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The famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud believed that people were ruled by two primary forces: the life instinct (Eros) and the death instinct (Thanatos). These two competing forces work together, and often in competition, to guide and direct human behavior.

Freud’s concept of Thanatos is rooted in the law of entropy, or the idea that all systems eventually reach their lowest point. This can be contrasted with Eros, which is focused on the propagation of life. According to Freud, both instincts are in a constant and dynamic state of tension.

Keep reading to learn more about Freud’s ideas and why Thanatos and Eros remain the source of debate today.

An Overview of Thanatos and Eros

Freud’s theory of Eros and Thanatos, also known as the theory of life and death drives, evolved throughout his life and career. Initially, he described a class of drives known as life instincts that he believed were responsible for much of our behavior. Eventually, however, Freud came to believe that life instincts alone could not explain all human behavior.

With the publication of his book “Beyond the Pleasure Principle” in 1920, Freud concluded that all instincts fall into one of two major classes: life drives and death drives—later dubbed Eros and Thanatos by other psychologists.

Freud’s Eros: The Life Drive

Sometimes referred to as sexual instincts, the life drive deals with basic survival, pleasure, and reproduction. While we tend to think of life instincts in terms of sexual procreation, these drives also include instincts such as thirst, hunger, and pain avoidance. The energy created by the life drive is known as libido.

In early psychoanalytic theory, Freud proposed that the life drive was opposed by the forces of the ego, the organized, logic-driven part of a person’s psyche that mediates desires. Later, he maintained that the life drive, or Eros, was opposed by a self-destructive death instinct, later known as Thanatos.

Behaviors commonly associated with life instincts include love, cooperation, and other ​prosocial actions.​ These behaviors support both individual well-being and the harmonious existence of a cooperative and healthy society.

Freud’s Thanatos: The Death Drive

Freud first introduced the concept of Thanatos, the death instinct, in his essay “Beyond the Pleasure Principle.” He theorized that humans are driven toward death and destruction, famously declaring that “the aim of all life is death.”

Freud based this theory on clinical observations, noting that people who experience a traumatic event often recreate or revisit it. For example, he noted that soldiers returning from World War I tended to revisit their traumatic experiences in dreams that repeatedly took them back to combat.

From these observations, he concluded that people hold an unconscious desire to die but that life instincts largely temper this wish. In Freud’s view, the compulsion to repeat was “something that would seem more primitive, more elementary, more instinctual than the pleasure principle which it overrides.” Thus, Thanatos stands in stark contrast to the drive to survive, procreate, and satisfy desires.

Thanatos has appeared in recent works, such as Walker Percy’s 1987 book, “The Thanatos Syndrome,” about a psychiatrist who returns to his hometown after being released from prison, only to discover that the townspeople were unknowingly part of an experiment that changed their behaviors by changing their human nature.

Current Opinions on Eros and Thanatos

As with much of Freud’s work, controversy surrounds the concepts of life and death drives. One could argue that there are as many arguments for and against them as there are psychologists.

Some see the death drive as incompatible with the sanctity of life and an explanation for (or even encouragement of) suicide. Some, like Todd Dufresne, professor of Philosophy at Lakehead University, even outright reject its existence. Psychoanalyst and psychotherapist Ben Kafka, associate professor at New York University, believes the concept to be flawed and not particularly relevant to contemporary life.

Likewise, the life drive is often oversimplified to mean libido, or the energy that drives sex and creativity.

Many in the field argue that Freud’s thinking is a product of his times and doesn’t make sense in the modern world. Most agree on one fact, however: “Drives” are abstract, and science can’t verify or disprove their existence by any reliable, quantifiable measure.

If you or a loved one is dealing with loss, it can be helpful to learn more about the grieving process. Here we share the 5 Stages of Grief, along with a few ways to help someone who is grieving after a death or breakup.

It’s important to remember that the grieving process can be complex, and it isn’t the same for everyone. These steps may not be followed exactly, or other feelings may surface after you thought you were through the stages of grieving. Allowing room to experience grief in your own way can help you heal after loss.

What Are the 5 Stages of Grief?

The 5 Stages of Grief is a theory developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. It suggests that we go through five distinct stages after the loss of a loved one. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Denial

In the first stage of the grieving process, denial helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. It can be hard to believe we have lost an important person in our lives, especially when we may have just spoken with them the previous week or even the previous day.

During this stage in grieving, our reality has shifted completely. It can take our minds time to adjust to our new reality. We reflect on the experiences we’ve shared with the person we lost, and we might find ourselves wondering how to move forward in life without this person.

This is a lot of information to explore and a lot of painful imagery to process. Denial attempts to slow this process down and take us through it one step at a time, rather than risk the potential of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions.

Anger

The second stage in grieving is anger. We are trying to adjust to a new reality and are likely experiencing extreme emotional discomfort. There is so much to process that anger may feel like it allows us an emotional outlet.

Keep in mind that anger does not require us to be very vulnerable. However, it may feel more socially acceptable than admitting we are scared. Anger allows us to express emotion with less fear of judgment or rejection.

Anger also tends to be the first thing we feel when starting to release emotions related to loss. This can leave us feeling isolated in our experience. It can also cause us to be perceived as unapproachable by others in moments when we could benefit from comfort, connection, and reassurance.

