Estrangement often happens to protect one’s mental or emotional well-being, especially in toxic or abusive family situations.
Cultural and social pressures can make it harder to distance oneself from family.
Coping strategies like therapy, mindfulness, and support groups can ease the grief and stress of estrangement.
Family dynamics can be complicated. So complicated that we might want to cut our losses and go no contact. You’re certainly not alone if you feel this way. In fact, a growing number of us are becoming estranged from our biological family.
Why we choose to distance ourselves from our families is complex and personal. As a society, we tend to moralize this choice—as if you’re inherently a bad person for separating yourself from a harmful situation. But choosing to become estranged is a decision many don’t take lightly.
What Leads Someone To Cut Ties With a Family Member?
In any relationship, we exist on a spectrum from high contact to low contact to no contact. Decreasing your level of contact is a choice dependent on many factors, such as:
Shifting family dynamics, such as divorce or controlling marital partners
Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW, a trauma therapist, says it’s important to understand that estrangement isn’t a simple decision and that it often includes a deep level of thought, especially since many don’t want to reduce or eliminate contact with their family member(s).
“I think with a lot of folks, when they finally get to that point of estrangement, it doesn’t always feel like it’s a choice,” she says. “I think it kind of feels like this is something I have to do to preserve myself.”
The Reasons May Not Be Obvious to Both Parties
The process of estrangement is rarely cut-and-dry. How much contact you have with a loved one shifts and changes.
Joshua Coleman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice and a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, adds that estrangement is a scenario sometimes rife with miscommunication.
“A lot of parents say, ‘Yeah, I made some pretty serious mistakes,’ but probably the majority don’t understand why that would produce an estrangement,” he explains. “Some just have no idea. Sometimes, it’s because the child is telling them, and they’re not accepting it. Other times, some adult children, probably because they’re conflict-avoidant, haven’t really told their parents, so they are operating in the dark.”
What Are the Psychological Effects?
Estrangement can lead to a variety of positive and negative mental health effects. For some, it brings feelings of sadness, grief, and a loss of control.
Studies show that the person choosing to separate themselves from their family member(s) experiences a host of emotions, ranging from anger, sadness, and stress at the beginning of the estrangement. Over time, these feelings will dwindle, though anger and sadness may remain at lower rates.
A 2017 study echoed this, noting that adult children estranged from their families found their separation necessary but a painful loss they will grieve throughout their lifespan. Another study reported the opposite, citing that those initiating the separation feel a sense of liberation, stress relief, and a realization of one’s purpose.
The reality is that estrangement is complicated, and how one feels about it depends on the person and their circumstances—especially considering most estrangements are marked by on-and-off-again cycles.
Patricia Dixon, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and owner of a Florida-based group practice, adds that social media glamorizes estrangement, noting that it “makes people more comfortable with becoming estranged because they can still stalk the person through social media,” she says. “So it’s almost as if, if I cut you off, [I can] still know what’s happening in your life.”
Instead of rushing towards estrangement, Dixon recommends setting boundaries and expectations in your relationships. This, she says, will help curb the mental and psychological stress that may come with being estranged and grieving your lost relationships.
How Society Views Estrangement
Societal narratives surrounding estrangement regularly place reunification or reconciliation on a pedestal and ignore the reality that estrangement can be painful, beautiful, illuminating, and a whole host of other experiences, often all at once.
Dixon believes this pressure to maintain familial relationships can actively harm those considering estrangement or who have actively gone no contact.
“This is someone you were once close to and they had a strong foundation in your life,” she says.
Patricia Dixon, PsyD
To distance from them can bring up a number of feelings, including grief, which is this sorrow of what was. In some ways, it’s not even grief of what was—it’s the grief of what you thought the relationship would be.
— Patricia Dixon, PsyD
Culture Can Play a Part
Dixon says there is a cultural expectation to stay in contact with your family, which can be particularly damaging for people of color.
“There tends to be this kinship for survival, for making it through the different discrimination that you may face as a person of color,” she says. “And so there becomes an added pressure of having to remain family and bonded because we’re supposed to protect each other. For somebody to step away from a family member, there’s this pressure and shame.”
Zic adds that these pressures can make estrangement more difficult, particularly if your cultural background stems from a collectivist culture.
How To Cope With Estrangement
What does coping with estrangement look like?
Engage in physical or mental practices. Zic recommends therapy, meditation, or movement-based activities to help nourish and ground you.
Find comfort in your chosen family. Your chosen family includes the people in your circle with whom you share a family bond, regardless of whether you are actually related to them. “Having chosen family [means having] people who remind you, ‘Hey, I trust you. We can navigate relationships differently,” Zic says.
Speak to a mental health professional. Seek out a mental health clinician who understands the intricacies of estrangement.
Visit an online support group. Websites like Together Estranged and Stand Alone have online support groups to help you cope with being estranged from your family.
Group therapy. Research shows that group therapy reduces the psychological stress of estrangement.
Get Help Now
We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
Reconciling With Estranged Family
If reunification or reconciliation is a goal, Coleman recommends communicating expectations and a timeline. He often tells his clients interested in reconciling with their parents to “let their parents know the changes that they need or want them to make and that they’ll check back in with them in six months or some period of time.”
