Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

A sexless marriage is one in which there is little to no sexual activity between partners. It is normal for physical intimacy to wane after the first few years of a relationship, often due to things like stress, having kids, health issues, relationship problems, medication side effects, and mismatched libidos. Addressing the problem starts with understanding the causes, improving communication, and seeking professional help.

Common Reasons for a Sexless Marriage

There are many possible reasons why a marriage may become sexless, including everything from health issues to lifestyle factors. Here’s an overview of some common reasons for a sexless marriage.

Health Issues

A person’s physical and mental health can have a major impact on their libido and desire for physical intimacy. Health concerns and disability can also disrupt the physiological process of arousal in both sexes.

Experiencing some level of sexual dysfunction is common, affecting roughly 40% of women and 36,5% of men. But if these issues last for more than a few months or are causing problems for you or your partner, it’s a good idea to speak with a healthcare provider.

Mismatched Libidos

Not everyone desires the same amount of sex, and sex drive has a natural ebb and flow. When the partners’ desire for sex does not coincide, it’s easy for them to find themselves waiting to engage sexually until both partners are in the mood, which can be infrequent.

This is a common issue for couples, according to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA). While it isn’t always a problem, mismatched sex drives can lead to feelings of rejection for the partner with a high libido and feelings of guilt or annoyance for the partner with a low libido.

Childbirth

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) reports that there isn’t a defined time for when someone can have sex again after childbirth, but many healthcare providers recommend waiting for at least six weeks. Some may prefer to wait longer.

Spending post-childbirth time without sex typically wouldn’t be considered a true “sexless marriage.” Yet, whether someone who has just given birth is mentally and emotionally ready for sex depends on the individual.

The added stress of caring for an infant, body image issues, tiredness, and a fear of getting pregnant again can also affect libido after having a child.

Stress

Excessive stress can wreak havoc on your sex drive. The stress hormone cortisol plays a role in this process. When cortisol levels increase, sex hormones decrease, ultimately reducing your desire for sex.

In addition to the physical reasons why stress lowers sex drive, the psychological effects of stress can leave you feeling so tired, frazzled, and anxious that you simply don’t have the desire or energy for sex. This can contribute to a sexless marriage.

Communication Issues

When you are in conflict with your partner, it can be difficult to maintain physical intimacy. You might not even feel like talking to them, let alone have a desire to engage in sexual activity.

Poor communication about sex, in general, can also lower sexual desire and arousal in individuals while impacting the body physiologically in terms of lubrication, orgasm, and erectile function. Additionally, these effects overall tend to be stronger for married individuals than those in dating relationships.

Erectile Dysfunction

Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection can make it difficult to have sex for a number of reasons. While erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common problem, it can also affect a person’s anxiety levels, confidence, and self-esteem.

People who have ED symptoms should always talk to a physician to rule out an underlying health condition. Health issues that can lead to ED include type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic kidney disease, and heart disease.

Low Sex Drive

Sometimes called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), low sex drive is an issue that both men and women may experience. The American Sexual Health Association shares that HSDD involves an absence of sexual desire, thoughts, or fantasies, leading to personal distress.

A variety of factors can contribute to HSSD development. Among them are depression, physical or sexual trauma, substance abuse or dependence, certain medications, or having a medical condition that causes low sexual desire, such as diabetes, hypertension, or metabolic syndrome.

Medication Side Effects

Many medications have sexual side effects. Some of the drugs that can cause sexual dysfunction include:

• Antidepressants
• Antihistamines
• Chemotherapy medicines
• High blood pressure medications (including diuretics)
• Hormonal medications
• Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs)
• Opiates
• Parkinson’s disease medicines

Mental Health Issues

Symptoms of depression include lack of energy, loss of interest and pleasure, social withdrawal, and depressed mood. All these factors can have an effect on a person’s desire for sex and physical intimacy.

Bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and psychosis are additional mental health issues that can impair sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction. Thus, treating these issues is important to effectively deal with a sexless marriage.

History of Abuse

Past sexual abuse can have long-lasting effects that influence both current and future relationships. Emotional reactions such as fear and shame, post-traumatic stress, and distortions in self-perception can seriously impact a person’s sex life.

Life Issues

A number of different life factors and/or circumstances can also play a role in how frequently people engage in sex with their partner, including:

Effects of a Sexless Marriage

• Decreased relationship satisfaction: While every couple has different needs and expectations, a lack of sex can be associated with reduced relationship satisfaction. One study found that sexual satisfaction is one of the main predictors of relationship satisfaction.
• Reduced self-esteem: A lack of physical intimacy in a relationship can cause people to feel rejected and insecure, which can negatively impact self-esteem.
• Poor communication: Fewer affectionate interactions with your partner may reduce feelings of emotional closeness, which can damage communication. It can also create avoidance, where both partners fear directly addressing the problem.
• Feelings of resentment: Partners may feel undesired, unappreciated, and unloved. This can lead to feelings of resentment and hurt the relationship.

