Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

While you’ve probably heard about triggers, or those moments that generate feelings of anxiety and stress, you might be less familiar with glimmers. A glimmer is the exact opposite of a trigger—it is some kind of cue, either internal or external, that brings one back to a sense of joy, safety, or comfort.

A glimmer can be anything from catching a view of the skyline of your favorite city to seeing a picture of your pet. These are the things that help you feel OK. It might be the sun filtering through the branches outside your window or your favorite song playing on the radio. These glimmers are personal and can help shift you into a more relaxed state.

In our overstimulated worlds, glimmers can be the answer to regulating our overwhelmed nervous systems.

Origins of the Concept of Glimmers

The concept of glimmers is part of Polyvagal theory. Coined by behavioral neuroscientist Stephen Porges and introduced in 1995, the theory describes how our autonomic nervous system (which controls involuntary actions like breathing) is searching for and reading cues to determine if they are dangerous.

This process is called neuroception, and the vagus nerve, which regulates organ functions, is responsible for it.

The term glimmer, however, was introduced in 2018 in the book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation by licensed clinical social worker Deb Dana. It was popularized by a viral TikTok video in February 2022 by psychologist Dr. Justine Grosso, in a video that has nearly 100,000 likes.

Some Common Glimmers

If you’re still having trouble identifying what your own glimmers are, here are some common ones:

• Feeling the warmth of the sun
• Sensing the cool, salty ocean air 
• The smell of cut grass
• Seeing a rainbow
• Sunlight sparkling on water 
• Smelling lavender or some other relaxing scent 
• Petting a dog or cat
• Being in nature
• A stranger smiling at you in public
• The perfect cup of coffee

Understanding Triggers and Glimmers

Triggers and glimmers might seem like they are exact opposites, but it’s more like they are two sides of the same coin. Both act as cues that lead your nervous system to react to the world around you.

Let’s take a look at what causes a trigger and what leads to a glimmer.

When You’re Triggered

When the brain is triggered, it associates past traumatic events as if they’re happening right now, leading the brain and body to be on high alert. Symptoms like rapid heartbeat might occur within the body as the fight-or-flight response occurs.

This response helps the body prepare for physical danger. That’s helpful when a tiger is chasing you, but much less helpful when you’re being chased by your own memories.

When you’re in that state, your sympathetic nervous system, which regulates the body’s response to a stressful situation, is activated, increasing the heart rate, blood pressure, and pumping extra adrenaline into your body to prepare you for danger. If this system is activated too often or for too long, it can lead to health problems like chronic high blood pressure and insomnia.

When You Feel a Glimmer

The goal is to reach the “top” of the ladder—the ventral vagal state, which is connected with social engagement and safety. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system (also known as rest-and-digest) and puts the body in homeostasis. Spending more time in this state reduces the risk of disease.

How Glimmers Work

The term “glimmer” was popularized by Deb Dana, LCSW. Triggers are cues—accurate or not—that move the body into those fight-or-flight or freeze states. Glimmers are also cues, but they are cues that move the body into that feeling of safety and connection and into the ventral vagal state.

For example, something like breathing deeply can move you from fight or flight into the ventral vagal state and begin to down-regulate you. However, if you are in the dorsal (frozen) state, you need to first be moved into fight-or-flight before moving into the ventral vagal state.

How to Find More Glimmers

You can probably identify triggers in your life relatively quickly, but glimmers might be harder for you to access. It can be helpful to practice mindfulness or some kind of grounding activity before you attempt to discover your glimmers.

Just as triggers can be both internal and external—from a thought of a traumatic situation that spontaneously comes up to a song that triggers intense feelings associated with a situation—so can glimmers. In fact, one person’s trigger might be another person’s glimmer.

