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How to Keep Housework From Hurting Your Marriage
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Key Takeaways
- Share housework duties equally to keep your marriage happy.
- Talk with your partner about chore priorities and make a list.
- If necessary, hire outside help to lessen the housework load.
When you or your partner is unhappy about the allocation of household chores, the stress level in your home can increase tremendously. Researchers have found that the unequal distribution of housework is one of the top stressors in many relationships. For example, one study found that wives reported that one of their top sources of stress was the fact that their husbands didn’t want to do their share of work around the house.
While such research often reflects how traditional gender roles influence household duties, the uneven distribution of housework is not limited to heterosexual married couples. Couples who cohabitate as romantic partners are often prone to the same problems. Same-sex couples tend to divide chores more equally, although evidence suggests that this tends to change somewhat once they have children. Research also suggests that transgender and gender non-conforming couples manage housework and other duties in a more egalitarian fashion.
What may matter more than whether unpaid labor is divided 50/50 is how each individual in the relationship feels about the division of household duties. Stress levels increase in your home when either of you is unhappy about unfinished chores. Couples fight over who does what around the house almost as much as they fight over money.
Surveys and studies consistently point out that even though many women work outside the home, they still tend to do most household chores. Evidence also indicates that this disparity was exacerbated significantly by the COVID-19 pandemic.
Reasons Why Housework May Not Be Evenly Distributed
In the past, the division of housework was generally attributed to differences in the labor force; men were more likely to work full-time outside the home, while women were more likely to perform the unpaid labor of managing the household.
Despite shifts in these traditional roles and employment trends, evidence indicates that women are still primarily tasked with the physical and emotional labor of running a household and caring for a family.
What factors contribute to the uneven distribution of housework? Some that may play a part include:
Traditional Gender Roles
Gendered expectations for how men and women are expected to behave and the roles they are expected to play in a family often significantly influence how housework is divided. Chores that involve greater autonomy are often perceived as “men’s work,” whereas repetitive, mundane chores (like doing laundry or dishes) are frequently viewed as “women’s work.”
One study found that traditional gender roles were associated with imbalanced household contributions. This imbalance was also linked to increased work-family conflict.
Beliefs About Equality
Individual beliefs about how work should be divided can influence who performs certain household tasks. Evidence suggests that couples who believe the work should be evenly divided are happier than those who don’t.
Let’s Repeat That
Evidence suggests that couples who believe the work should be evenly divided are happier than those who don’t.
Social Policies
Social policies, such as lack of paid family leave and access to affordable healthcare, can also affect how household labor is divided. For example, the lack of paternity/maternity leave, affordable child care, and workplace protections for pregnant and nursing people can make it difficult for parents to take time off work during critical periods (such as after the birth of a child). It can also make it difficult for parents to return to the workforce.
Weaponized Incompetence
Weaponized incompetence involves pretending to be bad at tasks to avoid participating in shared responsibilities. Feigning ineptitude when it comes to housework, such as folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, or tidying up rooms, foists these duties onto the other partner, who often takes over to ensure that these necessary household chores are finished correctly.
This behavior is generally associated with cishet relationships where men act incompetent to force their female partners to take on most (or even all) of the household duties. However, it can also happen in other types of relationships, including same-sex relationships and friendships.
It is a passive-aggressive way of avoiding housework and parenting duties, and it causes significant harm to relationships. The partner who does all these tasks feels alone, manipulated, and overworked. It also communicates that the person shirking their duties does not respect their partner enough to share the load. This impairs intimacy and makes it difficult for a person to feel that they can trust their partner.
Recap
The uneven distribution of housework happens for a variety of reasons, including individual expectations, belief in traditional gender roles, weaponized incompetence, and social policies that affect family life.
