Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Sexual aftercare is the practice of caring for your partner(s) after sex. It can involve anything from showering together to cuddling and talking; it’s all about what makes everyone feel cared for and nurtured after engaging in sexual intimacy.

In the past, society has primarily been focused on the before and during of sex: Think foreplay and enthusiastic consent. In recent years, however, the inclusion of what happens after the act of sex has also become a focal point. Because of that, we’ve seen a rise in people discussing the “after” of sex, too.

“The term ‘sexual aftercare’ was introduced by the BDSM community as a practice to make sure everyone was taken care of after sexual encounters but has since spread outside of that community,” explains co-founder of SOHOMD Dr. Edward Ratush, a sex therapist and Board Certified Psychiatrist. While sexual aftercare was originally used to describe the time, care, and attention given to partners after BDSM play or kinky sex, it is now a common concept and practice amongst non-kink communities, monogamous couples, and polyamorous people.

Anyone who has sex can benefit from practicing sexual aftercare. Ahead, we’ll discuss more about what this practice is, what actions it may include, and why it’s important.

What is Sexual Aftercare?

There are no hard and fast rules about what is or isn’t sexual aftercare as it’s centered around the things that make individuals cared for after having sex. Because sex can be a personal, physical, vulnerable, intimate and intense activity, ensuring your partner feels cared for afterwards helps everyone leave the situation feeling good. Sexual aftercare promotes relationship satisfaction, and it can be given and received by anyone. There are no roles needed and it should be present in relationships ranging from casual to serious.

“Just as people now recognize that foreplay plays an important role to help both partners become aroused and transition from daily life into sex, there is a growing awareness that sexual aftercare can help your mind and body re-regulate themselves,” says Ratush. “Aftercare refers to a variety of behaviors after sex; it can be time spent cuddling, talking and taking care of your partner. The variation is broad because the intention of the care is to meet the partners’ need(s) in the moment,” he adds.

Aftercare can enhance feelings of security after intimacy, as it can be seen as a continuation of activities that enable our partners to feel close, connected, and respected. During sex, endorphins and feel-good hormones including oxyticn can be released, activating pleasure centers in the brain. Aftercare can help regulate how you feel and how your body responds as those chemicals dissipate. People, especially men, can be prone to depression after having sex, so taking care of your partner and seeing that their emotional needs are met may help prevent that. Intimacy, connection, and closeness do not have to end after an orgasm.

What Does Sexual Aftercare Include?

Sexual aftercare includes any activity that helps a person feel grounded and relaxed after having sex. These include, but are not limited to:

• Talking, whether it’s about the sex you just had and how you feel or other topics
• Cuddling
• Reading together
• Watching tv
• Showering together
• Eating snacks
• Taking a nap
• Rubbing each other’s backs
• Listening to music together
• Stroking each other’s hair

Before engaging in any aftercare activities, you can check in with your partner about the kinds of aftercare that would feel good for them. Communication and consent about desired activities after sex is important, just as consent for sex itself is. Openly communicating with your partner(s) about the amount of time you have available to spend together, as well as the activities you’re interested in, can occur after sex, or can be discussed beforehand so everyone is prepared.

If you and your partner(s) are more spontaneous, it may make sense to decide on aftercare in the moment. If you are the type who likes to plan days out ahead of time, you may benefit from planning aftercare in advance.

Why is Aftercare Important?

If you haven’t practiced sexual aftercare before, you might not think it’s a big deal, or something you need to be doing. But it has many health benefits, and since it’s tailored to the individual, everyone can find a way to enjoy it.

“Sexual aftercare is important whether you’re in a committed relationship or not,” Ratush tells us. He says, “the mind is incredibly vulnerable after sexual intercourse, and aftercare maintains respect between both parties and safeguards the emotional safety and security for both partners—critical factors in a positive relationship with sex.”

Aftercare can create a bridge between our intimate world and the “regular” one we’re a part of the rest of the time. “After sex of even the lowest intensity, putting aside some time to reset can help both partners manage a more positive return to regular activities,” says Ratush. This means that not only does it help us be close to one another, it also enables us to go back to our normal lives more seamlessly after a sexual encounter.

