who the participants were in the study and how they were selected.
  • Define and describe the materials that were used including any equipment, tests, or assessments
  • Describe how the data was collected

• 
  How do you write the methods section in APA?

  To write your methods section in APA format, describe your participants, materials, study design, and procedures. Keep this section succinct, and always write in the past tense.

  The main heading of this section should be labeled “Method,” and it should be centered, bolded, and capitalized. Each subheading within this section should be bolded, left-aligned, and in title case.

• 
  What does a method section include?

  The purpose of the methods section is to describe what you did in your experiment. It should be brief, but include enough detail that someone could replicate your experiment based on this information. Your methods section should detail what you did to answer your research question. Describe how the study was conducted, the study design that was used and why it was chosen, and how you collected the data and analyzed the results.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

1. Erdemir F. How to write a materials and methods section of a scientific article? Turk J Urol. 2013;39(Suppl 1):10-5. doi:10.5152/tud.2013.047

2. Willis LD. How to write the methods section of a research manuscript. Respir Care. 2023;68(12):1763-1770. doi:10.4187/respcare.11437

3. American Psychological Association. Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association (7th ed.). Washington DC: The American Psychological Association; 2019.

4. Eldawlatly AA, Meo SA. Writing the methods section. Saudi J Anaesth. 2019;13(Suppl 1):S20-S22. doi:10.4103/sja.SJA_805_18

Additional Reading

• American Psychological Association. APA Style Journal Article Reporting Standards. Published 2020.

• American Psychological Association. Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association (7th ed.). Washington DC: The American Psychological Association; 2019.

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”

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We’ve all been there—your best friend asks if you like their new haircut, and you’re not sure what to say. The truth (you don’t really like it) or do you just smile and nod? You’re left wondering: Is it ever OK to lie, especially if it’s just little white lie?

A white lie is a lie that is considered harmless or trivial. Such lies are often told to spare hurting someone’s feelings. The term dates back to the 14th century and is linked to historical color associations that suggest that white symbolizes “morally pure” and that black symbolizes “sinister intent.”

While most people agree that lies are damaging, destructive, and downright wrong, there are times when people tell what they think are harmless lies as a way to prevent further harm. If you’ve ever told a child that Santa Claus was on his way in his sleigh or that you loved the weird socks that your aunt sent as a gift, you lied. But you can let yourself off the hook.

These were more like white lies. With a real lie, the intent is malicious, and the consequence is serious. While with a white lie, which is often more like a harmless bending of the truth, the intent is benign and positive, and usually, the consequence isn’t major.

White Lies vs. Real Lies

The question of whether it is okay to lie often comes down to whether you are telling a white lie or a real lie. White lies are often innocuous. We tell them to create a magical world for our children, or, more often, as a way to be polite and demonstrate social manners. Some examples of white lies include:

• Telling someone they look great in an outfit
• Saying that you are on your way to meet someone so you can’t stay and chat
• Laughing at a joke that wasn’t really funny
• Telling someone that you’ll call them later
• Saying that you didn’t see a text that someone sent you

Overall, white lies are for beneficial purposes. Being totally honest in some cases would create unpleasantness or be offensive. Some view white lies as a sign of civility.

Real lies tend to be more self-serving. They may result in negative consequences for yourself and others.

How White Lies Can Be Good for Us

If you believe in white lies, then you probably feel that such fibs serve an important purpose such as protecting someone’s feelings. If we lie to benefit other people, these are considered white lies. Here’s a good illustration: A student had a hard time his first week at college and told his parents he was doing well so they wouldn’t worry.

In this situation, he was thinking about other people’s feelings and was guided by empathy and kindness. The second week he adjusted and was glad he didn’t upset his parents prematurely.

How Real Lies Can Be Bad for Us

With real lies, the intent is often selfish. These are the most damaging kinds of lies. To find evidence of them, look for falsehoods that promote a person’s self-interests, obviously at the expense of others.

To make it clearer, if your best girlfriend asks how she looks in her new dress and you think it’s too tight, but you say she looks great to boost her self-esteem, that’s a white lie. But complimenting her because you want to look better than her at the party, which is competitive and more indicative of selfish intent is a real lie.

Before You Decide If It’s Okay to Lie

Let’s look at what you might want to think about before you decide to tell a white lie or a real lie.

Evaluate the Intention

When someone lies out of altruism to protect others or ease their pain, these lies are considered acceptable white lies. White lies usually benefit the person listening.