How to Address a Sexless Marriage

Here are some ways you can address the lack of sex in your marriage if it’s a problem for you and your partner.

Communicate

Talk with your partner about the issue of low or no sex in your marriage. It may be difficult, but this communication is necessary. Even otherwise strong relationships can have problems with sex and intimacy. It isn’t necessarily a sign that your marriage is weak or in trouble.

During this talk, Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness, recommends using first-person language while avoiding blaming or accusatory language. One way to do this is by saying, “I have been feeling disconnected lately since we haven’t been as sexually active, and I’d like to explore some ways to enhance our sexual connection. Would you be open to talking more about this?”

As you talk, aim to determine ways you both think can rekindle your sex life. Making a change will only work if both of you agree to change and work together.

Build Intimacy

If you have decided that you want to have more sex, consider putting sex on your schedule. It may sound unromantic, but it can also be exciting and special if done the right way. Scheduling gives you something to look forward to and shows a commitment to one another and your physical relationship.

Beyond sex, it’s also important to explore other ways to build closeness that is often lost in low-sex or no-sex relationships. Physical intimacy doesn’t only involve sex. Make an effort to renew your love and create that special spark.

Spending more time together, whether you’re curled up on the couch watching television or taking turns giving each other a massage, builds foundational intimacy. Here are other intimacy-building activities you might consider:

• Try a new activity together.
• Do something physical together, such as going on a walk.
• Schedule a vacation or getaway.
• Plan a staycation at home.
• Go on a scheduled date night.

Get Help

Depending on the underlying causes, seeking outside help may also be a good option. You might try a marriage retreat, workshop, or seminar to help with communication and connection. 

Consult a healthcare provider to address any underlying medical conditions that may be impacting your sex life. Seek support from a mental health professional together or separately to foster communication skills or learn stress management techniques.

If therapy feels like the right direction for you, consider seeing a counselor who focuses on sexual issues in marriage, like a certified sex therapist. Your therapist can work with you to address any issues that are standing in the way of intimacy. Take these opportunities to focus on building a stronger, deeper marriage.

How Often Should Couples Have Sex?

If you have a low- or no-sex marriage, it’s important to decide if that’s a problem in your relationship. Whether you consider a low-sex or no-sex marriage an issue is entirely up to you and your partner.

There is no right amount of sex in a marriage. What’s more important, in many cases, is whether you still have physical and emotional intimacy with your partner and whether you and your partner are satisfied in your marriage.

Avoid comparing your marriage to others because every relationship is unique. While you might come across marital sex statistics that make you feel like you and your partner are not having enough sexual intimacy, going without sex is more common than you might think.

Will a Sexless Marriage Lead to Divorce?

According to a 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, having more sex indicates greater well-being for people in relationships, but only up to once a week.

Being dissatisfied with your sex life can breed trouble in a relationship. The lack of sex itself isn’t necessarily an issue, but rather any dissatisfaction associated with the lack of sex is.

If you’re unsatisfied with the amount of sex you and your partner are having, you may be wondering whether your relationship can be sustained. Making the decision to end your marriage can be very complex. Many factors can contribute to feeling sexually satisfied in a partnership, and they can differ from person to person.

Next Steps If You Are in a Sexless Marriage

Michele Weiner Davis, author of the book “Sex Starved Marriage,” explains why a low-sex marriage can become a major problem. “[It’s] really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated, and feeling connected,” she says.

Davis goes on to say that because of the hurt that can develop from not having needs met, the bond between a couple can dissipate to the point of putting the marriage at risk.

If your partner doesn’t agree that there is a problem in your marriage and doesn’t want to change, you will have to decide if a low- or no-sex marriage is a dealbreaker for you.

Whether being in a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker depends on the couple. But if you find yourself dissatisfied with the amount of sex you and your partner are having, the first step is to communicate this, then explore ways to find the intimacy that each of you needs to feel fulfilled.

There are many reasons that a relationship can become sexless, and many are treatable. Experiencing sexual issues in a relationship can be very difficult, but you don’t have to manage it alone.

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic that involves bringing a third party into a conflict to create division or gain control. Instead of addressing the problem directly, a person uses triangulation to stir things up behind people’s backs, often pitting people against one another. It’s a classic “divide and conquer” move that often shows up in toxic relationships, family dynamics, and workplace conflict.

How Triangulation Actually Works

Triangulation may be the most well-known toxic behavior. Triangulation is an approach used by many different people who share one thing in common: insecurity. As a result, they’re willing to manipulate others in harmful ways to get what they want or to feel a sense of security in a relationship. 