Preventing negative emotions

Aftercare can prevent negative feelings from occurring. “Even after completely consensual acts, some people may experience embarrassment, shame, or guilt that can be diminished by communication,” he explains.

For anyone who gets depressed after sex, aftercare is even more important. “It also helps combat post-coital dysphoria—informally known as ‘post-sex blues’—a feeling of sadness that can follow after coming down from the dopamine high of consensual sex,” says Ratush. He tells us that “this is a feeling experienced by both men and women that can happen after sex and can manifest as irritability, agitation, anxiety, or depression.” By practicing aftercare, you can get ahead of this issue before it takes hold. “Maintaining a positive emotional bond in moments after sex can help lessen the impact of those negative feelings,” he explains.

How to get the most out of aftercare?

Sexual aftercare can be fluid, and what it involves can change over time, even with the same partner(s). Communication about what each party wants to engage in is always key, as is consent around those activities. To get the most out of sexual aftercare, it is integral to understand your partner and their changing needs.

There’s no right or wrong way to practice aftercare. If you and your partner(s) feel cared for, you’re doing it correctly. Ratush suggests you “make sure that your partner’s needs are met after sex and communicate what you need to feel comfortable.” Even if sexual aftercare hasn’t been a part of your intimate life before, you have all the tools you need to begin engaging in emotionally healthy practice.

Emotions are a critical component of our daily lives and can often define the human experience. Take this free quiz to help you determine which emotion drives the way you experience the world and express your feelings.

The Emotion Quiz

Who Is This Test For?

This test is for anyone who is curious about which emotion is more dominant in the way you experience things or express yourself.

About This Human Emotion Test

This test is designed to help you find out which of the four basic types of human emotions drives you.

Although emotions and the way we experience them can shift, the test is not meant to be a measure of your current mood. Each response corresponds to one of the four main emotions.

What to Know About Human Emotions

Emotions shape how we feel, perceive events, make choices, and mingle with others. Over the years, researchers and psychologists have debated the definitions of emotions and the number of emotional states that exist. 

In the 1970s, a psychologist named Paul Eckman said there were six basic emotions all humans experienced. He named these as happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, surprise, and anger.

Psychologist and professor Robert Plutchik created the Wheel of Emotions, also called a feelings wheel. His theory was that basic emotions could be built on to describe more complex emotions and mixed emotional states. The wheel has basic emotions and several others that branch out and even combine to create new emotions. For example, disgust combined with anger equals contempt. 

One 2017 study published in Proceedings of National Academy of Sciences identified 27 different basic emotions.

A 2019 study published in Frontiers in Psychology identified four basic emotions. The research also discussed deeper layers of emotions where basic emotions can branch out.

4 Types of Human Emotions

The four main types of basic human emotions include happiness, sadness, fear, and anger. You can think of them as a foundation for the range of emotional states we experience. Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions includes these, with several others branching off from them.

Happiness 

Happiness is the most pleasant of the four basic emotions and the one we most often hope to experience. It’s associated with joy and well-being. 

Even though it’s considered a basic emotion, happiness can be more complex. Happiness for one person can be completely different for another person. Sometimes we think certain things or circumstances will lead to happiness, but we end up being wrong.

Some research suggests happiness is linked to better health and potentially even living longer. However, expressing only happiness without the other emotions might indicate a denial of other feelings or issues.

Who doesn’t like to feel happy? We spend our lives trying to feel this way! Just remember that happiness is an emotion, and like all emotions, it isn’t constant. It’s okay to feel other things and know that you will feel happy again in the future.

Sadness 

Sadness can be experienced as a temporary state that ranges in intensity, or it can be ongoing. For example, sadness that doesn’t go away is one of the two main symptoms of a major depressive episode. It’s associated with grief, feeling hopeless, or disinterest.

The way we experience sadness and how we express it depends on the person and the cause of sadness. Sadness brought on by a sudden action or event might be expressed through crying, while long-term sadness might be expressed through symptoms connected to depression.

Coping with sadness might lead to behaviors like substance use and withdrawing from other people.

Everyone feels sad, lonely, disappointed, rejected, and low from time to time. If you have trouble shaking that feeling, or sadness comes around for you most days, a therapist might be able to help you.”

