Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Whether a conscious act or unintentional, being hurt by someone else often has a lasting impact on us. It ignites a flurry of emotions—anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, and indignation—floods our minds, and can leave us with a lingering sense of deep injustice. For some, these feelings can swirl and fester in our minds, leading to ongoing resentment toward the situation or the offender. 

“With resentment, we often hold ill will toward someone or something that is the cause of the past injustices—real or perceived—and the old feelings of anger connected to them,” explains Rachel Fleischman, LCSW, founder of Bliss Counseling. “This gets sticky. People get very attached to their resentments because they are based in the deep sense of being wronged.”

The problem with resentment is that it’s something we hold within ourselves. In that sense, it often ends up impacting us more than it does the offender.

Ahead, we’re covering common reasons why you can’t let go of resentment, how this can impact you over the long term, and effective ways to process and assuage this complicated emotion. 

5 Reasons Why You Can’t Let Go of Resentment

Why is it so hard to let go of resentment? Consider these common reasons.  

You Feel Like There’s No Closure or Resolution

When a situation feels like it’s been left open-ended, it’s difficult to move forward. It’s human nature to desire a sense of closure before we can let go of any negative feelings. “We may be waiting for the other person to notice or say something,” notes Sarah Baroud, LICSW. She adds, “If I’m feeling resentful, it makes sense that I would want the person I resent to take action to fix or apologize.”

A simple acknowledgement of wrongdoing by the other might be enough to allow you to release resentment. 

Confronting the Issue Head-On Is Overwhelming 

One reason you may experience a lack of resolution is that it feels easier to sit in your resentment than to do the work required to confront the situation and mend the relationship.

In this case, Baroud says we often end up gripped by resentment and end up pointing a finger at the other person indefinitely versus taking any helpful steps forward. A pointed finger without any conversation leaves us stagnated and bitter. 

In the event that you don’t want to continue the relationship, it’s still important to confront the issue within yourself and find inner peace. 

Letting Go Makes You Feel Like You’ve “Lost” 

Your resentment might be caused by feeling like the other person still needs to “pay” or be punished for what they’ve done.

Baroud says, “Letting go of resentment may feel like you’re surrendering, like you’re letting the person off the hook. That might feel like you lost some battle.” Fleischman adds that letting go might even feel like an admission that your emotional investment in this long-held anger was futile or a waste of time. 

Remind yourself that letting go of bitter anger or frustration doesn’t allow the other person to win, nor does it imply you’ve lost. Letting go allows you to finally move forward with your life without an ever-present nagging stronghold.

Holding Onto Resentment Provides Power and Control

Gripping steadfastly onto resentment can provide a false (and painful) sense of power or control over the situation or person. “It may feel you are maintaining a psychological advantage or maybe even protecting yourself from further harm,” Fleischman says. “Releasing resentment might be seen as relinquishing control.”

Often, though, the best way to grow, find resolve, and experience inner peace is to embrace vulnerability.

Resentment Serves as a Coping Mechanism 

Similarly, holding onto resentment might also serve as a subconscious protective mechanism you’ve put in place in order to shield yourself from future hurt.

“For example, if you are in a relationship and the person cheats on you, holding onto resentment can provide a defense mechanism to prevent you from moving forward, finding another relationship, and perhaps getting hurt again,” says Amy Robbins, PsyD, director of mental health at BIÂN Chicago. 

Often, we must dig a little deeper in order to better understand why we can’t let go of these difficult feelings.

How Resentment Impacts Your Well-Being

There’s an old adage regarding resentment, says Fleischman, that goes something like “holding onto resentment is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.” This bitter, lingering feeling often ends up negatively impacting us by causing us to retreat inward, focus on the negative, and sour our relationships. 

“Resentment can often push other people away,” warns Dr. Robbins. “If you are someone who is always feeling angry, bitter, and wronged—and you are sharing that with other people—then over time those people are not going to want to be around you.”

Like any difficult emotion, research shows that holding onto resentment can cause stress in the body. A 2018 study that appeared in “Health Psychology” found that adults who held onto anger and hostility over the course of a decade experienced greater cognitive decline than those who were more apt to forgive.

Is the Goal Really to Feel No Resentment At All?

As you walk through life, it’s completely normal and OK to experience a variety of emotions. Issues arise when you’re unable to move through those emotions and they end up causing harm. 

“The goal is never not to feel, but rather to recognize the feeling and try to understand what is at the root of it,” says Dr. Robbins. “Why are you unable to let go of the anger? Why in this certain situation do you feel wronged?  And what is the history of that feeling for you? That can begin to give you some insight into the resentment.”  

Daniel Rinaldi, therapist and life coach, says that a realistic goal is to acknowledge the resentment and work toward processing it in a constructive way. You may not do it perfectly, and resentment may rear its head every once in a while. But striving to let go and find peace will serve you and your relationships. 

Strategies to Help You Begin Letting Go of Resentment

Here are some ways you can slowly work through resentment and find a greater sense of inner peace. 

