Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Angry sex is the engagement of pent-up aggression and passion during sexual acts that are often wild and intense. Couples may engage in angry sex after a huge fight while emotions are still high, or it could be initiated hours or days later in the form of ‘makeup sex.’ Sometimes angry sex replaces discussing relationship issues. As long as all partners consent to the experience and it is done in a safe and mutually comfortable way, angry sex can be a healthy part of a romantic relationship.

Here we discuss what angry sex may look like, the importance of consent, and how to make angry sex comfortable for all parties involved. We also talk about how angry sex can impact a person’s mental health.

What Does Angry Sex Look Like?

Someone who’s never had angry sex may be wondering what happens during this type of sexual encounter. Jess O’Reilly, PhD, resident sexologist at ASTROGLIDE, explains that angry sex might involve:

• Interrupting an argument to be physically sexual
• Sexual activities that stray from a person’s norm (an expression of more animalistic desires)
• Spontaneity
• Feeling more relaxed and rational post-sex; relief of tension
• Transferred states of arousal (e.g., when we are angry, our body is physically aroused with an increased heart rate, blood pressure, and flushing; these changes are also experienced during sexual arousal and can sometimes trigger it)

Angry Sex and Consent

Consent is essential in all aspects of life. When we consent to something, that means we approve and agree to the circumstance at hand. Because angry sex can be rough, wild, and crazy, it’s more important than ever to be sure that our partner is comfortable and okay at all times.

Shagoon Maurya, counseling psychologist, psychotherapist, and founder of www.ursafespace.com, says: “Having consent is not only healthy and safe but also exciting. You are more likely to perform better in sexual intimacy when you have your partner’s consent. Therefore, asking your partner [for consent] is the first thing you have to do when it comes to sexual intimacy.”

Can You Have Angry Sex With Anyone?

Can angry sex be with anyone? Yes. Just as we could randomly have sex with a stranger when we’re not mad, we may also do so when we’re upset. But is it safe? Not necessarily.

Angry sex can be riskier because the stakes are higher. During casual sex, we are physically and mentally inviting a stranger into our world. So, comfortability becomes a huge concern.

How to Make Angry Sex Comfortable

According to Maurya, angry sex might be a healthy tool to pull a relationship through a rough patch. However, because of its intense nature, couples might hesitate and become more anxious—which defeats the purpose of angry sex.

To make angry sex more comfortable, couples should:

• Communicate: Initiating the idea of angry sex even before hitting a rough patch is essential. This acts as consent and tells us the preferences of our partner. If they say no, then respect the decision. If they want to experiment, then you can go ahead when the time comes.
• Set boundaries: During angry sex, it is common to have intercourse that is rougher than usual. Things such as bondage, physical pain, domination, etc., are more prevalent in angry sex. Sometimes, it might become a little excessive for someone to have such intense sex, to the point that it becomes uncomfortable and hurtful. Therefore, setting boundaries in the bedroom and practicing them is crucial.
• Intuitive thinking: Develop the intuition for when to have angry sex. Sometimes things might be too serious. Therefore, it becomes important to read the mood and then approach your partner with any sexual advances.
• Post-sex aftercare: Sex was just the gateway for closeness during a time of discomfort in the relationship. However, this is just the starting point. What happens after intense sex is the more critical stage. That is, having a serious discussion about the problems that led to angry sex. Then, engage in soft intimacy with your partner and talk things out in a caring and affectionate manner.
• Have a healthier relationship (outside of sex): This is an umbrella statement that includes efforts towards improving the relationship and yourself. For example, having healthy communication, a strong intimate life, a comfortable professional life, etc., can help you live a richer life with your partner. In turn, this will allow you to have a healthier sexual relationship with your partner.

How Does Angry Sex Affect Mental Health?

As stated earlier, angry sex is a nonverbal form of communication. It may be used to avoid communication, but having angry sex instead of communication is usually not the best solution. Engaging in angry sex to avoid communication does not solve the issue at hand.

Angry sex starts to affect mental health when consent isn’t present and/or abuse happens. Maurya also believes that if anger leads to sex often, it creates an unhealthy pattern in the relationship because your mind will begin to equate anger with arousal and desire.

In turn, partners may come to desire negative emotions to facilitate sexual engagement. This is known as the Pavlovian response, in which people become conditioned to patterns.

Measuring Angry Sex Success

The best way to measure the success of angry sex is to ask. Ask your partner if they enjoyed and felt comfortable during sex. Assess yourself and think about how the experience made you feel. Do you feel better or worse after? Was it satisfying? Are you feeling awkward?

Communication will always be the best option and if you and your partner don’t know how to navigate together, therapy is an option to explore.

Bottom line, don’t attempt to use angry sex as a replacement, it could become a toxic addiction, and possibly harmful for everyone involved.