“Often adult children are saying to their parent, ‘You need to do your own therapy, you need to do your work.’ But they often don’t give the parent a timeline,” he says.
Keep in Mind
Ultimately, whether you decide to remain estranged from your family or seek reconciliation, know that either decision is completely valid. Family relationships are complicated. Sometimes, years of resentment, trauma, and buried feelings can’t be solved. And sometimes with therapy, changed behavior, and forgiveness, they can.
But it’s not up to society to decide this for you. Chat with a therapist, set boundaries with your family, communicate your expectations, and go from there.
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator works by using self-report questions to identify your preferences and how you relate to the world.
Your answers are used to place you into one of 16 different types based on four preference pairs derived from Carl Jung’s personality theory.
While the MBTI is popular and widely used, its reliability and validity remain in question.
The Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator (MBTI) is a self-report questionnaire that sorts people into 16 different personality types based on their preferences in how they think, make decisions, and interact with the world. You can use the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to explore your strengths in how you think and relate to others. Created by Isabel Myers and Katherine Briggs, based on Carl Jung’s theory, it’s now one of the most popular personality frameworks in the world.
Illustration by JR Bee, Verywell
How the MBTI Works
Based on the answers to the questions on the inventory, people are identified as having one of 16 personality types. The goal of the MBTI is to allow respondents to further explore and understand their own personalities, including their likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, possible career preferences, and compatibility with other people.
No one personality type is “best” or “better” than another. It isn’t a tool designed to look for dysfunction or abnormality. Instead, its goal is simply to help you learn more about yourself. The questionnaire consists of four scales.
Extraversion (E) – Introversion (I)
Jung first explored the extraversion–introversion dichotomy in his theory of personality types, which describes how people respond and interact with the world around them. While these terms are familiar to most people, the way in which they are used in the MBTI differs somewhat from their popular usage.
Extraverts (also often spelled extroverts) are “outward-turning” and tend to be action-oriented, enjoy more frequent social interaction, and feel energized after spending time with other people.
Introverts are “inward-turning” and tend to be thought-oriented, enjoy deep and meaningful social interactions, and feel recharged after spending time alone.
We all exhibit extraversion and introversion to some degree, but most of us tend to have an overall preference for one or the other.
Sensing (S) – Intuition (N)
This scale examines how people gather information from the world around them. Just as with extraversion and introversion, everyone spends some time sensing and intuiting, depending on the situation. According to the MBTI, people tend to be dominant in one area or the other.
People who prefer sensing tend to pay close attention to reality, particularly to what they can learn from their own senses. They tend to focus on facts and details and enjoy getting hands-on experience.
Those who prefer intuition pay closer attention to patterns and impressions. They enjoy thinking about possibilities, imagining the future, and abstract theories.
Thinking (T) – Feeling (F)
This scale focuses on how people make decisions based on the information that they gathered from their sensing or intuition functions.
People who prefer thinking place a greater emphasis on facts and objective data. They tend to be consistent, logical, and impersonal when making decisions.
Those who prefer feeling are more likely to consider people and emotions when arriving at a conclusion.
Judging (J) – Perceiving (P)
The final scale involves how people tend to deal with the outside world.
Those who lean toward judging prefer structure and firm decisions.
People who lean toward perceiving are more open, flexible, and adaptable. These two tendencies interact with the other scales.
Remember, everyone spends at least some time engaged in extraverted activities. The judging-perceiving scale helps describe whether you behave like an extravert when you are taking in new information (sensing and intuiting) or when you are making decisions (thinking and feeling).
The 16 Myers-Briggs Types
Each type is then listed by its four-letter code:
ISTJ – The Inspector: Reserved and practical, they tend to be loyal, orderly, and traditional.
ISTP – The Crafter: Highly independent, they enjoy new experiences that provide first-hand learning.
ISFJ – The Protector: Warm-hearted and dedicated, they are always ready to protect the people they care about.
ISFP – The Artist: Easy-going and flexible, they tend to be reserved and artistic.
INFJ – The Advocate: Creative and analytical, they are considered one of the rarest Myers-Briggs types.
INFP – The Mediator: Idealistic with high values, they strive to make the world a better place.
INTJ – The Architect: Highly logical, they are both very creative and analytical.
INTP – The Thinker: Quiet and introverted, they are known for having a rich inner world.
ESTP – The Persuader: Outgoing and dramatic, they enjoy spending time with others and focusing on the here and now.
ESTJ – The Director: Assertive and rule-oriented, they have high principles and a tendency to take charge.
ESFJ – The Caregiver: Soft-hearted and outgoing, they tend to believe the best of others.
ENFP – The Champion: Charismatic and energetic, they enjoy situations where they can put their creativity to work.
ENFJ – The Giver: Loyal and sensitive, they are known for being understanding and generous.
ENTP – The Debater: Highly inventive, they love being surrounded by ideas and tend to start many projects (but may struggle to finish them).
ENTJ – The Commander: Outspoken and confident, they excel at planning and organizing projects.
Taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator can provide a lot of insight into your personality, which is probably why the instrument has become so popular. Even without taking the formal questionnaire, you can probably immediately recognize some of these tendencies in yourself.
According to the Myers & Briggs Foundation, it is important to remember that every type has value.