How to Identify Your Glimmers

It can be helpful to keep track of your glimmers, just as you might keep track of triggers or other negative thoughts. You can do this in a journal or in a notes app on your phone. If you need help beginning to identify them, try these exercises below:

1. Close your eyes and picture a moment of peace. This can be anything from a place you’ve been to, to somewhere you’ve only seen pictures of, to a place you’ve only seen in your imagination. You might want to go spend time there, have a picture of it readily available, or create a picture of it yourself.
2. Think of what made you feel safe and cared for as a child. If there is a way you can access that as an adult. If you didn’t feel safe and cared for as a child, think of what you can do that you wish you had then. Is there someone who can give you a hug, or can you give yourself that hugging sensation by hugging yourself or snuggling under a weighted blanket?
3. Think of a loved one. Picture someone you can just fully relax and be yourself around. If not, picture what having someone in your life like that might feel like. If it’s someone you know, spend time with them if you can or give them a call. If it’s not someone you know, watch a movie or listen to a song that reminds you of someone with these characteristics. 

Takeaways

Glimmers might be small, but they can have a big impact on your mental health and well-being. By paying attention to the things that bring you joy, you can start to shift your focus away from feelings of stress and toward a greater sense of relaxation. The more you tune into these moments, the better you’ll be able to latch on to those feelings of safety and connection as you go about your day.

Why do some people swoon over romantic books, movies, and love songs while others wonder what all the fuss is about? It can be hard to ignore how love stories are often portrayed as the ultimate goal, but for some people, that’s not the case. While we all respond differently, having no interest in romance is sometimes a sign that a person is aromantic.

A person who is aromantic experiences little to no romantic attraction to persons of any gender and also lacks interest in having romantic relationships. Romantic attraction refers to a desire to have emotional contact and interaction with a partner, while the definition of a romantic relationship can vary depending on the individual.

Aromanticism is sometimes known by the abbreviated form “aro.” In the LGBTQIA+ lexicon, the “A” represents aromantic, asexual, and agender. Although the exact prevalence of aromanticism is not known, one study suggests that around 1% of people identify as asexual, and around 25% of these are also aromantic. Romantic attraction is just one part of the broader spectrum of human connection.

Below, learn more about what it means to be aromantic, how it shows up in everyday life, and why understanding your identity can be so crucial in a seemingly romance-obsessed world.

What Are Signs of Being Aromantic?

While romantic attraction is often presented as a universal experience, that just isn’t the case for everyone. Unfortunately, this tendency to think that *everyone* feels the same about romance can make aromantic people feel invisible or broken when they don’t relate.

Everyone’s experience is unique, so feelings about romance and relationships can vary greatly among aromantic people. Some may have different desires and expectations for physical and emotional intimacy. There is no standardized definition of what constitutes romance, so one person’s definition may differ from someone else’s.

Some signs that you might be aromantic include:

• You don’t experience feelings of romantic attraction.
• You feel that you do not need a romantic relationship to feel complete or fulfilled.
• You don’t experience “crushes” or being “in love” with someone else.
• You have a hard time relating to romantic stories.

Aromanticism represents a spectrum, which means that people experience little to no romantic attraction. While many do not ever have these feelings, some may identify as aromantic and still experience some degree of romantic attraction depending on the individual and the situation.

Aromanticism vs. Asexuality

Some aromantic people are asexual, but the two are not synonymous. Asexuality involves a lack of sexual interest or attraction. Some asexual people may not desire sex but can still want romance. And aromantic people may desire sex but not romance.

There is little research available on aromanticism, and the distinctions between romantic and sexual orientation are not fully understood. People sometimes have difficulty distinguishing between romantic and sexual attraction because they are often so closely intertwined, making studying the topic more difficult.

Aromantic Spectrum

Both asexuality and aromanticism are part of what is known as the asexual spectrum identities. While many aromantic people are also asexual, people with various sexual identities may also describe themselves as aromantic. For example, a person may describe themselves as an aromantic bisexual, an aromantic lesbian, or an aromantic gay man. 

Other identities on the aromantic spectrum include:

• Grayromantic or graysexual: These terms refer to individuals who fall somewhere in the middle of aromantic and romantic and asexual and sexual. They may experience some romantic or sexual feelings but only under certain conditions.
• Demiromantic or demisexual: These terms refer to people who only experience romantic or sexual feelings with another person after forming an emotional bond. 
• Lithromantic or akoiromantic: These terms refer to people who may feel romantic feelings toward other people but do not wish for those feelings to be returned. If those feelings are reciprocated, the attraction fades.
• Recipromantic or reciprosexual: These terms refer to individuals who only experience a romantic or sexual attraction if they know that the other person also feels the same way.