For example, if your neighbor is dying of cancer, rather than frighten your young son with his impending death, it’s okay to say he’s not feeling well right now.

Consider the Long-Term Consequences

While white lies are often minor or inconsequential, real lies have far reaching effects. Real lies tend to initially benefit the liar, too.

For example, if Dan took the data his co-worker amassed and presented the project as his own, Dan blatantly lied and acted in a self-serving and clearly untruthful way. When his supervisor learned the truth, Dan was sent to human resources as a consequence.

Overall, it’s important to look at the morality and societal acceptance of the type of life. White lies are acceptable and help our society function. Real lies are deemed to be universally wrong.

Why Do People Lie?

There are many reasons why people lie. Some common motives for lying include:

To Be Considerate

Lying out of consideration can mean protecting someone else’s feelings, for the sake of diplomacy, or to keep stability in our relationships. These are the common white lies that help us maintain harmony with our spouses, family, friends, and neighbors.

For example, if your child just began studying violin and is making a horrible racket, you might tell him he sounds fantastic to encourage him.

To Protect Our Ego and Self-Image

Another reason why we don’t tell the truth is based on psychological compensation: to protect how we’re perceived by others. Rather than admit you lost your job, for example, you might tell your sibling that you quit because it was no longer challenging enough.

To Compensate for Our Sensitivity to Power

For example, rather than question your boss’s new plan which you find shaky, you feel compelled to support it. You respond by saying that you love the plan to protect your job.

The Danger of Telling Too Many Lies

A 2016 study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience showed that the brain adapts to dishonesty. The more participants engaged in self-serving dishonesty, the more likely that behavior would increase with repetition. Small acts escalated into bigger transgressions.

The second danger of telling too many lies might result in not getting the help you need. For example, saying “I’m fine,” which seems like an innocuous fib, masks the fact that you are still struggling on many fronts. This may preclude others from suggesting you get mental health counseling or you yourself from realizing that you could benefit from therapy.

Benefits of Honesty

You must always be honest with yourself about what you’re doing and why. Then you must try to be as honest as you can be with loved ones. We are all human, but that should be the goal.

So is it ever okay to lie to your significant other? There are times when you might tell a white lie to protect your partner, but as in other cases, telling the truth is generally the best policy. Telling lies, particularly those that involve serious deception, can erode the trust and intimacy in your relationship.

Intimacy demands vulnerability and honesty. You might also be depriving your family of the chance to show you that they see you for all your foibles and accept and love you as you are.

Less Lying Has Been Linked to Better Health

Evidence shows that Americans average about 11 lies per week. Another reason to strive to tell the truth and reduce lies? Anita E. Kelly, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Notre Dame discovered during her research that participants who reduced lies and tried to live more honestly actually reported improved relationships and better mental and physical health.

When It’s Necessary to Lie

So what is a good reason to lie? Sometimes the stakes are high and lies are necessary to safeguard someone’s well-being. In these types of situations, lying for the sake of protecting yourself or loved ones is deemed acceptable:

1. Lying to an abuser to escape from or protect someone from domestic abuse.
2. Lying to an abuser to protect children from child abuse.
3. Lying to someone who is playing with weapons.
4. Lying to someone who seems intoxicated or on drugs.
5. Lying to someone who seems to be experiencing a mental health issue.

Lying to Our Loved Ones

What if our relatives are grappling with mental health problems or impairment? And it’s not an emergency situation, but it’s clear there is an ongoing problem. Sometimes lies are necessary to help them.

Meredith Gordon Resnick, LCSW, says, “Studies show that for people with severe dementia, sometimes telling an untruth, and doing it carefully and mindfully so as not to undermine trust, may be appropriate.”

Takeaways

So while honesty is usually the best policy, there are exceptions. Just about all religions and belief systems, however, extol the virtue of honesty. So while it’s okay to lie, in most cases, it’s better to strive not to.

Can’t remember the name of the person you just met—again? Forgot where you parked—again? Episodes of forgetfulness like these can be nerve-wracking. Some people find them a little scary.

When this sort of thing happens frequently, people may even fear that they have a brain-related problem or are developing some form of dementia, such as Alzheimer’s disease.

A memory loss test can be a way to assess your memory and watch for signs of potential problems

Symptoms of Short-Term Memory Loss

When you forget something you just thought about, it means you have a lapse in short-term memory. As the name suggests, short-term memory is brief in duration—this type of information stays in your mind for up to a minute. By contrast, long-term memory is where you keep the information you “know by heart.”

