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Although sibling sexual abuse is a commonly-occurring form of childhood sexual abuse, it tends to be less discussed. Some parents try to explain it away as normal childhood curiosity, but it’s a harmful form of control that can leave victims feeling frightened and alone.

If you’re a parent or guardian, it’s important to learn the facts about sibling sexual abuse and the signs to watch for. We also discuss the risk factors, impact, and steps you can take to prevent this type of abuse, as well as how to respond if you suspect that sibling sexual abuse has occurred.

Facts About Sibling Sexual Abuse

Here are some facts about sexual abuse between siblings that it is important to know.

Sibling Sexual Abuse is Common

Sexual abuse among siblings happens more frequently than most people realize. Some research suggests that it is the most common form of child sexual abuse. It is estimated that sexual abuse perpetrated by a sibling may occur up to three times as often as sexual abuse by a parent.

Sibling sexual abuse is also not limited to certain types of families—it can happen in many different kinds of households. Siblings can be biological or they may be adopted, foster, stepchildren, or other non-related children residing in the same home.

Sibling Sexual Abuse Is Underreported

It is difficult to determine the true prevalence of sibling sexual abuse since it often goes unreported, for several reasons. Some of the reasons that the victim may not report sexual abuse by a sibling include:

• Fearing that they will be blamed, punished, or not believed
• Being afraid of the offending sibling
• Not identifying the abuse as an act of aggression
• Not wanting to upset their parents or get their sibling in trouble
• Not wanting anyone else to know about the abuse

In some cases, the victimized sibling does go to a parent and it is the parent who fails to report the abuse to authorities. Reasons for this failure to report include:

• Not believing that the actions were harmful
• Believing that the behaviors were consensual
• Dismissing the behaviors as normal childhood sexual explorations
• Not wanting to believe that their child could be sexually abusive (a defense mechanism of denial)

There’s a Difference Between Sexual Curiosity and Abuse

Some brush off sexual abuse committed by a sibling as the offending sibling’s harmless curiosity about or exploration of sexual behaviors. This is exacerbated by the fact that sibling sexual abuse is not well-defined.

Some define sibling sexual abuse as violent and non-violent sexual behaviors occurring between children who’ve been raised together that cause sexual, physical, and emotional harm. These behaviors range from non-contact activities, such as encouraging a sibling to act inappropriately sexually, to penetration by force.

Yet, there’s a difference between sexual curiosity and sexual abuse, which is more clearly addressed by other definitions. One such definition of sibling sexual abuse is “sexual behavior between siblings that is not age appropriate, not transitory and not motivated by developmentally appropriate curiosity.”

Sibling Sexual Abuse Is About Power

Research indicates that misuse of power is present in most sibling sexual abuse cases. When thinking of power, someone in a parent role may be the first to come to mind. But siblings can be in a position of power as well, often by being older in age or more advanced developmentally.

Offending siblings may then use this power to satisfy themselves, regardless of the impact of the sexual trauma on their younger or less developmentally-advanced family members.

Offenders Are Often Older Male Siblings, But Not Always

In most sibling sexual abuse cases, the perpetrator is an older brother with the victim being a younger sister. Although, this isn’t always the case, making it important to understand that sexual abuse can and does occur between all types of siblings, regardless of age differences or gender.

Because a majority of sexual offenders are male, it can be difficult to think of a sexual offender being female. Yet, one study on sexual abuse of young adolescents found that 21.7% of minors were victimized by a female offender.

Signs of Sibling Sexual Abuse

Recognizing the signs of sibling sexual abuse is critical to addressing this issue, especially when so many victims fail to disclose. In some cases, the signs are physical, including the child reporting abdominal pain with no known cause, genital pain or bleeding, reoccurring urinary tract infections, or incontinence.