• Understand the Source: Identifying the reasons you’re holding onto resentment can help you confront and work through those feelings. For example, if it’s a form of self-protection, you might be able to address how to feel vulnerable again and let your guard down more easily. If it’s because you don’t want to “lose,” then it pushes you toward seeing how you can win by letting go. 
• Examine Your Expectations: The best way to eliminate resentment is not to set yourself up for it. “If there’s a hint of ‘what’s in it for me,’ chances are you’re headed for some resentment,” Fleischman says. Also consider what, realistically, the other person can do in order for you to let go. Is an apology enough? Why or why not?
• Practice Gratitude: Being grateful sounds easy enough, but it requires work. This might look like examining ways the offender has positively impacted your life versus just holding onto their offense. Practicing gratitude might also look like taking stock of the wonderful things in your life and how they ultimately outshine a negative experience. 

A delusion is a false belief that a person firmly holds to be true, regardless of whether it is actually true or even possible. Someone who is delusional will hold on tight to such a belief even if other people are able to logically explain why it’s false.

There is a recognized mental illness called delusional disorder in which delusions are the dominant symptom. In a type of bipolar disorder that includes psychosis, however, delusions are a psychotic symptom of the mood disorder. They often appear along with hallucinations—sensory perceptions aren’t actually there.

Types of Delusions in Bipolar Disorder

There are many different types of delusions. These are the ones most commonly associated with mental disorders such as bipolar disorder:

• Delusions of grandeur: Believing that you’re famous or publicly important or that you’re a god.
• Delusional jealousy: Believing that your spouse or partner is being unfaithful when they are not.
• Persecutory or paranoid delusions: Suspecting that you are being followed, spied on, secretly listened to, or the like.
• Somatic delusions: Believing that you have a certain medical condition or physical defect.
• Delusions of reference: Thinking that random events contain a special meaning for you alone.
• Bizarre delusions: Believing in things that are impossible, such as thinking you’re a werewolf, your sister is an octopus, or that giant worms make subway tunnels.

Psychosis and Delusions in Bipolar Disorder

In the simplest terms, psychosis is the loss of touch with reality. When someone is having a psychotic event, their thoughts and beliefs become distorted.

Sometimes the delusions and hallucinations that accompany bipolar symptoms are in keeping with a person’s current mood state, in which case they’re called mood-congruent symptoms, and sometimes the opposite is the case—a person’s delusion doesn’t match up with their mood, which is known as mood-incongruent symptoms.

In fact, there’s an array of non-psychiatric conditions that cause psychoses, including:

• Certain drugs and medications
• Head injuries
• Huntington’s disease
• Sleep deprivation
• Temporal lobe epilepsy
• Thyroid disorders
• Vitamin B12 deficiency

Bipolar Psychosis

In bipolar disorder, psychotic events usually occur during manic episodes, but they can develop during a depressive state as well. Either way, if psychotic episodes are part of your bipolar disorder, your official diagnosis will likely be a bipolar disorder with psychotic features (sometimes referred to as bipolar psychosis).

One study found that people with bipolar psychosis tend to be more likely to experience more rapid cycling, as well as more chronic mood disturbances, than those who have bipolar without psychosis.

Warning Signs of Psychosis

Psychosis doesn’t normally happen suddenly. There are often warning signs that can let you know that it’s coming, including:

• A decrease in performance at work or at school
• A sudden decline in self-care or personal hygiene
• Being unable to do things you normally can
• Confused speech or trouble communicating, such as changing topics rapidly or speaking incoherently
• Difficulty telling reality from fantasy
• Extreme changes in sleeping or eating patterns
• Having trouble focusing and concentrating
• Saying or doing bizarre things that don’t reflect reality 
• Spending a lot more time alone than usual
• Strong, inappropriate emotions or having no feelings at all
• Suddenly losing interest in the things you used to enjoy
• Suspiciousness or uneasiness with others

Treatment for Delusions in Bipolar Disorder

Psychosis—and therefore the delusions and/or hallucinations that comprise it—is treatable, especially if treatment is focused and prompt. Early intervention makes a big difference in recovery. Treatment may include antipsychotic medications and psychotherapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and supportive psychotherapy.

Medications

Medications can help reduce delusions and the behaviors that result. Typical antipsychotics block dopamine in the brain, while atypical antipsychotics can be used to block both dopamine and serotonin. Antidepressants may be prescribed if a person is also experiencing mood symptoms in addition to delusions. Mood stabilizers may also be prescribed to treat symptoms of bipolar disorder.

Psychotherapy

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is often used to treat delusions that may occur in bipolar disorder. This type of therapy works by helping people learn to recognize their delusional beliefs and challenge these ways of thinking with more realistic thought patterns.

Coping With Delusions in Bipolar Disorder

If you have bipolar disorder and experience delusions, it is important to take steps to manage your symptoms. Strategies that can help include:

• Tracking your symptoms: Use a mood tracker or daily journal to record your thoughts, moods, and other symptoms. Note things that might trigger delusions, like stress or environmental changes.
• Avoid triggers: Do your best to limit your exposure to things that might trigger symptoms, such as stress, alcohol, or poor sleep.
• Seek support: Talk to close friends or family about your condition and ask them to help watch for signs of mood changes. Have a plan in place for the steps your loved ones can take if you begin to experience a psychotic episode.
• Stick to your treatment plan: Be sure to follow your doctor’s treatment recommendations, including taking your medication and attending therapy appointments.