When working in group situations in school or at work, for example, recognizing your own strengths and understanding the strengths of others can be very helpful. When you are working toward completing a project with other members of a group, you might realize that certain members of the group are skilled and talented at performing particular actions. By recognizing these differences, the group can better assign tasks and work together on achieving their goals.
How MBTI Compares to Other Tests
The MBTI is just one approach to personality typing. Personality typing refers to systems that categorize people based on their traits, tendencies, and other characteristics. Other popular types of personality tests include:
However, the Myers-Briggs types differ in some important ways. First, the MBTI is not really a “test.” There are no right or wrong answers, and one type is not better than any other type. The purpose of the indicator is not to evaluate mental health or offer any type of diagnosis.
Also, unlike many other psychological evaluations, your results are not compared against any norms. Instead of looking at your score in comparison to other people’s results, the instrument’s goal is to simply offer further information about your unique personality.
The History of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Both Myers and Briggs were fascinated by Jung’s theory of psychological types and recognized its real-world applications. During World War II, they began researching and developing an indicator to help understand individual differences.
By helping people understand themselves, Myers and Briggs believed that they could help people select occupations that were best suited to their personality types and lead healthier, happier lives.
Myers created the first pen-and-pencil version of the inventory during the 1940s, and the two women began testing the assessment on friends and family. They continued to fully develop the instrument over the next two decades.
Is the MBTI a Reliable and Valid Test?
According to the Myers & Briggs Foundation, the MBTI meets accepted standards of reliability and validity. The official website for the test suggests that it has a 90% accuracy and test-retest reliability rating. One older study found that while the scale showed strong internal consistency and test-retest reliability, variations were observed.
Other studies indicate that the instrument’s reliability and validity have not been adequately demonstrated. For example, some research suggests that many people get different results when they retake the test later, and that the test is not a good predictor of success in different careers.
While the MBTI remains a popular assessment, there is not enough evidence for its scientific validity to recommend using it as a personality or career guidance tool.
How the MBTI Is Used Today
Because the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator is relatively easy to use, it has become one of the most popular psychological instruments currently in use today. Approximately two million U.S. adults complete the inventory each year.
While there are many versions of the MBTI available online, it should be noted that any of the informal questionnaires that you may find on the Internet are only approximations of the real thing.
The real MBTI must be administered by a trained and qualified practitioner and should include a follow-up of the results. Today, the questionnaire can be administered online via the instrument publisher, CPP, Inc., and includes receiving a professional interpretation of your results.
The current version of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator includes 93 forced-choice questions in the North American version and 88 forced-choice questions in the European version. For each question, there are two different options from which the respondent must choose.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
When confronting a narcissist, it’s important to remain assertive and confident, so they can’t manipulate or gaslight you.
Getting things in writing, keeping your responses brief, and stating your boundaries can be effective in disarming a narcissist.
If the narcissist is showing signs of abusive behavior, you must seek help immediately rather than attempting to confront them—your safety is of utmost importance.
The best strategies to disarm a narcissist include reducing conflict, lowering the emotional intensity, and maintaining firm boundaries. Instead of reacting to criticism or manipulation, use these neutral phrases to stay in control, set limits, and protect your peace.
Johnny Greig / Getty Images
Why It’s Important to Disarm a Narcissist
Interacting with a narcissist can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, angry, upset, and used. Whether it’s a friend, family member, colleague, or neighbor, dealing with them can be difficult and leave you drained.
In fact, research shows us that the key traits of narcissism, i.e., self-centeredness and lack of empathy for others, can often hinder pleasant interactions with narcissists.
Experts suggest that certain approaches can help you manage these interactions, disarm a narcissist, and decrease the risk of manipulation.
Using neutral phrases to disarm a narcissist can:
Prevent the argument from escalating
Protect your boundaries from someone who keeps trying to test your limits
Keep the conversation focused on facts instead of drama
Help you maintain emotional control and prevent impulsive, emotional reactions
Allow you to protect your well-being
Minimize the risk of manipulation
Give you more time and space to make decisions
Protect your safety in emotionally-charged situations
How to Respond to a Narcissist
These are some strategies that can help you respond to a narcissist.
Stay Calm and Composed
Narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions to gain a sense of control over others. They may resort to manipulation, lies, or personal attacks to get a rise out of you.
Though it can be difficult in the moment, try your best to stay calm and composed when you’re dealing with them, to avoid giving them control over you.
Keep Your Responses Brief
When you interact with a narcissist, Carvalho recommends keeping your explanations as short and to the point as possible.
Alana Carvalho, LMHC
When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, less is more. The less you give, the less they will have to use to manipulate you. The more information you provide, the more likely you are to get into a back-and-forth with them.
— Alana Carvalho, LMHC
Narcissists also tend to use whatever information you provide to gaslight you by confusing you and making you feel crazy, says Carvalho, so responding briefly is best.
Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Narcissists tend to have excessive expectations from you, whether it‘s regarding your work, your appearance, or something else, says Dr. Daramus. You may find yourself struggling to meet their expectations and needing to set boundaries in order to protect yourself.
Dr. Daramus recommends thinking through the boundaries you want to set with them—based on what’s realistic for you—and writing them down, so you can refer to your notes and stand your ground when the narcissist is trying to bully or manipulate you.