Impact of Uneven Housework
Relationships and marriage are partnerships that involve the practical business of running the household. Aspects of household duties that couples share include:
- Cleaning
- Childcare
- Cooking
- Home maintenance
- Managing finances
- Planning
- Scheduling family activities
- Shopping
- Transportation
When the practical aspects run smoothly, there is more peace and harmony. However, research suggests that individual perceptions about the fairness of how tasks are divided are more important than having an actual 50/50 divide in the work.
So what happens when housework isn’t distributed fairly and equitably to each person in the relationship?
- Decreased marital satisfaction: When one partner feels that they do more than their fair share, they are less satisfied with their relationship.
- Increased distress: Research has shown that thinking about the “double burden” of being responsible for both home and work leads to significant distress.
- Worse mental health: Studies have found that women overburdened with excessive housework experience more symptoms of depression.
- Increase risk for divorce: A 2016 study found that the uneven division of unpaid and paid labor was the strongest economic risk factor for divorce.
How to Share Housework
The biggest mistake you can make in your quest to have your partner do more chores around the house is to ask for help. Asking for help implies that the responsibility for the chores belongs to just you.
In actuality, chores are shared responsibilities, and doing a good job of dividing up the housework is essential to ensure a happy marriage. Here’s how to do it.
Learn About Priorities
Set your priorities as a couple. What is truly important to each of you? Many couples find they look at the division of chores differently. Domestic disorder simply doesn’t bother some people. But if you are comfortable with a messy home and it bothers your spouse, you both need to compromise.
Compromise works best if you select priorities rather than trying to completely satisfy both partners.
Discuss how you both feel about home-cooked meals versus quick meals or eating out now and then. Find out your own and each other’s feelings about dust, a clean toilet, an unmade bed, a perfectly manicured lawn, paying bills on time, and so forth. If one of you feels that a toilet should be cleaned every two or three days, then you need to share that information so you can understand what you each feel is important.
Anticipate Roadblocks
Sit down together and make a list of the chores that each of you absolutely hates to do. What one hates, the other may be able to tolerate. If both of you detest the same chore, figure out a way to compromise to get this unpleasant task done. Or perhaps you could tackle the horrid chore together as a team. After dinner, one of you washes dishes while the other dries, which can actually become additional quality time spent together.
Agree on a Timetable
It is important, too, to be considerate of one another’s body clocks. Some folks are morning people and some folks are night owls. Forcing one another to do a project or chore when they really aren’t ready to do it only creates tension. Timing is important.
Touch Base on a Plan Each Week
Let one another know what the coming week is going to be like: meetings, errands, special occasions, etc. Then decide who is going to do what, make a list, and post the list. Then let it go.
Don’t nag each other about what you volunteered to do. If the task hasn’t been done by the following week when you next sit down to share expectations, that’s the time to bring it up.
Keep Reevaluating
If one of you doesn’t follow through on promises to do your share of the work around your home, try and discover together why there is such reluctance. Sometimes one partner overcommits or underestimates the time it takes to get something done.
Blaming your partner for what hasn’t been accomplished will not be effective. Reevaluate your plan and adjust as needed.
Be flexible and allow your partner to accomplish tasks in their own way. If having the towels folded a certain way is super important to you, then do it yourself.
If, after discussing the situation, the two of you really can’t get things done, then you need to make some choices. Look at some areas of your house and yard that you may want to cut back on to save both time and money. Or try to get your home organized so it runs more efficiently.
Ask yourself if some chores even have to be done on a regular basis. For instance:
- If mowing the lawn is taking too much time, try replacing grass with wildflowers.
- If you hate ironing, give away the clothes that need ironing and toss the iron.
- Do you really care if the windows sparkle?
Recap
After a re-examination of your standard of housekeeping, your chores may become less draining emotionally and physically.
Hire Help
If you can’t or don’t want to lower your standards, you can hire some outside help if your budget can handle it. It requires some organization on your part to create a list of tasks.
You can hire someone to clean your bathrooms, vacuum, dust, shine windows, change bed linens, iron, mend, or take down seasonal items. This should not be viewed as help for one partner (the wife, for example) but for both partners.
