Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Asking someone on a date involves taking the initiative to let them know what you are thinking and feeling, asking for what will make you happy, and at the same time considering the feelings of the other person. Asking someone out can be intimidating, even if you aren’t someone who usually experiences anxiety in social situations. 

This article discusses why asking someone on a date is often so intimidating. It also covers why it can be more difficult if you have social anxiety and tips for how to ask someone on a date, whether in person or online.

Why You Are Afraid to Ask Someone on a Date

Even if you are generally not an anxious person, it may be hard to imagine how to ask someone on a date. You might wonder how the encounter might play out or worry about how they will respond.

You might worry about the same things that you expect to happen in other social situations, such as not being interesting enough or the other person noticing your nervousness. On top of that, you’re probably worried that you will be rejected.

This type of social interaction can be particularly anxiety-provoking because it involves making yourself vulnerable and risking rejection. If you have social anxiety disorder or a fear of vulnerability, asking someone out can be particularly daunting. 

When people are anxious, their first response is often to avoid the situations that contribute to these unpleasant feelings. Unfortunately, avoiding anxiety-provoking situations tends to worsen anxiety over time. 

Dating is the ultimate form of putting yourself out there and risking receiving a “no” in return. Fortunately, there are ways to make the process easier on yourself and the other person so that it doesn’t have to feel so stressful or pressured.

Dating and Social Anxiety

Dating can be particularly challenging for people who have social anxiety, especially when asking someone out. Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is characterized by a fear of social situations, especially those that may lead to embarrassment, scrutiny, or rejection.

Even though people with the condition may recognize that their fears are out of proportion to the threat, they still often experience severe physical anxiety symptoms in response to social situations.

To avoid experiencing these physical and emotional symptoms, people with SAD often avoid the social situations that trigger their fear. Unfortunately, these can lead to social isolation and loneliness.

People who have the condition may have few friends and no romantic relationships. While this avoidance coping provides temporary relief, it increases feelings of anxiety, making future social situations even more difficult.

Asking Someone on a Date

Thinking about what to say when asking someone on a date can help alleviate some of your stress. If you feel prepared and know what to say, you’re more likely to feel confident as you approach the other person.

Below is a sample script for asking someone on a date. It can be helpful to read through an example of how this type of conversation might play out and then consider how you might apply this example in your own life.

James is interested in a girl he works with named Sarah. He has never developed the courage to ask her out. He’s waited, hoping that maybe she will initiate a conversation, but he also thinks she might be too shy to make the first move.

The best approach for James is to frame the request casually as part of a conversation. He will feel less anxious that way (there is less risk of “outright” rejection), and the other person can say no without feeling bad.

When speaking with the other person, smile, make eye contact, and keep your body language friendly and open. If the other person is not receptive to your conversation or does not accept your invitation, do not take it personally. There is nothing to be gained by dwelling on rejection. Instead, congratulate yourself for asking.

Online Dating

The increasing popularity of online dating may be helpful for those with dating or social anxiety, as it gives you the opportunity meet people in a less demanding social environment. Online dating can have a number of benefits.

However, online dating can also involve many of the same pitfalls as in-person dating. Some evidence also suggests that online dating can worsen pre-existing mood disorders and may contribute to feelings of psychological distress, particularly among people who are sensitive to rejection.

Online dating gives you the chance to get to know someone online first before asking them to go on a date in a real-world setting. This can be particularly helpful if you are anxious about asking them out since you can get to know them better before requesting a date.

You might suggest meeting up in a public place for coffee or lunch, or maybe going to see a movie together. While you may have already established a connection online, limiting your first offline interaction to an hour or two can help take some of the pressure off.

Knowing what not to say to someone with bipolar disorder can mean the difference between a positive interaction and a painful, infuriating, depressing—even destructive—experience for them. This article discusses some things you can do and say to support someone with bipolar disorder, as well as a few to avoid saying.

Overview of Bipolar Disorder

If you want to know how to support a friend or loved one with bipolar disorder, learning more about the condition can be a helpful first step. Bipolar disorder is a mental health condition characterized by extreme fluctuations in mood. These shifts in mood make it difficult for a person to function in their daily life including at work, at home, and in relationships. 

The mood fluctuations that people experience can include mania, hypomania, depression, and mixed episodes. It is also important to recognize that bipolar disorder is strongly influenced by genetics, but environmental factors, such as poor social support and trauma, are also thought to play a role in triggering the onset of the condition.

What Not to Say

Some things you should never say to someone who has bipolar disorder include the following.

“You’re Just Overreacting Again”

Overreacting is a symptom of bipolar disorder, but phrases like this minimize the person’s experience of this symptom. When supporting a loved one living with a mental health condition like bipolar disorder, it’s important that your words demonstrate empathy rather than exasperation.

Your loved one may very well be overreacting compared to how you would perceive the situation, but describing their feelings as “just” overreacting trivializes their lived experience and communicates shame rather than compassion.

