Tips for Dating a Single Mom


Key Takeaways

  • When dating a single mom, accept that her kids are her first priority and be supportive of her role as a parent.
  • Take things slow and don’t rush into becoming a parental figure or making long-term commitments too soon.
  • Be flexible and understanding, as plans may change due to her responsibilities as a parent.

If you’re in the dating game, single moms will likely be in the mix. In fact, according to a Pew Research Center study, the US has the world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households, specifically those run by single moms.

Single parents bring unique perspectives, priorities, and life experiences to the table—and that can make them great partners. They’re often capable, smart, flexible, and know what they’re looking for in a relationship. Here’s what to do when dating a single mom—and how to take your relationship to the next level without getting overly involved too soon.

Recognize That It’s Different

When dating a single mom, it’s important that you adjust your expectations. In other relationships, you may have been able to gauge a person’s feelings for you by how much time and energy they put into your relationship.

When you’re dating a single parent, this isn’t necessarily the case. They may not have the time to see you as often as you’d both like. Single parents’ time is limited, and much of their energy goes toward taking care of their kids. You’ll need to look for other expressions of their feelings for you.

Another difference is that many single moms are much more clear about what they want in life. That can eliminate a lot of mystery and become an attractive quality in a relationship.

Accept That Her Children Are Her First Priority

For single parents, their kids likely come first. It’s important to understand and accept this fact. A parent’s devotion to their children is admirable, and embracing it can help enrich the relationship and prevent you from becoming jealous.

Depending on the child’s age, they may be involved in a mother’s decision on whether or not to date. Children and single mothers often see their relationship with each other as highly intense and exclusive, and kids may experience some insecurity at the thought of their parent dating.

It’s important to respect that close relationship and allow your partner to navigate things in a way that makes them and their children feel comfortable.

Take It Slow When Dating a Single Mom

Don’t try to be too much too soon to either your potential partner or their children. If you’re not sure about how involved you want to be with the kids, be open and honest about that. At the same time, it’s important that you don’t begin to take on a role that you can’t maintain for the long haul. Follow the parent’s lead when it comes to your relationship with the kids.

It’s important to give your relationship time to develop. Don’t rush into becoming a parental figure, moving in together, or getting engaged. Instead, take it slow and focus on developing trust before you take your relationship to the next level.

Be Honest and Upfront

Are you looking to hook up or interested in a long-term partner? Is marriage a possibility? Do you see yourself co-raising kids? Most single parents want to know what type of commitment you’re looking for from them, and how much you’re willing to commit in return. Whatever the case, it’s best to be honest and communicative as you start dating.

Embracing honest communication right from the start can have another benefit for your relationship: It encourages vulnerability, which can bring the two of you closer together.

Offer Emotional Support

Single moms are under a tremendous amount of pressure to provide for their children financially and emotionally. Be the kind of partner who can listen without trying to solve every problem. They will work it out in time. Offering support and encouragement will help you build a stronger bond.

Practicing active listening can go a long way toward being an emotionally supportive partner. Active listening involves being fully present in a conversation. Active listeners are neutral and patient, and may ask questions for more clarification or summarize what was said to show that they understand. This can make your partner want to share more and speak longer, and it may strengthen your relationship as a result.

Be Trustworthy

As a single mother, your girlfriend may have experienced situations previously where they depended on someone who was not trustworthy. Set yourself apart by being someone who is trustworthy. Be responsible to them without being responsible for them.

Trust is an important foundation for any relationship. You can build it by being a reliable partner and keeping your word, which will reinforce your partner’s feelings of trust toward you.

When Dating a Single Mom, Stay Flexible

Single moms have a lot of responsibilities. Between working and caring for their children, they have limited availability, which can sometimes make it hard to schedule (and keep) dates. If a sitter cancels at the last minute or a child gets sick, they may run late or need to cancel. Being a single parent also makes it hard to go on a spontaneous date, since childcare is always a top priority.

If you decide to date a single mom, you will need to be willing to be flexible and temper your disappointment when plans change.

Don’t Discipline the Children

If your new girlfriend has introduced you to their kids, it likely means that they’re serious about your relationship. Still, unless they specifically ask for your support, disciplining the kids will likely remain off-limits to you.

When you’re dating a single mom, let them handle 100% of the discipline. If you have concerns about the kids’ behavior, talk with your girlfriend about it privately. Never attempt to handle the issue yourself without discussing it with them first.

If you have significant concerns about your mate’s approach to discipline, autonomy, or family dynamics, the relationship might not be the best fit for you, especially if you hope to one day have children of your own.

Don’t Pass Judgment

It’s easy to come in from the outside and judge another person’s parenting choices, and single mothers often face scrutiny for having children outside of a traditional married couple.

This behavior will not be welcomed or healthy for your relationship. Instead of passing judgment, do your best to acknowledge that being a single parent is very difficult, and try to view their choices and lifestyle from a place of helpfulness, compassion, restraint, and curiosity.

Keep in Mind

You’re the only one who can know whether dating a single mom is right for you. Don’t get caught up in listening to family members or friends who will try to discourage you or suggest that they’re just looking for a stepparent figure. This is rarely the case.

Single parents are so much more than just parents. They are adults with personal needs of their own. Pay attention to the person and the relationship you’re building together.

Frequently Asked Questions


  • How do single mothers have sex while dating?

    Single parents may arrange a sitter beforehand or wait until their child is away at a co-parent’s. Or, like any married couple, they may simply put the kids to bed and lock the door. If you’re worried about maintaining a healthy sex life with a single parent, communicate your concerns and be willing to stay flexible, as you may have to work around their schedule.


  • What will other people think about me dating a single mom?

    You may face criticism from others about dating a single mother. Some of these critiques may be based on stereotypes, while other feedback could offer helpful insights into your relationship. Rather than only focusing on negative feedback from others, consider your own reasons for dating your partner, and look at whether or not your current relationship fits your lifestyle.


  • What should you expect when dating a single mom?

    A single parent will likely prioritize their children over being available for dates. Staying flexible and understanding your partner’s needs can go a long way in this type of relationship. 


  • Is it hard dating a single mother?

    You may face certain challenges when dating a single mother, such as if she has limited childcare options when you want time alone. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean that dating a single mother is hard as every relationship has challenges in some shape or form.



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Understanding Cultural Relativism and Its Importance

Key Takeaways

  • Cultural relativism means understanding that every culture has its own beliefs, and no culture is better than another.
  • By embracing cultural relativism, people can learn to respect and understand different cultural practices.

Cultural relativism suggests that ethics, morals, values, norms, beliefs, and behaviors must be understood within the context of the culture from which they arise. It means that all cultures have their own beliefs and that there is no universal or absolute standard to judge those cultural norms. 