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What Is Biopsychology? Study of the Brain and Behavior
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Key Takeaways
- Biopsychology looks at how the brain and neurotransmitters affect our thoughts and actions.
- Neurotransmitters are chemicals that help send signals in the brain and body.
Biopsychology is an interdisciplinary branch of psychology that analyzes how the brain, neurotransmitters, and other aspects of our biology influence our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. This field of psychology is also sometimes known as physiological psychology, behavioral neuroscience, or psychobiology.
Biopsychologists often examine how biological processes interact with emotions, cognitions, and other mental functions. The field of biopsychology is related to several other areas, including comparative psychology and evolutionary psychology.
Brief History of Biopsychology
While biopsychology might seem like a fairly recent development thanks to the introduction of advanced tools and technology for examining the brain, the roots of the field date back thousands of years to the time of the early philosophers.
While we now consider the mind and brain synonymous, philosophers and psychologists long debated what was known as the mind/body problem. Philosophers and other thinkers wondered what the relationship was between the mental world and the physical world.
This is not just a historical debate, however. The question remains an important topic in psychology and neuroscience today. It questions how the subjective experiences of the mind, including emotions and thoughts, interact or arise from the brain and body’s physical processes.
Philosophers’ Views on Biopsychology
One important thing to remember is that it is only fairly recently in human history that people have come to understand the actual location of the mind.
Aristotle, for example, taught that our thoughts and feelings arose from the heart. Greek thinkers such as Hippocrates and later Plato suggested that the brain was where the mind resides and that it served as the source of all thought and action.
Later thinkers such as Rene Descartes and Leonardo da Vinci introduced theories about how the nervous system operated. While these early theories were later proven wrong, they did establish the important idea that external stimulation could lead to muscle responses.
It was Descartes who introduced the concept of the reflex, although later researchers demonstrated it was the spinal cord that played a critical role in these muscle responses.
Link Between Biopsychology and Human Behavior
Researchers also became interested in understanding how different parts of the brain control human behavior. One early attempt at understanding this led to the development of a pseudoscience known as phrenology.
What Was Phrenology?
Phrenology was a popular pseudoscience suggesting that certain human faculties could be linked to bumps and indentations of the brain, which could be felt on the surface of the skull.
While phrenology became quite popular, other scientists soon dismissed it as a pseudoscience. However, the idea that certain parts of the brain were responsible for specific functions played an essential role in the development of future brain research.
The famous case of Phineas Gage, a railroad worker who experienced a devastating brain injury, also influenced our understanding of how damage to certain parts of the brain could impact behavior and functioning.
Newer Biopsychology Research
Since those early influences, researchers have continued to make important discoveries about how the brain works and the biological underpinnings of behavior.
Research on evolution, the localization of brain function, neurons, and neurotransmitters have advanced our understanding of how biological processes impact thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
If you are interested in the field of biopsychology, then it is essential to understand biological processes, basic anatomy, and physiology. Three of the most important components to understand are the brain, the nervous system, and neurotransmitters.
The Brain and Nervous System
The central nervous system (CNS) is composed of the brain and spinal cord. The outermost part of the brain is known as the cerebral cortex. This portion of the brain is responsible for functioning in cognition, sensation, motor skills, and emotions.
The brain is comprised of four lobes:
- Frontal lobe: This portion of the brain is involved in motor skills, higher-level cognition, and expressive language.
- Occipital lobe: This portion of the brain is involved in interpreting visual stimuli and information.
- Parietal lobe: This portion of the brain is involved in the processing of tactile sensory information such as pressure, touch, and pain as well as several other functions.
- Temporal lobe: This portion of the brain is involved in the interpretation of the sounds and language we hear, memory processing, as well as other functions.
Another important part of the nervous system is the peripheral nervous system, which is divided into two parts:
- The motor (efferent) division connects the central nervous system to the muscles and glands.
- The sensory (afferent) division carries all types of sensory information to the central nervous system.