Can Aromantics Have a Relationship?

Aromantic people can and do have committed, fulfilling relationships. However, these relationships may look a little different than the traditional ‘romantic partner’ model.

Such partnerships may involve being in an exclusive relationship, living together, showing affection, and having sex. Aromantic people may get married, have children, and raise families.

• Motivations beyond romance, such as a desire for family or children, are some reasons why people might choose to pursue a relationship.
• Aromantic people may pursue relationships to give or receive affection and care. A lack of romantic or sexual interest does not mean that a person does not want intimacy, commitment, or emotional support.
• They may develop relationships based on shared interests, mutual respect, or emotional closeness. However, such relationships may be based on a more familiar or platonic sense of love rather than a romantic one.

Challenges Facing Aromantic People

Societal expectations can create challenges for people who identify as aromantic. There is a tremendous amount of societal pressure on people to find a partner, commit, and have children.

People who don’t desire that are often pressured to settle down, get married, and have kids anyway. Those who don’t are often made to feel that there is something wrong with them or that they are missing out.

Romantic content in popular media can also sometimes present challenges for those who are aro. While some aromatic people might enjoy romance-centered movies, books, and TV programming, others may feel indifferent or even repulsed by such depictions.

Amatonormativity

For some people, realizing that they are aromantic comes with a sense of relief. It gives a label to something they’ve always felt, but never been able to explain. Others, however, may struggle with internalized pressure to “want” romance, even if they don’t personally resonate with those feelings.

That internalized pressure to feel like a person *should* want romance has been called amatonormativity. Amatonormativity is a term coined to describe society’s expectations concerning romance. It has been used to describe the pressure to find and prioritize romance, marriage, and monogamy.

How to Support Someone Who Is Aromantic

If you have a friend or loved one who is aromantic, there are things that you can do to be a supportive friend and ally:

• Respect their romantic orientation: You might not fully understand all of the aspects of aromantic behavior, but you should show respect for their feelings. Listen to what they have to say and ask what you can do to accommodate their needs and show your support.
• Don’t be dismissive: Remember that people understand themselves and their own feelings better than you ever can. Don’t dismiss what they feel or insist that they’ll change how they feel. Don’t try to push people into romantic situations they are not interested in.
• Don’t make assumptions: Avoid common misconceptions about aromantic people, such as the idea that they are cold or haven’t met the right person. Be respectful if you have questions, and be aware that the individual may not want to share. Ask if it is okay for you to ask questions and learn more about them.

Caring for Yourself

Aromantic people often face stigma and misconceptions about their romantic orientation. Others sometimes think they are not loving or that they will eventually change and develop romantic relationships. Dealing with these myths can sometimes make people feel isolated or pressured to conform to other people’s expectations.

While you might not want romantic relationships, having social support is important for your mental health and well-being. Focus on cultivating strong relationships with other people outside of romantic contexts. It is important to remember that other forms of love are not any less important than romantic love.

Takeaways

While aromantics are often mistakenly viewed as cold or prudish, it is important to remember that people who identify as aro have diverse feelings and experiences. Some may enjoy physical intimacy, and some may not. Some may want a commitment without the expectations of a romantic relationship, while others may prefer to have no romantic relationships at all. 

If you think you might be aromantic, it is important to remember that you alone get to decide how you feel and how to share those feelings with others. For more resources and information being aromantic, visit some of the following resources:

White privilege refers to the advantages that white people experience because of their race. It doesn’t mean that white people don’t face struggles or hardships; instead, it means that race isn’t one of those things that makes their lives harder.

It is a concept that highlights the unfair societal advantages that white people have over non-white people. It is something that is pervasive throughout society and exists in all of the major systems and institutions that operate in society, as well as on an interpersonal level.

These privileges can show up in many ways in everyday life, often in ways that people don’t think about or consciously notice. Feeling safer in certain spaces or having better access to certain opportunities are two examples.

