Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

While everyone may perceive neglect differently, emotional neglect in childhood generally refers to when a child doesn’t experience emotional security or support from their guardian figures. Our emotions may have been completely ignored or invalidated—purposefully or unconsciously—or we might have been explicitly shamed for expressing our feelings.

This form of neglect can occur when a caregiver is not present, but when they are present they are emotionally unavailable, if the parent is ill-equipped to handle childhood emotions, or if the parent is purposefully dismissive. 

“Emotional neglect is considered a form of trauma, as it can have long-lasting and profound effects on a person’s emotional and psychological well-being,” says therapist Daniel Rinaldi, MHC. He adds that chronic emotional neglect can shape our emotional landscape as adults by affecting our self-esteem and impacting our interpersonal relationships. 

How Do I Know If I Was Emotionally Neglected as a Child?

Raising children is highly nuanced and inherently difficult; there’s no doubt that our parents or caregivers made mistakes along the way. However, chronic emotional neglect is not the norm, and its ripple effects follow us well into adulthood. 

“Emotional neglect can be hard to spot because it is not always visible—even to a professional,” says Aurisha Smolarski, LMFT, founder of Cooperative Coparenting. “It is also hard to spot because it tends to be based less on what a parent does and more on what they don’t do.” 

Some parents emotionally neglect their children because they’re uncomfortable with emotions in general and are unsure of how to respond to the complex feelings a child experiences. 

Other parents are too overwhelmed with the stress in their own life—including struggles with addiction, work-life balance, child-rearing, and mental health issues. Smolarski also notes that parents who experienced abuse or neglect themselves may be more likely to neglect their own children.

What Are Some Examples of Childhood Emotional Neglect?

Here are some signs of childhood emotional neglect. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it provides a general idea of what emotional neglect looks like:

• Punishment for expressing negative emotions like sadness, frustration, or anger (e.g., being told to go to your room or be quiet)
• Lack of shared celebration or joy when experiencing a positive emotion like happiness or excitement (it might even present as zapping the positive emotion with a negative response)
• Being told your feelings or experiences aren’t valid or worth further examination (example phrases might include “You’re too sensitive,” “Stop acting like a baby” or “Don’t worry about it.”)
• Dismissed or ignored feelings because the parent is focused on themselves or another situation 
• Withholding or not showing affection, whether it is explicitly requested or not
• Failure to intervene or find a solution in situations when a child is under emotional stress
• Not acknowledging difficult emotions like grief after losing a pet or embarrassment after being bullied (often because the parent struggles to recognize or process these emotions themselves)

How Does Emotional Neglect in Childhood Affect Us as Adults?

Those of us who were emotionally neglected as children often develop behavior patterns or coping mechanisms. Any of the following might be indicative of emotional neglect in childhood.

Difficulty Expressing and Processing Emotions 

Childhood emotional neglect can cause us to avoid emotions altogether in adulthood. We may struggle to identify our feelings or find it difficult to process big feelings.

There might also be a general sense of “numbness,” which is ultimately a form of self-protection. Smolarski adds, “They may choose to leave a relationship or situation instead of asking for something they need because that feels safer than the risk of rejection.” 

People-Pleasing Tendencies

On the other side of the coin, Smolarski says that if we’ve been emotionally neglected as kids, we might end up becoming the “caretaker” or “burden holder” of our friends and family.

Essentially, addressing other people’s emotions and needs allows us to feel worthy, loved, needed, and good enough. This can backfire if we end up focusing so much on others that we fail to prioritize ourselves. 

We May Have a Super Hard Time Trusting Other People

Sometimes it feels safer to put up walls so that no one else can get in and potentially hurt us. We’re simply trying to protect ourselves.

Vulnerability and opening up to other people may feel scary too which limits the ability to connect with others. “They may withdraw or isolate from social or peer groups because they feel different and because they fear being asked to talk about how they feel,” Smolarski notes. 

She adds that some might even self-sabotage their relationships to avoid feeling abandoned, rejected, or neglected. And those who find themselves in close relationships may struggle to access or voice their own emotions, which can negatively impact the relationship. 

Our Self-Esteem May Take a Hit

Rinaldi says that chronic childhood neglect can often cause people to have low self-worth. If our self-esteem is low, we might write off our own emotions or even let people walk all over us.

