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ADHD and anger can be connected, and some kids with ADHD experience frequent outbursts of anger. Adults with ADHD may also experience anger and irritability as well. Although common, these intense emotions affect behavior, impact relationships, and strain family life.

Understanding the causes of anger and frustration with ADHD, along with some strategies for managing these intense emotions, can help prevent these short bursts of anger from causing long-term damage.

The Link Between ADHD and Anger

Children and adults with ADHD often experience emotions with greater intensity than their peers without ADHD. This is known as emotional dysregulation, or a poor ability to manage emotional responses or to keep them within an acceptable range of typical emotional reactions. It can be characterized by:

• Persistent irritability
• Increased impatience, particularly when stressed
• Overreactions in response to minor stressors
• Intense emotions
• Outbursts of explosive anger
• Difficulty expressing anger in words

In children, comorbid conditions such as impulsive aggression and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), as well as medication side effects, may make it more likely that your child will feel bad-tempered, aggressive, impatient, and angry.

Below are some of the most common reasons why kids and adults with ADHD may exhibit angry outbursts:

Impulsivity

Impulsivity is a symptom of ADHD that is often caused by an inability to focus and control behaviors. The impulsive nature of ADHD means that if someone feels angry, they communicate it right away. This is often more apparent in children since they haven’t yet developed strategies that adults with ADHD develop.

Moodiness and Mood Disorders

Moods change very quickly throughout the day when you have ADHD. There can be many episodes of happiness, sadness, and frustration—all in one afternoon.

In addition, people with ADHD experience high rates of comorbid mood disorders that can cause irritability and fuel mood changes and flashes of anger, including:

Frustration

Frustration is an emotion that stems from challenges that stand in the way of goals. The ability to deal with frustration is known as frustration tolerance. Low tolerance to frustration can mean that people with ADHD feel frustrated quickly, and this can quickly result in anger outbursts.

Poor Self-Esteem

It’s common for children and adults with ADHD to experience low self-esteem. As children, ADHD symptoms can make it difficult for kids to experience academic achievement. It also makes it more challenging for them to make and keep friends, leading to a sense of isolation and lowered self-esteem that can persist into adulthood.

Medication Side Effects

In children, it is not uncommon for kids to experience a difficult period when their stimulant medications are wearing off, resulting in increased meltdowns and tantrums. This is known as medication rebound and is a result of the speed at which your particular child metabolizes the medication.

Let your doctor know if your child is experiencing medication rebound. Since it tends to occur more frequently with shorter-acting stimulants that can move out of your child’s system quickly, your doctor may add a very small dose of immediate-release medicine about an hour before this rebound effect occurs so that the transition off the medicine is smoother.

Excess Energy

Excess energy, or hyperactivity, can present as physical and verbal overactivity. The energy and restlessness that come along with ADHD may be too much to handle at times until it finally bubbles over into angry words or physical reactions.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Approximately one-third of all children with ADHD also have oppositional defiant disorder. Children with ODD display defiant, hostile behaviors towards authority figures.

They often lose their temper, frequently argue with adults, actively defy rules, blame others, deliberately annoy others, are touchy, easily annoyed, and behave in angry, resentful ways overall.

Obviously, some oppositional behaviors are expected in children, and ODD is only diagnosed if the pattern of behavior is significantly more intense and frequent when compared to other children of the same age. If you think your child might have ODD, book an appointment with your pediatrician. 

How to Help Your Child

As a parent, it can be hard to see your child losing control. While you can’t make the anger disappear, you can help your child better manage these intense emotions. Here are a few tips to help.

Work With Your Child’s Doctor

Working closely with your child’s doctor is crucial to managing your child’s anger. They can prescribe appropriate medication and recommend therapy, special accommodations, social skills, and lifestyle changes.

Encourage Exercise

If anger is an issue for your child, be sure to provide appropriate outlets. Strenuous outdoor play and exercise can be very powerful releases for children with ADHD.

Running, jumping, skipping, climbing—these basic physical activities will help release some of the tension, restlessness, and extra energy that often accompany ADHD. Make sure your child engages in this type of play daily. 

Try Martial Arts

Consider enrolling your child in a martial arts class. Martial arts are an excellent exercise choice for an ADHD child. They help develop self-discipline and self-control, which in turn help with impulsivity. They also improve self-esteem and are a wonderful way to release energy. 

Help Your Child Express Emotions

Encourage your child to “use their words” rather than act aggressively. This might be hard for them to begin with because it is a new skill.