Bargaining

When coping with loss, it isn’t unusual to feel so desperate that you are willing to do anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. During this stage in grieving, you may try to bargain to change the situation, agreeing to do something in return for being relieved of the pain you feel.

When bargaining starts to take place, we often direct our requests to a higher power, or something bigger than us that may be able to influence a different outcome. Bargaining during the grieving process can come in the form of a variety of promises, including:

• “God, if you can heal this person, I will turn my life around.”
• “I promise to be better if you will let this person live.”
• “I’ll never get angry again if you can stop him/her from dying or leaving me.”

Bargaining comes from a feeling of helplessness and gives us a perceived sense of control over something that feels so out of control. During bargaining, we tend to focus on our personal faults or regrets. We might look back at our interactions with the person we are losing and note all the times we felt disconnected or may have caused them pain.

It is common to recall times when we may have said things we did not mean and wish we could go back and behave differently. We also sometimes make the drastic assumption that if things had played out differently, we would not be in such an emotionally painful place in our lives.

Depression

During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly start to look at the reality of our present situation. Bargaining no longer feels like an option and we are faced with what is happening.

In this stage of grieving, we start to feel the loss of our loved one more abundantly. Our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to clear, and the loss feels more present and unavoidable.

In those moments, we tend to pull inward as the sadness grows. We might find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out less to others about what we are going through. Although this is a very natural stage in the grieving process, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be extremely isolating and one of the most difficult stages.

Acceptance

The last of the 5 Stages of Grief is acceptance. When we come to a place of acceptance, it is not that we no longer feel the pain of loss. Instead, we are no longer resisting the reality of our situation, and we are not struggling to make it something different.

Sadness and regret can still be present in this phase. But the emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining, and anger are less likely to be present during this phase of the grieving process.

How Long Do Grief Stages Last?

There is no specific time period for any of these stages. One person may experience the stages quickly, such as in a matter of weeks, whereas another person may take months or even years to move through the stages of grieving. Whatever time it takes for you to move through these stages is perfectly normal.

As we consider the 5 Stages of Grief, it is important to note that people grieve differently. So, you may or may not go through each of these stages or experience them in order. The lines of the grieving process stages are often blurred. We may also move from one stage to another and possibly back again before fully moving into a new stage.

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Additional Grieving Process Models

Although the 5 Stages of Grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is considered one of the most easily recognizable models of grief and bereavement, there are other models to be considered as well. Each one seeks to explain how grief may be perceived and processed.

These models can provide greater understanding to people who are hurting over the loss of a loved one. They can also be used by those in healing professions, helping them to provide effective care for grieving people who are seeking informed guidance.

Four Phases of Grief

Legendary psychologist John Bowlby focused his work on researching the emotional attachment between parent and child. From his perspective, early experiences of attachment with important people in our lives, such as caregivers, help to shape our sense of safety, security, and connections.

British psychiatrist Colin Murray Parkes developed a model of grief based on Bowlby’s theory of attachment, suggesting there are four phases of mourning when experiencing the loss of a loved one:

• Shock and numbness: Loss in this phase feels impossible to accept. Most closely related to Kübler-Ross’s stage of denial, we are overwhelmed when trying to cope with our emotions. Parkes suggests that there is physical distress experienced in this phase as well, which can lead to somatic or physical symptoms.
• Yearning and searching: As we process loss in this phase of grief, we may begin to look for comfort to fill the void our loved one has left. We might do this by reliving memories through pictures and looking for signs from the person to feel connected to them. In this phase, we become very preoccupied with the person we have lost.
• Despair and disorganization: We may find ourselves questioning and feeling angry in this phase. The realization that our loved one is not returning feels real, and we can have a difficult time understanding or finding hope in our future. We may feel a bit aimless during this portion of the grieving process and retreat from others as we process our pain.
• Reorganization and recovery: In this phase, we feel more hopeful that our hearts and minds can be restored. As with Kübler-Ross’s acceptance stage, sadness or longing for our loved one doesn’t disappear. However, we move toward healing and reconnecting with others for support, finding small ways to reestablish some normalcy in our daily lives.

7-Stage Model of Grief

Some suggest that there are seven stages in grieving instead of only four or five. This more complex model of the grieving process involves experiencing:

• Shock and denial. Whether a loss occurs suddenly or with some advanced notice, it’s possible to experience shock. You feel emotionally numb and may deny the loss.
• Pain and guilt. During this stage in grieving, the pain of the loss starts to set in. You may also feel guilty for needing more from family and friends during this emotional time.
• Anger and bargaining. You may lash out at people you love or become angry with yourself. Or you might try to “strike a bargain” with a higher power, asking that the loss be taken away in exchange for something on your part.
• Depression and loneliness. As you reflect on your loss, you may start to feel depressed or lonely. It is in this stage in grieving that you begin to truly realize the reality of your loss.
• The upward turn. You begin to adjust to your new life, and the intensity of the pain you feel from the loss starts to reduce. At this point in the grieving process, you may notice that you feel calmer.
• Reconstruction and working through. This stage in grieving involves taking action to move forward. You begin to reconstruct your new normal, working through any issues created by the loss.
• Acceptance and hope. In this final stage of the grieving process, you begin to accept the loss and feel hope for what tomorrow might bring. It’s not that all your other feelings are gone, just more so that you’ve accepted them and are ready to move on.