Other times, signs of sexual abuse are more behavioral. The following actions may suggest that a minor child has been sexually abused by a sibling:

• Engaging in sexual behaviors, talking about sex, or having sexual knowledge that is inappropriate for their age
• Not talking as much as they usually do or spending more time alone
• Not wanting to be left alone with their sibling, especially if they used to love spending time with them
• Regressive behaviors, including bedwetting or sucking their thumb
• Not wanting their clothes removed to change or bathe
• Changes in their eating habits
• Mood changes, such as increased aggressiveness, worry, or fear
• Decreases in their self-confidence
• Increases in their anxiety or depression, or a loss of interest in their friends or activities they once enjoyed
• Experiencing nightmares or not wanting to be alone at night
• Expressing suicidal thoughts or behaviors or engaging in self-harm

Risk Factors for Sibling Sexual Abuse

Because kids don’t often report sibling sexual abuse and parents may dismiss, deny, or overlook it, it is difficult for psychologists and other experts to fully understand why it happens and what factors contribute to this type of abuse.

Some factors that may influence or increase the risk of sibling sexual abuse include:

• Age differences: Abuse may be more likely when there is an age gap of at least two years between the siblings. This age difference creates a power imbalance.
• Abuse of responsibility: Some kids who are placed in a position of responsibility for younger children lack the ability to manage their behaviors and abuse this imbalanced power dynamic.
• Previous sexual abuse: Children who’ve been abused are more likely to engage in intrusive sexual behaviors and may be more likely to perpetrate sibling sexual abuse or to be abused by a sibling.
• Neglect: Kids who are neglected by caregivers may be more likely to engage in sexual activities. Lack of adult supervision and care can contribute to kids seeking contact with others to address unmet emotional needs. Unsupervised kids may also be more likely to come into contact with pornographic materials.
• Lack of sex education: Children who lack age-appropriate sex education may be more likely to be abused or to perpetrate sexual abuse.

Preventing Sibling Sexual Abuse

Giving your children the care and attention they need can help prevent sibling sexual abuse. Some steps you can take to reduce the risk include:

• Make sure your children are properly supervised: Always make sure your kids are supervised by a responsible person, whether they are at school, at home, or in another setting.
• Talk to your children: Set aside time each day to discuss the events of the day and address any questions or concerns your children may have.
• Use age-appropriate sex education: Teaching your kids about their bodies and sexuality in a developmentally-appropriate way is an essential abuse prevention strategy.
• Monitor your children’s online activities: The internet enables certain sexually abusive behaviors, such as sharing suggestive images, sharing pornography, or filming and sharing abusive acts. Being aware of what your child is doing online can be an important tool for prevention.
• Be supportive: If your child says that someone has abused them or behaved inappropriately, it is absolutely imperative that you believe them, take steps to address the abuse, and get help for your child.

Impacts of Sibling Sexual Abuse

Just like other forms of childhood trauma, sexual abuse by a sibling can have long-lasting effects. Survivors of sexual abuse may feel like they were to blame, sometimes even convincing themselves they were a co-conspirator rather than a victim. There’s also a deep sense of shame that can occur when the perpetrator was a family member.

Some survivors experience sexual dysfunction, mental health problems, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of the abuse. Due to the nature of sibling abuse, the sense of powerlessness can be more pervasive compared to sexual abuse perpetrated by others. Adult survivors sometimes experience ongoing relationship problems as a result.

Implications for the Abuser

One reason that sibling sexual abuse is underreported is that doing so has the potential to disrupt the family dynamic. Reporting the abuse may lead to the temporary removal of the child perpetrator from the home, also sometimes resulting in contact with police and entry into the criminal justice system. 

Although it can be difficult, it is important for parents and caregivers to take the appropriate steps to ensure that all of the children involved in sibling sexual abuse get the treatment and support that they need.

If Sibling Sexual Abuse is Suspected

If you suspect that sibling sexual abuse has occurred, or if your child has told you it has happened, take these steps to ensure that your children get the help they need.