—
AMY MARSCHALL, PSYD

Fear 

Fear is an emotion that developed in humans for survival. It’s an intense emotion brought on by a perceived threat. Fear is what triggers our fight or flight response, which tells us to take action and get away from danger—something that would have been especially helpful to our hunter gatherer ancestors.

Your body might physically react to fear with tense muscles, a raised heart rate, and racing thoughts. 

In the modern world, fear is often associated with anxiety. Although, fear is defined as an emotional response to an immediate threat and anxiety is considered a response to a perceived threat in the future.

Fear is an indicator that we might be in danger, but sometimes our minds alert us to danger that is not there. If you feel fearful a lot of the time, or experience fear that is not proportionate to the situation, a therapist might be able to help.

—
AMY MARSCHALL, PSYD

Anger

Anger is an intense emotion associated with hostility, rage, and frustration. The cause of anger could be an injury, either real or imagined, or a believing an injustice has occurred. 

This powerful emotion can be expressed as aggressive behavior intended to cause harm, but that’s not always the case. Anger can also be used as a constructive force to help us remove something unpleasant or harmful from our lives. However, anger that is intense or hard to control can negatively impact life and relationships and potentially be harmful to others.

Like happiness, research has found anger has an impact on health. It’s thought to be linked to developing chronic conditions such as heart disease and diabetes.

Anger can be an effective way for our brains to tell us something isn’t acceptable. But if you find that you struggle to control your behavior when you feel angry, anger management support can help you regulate this emotion in a healthy way.

—
AMY MARSCHALL, PSYD

Independence refers to being self-sufficient or taking care of yourself. It is often necessary to function independently as an adult, such as making and keeping your appointments, completing assignments for work, or maintaining a healthy and safe living environment.

However, like any trait, independence can be dangerous when taken to an extreme. Everyone encounters challenges they cannot tackle on their own, and everyone has needs they cannot meet without support.

What Does Hyper-Independence Look Like?

Hyper-independence refers to individual attempts to be fully independent in all things, even when it is not helpful or when they genuinely need help or support from others.

When someone’s need to be independent goes to an unhealthy extreme, this is hyper-independence. An individual who is hyper-independent will avoid asking for help or support even when this is detrimental. Hyper-independence can be a trauma response.

Signs of Hyper-Independence

Although hyper-independence can manifest differently depending on the individual, signs of hyper-independence can include:

• Over-achieving: People who are hyper-independent may overcommit to work or personal projects to the point that they are unable to manage the load themselves.
• Refusing to delegate or ask for help: Hyper-independent people will struggle to ask others for help when they are overwhelmed or will be unable to pass tasks on to someone else.
• Guardedness in relationships: Close relationships are interdependent by nature, and a person who is hyper-independent will struggle to let their walls down and let the other person in.
• Secretiveness: Hyper-independents often keep to themselves or are reluctant to share personal information that could be used against them.
• Mistrust of other people: Sometimes, a person is hyper-independent because they worry that others will let them down or betray their trust.
• Few close or long-term relationships: Because they are unable to open up to other people, it can be difficult for hyper-independent people to form and maintain friendships and romantic relationships.
• Stress or burnout: Because hyper-independent people struggle with delegating or asking for help when they need it, they often take on more than they can handle, leading to heightened stress or even burnout symptoms.
• Dislike of “neediness”: In addition to not wanting to rely on others, people who are hyper-independent may resent or resist others relying on them.

What Causes a Trauma Response?

When a person experiences a disturbing, distressing, or life-threatening event that they are unable to cope with in a healthy way, this event is considered traumatic. Traumatic events can be single experiences, like a car accident or natural disaster, or they can be chronic and ongoing, like neglect or abuse.

Other Reasons for Trauma Responses

• Sign of weakness. Children who were raised to believe that asking for help was a sign of weakness. This belief may be especially prominent in competitive families and kids who are gifted/talented.
• Parentification. Children who were parentified and experienced role reversal in the family. They literally had no help and are not used to having support. Their sense of self is often tied to what they can do for themselves and others.
• Messaging. Children who had their basic needs met would not necessarily see themselves as neglected; however, they may have received a constant message that they needed to do things on their own. There were no adults present to help them figure things out—whether that was in school, socially, in activities, or interests. They developed the sense that they were on their own.