How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving

It can be difficult to know what to say or do when someone has experienced loss. We do our best to offer comfort, but sometimes our best efforts can feel inadequate and unhelpful.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind if someone you love is going through the stages in grieving:

• Avoid rescuing or fixing. In an attempt to be helpful, we may offer uplifting, hopeful comments or even humor to try to ease their pain or “fix them.” Although the intention is good, this approach can leave people feeling as if their pain is not seen, heard, or valid.
• Don’t force it. We may want so badly to help and for the person to feel better, so we believe that nudging them to talk and process their emotions before they’re truly ready will help them faster. This is not necessarily true and can actually be an obstacle to their healing.
• Make yourself accessible. Offer space for people to grieve. This lets the person know we’re available when they’re ready. We can invite them to talk with us but remember to provide understanding and validation if they are not ready just yet. Remind them that you’re there and not to hesitate to come to you.

Resources for People in Stages of Grieving

Several organizations provide information or assistance for people going through the grieving process. Regardless of where you are in the stages in grieving, you may find help via entities such as:

It is important to remember that everyone copes with loss differently. While you may experience all five stages of grief, you might also find that it is difficult to classify your feelings into any one of the stages. Have patience with yourself and your feelings in dealing with loss.

Allow yourself time to process all your emotions, and when you are ready to speak about your experiences with loved ones or a healthcare professional, do so. If you are supporting someone who has lost a loved one, such as a spouse or sibling, remember that you don’t need to do anything specific. Simply allow them room to talk when they are ready.

A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. A relationship is toxic when your well-being is threatened in some way—emotionally, psychologically, and even physically.

On a basic level, any relationship that makes you feel worse rather than better can become toxic over time. Toxic relationships can exist in just about any context, from the playground to the boardroom to the bedroom. You may even deal with toxic relationships among your family members.

People with mental illnesses, such as bipolar disorder, major depression, or even depressive tendencies, may be particularly susceptible to toxic relationships since they are already sensitive to negative emotions.

For example, someone with bipolar disorder who is in the midst of a mixed or depressive episode may have a somewhat weaker grip on emotional stability than others, and that may make that person an easier target for toxic people. However, toxic people can affect anyone.

Here’s what you need to know about toxic relationships, including what makes a relationship toxic and how to determine if you’re in one. You’ll also find tips for effective ways to manage these types of relationships, such as going to online therapy or online couples counseling.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Only you can tell if the bad outweighs the good in a relationship. But if someone consistently threatens your well-being by what they’re saying, doing, or not doing, it’s likely a toxic relationship.

Relationships that involve physical or verbal abuse are definitely classified as toxic. But there are other, more subtle, signs of a toxic relationship, including:

• You give more than you’re getting, which makes you feel devalued and depleted.
• You feel consistently disrespected or that your needs aren’t being met.
• You feel a toll on your self-esteem over time.
• You feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked.
• You feel depressed, angry, or tired after speaking or being with the other person.
• You bring out the worst in each other. For example, your competitive friend brings out a spite-based competitive streak that is not enjoyable for you.
• You are not your best self around the person. For example, they bring out the gossipy side of you, or they seem to draw out a mean streak you don’t normally have.
• You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around this person to keep from becoming a target of their venom.
• You spend a lot of time and emotional strength trying to cheer them up.
• You are always to blame. They turn things around so things you thought they had done wrong are suddenly your fault.

Toxic vs. Abusive Relationships

Not all toxic relationships are abusive; however, all abusive relationships can be considered toxic.

In a toxic relationship, there is usually a lack of respect and a violation of boundaries. Sometimes, this behavior occurs without the person even realizing they’re doing it.

But, if this kind of behavior is consistently repeated with the active intent to harm the other person, the relationship could be considered abusive.

Abuse can take many forms—such as psychological, emotional, and physical abuse. Abusive relationships tend to also follow the cycle of abuse. For example, the stages of the cycle of abuse usually involve:

1. Tension starts to build.
2. An act of abuse occurs.
3. The person who committed the act apologizes, blames the victim, or minimizes the abuse.
4. There is a period of time during which no abuse occurs; however, the cycle eventually repeats.

In addition, toxic relationships may be more subjective than abusive ones. For instance, if you have a history of being lied to, you might consider anyone who lies a toxic person; someone else might be more willing to let it slide and give the person who lied a second chance.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse of any kind, there are resources that can help.

Toxic vs. Healthy Behavior

When determining if a relationship is creating toxicity, it’s important to look at which behaviors are being displayed most frequently in the relationship.

In other words, if one or both of you are consistently selfish, negative, and disrespectful, you could be creating toxicity in the relationship. But if you’re mostly encouraging, compassionate, and respectful, then there might just be certain issues that create toxicity that need to be addressed.

It’s important to recognize the signs of toxicity—whether it’s in you or in the other person. Here are some signs of both toxic behaviors and healthy behaviors.