• Report the abuse to family services. Depending on the age of the perpetrator, the police and court system may also become involved.
• Discuss the issue with each child. Depending on the situation, this might involve discussing the behavior, agreeing to respect boundaries, and reporting problems in the future. This should be followed with continued supervision and monitoring of behavior.
• Make sure the perpetrator does not have access to their sibling. In some situations, it will be necessary to make sure the offending child no longer has access to their sibling. Ensure that kids are not left unsupervised.

Although it can be difficult for parents to wrap their heads around one of their children potentially abusing the other, this situation is not something that should ever be ignored. Sexual abuse is a crime. Both the victim and the perpetrator need your attention.

Perpetrators need to be held accountable for their actions, and they also need treatment to ensure that they do not harm any other children. Other children in the home or family who were not involved may also need treatment.

Victims need to be believed, supported, and protected. Reporting the abuse is the first step in doing that, but they will need ongoing treatment and love to heal from the effects of being abused by someone who was supposed to love them.

Considerations and Handling the Situation

While sexual curiosity in children is normal and all kids engage in the exploration of their anatomy, there is a difference between normal exploration and sexual contact which is abusive, coercive, and exploitative.

Talking to your children about what is appropriate, helping them understand and enforce boundaries, and keeping an open line of communication so your child feels comfortable talking to you are important steps for preventing sexual abuse.

And if children tell you about concerning behaviors or report being abused by a sibling, believe them. Then take the appropriate steps to stop the abuse, report what has happened, and get counseling for everyone involved. Children can heal with appropriate treatment, support, love, and understanding.

It is normal to feel fear and confusion if you suspect sibling sexual abuse. No one wants to believe their child would commit an act of sexual violence on another child, let alone their sibling. It can also lead to feelings of guilt that this violation occurred under your care or supervision without you realizing it.

It is important to push through these uncomfortable feelings, take the necessary steps to ensure abusive sexual behavior does not happen again, and seek support for the entire family.

Sexuality and gender are often assumed to be related concepts, but they are actually separate and distinct. Understanding the difference between sexuality vs. gender is important because, while both are important parts of an individual’s sense of self, if you don’t know what each one is, you may make incorrect assumptions.

For example, some people may assume that someone who is transgender is gay. But a transgender person’s gender identity and sexual orientation aren’t connected.

Understanding Sexuality vs. Gender

To understand the difference between sexuality vs. gender, it’s helpful to know what each term means.

• Gender is socially constructed and one’s innermost concept of themselves as a man, woman, and/or nonbinary person. People define their gender identity in a variety of deeply personal ways that can include man or woman but can also extend to identities such as agender, genderfluid, gender nonconforming, and a variety of others.
• Sexuality refers to who a person is attracted to and can include a plethora of orientations. While being gay, heterosexual, and bisexual are perhaps the most well-known sexual orientations, there are many others, such as asexual and pansexual.

While the terms are often conflated, recognizing the differences between sexuality and gender is important. Sexuality and gender are essential aspects of a person’s identity and play a part in shaping a person’s experiences throughout life. 

What Is Gender and Gender Identity?

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines gender identity as “a person’s deeply felt, inherent sense of being a boy, a man, or male; a girl, a woman, or female; or an alternative gender, which may or may not correspond to a person’s sex assigned at birth.”

Gender identity is personal and an inherent part of an individual’s sense of self. While gender is often presented as a binary that only includes men and women, in reality, gender is a spectrum. People can define their gender in a variety of waysinc! This includes a combination of woman and man, a completely separate gender, or no gender at all.

Gender Identity vs. Gender Expression

Gender identity is internal and may not always be obvious to the outside world. That’s because gender expression—the way one presents themselves through their external appearance and behavior with things like clothes, hairstyles, voice, and body language—may or may not conform to their gender identity.

Gender Identity vs. Sex

The terms sex and gender are often used interchangeably, and people often assume that the sex one is assigned at birth dictates the gender one is. In reality, though, gender identity and sex refer to different things.

While gender identity refers to how one defines themselves, sex is biological and dictated by one’s anatomy, hormones, and chromosomes.

What Is Sexuality?