However, with practice and a little help from you, it will become easier. Being able to articulate how they are feeling lessens their need to express themselves through anger. For example, “Jimmy took my red car, and I feel mad.”

Notice Patterns

There may be particular times of day when your child’s anger appears to peak. Taking note of any patterns can ensure you’re better prepared to handle these outbursts. For example, you may notice their anger is more intense at these times:

• After school, when your child can let down their guard and release pent-up feelings
• When they are feeling hungry or tired
• When they are experiencing frustration with a task
• When their ADHD medication is wearing off

Limit Screen Time

Supervise the programs your child watches on television or on the computer. Much of the media on TV, movies, video games, etc. is violent, aggressive, and inappropriate.

Set Clear, Consistent Rules

Make sure you have clear house rules around behavior. When your child is settled and able to talk, sit down and come up with the rules together. Discuss expectations and consequences for behaviors, including a reward system. Then, once they are in place, stick to them.

Don’t change the rules or create new consequences in the middle of an outburst. Be matter-of-fact: “If that happens, then this is the consequence.” Firm boundaries are helpful for you both. If your child is working with a therapist or counselor, you may want to ask for recommendations for discipline strategies that work well for kids with ADHD.

How to Manage Anger as an Adult With ADHD

If you have adult ADHD and experience frequent feelings of anger, there are strategies that can help you cope. 

• Exercise: Staying physically active has a number of benefits for people with ADHD, including improving mood, reducing impulsivity, and increasing attention. It may also help reduce feelings of hostility, which can help you better manage feelings of anger.
• Consider medication: Stimulant medications may be useful for reducing symptoms of irritability.
• Improve self-regulation: Work on developing self-regulation skills to find new ways to manage feelings of frustration.
• Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can help you become more aware of your emotions in the present moment, which can help you regulate your feelings more effectively.

Understanding how kids think, learn, and grow is important for parents, educators, anyone else who is part of children’s lives, and, frankly, anyone who wants to gain insights into the impact of their *own* childhood (aka all of us). Child psychology is one of the many branches of psychology. Also often referred to as developmental psychology, this particular branch focuses on the mind and behavior of children. That includes everything that happens from prenatal development through the end of adolescence.

Child psychology deals with how children grow physically and seeks better to understand their mental, emotional, and social development.

Today, experts look at the many factors that impact how kids develop, including their cultural, social, and socioeconomic contexts. By exploring topics such as cognitive development, genetics, language, and social growth, experts are better able to help kids thrive. Having a solid understanding of how children grow, think, and behave helps parents and professionals working with children be better prepared to help the kids in their care.

How Our Understanding of Child Psychology Has Changed

Historically, children were often viewed simply as smaller versions of adults. When Jean Piaget suggested that children actually think differently than adults, Albert Einstein proclaimed that the discovery was “so simple that only a genius could have thought of it.”

Experts differ in their responses to some of the bigger questions in child psychology, such as whether early experiences matter more than later ones or whether nature or nurture plays a greater role in development. Because childhood sets the course for the rest of life, it is little wonder why this topic has become so important in psychology, sociology, and education.

Experts focus not only on the many influences that contribute to normal child development but also on various factors that might lead to psychological problems during childhood. Self-esteem, school, parenting, social pressures, and other subjects are all of tremendous interest to child psychologists, who strive to help kids develop and grow in healthy and appropriate ways.

Key Aspects of Development in Child Psychology

To understand children’s psychology, it’s important to understand the major aspects of development and how they unfold.

Physical Development

As they grow, kids experience important physical changes that can also impact their psychological development. In addition to the obvious physical changes, they also acquire more sophisticated motor skills that allow them to interact with their environment in different ways. This influences their ability to learn new things and develop new abilities.

Cognitive Development

Piaget suggested that children go through a series of cognitive stages of development. During the early stages, children acquire knowledge through their sensory experiences. They then progress through increasingly complex stages, where they learn to think symbolically, logically, and abstractly.

Emotional Development

Children begin life dependent on others and gradually develop a greater sense of self-awareness and self-regulation. Secure attachments with caregivers play an important part in helping kids form strong foundations for their future emotional relationships.

Through their interactions and experiences, kids become better at understanding and managing emotions. During adolescence, kids develop a sense of identity, independence, and empathy that can foster greater belongingness and social connection.