Types of Toxic Relationships

It’s important to note that toxic relationships are not limited to romantic relationships. They exist in families, in the workplace, and among friend groups—and they can be extremely stressful, especially if the toxicity isn’t effectively managed.

• When there are negative behaviors: Some people’s constant complaining, critical remarks, and overall negativity create a toxic environment. Other toxic traits may include perfectionism, unhealthy competitiveness, and frequent lying. A person may also let their insecurities bring out the worst in them.
• When one (or both) people lack self-awareness: Sometimes people are unaware of their negative effect on others. They also may not know healthier ways to communicate. It’s likely that they don’t know how to read social cues well enough to know when they’re frustrating people or making them feel like they are being criticized or ignored.
• When a person intentionally hurts others: Some people are deliberately rude and hurtful. In these situations, you may feel singled out and targeted through their mean words and actions. A person may also try to control or manipulate you, which is toxic behavior.
• When a partner is constantly cheating: If an intimate partner lies and cheats without even trying to change their behavior, it adds a toxic element to the relationship.
• When a person is abusive: When people repeatedly and intentionally hurt you, their behavior can be considered abusive. Whether they are constantly gossiping about you, or they are physically harming you in any way, abuse is never OK.

If any of the above scenarios are true of your situation, you may want to re-evaluate the toxic relationships in your life.

Narcissists and Sociopaths

Some people, particularly narcissists and sociopaths, tend to feed off of other people’s attention and admiration. Narcissists feel a need to one-up people and make them feel “less-than” in a quest for superiority.

They may intentionally put you down in subtle ways or throw little insults at you if you share an accomplishment you are proud of. They also may keep you guessing as to whether or not they will be nice to you from one day to the next. Or, they may engage in gaslighting on a consistent basis.

Narcissists notoriously don’t admit fault because they truly believe that they never make mistakes. In fact, they find it personally threatening to see themselves as less than perfect.

This change in your behavior won’t change them, but it can help minimize the stress of dealing with them. The important thing is that you protect yourself from the emotional abuse you receive when interacting with them:

• Remind yourself that you’re not going to change them, and confronting them may only bring out more wrath without resolving anything.
• Put distance between yourself and them.
• Accept that you need to be on your guard if the person has to be in your life.

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Co-Workers

If it’s a co-worker and the problem is proximity, consider thinking of a good excuse to get your desk moved. For example: “I’m right under an air vent that’s bothering me” or “I could get more work done if I wasn’t right by the printer.”

If the person seeks you out to complain, you might try referring them to a supervisor, and then calmly return to doing your work. You may have to repeat this numerous times before they get the hint.

Family and Friends

With family members and friends, it’s likely to be more difficult, since there may be no easy way to remove the toxic person from your life.

If you have a seriously toxic friend, you may need to simply decrease the time you spend with them. If you’re worried about offending them, cut back your visits over a period of months so it isn’t quite as noticeable (though they may still notice).

When the toxic person is a family member or close friend, it may also be possible to encourage that person to get into therapy, which is often needed to solve the underlying issue behind the toxicity.

Effects of Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships may be causing real damage to your self-esteem and your overall mental health as well as your physical health.

Constant drama in a relationship can distract us from the other relationships in our lives, leading to a sense of social isolation—which may cause other issues like depression or worsened sleep quality.

You may find that a toxic relationship impacts your ability to engage in self-care. You may sacrifice your normal routine—including personal hygiene, exercise, hobbies, and more—if you’re constantly dealing with a tumultuous or toxic person or relationship. This sacrifice can lead to a decline in overall physical and mental health over time.

In fact, a 2016 University of Michigan study found that “stress and [negative] relationship quality directly affect the cardiovascular system.” In the long-term, all of these factors damage your health and may even lead you to develop unhealthy coping behaviors like drinking or emotional eating.

Coping With Toxic Relationships

While not every toxic relationship can be avoided, especially among co-workers or a family member, they can be managed with healthy boundaries, self-care, and awareness.

If you find yourself in a toxic relationship where you bring out the worst in one another (or simply fail to bring out the best), you may want to work on the relationship and change the dynamic—particularly if there are other benefits to the relationship.

Here are a few more steps for coping with a toxic relationship:

• Talk to the other person about what you’re witnessing. Be assertive about your needs and feelings while also taking responsibility for your part in the situation.
• Discuss what you see as a problem and decide together if you want to change the dynamic to ensure that both of you get your needs met.
• Re-evaluate your relationship and ask yourself: Is this person causing real damage to my self-esteem and overall mental health?
• Limit the time you spend with people who bring frustration or unhappiness into your life. If this person is someone you need to interact with, like a family member or co-worker, you may need to limit interactions.
• If you decide to talk about your concerns, use “I feel” statements when describing your feelings and emotions. Doing so helps keep them from feeling defensive.
• Realize that some toxic people simply are unwilling to change—especially those who lack self-awareness or social skills.
• Try to non-confrontationally stand up for yourself when the situation warrants it.

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship

If you’ve tried setting boundaries and the other person refuses to respect them, it may be time to end the relationship. Though it can be challenging to do so, remember that the most important thing is prioritizing yourself, your needs, and your health.