Sexuality is another word for sexual orientation. The APA defines sexual orientation as “a component of identity that includes a person’s sexual or emotional attraction to another person and the behavior that may result from this attraction.

Sexual Fluidity

Sexual orientation can change at any point during one’s lifetime, which is known as sexual fluidity. In particular, as people age and get to know themselves and their preferences better. This often gives them the opportunity to learn more about themselves and who they are attracted to, leading to the evolution of their sexuality. In fact, for some people, sexuality is fluid throughout their lives.

Effects of Sexuality and Gender Discrimination

Unfortunately, transgender people or those whose sexual orientation is something other than heterosexual often encounter discrimination and prejudice. In the past few decades, both gender identity and sexual orientation have become political flashpoints.

Social and Political Effects

A case revolving around whether people who were not heterosexual had the right to marry went all the way to the Supreme Court, and the judges’ ruling led to marriage equality. Many states have passed or are debating laws about issues involving transgender people, such as whether to prevent transgender men and women from using the bathroom that matches their gender identity.

The fact that issues surrounding the rights of gender-diverse and sexual minority people are up for debate contributes to a climate where discrimination is still common against anyone who isn’t straight and cisgender. Research shows gender diverse and sexual minority individuals suffer from physical and psychological abuse, bullying, and persecution in a variety of contexts, including school, the workplace, and health care.

People can become preoccupied with an individual’s gender expression or sexual orientation if it doesn’t conform to social norms, and they may make their lack of support clear by doing things like using incorrect pronouns to refer to the individual.

Mental Health Effects

This kind of prejudice and discrimination puts gender-diverse and sexual minority individuals at an increased risk of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and suicide. On the other hand, an individual’s journey to determining their sexuality or gender identity is personal. Suppressing one’s true gender or sexual identity can lead to mental health issues as well.

Discrimination continues to be a serious problem for people with diverse identities, but there are things that can help. Studies have shown that the mental distress triggered by discrimination can be mediated by:

• Social and familial support
• Contact with other sexual minorities or others who are gender diverse
• Expectations of acceptance

Play therapy is a form of psychotherapy primarily for children (but sometimes, adults) working through emotional and mental issues. It helps children express themselves and learn about the world through their natural love of play. Therapists use it primarily for children, but adults can benefit, too.

A play therapist guides a person through play therapy in a comfortable, safe environment using play activities such as painting, dancing, and playing board games. Play therapists sometimes ask other family members,, parents or guardians to get involved in the playtime activities.

Types of Play Therapy

The two main forms of play therapy used by play therapists are:

1. Directive Play Therapy: With directive play therapy, the therapist takes a hands-on approach and leads the child through guided play activities to help them express themselves. They’ll typically give specific instructions and supervise the child as they go through it. 
2. Non-directive Play Therapy: Non-directive play therapy makes use of a less controlled environment. The therapist leaves the child to engage in whatever play activities they might enjoy and express themselves with limited interference. 

Techniques 

Many different techniques can be applied during play therapy. The technique used during a therapy session largely depends on your child’s needs and what play mediums they feel most comfortable using.

A typical play therapy session usually lasts between 30 and 45 minutes. During a play therapy session, the therapist will create a comfortable and safe environment for the child to play. The therapist will then observe the child’s interactions with the toys that are provided.

As the child grows more comfortable in the therapist’s playroom, more specific play activities that target the issues the child is dealing with will be introduced. Some of the most common techniques used by play therapists across the world include: 

• Using building blocks
• Using art
• Sand play 
• Board games 
• Play with dolls 
• Puppet play
• Tea party play 
• Card games 
• Strategy games like chess or checkers 
• Hide-and-seek 
• LEGO play

What Play Therapy Can Help With

Play therapy is particularly beneficial for people who struggle with communicating and expressing themselves in a positive and healthy manner.