Social Development

The early years of a child’s life involve interactions with caregivers and immediate family members. As kids grow, they begin to forge social connections with others in the community, particularly their classmates. They learn to cooperate, share, and resolve conflicts. During middle childhood and adolescence, friendships take center stage and help kids shape their social identity and sense of self within their communities.

Major Contexts in Children’s Psychology

If you are like most people, you probably think about the internal factors that influence how a child grows, such as genetics and personal characteristics. However, development involves much more than the influences that arise from within an individual.

There are three major contexts that we need to consider in our analysis of child psychology.

Cultural Context

The culture a child lives in contributes a set of values, customs, shared assumptions, and ways of living that influence development throughout the lifespan. Culture may play a role in how children relate to their parents, the type of education they receive, and the type of childcare that is provided.

Social Context

Relationships with peers and adults have an effect on how children think, learn, and develop. Families, schools, and peer groups all make up an important part of the social context.

Socioeconomic Context

Social class can also influence child development in critical ways. Socioeconomic status (often abbreviated as SES), is based upon a number of different factors including how much education people have, how much money they earn, the job they hold, and where they live.

Children raised in households with a high socioeconomic status tend to have greater access to opportunities, while those from households with lower socioeconomic status may have less access to such things as health care, quality nutrition, and education. Such factors can have a major impact on child psychology.

Factors Influencing Child Psychology

Child psychology encompasses a wide range of topics, from the genetic influences on behavior to the social pressures on development. The following are just some of the major subjects that are essential to the study of child psychology:

Child psychologists, for example, might examine which childcare settings and practices lead to the best psychological outcomes or work with children to help them develop growth mindsets. 

Humans are wired to be social creatures. We crave connections with others, and we need these connections to survive and thrive. When we don’t feel like our need for social connection and relationships is met, we feel isolated from the group or lonely, which can have significant effects on our health.

The Loneliness Test

Take this fast and free quiz to help you determine whether or not you may be struggling with feelings of loneliness:

Who Is This Loneliness Quiz For?

This quiz is for anyone who feels like they may be experiencing loneliness. It can help you better understand your feelings and determine if you may benefit from taking steps to help you feel more connected to others. Each question relates to life experiences common to having feelings of loneliness.

What To Know About Loneliness 

Loneliness can be described as a feeling or state of being. It’s more than being by yourself or without the company of others. Someone can be surrounded by people, even friends and family, and still feel lonely because they feel disconnected or like they aren’t getting their emotional needs met.

Research shows that loneliness can have a negative impact on health. In response to concerns about loneliness in the United States, US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory aimed at solutions to help people feel more connected to society and their community. In an 81-page report, the US Surgeon General’s Advisory calls loneliness a public health concern and cites data that about half of US adults report experiencing loneliness. The report also includes findings from a study that when asked how emotionally close they felt to others, less than half (39%) of US adults said they felt very connected to others.

Causes of Loneliness

There’s no one cause of loneliness. Everyone experiences the feeling differently. 

One reason people experience loneliness is because social connections are lost. This can happen when people move to a new location, experience the death of a partner or loved one, become isolated from a social circle, or feel a lack of connection with the people in close proximity.

In younger generations, social media usage has become a contributor to people’s loneliness. A survey by YouGov found that Millennials—a generation more likely to use social media heavily—are more likely to feel lonely than Gen Xers and Baby Boomers. Research also suggests that people who use social media to maintain relationships feel lonelier than people who use social media for other reasons.

Loneliness vs. Being Alone

Some people enjoy solitude or alone time. It can provide space to reflect or recharge and be good for your mental health. You can be alone and not feel lonely. People who are alone but not lonely usually choose to have this alone time.

Health Risks of Loneliness

Loneliness has an impact on both mental and physical health. Research suggests loneliness as a potential risk factor for dementia, heart disease, and stroke in adults aged 50 and older. However, health risks from loneliness can affect people of all ages. These include:

• Increased risk of substance use
• Heart disease and stroke
• Depression 
• Anxiety
• Increased risk of suicide

You may feel like you’re alone, but you’re not. Loneliness is something all of us feel from time to time, Do your best to stay connected to friends and loved ones, don’t be afraid to meet new people, and try to grow more comfortable asking for help from a trusted individual or therapist if you need it. Remember, even if it doesn’t seem that way, there are people who care and want to help.

Eldest daughter syndrome is a colloquial term used to describe the complex experience of being the eldest female-identifying child. If you are a big sister or the oldest girl in your family, you probably already have a sense of what we’re talking about.