Typically, there’s limited to no communication between the two triangulated people except through the person manipulating them. It may appear in various ways, but all are about dividing, conquering, or putting people against each other. 

This might involve:

• Involving a third person, pulling them into the situation, and trying to force them to choose a side
• Pitting people against each other by selectively sharing information to create competition or tension
• Using indirect communication, sending messages through others instead of directly and openly talking about the problem
• Creating loyalty tests to force others to prove their support
• Blaming others to avoid taking responsibility
• Withholding information to maintain control and ensure that they are able to play the victim
• Creating conflict behind the scenes and then pretending to be innocent when tensions escalate or the argument comes to a head

What It Looks Like

• Family dynamics: If a parent refuses to acknowledge their children’s personality and individualism, and at the same time, siblings are treated very differently and discouraged from communicating with one another except through the parent, it’s triangulation. It can also involve drawing a child into a conflict between two parents.
• Relationships: Similarly, if a partner or friend uses another person to create a hostile environment, create drama, or pressure you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise do, this is triangulation. Individuals also use triangulation to bring another person into a relationship or friendship without directly confronting the person they have an issue with. 
• Personality disorders: Some people with Cluster B personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder, tend to view or judge themselves in relation to their level of competition with others.

Why Triangulation Is Common in NPD and BPD

Triangulation is a common feature in personality disorders, particularly narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD):

• How people with NPD use triangulation: Some people with narcissistic personality disorder may use triangulation to increase their feelings of supremacy, secure their self-esteem, and devalue other people while keeping potential competitors off-balance. They aren’t that different from the kids who use it to help navigate middle and high school status wars. 
• How people with BPD use triangulation: People with borderline personality disorder focus on receiving reassurance that they are loved to avoid feelings of abandonment. They may use triangulation to make someone jealous to prove their love and commitment to them. 

How Triangulation Affects Relationships

Triangulation can come in various dynamics. First, let’s take a look at how triangulation shows up in family dynamics and romantic relationships.

The Golden Child-Scapegoat Family Dynamic

Within a dysfunctional family unit, the unhealthy, toxic, and often selfish caregiver splits their moral self-image and inferior self-image into two distinct parts projected onto their kids. As a result, one child becomes the golden child who can do no wrong, while the other becomes the scapegoat. 

The golden child is idealized and can do no wrong. The scapegoat, however, is devalued and can only do wrong. These projections may differ over time and change depending on how the caregiver feels about the child at the time. 

Triangulation in Romantic Partnerships

In a romantic relationship, the manipulator will often bring another person into their intimate relationship to create friction, confusion, and jealousy. However, the individual usually enjoys the attention, whether negative or positive, and may even let the triangulated individuals know about one another so that they can fight for attention. 

Worse still, a narcissistically inclined person may triangulate someone they are no longer in contact with to control those they are in touch with. 

In the family variant of triangulation, splitting and projection also occur. The new partner or friend is idealized as perfect, whereas the previous person in that position is seen as entirely flawed. The person who is idealized or devalued is entirely subjective and depends on the manipulator.

Why Triangulation Is So Harmful 

When someone experiences triangulation:

• They may fear other people’s thoughts and feel humiliated, concerned, and self-protective. 
• They might feel the need to set the record straight.
• They may want to confront the other people involved.

However, by doing so, you allow the perpetrator to win. Sometimes, they’re hoping for this kind of reaction, hoping that you’ll lose control and act out in impulse and fear. 

This type of partnership can temporarily alleviate the stress of the situation. However, it can also be risky because it results in dysfunctional patterns and cycles within the relationship, especially if reinforced over multiple occasions. Over time, it creates a messy situation that will often lead to even more hurt feelings or misunderstandings. 

Healthy Ways to Cope

When dealing with triangulation, it’s essential to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the provoking or baiting person. Remember, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. 

Here are a few things you shouldn’t do: 

• Respond quickly to surprising news.
• Lose your temper or lose control of your feelings. While you can’t control other people, you always have control over your own words and responses, and that is where you’ll always have power.
• Make promises, commitments, or contracts that’ll only hurt your relationship with people whom you trust and love. No one who truly loves you will want to take healthy, supportive, positive relationships away from you. 

Here are a few things you should do: 

• Take a step back and consider the facts.
• Clarify anything you are told before acting on it.
• Stay in touch with loved and trusted ones in your life, and tell them about any problems or issues that arise.
• Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work, and leisure time.
• Remove yourself from a conversation if you sense it turning into an unhealthy or dysfunctional one.
• Maintain your self-control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you will not be manipulated like that. 

Healthy communication requires openness and authenticity, and working to resolve conflicts rather than creating them. The most potent way of dealing with these situations is to take a step back, accurately evaluate what is happening, and act accordingly. 

If you feel that you or a loved one could benefit from additional support, reach out to a qualified mental health professional. They can help you navigate your relationships involving triangulation.