The term has a long history, but it came into sharper focus due to events such as the murder of George Floyd and the resulting Black Lives Matter protests. Understanding how white privilege operates and how it affects people and communities is an important step toward building a more equitable society.

Origin of the Term

The phrase “white privilege” was first coined by activist and scholar Peggy McIntosh in 1988 in her paper “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack.” She described white privilege in terms of the unspoken advantage that the dominant culture has over people of color.

Reactions to the Phrase

For people who have never heard the term before, white privilege can evoke reactions of defensiveness and even outrage. This concept has been termed as White Fragility, coined by Robin Diangelo, and the reactions range from shame, guilt, fear, avoidance, defensiveness, and discomfort to extreme reactions such as shaming, covert aggression, intolerability, invalidation, and weaponizing privilege (i.e. calling 911).

On the other hand, for some, the idea that a person could have special privileges just because of the color of their skin is an unsettling realization and can elicit feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion.

If you are a white person and feel like the concept of white privilege doesn’t pertain to you, you are likely mistaken.

Meaning of White Privilege

If you are white and have grown up feeling as though others have advantages over you, perhaps regarding your wealth, you might bristle at the notion that you are in some way privileged because of your race.

White privilege is an advantage that protects white people against any form of discrimination related to their ethnicity and race.

Examples of White Privilege

To understand white privilege in action, it’s helpful to consider examples of how it can appear in daily life.

For example, research suggests that white privilege can have an impact on healthcare quality and access. Evidence indicates that non-white people experience disparities in healthcare at the individual, institutional, and societal levels. This reduces healthcare quality and can affect outcomes and life expectancy. 

The following examples are drawn from Peggy McIntosh’s work.

Shopping

• Imagine that you, if you’re white, are going shopping and looking in the cosmetics section for a brand of foundation that matches your skin tone. Are you fearful that your shade doesn’t exist? Most likely not. This is white privilege.
• What if you’re looking for a pair of shoes or lingerie and you find an item in the color “nude”? Are you forced to wonder why a brand’s version of “nude” doesn’t apply to you? Probably not.
• How about if you walk into a store? Do you assume that employees might be looking at you because they think you’re going to steal something because you can’t afford it? Again, probably not. These kinds of worries don’t exist when you have been afforded white privilege.

Hairstyle

• If you’re white, take a moment to imagine that you are going for a job interview and it is specifically stated that certain hairstyles are unacceptable in the workplace such as braids or dreadlocks (styles that are traditionally worn by Black people). Does the mention of this restriction on hairstyles make you feel like you are being discriminated against because of your race? If not, that is an example of white privilege.
• Moreover, have you ever had to worry that your untouched or unprocessed natural hair (the way it grows out of your scalp) might be deemed as unprofessional? If not, and you are white, you are experiencing white privilege.

Media

• If you are a white person reading a magazine, watching a TV show, or a movie, do you find yourself wondering why none of the characters or people look like you? If not, that is an example of white privilege.
• What if you’re watching the news, and you’re white, are you left feeling invisible in the stream of positive and uplifting stories and misrepresented by the media? This is also white privilege.

Freedom and Perception

• What if you’re white and you are moving to a new neighborhood, starting your child at a new school, going for a walk alone, or going shopping at Target? Do you feel as though your race might have a negative impact in terms of how well you will be accepted or how you will be perceived by other people? If not, this is white privilege.
• If you’re white and you are interacting with your coworkers, do you ever have to wonder if people think you sound eloquent enough while speaking? If not, that’s white privilege.

Achievement

• If you’re white and have recently been accepted to college, gotten a new job, or been promoted at work, are you worried that other people may think you only got to where you are because of affirmative action?
• If you do well or are a high achiever, are you worried that others will be surprised or tell you that you are a good role model for others of your race? If not, that is an example of white privilege.

Parenting

• Imagine you are a white parent raising your child to go out into the world. Do you feel the need to teach your child about how they might be discriminated against because of the color of their skin? If not, that is an example of white privilege.
• If you’re white, do you have to think about whether your child will be bullied or sent home from school because of their hair texture? Most likely not.
• Do you have the real visceral fear that your child may not come home as a result of police or extrajudicial violence?  

