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Everybody needs emotional support, but it can be challenging to know how and when to provide it. To create a healthy relationship, you want your partner to know you’re there for them, while still being mindful of your own mental well-being.

There are a number of strategies to provide emotional support in a way that is healthy for both you and your partner.

How to Emotionally Support Your Partner

Listen to Your Partner

When your partner opens up to you, it’s important to really listen and pay attention. It can be easy to get distracted, especially when we lead such busy lives, but it’s important your partner is given your full attention. 

If you are not fully present while listening, you may miss important information, which may leave your partner feeling like you aren’t interested in or don’t care about their thoughts and feelings. Active listening is a supportive and caring practice when someone is opening up to you.

Ask Your Partner What They Need From You

If your partner is opening up to you and you are not sure what they need, you can ask what they’re looking for in that moment. A good question to ask for clarification is: “Would you prefer comfort or solutions right now?”

If they just want to vent, they may not be in a state to receive or appreciate advice and feel upset and unheard. Studies have shown that men in particular are more likely to want to “fix” things for their partners rather than simply listen.

Paraphrase and Repeat Back What They’ve Said

By doing this, you’re showing that you’re actively listening, and that you understand what your partner is saying. It also validates what your partner is telling you. When they’ve finished telling you something, you can summarize what they’ve said. A way to begin paraphrasing and repeating what they’ve said is, “What I’m hearing you sharing is…”

If there’s anything you’re not sure on, don’t be afraid to ask for clarification. It shows that you’re taking an interest and you want to be on the same page. 

Take Their Problems Seriously

Whatever your partner is going through or struggling with, it’s important to take it seriously and to respond with empathy, care, and compassion – even if it’s not something you’d personally see as a big deal. Because, to your partner, it is a big deal. 

Sometimes, people want to say things like “It’s not the end of the world” when a loved one is struggling, but their feelings are not any less valid because some people might have it worse. Your partner will appreciate you taking their problems seriously as something that is real and valid for them a lot more than they would you minimizing or dismissing them. 

Offer Physical Affection

Whether or not physical affection is desired or helpful depends on the person and situation. For some, physical affection may feel welcome and comforting when it comes to providing your partner with emotional support. This might be something as simple as holding their hand while they’re talking to you, or cuddling them when they are struggling. You can offer physical affection by asking questions such as “Can I hold your hand or rub your back as you are speaking?” and “Is it okay if I give you a hug?”

Different people like different levels of physical affection at different times. If you are feeling unsure, communicate with your partner so you can learn what they are open to receiving and can provide it accordingly.

Provide Meaningful Gestures

When your partner is struggling, they might find it more difficult to carry out the usual day-to-day responsibilities and tasks. While listening to your partner is important, some people appreciate concrete actions like taking care of some of the tasks they might not feel up to. 

If there’s a chore they usually do that takes time and effort, you could offer to do it for them. Or, you could pick up their favorite food so they don’t have to worry about cooking, or even just pick up some flowers or a small gift to let them know you thinking about them and that you care. 

Simply Offer Love

It can be reassuring and comforting for your partner to be reminded that you love them and are with them through a challenging time. Make it clear that you love them, you’re there for them, and you care for them. It might not fix or solve what they’re going through, but it’ll certainly help them feel more supported and less alone. 

Check In Later

Maybe your partner opened up about something on their mind and you were able to support them with some of the practices above. Challenges take time to be processed and navigated so your partner will likely need follow up care and support.

Your partner will likely appreciate you checking in with them regularly – making time and effort to follow up shows you’re thinking about them and that you care about what they’re going through even if they haven’t directly brought the subject up again.

What to Avoid When Your Partner Needs Emotional Support

“It’s important you don’t end up becoming your partner’s therapist,” says Elena Touroni, PhD, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic. “Providing emotional support is a vital part of any meaningful relationship but it needs to be a shared experience. The dynamic should never feel one-sided.”

Meanwhile, Kalliopi Cabarcas, LMHC, therapy director at Babylon, explains that it’s easy to compare and minimize when your partner opens up to you. “Not only does this go against the importance of listening to our partners, it completely invalidates and diminishes the experience of the person seeking support,” she says. “We may often feel that this is a way of relating to others, when it actually creates more distance between partners. If your partner feels coming to you for support will only be met with comparison and dismissiveness, that is a recipe for more issues with communication.”

In essence, you need to listen to your partner and take them seriously, without getting distracted or immediately trying to solve the problem – unless they ask – or comparing what they’re going through to people who may have it worse. But at the same time, it’s important that it’s not one-sided – rather, that you’re mutually supportive with each other.

If you find you are giving care and comfort to the point where you are feeling burned out, drained, and resentful, this is a sign that you are becoming burned out overextending yourself. At this point, it is important to take care of yourself and encourage or support your partner in seeking additional support from friends, community members, or a therapist.