The Mind and Body’s Response to Trauma

When someone experiences something traumatic, the brain automatically activates the body’s defense mechanism, also known as the survival response.

This built-in defense mechanism means that the body chooses behaviors based on what will keep it safest at the moment. Because our brains are wired to keep us safe and alive, we tend to hold onto survival mode long after the traumatic event has passed if we do not process it, even if it is no longer adaptive or helpful to do so.

In fact, we are so good at surviving traumatic events that our genetic expression can change in response to trauma, passing the trauma response down to our offspring through intergenerational trauma.

Why Is Hyper-Independence a Trauma Response?

Hyper-independence can develop in response to trauma for various reasons. Not everyone who experiences a trauma will have the same trauma responses. In fact, some people begin to believe that they are incapable of independence as a result of their trauma.

Feeling Undeserving of Social Support

Trauma survivors who experience hyper-independence may believe that they do not deserve support or help from other people. They might have been told that needing help or receiving support is unacceptable, so they become hyper-independent to avoid having that need.

Past Neglect

Some people’s trauma includes going through periods when their needs were not met, so they can develop hyper-independent tendencies to survive. The neglect they experienced taught them that they could only rely on themselves. They might believe that others cannot or will not help them, so there is no point in seeking help or support from others.

Mistrust of Others

Hyper-independence can also emerge from reluctance to trust others. The trauma survivor might have experienced abuse by their caregivers. This can lead to feeling unsafe asking for help, as they could pair the concept of relying on another person with that person abusing them.

Coping Mechanism

Sometimes, hyper-independence can be a way of coping with uncertainty. Many trauma survivors experience a loss of control as part of their trauma, and hyper-independence might be a way that they seek to regain a sense of control over their environment.

Treatment for Hyper-Independence

Hyper-independence is an extreme form of independence that can lead to personal and relational issues. The hyper-independent person can run into trouble when they are unable to meet a need without help and feel unable to seek support. They also often struggle with interpersonal relationships due to their mistrust of others.

Know that support is available. Therapy can go at a pace that you are comfortable with, and there is no deadline by which you have to get better. Take your time finding a provider who is a good fit, and know that you can let go of the maladaptive coping patterns that helped you survive your past.

A person experiencing hyper-independence can work on healthy relationships, trust, and honoring their own limitations in therapy. Because hyper-independence is a trauma response, trauma-informed care is an important component of this treatment.

Examples of Healing Work

The work for everyone is different because the reasons that led to hyper-independence were different.

Coping With Hyper-Independence

An important thing to remember about any trauma response is that it is a way to survive and cope in a stressful and unfair situation. While hyper-independence can cause problems, it likely helped you survive a traumatic situation if you developed this response. You can acknowledge how this response helped you at the time while working to let go of behavior that no longer serves you.

When you are dealing with a challenge in your life, do you feel that you have control over the outcome, or do you believe that you are at the mercy of outside forces? Your answer to this question refers to your locus of control.

Our locus of control influences our response to events in our lives and our motivation to take action. If you believe that you hold the keys to your fate, you are more likely to change your situation when needed. Conversely, if you think that the outcome is out of your hands, you may be less likely to work toward change.

What Is Locus of Control?

Locus of control is the extent to which you feel you have control over events that impact your life. Put another way, it is “a belief about whether the outcomes of our actions are contingent on what we do (internal control orientation) or on events outside our personal control (external control orientation),” explains psychologist Philip Zimbardo.

In 1954, psychologist Julian Rotter suggested that our behavior was controlled by rewards and punishments. The consequences of our actions helped determine our beliefs about the likely results of future behaviors.

In 1966, Rotter published a scale designed to measure and assess external and internal locus of control. This scale utilizes a forced choice between two alternatives, requiring respondents to choose one of two possibilities for each item.

While the scale has been widely used, it has also been the subject of considerable criticism from those who believe that locus of control cannot be fully understood or measured by such a simplistic scale.

Internal vs. External Locus of Control

If you believe that you have control over what happens, you have what psychologists refer to as an internal locus of control. If you believe that you have no control over what happens and that external variables are to blame, you have what is known as an external locus of control.

