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If you’re someone who makes a point to be conscientious in your communication, it may be shocking to realize that you’re unknowingly using ableist language. We’re sometimes so used to hearing and seeing previous generations use ableist words that, without thought, we pick them up ourselves.

However, ableist language can be harmful to people with disabilities. Learn what this language entails so you can better recognize and avoid it in your own speech, as well as alternative words that are better to use instead.

What Is Ableist Language?

Ableism is centered around the notion that people with disabilities are imperfect and need fixing. It can show up on both personal and institutional levels and includes the many ways in which people with disabilities are considered “less than” people without impairments.

At its core, ableism is a form of discrimination. This discrimination can be intentional or unintentional and is based on the belief that people without disabilities are superior to people with these impairments.

Types of Ableist Language

Ableist language typically falls into one of the two categories: words or phrases based on physical disabilities and words or phrases based on neurodivergence.

Ableist Words and Phrases Based on Physical Disabilities

Ableist language involves the use of words that have some reference to a physical or visible disability. This type of disability may affect the entire body or a certain body part.

For example, some use the expression “the blind leading the blind” to refer to people who don’t know what they’re doing. This may seem harmless but it enforces an untrue idea that people with a vision disability can’t be in charge or take on leadership roles.

Here are some other common words people use that are ableist in a physical sense:

• Dumb: We use the word “dumb” to say that someone or something isn’t intelligent, but its true definition is a person who is unable to communicate verbally.
• Lame: We say “lame” when we mean something is boring or dull, but this word actually refers to body parts (especially limbs) that don’t function properly.
• Spastic: When someone is behaving in a chaotic or erratic manner, we call them “spastic.” However, this term refers to muscle control issues, such as those that occur with the condition cerebral palsy.

Ableist Words and Phrases Based on Neurodivergence

Ableist terminology can also be rooted in how different brains work. This type may be used to describe people who are neurodivergent. For example, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental health condition involving obsessive thoughts and ritualistic behaviors. But we use this phrase colloquially about everyday things.

We might say that someone is “OCD about cleaning,” meaning they clean their house often and thoroughly. Or we say we are “so obsessed” with things like someone’s hair color or item of clothing, even if we have never seen them before and will never see that item again.

When we use these words about differences in mental health, we minimize the experiences of people with very real mental health conditions. And because many forms of neurodiversity are not visible to outsiders, we may be unknowingly using these words around people with the same conditions we’re mocking.

Alternatives to Ableist Words

Now that you have a greater understanding of what ableist language is and why it’s hurtful, you may be wondering what to do about it. The best place to start is to recognize which words in your vocabulary should be swapped out for words that are more sensitive.

In that vein, here is a handy list of words that are ableist and suggestions for what to say instead.