Another component of the nervous system is the autonomic nervous system, which regulates automatic processes such as heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure. There are two parts of the autonomic nervous system:
- The parasympathetic nervous system: This brings your body back to a state of rest and regulates processes such as digestion.
- The sympathetic nervous system: This controls the “fight or flight” response, a reflex that prepares the body to respond to danger or stress in the environment.
Neurotransmitters
Also important in the field of biopsychology are the actions of neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters carry information between neurons and enable chemical messages to be sent from one part of the body to the brain, and vice versa.
There are a variety of neurotransmitters that affect the body in different ways. For example, the neurotransmitter dopamine is involved in movement and learning. Excessive amounts of dopamine have been associated with psychological disorders such as schizophrenia, while too little dopamine is associated with Parkinson’s disease.
A biopsychologist might study the various neurotransmitters to determine their effects on human behavior. Understanding the effects of these neurotransmitters helps researchers learn more about what causes mental health conditions and develop new treatments that may help.
Tests Used in Biopsychology
Researchers utilize several different tests to study the human brain and nervous system. Brain imaging techniques can be categorized into two main categories: techniques that study the electrical activity in the brain and techniques that study changes in blood flow in areas of the brain associated with brain activity. Two that are commonly used are:
fMRI
Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) involves scanning the brain to measure blood flow by examining blood oxygenation and flow. Higher blood flow and oxygenation in an area of the brain indicate higher activity levels.
EEG
An electroencephalogram (EEG) is used to measure electrical currents on the surface of the brain. It can be used to monitor activity levels and detect changes in consciousness.
Using an EEG, researchers can observe event-related potential (ERPs), which are spikes in activity related to specific stimuli or thoughts
These brain imaging techniques are often used to observe brain activity as people engage in different kinds of motor, cognitive, and perceptual tasks.
Career Opportunities in Biopsychology
If you are interested in a career in the area of biopsychology, then you have quite a few different options. Some who enter this type of field choose to work in research where they might work at a university, drug company, government agency, or other industry.
Others choose to work with patients to help those who have experienced some type of brain damage or disease that has had an impact on their behavior and functioning.
The following are just a few of the career specializations that are related to biopsychology:
- Behavioral neuroscientist: Analyzes how the brain, nervous system, and other organs impact behavior
- Cognitive neuroscientist: Investigates brain activity and scans to research how people think, learn, and solve problems
- Comparative psychologist: Looks at the behaviors of different species and compares them to each other and to humans
- Evolutionary psychologist: Examines the evolutionary bases of behavior
- Neurologist: Treats patients with damage or disease that affects the brain and nervous system
Biopsychology is one way of thinking about human psychology. This perspective has allowed researchers to gain a greater understanding of how the brain and nervous system influence human behavior.
By studying normal brain functioning as well as how brain disease and injury influence behaviors, feelings, and thoughts, researchers are able to come up with new ways of treating potential problems that people may experience.
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Causes, Symptoms, Impact, and Coping
Key Takeaways
- Acknowledge the betrayal and consider its impact on your life.
- Seek support from a friend or therapist instead of isolating yourself.
Betrayal trauma describes the emotional impact a person experiences after their trust or well-being is violated, either by people or institutions that are significant in their life.
“This type of trauma usually relates to primary attachment figures like a parent, caregiver, or other important relationship from childhood. In adulthood, it tends to repeat among romantic partners,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.
This article explores the causes, symptoms, and impact of betrayal trauma, as well as some coping mechanisms that may be helpful.
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Origin of the Betrayal Trauma Theory
The betrayal trauma theory was proposed in 1991 by Jennifer Freyd, PhD, an American psychology researcher, author, and educator.
According to the theory, someone may experience betrayal trauma when:
- They are terrified, sometimes for their physical safety or their life.
- They are betrayed by someone who they depend on for survival, such as a parent or caregiver, on whom they rely for food, shelter, and other basic needs.