Law Enforcement

• If you’re driving around in a wealthy, predominantly white neighborhood, do you fear that you may be pulled over for questioning because your skin color is deemed as threatening or out-of-place? If you’re white, this fear will not apply to you.
• If you find yourself in a situation involving the police or find the need to ask the police to help you, do you feel as though your race could put you at a disadvantage or that you may be treated unfairly? If not, that is also an example of white privilege.

How It Affects White People

A major issue that comes up in discussions about white privilege is that bringing up the topic of white privilege can often trigger defensiveness in white people. They may shut down and stop talking or stop listening.

This can be particularly true for white people who have grown up in poverty or perceive that their lives have been particularly challenging. They are left to wonder how they could possibly be privileged. The phrase makes it sound like an easy life, when in fact it is just referring to advantages conferred by race.

White Privilege Doesn’t Invalidate Struggle

Having white privilege doesn’t mean that white people have never endured challenges and distressing events. It just means that their struggles have not been caused by their skin color.

Is one type of struggle worse than the other? That would be a matter of opinion, as all struggles are valid. Nobody would argue that living in poverty or experiencing trauma is not a difficult situation, regardless of someone’s race.

White Privilege Ignores Implicit Bias

The truth is that growing up as a white person means never having to consider race for the majority of one’s life. It’s not something white people notice, because the world is set up for their convenience. They have the power of being “normal,” or in the default state.

When white people say they are “color blind” or don’t notice differences in skin tone it actually minimizes BIPOC experiences and ignores implicit biases.

White Privilege Is Not About Blame

White privilege is not about blaming white people for the advantages they have. How can you be blamed for something you have never had to consider?

How to Acknowledge It

If you’re white and looking to help fight for the equality of all races, the first step comes with acknowledging that white privilege exists. The examples above describe the daily disadvantages that are faced by people of color, but they don’t even begin to underscore the results of those disadvantages.

In all areas, there is a gap between those with white privilege and those without, when it comes to generational wealth (and particularly property ownership), the experience of violence, and other indicators of quality of life.

So, if you’re white, here’s what you can do to acknowledge your privilege:

• Recognize that white privilege exists.
• Examine what is going on in your own life, look at everything you may be doing to promote/maintain and make active efforts to address it on an individual level.
• Listen to BIPOC when they point out your biases or share their experiences with you.
• Try not to be offended if someone points out your ignorance. Instead, choose to hear them out.
• If you are offended by the term “white privilege,” consider why you feel that way.
• Be committed to helping people fight anti-racism.
• Offer to be a source of support for non-white people.
• Talk about race with other white people and BIPOC even if it makes you uncomfortable.

A Change in Mindset

Change will only happen when the majority of the population experiences a mindset shift. Moreover, that mindset shift begins at the individual level not the group. One person at a time, changing their mind.

Takeaways

White privilege may be a hard concept for many to understand let alone take action upon. If you’re white ask yourself this: “If I were a person of color, how would my experience today, at this moment, be different?” If you do this today, you will have a better understanding of what is meant by white privilege and why it is real.

We all have days when we feel a little off; our energy and mood are low, and we have difficulty staying focused. When these feelings linger, it might be a sign of something more serious, like depression. But how do you tell when mental health symptoms are temporary shifts in mood or a more significant sign of a depressive disorder?

Psychologists utilize questionnaires and assessments to help measure the severity of the characteristics and symptoms. One commonly used tool is the Beck Depression Inventory.

The BDI was developed by Dr. Aaron T. Beck, a psychiatrist, and released in 1961. It includes 21 items, each of which corresponds to a symptom of depression. Today, it is one of the most widely used self-assessment questionnaires. While it is not a replacement for diagnosis, it can be a useful way to check in on your mental health and get a better picture of how you are feeling.

History of the Beck Depression Inventory

The BDI was first published in 1961 by Dr. Aaron T. Beck, a psychiatrist who is considered the father of cognitive therapy. The BDI was designed to measure the severity of depression, as well as to serve as a tool for screening for depression.

The original BDI consisted of 21 items, each of which corresponded to a symptom of depression. Dr. Beck and his colleagues found that the BDI had good reliability and validity. The BDI has been widely used in research studies and clinical practice.