• Stupid, retarded, idiot(ic), cretin, or moron(ic): People say these words to imply that something or someone isn’t intelligent or worth their time, but they refer to people with intellectual disabilities. Instead, say that a situation or person is frustrating, ignorant, dense, unpleasant, cheesy, or awful.
• Dumb: This word refers to a person who cannot speak verbally, but people often use it to mean that something or someone isn’t intelligent or wise. It’s listed separately from stupid and its synonyms because it references a physical disability instead of an intellectual one. Words like irritating or uncool are better alternatives.
• Crazy, nuts, mad, psycho, or insane: “Wow, that’s crazy!” may not seem like a harmful statement, but if you think about someone with a mental health condition hearing that statement, it’s easy to realize that it is. Instead of using one of these words, try outrageous, bananas, bizarre, amazing, intense, extreme, overwhelming, or wild.
• OCD: This term is used in reference to things that people do in a way that’s jokingly considered obsessive or compulsive. Rather than saying you’re “so OCD about” something, say “I’m particular about how I keep my things.”
• Obsessed: We’re listing this separately from OCD because it’s used differently and is one of the only ableist words meant as a compliment. People say “I’m so obsessed with X” to imply they like it, but it’s ableist because it makes a joke about OCD. If you love something, you can say that you’re enamored, absorbed, enchanted, charmed, or delighted by it.
• ADD: “I’m ADD about my homework” means a person has a hard time focusing on it but not that they actually have attention deficit disorder (ADD). To avoid being unkind to people with this condition, other words to use include unfocused, short attention span, lacking focus, or uncontrolled.
• Lame: You’re probably just saying something isn’t exciting, but really you’re referencing injured or damaged extremities that don’t have full function. Instead of using the word lame, try boring, bland, unexciting, pathetic, or unoriginal.
• Blind: “I’m blind to my flaws” is said to imply a person can’t see their shortcomings, not that they are visually impaired. So rather than saying something negative about people with blindness (e.g., blind spot), use ignorant, not knowledgeable, or a gap in understanding.
• Deaf: If someone’s idea was not well accepted or listened to, you might say that it has “fallen on deaf ears.” You probably don’t mean that the people listening literally cannot hear. So, instead of saying that someone or something is deaf, try saying these words instead: ignored, disregarded, passed over, not noticed, etc.
• Barren: People who are assigned female at birth but cannot have children are called barren. However, this word, which is about a physical disability, is sometimes used to refer to any situation in which growth isn’t possible, such as land that is not producing crops. More respectful alternatives are to use the words desolate or unfruitful instead.
• Crippled: “Being yelled at so much crippled my ability to be productive at work” may sound like a good sentiment, but it’s hurtful to people with disabilities. Instead of saying a person or object is crippled, say disabled.
• Derp: This word is almost always meant as a joke and used to indicate something a person views as stupid or lame. It’s also used as a noun, as in calling someone a derp. Though it isn’t in reference to a specific disability, it is a play on intellectual disabilities at large, and that’s harmful. Use any of the synonyms for “stupid” or “lame” instead.

Tips for Changing Ableist Language

Change is challenging, but it is possible! Here are some tips to integrate more respectful words into your personal lexicon.

Get Support From Friends

Social support can help us cope with the adversities we face. But our relationships also help us thrive by encouraging us to actively pursue growth and development opportunities—such as changing to use more respectful language.

Tell your friends, colleagues, classmates, and loved ones that you are going to no longer use ableist words. Then, ask them to hold you accountable and point out when you slip up. If they’re up for the same, help them out by making it a two-way street.

Create a Challenge

Getting away from ableist language helps us communicate more inclusively. Post on your social, write an email, or send a group text about your decision and ask others to join you in stopping the use of ableist language.

Practice Makes Practiced

There’s no such thing as perfect when it comes to humans, and that’s okay. Don’t plan on succeeding at this immediately as these are words that we have often been conditioned to use every day.

Praise yourself and others for each time they use a non-ableist alternative word. If it takes you years to make the change, that’s totally acceptable. The point is that you’re making an effort to be a better person by speaking in less harmful ways, and that’s what matters most.

Prejudice is a negative preconception or attitude toward members of a certain group. Prejudices can strongly influence how people behave and interact with others, specifically those who are different from them in some regard. Prejudice is often subconscious and can affect people’s behavior without them realizing it.

Common features of prejudice include negative feelings and stereotyped beliefs about members of a group, as well as a tendency to discriminate against them. In society, we often see prejudices based on characteristics like race, sex, religion, culture, and more.

When people hold prejudicial attitudes toward others of a certain group, they tend to view everyone with the defining characteristic as the same. They paint every individual with the trait with a broad brush and fail to look at each person as a unique individual. Keep reading to learn more about prejudice and how to reduce prejudice.

Types of Prejudice

There are many types of prejudice. These include, but are not limited to:

• Ageism: The belief that someone is “too old” or “too young” for a particular role or activity.
• Classism: Negative beliefs about someone based on their income. This often manifests in people looking down on others because they are “poor” or members of the working class
• Homophobia: A sense of discomfort, fear, distrust, or hatred for people who are members of the LGBTQ+ community.
• Nationalism: The belief that the interests of your nation are more important than those of other nations.
• Racism: A sense of discomfort, fear, distrust, or hatred for people toward members of a certain racial or ethnic group. Racist beliefs have impacted many societal and governmental systems, making the oppression systemic.
• Religious prejudice: Negative feelings toward someone because of their religious beliefs, practices, and/or ideologies
• Sexism: Stereotypes and/or beliefs about someone based on their sex or gender.
• Xenophobia: The fear or general dislike of people considered “foreign” or “strange,” typically compared to people in their native country.