The theory lists experiences like physical, sexual, or sadistic abuse in childhood by a caregiver as examples of traumatic betrayals. The betrayal can cause children to develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), particularly if the incident caused a lot of fear.
The theory notes that the child may be more likely to block the abuse or betrayal from their mind and develop dissociative amnesia if they are dependent on the caregiver for their daily needs and survival. The child’s brain essentially ignores the betrayal in order to maintain their relationship with their caregiver and survive.
Otherwise, if the child processed the betrayal normally, they may start to avoid the caregiver and stop interacting with them which could threaten their survival.
Impact and Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma
Below, Dr. Romanoff explains the impact of betrayal trauma and the symptoms a person may experience as a result.
Impact of Betrayal Trauma
What makes betrayal trauma so painful is that the person who is betrayed often cannot simply sever their relationship with the perpetrator.
In the instance of a parent or caregiver who is abusive or acts in a way that betrays a child’s trust, the child remains reliant on them even though the parent is no longer dependable or safe. This creates a complex relationship with primary attachment figures who are simultaneously providing harm and support.
These children may grow up to be adults who end up in relationships with partners who violate their needs in familiar ways. In order to reconcile the two opposites of people who provide harm and care, they tend to avoid processing damaging behavior, normalize unhealthy behaviors, fabricate fantasies to compensate for painful memories, or even blame themselves.
At the core, people who have experienced betrayal trauma tend to dissociate from the trauma. In turn, they struggle with the consequences of extreme dissociation of their emotions, feelings, and reactions to the trauma. It’s common for people to self-medicate with substances, food, relationships, sex, or other forms of distraction.
Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma can have a severe impact on the person and cause them to experience symptoms or health conditions such as:
- PTSD
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Dissociation
- Difficulty concentrating
- Emotional dysregulation
- Trust and relationship issues
- Physical pain and gastrointestinal issues
- Substance abuse
- Eating disorders
Causes of Betrayal Trauma
Below, Dr. Romanoff explains some of the causes of betrayal trauma, in childhood and adulthood.
Childhood Trauma
Abuse experienced in childhood is one of the most common causes of betrayal trauma. It can include physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse.
Trauma in Adulthood
In adulthood, betrayal trauma is usually experienced in relationships with intimate partners, especially if a person has experienced trauma in the past. However, people may also experience betrayal trauma at the hands of others such as a close friend, colleague, or other person in their life.
Someone can also experience institutional betrayal, which occurs when an institution that someone relies upon fails to prevent or appropriately respond to wrongdoings by individuals within the context of the institution (for instance, in cases of sexual assault at a workplace or school).
Betrayal trauma in adulthood could look like:
- Physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal abuse
- Infidelity
- Revelations of financial problems or significant debt
- Ulterior motives or other secretive behaviors
Coping With Betrayal Trauma
If you have experienced betrayal trauma, Dr. Romanoff suggests some steps that can help you cope:
- Acknowledge the betrayal: The first step is acknowledging how you were betrayed and hurt. Be honest with yourself and consider the impact of the betrayal on the relationship and your life.
- Write your feelings in a journal: You may find relief through writing down your feelings in a journal. It can help you identify the emotions you’re experiencing and create space to reflect on them, instead of suppressing or avoiding them.
- Process your emotions: Confronting the trauma you experienced in the past can bring up a lot of emotions, including grief, fear, anger, regret, loss, and anxiety. It’s important to process these emotions so you can start healing.
- Seek support or treatment: It is also helpful to seek support by talking with a friend or therapist. People who have experienced betrayal trauma often feel like they can only rely on themselves and tend to isolate themselves when they are betrayed. Instead, it is important to do the opposite and reach out for support or treatment.
- Set boundaries: If the person who betrayed you is still in your life in some capacity, set firm boundaries in your relationship with them to protect your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
- Recognize patterns: If you have experienced betrayal trauma in the past, it’s important to recognize whether it’s affecting your relationships in the present. Understand that you deserve to have relationships that are mutually supportive and beneficial.