This experience stems from birth-order dynamics that tend to occur in families; in this case, eldest daughters are often given outsized responsibility for caregiving, household responsibilities, and emotional labor. Eldest daughters often assume these duties at an early age, a burden that can shape personality, behaviors, relationships, and well-being throughout childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

According to San Francisco therapist Dr. Avigail Lev, the dynamics within a family depend on factors such as the number of siblings. Suppose she is put into a parentified role where she has to mother, nurture, or take responsibility for these younger siblings. In that case, it can have a significant impact on her relationship and interactions with them.

Remember that eldest daughter syndrome isn’t a condition recognized by the official “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM-5-TR). Instead, it is a pattern many people have noticed in their lives, either from first-hand experience or by witnessing these effects in their own families.

Understanding Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Both traditional gender roles and birth-order effects influence the pressures felt by eldest daughters. Gender stereotypes suggest that women should be nurturing, natural caregivers, making the eldest daughter one of the default caregivers in the family. Among siblings, eldest siblings tend to face higher expectations when it comes to achievements, behaviors, and responsibilities placed by parents. 

“The eldest daughter or eldest siblings, in general, are kind of like the ‘test’ siblings because they are the first child. The next child gets better treatment, benefiting from the learnings from the first child,” Dr. Lev says.

This two-fold threat means eldest daughters often face incredibly high expectations from family members. These daughters are expected to set the ‘gold standard’ example that other siblings will follow. They also experience parentification from an early age, where they are expected to take responsibility for their younger siblings, acting almost as a defacto parent when mom or dad aren’t around. 

From setting a good example for siblings to follow to being expected to step into a parental role at a moment’s notice, eldest daughters often grapple with responsibilities far beyond their years and developmentally appropriate abilities.

Even still, eldest daughters are often tasked with taking on household tasks and chores that younger siblings are never given. This can also put first-born girls in the position of playing the villain or scapegoat in the family. They are often described as bossy or domineering by younger siblings, but also face the blame from parents when things don’t go according to plan.

This creates enormous pressure to succeed, contribute to the family’s success, and ensure everyone is cared for, happy, and content. 

Scientific Evidence of Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Eldest daughter syndrome has received considerable attention on social media in recent years, but researchers have also found solid evidence to support this tendency. In one 15-year longitudinal study conducted by researchers at the University of California-Los Angeles, researchers found that first-born daughters mature faster and are more likely to experience adrenal puberty.

Adrenal puberty involves changes such as the growth of body hair and certain aspects of cognitive maturation without other aspects of puberty, like breast development and menstruation. The study found that adrenal puberty was more common in eldest daughters whose mothers experienced high levels of prenatal stress.

The Psychological Impact

Being the eldest daughter in the family can come with additional emotional stress. Research has shown that parentification is associated with a range of negative consequences, including increased anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and personality disorders. While it can help children become more efficient in terms of task management and school achievement, this can contribute to problems like compulsive overwork.

Girls who experience eldest daughter syndrome may face challenges with:

Perfectionism

Research suggests that first-born children tend to have more advanced cognitive development, which may help them become more prepared for school. This can be advantageous, but it can also contribute to high expectations and perfectionism.

Eldest daughters may experience tremendous pressure to meet their parents’ and other family members’ high expectations. This can lead to high achievement, but it can also contribute to high levels of perfectionism that can damage mental well-being.

Anxiety

This tendency toward perfectionism combined with the high level of responsibility that eldest daughters are given can become a recipe for anxiety and stress. Trying to fulfill many roles, take on too many tasks, and meet everyone’s expectations can cause the eldest daughters to feel overwhelmed.

Identity Challenges

Girls may also find themselves struggling to create an identity outside of the roles imposed on them by their families. This can make it hard to identify and pursue personal goals that are separate from their family’s expectations.

Relationship Problems

Dr. Lev notes that sibling relationships can vary depending on the siblings’ gender. With younger brothers, there is often less competition and less resentment. Relationships with younger sisters may be more complicated, she notes.

“Usually, with two female daughters, the younger sibling is more carefree and confident, while the older sibling tends to be more responsible, more successful, and sees the family dynamics more accurately than the younger siblings,” Dr. Lev says.

The parentification that eldest daughters experience within their own families can carry over to later adult relationships, including romantic relationships and friendships. It isn’t uncommon for eldest daughters to take on a similar role of responsibility within their friend groups or with their partners.

Self-Esteem

High expectations and perfectionism often leave eldest daughters feeling like nothing they do is good enough. This can have a damaging effect on self-concept and self-esteem.