Causes of Prejudice

How is it we become prejudiced? There are a few potential causes to consider.

Stereotypes

In many cases, prejudices and stereotypes feed into one another. A stereotype is a simplified assumption about a group based on prior experiences or beliefs.

An example of a gendered stereotype is the belief that only girls can wear dresses, or only young boys can play with trucks. Examples of racial stereotypes include “Black people are good at basketball,” “White people can’t dance,” or “Asians are good at math.”

According to an article in Current Directions in Psychological Science, prejudice comes from people who aren’t comfortable with ambiguity and thus make generalizations about others. These generalizations reduce the ambiguity and ease processing, but often result in harmful judgements and actions.

Categorizing

We are inundated with too much information to sort through all of it in a methodical, and rational fashion, so we often depend upon our ability to place people, ideas, and objects into categories to make the world easier to understand.

Psychologist Gordon Allport believed sorting information into mental categories is important for making sense of the world around us. “The human mind must think with the aid of categories,” Allport explained in his book, The Nature of Prejudice. “Once formed, categories are the basis for normal prejudgment. We cannot possibly avoid this process. Orderly living depends upon it.”

Being able to quickly categorize information allows us to interact and react quickly, but it also leads to mistakes. For example, we tend to minimize the differences among people within certain groups and exaggerate the differences between groups. This is referred to as social categorization.

Prejudgments

In one classic experiment, participants were asked to judge the height of people shown in photographs. They were told that for every woman of a particular height, there was a man of the same height. Therefore, they were not to rely on the person’s sex to determine the height.

Despite being offered a $50 cash prize for whoever made the most accurate judgments, participants consistently rated the men as being a few inches taller than the women. Because of their prejudgment and existing categorical beliefs that men are taller, the participants were unable to judge the heights accurately.

Outgroup Homogeneity Bias

People tend to view members of outside groups as being more homogenous than members of their own group. This phenomenon is referred to as the outgroup homogeneity bias. This perception that all members of an outgroup are alike holds whether the group is based on race, nationality, religion, age, or another group affiliation.

Historical Events

Sometimes prejudice develops in response to historical events. An example of this is how many people developed negative beliefs against all Muslims after the attacks on September 11, 2001. This is known as Islamaphobia and still impacts Muslim Americans today.

Family, Friends, and Social Groups

A 2018 study involving children between the ages of 3 and 9 found that even the subtlest ethnic prejudice of the parents predicted whether their children would have an implicit prejudice, regardless of parenting style. This demonstrates how easily the beliefs of parental figures can influence the development of prejudice.

Another 2018 study found similar results but with friends rather than family. This one involved 1,009 teens who were either 13 or 16 years of age and found the attitude of their peers affected the participants’ level of individual prejudice.

Impact of Prejudice

Prejudice exists almost everywhere and can affect people and societies in different ways.

Poorer Health

Studies have shown a relationship between those who have experienced prejudice and poorer physical health, both directly and indirectly. Examples of direct impacts are how prejudice can lead to living in a less environment with limited access to health resources. Indirect impacts include prejudice-related stress and altered health behaviors.

Other research has linked perceived prejudice with poorer mental health as well, both in terms of ethnic identity and hopelessness. Being part of a group that experiences real or perceived prejudices can impact health both physically and mentally.

Increased Discrimination

Stereotypes not only lead to misguided beliefs but can also cause discrimination. Stereotypes can impact the ability of the person being discriminated against when trying to get a job, secure housing, and more. In some cases, discrimination may result in violence.

Studies indicate that discrimination can also negatively impact health. This is because someone who is discriminated against may lack access to nicer living conditions and quality healthcare, and may experience increased stress levels.

Research has even found that discrimination can affect the health of the person’s partner, increasing their risk of depression and putting greater strain on the relationship.

Reduced Multiculturalism and Segregation

According to one study, the level at which people identify with their native country impacts their level of prejudice against people wishing to immigrate to their country.

If there is a high level of prejudice against a certain immigrant group, immigration policy is likely to reflect those prejudices and make it harder for members of that group to immigrate. Prejudice and discrimination can also lead to segregation, whether it be personal or institutional.

How to Reduce Prejudice

In addition to looking at causes for prejudice, researchers have also explored different prejudice can be reduced and eventually even eliminated. Training people to have more empathy for members of other groups is one method that has shown considerable success.