How you choose to end the relationship depends on your situation and how safe you feel. You could:

• Tell the person directly that you are choosing to end the relationship and list your reasons.
• Let the relationship fade away over time, slowly communicating with this person less and less.
• Discontinue communication immediately (particularly if a relationship is threatening your safety).

If you choose to communicate to the person directly, you can take accountability for your feelings and try to avoid blaming them or getting defensive. Ultimately, you can’t control how they react, but you can try to use strategies to avoid escalating the discussion.

If you are leaving a romantic relationship, you may need to develop a support network in order to safely leave. For instance, if you are concerned about how the person will react, you may choose to speak with them in a public place. Let a trusted person know when this will take place and where you will be, so you can plan to meet up with them afterward.

You may need to stay with a family member or friend until you figure out a new living situation, away from your partner.

When dealing with any type of toxic relationship, it’s important to focus on your health and well-being. Consequently, if you’re dealing with someone who drains you of your energy and happiness, consider removing them from your life, or at least limiting your time spent with them. And, if you’re experiencing emotional or physical abuse, get help right away.

A good relationship can elevate your life in ways that you never thought were possible. A bad one can leave you heartbroken, depressed, and listless. Toxic relationships are more common than you might think, and their effects can often be crippling.

Toxic and unhealthy relationships are often baffling to people on the outside. Surely, if someone makes you miserable or is physically or emotionally abusive, the obvious decision is to leave them—right? The reality is often more complicated due to many factors, including finances, children, and emotions. To leave a toxic relationship, you should:

1. Build your social support
2. Explore ways to become more independent
3. Lean on family, friends, and others as you are leaving
4. Get help from professionals, including a therapist, attorney, or law enforcement
5. Cutt off contact with the other person
6. Care for yourself as you transition out of the toxic relationship

What Is a Toxic Relationship?

A toxic relationship is one that is harmful. While some signs of a toxic relationship are more obvious—like physical abuse, repeated infidelity, and inappropriate sexual behavior—others can be harder to detect. It may involve disrespectful, dishonest, or controlling behavior. For example, your partner cuts you down frequently. As a result, your mental health may begin to suffer.

Abuse and Domestic Violence

While a relationship does not have to involve abuse for it to be considered toxic, all abusive relationships are toxic. Abuse can manifest in different ways, including emotional, verbal, economic, sexual, and physical.

Signs of an abusive relationship can appear in physical or sexual violence, name-calling, humiliation, or threats. These types of relationships are typically characterized by possessive and controlling behaviors. If you’re experiencing any type of abuse, know that you don’t deserve to live that way and reach out for support immediately.

Why It’s Hard to Leave a Toxic Relationship

People get tied up in relationship patterns that can be hard to break out of. Some might feel trapped financially or worry about their children. In abusive relationships, victims make an average of seven attempts to end the relationship before they do, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Here are reasons why people find it difficult to get out of a toxic relationship:

• Fear: In abusive relationships, one partner is likely to be extremely manipulative towards the other. This frequently involves making physical, emotional, or financial threats if the other person talks about leaving. As a result, the victim might be afraid to leave their partner.
• Children: For couples who have children together, it can be very challenging to leave because of the perceived negative impact on the children. There may also be concerns about custody.
• Love: There may be lingering feelings of love keeping someone in a relationship.
• Finances: If one partner is financially dependent on the other, that could complicate the logistics involved in leaving.
• Shame: A lot of people hide the nature of their relationships from their friends, family, and acquaintances. As a result, they silently suffer because they are too ashamed to ask anyone for help. They might turn to drugs or alcohol for solace, worsening the toll that the relationship is taking.
• Codependency: It can be hard to break free from an imbalanced relationship dynamic where one partner consistently gives and the other takes, as in codependent relationships.

If you’ve been in a toxic relationship for a long time, it can be hard to see a way out the door. You may even believe that you are really the cause of the problem. Feeling this way is a common phenomenon as the perpetrator in the relationship is often an expert at gaslighting, which leaves you questioning reality.

Additionally, further complications may arise if your partner has a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is a personality disorder characterized by having an overblown sense of self-importance and lack of empathy.

A 2019 study from SAGE Open suggests that aggressive outbursts by narcissistic partners were due to fear of abandonment in the relationship. This could cause a narcissistic individual to lash out or try to prevent their partner from leaving—for example, through manipulation by playing the victim.

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship in 6 Steps

Ending a bad relationship can be really complicated, but the sooner you leave a toxic relationship, the better. Here are some things you can do to make the process easier:

1. Build a safety net: If you’re thinking of calling it quits, make a plan for how you are going to deal with the transition. Where will you stay? What possessions will you need to bring along? Don’t do this haphazardly. This process should be well thought out.
2. Set a goal to be independent: If you do not have a career or a way to support yourself, it is time to begin carving this path. Go to school, get training, begin a job (even a low-level or part-time job). Your financial independence is one of the main roads to freedom.
3. Let someone know: No more secrets. Confide in a family member or friend so that they can help you with the process. If you feel threatened, inform the local authorities that you are going to need help.
4. Seek professional help: Leaving and recovering from a toxic relationship will take effort and time. Reach out to support groups or counselors who are experienced in relationship issues. A therapist can be a great impartial resource to guide you and hold you accountable for creating and meeting your goals. An experienced family law attorney is also necessary if you’re leaving a marriage.
5. Stop talking to your partner: Toxic people are very cunning and can use emotional blackmail to lure you back in. When you make the decision to leave your partner, stop any form of communication with them unless you have children and need to co-parent. In this case, only communicate about the children. If you need to file a restraining order, do so.
6. Indulge yourself: Being part of a toxic relationship is extremely detrimental to your self-esteem and mental health. It may take some time before you are ready to be part of another relationship. Don’t rush this. Take time for yourself. To help yourself recover, make time for hobbies. Start working on a pet project or your own business. Take that trip you’ve always wanted to go on.