“Cultural relativism leads us to accept that cultures are foundationally different, with differing social and ethical norms. This includes understanding that a person’s place of birth, including where or how a patient was raised during their formative years, is the basis of a person’s approach to the world and emotional self,” says Anu Raj, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at New York Institute of Technology.

Advocates of cultural relativism suggest that one culture’s values, beliefs, and norms should not be judged through the lens of another culture.

It is the opposite of ethnocentrism, which involves judging or understanding cultural beliefs from the perspective of your own. Instead, cultural relativism suggests that observers and researchers should focus on describing those practices without attempting to impose their own biases and judgments upon them.

History of Cultural Relativism

The concept of cultural relativism was introduced by anthropologist Franz Boas in 1887. While he did not coin the term, it later became widely used by his students to describe his anthropological perspective and theories.

Beliefs of Cultural Relativism

Cultural relativism suggests that:

  • Different societies have their own moral codes and practices.
  • Norms, beliefs, and values must be judged and understood from the context of the culture where they originate.
  • No culture is objectively better than others; cultures and their customs and beliefs are not objectively superior or inferior to any other culture.
  • Practices and behaviors considered acceptable or unacceptable vary from one culture to the next.
  • Cultural relativism aims to help promote acceptance, tolerance, and an appreciation for diverse cultural beliefs and practices.
  • No universal ethical or moral truths apply to all people in all situations.
  • What is considered right and wrong is determined by society’s moral codes.
  • Researchers and observers should strive to observe behavior rather than pass judgments on it based on their own cultural perspective.

Different Types of Cultural Relativism

There are two distinct types of cultural relativism: absolute cultural relativism and critical cultural relativism.

Absolute Cultural Relativism

According to this perspective, outsiders should not question or judge cultural events. Essentially, this point of view proposes that outsiders should not criticize or question the cultural practices of other societies, no matter what they might involve.

Critical Cultural Relativism

Critical cultural relativism suggests that practices should be evaluated in terms of how and why they are adopted. This perspective suggests that cultural practices can be evaluated and understood by looking at factors such as the historical context and social influences.

It also recognizes that all societies experience inequalities and power dynamics that influence how and why certain beliefs are adopted and who adopts them.

Strengths of Cultural Relativism

Cultural relativism has a number of benefits that can help people gain greater insight into different cultures. This perspective can help:

  • Promote cultural understanding: Because cultural relativism encourages seeing cultures with an open mind, it can foster greater empathy, understanding, and respect for cultures different from ours. 
  • Protect cultural respect and autonomy: Cultural relativism recognizes that no culture is superior to any other. Rather than attempting to change other cultures, this perspective encourages people to respect the autonomy and self-determinism of other cultures, which can play an important role in preserving the heritage and traditions of other cultures.
  • Foster learning: By embracing cultural relativism, people from different backgrounds are able to communicate effectively and create an open dialogue to foster greater learning for other cultures of the world.

Cultural relativism can also be important in helping mental health professionals deliver culturally competent care to clients of different backgrounds.

“What’s considered “typical and normal versus pathological” depends on cultural norms. It varies between providers and patients; it impacts diagnosis, treatment, and prognosis,” Raj explains.

When mental health professionals account for the differences in values, and attitudes towards and of marginalized people (including communities of color and LGBTQ+ communities), providers develop respect for individual patients. Consequently, patients are less likely to be misdiagnosed and more likely to continue treatment.

—
ANU RAJ, PSYD, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST AT NEW YORK INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

Limitations of Cultural Relativism

While cultural relativism has strengths, that does not mean it is without limitations.

Failure to Address Human Rights

This perspective has been criticized for failing to address universal rights. Some suggest that this approach may appear to condone cultural practices that constitute human rights violations. It can be challenging to practice non-judgment of other cultures while still protecting people’s right to live free from discrimination and oppression.

Cultural relativism may sometimes hamper progress by inhibiting the examination of practices, norms, and traditions that limit a society’s growth and progress.

Reducing Cultures to Stereotypes

Cultural relativism sometimes falls victim to the tendency to stereotype and simplify cultures. Rather than fully appreciating the full complexity and diversity that may exist within a culture, people may reduce it to a homogenous stereotype. This often prevents outsiders from seeing the many variations that may exist within a society and fully appreciating the way cultures evolve over time.

Individual Rights vs. Cultural Values

This perspective may sometimes lead observers to place a higher priority on a culture’s collective values while dismissing individual variations. This might involve, for example, avoiding criticism of cultures that punish political dissidents who voice opposition to cultural norms, and practices.

Examples of Cultural Relativism

In reality, people make cultural judgments all the time. If you’ve ever eaten food from another culture and described it as ‘gross’ or learned about a specific cultural practice and called it ‘weird,’ you’ve made a judgment about that culture based on the norms of your own. Because you don’t eat those foods or engage in those practices in your culture, you are making culture-biased value judgments.

Cultural differences can affect a wide range of behaviors, including healthcare decisions. For example, research has found that while people from Western cultures prefer to be fully informed in order to make autonomous healthcare conditions, individuals from other cultures prefer varying degrees of truth-telling from medical providers.

An example of using cultural relativism in these cases would be describing the food practices of a different culture and learning more about why certain foods and dishes are important in those societies. Another example would be learning more about different cultural practices and exploring how they originated and the purpose they serve rather than evaluating them from your own cultural background. 

In medical settings, healthcare practitioners must balance the interests and autonomy of their patients with respect and tolerance for multicultural values.

Cultural Relativism in Mental Health

Cultural relativism can also play an important role in the practice and application of mental health. “An individual’s perception of mental health, including stigma, is often influenced by their cultural identity and social values,” explains Raj.

People who experience cultural discrimination are also more likely to experience higher stress levels, which can seriously affect mental health. Research has shown that perceived discrimination increases psychological distress and predicts symptoms of anxiety and depression. It also contributes to worse physical health, including a higher risk for heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and stroke.

Therapists must strive to understand people from different backgrounds to provide culturally competent care. “Through the lens of cultural competency, providers can educate themselves and elevate the plethora of coping mechanisms that a patient already might possess,” says Raj. 

Cultural Relativism vs. Ethnocentrism

Cultural relativism and ethnocentrism are two contrasting perspectives that can be used to evaluate and understand other cultures.

Where cultural relativism suggests that all cultures are equally valid, ethnocentrism involves seeing your own culture as superior or more correct than others.

Cultural relativism emphasizes the importance of diversity and recognizes that values, beliefs, and behaviors can vary across societies. This can be contrasted with ethnocentrism, which promotes the idea that your own culture is the norm or benchmark against which others should be evaluated. This can limit understanding and decrease tolerance for people of different backgrounds. 

How Do You Promote Cultural Relativism?

There are a number of strategies that can help promote cultural relativism. This can be particularly important for mental health professionals and other healthcare practitioners. 