Get Them to Commit to Things in Writing
Narcissists may try to gaslight you by twisting your words, denying something they said, or flat-out lying to you. They can change your sense of what’s real, so slowly over time that you don’t even realize it’s happening, says Dr. Daramus.
It can be helpful to get things in writing so you have proof of the truth. “Try to get them to text or email you their expectations and ideas, so that if they try to claim they said something different later on, you have it in their own words,” says Dr. Daramus.
For instance, Dr. Daramus recommends saying:
“Text me the time and place so we don’t have any mix-ups.”
“Since there’s been some miscommunication about my deliverables, please email me your requirements.”
“Since I’m helping cover for people on vacation, I won’t be able to do everything. Please email me your priorities.”
Remember That Their Behavior Isn’t Your Fault
Narcissists can be vicious, and their anger or rejection is going to be out of proportion to anything you’ve done, says Dr. Daramus.
Remember that none of their behavior is your fault, even if you’ve made some kind of mistake.
Before you blame yourself, Dr. Daramus recommends putting things in perspective by thinking about what a reasonable person would do in the same situation and comparing it to the narcissist’s reaction. This exercise can help you see how unreasonable and difficult they’re being.
10 Things to Say to Disarm a Narcissist
If you find yourself in an argument or confrontation with a narcissist, Carvalho suggests some phrases that can help you disarm them. She also explains how each of these phrases can help you diffuse the situation and disengage from it.
That doesn’t work for me.
Narcissists may try to make decisions for you without consulting you. It’s important to speak up for yourself and let them know if you’re not OK with what they’ve decided.
I can understand how you feel, but I feel differently.
You don’t need to try to prove who is right or wrong. You can feel and see a situation differently, and that’s fine. Trying to prove your point will give them more ammunition to use against you.
I don’t see myself that way.
Often, narcissists will try to make themselves feel better by making you feel negatively about yourself. It’s important that you stay strong in what you believe is true.
I remember it differently.
This is especially important when you’re being told by a narcissist that you might be imagining something or that it never happened. Let them know that you remember what really happened so they can’t manipulate events. Don’t let them make you doubt yourself.
I will only have a conversation with you about this if you’re willing to listen and try to understand my perspective.
Setting boundaries for the conversation upfront can help ensure that the conversation is more respectful. Otherwise, you don’t have to discuss that particular subject with them.
I’m not going to explain why this is important to me but it is.
Sometimes, we need to put a boundary in place with a narcissist but we have to be mindful that when we explain why, it gives them an opportunity to manipulate or gaslight us. In such situations, you can uphold what’s important to you without giving big explanations.
I’m not willing to talk about that.
If a narcissist brings up a subject that they know you don’t want to talk about, it’s important to assert that you’re not willing to engage with them. You don’t have to justify your reasons for not wanting to discuss it.
If you continue to speak to me like that, I will walk away.
If the conversation is becoming toxic, you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate their disrespect. State your boundaries clearly but firmly.
I’m going to step away from this conversation.
It’s important to stick to your boundaries. Realize when you need to disengage and step away to get clarity.
Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not available.
If you want to sever contact with the narcissist, politely but firmly let them know that you’re not available or interested.
Seek Help If You Need It
If you’re struggling to deal with a narcissist, it can be helpful to reach out to friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support. They can offer emotional validation, help you maintain your sense of reality, and support you while you set boundaries to protect yourself.
Talk to friends and family about what you are experiencing
Consider speaking with a therapist who has experience with narcissistic dynamics
Reach out to a mental health professional if you are experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression
Look for support groups online or in person, where you can find support who have been through similar experiences
Create a safety plan if you feel at risk, including identifying a safe space and who you can call for assistance
Give yourself permission to set boundaries, reduce contact, or end the relationship if it is negatively affecting your well-being
Narcissistic behavior can often cross the line and turn into abuse. If you live with a narcissistic abuser, there are resources that can help.
The problem-solving process involves identifying, defining, and creating strategies to solve a problem.
Organizing information and resources is crucial to effectively solve a problem.
Problem-solving is a mental process that involves discovering, analyzing, and solving problems. The ultimate goal of problem-solving is to overcome obstacles and find a solution that best resolves the issue.
The best strategy for solving a problem depends largely on the unique situation. In some cases, people are better off learning everything they can about the issue and then using factual knowledge to come up with a solution. In other instances, creativity and insight are the best options.
It is not necessary to follow problem-solving steps sequentially, It is common to skip steps or even go back through steps multiple times until the desired solution is reached.
In order to correctly solve a problem, it is often important to follow a series of steps. Researchers sometimes refer to this as the problem-solving cycle. While this cycle is portrayed sequentially, people rarely follow a rigid series of steps to find a solution.
The following steps include developing strategies and organizing knowledge.
1. Identifying the Problem
While it may seem like an obvious step, identifying the problem is not always as simple as it sounds. In some cases, people might mistakenly identify the wrong source of a problem, which will make attempts to solve it inefficient or even useless.
Some strategies that you might use to figure out the source of a problem include :
Asking questions about the problem
Breaking the problem down into smaller pieces
Looking at the problem from different perspectives
Conducting research to figure out what relationships exist between different variables
2. Defining the Problem
After the problem has been identified, it is important to fully define the problem so that it can be solved. You can define a problem by operationally defining each aspect of the problem and setting goals for what aspects of the problem you will address
At this point, you should focus on figuring out which aspects of the problems are facts and which are opinions. State the problem clearly and identify the scope of the solution.