Low self-esteem may also cause struggles with self-compassion and self-love.

We May Try to Cope in Some Not-So-Healthy Ways

In some cases, childhood emotional neglect can present with poor coping techniques as an adult. Bonnie Scott, LPC-S, founder of Mindful Kindness Counseling, says this is often because people who’ve been neglected have trouble trusting their own experience of emotions and needs. 

“They may meet those needs in maladaptive ways, like becoming codependent on people who aren’t good for them or showing people-pleasing behaviors to keep people around,” Scott says. They might also rely on drugs or alcohol to get them through a difficult emotion or become addicted to shopping, porn, online usage, risky sex, or food.

How Emotional Neglect Causes Trauma

Rinaldi says that emotional neglect can impact someone’s life—even if it occurs only once or twice—though it is even more profound and complex when there’s a chronic pattern extended over a period of time.

Ongoing Neglect Is Child Abuse

Ongoing emotional neglect is considered a form of child abuse. According to the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, it’s a traumatic experience that, if severe or continued over a long period of time, can affect a child’s development.

“Trauma can cause changes in the brain and nervous system that in turn lead to difficulty expressing emotions, lower self-esteem, shame, or guilt,” Smolarski says. “Children suffering from the trauma of neglect can have behavioral issues at home and in school and may struggle to form and maintain relationships in childhood and as adults.” 

More severe neglect can lead to substance abuse, the tendency to engage in risky behavior, and long-term mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect

If you experienced childhood emotional neglect, know that you’re not alone. So many of us have survived this kind of abuse.

Fortunately, healing is possible. There’s so much room for personal growth and a pathway to improved self-worth. Trust and emotional intimacy can be learned over time with patience and a strong support system. We can have and deserve fulfilling relationships.

“Remember that there is nothing wrong or bad about you or your emotions,” Smolarski says. “We all have emotions. It’s just that you didn’t have someone to reflect them back to you, to teach you that your emotions are welcome and valid, and to help you regulate them. Making the effort to heal this wound is a sign of bravery, and can be done at any age.” 

Therapy Can Help

She adds that this process often requires professional support, such as therapy. Therapy allows us to explore past experiences, process unresolved emotions, and develop healthier coping strategies and communication skills.

“Outside of professional settings, individuals can prioritize their emotional well-being through various self-care activities, such as engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment, practicing mindfulness and meditation to cultivate self-awareness, and journaling to express and process emotions,” Smolarski adds. 

Borderline personality disorder and narcissism (more accurately, narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD) are both personality disorders. When the two occur together, symptoms of each may worsen. It may be more challenging to diagnose and treat the conditions. But it’s possible that treating BPD (borderline personality disorder) may help alleviate some of the symptoms of NPD.

Narcissism itself is not a symptom of BPD listed in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM-5). However, as many as 40% of people with BPD may also have narcissistic personality disorder, so people with BPD may also show signs of narcissism.

The term “borderline narcissist” is sometimes used to refer to people with both conditions, but it is important to note that it is not a diagnosis. It may be used informally to refer to someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) who also has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Or, it may refer to someone who has some symptoms of NPD, but not enough for a diagnosis.

Differences Between Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism

Both borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) both personality disorders and can share some characteristics. Both involve dramatic, overly emotional, or unpredictable thinking or behaviors. However, the two conditions are significantly different, says Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder and director of the Bay Area CBT Center.

Ego-syntonic means people’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors align with their self-image. People with BPD or NPD have poor insight into their conditions and do not see anything wrong with their behaviors and perceptions. This can play a role in complicating treatment.

People with both types of disorders may have very low self-worth. But in NPD, that leads to egotistical behavior and a lack of empathy. In BPD, anger may be turned inward, resulting in frequent changes in behavior and mood.

“Individuals with NPD tend to score extremely high in cognitive or ‘cold’ empathy but are substantially below average in affective or ‘warm’ empathy. Conversely, those with BPD generally score below average in cognitive empathy and around or slightly below average in warm empathy,” explains Lev.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is one of 10 personality disorders recognized in the fifth edition of the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM-5). NPD is one of the “Cluster B”, or dramatic/erratic, personality disorders.