“Therapists must be able to view the world through the eyes of their patients. Most importantly, culturally competent therapists understand their patient’s behavior through the cultural framework in which they live,” Raj says.

Promoting cultural relativism involves adopting an open-minded and respectful approach toward other cultures. Some things you can do to foster greater cultural relativism:

  • Embrace cultural diversity: Strive to appreciate other cultures, including their unique values, traditions, and perspectives. Remember that diversity enriches our lives, experiences, and world knowledge.
  • Learn more about other cultures: Take the time to explore cultures other than your own, including histories, traditions, and beliefs. Resources that can help include books, documentaries, and online resources.
  • Practice empathy: Seek to understand others by imagining things from their perspective. Try to understand their experiences, challenges, and aspirations. Cultivate empathy and respect for the differences between people and cultures.
  • Seek diversity: Make an active effort to spend more time with people from different walks of life. Talk to people from diverse backgrounds and approach these discussions with an open mind and a desire to learn. Be willing to share your own perspectives and experiences without trying to change others or impose your beliefs on them.
  • Challenge biases: Try to become more aware of how your unconscious biases might shape your perceptions and interactions with others. Practicing cultural relativism is an ongoing process. It takes time, open-mindedness, and a willingness to reflect on your biases.

Promoting Cultural Relativism Among Mental Health Professionals

How can therapists apply cultural relativism to ensure they understand other cultural perspectives and avoid unintentional biases in therapy?   

A 2019 study found that the ideal training for therapists included graduate coursework in diversity, supervised clinical experiences working with diverse populations, experiential activities, didactic training, and cultural immersion when possible.

Avoiding Bias in Therapy

Raj suggests that there are important questions that professionals should ask themselves, including:

  • How do I identify?
  • How does my patient identify? 
  • What prejudices or biases am I holding? 
  •  Are there biases or stereotypes I hold based on my own upbringing and culture? 

She also suggests that therapists should always be willing to ask about client involvement in treatment planning. She recommends asking questions such as: 

  • What approaches have been successful or failed in the past? 
  • How does the patient perceive their ailment? 
  • What were the results of the patient’s previous coping mechanisms? 
  • How does the patient’s culture drive their behavior, coping skills, and outcomes?

By making clients an active part of their treatment and taking steps to understand their background better, therapists can utilize cultural relativism to deliver more sensitive, informed care.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. The New Republic. Pioneers of cultural relativism)

  2. Kanarek J. Critiquing cultural relativism. The Intellectual Standard. 2013;2(2):1.

  3. Rosenberg AR, Starks H, Unguru Y, Feudtner C, Diekema D. Truth telling in the setting of cultural differences and incurable pediatric illness: A review. JAMA Pediatr. 2017;171(11):1113-1119. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2017.2568

  4. Williams DR, Lawrence JA, Davis BA, Vu C. Understanding how discrimination can affect health. Health Serv Res. 2019;54 Suppl 2(Suppl 2):1374-1388. doi:10.1111/1475-6773.13222

  5. Benuto LT, Singer J, Newlands RT, Casas JB. Training culturally competent psychologists: Where are we and where do we need to go? Training and Education in Professional Psychology. 2019;13(1):56-63. doi:10.1037/tep0000214

Kendra Cherry

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”


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How to Stop Dissociating Because of Anxiety


Key Takeaways

  • You can stop dissociation by using grounding techniques like making eye contact or naming objects around you.
  • Dissociation often happens when you’re anxious, and it’s your brain’s way of trying to protect you.
  • Dissociation can make it hard to focus on the present and may slow down recovery from trauma or anxiety.

If you’ve ever felt disconnected from the world when you’re anxious, you’ve probably wondered how to stop dissociating because of anxiety. Dissociation anxiety is not a specific diagnosis or set of symptoms. Rather, dissociation is a symptom, and it may be related to anxiety.

When a person experiences dissociation, they become disconnected from their surroundings or from themselves. This reaction works to temporarily alleviate potentially overwhelming emotional experiences such as traumatic memories and may temporarily reduce feelings of shame, anxiety, or fear—but it doesn’t function as a healthy long-term fix.

Dissociation related to anxiety may occur during a stressful, anxiety-inducing event or during or after a period of intense worry. Because dissociation is based on avoidance coping, it “works” in the short term but has long-term negative consequences.

What Is Dissociation?

Dissociation refers to being disconnected from the present moment. It is a subconscious way of coping with and avoiding a traumatic situation or negative thoughts.

While about half of people may have experienced an event of dissociation in their lifetime, only about 2% are actually diagnosed with what is known as a dissociative disorder.

Dissociation usually happens in response to a traumatic life event such as that which is faced while being in the military or experiencing abuse. In this way, dissociation is usually associated with trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). However, dissociation can also happen in the context of anxiety symptoms and anxiety disorders.

Often, dissociation that happens due to extreme stress or panic is recognized but attributed to other causes such as health issues. A person with panic disorder may seek medical attention for these symptoms and feel powerless to stop them.

Overall, dissociation interferes with the treatment of all types of disorders and makes it hard to pay attention to the present moment. It can also slow or prevent healthy trauma processing and coping. Because of this, it’s important to address dissociation through treatment and learn ways to cope.

Symptoms of Anxiety and Dissociation

The process of dissociation usually occurs outside your own awareness, though you may also realize it is happening, particularly if it is in the context of anxiety. The experience involves a disconnection between your memory, consciousness, identity, and thoughts.

In other words, while normally your brain processes events (such as your memories, identity, perceptions, motor function, etc.) together, during dissociation, these parts splinter, leaving you with a feeling of disconnection. Dissociation is a general term that refers to a detachment from many things.

Depersonalization

With depersonalization, your mind feels disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, actions, or body. Examples of this include feeling like you are watching a movie about yourself or that you don’t have an identity.

Some of the symptoms experienced as a result of depersonalization include:

  • Alterations in your perceptions
  • Distorted sense of time
  • Emotional or physical numbing
  • Feelings of yourself being unreal or absent

Derealization

Derealization causes a sensation where the world does not feel real. Examples of this include seeing the world all in shades of grey or having tunnel vision when looking at the world.

The symptoms involved with derealization include:

  • Feeling like the world around you is not real
  • Feeing the world as flat, dull, or grey
  • Having tunnel vision when you look at the world

Diagnosis of Dissociation

There are three types of dissociative disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). However, these are separate from dissociation related to anxiety:

  • Depersonalization disorder: Characterized by ongoing feelings that you are detached from the world around you
  • Dissociative amnesia: Characterized by trouble remembering events or having amnesia for events due to dissociation
  • Dissociative identity disorder: Characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personalities and gaps in memory (formerly known as multiple personality disorder)

Again, there is no diagnosis of “dissociation anxiety,” although dissociation can be a symptom associated with anxiety disorders. The major anxiety disorders that may be related to dissociation as a symptom include:

Causes of Dissociation

While the exact cause of dissociation is unclear, experts note that dissociation correlates with mood and anxiety disorders and is also a way of dealing with trauma. As a result, dissociation often affects people who have experienced the following types of trauma:

  • Accidents
  • Assault
  • Natural disasters
  • Military combat
  • Sexual or physical abuse

When dissociation is related to anxiety or panic, it tends to occur for a shorter period of time than when it is due to trauma or abuse or as a symptom of a diagnosable dissociative disorder.