It is important to note that locus of control is a continuum. No one has a 100% external or internal locus of control. Instead, most people lie somewhere on the continuum between the two extremes.

These are characteristics of people with a dominant internal or external locus of control.

What Role Does Locus of Control Play in Your Life?

Internal locus of control is often used synonymously with “self-determination” and “personal agency.” Some research suggests that men tend to have a higher internal locus of control than women, while others suggest the opposite: that women have a greater internal locus of control in comparison. Other research reports a shift toward more internal locus of control as people grow older.

Experts have found that, in general, people with an internal locus of control tend to enjoy more positive effects, such as greater emotional stability. However, it is also important to remember that internal locus of control does not always equal “good” and external locus of control does not always equal “bad.” 

In some contexts, having an external locus of control can be a good thing—particularly when a situation poses a threat to self-esteem or is genuinely outside of a person’s control. For example, a person who loses a sports game may feel depressed or anxious if they have a strong internal locus of control.

If this person thinks, “I’m bad at sports and don’t try hard enough,” they might allow the loss to affect their self-image and feel stressed in future games. However, if this person takes an external focus during such situations (“We were unlucky to get matched with such a strong team,” or “The sun was in my eyes!”), they will probably feel more relaxed and less stressed.

Do You Have an External or Internal Locus of Control?

Where does your locus of control fall on the continuum? Read through the statements below and select the set that best describes your outlook on life.

Outlook 1

• I often feel that I have little control over my life and what happens to me.
• People rarely get what they deserve.
• It isn’t worth setting goals or making plans because too many things can happen that are outside of my control.
• Life is a game of chance.
• Individuals have little influence over the events of the world.

If the statements above best reflect your view on life, then you probably tend to have an external locus of control.

Outlook 2

• If you work hard and commit yourself to a goal, you can achieve anything.
• There is no such thing as fate or destiny.
• If you study hard and are well-prepared, you can do well on exams.
•  Luck has little to do with success; it’s mostly a matter of dedication and effort.
• In the long run, people tend to get what they deserve in life.

If the statements above best reflect your outlook on life, then you most likely have an internal locus of control.

Your locus of control can have a major impact on your life, from how you cope with stress to your motivation to take charge of your life. In many cases, having an internal locus of control can be a good thing — it means that you believe that your own actions have an impact.

If you tend to have more of an external locus of control, you might find it helpful to start actively trying to change how you view situations and events. Rather than viewing yourself as simply a passive bystander who is caught up in the flow of life, think about actions you can take that will have an impact on the outcome.

Relationships can be tough, especially if you have a lingering fear that the people you care about the most will leave you. Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming but unwarranted fear that people you love will leave you physically or emotionally.

This type of relationship anxiety can be a paralyzing feeling, and understanding why it happens isn’t always simple. The fear of abandonment is a complex phenomenon that can stem from a variety of developmental experiences, including loss and trauma.

Although it is not an official phobia, the fear of abandonment is arguably one of the most common and damaging fears. People with a fear of abandonment tend to display behaviors and thought patterns that affect their relationships. The result can be serious and devastating—in many cases, maladaptive coping strategies end up causing the very abandonment they dread.

Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment

In relationships, people with a fear of abandonment tend to:

• Attach quickly—even to unavailable partners or relationships
• Fail to commit fully and have had very few long-term relationships
• Move on quickly just to ensure that you don’t get too attached
• Aim to please and engage in people-pleasing behaviors
• Engage in unwanted sex (this is common in women)
• Stay in relationships no matter how unhealthy they are
• Struggle with being hard to please and nitpicky
• Have difficulty experiencing emotional intimacy
• Feel insecure and unworthy of love
• Feel wary and find it hard to trust people
• Are often jealous of everyone you meet
• Experience intense feelings of separation anxiety
• Have feelings of general anxiety and depression
• Tend to overthink things and work hard to figure out hidden meanings
• Are hypersensitive to criticism
• Contain repressed anger and control issues
• Engage in self-blame and criticism frequently

What Causes of Fear of Abandonment?

