Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Emotional boundaries are limits you place on the energy and emotions you give and receive in a relationship. They can apply to romantic relationships as well as platonic, familial, and work-based ones.

“Emotional boundaries have to do with protecting your own emotional state and ensuring that you feel safe,” says Gabriella Giachin, a licensed clinical social worker at New York City Psychotherapy Collective. 

Establishing these boundaries can benefit your emotional well-being and lead to healthier connections with the people in your life (or show that some of them shouldn’t be there). Creating and honoring these limits can be all the more critical when your default is putting the needs of others ahead of yourself, adds Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy.

If you’re not sure where to start with determining emotional boundaries for your needs — or how to discuss them with another person — that’s OK. Here’s what you need to know about creating and maintaining emotional boundaries. 

Examples of Emotional Boundaries in Relationships

Emotional boundaries will look different for every person. They vary from small to quite significant but, regardless of size, they should always represent and protect what you need in a relationship. Here are examples of emotional boundaries you may want to adopt in your relationships:

• Don’t take on their emotions: If your partner is angry, it’s easy to take on that negative emotion for yourself. But doing so is exhausting and can create personal discomfort.
• Put your needs first: Putting your needs first overall and taking personal responsibility to meet them is a good boundary. It doesn’t mean you have to be selfish or constantly blow off your partner, rather it lets you take care of yourself and be more present and regulated when you’re with them. 
• Don’t take responsibility for their emotions: It’s not within your power to ensure another person is always happy. Giachin says this important emotional boundary can look like trying not to feel responsible for fixing people’s negative emotions. It can also help get rid of the expectation that you will entirely meet all of their emotional needs. 
• Be clear on your time commitment: Your relationship will be a big part of your life, but it’s not your entire life — especially when it’s just starting. Joni Ogle, CSAT, a licensed clinical social worker and the CEO of The Heights Treatment, recommends setting limits on the amount of time you can commit to your partner. 
• Maintain your independence: As Lurie explains, this “will ideally allow both parties to support each other while maintaining a sense of self.” 
• Have your own life: You may want to maintain or go back to things you enjoy doing away from your relationship, like taking an art class or going on long walks. It can help you maintain a sense of self within your partnership. 
• Don’t be their everything: You can’t be the person who is always saving them. “It is unrealistic to expect a partner to fulfill every need, and it’s not beneficial to ask that they set aside their happiness for yours or to allow yourself to do the same,” says Lurie. 
• Set expectations around communication: This could be anything from asking the other person not to call you when they’ve been drinking and letting them know you will not engage in a conversation if they do, to preferring texts over calls while at work and letting them know you will not respond to calls at work but may be able to respond to texts.

Consequences of Not Having Emotional Boundaries

When you forego emotional boundaries, there’s an increased risk of taking on responsibility for your partner’s negative feelings or even absorbing the emotions themselves. “If your partner has a difficult day at work and comes home in a horrible mood, you don’t have to also be in a bad mood. You can continue your day while allowing them to feel and express their emotions without taking those emotions on, too,” explains Giachin. “That’s an emotional boundary.”

If you begin taking on someone else’s negative emotions, you may needlessly also become angry or upset, and thus disconnected from your actual emotions. You can support and understand your partner’s feeling without taking them on.

Emotional boundaries also help maintain the space where you end and your partner begins. “Without boundaries in a relationship, some couples may form maladaptive behaviors such as enmeshment, codependency, emotional burnout, and even increased conflict and resentment,” adds Lurie. “Sacrificing yourself for the relationship may work briefly, but ultimately, this is not sustainable and doesn’t really benefit the relationship over time.”

Without emotional boundaries, you may also find yourself spending more time and energy on the relationship than you would like to.  

Why Is It Difficult for Me to Create Boundaries? 

In some cases, a person won’t create emotional boundaries simply because they haven’t identified that they need them. If you’re used to taking on the emotions of those around you or sacrificing your well-being for the sake of others, it can be hard to see the importance of boundaries. You may develop a need to “fix” whatever is bothering your partner, which can result in compromising your well-being and ignoring signs to create limits, says Giachin. 