These could include children with behavioral disorders or learning disabilities. There has been some research into the effectiveness of play therapy on children with the following conditions:

Benefits of Play Therapy 

People are often dismissive of play therapy and the benefits they hold. Concerned parents often find it hard to understand what benefits their children gain from “just playing.” However, the fact is that with or without the guidance of a therapist, children like to communicate through play, whether you might have noticed it or not.

A child playing violently with toys might be dismissed as aggressive when in reality, he might be mirroring a violent domestic situation he has been witnessing.

Here are some of the benefits of play therapy:

• Play therapy gives children who are having a hard time communicating verbally to express themselves through play activities. For instance, a child who refuses to speak might instead draw or paint out their thoughts or needs.
• It creates a space where a child will feel comfortable being themselves instead of other more traditional forms of psychotherapy.
• It allows the child to take charge of their therapy process. Effective play therapy allows the child to use toys and mediums they are most comfortable with and go at their own pace.
• It helps children understand their emotions, especially if they had struggled with doing this before.
• It helps children build up their communication and social skills with time. After several sessions, a child who wasn’t speaking might start to utter several phrases.

Effectiveness 

Further research into the effectiveness of play therapy still needs to be carried out. Most traditional forms of therapy might not connect with children who are as young as 3 to 12 years old.

In a 2009 study on the effectiveness of play therapy with aggressive children, researchers divided a group of students with a history of aggressive behavior into two groups. One group was exposed to play therapy and the other group was used as a control group. At the end of the study, the researchers found that the children who had been exposed to play therapy showed significant improvement in aggressive behaviors over the children in the control group.

A 2005 analysis of 93 studies conducted between 1953 to 2000 on the effectiveness of play therapy with children also supports the theory that it’s an effective method of therapy for children. The review found that this form of therapy produced positive effects, even more so when the parents of the child in therapy were involved. It also found that this form of therapy appeared to be effective across age and gender.

Things to Consider 

While a play therapist will take the lead during play therapy, the child’s parent or guardian also has an important role to play.

The play therapist will typically have a joint consultation with the parent and guardian and the child and also separate consultations with all parties involves. This is done to completely understand the child’s needs. When looking for a play therapist for your child, it’s important to ensure they have the relevant experience and expertise. 

How to Get Started 

If you have a child who might benefit from play therapy or know someone who could you should get started by getting in touch with a licensed psychologist or psychotherapist who has expereience dealing with children, and with play therapy. Play therapy is typically done over several sessions, it’s also important to work with someone with who your child feels absolutely comfortable. 

“Mommy issues” is a term used to describe the issues females face later in life due to the relationship they had with their mothers as a child. When referring to males, having mommy issues can mean being too close to their mother or seeking a partner who is like their mother, often comparing the two.

Mommy issues is a colloquialism and not a recognized diagnosis. However, it does describe a real phenomenon caused by conflicted relationships with a mother figure, which can potentially lead to lasting issues in adulthood.

While these challenges can manifest differently in males and females, they’re no less real. If the mother was unkind or continuously critiqued the child’s appearance, for instance, it can compromise the child’s self-worth for years to come.

Although mommy issues isn’t an actual clinical term, the concepts behind it can often be explained with psychological theories. This is partially because the role of a mother is still widely considered to be the most important, especially in early childhood.

The idea of daddy issues is thrown around pretty frequently. However, the notion that someone may experience mommy issues can be just as prevalent as these issues can pop up for anyone who had a toxic, estranged, or even overly-doting relationship with their mother or mother figure.

What’s The History Of Mommy Issues?

Just as the concept of daddy issues is more notable in male children, mommy issues are more prevalent in female children. There are some notable psychological theories that help explain mommy issues.

Freud’s Psychosexual Theory

Sigmund Freud would argue that this is because of the Oedipus and  Electra complexes, which he described in his psychosexual stages of development:

• Oedipus complex: This is when male children feel as though they are competing with their father for their mother’s affection and attention.
• Electra complex: Similarly to the Oedipus complex, this is when female children feel as though they’re competing against their mothers for attention from their fathers.