“Anything That Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”

Yes, it’s true that some people go through difficult experiences, learn from them, and come out of them stronger. But this phrase is wrong—bipolar disorder can kill. At least 25% to 60% of people with bipolar disorder attempt suicide and between 4% and 16% die from suicide.

Leave this cliche out of your repertoire. If you have a friend or family member with bipolar disorder, be aware that they might go into a crisis and need your support.

“Everybody Has Mood Swings Sometimes”

That’s true. For one thing, 8% of American adults and 4% of adolescents have major depressive disorder, having periods of euthymia and depression. Even among those who do not have a diagnosable mental health disorder, people experience changes in mood.

But only people with bipolar disorder, cyclothymia, schizoaffective disorder, and related severe mental illnesses have repeated and severe mood swings between mania or hypomania and depression.

“Everyone Is a Little Bipolar Sometimes”

This similar phrase is insensitive for the same reasons. Having mood swings is not the same as having bipolar disorder. Statements like this minimize the severity of the symptoms that a person with bipolar disorder lives with and dismisses their experiences.

“You Are Psycho”

Nuts, crazy, cuckoo, deranged, bonkers, or any one of a dozen negative words and phrases that refer to someone’s mental state are insensitive and harmful to people with mental health disorders. You might be used to throwing such phrases around to brand your friends’ behavior without realizing how they can be hurtful to someone who is coping with a disorder.

“You’re Acting Like a Maniac”

Though the historical definition of “maniac” referred to someone experiencing mania, today the term carries with it a host of extremely negative and misleading connotations.

Maniacs are often portrayed as violent and deranged in popular culture. Experiencing bipolar mania does not automatically mean that a person will be dangerous. Bipolar disorder is also not the same thing as antisocial personality disorder or psychopathy.

You should also be wary of any language that defines a person by their disorder. A person is much more than a disease or illness.

“I Wish I Was Manic So I Could Get Things Done”

That’s not all there is to mania.​ ​There are many symptoms of mania, and comments like this not only trivialize a person’s experience with mania but also demonstrate a harmful lack of understanding of what mania actually is. While a person may indeed have a lot of energy during a manic episode, they can also experience racing thoughts, trouble sleeping, and impulsive behavior among other challenges.

“But You Seem So Normal”

Maybe the person with bipolar disorder is between cycles, or maybe they are good at hiding what they’re feeling. They may be in a hypomanic episode and only the good things about it are visible from the outside. Consider how this would sound if you had a serious illness such as cancer and someone said, “You can’t be sick, you look so normal!”

“It Must Be Your Time of the Month”

Monthly hormonal changes often affect mood, but passing off bipolar disorder as being nothing more than PMS is just wrong. Bipolar disorder also doesn’t discriminate: It can affect people of all sexes, not just those who menstruate. Any person is liable to take offense at this statement, let alone a person with bipolar disorder.

How to Help Someone With Bipolar Disorder

Take care to avoid saying insensitive phrases to a person with bipolar disorder, or really, to anyone. Let your words be encouraging and supportive, without marginalizing people with psychiatric disorders.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests that you can help someone with bipolar disorder by being patient, encouraging them to talk, and spending your time listening. Invite them to join in fun activities. Understand that they may have mood swings. Let them know that it’s possible to feel better with patience and the right treatment.

In addition to avoiding the types of comments above, you can do a few things to support a loved one who has bipolar disorder. This support can be particularly important when someone is experiencing a mood episode.

Listen

You don’t always need to know exactly what to say. Oftentimes, one of the best things you can do is simply be willing to listen. Try being supportive and compassionate when they share their worries, frustrations, and other concerns.

Provide Practical Support

In addition to being a source of emotional support, you can also lend a hand in practical ways. During mood episodes, people with bipolar disorder may struggle to keep up with the demands of daily life. Ask if you can help them with things like errands and making sure bills are paid.

Encourage Treatment Adherence

Treatment for bipolar disorder often includes medication and psychotherapy. You can support your friend by offering to take them to their therapy appointments and encouraging them to take their medication. 

Research suggests that about half of all people with bipolar disorder stop adhering to their treatment to some degree. This can cause symptoms to worsen and can be risky when people experience mood episodes or increased suicidality.

Social support has been shown to be an important factor affecting treatment adherence, so being supportive and optimistic about your loved one’s treatment outlook can make a real difference.

Have a Plan

Because bipolar disorder is often unpredictable and can change quickly, it is important to have a plan for what you can do if your friend is engaging in risky behavior or is feeling suicidal. Create a plan with your friend to determine what steps you can take in these situations to help.

Doing things like holding on to credit cards, checkbooks, and cash can help minimize the financial harm caused by impulsive episodes. Knowing when to stay with your friend and when to seek medical attention are also essential parts of a good safety plan.