Does it ever seem like other people have it all figured out—their goals, values, and purpose—while you’re just trying to figure out what to have for lunch? Don’t worry. A *lot* of us don’t have it all figured out either. According to one analysis in “The New York Times,” only around 25% of American adults say they have a clear sense of what makes their lives meaningful. Another 40% either claim neutrality on the subject or say they don’t.

Finding your purpose in life is more than a cliché. Learning how to live your life with purpose can lead to a sense of control, satisfaction, and general contentment. Feeling like what you do is worthwhile is arguably a significant key to a happy life. But what this means is different for each person, and it’s not always easy to figure out what drives you. Fortunately, there are some helpful strategies for finding and steering your rudder in a sometimes turbulent sea of life.

Why Do You Need a Sense of Purpose?

Research has found that individuals with high levels of eudemonic well-being—a sense of purpose and control control and a feeling like what you do is worthwhile—tend to live longer. Other researchers found that well-being might be protective for health maintenance. In that research, people with the strongest well-being were 30% less likely to die during the eight-and-a-half-year follow-up period.

There’s also research that links feeling as if you have a sense of purpose to positive health outcomes such as fewer strokes and heart attacks, better sleep, and a lower risk of dementia and disabilities.

So the good news is, you don’t have to choose between having wealth and living a meaningful life. You might find that the more purpose you feel, the more money you’ll earn.

With all of those benefits, finding purpose and meaning in your life is clearly central to fulfillment—but it’s likely to take time and patience.

The process requires plenty of self-reflection, listening to others, and finding where your passions lie. These seven strategies can help you reveal or find your purpose so you can begin living a more meaningful life. 

Donate Time, Money, or Talent

If you can cultivate just one helpful habit in your search for purpose, it would be helping others.

Altruistic behaviors could include volunteering for a nonprofit organization, donating money to causes you care about, or simply helping out the people around you on a day-to-day basis.

Whether you decide to spend two Saturdays a month serving meals in a soup kitchen, or you volunteer to drive your elderly neighbor to the grocery store once a week, doing something kind for others can make you feel as though your life has meaning.

Listen to Feedback

Sometimes, it can be hard to recognize the things you feel passionate about. After all, you probably like to do many different things, and the things you love to do may have become so ingrained in your life that you don’t realize how important those things are.

You might choose to reach out to people and ask what reminds them of you or what they think of when you enter their mind. Or you might take note when someone pays you a compliment or makes an observation about you. Write those observations down and look for patterns.

Whether people think of you as “a great entertainer” or they say “you have a passion for helping the elderly,” hearing others say what they notice about you might reinforce some of the passions you’ve already been engaging in.

Surround Yourself With Positive People

As the saying goes, you are the company you keep. What do you have in common with the people who you choose to be around?

Don’t think about co-workers or family members you feel obligated to see. Think about the people you choose to spend time with outside of work and outside of family functions.

On the other hand, if the people around you are negative individuals who drag you down, you might want to make some changes. It’s hard to feel passionate and purposeful when surrounded by people who aren’t interested in making positive contributions.

Start Conversations With New People

It’s easy to browse social media while you’re alone on the subway or sitting at a bar waiting for a friend. Resist that urge. Instead, take the time to talk to the people around you.

Ask them if they are working on any projects or what they like to do for fun. Talk to them about organizations with which they are involved or if they like to donate to any particular cause.

Even though striking up conversations with strangers may feel awkward initially, talking to people outside your immediate social circle can open your eyes to activities, causes, or career opportunities that you never even knew existed. 

Explore Your Interests

Is there a topic that you are regularly talking about in a Facebook status update or in a Tweet? Are you regularly sharing articles about climate change or refugees? 

Are there pictures on Instagram of you engaging in a particular activity over and over, such as gardening or performing?

Consider the conversations you enjoy holding with people the most when you’re meeting face-to-face. Do you like talking about history? Or do you prefer sharing the latest money-saving tips you discovered?

Consider Injustices That Bother You

Many people have their pet causes or passion projects that surround an injustice in the world. Is there anything that makes you so deeply unhappy to think about that it bothers you to the core?

It might be animal welfare, a particular civil rights issue or childhood obesity organizations. Perhaps the idea of senior citizens spending the holidays alone makes you weepy or you think that substance abusers need more rehabilitation opportunities—the organizations are out there, and they need your help.

Discover What You Love to Do

On the other end of the spectrum, simply thinking about what you truly love to do can help you find your purpose as well.

Do you absolutely love musical theater? Your skills might be best put to use in a way that brings live performances to children who can benefit from exposure to the arts. 

Is analyzing data something that you actually find fun? Any number of groups could find that skill to be an invaluable asset.

How Do You Know You’ve Found Your Purpose?

Finding your purpose isn’t something you can do in a few days, weeks, or months. It can be a lifelong journey, and you must do it only one step at a time.

But how do you know when you’ve found your purpose? Like the notion of purpose itself, the answer to that is subjective—and there are as many signs that someone’s found their purpose as there are people.