Short-term memory loss involves forgetting information that you recently thought about or learned. Some common symptoms include:

• Asking the same questions multiple times
• Forgetting something you just saw or read
• Forgetting recent events
• Forgetting where you’ve put something
• Forgetting where you put something
• Having problems remembering the names of people you just met
• Walking into a room and forgetting why you are there

Why Short-Term Memory Matters

Short-term memory is essential to daily living. It’s what allows you to find your car keys, remember if you left the water running in the tub, and even whether you’ve eaten breakfast or brushed your teeth.

Because short-term memory is limited in terms of its capacity and duration, problems can happen. This helps explain why it is also subject to all sorts of glitches.

Experts suggest that there are multiple reasons you may forget a piece of information practically the minute you receive it. For instance, it may simply be too much information to retain that quickly.

Factors That Affect Short-Term Memory

Factors that can interfere with short-term memory and contribute to memory loss include:

• Pain
• Stress
• Lack of sleep
• Alcohol and substance use
• Depression
• Medication side effects
• Hypothyroidism
• Nutritional deficiencies
• Age

Interruptions and distractions can also be major memory-stealers: If the bell rings while you’re in the middle of a conversation with a neighbor, chances are your friend will need to repeat the last thing they said to you before you answered the door.

Taking a Memory Loss Test

There’s a bit of truth in the phrase “senior moment.” After the age of 50, most people do find it a little harder to remember new information, but this doesn’t mean they’re on the road to developing dementia or Alzheimer’s disease.

One way to get a sense of how “normal” your own memory lapses are is to take a legitimate short-term memory test. There are several options available:

Free Memory Quizzes

For a quick, free, at-home option, consider trying the Memory Quiz offered by the Alzheimer’s Research & Prevention Foundation. It’s a simple true-false questionnaire that asks things like:

• “Sometimes I get lost, even when I’m driving somewhere that I’ve been before.”
• “I often misplace my keys, and when I find them, I often can’t remember putting them there.”

A score of nine or higher indicates a problem that should be addressed with lifestyle changes, while a score over 12 suggests that you should see a doctor.

Another quiz you might try is the Mini-Mental Status Examination (MMSE) Online Test. The MMSE is a quick test designed to measure cognitive function in the early stages of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

There is a free version available that may be helpful for assessing your memory as well as attention, language, and motor skills. To take the test, you’ll need a pen and paper to write down your answers and a friend who can administer and score the test.

SAGE Memory Test

Another option is the Self-Administered Gerocognitive Exam (SAGE), an at-home memory test designed by researchers from Ohio State University’s Wexner Medical Center. It is designed to measure thinking and memory problems that can be early indicators of Alzheimer’s disease. 

To take the test, you’ll need to download the test to answer the questions with a pen and paper. It should take approximately 15 minutes to complete.

Once completed, the test will need to be scored by your healthcare provider.

The maximum score possible is 22, and a score under 17 suggests that there are thinking problems present that should be further evaluated. A score under 15 or 16 suggests that the individual has mild cognitive impairment, and a score below 14 indicates the presence of dementia.

Diagnosing Short-Term Memory Loss

If your results have indicated a cause for concern, it is important to talk to your healthcare provider. They will ask questions about your symptoms, perform a physical exam, and order lab tests to look for possible medical issues that might be contributing to your memory problems.

If needed, your provider may also order brain scans and cognitive tests. They may then make recommendations for treatments or ways to address memory problems, or they may refer you to a specialist.

How to Combat Memory Loss

At the same time, if your score doesn’t indicate a problem, keep in mind that even at an advanced age, the human brain can develop new neurons as long as it gets some “exercise.”

Keep Your Brain Active

So use your head as much as possible. The following strategies may help combat memory loss:

• Read
• Study a new language
• Learn how to juggle or knit
• Spend a lot of time socializing

Lifestyle Modifications

Certain lifestyle changes may help improve short-term memory. Getting regular exercise and staying physically active throughout life can also play an important role in combatting memory loss. Research has even shown that exercise can improve memory performance in older adults.

Getting enough sleep and following a Mediterranean diet can help. Cognitive training and other mental activities that challenge the brain may also lead to improvements.