Other techniques used to reduce prejudice include, but are not limited to:

• Gaining public support and awareness for anti-prejudice social norms
• Increasing contact with members of other social groups
• Making people aware of the inconsistencies in their own beliefs
• Passing laws and regulations that require fair and equal treatment for all people

We’ve all assumed that if our new crush hasn’t replied to us within the hour, it means they have ghosted us. Or that when our boss asks us to talk it’s because we’re about to get fired (even though we know we do great work). All of these are catastrophic thoughts.

Catastrophizing is when we view a situation as worse than it is, jump to the worst possible conclusion, or assume our worst fears will come true. We may catastrophize if we’ve had negative past experiences, particularly in a similar situation, or if we have low self-esteem or a mental health condition like depression or anxiety.

There Are Three Components of Catastrophizing

“Catastrophizing has 3 components,” says Amy Mezulis, PhD, the co-founder and chief clinical officer of Joon. “You’re focusing on what could happen in the future; you’re focusing on extremely negative potential outcomes; and you’re thinking about that future negative outcome over and over again. So when you find your mind locked in a loop anticipating negative events in the future, you might be catastrophizing.”

Smriti Joshi, lead psychologist at Wysa, brings up the famous children’s story about a rabbit who believed the sky was falling after a coconut fell from a tree onto its head. “Without examining what had happened, or that it was a coconut that had fallen on his head, he believed the worst-case scenario and panicked that it was the sky falling and the world was about to end,” she explains.

The Brain Comes Up With a Bunch of ‘What Ifs?’

We might catastrophize if we’re uncertain about something because the brain is adept at creating plenty of “What if?” scenarios. Meanwhile, negative emotions like fear and anxiety can “amplify our cognitive biases,” says Joshi, making us more pessimistic. This can make us more likely to catastrophize. 

How Catastrophizing Impacts Us

Catastrophizing can have a number of negative effects. It can be healthy to anticipate and prepare for bad outcomes, just so that we’re not caught off guard if something does go wrong, but we need to find a healthy balance.

We Become Hypervigilant and Super Stressed

When we start catastrophizing, we begin a cycle of anxiety and hypervigilance. When our stress levels go up, we can then even experience physical symptoms like sleep issues and headaches.

“Such forms of thinking can slowly erode your ability to cope effectively with challenges,” says Joshi. “It can make you feel helpless and not good enough or equipped well enough to manage the worst.” 

We Have a Hard Time Staying in the Present Moment

“Our current emotional and physical state is strongly impacted by our mental state,” adds Dr. Mezulis. “When our mind is stuck on negative future events, it tends to make us feel more anxious or down.

Catastrophizing also keeps us future-focused at the expense of being present-focused, making it difficult to be mindfully present in our real lives right now.”

Our Confidence Levels May Drop

When we’re stuck in a catastrophizing loop our self-esteem can be affected, and this can in turn lead to poorer decision-making or performance at school or work.

The fear of negative outcomes could cause us to self-isolate ourselves from social interactions or stop doing things we enjoy. This could then increase the chance of experiencing symptoms of depression. 

Signs You’re Catastrophizing

“If you find yourself experiencing intense emotional states like anxiety, fear, or panic, try and focus on the thoughts you’re having when you experience these negative emotions. It’s possible that you could be worried and experiencing catastrophizing thoughts,” says Joshi. 

Cycling Through Worst-Case Scenarios Is the Biggest Clue

If you catch yourself jumping to worst-case scenarios or using definitive language like “it will happen” or “nothing can help,” you may be catastrophizing. 

Real-Life Catastrophizing Situations We Can All Relate To

Let’s take a look at some common ways in which people may catastrophize:

• At school or work: If we get a disappointing grade on a test or our manager isn’t happy with how we approached a task, we might start thinking that we won’t graduate, or that we’ll lose our job. 
• In interpersonal relationships: If we notice that our friend or significant other is more grumpy than usual, we might worry that they’ll stop hanging out with us or break up with us. In reality, though, it just could have been tiredness the grumpiness could have had nothing to do with us.
• In health-related situations: If we notice an unusual pain in our bodies body, we might assume that it’s a sign of a serious illness. For example, worrying that a headache is a sign of a brain tumor, or that stomach pain is the sign of a ruptured appendix—we’re likely catastrophizing.