That’s right, the entire idea is that kids view their same-sex parent as competition. Freud theorized that this concept arises between the ages of three and five, and that if it continues, it can lead to the child having issues in their romantic relationships as they grow older.

Bowlby’s Attachment Theory

Freud initially researched this in regard to male children. However, the larger concepts aren’t gendered and actually led to the formation of the attachment theory. This theory came from John Bowlby, who figured out that attachment styles formed in early childhood can dictate the nature of a person’s relationships in the future. Many times, people who have issues with their mothers develop an insecure attachment style.

The following are three types of insecure attachment styles:

• Anxious-preoccupied: If you are particularly clingy or demanding in relationships, it could be a sign of an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. It’s basically the ongoing concern that your partner won’t be around when you need them the most.
• Fearful-avoidant: If you find it hard to connect and generally become more distant and detached in romantic relationships, this can be a sign of a fearful-avoidant attachment style. This happens when someone is afraid of getting hurt, so they close themselves off to protect themselves against the possibility.
• Dismissive-avoidant: If you avoid romantic relationships altogether, this could signify a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. In this case, people typically avoid deeper relationships because they have proven too difficult to navigate.

Why Do Mommy Issues Occur?

The way mothers treat their children was found to directly correlate with the way their mothers treated them. For example, one study found that mothers who felt that they were accepted and supported by their own mothers as kids went on to have balanced relationships with their own children. They were more sensitive to their child’s needs and less intrusive.

That same study found that mothers who remembered being accepted by their moms formed secure attachments with their own children and in other relationships later in life.

Alternatively, mothers who remembered feeling overprotected and constantly entangled with their own mothers went on to form insecure or avoidant attachments with their own children. The same goes for moms who were dismissive or overly critical of their children.

In a study that surveyed college students, attachment styles were predicted by paternal care and low scores of maternal overprotection. This demonstrates the importance of letting your child have autonomy over their decisions, all while offering support and guidance, of course.

When Is the Term “Mommy Issues” Used?

Coming as a surprise to no one, “mommy issues” is typically used in a negative or even insulting way. The meaning of such negative comments depends on whether it is being used to describe a man’s or woman’s behavior:

Men with Mommy Issues

For men, it can often be associated with the term “mama’s boy,” which is basically saying that someone is too close to their mother. This can happen when moms are super servile and instill in men a sense that this is how women should behave.

It can lead to men having expectations of such behavior in romantic relationships and even seeking out female partners who check this box. It can also lead to them mentally pitting their romantic partners’ attributes against their mother’s.

Women with Mommy Issues

This term manifests completely differently for women. If a female child has mommy issues, it’s more typically referencing that a mother nitpicked or verbally put down their daughter. This can lead to self-confidence and self-image issues later in life. It can also lead to trust issues since the person that you trusted for your primary care let you down in this way.

Should You Salvage Your Relationship With Your Mother?

This will depend largely on your ability to set up boundaries, and your mother’s abilities to abide by them.

If the relationship is causing you stress, take steps back and evaluate why this is: Is your mom trying to involve herself in your life too heavily again? Is she offering constant input on your decisions?

How To Overcome Mommy Issues

In a study that looked at parents who were abused as children, parents who broke the cycle had a few things in common. These commonalities demonstrate how people have overcome mommy issues in their pasts.

Building Emotional Support Networks

People who were abused by their mothers but went on to break the cycle typically have supportive significant others and networks of supportive friend and mentor relationships. Both the relationship with their significant other and their community of friends provided extensive emotional and social support.

Awareness of the Past

Everyone who broke the cycle of intergenerational abuse had an awareness of their past experiences. They also had a certain amount of anger toward what had happened to them, which is a sign of recognition of the actions that were abusive. Pinpointing these actions prevent people from perpetuating them.

Participation in Therapy

Finally, people who went on to recover from their mommy issues underwent psychotherapy. This helped them identify the abuse in their past, mourn it, and provided them with an outlet of understanding toward how it happened and how to prevent it from happening in the future.