In the case of anxiety, it is constant, low-level stress that puts a strain on your nervous system and eventually may cause you to dissociate to protect yourself; but remember, this all happens mostly at a level that you are likely not aware of.

Treatment of Anxiety and Dissociation

Anxiety is a treatable condition. The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force recommends that all adults below the age of 65 get screened for symptoms of an anxiety disorder during their regular doctor’s visits.

Although there is no specific treatment for dissociation, medications, and psychotherapy have been shown to help.

Medications

While there are no medications to specifically treat dissociation, your doctor may prescribe antipsychotics, antidepressants, or anti-anxiety medications to alleviate some of the symptoms of a dissociative condition.

Psychotherapy

Treatment for dissociation related to anxiety usually will involve psychotherapy (such as cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavior therapy). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is another therapy that is sometimes used.

Since dissociation can interfere with the effectiveness of treatment, your therapist may ask you to do the following things to snap out of a period of dissociation:

  • Make eye contact
  • Eat a piece of candy to snap into the moment
  • Get up and walk around for a bit
  • Name five animals with letters that match the first five letters of the alphabet
  • Name five things you see, hear, and feel
  • Smell a particular scent for grounding, such as lavender
  • Explain what happened if you look spaced out or recall what you were talking about when you spaced out
  • Remember how using spacing out is an avoidance strategy

How to Stop Dissociating

The key to managing dissociation related to anxiety is to practice grounding techniques to bring yourself back into the present moment. You can do this by always having a “grounding plan” that you put in place when you find yourself spacing out or otherwise feeling as though you are dissociating.

While you may not be able to control dissociation, you can reduce the likelihood of it happening and also try to learn to ignore it when it does happen rather than letting your anxiety make it spiral out of control.

In other words, the dissociation will stop when your brain no longer feels the need to protect you. Some preventative steps that you can take to manage dissociation related to anxiety include the following:

  • Get enough sleep each night
  • Get regular exercise every day
  • Practice grounding techniques as noted in the treatment section above
  • Prevent anxiety from becoming overwhelming
  • Reduce daily stress and triggers

Are you concerned about dissociation anxiety? It could be that you actually have anxiety about your dissociation, rather than dissociation that is simply caused by anxiety.

If you are finding yourself very worried about dissociation symptoms, such as feeling detached from the world or things not feeling real, it’s important to speak to your doctor or a mental health professional about how you are feeling and what can be done to help you feel better. Only a professional can determine whether your symptoms are related to trauma or anxiety, or some combination of the two, which will influence your treatment plan.

Finally, if you don’t notice dissociation yourself, but others seem concerned about your behavior, it may still be worth seeking help. Dissociation is not always consciously recognized, so you may still be experiencing it.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Is dissociation a symptom of anxiety?

    Dissociation can be a symptom of anxiety, particularly when a person is experiencing a great deal of stress or when the situation is inescapable. Dissociation can also be a symptom of other mental health conditions including post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder.

  • What is anxiety dissociation like?

    When you experience dissociation caused by anxiety, you may feel detached and disconnected from yourself. Your perceptions may change and time may seem to go faster or slower. You may feel emotionally numb, and the experience may seem unreal, flat, or dull.

  • How do I know if I am dissociating?

    Signs that you might be dissociating include:

    • Feeling “zoned out”
    • Feeling like you are “losing time”
    • Feeling as if you are watching situations from outside of your body
    • Feeling as if the world is no longer real
    • Feeling emotionally numb and unable to respond how normally would

  • How do you fix dissociation anxiety?

    If you are experiencing dissociation, it is important to talk to a mental health professional. They can recommend treatments, including medications and therapy, that can help. In terms of managing dissociation on your own, finding ways to groud yourself in reality is important. When you start to dissociate, work on grounding and centering yourself in the moment. Making eye contact with another person, naming things you can detect with your senses, focusing on aspects of your environment, or consciously forcing yourself to avoid zoning out are a few strategies you can try.



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Dealing With a Partner Who Doesn’t Want Change


Key Takeaways

  • Talk with your partner about what you like about them, then about what’s going wrong.
  • Decide which behaviors you can accept and which ones are deal-breakers.
  • If your relationship seems unhealthy despite trying hard, consider ending it for your own well-being.

Does your partner complain about not feeling well but won’t see a doctor? Does your partner make plans for a romantic evening or getaway with you and then ruin it by being suddenly disinterested or too tired? Does your partner make promises that aren’t kept? Does your partner acknowledge that there are problems in your relationship but refuses to change behaviors or see a counselor with you?

If your answer is “yes” to all or most of these questions, it sounds like you have a spouse or partner who either refuses or is not motivated to change. This can create problems that create conflict, hurt your relationship satisfaction, and potentially destroy your relationship.

It is important to find ways to address the issues with your partner and explore options that can help you cope and plan your next steps.

“Change can be a scary word for many people,” explains Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, a psychotherapist at Kaiser Permanente in Rockville, Maryland. “It’s is a difficult topic and should be managed with great sensitivity.”

Here’s how to recognize the signs that something needs to change, how to approach having this conversation with your partner, and what to do if your partner does not want to adjust their behavior.

Issues That Damage a Relationship

The frustration of your partner’s lack of follow-through on good intentions, saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship. This frustration can be heightened if your partner refuses to seek couples counseling with you.

What can you do when faced with a partner who has a serious problem or troubling behavior? Here are some examples of a partner’s behavior that could destroy or cause major friction in a relationship:

  • Doesn’t make time for the children or you
  • Emotionally or physically abusive
  • Frequently unfaithful
  • Gambling
  • Getting drunk often or drinking too much
  • Having a very negative attitude
  • Not able to hold down a job
  • Spending too much money

If your partner won’t change, isn’t willing to work on improving your relationship, or won’t seek help, you may be on the path to a breakup or divorce. There are no easy answers when your partner can see no reason for a change.

Some situations can be dealt with and other situations are deal-breakers. Only you know what you can tolerate and still be emotionally healthy yourself. That said, never endanger yourself or your children by remaining in an abusive situation.