How to Provide Emotional Support When You Also Feel Down

As much as you might want to provide emotional support when you’re also feeling low, it can be difficult. It is important you are looking after yourself too, of course.

“It’s ok to share your own emotions when someone is sharing with you,” explains Cabarcas. “Just keep in mind not to compare or one-up. This can actually help strengthen communication amongst couples if we allow ourselves to share our emotions and feel safe with the person we are sharing them with. If you are feeling down, it’s ok to say it.

Also, being supportive does not mean completely neglecting your own feelings. Not only is it important to be honest about your emotions, but it’s also important to be honest if something is too much, Cabarcas says. If you’re feeling overloaded as a partner, it is ok to be honest about the support you are capable of providing in that moment and to set a boundary to show you have a limited capacity to help.

But overall, sharing feelings with a partner is beneficial. You may decide to take turns discussing your feelings with one another, and you may realize you feel less alone if your partner is feeling a similar way, too. 

What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

You won’t always know what to say when your partner opens up to you, particularly if you can’t relate to what they’re going through. 

Don’t be afraid to admit that you can’t relate directly, but still make sure to emphasize that you’re there for your partner and you love them. This might be where non-verbal methods of supporting your partner come in. Even if you aren’t sure what to say, a kiss, a hug, or a hand-hold might say more than your words can. Or, you can express your care and concern by buying them a gift, doing the chores, or taking the dog for a walk so they don’t have to. 

When to Suggest Outside Help

You might not be best equipped to deal with everything your partner tells you. Or, you might be getting overwhelmed with everything they tell you. At this point, external help may be beneficial. But how can you go about suggesting your partner goes to therapy? 

Dr. Touroni explains: “Choose a private space—somewhere they’ll be comfortable and where you won’t be disturbed. Talk about your own experiences if you’ve had therapy before. Be validating and compassionate—mention that you’ve noticed that they haven’t been acting themselves. Make it clear that you’re only sharing this because you care about them. Give them space to talk about how they’re feeling, if they want to. Offer your support in finding the right therapist.”

Providing your partner with emotional support will only serve to make your relationship stronger in the long run, but there are right ways to go about things. As Cabarcas sums up, “Providing emotional support doesn’t mean we take on our partner’s problems nor does it mean we fix it for them. It means we sit with our loved ones, empathize with them and help them to feel that their emotions are valid. This goes a long way in establishing security and comfort in any relationship.”

Different things will resonate with different people and what works for your partner might not work for somebody else. Doing your best to learn what your partner needs and providing emotional support for them through difficult times is an act of love and care that can be supportive of healing, comfort, and closeness in your relationship.

IQ has historically been the common framework for how we measure our intelligence, and traditional “book smarts” have always been treasured in our society.

However, the idea of emotional intelligence—or “EQ”—has risen to become an important way for us to think about how we interact with and relate to others. For some, it’s even more important than the kind of intelligence measured by IQ.

The Emotional Intelligence Test

If you’re curious about your own emotional intelligence or that of someone close to you, our fast and free EQ test can help you discover how emotionally intelligent you are.

Who Is This EQ Test For?

Our interactions with other people often determine how strong our friendships and relationships are, how self-confident we feel, and ultimately how happy and satisfied we are in our daily lives.

That said, this test is for anyone, really. Maybe you are struggling with some conflicts in your life and are wondering why, or are thinking about your emotional life for the first time.

About This EQ Test

Our test covers a range of social situations in which it may be critical to perceive the emotions of others and to manage your own. Your results are a measure of your responses to these specific situations, and may not reflect your overall EQ.

Additionally, our behavior in real-life situations does not always match how we might see ourselves behaving in theory. In the context of your daily life, you may in fact be more or less emotionally intelligent than your results suggest.

About Emotional Intelligence

The term “emotional intelligence” was coined in 1990 by psychology professors Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer, and the ideas around it have developed since then. The primary components of emotional intelligence are typically said to be:

• Perceiving emotions
• Reasoning with emotions
• Understanding emotions
• Managing emotions

If you’re not sure if or how you might utilize emotional intelligence in your life, here are some of the things in your life that emotional intelligence can help with:

• Resolving conflicts
• Supporting friends and loved ones with empathy
• Listening and responding to others in helpful ways
• Calmly accepting and delivering criticism
• Knowing when and how to say “no”

By developing your emotional intelligence, you are essentially collecting tools that can help you respond to any situation, no matter how difficult.

How to Be More Emotionally Intelligent

It may seem like emotional intelligence is an inherent trait for a lot of people—and that may be true to some degree. But even those of us with low emotional intelligence have the ability to develop our skills in this area. Emotional intelligence training has shown to be effective in a workplace setting, for example.

So how do you actually go about becoming more emotionally intelligent? First, you need to be willing to put yourself into social situations, even ones that might be uncomfortable for you.