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Masochist vs. Sadist: Types and Signs
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Key Takeaways
- A masochist enjoys receiving pain, while a sadist enjoys inflicting it.
- Masochism can be part of a healthy sex life when practiced safely and consensually.
- If masochistic tendencies lead to harm or distress, seeking help from a mental health professional is important.
While sadism and masochism are sometimes confused, they have different meanings. A masochist is someone who enjoys receiving pain, while a sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting it.
A masochistic person gains pleasure from experiencing various forms of pain. This can involve gaining sexual pleasure from pain or humiliation, but it can also refer to situations where people seek out or enjoy activities that create distress, discomfort, or pain.
Masochism is associated with BDSM, an acronym for sexual practices that involve bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. A sexual masochist experiences sexual pleasure in response to pain, denial, or humiliation. A sexual sadist, on the other hand, derives sexual pleasure from inflicting pain, denial, or humiliation.
However, masochism can also apply to more general and often less healthy behaviors. In such cases, a masochist might engage in actions or accept treatment from others that are hurtful, degrading, or physically or emotionally painful, causing the individual to feel anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, or other distressing feelings. Sadism is problematic when it occurs outside of a consensual relationship and crosses the line into sexual aggression or violence.
Masochist vs. Sadist
While ‘sadist‘ and ‘masochist‘ are often linked, they have different meanings.
- A sadist is a person who derives pleasure, including sexual gratification, from inflicting pain or humiliation on others. In the context of BDSM, this is practiced with consent and shared interest. The term may also be used to refer to those who enjoy being cruel and hurtful.
- A masochist, on the other hand, finds pleasure in experiencing denial, degradation, or physical pain.
Types of Masochism
While sexual masochism often comes to mind when people hear the term, other non-sexual forms of masochism exist.
The psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud described three types of masochism:
- Erotic (sexual)
- Feminine (psychological)
- Moral
The first two would be described today as sexual masochism and psychological masochism. Other researchers have also suggested adding a fourth type known as adaptive masochism:
- Sexual masochism: Freud referred to this type of masochism as erotic masochism. It involves finding sexual pleasure in experiencing pain.
- Psychological masochism: This is a non-sexual type of masochism that involves deriving enjoyment from experiencing psychological pain. Such pain can be self-inflicted or caused by others.
- Moral masochism: This is a form of masochism that involves invoking suffering to alleviate feelings of guilt. It can involve self-punishment and may represent a form of guilt complex, but it can also involve self-sacrificing, prosocial, or altruistic acts that benefit others.
- Adaptive masochism: This type of masochism involves deriving pleasure from temporary periods of pain or discomfort that ultimately lead to some delayed gratification. For example, a person might save a favorite treat to enjoy later because they enjoy the agony of anticipation.
One 2018 systematic review found that masochism connected to gratification inhibition (i.e., adaptive masochism) was the healthiest type. What the study showed was that feeling conflicted about masochism, or experiencing guilt, shame, or sadness about finding pleasure in pain, was the least healthy and most distressing. Such conflicts were associated with characteristics of personality disorders and depression.
What Is Self-Defeating Personality Disorder?
During the 1980s, a condition known as self-defeating personality disorder, which was characterized by masochistic tendencies, was considered to be a potential addition to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. While sexual masochism disorder is categorized as a mental disorder, emotional masochism was ultimately not added to the DSM.
Types of Sadism
Some experts suggest that there are four main subtypes of sadism:
- Spineless sadism: People with this type tend to be insecure, so exploiting weaker people allows them to feel superior.
- Tyrannical sadism: People with this type enjoy using power to harm others.
- Enforcing sadism: This type of sadist harms others out of a sense of moral superiority and enjoys inflicting pain on those who they think deserve punishment.
- Explosive sadism: This type is characterized by high reactivity that leads to outbursts of anger.
Some research has found associations between sadism and Dark Triad traits.