How to Respond

If your relationship is suffering, it is essential to start taking steps if you want to prevent an unhappy relationship from taking a toll on your mental well-being. Some ways you can respond that can help include

Remember You Can’t Change Your Partner

It’s important to accept that you can’t change your partner. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your partner to change. However, it is not your responsibility to change your partner. You can find ways to support them, but it is up to them to make the change.

Try responding differently to difficult situations. If you’ve had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If you haven’t expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your partner.

Sometimes, adjusting your own response to your partner’s behavior can shift the conversation in ways that are helpful.

Know Yourself

Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your relationship if things don’t improve.

Consider individual counseling to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your relationship, and to clarify your plans for your future.

Decide which of your partner’s negative behaviors you can live with and which ones are deal-breakers. Determine if you can adjust to the irritating and hurtful situations in your relationship.

“Try rating the issue to determine how much that particular issue impacts you on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 equals the greatest severity,” Simmons recommends. “This will help you prioritize the issues and gain clarity on whether these are deal-breakers or if you are willing to compromise.”

Face The Issues

Your partner may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are. When sharing your love for your partner, express your concerns and fears about the future of your relationship. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.

Talking about your concerns is not always easy, especially if it is a sensitive topic or if the problem has been simmering for a long time. The only way to change the situation is to tell your partner how you feel and then have a serious discussion about what you can do, both as individuals and as partners, to address the problem.

Don’t postpone having a conversation with your partner. Instead, try to identify the behaviors that are creating problems in your relationship and initiate a conversation about what you can both do to improve the situation.

Strategies for Difficult Conversations

So how should a person approach the conversation where they ask their spouse or partner to change? “During any discussion around change with your partner, it is important to discuss the positive aspects as well as the things that are not working well that have led to the discussion about change,” Simmons suggests. 

Consider starting the conversation with the things that you appreciate about your partner. Then you can move on to talking about the things that cause conflict in your relationships and provide examples of things that are challenging for you.

Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser Permanente

Be careful to limit the discussion to only one or two items requiring consideration of change and avoid having a laundry list of grievances. Be mindful that the outcome may not be exactly what you are seeking and might require several conversations and compromise. 

— Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser Permanente

Dr. John Gottman, a clinical psychologist and founder of the Gottman Institute, says your communication patterns can predict the success of your relationship. When uncomfortable topics come up, try these tips for constructive communication:

  • Agree to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going.
  • Be warm and not confrontational.
  • Brainstorm and discuss solutions to the problem. Bring up the possibility of couples counseling.
  • Choose a time when neither of you is tired.
  • Clarify how the problem is affecting your relationship.
  • Don’t lecture.
  • Identify the problem.
  • Pick a location for the conversation that is free of distractions.
  • Stay on the topic.
  • Talk about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don’t want. Explain what makes you both happy and fulfilled.
  • Try saying something like this: “We disagree a lot and it’s causing a disconnection between us. That’s why I would like for us to go to seek couples therapy.” or “I love you and I care about us. I need some help in learning how to communicate with you better. I would like to try counseling with you.”

If They Agree to Try

After you have a conversation, the next step involves trying things to improve the situation. This might involve allowing your partner to make changes on their own.

Simmons notes that it is important to give your partner time to make a change, particularly if it is something significant. She also suggests that change is more likely if your partner feels internally motivated instead of being pressured by external mandates.

Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser Permanente

You might find it helpful to offer your partner ways to support behaviors that would help them achieve a long-term change. For example, if you want your partner to reduce their anxiety and make time for themselves more often, offer to watch the kids while your partner does something he or she enjoys.

— Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser Permanente

“Couples may also consider couples counseling to help them work through the issue, either lessening the intensity, establishing boundaries, or eliminating the challenge,” Simmons suggests.

Should You End the Relationship?

At what point should a person consider ending a relationship if their partner refuses to change? Simmons notes that ending a relationship is a difficult and personal choice. There’s no simple answer, but there are steps people can take to help make the choice that is right for them.

Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser Permanente

Ending a relationship may be necessary if the issue is a major deal-breaker for you that goes against your values or needs in the relationship, or if your partner’s behavior puts you or your family in danger.

— Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, Kaiser Permanente

Re-Evaluate

If things are not going well when the two of you are ready to re-evaluate your relationship issues, think about these questions:

  • Is this a temporary crisis or the end of your relationship?
  • What is the best thing that could happen if you stay together?
  • What is the best thing that could happen if you divorce?
  • What is the worst thing that could happen if you stay together?
  • What is the worst thing that could happen if you divorce?

Perhaps the greatest decider is how willing your partner is to engage in the process of saving your relationship. If they won’t change or make any effort to improve the relationship, and you’ve already explored other options, such as couples counseling, then Simmons suggests it’s time to consider ending the relationship for your own sake.

“If you have a gut feeling that the relationship is no longer healthy or fulfilling, despite your best efforts to make it work, it may be time to consider ending the relationship and seeking out a healthier and more fulfilling one,” she recommends.


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The Definition and Use of a Cross-Sectional Study

Key Takeaways

  • A cross-sectional study collects data from a single point in time without changing any variables.
  • This type of study is useful in identifying correlations but cannot prove cause and effect.
  • Cross-sectional studies are quicker and cheaper than longitudinal studies, but provide only a snapshot of a given time.

A cross-sectional study looks at data at a single point in time. The participants in this type of study are selected based on particular variables. Cross-sectional studies are typically used in developmental psychology, but they are useful in many other areas as well, including social science and education.

Cross-sectional studies are observational and are known as descriptive research, not causal or relational—meaning you can’t use them to determine the cause of something, such as a disease. Researchers record the information that is present in a population, but they do not manipulate variables.

This type of research can be used to describe characteristics that exist in a community, but not to determine cause-and-effect relationships between different variables. This method is often used to make inferences about possible relationships or to gather preliminary data to support further research and experimentation.

Example: Researchers studying developmental psychology might select groups of people who are different ages but investigate them at one point in time. By doing this, any differences among the age groups can be attributed to age differences rather than something that happened over time.

Defining Characteristics of Cross-Sectional Studies

Some of the key characteristics of a cross-sectional study include:

  • The study takes place at a single point in time
  • It does not involve manipulating variables
  • It allows researchers to look at numerous characteristics at once (age, income, gender, etc.)
  • It’s often used to look at the prevailing characteristics in a given population
  • It can provide information about what is happening in a current population

Verywell / Jessica Olah


Think of a cross-sectional study as a snapshot of a particular group of people at a given point in time. Unlike longitudinal studies, which look at a group of people over an extended period, cross-sectional studies are used to describe what is happening at the present moment.This type of research is frequently used to determine the prevailing characteristics in a population at a certain point in time. For example, a cross-sectional study might be used to determine if exposure to specific risk factors might correlate with particular outcomes.

A researcher might collect cross-sectional data on past smoking habits and current diagnoses of lung cancer, for example. While this type of study cannot demonstrate cause and effect, it can provide a quick look at correlations that may exist at a particular point.