If you’re in the dating game, single moms will likely be in the mix. In fact, according to a Pew Research Center study, the US has the world’s highest rate of children living in single-parent households, specifically those run by single moms.

Single parents bring unique perspectives, priorities, and life experiences to the table—and that can make them great partners. They’re often capable, smart, flexible, and know what they’re looking for in a relationship. Here’s what to do when dating a single mom—and how to take your relationship to the next level without getting overly involved too soon.

Recognize That It’s Different

When dating a single mom, it’s important that you adjust your expectations. In other relationships, you may have been able to gauge a person’s feelings for you by how much time and energy they put into your relationship.

When you’re dating a single parent, this isn’t necessarily the case. They may not have the time to see you as often as you’d both like. Single parents’ time is limited, and much of their energy goes toward taking care of their kids. You’ll need to look for other expressions of their feelings for you.

Another difference is that many single moms are much more clear about what they want in life. That can eliminate a lot of mystery and become an attractive quality in a relationship.

Accept That Her Children Are Her First Priority

For single parents, their kids likely come first. It’s important to understand and accept this fact. A parent’s devotion to their children is admirable, and embracing it can help enrich the relationship and prevent you from becoming jealous.

Depending on the child’s age, they may be involved in a mother’s decision on whether or not to date. Children and single mothers often see their relationship with each other as highly intense and exclusive, and kids may experience some insecurity at the thought of their parent dating.

It’s important to respect that close relationship and allow your partner to navigate things in a way that makes them and their children feel comfortable.

Take It Slow When Dating a Single Mom

Don’t try to be too much too soon to either your potential partner or their children. If you’re not sure about how involved you want to be with the kids, be open and honest about that. At the same time, it’s important that you don’t begin to take on a role that you can’t maintain for the long haul. Follow the parent’s lead when it comes to your relationship with the kids.

It’s important to give your relationship time to develop. Don’t rush into becoming a parental figure, moving in together, or getting engaged. Instead, take it slow and focus on developing trust before you take your relationship to the next level.

Be Honest and Upfront

Are you looking to hook up or interested in a long-term partner? Is marriage a possibility? Do you see yourself co-raising kids? Most single parents want to know what type of commitment you’re looking for from them, and how much you’re willing to commit in return. Whatever the case, it’s best to be honest and communicative as you start dating.

Embracing honest communication right from the start can have another benefit for your relationship: It encourages vulnerability, which can bring the two of you closer together.

Offer Emotional Support

Single moms are under a tremendous amount of pressure to provide for their children financially and emotionally. Be the kind of partner who can listen without trying to solve every problem. They will work it out in time. Offering support and encouragement will help you build a stronger bond.

Practicing active listening can go a long way toward being an emotionally supportive partner. Active listening involves being fully present in a conversation. Active listeners are neutral and patient, and may ask questions for more clarification or summarize what was said to show that they understand. This can make your partner want to share more and speak longer, and it may strengthen your relationship as a result.

Be Trustworthy

As a single mother, your girlfriend may have experienced situations previously where they depended on someone who was not trustworthy. Set yourself apart by being someone who is trustworthy. Be responsible to them without being responsible for them.

Trust is an important foundation for any relationship. You can build it by being a reliable partner and keeping your word, which will reinforce your partner’s feelings of trust toward you.

When Dating a Single Mom, Stay Flexible

Single moms have a lot of responsibilities. Between working and caring for their children, they have limited availability, which can sometimes make it hard to schedule (and keep) dates. If a sitter cancels at the last minute or a child gets sick, they may run late or need to cancel. Being a single parent also makes it hard to go on a spontaneous date, since childcare is always a top priority.

Don’t Discipline the Children

If your new girlfriend has introduced you to their kids, it likely means that they’re serious about your relationship. Still, unless they specifically ask for your support, disciplining the kids will likely remain off-limits to you.

When you’re dating a single mom, let them handle 100% of the discipline. If you have concerns about the kids’ behavior, talk with your girlfriend about it privately. Never attempt to handle the issue yourself without discussing it with them first.

If you have significant concerns about your mate’s approach to discipline, autonomy, or family dynamics, the relationship might not be the best fit for you, especially if you hope to one day have children of your own.

Don’t Pass Judgment

It’s easy to come in from the outside and judge another person’s parenting choices, and single mothers often face scrutiny for having children outside of a traditional married couple.

This behavior will not be welcomed or healthy for your relationship. Instead of passing judgment, do your best to acknowledge that being a single parent is very difficult, and try to view their choices and lifestyle from a place of helpfulness, compassion, restraint, and curiosity.

Keep in Mind

You’re the only one who can know whether dating a single mom is right for you. Don’t get caught up in listening to family members or friends who will try to discourage you or suggest that they’re just looking for a stepparent figure. This is rarely the case.

Single parents are so much more than just parents. They are adults with personal needs of their own. Pay attention to the person and the relationship you’re building together.