Lack of Support

Eldest daughters often find themselves tasked with solving problems and caring for others on their own. Because they always feel like they need to be strong and self-reliant, they may struggle to ask for help when they need it. This can create feelings of isolation and loneliness and make it hard for people to get the support that they need.

Eldest daughters need to find a way to balance their own needs with the family’s needs. But this isn’t always easy, particularly when you’ve been conditioned to take on more responsibility.

Cultural and Societal Factors

Cultural and societal norms can also contribute to eldest daughter syndrome. Cultural norms may dictate that elder siblings fulfill certain roles in the family, particularly when those children are girls.

These norms also intersect with traditional gender roles and expectations. Because stereotypical norms suggest that women and girls are nurturing caregivers, eldest daughters are often tasked with living up to these roles. 

Social and economic inequities also impact eldest daughters in various ways. When families face economic hardships, the oldest daughter may need to work to provide financial support or give up other opportunities to care for siblings while her parents work. These inequalities can impact other areas of her life, including access to education, work advancement, and healthcare.

Breaking the Cycle

Dr. Lev explains that the single most important thing you can do to cope with being the eldest daughter is to let go of the need to have your family see your reality. “If you’re in the villain role in the family, see if you can just accept it and not try to change the family system’s perspective,” she says. 

“The eldest daughter usually views the family system very differently if she has siblings. The younger siblings tend to idealize the parents and see the better parts of the parents and the family system. The eldest daughter needs to let go of any desire to shape the perspective or get them to see reality,” she explains.

Other strategies that Lev suggests include the following:

Learn Assertiveness Skills and Develop Strong Boundaries

Because eldest daughters are often conditioned to take responsibility for others, it’s important to create strong boundaries and learn how to assert one’s needs when such lines are crossed. 

Dr. Lev notes that eldest daughters are sometimes more susceptible to getting into relationships with people who are needy, codependent, or who push her into a caretaker role. 

“She needs to have very good boundaries, assert her needs, and stand up for herself,” she says.

However, eldest daughters should be patient with themselves if they struggle with this process. This is because they’ve learned to feel loved through this parentified role and may feel a lot of guilt setting boundaries because they have grown up believing they are responsible for the duties they were assigned.

Differentiate Between Independence and Excessive Self-Reliance

The sense of independence you might have gained as the eldest daughter can be a strength, but it can become a hindrance if it leads to your becoming so self-reliant that you cannot ask for or accept help when needed.

Consider situations where you might be taking on too much and look for opportunities to get help and nurturing from others instead of being the one always to give it, Dr. Lev says.

Practicing Self-Compassion and Self-Care

Dr. Lev also recommends strategies like practicing self-compassion and loving-kindness meditations. This can be a powerful tool for learning to give yourself the sort of kindness, compassion, and care that you might not have received as a child.

Consider Therapy

If you are struggling with the effects of eldest daughter syndrome, consider talking to a licensed mental health professional. Psychotherapy can be a great way to process your experiences and develop new coping skills to improve your behaviors, thinking, emotions, and relationships.

“Learning tools from schema therapy to reparent herself and heal her inner child involves giving herself the things she was not given as a child and learning to meet the needs that were not met,” Dr. Lev says.

Personal Stories and Perspectives on Eldest Daughter Syndrome

Kristen Jacobsen, LCPC, a licensed therapist and owner of Cathartic Space Counseling, has personal experience with the heavy toll that being the oldest daughter can bring. She notes that as the eldest daughter in her family, there was constant pressure to set the right example, put her sibling’s needs before her own, and act as the mediator in disputes.

In her own life, she noticed that this early conditioning led to people-pleasing tendencies. “In friendships and romantic relationships, I’d automatically assume the role of the listener, the supporter, always ready to offer advice or a shoulder to lean on, sometimes forgetting that it’s a two-way street,” she explains.

For Jessica Plonchak (LCSW, MBA, LCADC), the Executive Clinical Director at ChoicePoint Health, being the eldest daughter meant guilt trips and a prevailing feeling of being insufficient. 

In addition to protecting and caring for younger siblings, she also describes the need to protect parents from seeing these struggles. Plonchak explains that this often means needing your parents but feeling like you can’t ask for help because they are busy tending to the needs of younger siblings. This can create an upside-down dynamic, where you feel you can’t express discontent with the situation or allow parents to see your struggles for fear of hurting them.