For example, researchers may find that people who reported engaging in certain health behaviors were also more likely to be diagnosed with specific ailments. While a cross-sectional study cannot prove for certain that these behaviors caused the condition, such studies can point to a relationship worth investigating further.

Advantages of Cross-Sectional Studies

Cross-sectional studies are popular because they offer many benefits for researchers.

Inexpensive and Fast

Cross-sectional studies typically allow researchers to collect a great deal of information quickly. Data is often obtained inexpensively using self-report surveys. Researchers are then able to amass large amounts of information from a large pool of participants.

For example, a university might post a short online survey about library usage habits among biology majors, and the responses would be recorded in a database automatically for later analysis. This is a simple, inexpensive way to encourage participation and gather data across a wide swath of individuals who fit certain criteria.

Can Assess Multiple Variables

Researchers can collect data on a few different variables to see how they affect a certain condition. For example, differences in sex, age, educational status, and income might correlate with voting tendencies or give market researchers clues about purchasing habits.

Might Prompt Further Study 

Although researchers can’t use cross-sectional studies to determine causal relationships, these studies can provide useful springboards to further research. For example, when looking at a public health issue, such as whether a particular behavior might be linked to a particular illness, researchers might utilize a cross-sectional study to look for clues that can spur further experimental studies.

For example, researchers might be interested in learning how exercise influences cognitive health as people age. They might collect data from different age groups on how much exercise they get and how well they perform on cognitive tests. Conducting such a study can give researchers clues about the types of exercise that might be most beneficial to the elderly and inspire further experimental research on the subject.

Challenges of Cross-Sectional Studies

No method of research is perfect. Cross-sectional studies also have potential drawbacks.

Difficulties in Determining Causal Effects

Researchers can’t always be sure that the conditions a cross-sectional study measures are the result of a particular factor’s influence. In many cases, the differences among individuals could be attributed to variation among the study subjects. In this way, cause-and-effect relationships are more difficult to determine in a cross-sectional study than they are in a longitudinal study. This type of research simply doesn’t allow for conclusions about causation.

For example, a study conducted some 20 years ago queried thousands of women about their consumption of diet soft drinks. The results of the study, published in the medical journal Stroke, associated diet soft drink intake with stroke risk that was greater than that of those who did not consume such beverages. In other words, those who drank lots of diet soda were more prone to strokes. However, correlation does not equal causation. The increased stroke risk might arise from any number of factors that tend to occur among those who drink diet beverages. For example, people who consume sugar-free drinks might be more likely to be overweight or diabetic than those who drink the regular versions. Therefore, they might be at greater risk of stroke—regardless of what they drink.

Cohort Differences

Groups can be affected by cohort differences that arise from the particular experiences of a group of people. For example, individuals born during the same period might witness the same important historical events, but their geographic regions, religious affiliations, political beliefs, and other factors might affect how they perceive such events.

Report Biases

Surveys and questionnaires about certain aspects of people’s lives might not always result in accurate reporting. For example, respondents might not disclose certain behaviors or beliefs out of embarrassment, fear, or other limiting perception. Typically, no mechanism for verifying this information exists.

Cross-Sectional vs. Longitudinal Studies

Cross-sectional research differs from longitudinal studies in several important ways. The key difference is that a cross-sectional study is designed to look at a variable at a particular point in time. A longitudinal study evaluates multiple measures over an extended period to detect trends and changes.

Cross-Sectional Study

  • Evaluates variable at single point in time

  • Participants less likely to drop out

  • Uses new participant(s) with each study

Longitudinal Study

  • Measures variable over time

  • Requires more resources

  • More expensive

  • Subject to selective attrition

  • Follows same participants over time

Longitudinal studies tend to require more resources; these are often more expensive than those used by cross-sectional studies. They are also more likely to be influenced by what is known as selective attrition, which means that some individuals are more likely to drop out of a study than others. Because a longitudinal study occurs over a span of time, researchers can lose track of subjects. Individuals might lose interest, move to another city, change their minds about participating, etc. This can influence the validity of the study.

One of the advantages of cross-sectional studies is that data is collected all at once, so participants are less likely to quit the study before data is fully collected.

Kendra Cherry

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”


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What to Know About Dating Beta Males

Key Takeaways

  • If you like being in control, a beta male might be your perfect match because he adapts to your preferences.
  • A beta male partner is loyal, kind, and not competitive, but might have trouble saying “no” or leading.
  • To build a balanced relationship, it’s important to practice active listening and involve your beta male partner in decisions.

You’re dating a guy who goes with the flow for everything. He’s always cool with your restaurant, movie, and vacation choices. He listens. He’s loyal. You lead. He follows. Sounds familiar? Then you’re probably dating a beta male.

What Is a Beta Male?

What do characters like Phil Dunphy from Modern Family, Chandler Bing from Friends, and Marshall Eriksen from How I Met Your Mother have in common? They’re kind, supportive, more passive, emotionally expressive and attuned, nurturing, cooperative, and caring. All characteristics that describe a beta male, according to the pseudoscientific construct of a dominance hierarchy amongst humans.

Characteristics of a Beta Male

Tatiana Rivera Cruz, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions, says beta males can be classified as men who lack dominance. They typically have passive traits like loyalty and support that help them in relationships, work, and social situations.

Some common characteristics of beta males include the following:

  • Collaborating and cooperating with others to make a decision
  • Struggles with saying “no” and being firm with boundaries
  • Not competitive
  • Friendly and warm
  • Comfortable with emotions and intimacy
  • Respects leadership
  • Loyal
  • Does not have a big ego
  • Prefers to follow and not lead
  • Trustworthy and reliable

Pros and Cons of Dating a Beta Male

Dating a beta male means having a partner who’s reliable and enjoys being there for you emotionally, mentally, and physically. They won’t engage in toxic masculinity and try to impress you with toughness or dominance. You won’t have to worry about any fragile egos. They’re kind, comfortable, and confident with themselves and where they’re at. All attributes that make a good partner.

However, not everyone desires a beta male in their relationship. For all their benefits, beta males have a few cons like unwillingness to take charge and poor communication.

A beta male can be the right partner, depending on the type of person you are in a relationship.

Why It Works For Some Couples

Clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff says a beta male partner is ideal for people who have strong opinions and enjoy being in control. Because a beta male will adapt their preferences to whomever they’re dating, they’re more compatible with a strong-minded and dominant person.

The Challenges of Dating a Beta Male

If you want a leader or protector, a beta male is not the partner for you, says Dr. Romanoff. Beta males are more comfortable in a submissive role. They want to be taken care of and would rather take directions instead of giving them.