3. Forming a Strategy
After the problem has been identified, it is time to start brainstorming potential solutions. This step usually involves generating as many ideas as possible without judging their quality. Once several possibilities have been generated, they can be evaluated and narrowed down.
The next step is to develop a strategy to solve the problem. The approach used will vary depending upon the situation and the individual’s unique preferences. Common problem-solving strategies include heuristics and algorithms.
Heuristics are mental shortcuts that are often based on solutions that have worked in the past. They can work well if the problem is similar to something you have encountered before and are often the best choice if you need a fast solution.
Algorithms are step-by-step strategies that are guaranteed to produce a correct result. While this approach is great for accuracy, it can also consume time and resources.
Heuristics are often best used when time is of the essence, while algorithms are a better choice when a decision needs to be as accurate as possible.
4. Organizing Information
Before coming up with a solution, you need to first organize the available information. What do you know about the problem? What do you not know? The more information that is available the better prepared you will be to come up with an accurate solution.
When approaching a problem, it is important to make sure that you have all the data you need. Making a decision without adequate information can lead to biased or inaccurate results.
5. Allocating Resources
Of course, we don’t always have unlimited money, time, and other resources to solve a problem. Before you begin to solve a problem, you need to determine how high priority it is.
If it is an important problem, it is probably worth allocating more resources to solving it. If, however, it is a fairly unimportant problem, then you do not want to spend too much of your available resources on coming up with a solution.
At this stage, it is important to consider all of the factors that might affect the problem at hand. This includes looking at the available resources, deadlines that need to be met, and any possible risks involved in each solution. After careful evaluation, a decision can be made about which solution to pursue.
6. Monitoring Progress
After selecting a problem-solving strategy, it is time to put the plan into action and see if it works. This step might involve trying out different solutions to see which one is the most effective.
It is also important to monitor the situation after implementing a solution to ensure that the problem has been solved and that no new problems have arisen as a result of the proposed solution.
Effective problem-solvers tend to monitor their progress as they work towards a solution. If they are not making good progress toward reaching their goal, they will reevaluate their approach or look for new strategies.
7. Evaluating the Results
After a solution has been reached, it is important to evaluate the results to determine if it is the best possible solution to the problem. This evaluation might be immediate, such as checking the results of a math problem to ensure the answer is correct, or it can be delayed, such as evaluating the success of a therapy program after several months of treatment.
Get Advice From The Verywell Mind Podcast
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how you can stop dwelling in a negative mindset.
Practicing brainstorming and coming up with multiple potential solutions to problems
Being open-minded and considering all possible options before making a decision
Breaking down problems into smaller, more manageable pieces
Asking for help when needed
Researching different problem-solving techniques and trying out new ones
Learning from mistakes and using them as opportunities to grow
How can I solve problems in my relationship?
It’s important to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about what’s going on. Try to see things from their perspective as well as your own. Work together to find a resolution that works for both of you. Be willing to compromise and accept that there may not be a perfect solution.
Take breaks if things are getting too heated, and come back to the problem when you feel calm and collected. Don’t try to fix every problem on your own—consider asking a therapist or counselor for help and insight.
What if there is no solution to my problem?
If you’ve tried everything and there doesn’t seem to be a way to fix the problem, you may have to learn to accept it. This can be difficult, but try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and remember that every situation is temporary. Don’t dwell on what’s going wrong—instead, think about what’s going right. Find support by talking to friends or family. Seek professional help if you’re having trouble coping.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Davidson JE, Sternberg RJ, editors. The Psychology of Problem Solving. Cambridge University Press; 2003. doi:10.1017/CBO9780511615771
Freud believed that human personality is influenced by the constant interaction between the id, ego, and superego.
Unconscious thoughts, dreams, and memories continue to influence behavior, and these can be accessed through dreams and free association.
His theory of psychosexual development suggested that early childhood has an important role in behavioral and emotional health later in life.
Sigmund Freud’s theories provide a framework for understanding how the human mind works, why people behave the way they do, and what influences our thoughts and behaviors. Freud’s key ideas, including his concept of the unconscious mind, his structural model of the psyche, and his psychosexual theory of development, served as the basis for psychoanalysis.
Library of Congress / Contributor / Getty Images
Overview of Freud’s Theories
If you’ve ever taken or are currently taking psychology, chances are that you’ve spent a fair amount of time learning about Sigmund Freud’s theory. Even those outside the psychology field often have some awareness of Freudian psychoanalysis, the school of thought created by Sigmund Freud.
In simple terms, Freud’s theory suggests that unconscious memories, thoughts, and urges influence human behavior. This theory also proposes that the psyche comprises three aspects: the id, ego, and superego. The id is entirely unconscious, while the ego operates in the conscious mind. The superego operates both unconsciously and consciously.
Knowing more about Freudian psychology, along with the key concepts in psychoanalysis—like the unconscious, fixations, defense mechanisms, and dream symbols—can help you understand the influence Freud’s theories have had on contemporary psychologists.