The emotional burdens of being the eldest daughter can interact with other aspects of identity for women and girls from marginalized backgrounds. One TikTok creator noted the challenges of being the eldest daughter in an African household. The result, she notes, was becoming “a chronic people pleaser who takes on more than they can handle.”

If you’ve ever heard the cliché phrases, “the glass is half full” or “the glass is half empty” used to demonstrate a positive or negative mindset, then you already have a good sense of the difference between optimism and pessimism. But where you fall on this spectrum can affect a lot more than how you view a water glass—it can affect your entire outlook on life.

Take the Quiz

If you’re wondering how optimistic or pessimistic you are, this free and fast quiz can help give you an idea.

Who Is This Optimism/Pessimism Quiz For?

This quiz is for anyone who is curious about their mindset and how they respond to the world around them. Maybe your friends and loved ones have told you you’re too much of a Debbie Downer or that you need to be more realistic. Even if that’s not the case, we can all benefit from some introspection every once in a while to take a look at how we view the world.

Ultimately, there are pros and cons to every mindset depending on the situation, so your result is really only a snapshot into how you may view similar situations rather than an all-encompassing assessment of your mindset.

An optimist, pessimist, and realist all think differently. If we think about CBT and  about automatic thoughts, we can think of this in terms of how people automatically think—where their brain goes to first.

Are You More of an Optimist?

Optimism is most commonly characterized by the mindset of hopefulness and positivity about the future. An optimist assumes that things will work out for the best, even in the face of hardship or when it seems like the odds aren’t in their favor.

When all possible outcomes are laid out, an optimist puts their faith in the option that will be advantageous to everyone involved.

People who are optimists at their core have a consistently optimistic outlook on life. This is a key distinction to make, because someone who is innately optimistic would usually forgo any doubt that things will get better.

But just because you aren’t an optimist by nature doesn’t mean you can’t adopt and optimistic mentality. For most people, optimism is a state of mind that has to be fostered. 

Furthermore, research shows that the type of positive thinking associated being optimistic has numerous benefits for your overall health and wellbeing. Some of these benefits include a reduction in stress and depression, greater resistance to disease, and even improved longevity.

Potential Pitfalls of Being Overly Optimistic

Even if you are generally optimistic by nature, it doesn’t mean you should assume nothing bad will ever happen. Life is full of ups, downs and changes that can come out of nowhere—this is a guarantee.

That mentality can lead to reckless behavior or decision-making, for instance, a gambler might always think they’ll win or a daredevil might always think they’ll make the jump. Being more optimistic does not exempt you from the laws of nature (or reality).

Are You More of a Pessimist?

On the opposite end of the positive-negative mindset spectrum there’s glass half empy thinking, better known as pessimism. Pessimism is the mindset that things will usually trend towards the least desirable outcome and the tendency to focus on the downside of a situation.

When someone is a pessimist they might be described as cynical or defeatist—seemingly resigning themself to a lack of hope around how things will turn out. The glass is half empty.

Having a consistently negative outlook on life is associated with depression and other mood disorders. Particularly if your negative outlook on life is affecting your ability to function or is causing suicidal ideation—when you feel like you have nothing to be hopeful about, you might wonder, what’s the point of life?

But, just like optimism, your degree of pessimism can be a choice. When you catch yourself thinking about something in an overly negative way you can take a second to be mindful of your thought process and maybe attempt to put a slightly more positive spin on it.

While it’s generally more advantageous to cultivate a positive outlook on life overall, there’s a thin line between unbridled optimism and toxic positivity. 

However, there is also research that says having low levels of pessimism—sometimes called realism—can also lead to better health and happiness because it keeps you more grounded and perhaps a little more matter of fact about life. 

Or Are You a Realist?

When you’re not quite an optimist but you’re also not quite a pessimist, you might be described as a ‘realist’. The mindset of a realist lands somewhere in the middle of the positivity and negativity spectrum because it accepts that both good and bad things will always happen. 

While being a realist is indeed a more neutral way of thinking, self-described realists are often considered to be callous, detached, or overly logical in their world view.

These descriptors certainly don’t apply to all realists. More often than not, a realist is simply somebody who takes things as they come and adapts accordingly.

A realist doesn’t really see the good or the bad, but sees the situation for what it is—they see a glass of water (it’s neither half full or half empty).

Can You Change Your Mindset?

Change is hard, especially when it comes to elements of your mindset or personality that may often feel set in stone from an early age. Think about all those New Year’s resolutions you’ve set—and probably given up on—over the years. We’ve all been there.