The main challenge with dating a beta male is that may be conflict-avoidant and not straightforward with their needs. Beta males rarely put themselves first and often believe they must sacrifice their needs to preserve attachment to others. Instead of communicating clearly, they may attempt to get their needs met in indirect or passive-aggressive ways.

“Over time, the more [a beta male] prioritizes others over themselves, the more likely they will build resentment towards their partner and label them as a taker,” says Dr. Romanoff.

Beta Male vs. Alpha Male: What’s the Difference?

In Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson is alpha and Ben Wyatt is beta. The difference is that beta males are subordinate while alpha males are dominant. Though, both are gender stereotypes based on generalized behaviors. 

Alpha Male

  • Described as aggressive, brave, competitive, and confident

  • Enjoys taking the lead and making decisions in a relationship

  • Takes pride in being a protector and provider

Beta Male

  • Described as non-confrontational, kind, loyal, and comfortable with emotional intimacy

  • Prefers to follow directions instead of giving them

  • Enjoys a more “submissive” or deferential role in relationships

Societal Expectations and Overcoming Stereotypes

Where does the concept of beta males and alpha males come from? Well, according to Dr. Romanoff, societal expectations of heteronormative relationships are to blame—there’s this idea that men are the leaders and women are the followers in relationships. However, this is rarely how most relationships operate. 

People in healthy relationships typically assume both roles, depending on the situation, individual preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. For example, one partner is best at detail-oriented tasks like planning vacations, whereas the other excels at time management and keeping schedules on track.

Societal expectations usually relate to the optics of the couple and how they present externally to the world. They don’t reflect the private interactions that occur within the relationship. People are not always alpha or beta all the time. Behaviors depend on the situation. 

Societal expectations of a beta male are someone weak, passive, and submissive. Ultimately, healthy people exhibit all of these traits at some point in their lives . No one can be strong, in control, and dominant all the time without suppressing their own needs.

Unfortunately, the expectation that men must always be leaders and in control causes them to sublimate many of their needs and suppress their emotions. Research shows that continuous emotional suppression has detrimental health effects such as an increase in cancer mortality and cardiovascular disease.

Health aside, feeling pressure to be an alpha male all the time prevents men from authentically connecting with their partners and experiencing intimacy which requires vulnerability. People who identify as beta males may feel shame and guilt for not living up to these arbitrary, rigid, and limiting stereotypes of strength and dominance.

Ultimately, these societal pressures benefit no one—not the beta and alpha males or their partners. It’s okay to be both—an alpha male and a beta male—when the situation or relationship calls for it.

Tips for Dating a Beta Male

If you’re seeking a partner who’s not afraid of commitment, confident in themselves, and open to being a supportive passenger in the relationship, a beta male sounds like the perfect match. But with any relationship, there’s going to be issues.

Maybe, your beta male partner isn’t meeting your needs and wants or communication has come to a head. Whatever the case, before you throw in the towel, try applying these dating strategies to your relationship and beta male partner.

Dealing With Criticism

Dr. Romanoff notes a relationship only needs to make sense to the two people in it. Everyone projecting criticism is speaking through the bias of their life experiences and prejudice. Instead of focusing on them, consider why their criticism is resonating with you and why you need the approval of others. 

“Usually, we seek from others what we cannot give to ourselves,” she says. “Consider why it might be important to attach your worth to the image of a strong and powerful man. Perhaps you are outsourcing your perceived lack of power or value to the man you believe you need to attach yourself to.”

Communication Strategies

It’s important to practice active listening, have open and honest communication, and avoid dominating the conversation when you’re talking with a beta male. Give them your full attention and reflect their thoughts and feelings. Use “I” statements when talking about your needs and approach conflict with a calm, curious, collaborative, and mutually respectful attitude.

Balancing Power

A balanced relationship needs to have trust, respect, and equality. Involve your partner in decisions and show that you value their opinions. Bring up their strengths and talk about their past successes to build confidence. Help them grow by respecting their personal space and encouraging them to take the lead in areas where they feel comfortable. 

Emotional Support 

When your partner is going through a tough time, be empathetic and offer comfort by using positive reinforcement. Beta males are sensitive to non-verbal communication. Be mindful of your positive body language and tone of voice. Use a reassuring touch to show affection and support. This can help strengthen the emotional bond between you two.

Keep in Mind

Sometimes, a relationship ends because of incompatibility. If nothing seems to help improve the relationship, Cruz recommends analyzing whether the relationship is worth saving. If both parties are willing to work to improve the relationship, consider couples therapy. Licensed professionals are much more adept at navigating relationship conflict and getting partners back on track.

“[Determine whether] the beta male’s traits are manageable or not,” Cruz says. “Some males are aware of their traits and [open] to work on them. Meanwhile, others are unwilling to change because it is not a problem for them. Every relationship is different and needs to be analyzed by all parties to determine a solution.”

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
  1. Gesquiere, L. R., Learn, N. H., Simao, M. C. M., Onyango, P. O., Alberts, S. C., & Altmann, J. (2011). Life at the top: Rank and stress in wild male baboons. Science, 333(6040), 357–360. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1207120

  2. Gesquiere LR, Learn NH, Simao MCM, Onyango PO, Alberts SC, Altmann J. Life at the top: rank and stress in wild male baboons. Science. 2011;333(6040):357–360.

Katharine Chan

By Katharine Chan, MSc, BSc, PMP

Katharine is the author of three books (How To Deal With Asian Parents, A Brutally Honest Dating Guide and A Straight Up Guide to a Happy and Healthy Marriage) and the creator of 60 Feelings To Feel: A Journal To Identify Your Emotions. She has over 15 years of experience working in British Columbia’s healthcare system.


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Is Wishing You Were Dead a Symptom of Depression?


Information presented in this article may be triggering to some people. If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911. 

For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.

Key Takeaways

  • If you are having thoughts of death or wishing you were dead, it may be a symptom of depression or other mental health disorders.
  • Suicidal thoughts can be passive, like wishing you were dead, or active, where you make plans to harm yourself.
  • If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, it’s important to seek help immediately by contacting a crisis hotline or a mental health professional.

Does thinking about death all the time mean that you’re depressed? If you’ve been diagnosed with a mood disorder like major depression, bipolar disorder, or another mental health disorder, you may be preoccupied with thoughts of death.

This might include symptoms such as passively wishing you were dead, actively beginning to plan your death, or becoming absorbed in thoughts of dying.

Preoccupation with death can be a symptom of depression and other mental illnesses. Here’s why having a mental health condition can make you have these feelings and what you can do to address them.

What Might Cause Thoughts of Death?

If you are always thinking about death, it is normal to wonder if you might be depressed. Depression is one cause, but other factors might cause you to think about death often.

Depression

Thinking about death or wishing you were dead can be a symptom of depression. If you are also experiencing other symptoms, it is essential to talk to a doctor.