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by the presence of five or more of the following symptoms:

• A sense of entitlement
• An inflated sense of self-importance
• Arrogant, egotistical, or haughty behavior
• Envious of others or believes others are envious of them
• Lack of empathy
• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Requiring excessive admiration
• Taking advantage of others
• Believing that they are “special” and can only be understood by other special or high-status people

In short, people with NPD might be described as self-absorbed or egotistical. This self-absorption rises to the level of a clinical disorder when it significantly interferes with the person’s relationships, job, or other important domains in life. Many experts believe that this egotistical style is actually an attempt to deal with an underlying poor sense of self-worth.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is also a Cluster B personality disorder. It is characterized by consistent changes in behavior, mood, and self-image. Episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety lasting up to a few days are common for people with BPD.

People with BPD frequently change their opinion of themselves and others and their interests. Drastic changes in opinion often lead to tumultuous or unstable relationships with others. Other symptoms of BPD include:

Especially during times of stress, people with BPD can experience dissociation. Someone experiencing dissociation can feel like they don’t have a sense of self or identity. They can feel detached from their emotions, memories, and thoughts. They can also experience significant memory loss of times in their life, people, and events.

How Often NPD and BPD Co-Occur

While the overlap between NPD and BPD is discussed often in the popular psychology literature and online, very few careful studies of the co-occurrence of NPD and BPD have been conducted. One older study reported that almost 39% of people with BPD also have NPD.

Another 2018 study showed a strong correlation between BPD and a certain type of narcissism: vulnerable narcissism, which is characterized by hypersensitivity, defensiveness, and low self-esteem. The same study also found that male patients had higher narcissistic scores than female patients. But its sample size was small (65 people).

How NPD Affects BPD

There are a number of theoretical reasons to believe that someone with both NPD and BPD would be less likely to get better over time. People with NPD can be resistant to treatment, and often have poor insight into the ways that their behaviors are detrimental to themselves or others.

Also, people with NPD may cause more emotional pain to others than they cause themselves. This can mean that their motivation to change their behavior is very low.

“They possess a high level of emotional intelligence, enabling them to understand others’ thoughts and feelings and to adopt their perspectives. But they are not emotionally or physiologically affected by others’ pain and suffering,” Lev explains.

One study that followed BPD patients over six years found that rates of co-occurring NPD were fairly low, about 6%, in patients whose BPD eventually went away (remitted).

However, rates of co-occurring NPD were higher (around 19%) in patients whose BPD did not remit after six years. So there is a subset of people with non-remitting BPD and higher rates of NPD.

NPD and BPD in Relationships

The relationships of people with BPD are often quite dysfunctional. Adding NPD into the mix can create even more disordered conditions. One study notes, for example, that as the severity of NPD increases, so does aggression (directed at oneself or others) and difficulty with interpersonal behavior and moral functioning.

In addition to the chaotic emotional life and fears of abandonment associated with BPD, a person with co-occurring NPD may also take advantage of or manipulate others while having little empathy for others’ concerns. This combination can be incredibly destructive in relationships.

“People high on narcissism including those with antisocial personality disorder, may even feel pleasure from other people’s suffering, which is not the cause with BPD,” says Lev.

Treatment for NPD and BPD

There are currently no empirically supported treatments for NPD and no published clinical trials of treatments for NPD alone or co-occurring with BPD.

Published research on the treatment of NPD is limited to some case studies or anecdotal accounts, but these types of studies tend to be unreliable and subject to bias. The case study literature on the treatment of NPD has primarily centered around the use of modified psychoanalytic techniques and has recognized the challenges of successfully treating the disorder.

Some researchers suggest that because there is some overlap between NPD and BPD symptoms (such as impulsivity and destructive behaviors), treatments designed for BPD, including dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), mentalization-based therapy, schema-focused therapy, and transference-based psychotherapy, may also work with NPD. However, more research on the topic is needed.

The halo effect is a type of cognitive bias in which the overall impression of a person influences how others feel and think about a person’s specific traits. For example, “He is nice!” affects the perception of other particular characteristics (“He is also smart!”). Perceptions of a single trait can carry over to other aspects, too.