Click Play to Learn More About Sigmund Freud’s Theories
Sigmund Freud’s Theory of Talk Therapy
One of Freud’s greatest contributions to psychology was talk therapy, the notion that simply talking about problems can help alleviate them. It was through his association with his close friend and colleague, Josef Breuer, that Freud became aware of a woman known in the case history as Anna O.
The young woman’s real name was Bertha Pappenheim. She became a patient of Breuer’s after suffering a bout of what was then known as hysteria. Symptoms included blurred vision, hallucinations, and partial paralysis.
Breuer observed that discussing her experiences provided some relief from her symptoms. It was Pappenheim herself who began referring to the treatment as the “talking cure.”
While Anna O. is often described as one of Freud’s patients, the two never actually met. Freud often discussed her case with Breuer, however, and the two collaborated on an 1895 book based on her treatment titled Studies in Hysteria.
Freud concluded that her hysteria was the result of childhood sexual abuse, a view that ended up leading to a rift in Freud and Breuer’s professional and personal relationship. Anna O. may not have actually been Freud’s patient, but her case informed much of Freud’s work and later theories on therapy and psychoanalysis.
Freud’s Theory of Personality
According to Freud’s theory, there are a few different factors that affect personality. They include cathexis and anticathexis, along with life and death instincts.
Cathexis and Anticathexis
According to Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, all psychic energy is generated by libido. Freud suggested that our mental states were influenced by two competing forces: cathexis and anticathexis.
Cathexis was described as an investment of mental energy in a person, idea, or object.
Anticathexis involves the ego blocking the socially unacceptable needs of the id. Repressing urges and desires is one common form of anticathexis, but this involves a significant investment of energy.
If you are hungry, for example, you might create a mental image of a delicious meal that you have been craving. In other cases, the ego might harness some energy from the id (the primitive mind) to seek out activities related to the desire in order to disperse excess energy from the id.
Sticking with the same example, if you can’t actually seek out food to appease your hunger, you might instead thumb through a cookbook or browse through your favorite recipe blog.
According to Freud’s theory, there is only so much libidinal energy available. When a lot of energy is devoted to suppressing urges via anticathexis, there is less energy for other processes.
Life instincts (Eros) are those that relate to a basic need for survival, reproduction, and pleasure. They include such things as the need for food, shelter, love, and sex.
Death instincts (Thanatos) are the result of an unconscious wish for death, which Freud believed all humans have. Self-destructive behavior was one expression of the death drive, according to Freud. However, he believed that these death instincts were largely tempered by life instincts.
The consciousmind includes all the things we are aware of or can easily bring into awareness.
The unconsciousmind, on the other hand, includes all of the things outside of our awareness—all of the wishes, desires, hopes, urges, and memories that we aren’t aware of yet continue to influence behavior.
Freudian psychology compares the mind to an iceberg. The tip of the iceberg that is actually visible above the water represents just a tiny portion of the mind. On the other hand, the huge expanse of ice hidden underneath the water represents the much larger unconscious.
There is some question as to whether the iceberg metaphor came from Freud himself or one of his biographers, as some researchers indicate that there was no mention of an iceberg in Freud’s writings.
In addition to these two main components of the mind, Freudian theory also divides human personality into three major components: the id, ego, and superego.
The id is the most primitive part of the personality that is the source of all our most basic urges. The id is entirely unconscious and serves as the source of all libidinal energy.
The ego is the component of personality that deals with reality and helps ensure that the demands of the id are satisfied in ways that are realistic, safe, and socially acceptable.
The superego is the part of the personality that holds all of the internalized morals and standards that we acquire from our parents, family, and society at large.
Freud’s Theory of Psychosexual Development
Freudian theory suggests that as children develop, they progress through a series of psychosexual stages. At each stage, the libido’s pleasure-seeking energy is focused on a different part of the body.
The five stages of psychosexual development are:
The oral stage: The libidinal energies are focused on the mouth.
The anal stage: The libidinal energies are focused on the anus.
The phallic stage: The libidinal energies are focused on the penis or clitoris.
The latent stage: A period of calm in which little libidinal interest is present.
The genital stage: The libidinal energies are focused on the genitals.
The successful completion of each stage leads to a healthy personality as an adult. If, however, a conflict remains unresolved at any particular stage, the individual might remain fixated or stuck at that particular point of development.
A fixation can involve an over-dependence or obsession with something related to that phase of development. For example, a person with an “oral fixation” is believed to be stuck at the oral stage of development. Signs of an oral fixation might include excessive reliance on oral behaviors such as smoking, biting fingernails, or eating.
Freud’s Theory of Dream Analysis
The unconscious mind played a critical role in all of Freud’s theories, and he considered dreams to be one of the key ways to take a peek into what lies outside our conscious awareness.
He dubbed dreams “the royal road to the unconscious” and believed that by examining dreams, he could see not only how the unconscious mind works but also what it is trying to hide from conscious awareness.
Freud believed the content of dreams could be broken down into two different types:
The manifest content of a dream included all the actual content of the dream—the events, images, and thoughts contained within the dream. The manifest content is essentially what the dreamer remembers upon waking.
The latent content, on the other hand, is all the hidden and symbolic meanings within the dream. Freud believed that dreams were essentially a form of wish fulfillment. By taking unconscious thoughts, feelings, and desires and transforming them into less threatening forms, people are able to reduce the ego’s anxiety.