The National Insitute on Aging also recommends managing your blood pressure, controlling type 2 diabetes, maintaining a healthy weight, and avoiding smoking to maintain cognitive health.

Marriage is hard, and arguments are inevitable. When there is tension in your marriage, unspoken or unresolved hurts may build up and minor disagreements can easily escalate into full-blown fights. Everyone has their triggers, and our partners often have the ability to set us off in a way no other person can. But in healthy marriages, there is an understanding that you are in this together.

Still, when you are deeply hurt or angry, it can be tempting to consider cutting ties (or at least threaten it). The heat of the moment can bring out potent words—like “divorce”—we don’t really mean. But bringing up divorce to make your point, be heard, or try to get your partner to understand how upset you are is rarely a good idea.

Those threats can open doors you didn’t intend to open—and aren’t always easy to shut.

Thoughts vs. Threats

Occasionally thinking about what your life might be like without your partner is pretty normal and possibly benign, but threatening divorce is not. According to research, thoughts of divorce are quite common over the course of a marriage. One report found that half of all married couples between the ages of 25 and 50 reported having thoughts of divorce—voiced or unvoiced—either currently or in the past.

While such thoughts appear to be common, they aren’t necessarily damning or permanent, as many people choose to stay married. Many couples ebb and flow throughout their relationships but manage to weather their storms and stay together. Some may think about divorce but stay blissfully happy, while others hang on by a thread. In other cases, the marriage is beyond repair, and divorce is inevitable.

Why the D-Word Is Dangerous

It’s also important to remember that thinking about divorce and saying it are two very different things. Marriage is based on the presumption that you are both committed to the relationship, for better or for worse. When you threaten divorce, you upend the security of this agreement. Sometimes, if it is what you truly feel, it may be warranted to bring this up. But be careful if it’s not your true intention.

“During an argument, emotions are running wild, and lots of things are said that are ‘in the heat of the moment,’ but the threat of divorce should never be said,” advises psychologist and author Dr. Karen Sherman.

“Clearly, the idea of divorce is the ultimate abandonment and goes to the core of people’s attachment issues. So, even though it is only at the moment and not really meant, the threat has been put out there and is frightening,” explains Dr. Sherman.

Why People Threaten Divorce

There are a wide variety of reasons why people contemplate or threaten divorce. Sometimes, it happens due to repeated stress that gradually reaches a breaking point, or it might revolve around a sudden or looming conflict. Other people just tend toward passionate, stream-of-consciousness or no-holds-barred conversations. Others may enjoy the extreme emotional rollercoaster of high-stakes arguing.

Regardless of your relationship’s conversation style, there are many common threads that tend to tug couples toward the D-word. General reasons people threaten divorce include:

• Communication problems
• Feeling unheard or not listening to each other
• Financial problems
• Frequent arguments
• Infidelity
• Infrequent sex
• Not feeling supported, emotionally or practically (such as with housework)
• Not putting enough attention into your relationship
• Parenting conflicts
• Religious differences
• Substance use issues
• Unresolved issues

Possible Benefits

“Thoughts about a divorce can be a healthy wake-up call to work on a marriage,” explains Dr. Alan Hawkins, a professor of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Such thoughts might give you the incentive you need to address any problems in your relationship and work toward a solution. However, bringing divorce into the fold ups the stakes and can erode trust.

If you have recurring thoughts (or make threats) about divorce, be sure to address this with your partner and/or a couples counselor. The thought is in your mind for a reason, figuring out why and working through the various issues behind it is the best way to protect and strengthen your marriage. Brushing off these thoughts or threats is unlikely to make them go away or solve any underlying issues.

Impact on Your Marriage

Making the threat of divorce out loud is something that can’t be easily undone, and its impact is far more negative than just having the passing thought of separation. So why is making a divorce threat so damaging to a relationship? Some of the effects can include:

• Creating insecurity in a relationship. Threatening to leave if your partner does not do what you want makes your relationship less secure. It changes the dynamic of your arguments and assumptions, opening the door to a future apart. Your partner may start thinking about divorce as well.
• Making communication more difficult. Once you or your spouse has made that ultimate threat, it makes it that much harder to address the underlying issue. Your partner may become less likely to talk about problems or more likely to try to hide things from you in the future. It creates a fear of abandonment and honest communication that can be hard to shake.
• Making the conflict worse. Instead of directly addressing the problem and working to resolve or move past it, divorce threats tend to simply draw out the conflict. Compounding frustration and hurt with distrust and lack of security will only amplify the problem.