Different things can trigger catastrophizing in different people. For a lot of people, significant life changes can make them catastrophize—particularly if they’re stressful events or if there’s plenty at stake (like moving to a new state or starting a new job).

“Problems in relationships, whether personal or professional, can trigger fears of rejection or abandonment,” adds Joshi, who also explains that “past failures or perceived inadequacies can lead to a mindset of anticipating failure in future endeavors.” She brings up both health concerns and financial worries as potential triggers too. 

Is It Possible to Limit Catastrophic Thinking?

Joshi recommends identifying the thoughts when they occur, and “reminding yourself of the connection between feelings and thoughts.” This way, you can look at the thoughts and reframe them. Look at the wider situation in a more balanced way, and consider the hard evidence and the more likely outcome, rather than focusing on the unlikely extremes.

Write Down All of Your Thoughts—and Don’t Hold Back

“A simple technique to practice is to write down all your thoughts,” explains Joshi. You can then replace them with other thoughts.

For example, if you’re catastrophizing over a health complaint, write down your thoughts and then write down the facts—that it’s much more likely to be something minor, for example, or that your doctor isn’t too concerned. 

Try Some Mindfulness Practices

Mindfulness and similar practices can also help, letting you focus on what’s happening in the here and now rather than what may happen in the future. “It can help you take stock of your current resources, help you plan better to deal with any crisis, and problem-solve any real scenarios you’re trying to solve,” says Joshi. 

A Few Therapy Sessions May Help

Some people find therapy beneficial when it comes to working through catastrophic thoughts—it can be difficult to identify and reframe them on our own. 

“Certain forms of therapy specifically target catastrophic thinking,” says Dr. Mezulis. “Cognitive-behavioral therapy uses cognitive techniques to identify and challenge negative thoughts; it also uses emotion regulation techniques to reduce the depressed or anxious mood that might trigger catastrophizing. Mindfulness therapies can also be very effective in reducing repetitive negative thinking patterns such as catastrophizing.”

Catastrophic thinking can have a real effect on your quality of life, regardless of the underlying cause. But, there are things you can do to help—whether on your own or with a mental health professional. So, why not give them a try if you’re finding things difficult? Or, if you’re finding it tricky to manage on your own, reach out to a mental health professional to see how they can help you.

Marriage can offer wonderful benefits for well-being, life satisfaction, and stress management, but no relationship is without its challenges. The common problems of marriage can put a strain on a couple, but there’s a choice in how to handle these issues.

The following are some of the most common sources of marital stress and marriage problems, as well as insights on how to address them.

Money Problems

Disagreements about money are one of the most common marriage problems couples face. Almost a third of adults with partners in the United States reported money as a source of conflict in their relationships.

The following may become money problems in a marriage:

• Disagreements over financial decisions (i.e., investments, household spending, etc.)
• Having different beliefs about money (how much to spend vs. save)
• Not talking about finances before getting married
• One person in the marriage makes more money
• One person in the marriage spends more money

When one partner is extremely stressed about money, they may be less patient or more irritable; they may then pick fights with the other partner about unrelated things without even realizing it.

Finding a Solution

Try having an honest conversation with your partner. What are each of your expectations when it comes to spending and saving every month? Remember, it’s about reaching a compromise (within your financial means) so that both of you feel comfortable, but not restricted.

Try dividing the labor. Maybe one partner focuses on household spending and the other on saving money one month, and the next month, you switch.

You can even make it more fun by having a monthly “money date” where you pay bills and set up budgets. Remember to budget regular date nights with each other, too—that can help make the financial conversations lighter and less stressful.

Childcare Issues

Having children can be a wonderful experience that brings with it feelings of well-being and purpose. However, it can also be challenging and may put extra strain on a marriage.

Some marriage problems that can arise after having children include:

• Couples have less time (and less energy) to spend with each other
• Each parent has less alone time to de-stress or engage in self-care
• Financial strain as a result of supporting a child
• If one parent feels they’re doing more of “the work,” they may become resentful of their spouse
• Lack of support from family and friends

Finding a Solution

Though it may take time to adjust, especially for first-time parents, try to develop a support network. This may include family and friends, or if you’re financially able, a babysitter who can watch your child for an evening.