The Halo Effect: The Physical Attractiveness Stereotype

The halo effect is also sometimes referred to as the physical attractiveness stereotype and the “what is beautiful is also good” principle.

However, the halo effect can encompass other traits as well. For example, people tend to see others who are sociable or kind as likable and intelligent, too. The halo effect allows perceptions of one quality to spill over into biased judgments of other qualities.

The expression draws on the image of a halo, which casts a positive light on what it surrounds; thus, the “halo” created by the perception of one characteristic can cover others in the same way. 

The History of the Halo Effect

Psychologist Edward Thorndike first coined the term in a 1920 paper titled “The Constant Error in Psychological Ratings.” In the experiment described in the paper, Thorndike asked commanding officers in the military to evaluate a variety of qualities in their subordinate soldiers. These characteristics included such things as leadership, physical appearance, intelligence, loyalty, and dependability.

Thorndike’s goal was to determine how ratings of one quality bled over to assessments of other characteristics. He found that high ratings of a particular quality correlated to high ratings of other characteristics, while negative ratings of a specific quality also led to lower ratings of other characteristics.

“The correlations were too high and too even,” Thorndike wrote. “For example, for the three raters next studied, the average correlation for physique with intelligence is 0.31; for physique with leadership, .39; and for physique with character, 0.28.”

So why do our overall impressions of a person create this halo that influences our evaluations of specific traits? Researchers have found that attractiveness is one factor.

However, this attractiveness stereotype can be a double-edged sword. Other studies have found that, although people are more likely to ascribe positive qualities to attractive people, they are also more likely to believe that good-looking individuals are vain, dishonest, and likely to use their attractiveness to manipulate others.

Impact of the Halo Effect

The halo effect plays out in many arenas.

In Education

Teachers may interact with students differently based on perceptions of attractiveness. For example, in one study, teachers had better expectations of kids that they rated as more attractive.

Another study looked at the academic records of more than 4,500 students. A group of 28 people then rated the attractiveness of the students (based on student ID photos) on a scale of 1 (very unattractive) to 10 (very attractive). Students were then divided into three groups: below-average, average, and above-average attractiveness.

Researchers then compared students’ grades between classes taken in a traditional face-to-face classroom setting and those taken online. Students who were rated as above-average in appearance earned significantly lower grades in online courses than they did in their traditional classes.

In the Workplace

Experts suggest that the halo effect is one of the most common biases affecting performance appraisals and reviews. Supervisors may rate subordinates based on the perception of a single characteristic rather than the whole of their performance and contribution. For example, a worker’s enthusiasm or positive attitude may overshadow their lack of knowledge or skill, causing coworkers to rate them more highly than their actual performance justifies.

The halo effect can also have an impact on income. A study published in the Journal of Economic Psychology found that, on average, attractive food servers earned approximately $1,200 more per year in tips than their unattractive counterparts.

Another study found that physical attractiveness has a positive effect not only on a person’s self-confidence but also on their overall income and financial well-being.

In Marketing

Marketers take advantage of the halo effect to sell products and services. When a celebrity spokesperson endorses a particular item, our positive evaluations of that individual can spread to our perceptions of the product itself.

The Reverse Halo (or Horn) Effect

As the name implies, the reverse halo effect occurs when a person judges another negatively based on only one known characteristic. That single trait colors all of the others for someone experiencing the reverse halo effect. For example, a person might assume that someone they view as unattractive is also unkind.

Age really is just a number, and this is becoming truer as we move toward a greater cultural embrace of aging gracefully and the possibilities of longevity. For most men, this is an agreeable sentiment—the older man-younger woman dynamic has been accepted as normal for generations.

Now on the rise is a similar trend with older women. Accepting that any romantic limits relying on age are groundless, 24% of single women are venturing out to find love, companionship, and sexual satisfaction with younger men—up from 21% a decade ago.

Likewise, 25% of younger men are looking beyond partners within their age group to find fulfillment in relationships with mature lovers. 

For anyone considering making a move toward an older woman-younger man relationship, we’ll be examining the benefits. To make certain all the right elements are present, we’ll also look at the ways to promote healthy interactions in relationships with large age differences.

Reasons for Women to Explore an Older Woman-Younger Man Relationship

After a certain age, it’s almost expected that a woman’s romantic and intimate needs take the back seat, never to be pursued or even acknowledged. In reality, this is anything but the truth, even for much older women.