However, even if you know that you should have emotional boundaries, it doesn’t mean they’re easy to create. It can be challenging to break unhealthy behavioral patterns that can come from supporting your partner despite the impact it has on you. Issues such as fear of abandonment, insecure attachment styles, and low self-esteem can create additional obstacles. 

The struggle to create emotional boundaries can also arise from fear of upsetting your partner. “The scare of judgment or rejection can make it hard to express their needs,” explains Ogle. While a healthy relationship can handle emotional boundaries, it may still feel like a risk to bring up the conversation.

How to Discuss Your Emotional Boundaries With People

Bringing up the topic of emotional boundaries can feel stressful. Here are some tips on how to set yourself up for success with this important discussion.

Pick the right time for both of you

This conversation is important and has a higher chance of success if both people are available and in the right mindset to speak. “Check in to determine if you’re both in a space to be open and receptive to talking through these issues and that your environment is calm and free of distractions,” says Lurie.

Remember this is also an opportunity for your partner to express emotional boundaries of their own, and you should make sure to give them the space to express them.

Use “I” language

Instead of telling the other person how they need to change, use “I” focused language to explain how a shift in circumstances may make you feel more comfortable and happy in the relationship. Giachin recommends doing this by “focusing on what you need and what you’re not capable of giving, and allowing the other person to ask questions or feel their feelings about the boundary.”

Be Firm

Compromise is an essential part of any relationship, but not if it means creating boundaries that don’t provide you the peace and separation you need. To make sure you get this out of your boundaries, make sure to “ask for what you need in a clear and direct manner,” says Ogle.

Revisit the conversation if necessary

It’s one thing if someone is ignoring your boundaries altogether, but if they change or are accidentally overstepped a few times, it merits openly speaking again. As Lurie explains, “Setting and enforcing emotional boundaries can be a continuous process that requires a lot of patience and understanding from both parties.”

How Do I Know If My Emotional Boundaries Are Realistic?

An example of a reasonable boundary would be not immediately picking up your partner’s phone calls while you are at work and requesting they text instead of call you at work unless there’s an emergency.

An unreasonable boundary would be telling your partner you will never initiate any calls or texts with them and request they always reach out to you first. But, there’s a lot of room between quick, simple boundaries and ones that cross the line.

It may be helpful to speak to a relationship therapist, either on your own or with your partner to help determine what boundaries are realistic and if they fit within your existing relationship. 

What to Do If Someone Does Not Respect Your Boundaries

The way to deal with someone not respecting your boundaries varies based on how they are disrespecting your boundaries and how often. No one is perfect, and a person might overstep your limits accidentally or because they’re not sure where they lie. If what they are doing appears to be a mistake, be straightforward with them about it.

“Be curious and empathetic with your partner when you reassert your boundaries, and give them space to express their feelings about any shifts in your relationship dynamic,” Lurie recommends. While you shouldn’t have to regularly justify or convince an unbudging partner why a boundary is important, it’s worth taking the time to lay out why they matter to you. 

If the other person ignores or dismisses your boundaries regularly and purposefully, this is a different story. If a pattern emerges of disrespecting boundaries, it might be time to discuss what you’re looking for in the relationship with your partner and evaluate if they’re capable of respecting your boundaries and in alignment with your needs.

“This isn’t black and white and will vary from person to person based on the experiences they’ve had, but ultimately it comes down to feeling safe, secure, and supported in relationships,” says Giachin.

Agreeableness is a core personality trait that reflects and individual’s abilities to get along well with others and their concern for social harmony.

When it comes to personality traits, if you’re someone that has scored high in agreeableness, you’re likely popular and tend to make friends easily. You also may be seen as trustworthy, altruistic, honest, modest, empathetic, and cooperative.

Agreeableness is one of the Big Five personality traits, which theorizes that there are five major dimensions to personality. Each dimension is viewed on a continuum, which means while you may be dominant in one area—like agreeableness—you still have some level of the other four traits represented in your personality as well.