• Perhaps you feel fully connected to the universe and that you know your place in it.
• Maybe you’ve found your meaning in religion.
• Or you sense a strong connection with others.
• Maybe it’s the feeling that arises from activities that benefit others, such as volunteering.

You also might find that your purpose changes over time. Perhaps you liked working with animals in your youth, but now you want to join forces with a cause that fights human trafficking. Or, maybe you want to do both, being among the lucky ones who find more than one purpose to drive their lives. 

Authoritative parenting is characterized by reasonable demands and high responsiveness. While authoritative parents might have high expectations for their children, they also give them the resources and support they need to succeed.

Parents who exhibit this style listen to their kids and provide love and warmth in addition to limits and fair discipline. This approach to parenting avoids punishment and threats and instead relies on strategies such as positive reinforcement.

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Brief History

During the 1960s, developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind described three different types of parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. These types were based on her research with preschool-age children.

Traditionally, the authoritative parenting style has been identified as the most effective and helpful to a child; research suggests that parents should flexibly deploy parenting techniques based on their personal goals and the unique behaviors of each child.

What’s Your Parenting Style?

This fast and free parenting styles quiz can help you analyze the methods you’re using to parent your kids and whether or not it may be a good idea to learn some new parenting behaviors:

This parenting style quiz was reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT.

Characteristics of Authoritative Parenting

According to Baumrind, authoritative parents share some common characteristics. Traits they exhibit include:

• Administering fair and consistent discipline when rules are broken
• Allowing their children to express opinions
• Encouraging their children to discuss options
• Expressing warmth and nurturing
• Fostering independence and reasoning
• Listening to their children
• Placing limits, consequences, and expectations on their children’s behavior

While the expectations of authoritative parents are high, these kinds of parents also tend to be flexible. If there are extenuating circumstances, authoritative parents will adjust their response accordingly.

Parents with this style are able to adjust and adapt their approach depending on the situation, their child’s needs, and other factors that may be present. Discipline, then, takes into account all variables, including the child’s behavior, the situation, and so on.

Authoritative vs. Authoritarian Styles

These characteristics can be contrasted with the authoritarian parenting style, which is characterized by exceedingly high expectations with little warmth and guidance.

For example, imagine a situation where two young boys steal candy from the grocery store. How each boy’s parents deal with the situation characterizes the differences between these parenting styles.

Authoritative Parents

When the boy with authoritative parents finally arrives home, he receives a fair punishment that fits the nature of the transgression. An example of how authoritative parenting might look in this situation:

• He is grounded for two weeks and must return the candy and apologize to the store owner.
• His parents talk to him about why stealing is wrong.
• His parents are supportive and encourage him not to engage in such behavior again.

Authoritarian Parents

The other boy has authoritarian parents, so his consequences look quite different. An example of how authoritarian parenting might look in this circumstance:

• When he arrives home, he is yelled at by both parents.
• His father spanks him.
• His father orders him to spend the rest of the night in his room without dinner.

Effects of Authoritative Parenting

In the past, child development experts influenced by Baumrind’s work generally identified the authoritative parenting style as the best approach to parenting.

According to Baumrind, children of authoritative parents:

• Are self-confident about their abilities to learn new things
• Develop good social skills
• Have good emotional control and regulation
• Tend to have happier dispositions

Research suggests that authoritative parenting is associated with better:

• Creativity
• Life satisfaction among teens and young adults
• Problem-solving abilities 
• Self-esteem
• Emotional regulation
• Self-reliance
• Relationships
• Self-confidence

While authoritative parenting is often viewed as the most effective approach, it is important to recognize that various factors play a role in developmental outcomes.

Why Authoritative Parenting Works

Authoritative parents act as role models and exhibit the same behaviors they expect from their children. Because of this, their kids are more likely to internalize these behaviors and exhibit them as well. Consistent rules and discipline also allow children to know what to expect.

These parents tend to exhibit good emotional understanding and control. Their children also learn to manage their emotions and learn to understand others.

Some parents are naturally more authoritative than authoritarian or permissive. However, this doesn’t mean that you cannot adopt a more authoritative style, even though it is not your natural default.

Attempting to moderate your parenting style may mean that you will have to remain mindful of your actions while you work to develop the habits of an authoritative parenting style. 

How to Be an Authoritative Parent

If you are interested in becoming a more authoritative parent, there are some things you can do that may help. It can be helpful to view this parenting style as a balance between discipline, emotional control, and allowing independence.

• Set rules and communicate the guidelines, boundaries, and expectations for behavior.
• Establish consequences when rules are violated and follow through when expectations are not met.
• Be compassionate, warm, empathetic, and supportive of your child. 
• Focus on building a strong, supportive relationship with your child rather than controlling everything that they do.
• Encourage your child to be independent and allow them to experience the natural consequences of their actions.