A one-sided relationship is characterized by one person investing more energy and effort into making the relationship work. In this imbalanced dynamic, one person puts in more time and effort or has less control.

The problem with any one-sided relationship is that it can be draining and challenging to sustain over the long haul. This can be contrasted with healthy relationships characterized by mutual honesty, trust, and commitment.

And while one-sided relationships don’t necessarily mean one person is being taken advantage of, they often indicate a problem in communication or compatibility between two people.

It’s possible that one partner may not feel as strongly about the relationship as the other, or maybe one party isn’t sure exactly how they feel about it yet.

This article discusses the characteristics of one-sided relationships, what causes them, and what you should do if you find yourself in this type of relationship.

What Is a One-Sided Relationship?

A one-sided relationship can be defined as an imbalanced interpersonal relationship where one person invests more energy or where one person wields more control. This imbalance can be one of many factors, such as one person being more committed or more interested in the relationship.

“The most important thing is how your relationship makes you feel. A loving equitable relationship with shared values and commitment should make you feel safe, loved, confident, connected, understood, and secure,” says Amy Mezulis, PhD, co-founder and chief clinical officer of Joon. 

In a one-sided relationship, one person is doing most of the work, whether it is financially, physically, emotionally, or mentally. In a romantic relationship, this might involve one person initiating most of the communication, planning most of the shared activities, or taking care of most of the duties that the couple should share equally.

Signs of a One-Sided Relationship

One-sided relationships can come in a variety of forms. It might involve your relationship with your partner, but it can also involve other interpersonal relationships including those with parents, friends, and co-workers.

Some of the signs of a one-sided relationship to watch for include:

• Initiating a vast majority of the activities and communication: The other person is rarely the one to reach out and make first contact. Instead, you are expected to start nearly every conversation, initiate almost all interactions, and plan a significant majority of what you do together.
• Having to make most major relationship decisions on your own: The other person might tell you they don’t care either way or they may simply shrug off the responsibility of making important decisions altogether. Either way, you’re the one carrying the weight of major choices on your back with minimal input or investment from the other person.
• Being the one who has to apologize: After a conflict or argument, the other person rarely reaches out to take responsibility for their actions or make amends for the harm they have done. Instead, you are usually the one to say you are sorry in order to move past the problem.
• Sacrificing everything to make the other person happy: You might feel like you have to ignore your own wants and needs because you are busy holding up the relationship by yourself.
• Feelings of insecurity and not really knowing where you stand: When the other person doesn’t seem to care or doesn’t put in much effort, it leaves you doubting their intentions, commitment, and investment in the relationship.
• Poor communication: You might feel like they don’t listen, don’t care, or don’t really understand what you mean when you do talk. When you do communicate, you feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
• Imbalanced financial contributions: You are the one who has to pay for all of your shared expenses and, in many cases, they expect you to pick up the tab for their financial obligations.
• Making excuses: You find yourself often making excuses for why the other person isn’t contributing to the relationship. The other person is frequently having a bad day or dealing with stress that prevents them from showing up for you. 

In a one-sided relationship, one partner leads almost every aspect of the relationship. This includes what activities you engage in together and when these activities take place. This can also be seen in friendships or between people who are dating.

Because of this imbalance, the person doing all the work often feels resentful, which can be emotionally and physically draining.  If you think your relationship may be one-sided, it’s important to look at whether or not both parties are equally invested in the relationship.

One-Sided Relationship Causes

Sometimes relationships are imbalanced because one person is manipulative or toxic. In other cases, however, a variety of factors can contribute to a relationship becoming one-sided.

Poor Communication Skills

One or both partners may struggle with sharing their feelings, needs, and preferences. Practicing and improving communication skills can help increase clarity around possible solutions, responses, and opportunities for repair and healing if that is desired by both parties.

Insecurity

One person is afraid of losing the relationship if they don’t take care of everything themselves. This leads to them taking on an imbalanced share of responsibility in the relationship.

Conflicting Expectations

Each person brings their own set of ideas about what a relationship means and what they hope to get out of it. If you are more committed and dedicated to the relationship than your partner is, it is bound to feel one-sided.

Individual Problems

If one partner is dealing with something stressful or is experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition, it can play a role in how they act in a relationship. They may not be able to give it the attention they need if they are being affected by such problems.

Attachment Styles

Attachment styles can play a role in how people behave in adult romantic relationships. For example, a person with an anxious attachment style may worry that the other person does not feel as strongly as they do.