In addition to agreeableness, the other Big Five traits include openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, and neuroticism. OCEAN is the acronym commonly used by psychologists to help people remember all five traits. Overall, the Big Five is a useful tool for considering and learning more about personality traits. It’s also useful in identifying and predicting how people will respond in different situations.

Characteristics of Agreeableness

Some common characteristics of people who score high in agreeableness include the following:

• Get along well with others
• Are popular and well-liked
• Care for others in need
• Are helpful, kind, and considerate
• Display sensitivity
• Are socially and emotionally intelligent
• De-escalate conflict
• Refrain from judging people
• Give others the benefit of the doubt
• Like to collaborate
• Form friendships easily
• Tend to be altruistic and perceptive
• Are emotionally supportive

Overall, agreeableness describes a person’s ability to put other people’s needs above their own. For instance, people who are high in agreeableness naturally experience empathy and tend to get tremendous pleasure from serving others and taking care of them.

Agreeable people also are trusting and forgiving and would rather collaborate than compete with others. Clearly, scoring high in agreeableness can be advantageous in many situations because it’s a key trait in attaining and maintaining popularity. Agreeable people are generally well-liked and a joy to be around. Most people consider them good friends.

Meanwhile, people who score low in agreeableness tend to be more hostile, antagonistic, and competitive. They also tend to have more difficult relationships that are riddled with disagreements and breakups.

Prevalence of Agreeableness

Like the other four factors of personality, agreeableness is usually measured using self-report inventories. These questionnaires typically contain statements where the person taking the test decides if they agree with the statement, disagree with the statement, or fall somewhere in between.

Because agreeableness is measured with self-report questionnaires and is considered a dimension of personality and not a diagnosis, there is not a lot of information available on the prevalence of agreeableness among the general population.

Children tend to be lower in agreeableness since kids tend to have a harder time taking other people’s perspectives and tend to be more egocentric. This trait tends to increase gradually throughout life.

How Agreeableness Influences Behavior

When it comes to personality testing, measuring a person’s agreeableness determines their ability to be kind, empathetic, trusting, cooperative, and sympathetic. In other words, it shows how well the person meshes with society.

Within the trait of agreeableness, there are six facets or sub-traits that further illustrate what makes a person agreeable:

• Altruism
• Cooperation
• Modesty
• Straightforwardness
• Sympathy
• Trust

Here is an overview of these traits:

Altruistic

People who are agreeable feel good when they are helping others. What’s more, they get tremendous internal rewards for doing good deeds and do not view it as self-sacrificing. They get a sense of fulfillment from the act itself.

Meanwhile, those who score low in agreeableness feel like helping others is an imposition. And even though they may recognize it, they often have no desire to change their behavior.

Cooperative

When someone scores high in agreeableness, they will go to great lengths to avoid confrontations with other people. They like to be seen as peacemakers, but will often compromise their own needs and interests to get along with other people.

On the other hand, people who score low in agreeableness are prone to forcing their will on other people. They also will use intimidation and aggression to get their own way.

Honest

If someone scores high in agreeableness, they tend to be straightforward and sincere. They rarely feel the need to manipulate people to get what they want. Likewise, they are viewed as genuine, loving people who are easy to relate to.

But, if a person scores low in agreeableness, they may feel there is nothing wrong with being deceptive, especially when it’s more convenient. They also may be more secretive.

Modest

People who score high in agreeableness are very down-to-earth and rarely claim to be better than others. They also are usually humble—sometimes to the point that they may have lower self-esteem.

Meanwhile, someone who scores low in agreeableness might be more arrogant or not above taking advantage of other people. They also may try to do more to show that they are superior to others.

Sympathetic

When someone scores high in agreeableness, they are often very sympathetic and are easily moved to have care and concern for others. They also are emotionally intelligent and very empathetic, often relating to the pain and suffering of other people.

People who score low in agreeableness are not inclined to be merciful and may not feel empathy.

Trusting

If someone scores high in agreeableness, they are prone to assume that other people have good intentions and mean well. They can also be slow to make judgments about other people and often care for people unconditionally.