A survey carried out by the University of Michigan found that 31% of women between the ages of 65 and 70 remained sexually active and happy with their sex lives.

While this happiness may be found with men of any age, the younger crowd appears to be gaining ground. Back in 2003, an AARP poll found that 34% of women over 40 were dating younger men. This may be traceable to a number of reasons that are discussed below.

Increased Sexual Compatibility

One truth about age is that it comes with experience. Older women, having navigated the sexual terrains of their 20s, 30s, and 40s, usually come out knowing what they want, what works, and what should be avoided during sex.

The decision to match with a younger man can be a plus for an older woman’s sex life. While younger men are still in the phase of understanding a woman’s body, mature women can give expert guidance tailored to their exact intimate needs.

Older women may also find younger men—who are usually at the prime of their physical health—to be more energetic as sexual partners.

Better Ease With Handling Relationship Challenges

Women above a certain age are likely to have gone through the wringer—couple fights, heartbreak, divorce—all of which come with their unique learning experiences.

By choosing to be with a younger man, mature women bring their wealth of experience navigating relationship tides; happiness, and otherwise, with their less seasoned partner.

Women at this age may also find it easier to voice out any unhappiness, which they may have stomached earlier on in their romantic lives.

They Might Be More Adventurous

Another perk of dating a younger man is proximity to current trends and activities. Younger men have a stronger grip on newer, fun places to hang out, sexual innovations to attempt, or even what social media dance challenges are worth learning!

A Change in Relationship Dynamics

In past relationships, women may have been used to playing second fiddle to their older partners. This may have seen their partners act as primary providers or heads of the home.

While this isn’t a requirement in relationships between younger men and mature women relationships, the latter are more likely to be financially stable and accomplished. This gives women the opportunity to reverse traditional roles with a younger partner. 

Opens a New Dating Market

In our present society, the 20s and 30s are ages reserved for finding partners, starting families, and raising children. This leaves a drying pool for prospective relationships after the 40s and above. 

While their peers are already partnered up, mature women can find new romantic interests in younger men that have yet to make the leap.

Reasons for Men to Consider an Older Woman-Younger Man Relationship

When it comes to partners, society has created a particularly unwelcoming environment for younger men who find older women appealing.

This attraction is often likened to an Oedipus complex, rather than a simple situation of two people finding each other compatible.

For younger men interested in exploring a relationship with older women, there are a number of reasons to do so.

It Can Be an Ego Boost

Attracting and maintaining the attention of a mature woman can serve as a thing of pride for a much younger man. 

It can be extremely flattering when an older woman with more world experience, considers a younger man’s interactions and level of intelligence intriguing enough to partner with.

A Fitting Lifestyle Arrangement

For men uninterested in having and raising children, a relationship with an older woman might be the most ideal setup.

Older women are most likely done with or are wrapping up that chapter of their lives. This leaves room to focus their attention on their younger romantic companion.

Can Learn From Their Experiences

Older women are likely to have more work and life experience than their younger counterparts. To the right man, an older partner can serve as a romantic interest, as well as a source of knowledge to learn from.

A Different Relationship Dynamic

Men are used to taking charge and performing as head of the home in relationships. This dynamic may not always fly with an older partner, as they are more self-assured and financially independent to play any role they choose in the relationship.

For younger men interested in experiencing relationships using a different lens, this can be a fitting pairing.

Fulfilling Sexual Encounters

Because older women are most likely to have fine-tuned their preferences in the bedroom—this mastery may come out on display during intimate moments with younger men.

Older women may have more to teach when it comes to sexual pleasure. This can provide oppurtunities for learning about preferences and sexual connections.

How to Maintain a Healthy Older Woman-Younger Man Relationship

When making the decision to pursue an older/younger person, the priority should be on creating the healthiest and happiest relationship possible. To create an ideal environment for your partner, the following key points should be kept in mind:

Dating at any age should be a pleasurable, intimate experience. This means not caring about what society or traditions have to say between two of-age, consenting adults. Rather than focus on the age difference with a partner, priorities should instead lie in making the relationship the safest, most accommodating space for love to thrive.