How to Tell If Someone Is a Masochist
The only way to truly tell that someone is a masochist is if they tell you directly that it is something they enjoy. You might pick up on certain cues if you are their sexual partner, but the only way to know is if that person chooses to tell you.
When it comes to more general masochistic behavior, you might be able to spot signs that you or someone you know is a masochist.
Some potential indicators include:
- Seeking out situations that involve self-sacrifice: Masochistic people may put themselves in situations where they have to put other people’s needs above their own, often to the point that they experience suffering.
- Refusing to ask for help when dealing with painful or difficult situations: When faced with a difficult or painful situation, a masochist may opt to endure the pain rather than ask others to help or provide relief.
- Getting involved in relationships with domineering or narcissistic people: Masochists may find themselves in relationships with people who are dominant or only interested in themselves. Their partners may humiliate, shame, manipulate, or neglect them, with or without consent.
- Lack of assertiveness: Some masochists are accommodating to the point that they are submissive. When taken advantage of, some masochists rarely fight back or stand up for themselves. Other masochists have a clearer understanding of how their desires and needs may be met, and may practice assertiveness to have them fulfilled in a consensual and mutually enjoyable way.
- Perfectionism: Perfectionistic people often hold themselves and others to an impossible standard. When they fail to meet these self-imposed expectations, they might take some pleasure in punishing themselves for their perceived failures.
- Lack of self-care, small pleasures, and everyday joys: Self-denial is often a sign of masochism. A masochist might neglect their needs to the point of pain or take pleasure in denying themselves the things they love. They enjoy creating their own discomfort.
- Negative self-talk: Constant self-criticism and negative self-talk can sometimes signify masochism. A masochist makes no effort to change or refute this self-inflicted, hurtful self-talk.
- Self-sabotage: Masochists also tend to sabotage their own chances for success. While this is sometimes linked to a fear of success, some people may derive pleasure from their own defeat. When things are going too well, a masochistic person might find a way to sabotage themselves so they can experience feelings of disappointment or misery.
What Causes People to Be Masochists?
The exact causes of masochism are not entirely clear. Different types of masochism may have differing causes and more research is needed.
One theory about the source of masochistic tendencies may be traced to childhood. The roots of a masochistic or “self-defeating personality” may be a result of an early struggle of will between a developing child and parents determined to maintain control of the child at any cost.
Parents who demand complete obedience and compliance do not allow room for a child to have their own needs, opinions, feelings, and desires. Love and acceptance are conditional, and when taken to an extreme, controlling parents may chastise, abuse, and humiliate the child, threatening abandonment or worse punishment if the child does not comply.
Raised in this environment, children may respond by holding onto their hurt and resentment, wishing to fight back against their parents but lacking the ability or power to do so. This desire for pain, punishment, or revenge may be redirected internally, with the child punishing themselves. A parent’s controlling or critical behavior may become an internalized voice of a bullying and self-defeating inner critic telling the child that they deserve the treatment they are receiving.
As an adult, this can continue in a self-defeating way, or these impulses may be sexualized and expressed in the context of a consensual, communicative, and mutually respectful BDSM relationship.
Nonsexual Masochism
While sadism and masochism are distinct, some research has found that people enjoy hurting themselves or being hurt are also more likely to take pleasure in causing other people pain or discomfort.
One 2020 study published in the Journal of Personality found a connection between non-sexual masochism and antisocial personality traits.
In this study, masochistic people enjoyed eating spicy food, receiving painful massages, and hearing disgusting jokes. Such individuals also exhibited high levels of antisocial traits, including what the researchers referred to as everyday sadism, subclinical psychopathy, and low levels of honesty and humility.
Sexual Masochism
While participation and interest in sexual masochism and BDSM practices have historically been linked to factors such as childhood trauma or unhealthy sexual fixation, research indicates that this is not the case.
One 2020 study found no such connection. Instead, researchers suggest that such interests represent a broadening of sexual interests, not a fixation.