Overall, if you are an agreeable person, some common behaviors probably occur pretty consistently in your life. Here are some common ways that people who are high in agreeableness behave. Look for yourself in these scenarios:

• Put the interests of others before their own
• May engage in people-pleasing behavior
• Need affirmation from others
• Are kind, considerate, and helpful
• Tend to get involved in altruistic activities or community events
• Will compromise on their ideas and ideals if it reduces conflict
• Refrain from being abrasive or contradicting
• Try to be honest and sincere in words and deeds

How to Become More Agreeable

Agreeableness depends on a person’s underlying temperament and innate personality. However, there are also things that you can do to help cultivate greater agreeableness. Steps you can take include:

• Finding positive role models with high agreeableness: Spending more time with people with this personality trait can help you develop more cooperative behaviors.
• Collaborating with others: Working with others on projects requiring you to maintain social harmony can help improve your agreeableness abilities.
• Thinking of others: Make an effort to put yourself in other people’s shoes. Imagining how others are feeling can help you behave in more empathetic, kind, and helpful ways.

In general, people tend to become more agreeable as they grow older.

Remember, personality traits—like agreeableness—represent just one factor in determining who you are. Even if you score high in agreeableness, you still have some level of the other traits within your personality.

So, while understanding agreeableness can help you understand your tendencies, it’s not your only defining characteristic. Every person has some dimension of each of the Big Five traits.

Emotional intelligence, sometimes referred to as emotional quotient (EQ), refers to a person’s ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions. The term was coined by psychologists in the 1990s and spread quickly among psychologists and beyond.

Emotional intelligence is critical for interpersonal communication, not only in personal relationships but also in the business world. This article delves into what emotional intelligence is and how you can harness its power in the workplace.

Emotional Intelligence, Defined

According to psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, leading researchers on the topic, emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and understand emotions in oneself and others. In turn, this emotional understanding helps us make decisions, solve problems, and communicate with others.

Psychologists used to view emotions and intelligence as being in opposition to one another. In recent decades, however, researchers exploring emotion psychology have become increasingly interested in cognition and affect.

Try Our EQ Test

Our fast and free EQ test can help you determine whether or not your responses to certain situations in life indicate a high level of emotional intelligence:

This EQ test was reviewed by Steven Gans, MD.

Why EQ Is Important for Success

Emotion psychology and the concept of emotional intelligence gained interest with the 1995 publication of Daniel Goleman’s “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.” Goleman argues that emotional intelligence is a critical predictor of success in life. Emotional competencies, he argued, play a particularly important role in the workplace.

The concept quickly attracted the attention of human resource managers and business leaders. Researchers have suggested that emotional intelligence influences how well employees interact with their colleagues, manage stress, and navigate conflict. It also affects overall performance on the job. Other studies have linked emotional intelligence with job satisfaction.

Goleman suggested that, although traditional intelligence was associated with leadership success, it alone was not enough. People who are successful at work aren’t just smart; they also have a high EQ.

But emotional intelligence is not just for CEOs and senior managers. It’s important at every level of a person’s career, from college students looking for internships to seasoned employees hoping to take on leadership roles. If you want to succeed in the workplace and move up the career ladder, emotional intelligence is critical.

Why EQ Matters in the Workplace

Why is emotional intelligence such a valued workplace skill? In a survey of hiring managers, almost 75% of respondents suggested that they valued an employee’s EQ more than their IQ.

Emotional intelligence is widely recognized as a valuable skill that helps improve communication, management, problem-solving, and relationships within the workplace. It is also a skill that researchers believe can be improved with training and practice.

How to Become More Emotionally Intelligent

Although emotional skills come naturally to some people, anyone can improve their ability to understand and reason. This can be particularly helpful in the workplace, where relationships and business decisions often on interpersonal understanding, teamwork, and communication.

One 2011 study found that participants who trained in key emotional competencies showed lasting improvements in emotional intelligence. They also experienced improvements in physical and mental well-being, better social relationships, and lower cortisol (stress hormone) levels.

If you are interested in improving your emotional intelligence skills to benefit your workplace performance, take steps to improve your skills in the five categories of emotional intelligence: Self-awareness, self-regulation, social skills, empathy, and motivation.