That said, change is far from impossible. By challenging your self-beliefs, setting SMART goals, and focusing on a growth mindset, you actually can change how you view and respond to the world.

If it feels like we’re all constantly psychoanalyzing ourselves and our relationships, you’d be right. Discussions around topics like narcissism, gaslighting, red flags, and toxic behavior are happening all over social media, but there’s more to an unhealthy relationship than just these buzzy terms.

Unhealthy relationships can have a significant detrimental impact on your health, happiness, and overall well-being.

The problem is that while some relationships are clearly toxic or even abusive, a lot of unhealthy relationship patterns can develop over time and be much more subtle.

While no relationship is perfect, it is important to be able to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship and know what to do to either change it or end it. Knowing what steps to take in this situation can make your relationship healthier and help you identify when to get professional help.

Are You in a Healthy Relationship? Take the Quiz

If you’ve got questions about your relationship, our fast and free quiz can help you better understand if your partnership is rock solid or if it could use some work.

This healthy relationship quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.

Common Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships

Every relationship is different and may change over time. A relationship can start out very healthy and slowly turn into something you need to fix (or get out of). And there are some important qualities that tend to characterize unhealthy relationships.

Relationships that are marked by these dynamics and problems tend to contribute to more tension, conflict, and stress. This can apply to romantic relationships, but other types of relationships can be affected by unhealthy patterns as well, including your relationships with family members, friends, and coworkers.

Control

In unhealthy relationships, one person may try to control the other person’s life. This may be done through intimidation, but it can also involve other types of manipulation.

Sometimes the person may engage in behaviors that seem extremely affectionate and loving. In reality, these actions are designed to keep tabs on the other individual and prevent them from doing things or going places where they are outside of the other person’s control.

Control may also take the form of possessiveness and jealousy. While both of these are normal human emotions that people may experience from time to time, they are unhealthy when someone is trying to control what you do, when they lash out at you when they become upset, or when they accuse you of infidelity.

Lack of Trust

Unhealthy relationships are often marked by a lack of trust. You might feel like you have to hide things from your partner, or you might often feel like they are hiding things from you. 

In order to develop healthy trust, both people in a relationship have to engage in mutual, reciprocal self-disclosure. This involves revealing things about yourself over time as the relationship deepens and grows. The process of sharing and listening contributes to feelings of emotional intimacy and closeness. But if you feel like you cannot trust the other person with your innermost feelings, you’re not likely to tell them your feeling, thoughts, or memories.

How trusting you and your partner are may be shaped, in part, by your overall attachment style. These patterns of behavior are often established in childhood based on interactions and experiences with caregivers, but they continue to shape how you respond in romantic relationships in adulthood.

If you have a history of not being able to depend on the people you should be able to trust the most, you may find it difficult to trust your romantic partners.

Disrespect

Disrespect can take a variety of forms in unhealthy relationships. Sometimes it might mean someone being dismissive of the other person. In other cases, it can involve outright ridiculing or making fun of the opinions or interests of the other person.

This disrespect can often feel like rejection, which can lead to a range of emotions including hurt feelings, shame, guilt, loneliness, embarrassment, and social anxiety.

Poor Communication

Good communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Unhealthy relationships are often marked by patterns of ineffective communication. This might involve not talking about problems, avoiding difficult issues, expecting the other person to be a mind reader, not listening, getting defensive, or stonewalling in order to avoid confronting problems in the relationship. 

Communication style has been shown to be a key predictor of divorce and has more of an impact than commitment, stress, and personality when it comes to marital success.

Am I in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Relationships often grow, change, shift, and sometimes fall apart over time. A relationship might be mostly healthy when things are going well, but the addition of stressors can create strain. People may respond by falling back on unhealthy coping mechanisms or by engaging in behaviors that are ultimately harmful to the health of their relationships.

Unhealthy relationships are often characterized by:

• Betrayal
• Blame
• Bullying
• Control
• Disrespect
• Dishonesty
• Drama
• Emotional abuse
• Fear
• Financial dishonesty or abuse
• Gaslighting
• Guilt
• Hostility
• Intimidation 
• Isolation
• Jealousy
• Loneliness
• Negativity
• Physical abuse
• Poor communication
• Ridicule
• Stress
• Unhappiness
• Verbal abuse

In an unhealthy relationship, you might feel like you always have to walk on eggshells around the other person. Or you might feel like you always have to hide what you really think or feel. You might even feel like you have to give up the things that you really want in order to keep the other person happy.