This can lead to one partner becoming clingy and enmeshed in the relationship while the other tries to get away from it as best as possible. In romantic relationships, this type of behavior often leads one person to become emotionally dependent.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior

One-sided relationships may also be marked by intentional actions designed to burden one partner with responsibilities that the other person does not want to deal with.

One example of this is a phenomenon that has been dubbed “weaponized incompetence” in which one partner feigns an inability to perform basic tasks. In doing so, they shift the burden of responsibility onto their partner. It is a form of passive-aggressive behavior that can contribute to one-sided relationships. 

Impact of a One-Sided Relationship

One-sided relationships can be extremely toxic, particularly if one person is intentionally taking advantage of the other. Some of the damaging effects of this type of relationship include:

• Increased stress: The stress of being in this type of relationship can take a toll on both your physical and mental health. While healthy relationships can act as protective buffers against stress, research has found that some relationships create stress and have a negative impact on health. Sleep issues, anxiety, depression, and decreased immunity are just a few of the potentially detrimental effects of excessive stress. 
• Feelings of loneliness: In addition to the stress of doing the majority of the work in the relationship, the lack of mutual effort can leave you feeling isolated and lonely. You might feel like you can’t really talk to the other person about the problems you are dealing with or how you really feel.
• Decreased self-esteem: The constant disappointment you experience in this one-sided relationship can leave you feeling rejected, unsupported, and unloved. This can make it hard to feel confident and secure in yourself.

How to Change a One-Sided Relationship

When it comes to changing a one-sided relationship, both people need to be on the same page and willing to do the work it will take to make a change. Start by being honest with yourself about the conversation you may be avoiding with your partner and why.

“In a one-sided relationship, those options translate to ways to change the relationship (make it more balanced or leave it) or to accept the relationship for what it is (for example, by changing expectations),” she explains.

Communicate Your Needs

Try asking yourself questions about the relationship. For instance, is this person consistent in their behavior across all of their relationships, or is this one-sided behavior in the relationship specific to yours? Is this a person who you feel comfortable sharing your needs and feelings with? How do they receive feedback?

Mezulis notes that sometimes one-sided relationship stem from a lack of communication and clarity about expectations, hopes, and feelings.

Assess what you are giving to the relationship and what you are receiving and not receiving. What you would like to receive, and what are your boundaries around what you can and cannot accept?

It’s important to have an honest and open conversation with your partner about feelings, needs, and boundaries. Request specific changes or greater consideration, recognizing your requests may or may not be met as you cannot change another person.

Change Your Behaviors

Adjusting your behaviors can also play a part in shifting the balance of your relationship. “Trying to change the imbalance in a relationship through our own behaviors may include changing our behaviors to those that better align with our own values,” Mezulis explains.

Part of this, she suggests, can include not taking on tasks that you think should be shared by both people in the relationship. So if you think that initiating communication should be shared equally, you can help shift the imbalance by not doing more than your partner.

Consider Couples Therapy

Couples therapy may be helpful in such situations. Through therapy, the partner who is contributing less can learn new skills that may help them function more effectively and contribute more to the relationship.

For partners who are carrying the weight of the relationship on their own, therapy can help them address some of the reasons why they have taken on this burden. It can also help them address any issues with codependency that might be playing a role in them taking on too much. Therapy can also help people to develop communication skills so they can better explain what they need and expect.

Ultimately, it is important to understand that you cannot change someone who is unwilling or unable to contribute and be a supportive partner.

When to End a One-Sided Relationship

Ending a relationship can often be challenging, but eventually, you may reach your breaking point or recognize that the other person is not willing to contribute to the relationship in an acceptable way. Some signs that it might be time to end a one-sided relationship include:

• When the other person is stonewalling, even though you have made reasonable requests about what they are bringing to the relationship
• If you have communicated your concerns and needs and they refuse to acknowledge your requests
• If they are gaslighting you in order to make you think that what you are experiencing is all in your head or that this type of relationship behavior is normal

Because of the nature of a one-sided relationship, attempts to end the relationship might be met with resistance once the non-contributing person realizes that their source of support is leaving. Remind yourself about the reasons why you are leaving and find support from friends, family, or a therapist.

In simple terms, a boy feels that he is competing with his father for possession of his mother, while a girl feels that she is competing with her mother for her father’s affection. According to Freud, children view their same-sex parents as a rival for the opposite-sex parent’s attention and affection.

Continue reading to learn more about the Oedipus complex, including its history and how it is thought to develop. We also share ongoing issues and criticisms of this concept, helping you understand the challenges it has faced.

History of the Oedipus Complex

Freud first proposed this concept in his 1899 book “The Interpretation of Dreams,” although he did not formally begin using the term Oedipus complex until 1910. The concept became increasingly important as he continued to develop his theory of psychosexual development.

In the Greek myth, Oedipus is abandoned at birth and thus does not know who his parents are. It is only after he had killed his father and married his mother that he learns their true identities.

How Does the Oedipus Complex Work?

In psychoanalytic theory, the Oedipus complex refers to a child’s desire for sexual involvement with the opposite sex parent, particularly a boy’s attention to his mother. This desire is kept out of conscious awareness through repression, but Freud believed that it still had an influence over a child’s behavior and played a role in development.