Many theories surround the disorder’s origins. Generally, psychologists attribute fear of abandonment to experiences, beliefs, and concepts we internalized as children. A child who is denied basic, necessary comforts such as physical affection, emotional connection, and safety learns not to trust the permanence of these in adulthood. Examples of contributory experiences might include:

• Abuse
• Abandonment
• Neglect
• Death of a loved one
• Emotional distance of a parent or caregiver

Anxious Attachment Style

Our earliest relationships with caregivers help establish what we might expect in future relationships. If these early relationships were fraught or marked by inconsistency or neglect, it might lead to the development of an anxious attachment style.

This style is characterized by a fear of abandonment and rejection. People with this style strongly need relationships yet have trouble trusting others.

Mental Health Conditions

Fear of abandonment figures frequently and prominently in several mental health conditions, including borderline personality disorder (BPD) and separation anxiety disorder.

The fear of abandonment is a core symptom of borderline personality disorder, a condition that is often linked to traumatic life events and abandonment during childhood.

Object Constancy

In object relations theory (an offshoot of Freudian analysis), an “object” in one’s mind is a person, a part of a person, or something that somehow symbolizes one or the other. Object constancy is the concept that one’s experience of a person does not fundamentally change when the person is physically absent.

This is related to the idea of object permanence first studied by the developmental psychologist Jean Piaget. Infants learn that physical objects continue to exist even when they are outside the field of vision.

Object constancy generally develops before the age of three. As children grow and mature, the periods of separation lengthen and are often generated by the child—for example, when they go to school or spend the weekend at a friend’s house. A child with good object constancy understands that time apart does not damage important relationships.

For example, children with neglectful parents, parents in the military, or parents who have little time to spend with them are also at risk for interrupted object constancy.

Archetypes and Mythology

Mythology is filled with stories of abandoned or rejected lovers, primarily women who dedicate their entire selves to their partners, only to be left behind when the lovers go off to conquer the world.

Some psychologists, such as Carl Jung, argue that these myths and legends have become part of our collective unconscious. At some primal level, we have internalized certain archetypes and stories, making them part of our shared worldview.

According to Jung, we each have a personal myth that is not shared with others but resides deep within our cores. It comprises our interpretations of the collective unconscious through the filters of our own experiences.

Prior Experiences

By the time we are adults, most of us have been through some significant changes—a death of a loved one, a friend moving away, a relationship ending, a transition from high school to college to marriage and parenthood. Although most of us adapt to changing circumstances, getting stuck somewhere in the grieving process is common.

Impact of Fear of Abandonment

The fear of abandonment doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some people are afraid of losing romantic partners. Others fear abandonment in other relationships, like friendships.

While each person’s experience is unique, a typical relationship involving a person with abandonment issues might go through the following stages:

Getting To Know One Another

At this point, you feel relatively safe. You are not yet emotionally invested in the other person, so you continue to live your life while enjoying time together.

Honeymoon Phase

You choose to commit, willing to overlook possible red or yellow flags because you get along so well. You start spending a great deal of time with the other person and you always enjoy yourself. You start to feel secure.

Real Relationship

Real life intervenes. People get sick, have family problems, work difficult hours, worry about money, and need time to get things done. Although this is a normal, positive step in a relationship, it can terrify someone with a fear of abandonment who mistakenly perceives that you’re pulling away.

The Slight

A seeming slight occurs—an unanswered text message, an unreturned phone call, or a request for a few days of alone time.

Their Reaction

What happens next is almost entirely determined by your fear of abandonment, its severity, and the preferred coping style. To you, this looks like your partner no longer loves you. In reality, your partner didn’t return your text because they were driving, busy, etc.

Some people handle this by becoming clingy and demanding, insisting that their partner prove their love by jumping through hoops. Others run away, rejecting their partners before they are rejected. Still others feel that the slight is their fault and attempt to transform themselves into the “perfect partner” to prevent a breakup.

Your Partner’s Reaction

Your sudden personality shift seems to come from out of left field. Your partner probably has no idea why their previously confident, laid-back partner is suddenly acting clingy and demanding, smothering them with attention, or pulling away altogether.