Freud often utilized the analysis of dreams as a starting point in his free association technique. When working with a client, he would focus on a particular dream symbol, then use free association to see what other thoughts and images immediately came to the client’s mind.
Freud’s Theory of Defense Mechanisms
Even if you’ve never studied Freud’s theories before, you have probably heard the term “defense mechanisms.” When someone seems unwilling to face a painful truth, you might accuse them of being “in denial.” If they try to look for a logical explanation for unacceptable behavior, you might suggest that they are “rationalizing.”
Denial and rationalization represent different types of defense mechanisms, or tactics that the ego uses to protect itself from anxiety. Some of the best-known mechanisms of defense include denial, repression, and regression, but there are many more.
Freud’s Theory of Female Psychology
Freud’s perspective on women was, and continues to be, one of his most controversial. One of his theories relating to female psychology is known as the Electra complex, also sometimes referred to as penis envy.
According to Freud, females start out close to their mothers. But once they realize they don’t have a penis, they start to hate their moms for mutilating them, then become close to their dad. At the same time, females start to imitate their mom because they fear the loss of her affection.
The Electra complex is the opposite of the Oedipus complex, which Freud contended is when a male child develops a sexual attachment to his mother, viewing his father as a sexual rival.
Freud’s Ideas About Religion
Freud theorized that religious beliefs are essentially delusions, and also that turning away from these types of ideologies is preferable because religion does not lead to happiness and fulfillment; in fact, it is a belief structure not based on evidence.
Freud felt that a person’s religious views were, at least in part, a result of their relationship with their father. He believed that people tend to depict their idea of a “God” based on the qualities and traits of the father figure in their life and that these qualities changed as their relationship with their father changed.
It is believed that Freud’s theory of religion was influenced by his relationship with his own father. Freud had a Jewish upbringing, which he said he had no desire to change, yet he also stated that he was “completely estranged from the religion of his fathers—as well as from every other religion.”
The Lasting Impact of Freud’s Work
While Freud’s theories have been widely criticized, they are still important because his work has made contributions to psychology as we know it today.
Psychotherapy
Many contemporary psychologists do not give credence to Freud’s ideas, but the theories remain important. Research has validated the effectiveness of various forms of talk therapy, including one finding that psychodynamic therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy were both effective for treating depression.
Freud’s belief that mental problems could be resolved by actually talking about them helped revolutionize psychotherapy.
When the patient and analyst are well suited to work together, they can see how the patient’s past gets reactivated in their current therapy and much learning takes place.
Freud’s theories have also sparked a major change in how we view mental illness by suggesting that not all psychological problems have physiological causes.
Science
Freud’s contributions have also impacted the foundational science of what we know about psychology today. His idea that our thoughts are largely unconscious has withstood scientific scrutiny, for instance, retaining their importance in understanding human development and behavior.
Culture
Freud has even influenced thoughts about how society has formed into what it is today. Some believe that his theories help explain some of the successes of modern society while also explaining some of its failures.
To understand where psychology is today, it is essential to take a look at where we’ve been and how we got here. Freud’s work provides insight into an important movement in psychology that helped transform how we think about mental health and how we approach psychological disorders.
By studying Freud’s theories and those that came after, you gain a better understanding of psychology’s fascinating history. Many terms such as defense mechanism, Freudian slip, and anal retentive have become a part of our everyday language. By learning about his work and theories, you can understand how these ideas and concepts became woven into the fabric of popular culture.
Frequently Asked Questions
How did Freud develop his theory?
After starting his career as a doctor at Vienna General Hospital, Freud entered private practice, specializing in the treatment of psychological disorders. It was during this time in private practice that Freud started to develop his theories.
These theories were later refined through Freud’s associations with Josef Breuer, a colleague and friend who was treating a patient with hysteria. Based on this case, Freud developed the theory that many neuroses originate from trauma that has transitioned from the conscious mind to the unconscious mind.
How did Erikson’s theory differ from Freud’s?
While Freud’s psychosexual theory is rooted in basic needs and physiological driving forces, Erikson’s psychosocial theory places more emphasis on one’s environment.
Erikson’s and Freud’s theories also vary in terms of stages of development. For instance, the first stage of development according to Freudian theory is the oral stage, while the first stage of development according to Erikson’s theory is trust versus mistrust.
Another difference is the length of development, with Freud believing that most development occurs in early childhood and Erikson contending that people continue to develop well into their adult years.
What are some positive qualities of Freud’s theory?
Freud’s theory has shaped the field of psychology, both in theory and treatment applications. It has also inspired others in the field to better understand the mind and how it develops, developing their own theories in turn. Without Freud, we might not have talk therapy, which research supports for helping people manage and treat mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.
Why is Freud’s psychosexual theory of personality so controversial?
Freud’s psychosexual theory is hard to test scientifically, leaving questions about its validity. Another concern is that the theory is based on case studies versus research. Some have issues with Freud’s theory being focused more on male psychosexual development, offering very little insight into females.
It also refers to homosexual preferences as a deviation of normal psychosexual development, though many psychologists today feel that sexual orientation is more biological in nature.
Deep conversation starters help you learn more about other people and forge closer social connections.