Commit to being a sounding board for a friend or coworker, and truly listen. Practice empathy by imagining yourself in their shoes and thinking about how you might be feeling in the same situation.

Finally, think about your interactions with others as often as you can. Notice how others respond to you when you act in certain ways. Try to think about how your emotions and theirs are changing, and how emotions are driving your actions. Before long, finding more emotionally intelligent ways to handle any situation in your life will come more naturally to you.

Everyone feels irritable sometimes. But if you feel this way more often than not—such as if you find yourself repeatedly questioning, “Why am I so irritable all the time?”—it could cause bigger problems in your life.

Whether you say things you don’t mean and it harms your relationships or you struggle to stay productive at work because you’re annoyed by co-workers, it’s important to address your irritability. These strategies can help.

Acknowledge Your Irritability

When someone asks why you’re so grumpy, it’s tempting to snap at them and say, “I’m not grumpy!” You might even blame everyone else for being too sensitive, too loud, or too annoying. But denying your irritability can make you feel worse, even increasing your anxiety and contributing to emotional rigidity or detachment.

When you notice that you’re feeling annoyed with everything and everyone around you, acknowledge that you’re irritable. You don’t necessarily have to announce that you’re feeling irritable. You might just acknowledge it to yourself.

Naming your feelings can take a lot of the intensity out of them. You might even rate your irritability on a scale of 1 to 10. One study found that when individuals ranked their anger on a scale, their physiological symptoms declined and they felt calmer.

So take a minute to label your emotions when you’re feeling irritable. You might notice that you start to feel just a little better right away.

Determine if There Is a Clear Source

Sometimes, the source of irritability is obvious. Screaming children who won’t listen to your directions, for example, can ignite irritability after a long day.

At other times, you might just feel like you “woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” You may feel angry or frustrated without really knowing why. A little self-reflection might help you recognize that you’re stressed out or that you haven’t spent much time caring for yourself lately.

You might also consider if you need to get something to eat. Being “hangry” is a real thing. A drop in blood sugar might cause a spike in irritability.

If you can determine the source, you might be able to solve the problem. But keep in mind that, sometimes, irritability isn’t caused by anything external. Sometimes, it’s just a normal human experience. Or it may stem from something internal, like a hormone shift or a mental health issue like depression or anxiety.

Take a Few Deep Breaths

Thoughts like “I can’t stand to be here one more minute” can feed your irritability. Your body responds accordingly by releasing a stress hormone called cortisol. Then, your heart might beat faster. Your palms might grow sweaty. Your blood pressure might rise. Before you know it, your irritability is worse.

Taking a few slow, deep breaths can calm your physiological response. When your body grows a little calmer, it helps your brain grow calmer too.

When you’re feeling stressed and irritable, try inhaling slowly through your nose to the count of three. Hold your breath for one second, then exhale slowly through pursed lips for a count of three. Do this three times and see if you feel a little better.

Take a Break

When you’re working on a frustrating project or in an environment that is increasing your stress levels, sometimes the best thing you can do is take a break. Walk away for a minute and take a time-out.

Think of your irritability as a sign that you’re running low on batteries (similar to the way your digital devices do). Taking a quick break might be all you need to charge your batteries again so you can re-enter the situation feeling refreshed.

Whether a break for you means a quick walk around the building or a few minutes of listening to music in your bedroom with the door shut, find something that can help you calm down fast.

Get a Healthy Dose of Physical Activity

Research shows that getting exercise can be good for your mental health. Physical activity has been used as an effective treatment for anxiety, mood disorder, eating disorders, and substance use disorders. So if irritability stems from a mental health issue, working out can help.

On the flip side, however, too much exercise can increase irritability. This may be especially true if you’re dieting or overtraining. So, make sure you’re getting healthy doses of physical activity but not too much. If your exercise regimen seems to be worsening your mood, talk to your physician.

Chew Gum

Chewing gum can be a quick way to relieve stress, which may be helpful in reducing your irritability. A study found that people felt less anxious and less stressed when they were chewing gum. It also improved their focus and attention.

So the next time you feel a little irritable, reach for a piece of gum. You might find that it helps you feel a little calmer and happier.

Reframe Your Negative Thoughts

When you’re dealing with an inconvenience like a traffic jam, you might start thinking thoughts that fuel your irritability. Thinking something like, “I hate wasting my life in traffic!” can cause you to feel worse.

If you notice yourself dwelling on the unfairness of a situation or thinking about how much you dislike something, reframe it. Stick to the facts, rather than your judgments and emotions surrounding those facts.

Get Professional Help

Irritability can be a sign of a mental health issue, like depression or anxiety. So if your irritability lingers for a couple of weeks or you are concerned about it, talk to your physician or reach out to a mental health professional. Treating an underlying mental health issue can help resolve your irritability so you can feel better.

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