In 1996, the BDI was revised to include additional items and to reflect changes in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The revised BDI, known as the BDI-II, is the most widely used version of the questionnaire.

How It’s Used

The BDI is used to measure the severity of depression. It can be used to screen for depression and monitor the course of treatment.

The BDI is not a diagnostic test, but it can help health care providers make a diagnosis. For the BDI-II, a score of 10 to 18 indicates mild depression, and 30 or above indicates severe depression.

The BDI can also be used to monitor the course of treatment. A decrease in scores over time indicates that the person’s symptoms are improving.

How the Inventory is Structured

The BDI-II includes 21 items, each of which corresponds to a symptom of depression.

The items are grouped into four categories:

• Somatic (physical) symptoms
• Affective (emotional) symptoms
• Cognitive symptoms
• Vegetative symptoms (refers to changes in sleep patterns, and appetite)

Limitations to Know

Researchers have identified several potential limitations of using the BDI in the measurement of depression.

Here are some of the limitations of the Beck Depression Inventory:

• The BDI is a self-report measure. This means that it relies on the individual’s own perception of their symptoms. Not everyone experiences depression in the same way, and some people may have difficulty accurately reporting their symptoms.
• The BDI only assesses symptoms of depression. It does not assess other important factors, such as family history or genetic predisposition.
• The BDI is a static measure. This means that it does not take into account changes in symptoms over time.
• The BDI is not specific to any one culture. This means that it may not be as accurate in measuring depression in people from different cultures.

How Reliable Is the BDI?

The BDI has good reliability and validity. Its test-retest reliability ranged from 0.73 to 0.92, which means that the scores are consistent over time. Its internal consistency was 0.9, which means that the items on the questionnaire relate to each other and measure the same construct.

The BDI-II also has good convergent and discriminant validity. Convergent validity means that the BDI-II correlates highly with other measures of depression, such as the PHQ-9.

Discriminant validity means that the BDI-II does not correlate highly with measures of other psychiatric symptoms, such as anxiety.

Where to Take It

If you are looking for a quick and easy way to take the Beck Depression Inventory or if you are a doctor looking to give it to your patients, there are a few versions available:

Depression Resources

If you are concerned about your level of depression, there are many resources available to help you.

Takeaways

If you are concerned about your level of depression, it is important to discuss your symptoms with a mental health professional. The Beck Depression Inventory can be a helpful tool in assessing your level of distress but should not be used as a replacement for professional help. There are many resources available to help you.

Do you ever find yourself “keeping score” in your relationships, weighing the costs and benefits, and tallying what you’ve done for them vs. what they’ve done for you? Or maybe you’ve noticed how the quality of a relationship seems to dwindle when the give-and-take starts to feel a little too one-sided. This kind of relationship math refers to a phenomenon psychologists call social exchange theory.

It’s a sort of emotional economy that we apply to our relationships, where we constantly weigh the costs and benefits of staying connected to someone. Whether it’s our friendships or our romantic relationships, we tend to (consciously or not) keep a mental tally: “Is what I’m getting out of this relationship worth what I’m putting in?”

What Is Social Exchange Theory, Exactly?

Social exchange theory is a concept based on the idea that social behavior is the result of an exchange process. According to this theory, people weigh the potential benefits and risks of their social relationships. When the risks outweigh the rewards, they will terminate or abandon the relationship. The purpose of this exchange is to maximize benefits and minimize costs.

Most relationships involve some give-and-take, but that doesn’t mean they are always equal. Social exchange suggests that the valuing of the ​benefits and costs of each relationship determines whether or not we choose to continue a social association.

One of the most basic examples of social exchange theory is being asked on a date. If you feel that the benefits of going on the date outweigh the costs (there are more pros than cons), you will say yes. Conversely, if the costs outweigh the benefits (more cons than pros), you’ll likely say no.

History of the Theory

The notion of “social behavior as exchange” was first identified by American sociologist George C. Homans in 1958. Homans was a pioneer in behavioral sociology and held several distinguished roles in his career, including president of the American Sociological Association (1963 to 1964) and chairman of Harvard’s Department of Sociology (1970 to 1975).