Asking thoughtful questions about a person’s interests, memories, dreams, and values helps you get to know them better and builds trust.
Ask open-ended questions, stay curious, and listen actively so that people feel comfortable and understood.
Deep conversation starters help you move beyond small talk and open the doors to more meaningful, honest, and emotionally resonant connections. These conversation starters often focus on hypothetical situations, past experiences, emotions, fears, dreams, and values. For example, deep questions might focus on a favorite childhood memory or causes that a person is most passionate about.
Unfortunately, researchers have found that while people benefit from deep conversations, people often stick to small talk because they overestimate how awkward these conversations will be.
Deep Questions About Love and Relationships
These are some conversation starters that can help you have a meaningful conversation about love and relationships:
Have you ever been in love? What was your first experience with love?
What does love mean to you? How would you describe it?
What do you think about love at first sight?
What are your thoughts about the idea of soul mates?
What qualities do you value most in a partner? Why are they important to you?
What do you believe are the key ingredients for a successful relationship?
What do you consider a deal breaker in a relationship?
What is the worst date you’ve ever been on?
What would your ideal date involve?
What is your love language? How do you like to give and receive love?
What lessons have you learned about love from your upbringing? What are ideas about love that you are learning or unlearning?
Who are your relationship role models?
What are your long-term relationship goals? What does life and retirement look like with your loved one by your side?
Tell me about a time when you felt truly loved and understood in a relationship. What made it special?
Have you ever been deeply hurt or hurt someone badly in a relationship? What happened?
What is the worst disagreement or fight you’ve had in a relationship? How did you solve it?
What is your biggest regret from your past relationships?
What are your current relationships like with your ex-partners?
What is the most valuable lesson you’ve learned in a relationship?
How do you maintain a healthy balance between independence and togetherness in a relationship?
Questions About Dreams, Wishes, and Values
These are some conversation starters that can help you have a meaningful conversation about wishes, dreams, and values:
What did you want to be when you were young?
What is your dream job now?
Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
If you could have three wishes granted to you right now, what would you ask for?
If money weren’t an issue and you could do anything in the world, what would you do?
Which skill do you want to learn/improve on?
What does happiness look like to you?
What are the things you are most grateful for?
What are your biggest challenges right now?
What legacy or impact would you like to leave behind in the world? How would you like to be remembered by others?
Conversations About Childhood and Upbringing
These are some conversation starters that can help you have a meaningful conversation about childhood and upbringing:
What is your most cherished memory of growing up?
What is your relationship with your parents/siblings like?
What are qualities about your parents/siblings that you like and admire, and what are characteristics they have that are more challenging?
What was it like being the oldest/youngest/middle/only child of the family?
What were holidays or vacations like in your family?
How does your family celebrate important occasions?
What does “home” mean to you?
Which meal or dish reminds you most of home?
What was growing up in your hometown like?
Who are the people who have made you who you are today?
“Meaningful conversations help us understand ourselves and the people around us better. They involve sharing important aspects of ourselves, and actively listening to, validating, and connecting with others,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.
Meaningful Conversations vs. Small Talk
While small talk, typically casual and lighthearted, can help break the ice, it may not necessarily help you form a deep, emotional bond with someone. These are some of the differences between meaningful conversations and small talk, according to Dr. Romanoff.
Casual Small Talk
Lighthearted
Casual and fun
Doesn’t need much effort
Shields vulnerabilities
Can be with just about anyone
Establishes common ground and sets the stage for deeper connections
According to researchers, conversation is a useful source of learning and serves as a central part of society and culture. It allows people to:
Communicate norms
Convey morality
Share knowledge
Offer differing perspectives
Create a shared understanding
At the same time, experts have found that people underestimate what they’ll learn from these conversations. This discourages them from participating in conversations and becomes an obstacle when it comes to learning from others.
How to Have a Meaningful Conversation
Dr. Romanoff shares some tips that can help you have a meaningful conversation with someone:
Ask open-ended questions and invite the other person to describe what a situation was like for them or how they felt.
Be vulnerable and share information about yourself. Consider sharing personal information first to gain the other person’s trust.
Adopt an attitude of curiosity and genuine interest in what the person is saying.
Be thoughtful and try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to see things from their perspective.
Empathize with them and offer emotional validation, so they feel seen and heard.
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Opening up to someone and modeling the type of meaningful conversation you hope to have is a great way to help make them feel emotionally safe and willing to do the same.
— Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
You may feel nervous about trying to initiate deep conversations with a friend, loved one, or someone you don’t know very well just yet, but learning more about them—and allowing them to learn more about you—is a great way to deepen your connection and build the kind of intimacy that helps sustain relationships over the long term. The more you learn and the more you share about yourself, the easier it will be to have more intimate conversations in the future without feeling uncomfortable.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/VWM-GettyImages-2214844278-09a81bcd542745cdb6f5998bba8d623e.jpg)
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/IMG_9791-89504ab694d54b66bbd72cb84ffb860e.jpg)
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/GettyImages-610446066-06447bbee5714417858ebed4e9a2b9bc.jpg)
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/GettyImages-515296504-81e4865310b14a229157e7d9ab151634.jpg)
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/SanjanaGupta-d217a6bfa3094955b3361e021f77fcca.jpg)