In Freud’s theory, children progress through a series of stages of psychosexual development. At each stage, the subconscious mind is centered on pleasure related to a certain region of the body. These stages are:

• Oral stage: From birth to 18 months
• Anal stage: From 18 months to three years
• Phallic stage: From ages three to five 
• Latent stage: From ages five to 12
• Genital stage: From ages 12 to adulthood

Freud suggested that the Oedipus complex played an important role in the phallic stage of psychosexual development. He also believed that successful completion of this stage involved identifying with the same-sex parent, which ultimately would lead to developing a mature sexual identity.

During this stage of development, Freud suggested that the child develops a sexual attraction to their opposite-sex parent and hostility toward the same-sex parent. According to Freud, a boy wishes to possess his mother and replace his father, who the child views as a rival for the mother’s affection.

Signs of the Oedipus Complex 

Freud believed that all children go through this process as a normal part of development. Some signs that a child is experiencing the Oedipus complex include:

• Becoming overly attached to one parent
• Fixation on one parent
• Hostility toward the other parent
• Jealousy of one parent
• Possessiveness of one parent

Corresponding Behaviors

Freud suggested that there are a number of behaviors that children engage in that are actually a result of this complex. Examples of behaviors a child might exhibit include:

• Acting angry or hostile toward the rival parent
• Becoming angry or jealous when the rival parent shows affection to the desired parent
• Indicating that they want to marry the desired parent
• Trying to get the attention of the desired parent

The Electra Complex

The analogous stage for girls is known as the Electra complex, in which girls feel desire for their fathers and jealousy of their mothers. The term Electra complex was introduced by Carl Jung to describe how this complex manifests in girls. Freud, however, believed that the term Oedipus complex referred to both boys and girls, although he believed that each sex experiences it differently.

Freud also suggested that when a girl discovers that she does not have a penis, she develops penis envy and resentment toward her mother for “sending her into the world so insufficiently equipped.” Eventually, this resentment gives way to identification with her mother and the process of internalizing the attributes and characteristics of her same-sex parent.

It was Freud’s views of female sexuality that were perhaps his most heavily criticized. Psychoanalyst Karen Horney refuted Freud’s concept of penis envy and instead suggested that men experience womb envy due to their inability to bear children. Freud himself admitted that his understanding of women was perhaps less than fully realized.

How Is the Oedipus Complex Resolved?

At each stage in Freud’s theory of psychosexual development, children face a developmental conflict that must be resolved in order to form a healthy adult personality. To develop into a successful adult with a healthy identity, the child must identify with the same-sex parent to resolve the conflict of the phallic stage.

Influence of the Id and Ego

So how does a child go about resolving the Oedipus complex? Freud suggested that while the primal id wants to eliminate the father, the more realistic ego knows that the father is much stronger. In addition, the boy also has a positive attachment to the father.

Castration Anxiety

According to Freud, a boy then experiences what he called castration anxiety, which is a fear of both literal and figurative emasculation. Freud believed that as the child becomes aware of the physical differences between males and females, he assumes that the female’s penis has been removed and that his father will also castrate him as a punishment for desiring his mother.

Emergence of the Superego

To resolve the conflict, the defense mechanism known as identification kicks in. It is at this point that the super-ego is formed. The super-ego becomes a sort of inner moral authority, an internalization of the father figure that strives to suppress the urges of the id and make the ego act upon these idealistic standards.

Outside influences including social norms, religious teachings, and other cultural influences help contribute to the repression of the Oedipal complex.

It is out of this that the child’s conscience emerges, or the overall sense of right and wrong. In some cases, however, Freud also suggested that these repressed feelings could also result in an unconscious sense of guilt. While this guilt may not be overtly felt, it can still have an influence over the individual’s conscious actions.

What If the Oedipus Complex Is Not Resolved?

As when conflicts at other psychosexual stages are not resolved, a fixation at that point in development can result. Freud suggested that boys who do not deal with this conflict effectively become “mother-fixated” while girls become “father-fixated.”

When someone says that a person has an Oedipus complex, it often describes an unhealthy attachment or dependence on their opposite-sex parent in adulthood. An unresolved Oedipus complex can lead to challenges in achieving mature adult romantic relationships and conflicts with same-sex competitiveness. Psychoanalysis focuses on helping resolve these conflicts.

Criticisms and Other Explanations

Is the Oedipus complex a real thing? Freud’s theory was controversial in his own time and remains controversial, criticized, and not widely accepted today. Other theories have emerged to describe parent-child attachments.

Attachment theory, in particular, offers an alternative explanation for many of the behaviors that Freud described. This approach emerged during the 1950s through the work of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. 

According to attachment theory, early childhood emotional bonds serve as a source of safety and security. Children may bond with one parent more or express jealousy of the rival parent as a result of these early attachments that are tied to safety, security, and survival.

Final Thoughts

Freud’s concept of the Oedipus complex remains highly debated today, and other theories are generally preferred as explanations for some of the attachment behaviors that children experience.

If your child is experiencing symptoms that are disrupting their functioning and creating distress, talk to their pediatrician or a mental health professional. They can evaluate these symptoms and make recommendations that can help your child.