Even if it’s just for a couple of hours, try to take a break from your roles as “parents” to remember your roles as “spouses.” This will give you time to reconnect with each other.

In other words, happier parents often equals happier kids.

Delegating household tasks is important as well. You and your spouse can come up with a schedule where you both take on a fair amount of childcare duties, so they don’t all fall on one parent.

Daily Stress

Daily stressors don’t need to become marriage problems, but sometimes, they do.

We all deal with annoyances like getting stuck in traffic, being late to work, or getting nervous about a big deadline coming up. But in a marriage, these stressors can create a “spillover” effect, especially if one person comes home after a hard day and projects onto their partner, perhaps getting angry or being impatient.

When one partner has had a stressful day, they may have less emotional energy to devote to nurturing their relationship. When both partners have had a difficult day, this, of course, is only exacerbated.

Does your partner come home and vent about their problems—but that makes you feel stressed, too? Or do they shut down completely and emotionally withdraw?

Finding a Solution

This is all about knowing and respecting boundaries. Maybe you both set a rule that venting can only last 10 minutes so that it doesn’t increase the stress levels at home. Or, maybe you learn to respect each other’s alone time when either of you needs a chance to cool off.

It’s important that both of you have your own ways of de-stressing so you can bring your best selves to the relationship.

Busy Schedules

Marriage problems can result from overly busy schedules for a few reasons:

• Couples who are busy are often stressed, especially if they’re not taking care of themselves with quality sleep and good nutrition.
• Busy couples may feel less connected because they have less time to spend together and more separateness in their lives.
• Couples may not work together as a team and might find themselves fighting over who’s taking care of which household and social responsibilities.

Finding a Solution

Research shows that quality time often improves the well-being of a relationship. Regular activities—like watching a favorite TV show together or going out to dinner—can make you feel more bonded to one another.

It’s also helpful to try new things together. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a member of the Verywell Mind Review Board, says, “Embarking in novel experiences has many positive effects. The excitement causes us to rate the experience more favorably. You can also displace the familiar and worn-out roles you occupy with your partner.”

Dr. Romanoff also recommends exercising together, if possible. She says, “The rise in endorphin levels after exercise creates neural pathways that link these behaviors with positive emotions and each other.”

Poor Communication

Perhaps the biggest predictor of marriage problems is poor communication or negative communication that belies damaging attitudes and dynamics within the relationship.

Finding a Solution

So, how do you improve communication in your marriage? Try out the following:

• Make small talk: Simply asking, “How are you?” or “How was your day?” can be a friendly reminder that you both care about and support each other.
• Show signs of affection: Try exploring each other’s love languages. Maybe you show your partner affection by giving them hugs regularly or buying them a small gift on occasion to show you’re thinking about them.
• Use the speaker-listener technique: This method has one person speak at a time, and the other listen. The listener must engage in active listening, repeating back what they’ve heard.
• Use “I” statements: You might say, “I feel sad when we don’t spend time together,” instead of, “You never spend time with me.” This technique may help remove the blame and defensiveness from a conversation and, instead, shift the focus to feelings.

Harmful Behaviors

Some marriage problems could be solved if each partner pays more attention to their unproductive habits and works toward changing them.

People don’t always make a conscious decision to argue over petty things, nag and be critical, or leave messes for the other to clean, for example. They get busy, stress builds, and they go on autopilot. Then, they find themselves following the same patterns they hadn’t realized they were choosing in the first place.

Some habits you or your partner might’ve developed that actually take a toll on the relationship could be:

Changing Yourself to Please Your Partner

Of course, if your partner encourages you to quit smoking or take advantage of new opportunities, change can be good. But if you feel like you have to be an entirely different person for your partner, chances are you need to reevaluate the relationship.

Dr. Romanoff weighs in: “Making personal changes should always be a net positive. This means changes in one aspect of the self or relationship should ultimately create more positive collectively in the relationship and for each person.”

Disrespecting Your Partner

Married couples often get in the habit of nagging, criticizing, or even name-calling or yelling at each other. If this is the case, it’s time to set boundaries regarding how you communicate with each other.