Paul DePompo, PsyD, board-certified cognitive behavioral therapist and author, explains, “A spouse should never use the D-word during an argument unless this is a serious consideration and is not being said in anger. The reason why it is harmful is that it opens up the door for divorce to be on the table.” 

He goes on to say, “This is traumatic in a sense because it brings the relationship from one that promises ”till death,’ to now to saying, ‘well maybe not-so-much’.” Dr. DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a “protective mode” rather than a “problem-solving mode.”

Relationship coach Chris Armstrong also advises against using the D-word during an argument. He explains that, first and foremost, the message gets lost. “When a spouse utters the dreaded D-word, whatever was said before or after can very often fade into the background.”

Armstrong contends that the spouse hearing this can get overwhelmed and “whatever outcome that was desired by the spouse who uttered it will likely not be achieved.” He also warns that if you get the spouse angry enough, they might even “call your bluff.”

Alternatives

Denise Limongello, LMSW, a Manhattan licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, concurs. She says, “The threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear.” Limongello and other experts have some tips for what couples should do instead of bringing up divorce. Their suggestions include the following:

Make a Contract

One possible technique is to make a pact with your spouse. “Creating a ground rule with your spouse that bans the D-word from your vocabulary can be a great way to contract safety with your partner,” says Limongello. She also advises, “Making ground rules of any kind that you can both stick to can be useful in building trust within your relationship.”

She also suggests, “Don’t ever threaten, as research shows that this leads to heightened levels of depression and anxiety, and can even affect blood pressure levels.” Limongello believes that making threats is not a healthy behavior in a loving relationship, and there are more constructive ways to get your needs met. 

Try Alternative Language

Divorce threats often stem from an inability to directly communicate the underlying problem. People might feel like they are not able to say that they are angry, hurt, or afraid. This leads them to leap directly to the ultimate weapon—the threat to end the relationship altogether.

When faced with difficult emotions or situations, people with this style of attachment may respond with fear or anger. However, it is important to know that one can learn to overcome this tendency to threaten and deal with the emotions behind it instead. Dr. Sherman suggests using alternative language to the D-word that can help to deescalate the situation.

What to Say Instead

In the heat of the moment, Dr. Sherman believes it is more productive to express your feelings in a different way, such as, “I’m so angry (or hurt) that a part of me feels like, even though I’d never do it, I don’t want to be with you anymore.” She says that this will let your spouse know that the feeling is transitory.

DePompo recommends that couples should be vulnerable instead of defensive by targeting “the real hurt or fear that they are feeling which is hiding under their anger.”

Some things you can say instead:

• “I am hurt because I feel like you are not really listening to what I am saying, and this keeps happening, and I am starting to feel alone.”
• “I am afraid that if we cannot problem-solve this, we are not going to be able to have the relationship that we both desire.”

Use the WAIT Principle

Armstrong recommends a coaching strategy called the “WAIT Principle” that helps the partner who stay on track with what they’re really trying to communicate. The goal is to ask themselves the following questions before threatening divorce:

• Have I looked at how it will land on my spouse?
• What is the desired outcome of putting the D-word on the table?
• Will it help me get to my desired outcome?
• Why am I thinking about divorce?
• What is really making me unhappy or upset?
• What do I need from my partner and our relationship that I’m not getting?

“Whenever you use the D-word in an argument, you are removing basic human needs. You are telling your spouse the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure,” says Armstrong. 

Dr. Heather Ehinger, a marriage and family therapist specializing in high-conflict relationships, believes that when couples threaten divorce, they are trying to get their needs met. While it’s productive to express your unhappiness, doing it by threatening divorce is ineffective. 

She advises couples to “take responsibility for yourself and examine what it is that you need that you are not getting.” Dr. Ehinger also says that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making it as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored.”

Consider Counseling

If you or your spouse have threatened divorce or are regularly having thoughts of divorce, it is time to take serious steps to figure out how to address the problem. Remember that not saying divorce out loud and just keeping your feelings inside won’t make them go away—and can cause harm to your marriage. Instead, try the strategies above. In addition, talking to a therapist may be a helpful step.

Marriage counseling can help couples who are coping with defensiveness, anger, infidelity, substance use, and other factors that can place a strain on your relationship. By seeking professional help, couples can improve communication and address the issues that are causing problems in their marriage.