As with other phobias, no one can simply talk someone out of their fear of abandonment. No matter how many times they are reassured, it will not be enough. Eventually, their behavior patterns and inconsolable reactions could drive others away, leading to the very conclusion the person feared most.

Treatments for Fear of Abandonment

Several types of therapy are available to help manage and reduce abandonment issues:

Coping With a Fear of Abandonment

If your fear is mild and well-controlled, you may be able to handle it simply by becoming educated about your tendencies and learning new behavior strategies. For most people, though, the fear of abandonment is rooted in deep-seated issues that can be really difficult to unravel on your own.

Cultivate a Sense of Belonging

Although treating the fear itself is critical, building a feeling of belonging is also essential. Rather than focusing all your energy and devotion on a single partner, focus on building a community. No one person can solve all of our problems or meet all of our needs. However, a solid group of several close friends can each play an important role in our lives.

Many people with a fear of abandonment state that they never felt like they had a “tribe” or a “pack” when they were growing up. For whatever reasons, they always felt “other” or disconnected from those around them. But the good news is that it’s never too late.

Find Like-Minded People

Whatever your current stage of life, it is important to surround yourself with other like-minded individuals. Make a list of your current hobbies, passions, and dreams. Then find others who share your interests.

While it is true that not everyone who shares an interest will become a close friend, hobbies and dreams are an excellent stepping stone toward building a solid support network. Working on your passions also helps build self-confidence and the belief that you are strong enough to cope with whatever life throws your way.

Practice Self-Compassion

It’s also important to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Negative thought patterns can undermine your confidence and increase your fear of abandonment. For example, you might think you’re not loveable or don’t deserve loyalty and commitment. Changing these thoughts to be more realistic and positive can help you better cope with a fear of abandonment.

Post infidelity stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder you may experience after finding out a loved one has been unfaithful to you.

Being cheated on by a loved one can be emotionally devastating. It can traumatize you and make it difficult for you to function. So much so that the experience can be similar to having post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, who specializes in issues related to relationships.

If you have been cheated on by a loved one and are having a difficult time coping with it, you’re not alone. A 2021 study estimates that anywhere between 30% to 60% of people who have been cheated on experience symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD after discovering their partner’s infidelity. This has come to be known as post infidelity stress disorder (PISD).

In this article, we explore the symptoms and causes of post infidelity stress disorder, as well as some treatment options and coping strategies that may be helpful if you or a loved one are facing this experience.

Symptoms of Post Infidelity Stress Disorder

These are some of the symptoms of post infidelity stress disorder, according to Dr. Romanoff:

• Rumination: You may perseverate over your partner’s infidelity and have recurring thoughts about it.
• Trauma recall: You may have painful memories, flashbacks, or nightmares that cause you to relive the traumatic experience.
• Numbness: While some people are filled with anger and hurt upon discovering their partner’s betrayal, other people go numb and feel emotionless.
• Avoidance: You might try to pretend the whole thing never happened and avoid any reminders of your partner or the relationship.
• Anxiety: You might experience symptoms of anxiety such as chronic and persistent worry.
• Depression: You might experience symptoms of depression such as a persistent feeling of sadness or emptiness and frequent bouts of crying.
• Isolation and withdrawal: You might find yourself withdrawing from friends and family and preferring to be by yourself. You may no longer find enjoyment in activities that once brought you pleasure. 
• Insomnia: You may develop insomnia and have inconsistent sleep patterns. As a result, you may struggle to focus, and your work performance, social and family relationships, and overall functioning may be affected.
• Trust issues: You may have trouble trusting any future partners you are with. For example, you might get distressed upon noticing that your partner has received a text message, because it may bring up traumatic memories for you.
• Hypervigilance: You may start to look for danger or threat in benign events in subsequent relationships, as a way to protect yourself from future trauma. You may perceive all communication or contact your partner has outside the relationship as potentially fraudulent. This can cause you to have a negative view of your partner and the people they interact with.
• Relationship difficulties: Lack of trust can make it difficult for you to sustain future relationships, as it can cause you to mistrust your partners and pick unnecessary fights with them.