Neglecting Your Own Life

Being in a marriage sometimes means we get complacent—but you should still be able to have your own sense of self—hobbies, friends, and routines—that will bring joy to your own life and allow you to be an even better partner.

“We need a little healthy insecurity in our relationships to revitalize them. That comes from investing in situations and experiences outside of your relationship. Cultivate your own passions, and bring that energy back into your relationship,” says Dr. Romanoff.

Projecting Your Emotions

Your partner shouldn’t be your punching bag. Though we might get used to yelling at them when we’re angry about something else entirely, behavior like this is often a sign we need to work on our own emotional regulation and develop healthy outlets instead.

Seeking Constant Reassurance

Though it’s OK to want reassurance from your partner from time to time, constantly needing them to tell you they love you or that you are great at your job could be a sign that you should address the deeper insecurities within yourself.

Snooping on Your Partner

Trust is one of the most important parts of marriage. Your marriage may have underlying problems if you find that you’re checking your partner’s texts or emails. If you are suspicious that they’re cheating, for instance, it’s best to address this directly with your partner or in therapy.

Getting Help

Fortunately, many marriage problems can be worked on—even if only one partner is consciously trying to change, any change can bring a shift in the dynamic of the relationship, which can bring positive results.

However, some relationship problems are more complex. For instance, it may help to address issues like substance use, loss of trust, violence, or simply growing apart in couples therapy or marriage counseling.

A therapist can help you and your partner navigate these problems; therapy can also help you decide whether or not to end a problematic relationship. Either way, the help of a mental health professional can give you the emotional support you need.

Breadcrumbing means someone leads another person on by dropping small tidbits of interest—such as social media interactions, occasional messages, or brief phone calls. These interactions are intended to suggest the person is still interested, but they occur sporadically, and there is generally no intention of following through.

Sometimes referred to as “Hansel and Gretelling,” the term is derived from the idea of leaving behind a trail of breadcrumbs for someone to find what they’re looking for, much like in the children’s story.

Breadcrumbing has become an all-too-common form of manipulation in the dating world, especially with the rise of online and app-centric dating.

Breadcrumbing vs. Gaslighting

While it may sound a lot like gaslighting, and while they both are forms of manipulation in relationships, they are not the same thing. That said, the same personality types can perpetrate both. While breadcrumbing is, in essence, “leading someone on,” gaslighting is the deliberate attempt to blur someone’s concept of reality, which causes the victim to question their judgment and perceptions.

Breadcrumbing can lead to hurt feelings and sleepless nights. Still, it’s not as directly manipulative as gaslighting, which alienates the victim from friends and themselves with the intent to control. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist with a private practice in New York City, explains that breadcrumbing and gaslighting “are similar in that they make the victim doubt and question their own perspective and the other person’s intentions.”

Romanoff explains that both of these manipulation tactics involve using emotionally relevant information against another. They are also both tactics that people use to exert power and control in relationships.

Signs of Breadcrumbing 

While not all of these may be happening at once, breadcrumbing usually consists of some combination of these actions by the perpetrator:

• Inability to make or commit to plans: This is a classic example of breadcrumbing. In this instance, the perpetrator, or breadcrumber, will entertain the idea of meeting up for a date activity such as a movie, dinner, or just to hang out in person, but will never pin down an exact date to do so. That said, they’ll often feign enthusiasm as they suggest a later date—think of texts like, “That sounds fun! Maybe next week!” Moreover, if plans to hang out fall through, you’ll notice that the breadcrumber will be vague when it comes to finding a date for a raincheck.
• Microcommunication: This is where the act of breadcrumbing gets its name. The microcommunication is not a complete lack of association nor is it ignoring or blowing someone off. Instead, microcommunication is dropping small, exclusively digital, bits of communication or acknowledgment, sometimes as small as commenting with emojis on Instagram posts or stories. In essence, doing the bare minimum to maintain a semblance of a relationship without investing much time or effort.
• Hot and cold flashes: The whole point of breadcrumbing is not just the sporadic communication. The small bits of communication and connection, the breadcrumbs, give the recipient the false hope of a potential relationship or greater commitment. Often these can manifest as moments of brief connection where the recipient feels seen and appreciated, followed inevitably by periods where the recipient will feel and be ignored.
• Consider communication times: Romanoff explains that one way to spot breadcrumbing is to notice when someone is reaching out. For example, if someone is only texting late at night when they’re at their loneliest and potentially only seeking a hook-up.
• They feign thoughtfulness: This is a common tactic used to string people along. Romanoff gives the example of a breadcrumber checking in on someone’s day or following up about something specific. Then, once the recipient responds, they may not message them back for days, or they may respond with an answer that is short and surface-level.
• There’s no effort to explain themselves: Even after absences, breadcrumbers typically make no effort to explain themselves or consider the recipient’s feelings.