Homans is known for being rather matter-of-fact. For example, although a sociologist himself, if asked, he would respond that “most sociological theorists are idiots.”

Other figures that contributed to the development of Homans’ social exchange theory, albeit in different ways, were John Thibaut, Harold Kelley, and Peter Blau. Thibaut and Kelley were both social psychologists, and Blau was a sociologist and theorist.

While Homans approached the study of social exchange by starting with groups, then working down to individuals, Thibaut and Kelley started with individuals and worked up to groups. Blau subscribed to neither of these approaches, instead, warning that the aspects of social exchange shouldn’t be blinded by psychology.

What Are the Key Concepts?

To truly understand social exchange theory requires recognizing the aspects on which it is based.

Costs vs. Benefits

Social exchange theory suggests that we essentially take the benefits of a relationship and subtract the costs in order to determine how much it is worth.

• Costs involve things that you see as negatives, such as having to put money, time, and effort into a relationship. For example, if you have a friend who always borrows money from you and does not repay it, this might be seen as a high cost.
• Benefits are things that you get out of the relationship, such as fun, friendship, companionship, and social support. Your friend might be a bit of a freeloader, but bring a lot of fun and excitement to your life. As you are determining the value of the friendship, you might decide that the benefits outweigh the potential costs.

Positive relationships exist when the benefits outweigh the costs. Negative relationships occur when the costs are greater than the benefits. In such cases, they are often one-sided relationships.

Expectations and Comparison Levels

Cost-benefit analysis plays a major role in the social exchange process, but so do expectations. As people weigh benefits against the costs, they do so by establishing a comparison level that is often influenced by past experiences.

For example, if your previous romantic partner showered you with displays of affection, your comparison level for your next relationship is going to be quite high when it comes to affection. If your next romantic partner tends to be more reserved and less emotional, that person might not measure up to your expectations.

Expectations can also appear within work relationships. Research indicates that there is an “expectation of reciprocity” between management and staff in workplace settings. If an employee doesn’t feel that higher-ups are reciprocating their effort, this can affect their work.

How Social Exchange Theory Influences Relationships

The idea that relationships are based on an exchange can affect how we relate with others.

The Honeymoon Phase

The length of a friendship or romance can play a role in the social exchange process. During the early weeks or months of a relationship, often referred to as the “honeymoon phase,” people are more likely to ignore the social exchange balance.

Things that would typically be viewed as high cost are dismissed, ignored, or minimized, while potential benefits are often exaggerated. When this honeymoon period finally comes to an end, there will often be a gradual evaluation of the exchange balance.

At this point, downsides become more apparent and benefits start to be seen more realistically. This recalibration of the exchange balance might lead to the termination of the relationship if the balance is tipped too far toward the negative side.

Evaluating the Alternatives

Another aspect of the social exchange process involves looking at possible alternatives. After analyzing the costs and benefits and contrasting these against your comparison levels, you might start to look at other options.

The relationship might not measure up to your comparison levels, but as you survey the potential alternatives, you might determine it is still better than anything else available. As a result, you might reassess the relationship in terms of what may now be a somewhat lower comparison level.

Equity Determines Health

Since social exchange theory is based on give and take, if this back and forth exchange is not considered equitable, it can affect the health of the relationship. The primary giver may feel resentful while the primary receiver may be riddled with guilt.

If this type of exchange happens only once or twice, it likely won’t impact the relationship. However, if it becomes a pattern, feelings of resentment and guilt can start to build, creating a point of contention between the two.

Takeaways

Whether conscious of it or not, we spend a lot of time weighing the costs and benefits of our relationships. If we give more than we get, we’ll likely eventually decide that the relationship isn’t worth the effort we put in.

We might not be consciously keeping score, but social exchange theory shows that we want our relationships to *feel* fair. Being undervalued can lead to resentment, but, on the flip side, feeling valued and appreciated can strengthen our connections.

So, whether it’s a relationship with a friend, a co-worker, or your partner, it’s worth asking yourself: Is this relationship adding value to my life, and am I doing the same in return?