In a study published in The Journal of Sex Research, participants reported that they had an intrinsic interest in masochism and submission that they first experienced at an early age.
The study also found other factors that were associated with interest in masochism, which included:
- Power exchange: Participants reported enjoying giving up power and being forced to be vulnerable.
- Pain: Participants suggested that “good” pain could be pleasurable.
- Altered consciousness: Some participants also reported that masochism allowed them to experience an altered state of meditative, relaxed consciousness, also referred to as “sub space.”
Research on Pain
Pain researchers have investigated how masochistic people process and experience pain, suggesting that these findings may prove useful for assessing and treating pain. Research suggests that motivation, context, and emotion can impact how masochists process and perceive painful stimuli.
Coping With Masochistic Traits
Being a masochist isn’t always a negative thing, and a healthy sex life can include elements of masochism and sadism. Enjoying certain types of pain in specific contexts isn’t uncommon (such as gaining enjoyment from watching sad movies), and it can even be healthy (such as incorporating sexual masochism into a consensual and sex-positive relationship).
But if masochistic or sadistic tendencies are causing harm, distress, or leading to potentially risky behavior, it is important to reach out for help and find effective ways to cope.
Talk to a Professional
If being a masochist creates problems, talking to a mental health professional can be helpful. A therapist can help you understand why you might seek out pain.
Types of therapy that can be beneficial include dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), internal family systems therapy (IFS), and psychodynamic therapy. For sexual masochists or sadists, seeking out a kink-friendly therapist may be helpful.
Practice Relaxation Strategies
Look for ways to address any anxiety that might compel you to seek pleasure through masochism. Relaxation techniques that can be useful for managing stress and anxiety include:
Deal With Negative Emotions
Masochistic tendencies might more likely emerge when you struggle with negative feelings, such as feeling bad about yourself or helpless.
Finding ways to tolerate distress better and practicing emotional acceptance of negative emotions can be helpful.
Develop Health Coping Mechanisms
You might be more likely to turn to masochistic behaviors when you don’t know how else to cope. Learning some more healthy coping mechanisms can give you alternatives that can be healthier and more productive.
Positive coping skills can include seeking social support, journaling, distracting yourself, exercising, meditating, listening to music, and cognitive reframing.
Frequently Asked Questions
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Is a masochist someone who likes pain?Yes, masochism is a psychological tendency to find satisfaction and enjoyment in pain. This may lead people to actively or passively place themselves in situations where they are subjected to pain. This does not mean that they enjoy all pain, however.
Consent, context, and motivational factors can all play a part in how and when people find enjoyment in physical, sexual, or emotional pain.
For people who enjoy sexual masochism, this can be part of a healthy and fulfilling sex life when it occurs in the context of a safe and consenting relationship. In instances where it leads people to place themselves in emotionally, physically, or sexually risky situations, it can be destructive or even dangerous.
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Is masochism a mental disorder?In some cases, sexual masochism can meet the diagnostic criteria for a paraphilic disorder if it causes significant distress and functional impairment. Sexual masochism disorder is a paraphilic disorder that involves urges, fantasies, or behaviors related to being abused, beaten, bound, humiliated, or otherwise harmed to gain sexual satisfaction. Such urges or behaviors lead to distress and potentially harm oneself or others.
However, it is important to note that it is a common fantasy, and kinks can be a healthy and normal form of sexual expression. According to some research, up to 70% of people experience BDSM fantasies, while 20% participate in them.
Sexual masochism is only considered a disorder if it is creating distress or harm. If not, then it is considered a type of sexual interest.
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Is being a sadist a mental disorder?Just as being a masochist can sometimes represent a disorder, sexual sadism can also sometimes meet the diagnostic criteria for a mental health condition. Sexual sadism disorder is a paraphilic condition where inflicting pain or humiliation for sexual purposes creates distress, impairment, or is forced upon a nonconsenting person. The condition can also involve debilitating sexually sadistic fantasies that have not been acted on.
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