Why People Breadcrumb

Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all explanation for breadcrumbing behavior. The underlying causes for each instance can be as varied as the relationships in which they occur. However, there are common rewards that breadcrumbers are probably seeking out:

• Self-esteem: Unfortunately for the victims, the breadcrumbers may only be engaging with them to make themselves feel better. They do this by using their interactions with someone who is interested in them as a pick-me-up when they’re feeling low.
• Validation: The breadcrumber can use the attention from their victims as a sort of currency on the dating market. The knowledge that someone is into them, even if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, can go a long way to boosting someone’s confidence.
• Immaturity: The breadcrumber may not be ready to settle down and commit to one person. If this is the case, they might enjoy the feelings brought on by having the real potential for a relationship, but struggle with the idea of actually committing to one. Therefore, they keep the option available to themselves but never act on it in a meaningful way. In doing so, there is a failure to communicate about their availability and intentions with honesty and integrity, fearing doing so would result in fewer options.
• Emotional discomfort: Breadcrumbers are often conflict and confrontation-averse and tend to avoid negative or stressful interactions. This includes sharing and expressing emotional interest in another person. It’s important to remember that this is all a result of self-centered fears (rejection, commitment, etc).
• Keeping in touch: This is possibly the most difficult example of breadcrumbing to identify as it often occurs post-breakup. In this case, the breadcrumber themselves might even believe that they’re only checking in on a former partner. In fact, they are retaining some beneficial part of the relationship for themselves and inhibiting their former partner from moving on.
• Narcissism: Serial breadcrumbers have been found to have personalities that are associated with elevated levels of narcissism. This can lead to them showing very little regard for the feelings of those around them, and having no remorse for others’ hurt feelings. This is true even if they (and sometimes they aren’t) are aware that they’re manipulating people for temporary and shallow personal gains.

Impact of Breadcrumbing

Romanoff explains that one of the darkest aspects of breadcrumbers is that they typically exert their power on people who they know have strong feelings for them. This often results in the other person suppressing their own needs in order to preserve their attachment to the breadcrumber, as unfulfilling as painful as it may be.

“Over time, it could cause people to lower their standards and learn that they must accept the bare minimum of love or attention that is provided by others,” says Romanoff.

Tips to Deal With Breadcrumbing

Although it’s often present in fantasy, there is no solution like a love potion that would just get your breadcrumber to give you the attention you crave. Fortunately, though, the solutions to dealing with breadcrumbing all come from within. Romanoff shared some tips for those who are dealing with a breadcrumber.

• Consider the alternative: If you’re feeling breadcrumbed, while it can feel hard to move on, it can also be helpful to focus on the alternative. Romanoff suggests that people focus on “what could be gained by not engaging with this person and all of the energy you will preserve by not having to wonder how they really feel about you and instead find someone who makes you feel secure.”
• Be direct: Let the person know how their communication style and actions make you feel. “Let them know the impact of their behaviors and ask for what you want: to be treated like a priority and a person they value,” says Romanoff.
• Don’t reinforce bad behavior: It’s OK not to respond if the breadcrumber is only sending superficial texts late at night. In fact, if you continue to respond, it reinforces their behavior.
• Teach others how to treat you: This is perhaps the most important point that Romanoff makes. She encourages people to “decide for yourself what you are willing to tolerate, and don’t accept anything less.”
• Remember your worth: Remind yourself that you don’t need to beg for afterthoughts, scraps, or crumbs. You deserve focused and prioritized attention and care. As you start saying ‘no’ to breadcrumbing and prioritizing yourself with greater care and honoring, you will attract others who will treat you similarly in kind.