Other Symptoms of Depression

Other symptoms of depression include:

  • Fatigue
  • Insomnia
  • Lethargy
  • Loss of interest in pleasurable activities
  • Social withdrawal
  • Changes in sleep
  • Unexplained aches and pains
  • Crying, despair, or hopelessness
  • Loss of self-esteem
  • Irritability
  • Difficulty concentrating

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar depression is similar to major depression. The main difference is that if you have bipolar disorder and are experiencing a depressive episode, you may be more likely than a person with unipolar depression to have “mixed” symptoms. A mixed episode of bipolar disorder can include agitation (both mental and physical), irritability, anger, and anxiety.

Single symptoms are rarely present; rather, there are different groups of symptoms that are common. Groupings of symptoms may include changes in activity levels, physical changes, emotional pain, difficult moods, and changes in thought patterns.

Intrusive or Obsessive Thoughts

If you constantly have obsessive, intrusive thoughts about death or dying, it might be a sign of a condition such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

OCD involves experiencing obsessions and/or compulsions that interfere with your daily life or cause distress. Some people engage in behaviors (compulsions), but the condition can also involve thoughts, such as those centered on death, without compulsions.

Research has found that having OCD significantly increases a person’s risk of experiencing suicidal ideation.

PTSD is a condition that can occur after a person has experienced a traumatic event. In addition to flashbacks, anxiety, and nightmares, people also experience intrusive thoughts. Research has found that PTSD is a risk factor for suicide.

Grief

Losing a loved one can also cause people to experience a preoccupation with death. You might think of death often or even find yourself wishing for your own death. Grief is a natural response to loss, but it can also lead to prolonged problems if it turns into what is known as complicated grief.

This condition affects around 7% of bereaved people and can lead to intrusive thoughts of death or suicidal thinking.

Types of Suicidal Ideation

Having suicidal thoughts, also referred to as suicidal ideation, is a hallmark symptom of major depression and depressive episodes in bipolar disorder. Suicidal ideation can be passive (thinking about death often but not acting on these thoughts) or active (making plans to act on suicidal thoughts).

Passive Suicidal Ideation

Passive suicidal ideation involves thinking about death to a marked degree. These thoughts may take the form of imagining yourself dead or wishing you were dead. While passive suicidal ideation may be frequent, intense, and intrusive, you are not taking action or planning to harm yourself in response to these thoughts.

Signs of Passive Suicidal Ideation

Examples of passive suicidal ideation include:

  • Envisioning yourself lying in a casket
  • Imagining what would happen at your funeral
  • Obsessing or worrying about what you would leave people in your will (though not taking any action, such as filling out paperwork)
  • Wishing you would die in your sleep or a car accident

You may have these thoughts without feeling the urge to act on them. For example, your family, work responsibilities, or your religious/philosophical beliefs may deter you from making suicide plans.

“I wish I was dead” is a common phrase many people utter without meaning, such as when expressing embarrassment or exasperation in a joking manner. However, someone who is depressed may use these words to convey that they are not coping well—and this is no joke.

If someone in your life suggests or states that they wish they were dead, always take them seriously. Passive suicidal ideation can quickly become active.

Active Suicidal Ideation

With active suicidal ideation, “I wish I were dead” progresses to thoughts or plans for following through on those feelings. The progression from thinking to planning can be spurred on by a number of factors, such as stressful life events or the flux of your mental illness symptoms.

Suicidal thoughts are most often caused by the culmination of these factors, which leaves you feeling trapped, overwhelmed, and out of control. You may feel guilty and as though you are a burden to others. You may be hopeless and convinced that your life will never get better.

Suicide Risk Factors

Risk factors for completing suicide include:

  • Access to firearms or other lethal means
  • Prior suicide attempts
  • Significant life stressors
  • Substance use disorders

A person’s thoughts usually have elements of both passive and active suicidal ideation—often with no clear separation. Being aware of where you are on the spectrum between passive and active can give you insight into how well you cope with and manage your mental health.

Whether or not you have made a suicide plan, the thoughts associated with active suicidal ideation must be taken seriously. Research shows that decision-making processes are altered when someone attempts suicide.

If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or showing signs of planning suicide, reach out for help immediately.

Managing Suicidal Thoughts

If you are feeling a strong urge to attempt suicide, you are concerned that a loved one is going to attempt suicide, or if anyone is in immediate danger, call 911 or go to your local emergency room.

If you or someone you care about is having suicidal thoughts, it’s very important that you seek help. Whether it’s a trusted family member, friend, doctor, or mental health professional, these feelings do not have to be (and shouldn’t have to be) faced alone.

Depression, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses can be treated. If you are trying to cope with mental illness know that there are resources, such as online and in-person support groups, that may be able to help. If you are helping a loved one who is dealing with mental illness, there are also support groups for caregivers that can offer resources.

Where to Reach Out

If you are having persistent thoughts about death and dying, reach out to someone in your life who is trustworthy and compassionate. If you don’t have someone in your family or group of friends that you can talk to, look to others in your community, such as clergy, counselors, and health care providers.

You can also reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or visit the website to use the online chat feature any time day or night. These resources are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

You may be hesitant to talk about suicide openly, as the topic is sometimes considered taboo and a pervasive stigma is attached to mental illness. However, if someone you love is depressed and you are concerned they are suicidal, it’s vital that you ask them directly if they are thinking about harming themselves.

Contrary to popular belief, asking about someone’s intentions does not “plant” the idea of suicide in their head. Instead, it lets the person know you care about them and are ready to help.

If your loved one admits they are feeling suicidal, having thoughts about death, or making plans based on those thoughts, the first thing you need to do is make sure they are safe. From there, you can reach out to the appropriate resources for help.

Avoiding Impulsivity

If you are having thoughts of suicide or feeling that you wish you were dead, avoid making any impulsive decisions or taking drastic actions. While the feelings you are having may be intense and distressing, try to remember that they will pass.

If you feel that you are not in control of your life at the moment and that things will never get better, remember that feelings and emotions do not last forever and can change.

When you are depressed it can be difficult to recognize that you have an impact on others. The ripple effect of your actions is felt throughout your personal and professional life, your school, and your community. It may not seem or feel like it, but there are people in your life who care about you.

If you reach out to them, chances are they will be more than willing to support you. Even if the people in your life aren’t sure how to help, they can be present with you as you work to identify the resources, support, and treatment that you need.

Help is Available

If you have thoughts of death and dying but have no immediate plans to harm yourself, call your doctor or therapist as soon as possible. These feelings and thoughts may indicate that you have a mental health disorder that hasn’t been diagnosed yet.

If you have already been diagnosed with a mental health condition, feeling suicidal can indicate you need to adjust your treatment. You may need to change or increase your medication, begin psychotherapy, or pursue inpatient/outpatient mental health treatment.


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