Predisposing Factors

While post infidelity stress disorder could affect anyone, Dr. Romanoff says some people may be predisposed to it, including:

• People who have experienced trauma or abuse in the past
• People who have issues around trust and are hypervigilant in relationships
• People who have a fragile sense of self-esteem and tend to have dependant personalities
• People who hold negative views of the world, themselves, and others 
• People who struggle with codependency

Diagnosing Post Infidelity Stress Disorder

“Post infidelity stress disorder is not an official diagnosis and it is not used in an official capacity. However, the term can sometimes help healthcare providers maintain a shared nomenclature or terminology so the set of symptoms can be more easily communicated and understood,” says Dr. Romanoff.

If a patient is extremely distressed in the wake of a traumatic incident of infidelity by a loved one, they may be diagnosed with anxiety, depression, or PTSD, depending on their symptoms.

Treating Post Infidelity Stress Disorder

Below, Dr. Romanoff outlines some of the treatment options for post infidelity stress disorder.

Cognitive Restructuring

Cognitive restructuring involves exploring the person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—which tend to become rigid, fixed, and at times, irrational—and replacing them with more adaptive ones.

Cognitive restructuring techniques can help address the person’s narrative of the infidelity and expose them to it in a graded manner so it doesn’t feel so powerful and intolerable. When using exposure techniques, the person who felt betrayed will begin to consciously focus on the details of the infidelity instead of avoiding them to begin the healing process.

Trauma-Informed Care

It is also helpful to approach post infidelity stress disorder through the lens of trauma-informed care by working to improve the person’s self-confidence and explore the impact of betrayal on how they might hold negative views of the world, themselves, and others.

Therapy can also explore what happened in the relationship before the trauma to understand precipitating factors, causes, and ways for both parties to move forward.

Family Therapy

It can sometimes be helpful for the person and their family to undertake family therapy together, to process and deal with the infidelity and its consequences on the various members of the family.

Medication

If the person has severe symptoms, their healthcare provider may prescribe some of the following medications in addition to therapy:

• Antidepressants
• Anti-anxiety medications
• Anticonvulsants

Coping With Post Infidelity Stress Disorder

Dr. Romanoff suggests some coping strategies that may be helpful if you are experiencing post infidelity stress disorder:

Practice Self-Care

A good first step is to practice self-care. This could look like eating healthy food, minimizing social media time, or sleeping or engaging in activities like taking a group fitness class, going for a walk or run, or spending time with family and friends. 

Feel Your Feelings With Support

Take time to journal, visit a therapist, or speak with friends or family in order to identify, feel, and work through your emotions and reactions to the betrayal. Fully experiencing your reactions to the situation is the first step toward accepting it and moving forward from it.

Schedule Worry Time

It may be helpful to schedule worry time so that thinking about your partner’s infidelity doesn’t take over your entire day. You can schedule a specific duration of time where you focus on your emotions, have a structured time to ruminate or process the situation, and recalibrate. When this time is complete, you can honor your internal boundary to tend to other things that are in need of your time, focus, and attention.

Don’t Blame Yourself

Do not assume blame for the infidelity. You cannot control another person and are not responsible for their choices and actions. It may be tempting to assume responsibility for the affair as it may give you a sense of control, but ultimately each person is responsible for themselves. At some point it may be helpful to reflect on the dynamic of the relationship and how you showed up in it for yourself and another, but from a constructive and self-aware, not shaming or blaming perspective.

Seek Social Support

Tap into your social support network. Reach out to friends, family, co-workers, and your therapist to provide you with a sense of stability and security. You can also consider joining a support group like Infidelity Survivors Anonymous to connect with others who may be going through a similar experience.

Find a Healthy Balance

It’s important to schedule a balance of social (seeing friends and family), physical (getting some exercise), and personal time (getting enough sleep, meditating, cooking, or doing other relaxing activities). You don’t want to busy yourself to the point of exhaustion.

Work on Building Trust

When you’re ready, practice rebuilding trust with yourself and others. Begin internally and practice listening to, hearing, and trusting your feelings and intuition about people and situations. Then, shift your focus to opening up and repairing, developing, or deepening trusting others.

Start with yourself and work on trusting your feelings and intuition about people and situations. Then, shift your focus to opening up and trusting others. You must remember that your partner’s poor judgment is not a reflection on you in any way.