Become More Self-Aware

One of the first steps toward using emotional intelligence skills in the workplace is to practice recognizing your own emotions. Self-awareness involves being aware of different aspects of yourself, including your emotions and feelings. It is one of the foundational components of emotional intelligence. To recognize your emotions and understand their causes, you need to first be self-aware.

• Pay attention to how you are feeling. How do these emotions influence how you respond? Do the things you are feeling have an impact on the decisions you make or how you interact with others? As you reflect on these questions, you may find that you become much more aware of your own emotions and the role that they play in your daily life.
• Take stock of emotional strengths and weaknesses. How well do you communicate with others? Do you find yourself experiencing impatience, anger, or annoyance often? What are some ways you can deal with these feelings effectively? Recognizing weaknesses allows you to look for ways to deal with them.
• Remember that emotions are fleeting. A co-worker might irritate you or your boss might give you a frustrating task to complete. Before you react, remember that these things are temporary. Making rash decisions based on intense emotions can be detrimental to your long-term goals and success.

Practice Self-Regulation

Goleman identified self-regulation as a critical part of emotional intelligence. Being aware of your emotions is an important first step, but you also need to be able to manage your feelings.

To improve your self-regulation skills in the workplace:

• Find techniques to release workplace stress. Having hobbies outside of work is a great place to start. Physical exercise is also a healthy way to release stress.
• Keep your cool. Accept the fact that you cannot control everything. Look for helpful ways to respond that don’t add fuel to the fire.
• Think before making decisions. Emotions can overwhelm you in the heat of the moment. You can make a calmer, more rational choice if you give yourself time to consider all of the possibilities.

Improve Social Skills

Research on emotion psychology suggests that people with high EQs also have strong social skills. Because they are adept at recognizing other people’s emotions, they are able to respond appropriately to the situation. Social skills are also highly valued in the workplace because they lead to better communication and a more positive company culture.

Employees and leaders with great social skills are able to build rapport with colleagues and communicate their ideas effectively. People with good social skills are not only great team players, but they are also able to take on leadership roles when needed. To boost your social skills:

• Listen to what others have to say. This doesn’t mean just passively listening to other people talk. Active listening involves showing attention, asking questions, and providing feedback. Whether you are a manager or a team member, active listening can show that you are passionate about work projects and willing to work with others to help the group reach its goals.
• Pay attention to nonverbal communication. The signals that people send through their body language can convey a lot about what they really think.
• Hone your persuasion skills. Being able to carry influence in the workplace and convince team members and supervisors to listen to your ideas can go a long way in advancing your career.
• Avoid office drama. Do your best to stay out of the petty office politics that sometimes take over the workplace, but be aware that conflicts are not always avoidable. Focus on listening to what others have to say and look for ways to solve problems and minimize tensions.

Become More Empathetic

Emotionally intelligent people are good at stepping into another person’s shoes and understanding how they feel. Empathy is more than just recognizing how others are feeling. It also involves how you respond to these emotions.

In the workplace, empathy allows you to understand the different dynamics between colleagues and supervisors. It also allows you to recognize who holds power and how it influences the behaviors, feelings, and interactions that flow from such relationships.

• See things from the other person’s point of view. It can be challenging at times, especially if you feel like the other person is wrong. But rather than let disagreements build up into major conflicts, spend time looking at the situation from another’s perspective. It can be a great first step toward finding a middle ground between two opposing points of view.
• Pay attention to how you respond to others. Do you let them have a chance to share their ideas? Do you acknowledge their input, even if you disagree? Letting others know that their efforts have merit often helps everyone feel more willing to compromise.

Work on Your Motivation

Another key component of emotional intelligence is intrinsic motivation. People who have strong EQ tend to be more motivated to achieve goals for their own sake. Rather than seeking external rewards, they want to do things because they find them fulfilling and they are passionate about what they do.

Money, status, and acclaim are great, but people who are highly successful in the workplace are usually motivated by something more than that. They are passionate about what they do. They have a commitment to their work, they love taking on new challenges, and their enthusiasm can seem contagious. They don’t give up in the face of obstacles and they are able to inspire others to work hard and persist in order to achieve goals.