Another sign of an unhealthy relationship is the feeling that things are imbalanced. One-sided relationships are those in which one person invests more effort, energy, and emotion in maintaining the relationship. Such relationships can be unhealthy and often leave the person who is doing all the work feeling unsupported, isolated and drained.

Sometimes unhealthy behaviors can emerge during times of extreme stress. In other cases, persistent patterns of unhealthy behaviors may worsen over time or emerge during different stages of a relationship.

In some cases, these issues can be addressed using self-help strategies or with the help of a mental health professional. But if your relationship is affected by abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or sexual, your primary concern should be to ensure your safety.

How to Change an Unhealthy Relationship

The social connection and support that relationships provide are essential for both physical and emotional health. Studies have found that healthy relationships can affect your life in positive ways, including lowering your risk of dying and protecting you from loneliness and isolation.

Because good relationships are so essential for your well-being, it is essential to take steps to protect yourself from those that have the potential to damage your health. If you believe that you are in an unhealthy relationship, it is important to take steps to fix the problem.  

Decide if the Relationship Is Fixable

The first step is to decide whether or not the unhealthy relationship can be repaired. In order to heal the damage and move forward in a way that is healthy for both people involved,  it is necessary to make sure that both parties are willing to participate in making the relationship work. When one person is unwilling to change their unhealthy behavior, the relationship is likely not savable. 

Maintain Interdependence

Healthy relationships encourage interdependence instead of codependence. People who are interdependent understand the benefits of being able to turn to their partner when they need support, and they recognize the value and importance of supporting their partner. At the same time, they are able to maintain their own sense of self outside of their partner and their relationship with one another. 

When both people in a relationship strive for interdependence, they are able to strike a balance where they are able to offer emotional intimacy and support their partner’s needs while not becoming dependent on the other person.

Build a Healthy Connection

Building a healthy connection with the other person is a key step toward overcoming an unhealthy relationship. Once you’ve recognized the unhealthy or toxic patterns that have been detrimental to your relationship, it is important to work together to overcome them and build a healthier, more supportive connection, you can do this by taking the following steps.

1. Work together to recognize and avoid unhealthy patterns within your relationship. The first step toward building a healthy emotional connection is recognizing the problematic patterns that have been an issue for you both or any destructive behavior that has led you to this point of disconnection.
2. List the emotional needs that are important to you. You cannot expect your partner to fulfill emotional needs that you do not make clear to them, so it is essential to communicate these emotional goals for your relationship in order for there to be real emotional understanding and emotional connection between you both.
3. Offer emotional support to your partner. In order for an emotional connection to be established between you and the other person, both of you should be willing to offer emotional support in a positive manner that is free from guilt or manipulation.
4. Listen actively when your partner speaks. Verbal communication is an important part of emotional connection, so make sure you are supportive and foster these connections through meaningful conversation that demonstrates emotional interest, understanding, and support.
5. Avoid emotional manipulation. It is important not to use the emotional connection as a way of manipulating the other person into doing something they do not want to do, this will only damage your relationship further and reduce the emotional connection between you both.

Other strategies that can help:

• Maintain healthy boundaries
• Have personal goals and continue pursuing them
• Avoid minimizing yourself to please other people
• Focus on being your authentic self
• Spend time learning about what you like and what’s important to you
• Expect others to treat you with respect and show respect for them
• Maintain your relationships with other people outside of the relationship

When to Seek Help

There are things that you can do on your own to strengthen your relationship, but sometimes you might benefit from reaching out to a mental health professional for help.

A therapist can also help in cases where people have different expectations of what they hope to get out of a relationship. For example, in unhealthy one-sided relationships, one person might be carrying more of the work because they are more committed while the other person is less invested.

A mental health professional can also help couples work on unhealthy communication skills that can be creating toxicity and conflict in the relationship. A therapist can also help each person develop and practice skills that can help them deal with conflict more effectively.

Avoiding conflict is not possible or even advisable—even healthy relationships experience disagreement and conflict. The key is knowing how to handle it effectively. When handled well, it allows people to address problems and make changes that are ultimately good for the health of the relationship.

When to End an Unhealthy Relationship

Not every relationship is worth saving. If you’ve done your part but the other person is not willing to change or help, it may be time to walk away and invest your effort in healthier, more supportive relationships with other people.

If the other person has no interest in changing or if the situation involves abuse in any form, ending the relationship is often the best way to protect your well-being.