• Focus on what you love about your work. There are probably things about your job that you love and things that you hate.Try focusing on the aspects of your job that you enjoy, such as the feeling of accomplishment you get when you complete a big project, or helping your clients progress toward their own goals. Identify those components of your job and take inspiration from them.
• Try to maintain a positive attitude. Notice how optimistic people in the workplace tend to inspire and motivate others. Adopting this kind of attitude can help you feel more positively about your work.

Blaming the victim is a phenomenon in which victims of crimes or tragedies are held accountable for what happened to them. Victim blaming allows people to believe that such events could never happen to them. Blaming the victim is known to occur in rape and sexual assault cases, where the victim of the crime is often accused of inviting the attack due to her clothing or behavior.

Examples of Blaming the Victim

Examples of victim-blaming comments include:

• “You must have known that was going to happen.” 
• “Why were you out at night?”
• “She must have provoked him.”
• “Why didn’t you say something earlier?”
• “You shouldn’t have been drinking.”

Why, after such a horrible crime, do so many people seem to “blame the victim” for their circumstances?

When news reports surfaced of a woman being raped, many questions center on what the victims were wearing or doing that might have “provoked” the attack. When people are mugged, others frequently wonder what victims were doing out so late at night or why they did not take extra measures to protect themselves from the crime.

What Causes Blaming the Victim?

Victim-blaming can be confusing. What is behind this tendency to blame the victim?

Our Attributions Contribute

One psychological phenomenon that contributes to this tendency to lay the blame on the victim is known as the fundamental attribution error.

When a classmate flunks a test, for example, you probably attribute their behavior to a variety of internal characteristics. You might believe that the other student didn’t study hard enough, isn’t smart enough, or is just plain lazy.

If you were to fail a test, however, what would you blame your poor performance on? In many cases, people blame their failings on external sources. You might protest that the room was too hot and you couldn’t concentrate, or that the teacher didn’t grade the test fairly or included too many trick questions.

Hindsight Is 20/20

Another issue that contributes to our tendency to blame the victim is known as the hindsight bias.

• When we look at an event that happened in the past, we have a tendency to believe that we should have been able to see the signs and predict the outcome.
• This hindsight makes it seem like the victims of a crime, accident, or another form of misfortune should have been able to predict and prevent whatever problem might have befallen them.

And this isn’t just something that happens when we are looking at things such as rape or assault. When someone becomes ill, people often seek to blame past behaviors for a person’s current state of health.

Cancer? They should have stopped smoking. Heart disease? Well, I guess they should have exercised more. Food poisoning? Should have known better than to have eaten at that new restaurant.

We Like to Believe Life Is Fair When It Isn’t

Our tendency to blame the victim also stems in part from our need to believe that the world is a fair and just place. When something bad happens to another person, we often believe that they must have done something to deserve such a fate. Social psychologists refer to this tendency as the just-world phenomenon.

Why do we feel this need to believe that the world is just and that people get what they deserve?

But by believing that the world is fair, by believing that people deserve what they get, and by blaming the victim, people are able to protect their illusion that such terrible things could never happen to them.

Lack of Empathy

Victim blaming can also stem from a lack of empathy for others. People who lack empathy are often extremely critical of others. They usually dislike coping with emotional situations and don’t think about other people’s experiences or perspectives when interpreting situations.

Because of this lack of empathy, they are more likely to blame people when bad things happen to them. They are also less likely to offer to help.

The Effects of Blaming the Victim

Victim blaming can be devastating to people who have been harmed by crime, disaster, assualt, or trauma. Blaming the victim:

• Contributes to stigma, shame, and self-blame
• Discourages people from seeking help
• Focuses on the victims’ behaviors instead of the assailants’ actions
• Make it difficult for victims to get the help and support that they need
• Silences survivors
• Contributes to mental health problems, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and suicidal thinking
• Contributes to rape culture

How to Combat Blaming the Victim

The reality is that you’ve probably engaged in victim blaming at some point or another. You may have dismissed someone’s experience and believed that it was their own fault. However, there are things that you can do to help prevent it in the future: