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Self-awareness is your ability to perceive and understand the things that make you who you are as an individual, including your personality, actions, values, beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. Essentially, it is a psychological state in which the self becomes the focus of attention.

While self-awareness is central to your identity, it is not something you are acutely focused on at every moment of every day. Instead, self-awareness becomes woven into the fabric of who you are and emerges at different points depending on the situation and your personality.​

How Does Self-Awareness Develop?

Self-awareness is one of the first components of the self-concept to emerge. People are not born completely self-aware. Yet evidence suggests that infants do have a rudimentary sense of self-awareness.

Infants are aware that they are separate from others, as evidenced by behaviors such as the rooting reflex, in which an infant searches for a nipple when something brushes against their face. Researchers have also found that even newborns can differentiate between self- and non-self touch.

Studies have demonstrated that a more complex sense of self-awareness emerges around one year of age and becomes much more developed by approximately 18 months of age.

Self-Awareness and the Mirror Recognition Task

One way that research can measure self-awareness is by using what is known as a mirror self-recognition task. In a classic conducted by researchers Lewis and Brooks-Gunn, the researchers utilized this task to examine how self-awareness develops.

The researchers applied a red dot to an infant’s nose and held the child to a mirror. Children who recognized themselves in the mirror would reach for their own noses rather than the reflection in the mirror, which indicated that they had at least some level of self-awareness.

Lewis and Brooks-Gunn found that almost no children under one year would reach for their own noses rather than the reflection in the mirror.

It is important to note that the Lewis and Brooks-Gunn study only indicates an infant’s visual self-awareness; children might actually possess other forms of self-awareness even at this early point in life. For example, researchers have also suggested that expressing emotions involves self-awareness and an ability to think about oneself in relation to other people.

Self-Awareness and the Brain

Researchers have proposed that an area of the brain known as the anterior cingulate cortex located in the frontal lobe region plays an important role in developing self-awareness. Studies have also used brain imaging to show that this region becomes activated in adults who are self-aware.

The Lewis and Brooks-Gunn experiment suggests that self-awareness begins to emerge in children around the age of 18 months, an age that coincides with the rapid growth of spindle cells in the anterior cingulate cortex.

However, one study found that a patient retained self-awareness even with extensive damage to areas of the brain including the insula and the anterior cingulate cortex.

Levels of Self-Awareness

So how exactly do children become aware of themselves as separate beings? One major theory of self-awareness, introduced by developmental psychologist Philippe Rochat, suggests that there are five levels of self-awareness. Children progress through these stages between birth and approximately age 4 or 5:

• Differentiation: A baby begins to acknowledge their own reflection. They may detect there is something different or special about looking at their reflection.
• Situation: A baby begins to recognize their own reflection, being, and movements as separate from those around them.
• Identification: This is the stage during which a child fully knows that it is their own reflection in a mirror. They know, “This is me.”
• Permanence: They have a complete sense of themselves and can identify themselves in pictures or videos, even as their appearance changes.
• Self-consciousness: A child adapts a third-person point of view of themselves; they become aware of the idea that others perceive them in certain ways. This may result in feelings such as pride or shame.

Types of Self-Awareness

Self-awareness also takes different forms that can emerge in different situations and settings. Psychologists often break self-awareness down into two different types, either public or private.

Public Self-Awareness

This type emerges when people are aware of how they appear to others. Public self-awareness typically emerges in situations when people are at the center of attention.

This type of self-awareness often compels people to adhere to social norms. When we are aware that we are being watched and evaluated, we often try to behave in socially acceptable and desirable ways.

Public self-awareness can also lead to evaluation anxiety in which people become distressed, anxious, or worried about how they are perceived by others. Performance anxiety and social anxiety are two examples of how public self-awareness can sometimes lead to worry and distress about how other evaluate us.

Private Self-Awareness

This type happens when people become aware of some aspects of themselves, but only in a private way. For example, seeing your face in the mirror is a type of private self-awareness.

Certain strategies can help you build a greater sense of private self-awareness. For example, journaling, meditating, and practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your inner thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

Why Is Self-Awareness Important?

Self-awareness is important because it allows you to reflect on aspects of yourself. As you understand your abilities and tendencies, your self-awareness also allows you to think about how you interact with others and the world around you.

Self-aware people are able to manage their behaviors and adapt to situations. They can accurately evaluate what the situation requires and then modify their actions accordingly.

This can be vital in many areas of life, including your relationships and work. It can also factor in when it comes to personal development. As you become more aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you can take steps to capitalize on the things you are good at and explore ways to improve the areas where you might struggle.

How to Improve Your Self-Awareness

So how do you grow self-awareness? There are many ways you can practice being present with yourself and your emotions, which, in turn, can help improve your self-awareness.

Meditation

Meditation can be an especially useful practice because you don’t have to worry about changing anything—simply noticing what happens during a meditation can bring greater awareness of your thoughts and feelings.

Maybe you notice that you hold tension in your body by clenching your jaw, for instance, or that you tend to worry so much about the future that it’s hard to be in the present moment. This is all valuable information that can help you get to know yourself and your tendencies.

Journaling

Journaling is a practice of self-reflection that can help you notice how you think and behave and even which areas in your life you may wish to improve. It can be a therapeutic way to gain insight into your life events and relationships.

Talk Therapy

During therapy—such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—a therapist works with you to address negative thought patterns or behaviors.

By understanding the underlying cause of your negative thoughts, for instance, you’re in a more advantageous position to change them and use healthy coping mechanisms instead.

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

Self-awareness and emotional intelligence (EQ) go hand in hand. EQ refers to a person’s ability to perceive their own emotions and those of others. Someone with a high EQ can effectively respond to emotions with empathy and compassion.

Of course, no one is perfect, and EQ is a skill like any other. But by learning to express your emotions in a healthy way and practicing active listening in your relationships, you’re contributing to the expansion of your self-awareness as well.

Try Our EQ Test

Our fast and free EQ test can help you determine whether or not your responses to certain situations in life indicate a high level of emotional intelligence:

This EQ test was reviewed by Steven Gans, MD.

When Self-Awareness Leads to Self-Consciousness

Sometimes, people can become overly self-aware and veer into what is known as self-consciousness. Have you ever felt like everyone was watching you, judging your actions, and waiting to see what you will do next? This heightened state of self-awareness can leave you feeling awkward and nervous in some instances.

In many cases, these feelings of self-consciousness are only temporary and arise when we are “in the spotlight.” For some people, however, excessive self-consciousness can reflect a chronic condition such as social anxiety disorder.

If you struggle with self-consciousness, discuss your symptoms with a doctor or mental health professional to learn more about what you can do to cope with these feelings.

If you and your boo have been seeing each other for some time and things are going well, the thought of moving in together may start to cross your mind. 

Living together is a pretty big step, so whether it’s your first time or you’ve lived with a partner before, you probably want to make sure you’re ready to take that leap.

Sure Signs That You’re Ready to Move in Together

Dr. Romanoff lists some signs that you’re ready to move in with your partner, as well as some indications that you’re not quite there yet (and there’s nothing wrong with that!).

You’re Basically Living Together Already

If you feel as if you’re basically living with your partner already, it could be a sign that you’re ready to move in together. For instance, you might spend five or six nights a week together and find that this arrangement works seamlessly for you both.

You’re Ready to Deepen Your Commitment

Another sign is that you want to make a greater commitment to your partner. The prospect of waking up next to them every day excites you rather than inspiring feelings of terror. 

You’re Both on the Same Page

You and your partner want the same things and are clear about where the relationship is headed.

Otherwise, having different expectations and timelines can lead to a lot of friction and disappointment.

You’ve Discussed Finances 

Moving in with a partner is different than living with a roommate, as the financial structure of the relationship is not as clear and concise. There are many more grey areas, and that speaks to the need for a thorough conversation about finances. 

Feeling stable in your financial situation with your partner, having open discussions about money, and navigating fiscal planning together indicates that you’re not only ready to move in together but that you’re equipped to manage most of the hardships couples struggle with in the early stages of cohabitation.

You’re Not Moving in to Solve a Problem

People who move in together to solve a problem tend to struggle because moving in will only be a short-term solution to a problem that will exist deeper into the relationship. 

You should move in together when you feel that this step is symbolic of becoming more committed to each other, while also holding the understanding that you are each two separate beings who can maintain a level of independence from each other.

Tips to Help You Adapt to Living Together

Below, Dr. Romanoff shares some tips that can help you adapt to living with your partner. 

Check in With Each Other Regularly

The early stages of moving in are important because you’re learning about each other and navigating this new experience together. 

This fosters a sense of consideration and acknowledgment of the things you appreciate about each other and what could be done to improve the relationship.

Keep Communication Lines Open

Overcommunicate about everything. If something bugs you about your partner, be proactive in creating solutions and communicating what doesn’t work for you. 

Communicating your needs and priorities upfront will save you a great deal of time and stress down the line, before problematic behaviors become entrenched patterns. 

Maintain Your Independence

It’s essential for each of you to maintain your own distinct worlds and then come back together to invigorate and strengthen the relationship. If either of you does not make efforts to do this, you can easily become codependent and resentful of each other. This can take a toll on your mental health and your relationship.

What to Do If It Doesn’t Work Out

If the living situation is not working, Dr. Romanoff recommends asking for what you need instead of staying silent. She says even if you and your partner were secure and in-sync before the move, this is a significant transition and will require a great deal of flexibility, self-reflection, and compromise on each partner’s part.

Are you in a situation where you’re seeing someone but it’s not exactly a relationship? You and your partner have fun as a couple and may even be intimate, but you haven’t committed to each other or discussed a future together.

If so, you may be in a “situationship” or relationship without a commitment, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. Learn what a situationship is, its pros and cons, and some next steps you can take if you find yourself in one.

What Is a Situationship?

Situationships can be defined as “romantic relationships with no clarity or label.” They might include affection, sexual behaviors, and spending time together but also involve low levels of commitment.

Put simply, a situationship is essentially a relationship without any commitment, says Dr. Romanoff. She adds that this type of arrangement allows individuals to experience the benefits of being in a relationship and being single simultaneously.

But a situationship can also leave you unsure what to say when someone asks whether you’re seeing someone. “It’s complicated” may be the only response that seems appropriate.

Characteristics of a Situationship

How do you know whether your relationship could be defined as a situationship? Here are a few characteristics to look for:

• The relationship is undefined. You and your partner may not have had the “What are we?” conversation to define the relationship, set expectations, and outline boundaries. It may feel too early to have the conversation, or you may not feel comfortable bringing it up.
• There’s no consistency. A lack of consistency is a major sign that you’re in a situationship according to Dr. Romanoff. It can be hard to know what to expect from your partner—for instance, you may not know when you’ll see them next, how long they’ll take to respond to a text, or whether they’ll make the effort to reach out. 
• There’s no mention of the future. People in a relationship often plan for the future in some capacity, whether it’s going to an event a few months down the road or longer-term plans to settle down and have a family. In a situationship, there’s typically no discussion of the future.
• The connection is superficial. Though you and your partner may spend time together or even be intimate with each other, you may not have developed a deep emotional connection. The conversation may be superficial and you may notice that they never ask you personal questions, says Dr. Romanoff.
• The relationship is based on convenience. You and your partner may not prioritize each other or go out of your way to see each other. Instead, you tend to make spur-of-the-moment plans based on convenience, if you have a gap in your schedule, or if something else doesn’t work out, for instance.
• The relationship is not exclusive. In a situationship, you and your partner may not have discussed being exclusive and one or both of you may be seeing other people.
• There isn’t much follow-up. You and your partner may be in “relationship mode” in person but switch back to “casual mode” when apart, says Dr. Romanoff. You may also notice that they don’t take a lot of initiative or follow up with you on conversations or plans.

Pros and Cons of a Situationship

There are both pros and cons of a situationship says Dr. Romanoff. Here are several of each to consider.

Advantages of a Situationship

The biggest advantage of a situationship is that there is less responsibility. Relationships can consume a significant amount of emotional energy. Situationships, on the other hand, don’t require a huge emotional investment.

People who tend to gravitate towards situationships are those who want emotional connection and intimacy with a partner in a compartmentalized way. This type of relationship allows them to have an emotional presence and connection in person, but when apart, they can have their freedom.

A situationship also offers a fun, stress-free way to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without a major emotional commitment. That is, as long as both partners are on the same page.

Disadvantages of a Situationship

A major disadvantage of a situationship is that each partner may have different expectations for the relationship. Even though both partners might agree on the dynamics when they enter the situationship, one person might grow to want more than the other is willing to give.

It can also be stressful to be in a relationship without stability or consistency. This is particularly true if you start to develop expectations of your partner, but they have not committed to meeting those expectations. 

Relationship status can also contribute to your identity and play a role in social dynamics. So, there may be times when not having a committed partner can make you feel deficient.

Mental Health Impact of Being in a Situationship

In a situationship, neither party may be honest about what they want out of the arrangement. In some cases, one person might be content with the casual relationship type of set-up, while the other is hoping that it turns into something more. 

Additionally, because situationships tend to be superficial, the partner wanting more usually does not know the other person well. This causes them to idealize their partner and, in turn, devalue themselves. 

People who repeatedly find themselves in these types of relationships tend to struggle with self-worth and find themselves attracted to partners who make them feel they must earn love. This can lead to an unhealthy dynamic.

What to Do If You’re in a Situationship

If you’re in a situationship, Dr. Romanoff shares some advice that could be helpful: 

• Be honest about your feelings: It’s important to be honest with yourself and to be clear about your intentions for the relationship.
• Ask for what you want: If you’re interested in a more serious relationship, consider stating how you feel about the person and asking for what you want. Either they feel the same and want to pursue a more serious relationship with you, or they don’t and you can move on and find someone who does value you. It’s always better to have an answer because it enables you to move forward.
• Avoid the passive approach: If you do want something more from the other person than a casual relationship, taking a passive approach may be more harmful than you realize. Spending time without making your intentions or needs known perpetuates the illusion that you could still have a chance but, in reality, it does little to actually change your situation.
• Communicate your position: If you are in a situationship and genuinely content with it, it is important to communicate that effectively to your partner. Communicate your needs, boundaries, and expectations from the beginning to prevent hurt feelings in the future. 

We know that breakups can be devastating, no matter how they play out. One minute you’re strolling through the park hand in hand, picturing your future together. Next thing you know, you’re left alone with visions of your future plans crumbling around you.

Going through a breakup can be as painful as grieving the death of a loved one because we’re essentially losing one of the most important relationships in our lives, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

The grieving process can feel like an emotional roller coaster, where you’re riding waves of anger, sadness, confusion, loneliness, anxiety, guilt, and regret, interwoven with moments of relief, hope, and acceptance. Sometimes you go through these stages one by one, other times you repeat them or bounce back and forth between different emotional states so fast that it gives you whiplash.

When it comes to breakups, you can experience anger, resentment, and loss all in the same breath, says Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and developer of “Your Happiness Hypothesis.”

But at the end of this road, there is acceptance and growth, so hang in there!

Stage 1: Ambivalence

A million thoughts and feelings run through your head immediately after a breakup. At this stage, your heart and head play tug of war with your emotions, pulling you in different directions.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Wondering if you did the right thing: Sometimes, you’re convinced that breaking up was the best thing to do. Other times, you find yourself wondering if maybe, just maybe, you could’ve made it work.
• Playing out all the scenarios: Your mind keeps playing out all the different “what-if” scenarios: “What if I had said this? What if they had done that? Would we still be together then?”
• Getting emotional whiplash: One moment you’re feeling empowered, imagining your future without them, and the next, you’re drowning in a sea of nostalgia, going through old photos and texts, desperately trying to hold onto something that’s slipping away.
• Experiencing mixed emotions: Your emotions are all over the place. You’re relieved that the fights are over, but you don’t want to be single again. You’re angry at your ex about the way they treated you, but you also miss them.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with mixed feelings:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Remember that it’s OK to have conflicting feelings. Acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself to feel your feelings fully as they arise so they can be felt, expressed, and moved through you.
• Be honest with yourself: Take the time to understand your needs, desires, and priorities. Reflect on what you want in a relationship and whether the ambivalence you’re feeling is because you genuinely want to be with the person or because you’re afraid of change. “Don’t lie to yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and define your truth,” says Silva.
• Make a pro and con list: It may be helpful to make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship. This can help you objectively figure out whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do.
• Consider a grief ritual. Rituals can help you regain a sense of stability and work through your emotions. They can be powerful and symbolic ways to help you in the process of healing and letting go. It may help to write a letter to your ex of all the things you want to express and then burn it, intentionally dispose or give away physical reminders of the relationship, or clean and update your environment in a way that brings you feelings of peace and hope.

Stage 2: Denial and Shock

Shock tends to set in soon after a breakup. At this stage, we’re in denial about the breakup and our emotions. “Denial is a protective mechanism that absorbs the pain as we slowly deal with a shifting reality,” says de Llano. 

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Refusing to accept reality: You’re probably thinking that this can’t be happening. You’re hoping that things get better and go back to the way they were. According to de Llano, common thoughts at this stage are: “We’ve been through this before, we can fix it,” or “They’ll come around and we’ll get back together.” 
• Avoiding painful emotions: Denial serves as a protective shield against the intense emotions that come with a breakup. Instead of facing the pain head-on, you bury your emotions and distract yourself with work or other responsibilities, to avoid thinking about it.
• Forgetting it happened: You keep forgetting that you’re not together anymore. You may find yourself reaching for them in your sleep or expecting to see them when you walk through the door.
• Staying in touch with your ex: You may continue to text and call your ex as though you’re still together, consulting them about your life as though nothing has changed, says de Llano.
• Not sharing the news: You may not have told your friends and family members about the breakup yet, because you’re not ready to face it and a small part of you is still hoping that maybe you’ll get back together.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with shock and denial:

• Allow yourself to feel: Stop hiding from your emotions and busying yourself with other tasks to distract yourself. Allow yourself to feel all the feels, no matter how painful they are in the moment.
• Share the news with loved ones: De Llano recommends sharing the news with your loved ones and telling them how you feel, so you can begin to process the situation.
• Adjust to your new reality: Forgetting that you’ve broken up, only to be reminded of it again and again can be painful. Allow yourself to grieve when you find yourself forgetting that things in your life are not the same anymore, says de Llano. Slowly, you will start to adjust to your new reality.
• Avoid contact with your ex: Follow the no contact rule and avoid calling and texting your ex. Stalking them on social media is off limits too, says Silva. “This habit only slows your progress because it occupies your brain with thoughts of their activities and whereabouts.” Research shows that staying in touch with your ex makes it harder to move on.

Stage 3: Anger and Resentment

In the wake of a breakup, you may feel intense anger and resentment toward your ex.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Feeling hurt: You may feel hurt at your ex’s actions. This hurt can manifest in the form of anger, says de Llano. She explains that you may find yourself thinking: “How dare they ignore me/hurt me/leave me?”
• Picking fights: Your anger may prompt you to act out in reactive ways, such as sending hurtful messages, saying things you don’t mean, and picking fights with your ex even after the breakup, says de Llano.
• Playing the blame game: You may look for a target to direct your anger toward. You may blame your ex, yourself, or other factors for the breakup.
• Replaying past offenses: A reel of your ex partner’s offenses may play in your head on a loop. Every little thing they did to offend you over the course of your relationship can pile up and intensify your anger.
• Sending them bad vibes: You may hope and pray that misery befalls your ex, so that they can’t be happy without you.
• Destroying memories: Your anger may manifest in physical ways, prompting you to discard or destroy items that remind you of them.
• Becoming bitter: Your anger can color your view of life, making you feel bitter, cynical, and resentful toward others.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with anger and resentment:

• Sit with it: De Llano explains that it’s natural to feel angry in these circumstances. She recommends sitting with your anger, even though it’s uncomfortable, so that it can rise and fade away on its own.
• Channel your anger: It’s important to channel your anger toward healthy outlets such as exercise, art, or music, says de Llano. 
• Set healthy boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your ex-partner to avoid any situations that may trigger your anger or resentment.
• Avoid badmouthing your ex: Avoid badmouthing your ex’s negative traits and character flaws to others as it reflects poorly on you, says Silva. She recommends using your conversations with others to focus on rebuilding yourself and not diminishing your ex.
• Seek professional help: If your anger and resentment are overwhelming, consider seeking therapy. A mental health professional can provide guidance and support as you deal with your anger.
• Forgive: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning everything that happened. Rather, it’s about releasing the hold that the resentment has on you. This process can take time and it may involve forgiving yourself as well.

Stage 4: Bargaining and Negotiation

The bargaining stage is where we negotiate with ourselves and our partners ways in which we can change ourselves or our situation in order to regain the relationship, de Llano explains. “It’s a grief response that helps us cope with the pain of a breakup.”

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Wishing for another chance: You might find yourself wishing for a second chance, thinking: “If only I had one more chance, things could be different.”
• Promising change: You may promise your ex that you’ll change, in the hopes of getting them back. For instance, de Llano says some common promises are: “I’ll change,” “I promise things will be different this time,” or “I’ll do what you asked me to do.”
• Seeking compromises: You may try to compromise with your ex, by agreeing to attend couples therapy for example.
• Negotiating relationship terms: You may try to renegotiate relationship terms with your ex to keep them in your life, proposing friendship, friends with benefits, an open relationship, or other alternatives instead of a complete separation.
• Compromising personal values: You may compromise on your personal values, boundaries, or lifestyle choices to try and make things work with your ex-partner.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope:

• Avoid reminiscing about the relationship: Although it may be difficult, try not to reminisce about the relationship because when you do that, you’re only extracting the moments of the relationship you want to remember, says Silva. “When you start to think that they should be back in your life, avoid reminiscing and weigh out the reasons that you’re no longer together.”
• Don’t idealize the person: Once you’ve broken up with someone, it’s easy to over-idealize the person, says Silva. It’s important to remember both the good and the bad.
• Don’t compromise your values: Don’t compromise the values that are important to you. Remember that you can have a fulfilling relationship on your own terms with someone who shares your values.

Stage 5: Depression and Sadness

Breakups can be painful and even lead to depression.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Overwhelming sadness: You may feel sad and low all the time, which can make it difficult to function. Even things you once enjoyed may not seem exciting anymore.
• Crying spells: You may find yourself crying frequently, triggered by memories or reminders of your relationship.
• Hopelessness: You may experience a sense of hopelessness about the future. According to de Llano, some common thoughts at this stage include: “I’ll never love again,” “I’ll be single forever,” “I’ll never be loved in the same way,” “I feel lonely,” “I can’t handle this all alone,” “I don’t know if I can go on,” or “This feels hopeless.”
• Social withdrawal: You may find yourself isolating yourself from friends and family, as socializing can feel emotionally exhausting.
• Physiological changes: You may also experience changes in appetite and sleep patterns.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with depression and sadness:

• Let yourself grieve: Understand that it’s normal to grieve after a breakup. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship. “Be patient with yourself and the process,” says de Llano. Avoid putting pressure on yourself to “just get over it.”
• Redirect negative thoughts: Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and balanced perspectives. For example, if you tend to think “I’ll be single and alone forever,” reframe the thought to “I’m single and this is a great opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. I have the chance to build a fulfilling life on my terms.”
• Create a self-care routine: Take care of your mental and physical health, making sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and nutrition. Do things that make you feel happy and relaxed.
• Reach out to loved ones: Lean on your closest friends and family members for comfort. “​Keep yourself surrounded by those that help you feel most supported,” says de Llano.
• Focus on the present moment: Practice mindfulness to stay present and avoid being overwhelmed by thoughts of the past or future. Meditation and journaling can help with this, says de Llano.
• Seek professional support: “In this state, it is particularly recommended that you seek the help of a professional mental health clinician who can help you navigate the loss and process the feelings of sadness,” says de Llano.

Stage 6: Acceptance and Healing

You will heal over time and eventually be able to accept the loss. 

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Embracing the new normal: You’re able to recognize that the relationship has ended and accept the new normal.
• Feeling more stable: Your emotions are more stable and you’re less likely to experience sadness, anger, or regret.
• Getting closure: You’re finally able to understand and accept the reasons for the breakup. This understanding gives you closure and helps you grow as a person.
• Letting go: You’re able to forgive yourself and your ex, letting go of your anger and resentment.
• Being open to moving on: The idea of moving on may have been unimaginable when you first broke up, but now you feel more ready for it. According to de Llano, common thoughts at this stage include: “That was a time in my life that has run its course. It’s over now,” or “I’m moving on. They are moving on and I’m fine with it.”

Healing Strategies

These are some strategies that can help promote healing:

• Reframe the narrative: Shift the narrative of the breakup from loss to an opportunity to learn and grow. 
• Recognize your strength: Recognize the strength and resilience within you that has helped you overcome this difficult time.
• Be grateful for the relationship: Be grateful for the positive parts of the relationship—all the memories, experiences, and lessons you took away from it.

Stage 7: Growth and Moving On

Eventually, you will reach a frame of mind where you’re ready to move on and grow as a person.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Regaining self-esteem: You may start to regain your self-esteem, feeling more confident and sure of yourself.
• Reconnecting with your social life: You may start to reconnect with your friends and start engaging in more social activities.
• Being open to new relationships: You may feel ready to start dating again and be open to the idea of a new relationship.

Growth Strategies

These are some strategies that can help promote growth:

• Read: De Llano recommends reading about relationships and personal growth, to help you process your emotions, broaden your horizons, and grow.
• Connect with others: Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives, says Silva.
• Explore new interests: Start exploring new interests. You will undoubtedly learn new things about yourself in the process.
• Travel: Visiting new places can help reset your frame of mind.

Keep in Mind

A breakup can be quite an emotional journey. Although the process can be painful, each stage is a stepping stone toward a stronger, wiser version of ourselves.

If you’ve recently been through a bad breakup, hang in there and remember that things will get better. It will take time, but one day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much. Focus on practicing self-compassion and taking care of yourself in the meantime. You’ve got this!

Emotional numbness is a state of being in which you are not feeling or expressing emotions.

“Emotional numbing is the mental and emotional process of shutting out feelings and may be experienced as deficits of emotional responses or reactivity,” explains Mayra Mendez, PhD, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and program coordinator at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center.

Quite often, feeling numb is temporary. However, for some, emotional numbness becomes a strategy to protect themselves from further emotional or physical pain. While it may provide temporary relief, learning to cope with difficult feelings this way can have long-lasting consequences. 

Symptoms of Emotional Numbness

The symptoms of emotional numbness include:

• Experiencing an inability to fully participate in life
• Failing to access your feelings
• Feeling distant or detached from others
• Feeling flat, both physically and emotionally
• Having difficulty with experiencing positive feelings such as happiness
• Losing interest in activities you used to enjoy
• Preferring isolation rather than being with others

People with emotional numbness might use strategies to resist confronting their emotions. Even if they’re doing it unconsciously, they might use avoidant behaviors and steer clear of certain people or situations. They might be in denial, which is a common defense mechanism people use to avoid emotional triggers and negative feelings.

Causes of Emotional Numbness

Feeling emotionally numb can happen as a result of physical or emotional pain. In an attempt to protect yourself from being hurt again, it’s not uncommon to disconnect, detach, or numb out feelings related to the situation.

When this happens, you may feel temporary relief that allows you to move on. Over time, though, this protective shield can begin to get in the way of connecting with others and getting in touch with feelings that are both positive and negative.

There are a variety of reasons you might feel numb.

Anxiety

People diagnosed with anxiety disorders may experience emotional numbness as a response to extremely high stress levels, fear, or excessive worry. High levels of anxiety are linked with the avoidance of both positive and negative emotions.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

People with BPD may experience periods of emotional detachment or numbness. It may feel as though their feelings are not their own.

Grief

When coping with death, a person may go through a period where they feel completely disconnected from their emotions.

Depression

Dr. Mendez points out that people going through depressive episodes may be less attuned to their feelings, or experience a dulling of emotions. “Higher levels of depression and mood dysregulation result in a greater propensity for emotional numbing,” she adds.

Emotional Dysregulation

Numbness can be a part of emotional dysregulation and is often referred to as a form of dissociation, depersonalization, or derealization, which can occur with stress, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, and other conditions.

Medications

Feeling emotionally numb can be a side effect of some medications that treat depression and anxiety. If you’re taking an antidepressant and feeling emotionally numb, it’s essential to work closely with your doctor. They may choose to adjust your dosage or change the medication altogether.

Mental or Emotional Abuse

Studies show that people who were emotionally abused as children are more likely to experience emotional dysregulation, including emotional numbing, as adults.

Overwhelming Stress

Emotional numbness can result from high levels of stress. If you’re feeling burnt out, emotionally or physically exhausted, or overwhelmed, you might feel detached from your feelings.

Physical Abuse

People who are physically abused may feel emotionally numb. Feeling numb can be a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with a dangerous and frightening situation.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Some people will turn to emotional numbing as a way to manage emotional and physical pain. For people with PTSD, this can manifest as avoiding thoughts, feelings, or conversations relating to a traumatic event.

Schizophrenia

People with schizophrenia may go through periods of time where they feel complete apathy or disinterest as well as emotional numbness or blunting.

Substance Misuse

People who misuse substances like marijuana or cocaine can alter the brain’s reward system, making it harder to feel pleasure without the drug. Substance use can produce a detachment from one’s emotions and an overall lack of motivation and interest.

“While emotional numbing blocks or shuts down negative feelings and experiences,” Dr. Mendez says, “it also shuts down the ability to experience pleasure, positive interactions and social activities, and intimacy.”

Treatment for Emotional Numbness

There are a variety of treatment options available that can help you reduce the extent to which you try to escape, disengage from, or avoid your emotions.

Once you find a therapist or psychologist to work with, the first step in the treatment process is unpacking the cause of your emotional numbing. A therapist can help you determine the underlying cause of the trauma, and come up with better ways to cope with overtaxing experiences and emotions. 

The primary goal of psychotherapy, says Dr. Mendez, is to stimulate an understanding of the problem and expose viable and effective problem-solving alternatives.

Psychotherapy may support the learning and the use of emotion-focused problem-solving tools. You may learn to allow feelings to emerge and to process them in the safe environment of therapy.

Whichever therapy you choose, getting help can provide you with a safe place to express and approach your emotions so that you’re no longer feeling numb.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) gives you the opportunity to express and understand your emotions, as well as examine the sources of those emotional responses. It addresses how certain thoughts may be contributing to your emotions.

Rather than avoiding or using maladaptive coping tools (such as numbing), CBT strategies aim to empower you to shift from thoughts of powerlessness to beliefs of strength and emotional competence.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is another form of behavior therapy that is often used with PTSD and other mental health issues that have emotional numbness and avoidance as symptoms.

ACT uses a mindfulness-based approach to help you recognize ways in which you attempt to suppress or control emotional experiences. The goal of ACT is to help you experience your inner feelings while focusing attention on living a meaningful life.

Coping With Emotional Numbness

In addition to psychotherapy, your doctor or therapist may recommend several lifestyle modifications to help relieve some of the symptoms of emotional numbness, and hopefully, prevent more episodes from happening in the future.

While it may take a bit of trial and error, the key to the success of lifestyle modifications is to find what works best for you. Here are a few ideas you can try on your own. 

Develop a Support System

While reaching out to others may seem difficult at first, seeking social support from friends and family that you trust may help provide a safe way to express your emotions. 

Engage in Physical Activity

Staying physically active and engaging in exercises that you enjoy not only benefits your health, but it can also reduce the symptoms of depression and anxiety. Try to include some form of exercise or physical activity most days of the week. 

Get Adequate Rest

Both the quality of sleep and the amount of rest are critical to managing the symptoms of any physical, emotional, or mental health issue. Insufficient sleep can make coping with the stressors of life more challenging.

While waking up during the night is common when dealing with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or any other trauma, try to get seven or more hours of sleep each night, which is the recommended amount for adults.

Minimize Stress

Both daily stressors and overwhelming stress are major contributors to emotional numbness. Finding ways to better manage stress is key to addressing the avoidance of emotions and feelings.

Try managing your schedule, being sure to make time for activities that you enjoy. Practice deep breathing, which can help provide almost immediate relaxation. Eat a nutritious diet.

It’s also important to note that while some use drugs and alcohol to cope with stress, substances can contribute to greater stress levels. If you are struggling with substance use, talk to a doctor. They may recommend you attend counseling or a support group for additional support.

Use Mindfulness Strategies

“Mindfulness strategies may be particularly helpful in reducing emotional numbing and increasing emotional strength and competence to manage stressful experiences,” says Dr. Mendez.

Engaging in relaxation exercises, particularly body awareness exercises, says Dr. Mendez, can be very helpful for awakening sensations, feelings, and regulation of emotions.

Severe depression is often characterized by symptoms of hopelessness, increased irritability, loss of pleasure, trouble concentrating or sleeping, or thoughts of death or suicide. Technically, severe depression isn’t a formal mental health diagnosis. Instead, it refers to more debilitating depression.

The severity of depression is determined by how your symptoms interfere with your day-to-day life, such as causing you to miss school or work. While you may be able to gauge the severity of your depression by looking at your symptoms, only a doctor or mental health professional can diagnose your condition.

This article discusses the spectrum of depression severity, the signs of severe depression, and how severity is assessed. It also explores some of the treatments that may be used to help relieve severe depression.

The Depression Spectrum

It should be noted that there are several types of depression and while they may share some common symptoms, each person’s experience can be different.

Symptoms of depression can occur along a spectrum both in duration and severity:

Mild Depression

Mild depression can occur during periods of stress but resolve with time and may not require any specific treatment. Around 20% of people with the condition experience mild depression. 

Moderate Depression

Moderate depression causes chronic symptoms and usually requires at least one form of treatment, if not multiple treatments. Moderate depression often involves having more symptoms that are more significant in terms of severity and duration.

Severe Depression

Generally speaking, severe depression requires some type of treatment to find some relief.

If someone has severe depression, they may self-harm, have suicidal thoughts, or be at risk for attempting suicide. If you are severely depressed, help is available to help you manage your symptoms and ensure your safety and well-being.

Symptoms of Severe Depression

There is no set definition of severe depression. If you are diagnosed with a form of depression, the severity of the condition will be assessed by your doctor or a mental health professional based on their training and experience. When determining if depression is severe, there are some key signs and symptoms clinicians consider.

Psychosis

Psychosis symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations indicate a person has experienced a break from reality. Psychotic depression symptoms may include:

• Agitation
• Believing that one is ill despite evidence to the contrary
• Delusions or hallucinations
• Extreme anxiety
• Intellectual impairment
• Physical immobility
• Trouble falling asleep

Suicidal Thoughts and Behaviors

Strong signs of suicidality include talking about wanting to die, making plans, or attempting to take one’s own life. Warning signs of suicidal intention include:

• Acquiring the means to commit suicide (purchasing a gun, accumulating a large number of pills, etc.)
• Changes in eating or sleeping habits
• Engaging in risky or self-destructive behavior
• Extreme agitation or anxiety
• Getting one’s affairs in order (drawing up a will, giving away possessions) 
• Increased use of substances such as drugs and alcohol
• Intense changes in mood/mood swings
• Saying goodbye to friends and family as though for the last time
• Feeling trapped or hopeless in one’s situation
• Talking a lot about death, dying, and violence
• Talking about suicide or wishing that one hadn’t been born
• Withdrawal from friends or family

Melancholia

Feelings of profound sadness are common with depression and may be persistent and intense. Melancholia is depression that rises to the level of losing interest in most everything in your life. Research reveals that melancholia is often worse in the morning hours and is typically accompanied by slow movement, trouble concentrating, and loss of appetite.

Physical Effects of Depression

Depression can appear physically via symptoms felt in the body. Examples of physical effects of depression include sleep disturbance, appetite changes, poor concentration or memory, and a loss of interest in sex. Some people with depression may also feel chronic pain, experience gastrointestinal issues, or have a higher level of fatigue.

Psychomotor Changes

Noticeable slowing down of mental and physical activity can sometimes occur in mental illnesses such as depression. Clinically, this is often referred to as psychomotor retardation and can include impairment in fine motor behavior (such as having trouble when trying to pick a coin up from the floor), speech, and facial expressions.

Diagnosis of Severe Depression

Guidelines such as those found in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM-5) and the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) help doctors and mental health professionals systematically assess a person’s symptoms. These criteria can be changed and are periodically updated when new research findings become available.

A Lack of Standardization

Quantitative scales help researchers measure and organize symptoms, as well as designate a “cutoff point” for what’s considered “severe depression” for the purpose of a specific study. However, methodologies vary between studies and researchers, meaning there isn’t a single definition of severe depression across the board. 

A lack of standardization means that if a person’s depression symptoms are assessed with different scales by different providers, the diagnosis may not be consistent. Some providers don’t use them in clinical practice unless a patient is taking medications, whereas others use them regularly. 

Types of Diagnostic Tools

Researchers have been using such scales since the 1960s. One of the first, the Hamilton Depression Rating Scale, is still sometimes used today. However, there are many more scales available that are better suited for doctors to use with patients. There are even scales patients can use on their own to track or self-report depression symptoms. 

The inconsistencies of the tools, their use, and interpretation can make it challenging to determine the severity of someone’s depression, as different scales may provide different (even conflicting) results. That said, when used along with other diagnostic measures and the judgment of an experienced clinician, the scales can be useful tools. 

Most Common Depression Diagnosis Scales

Some of the most popular scales used to help clinicians diagnose depression include:

• Beck Depression Inventory (BDI-II)
• Carroll Rating Scale (CRS)
• Center for Epidemiological Studies Depression (CES-D)
• Children’s Depression Inventory (CDI)
• Clinically Useful Depression Outcome Scale (CUDOS)
• Depression Anxiety Stress Scale (DASS-21)
• Geriatric Depression Scale (GDS)
• Major Depression Inventory (MDI)
• Patient Health Questionnaire-9 (PHQ-9) and adolescent PHQ-9 
• Plutchik-Van Praag Self-Report Depression Scale (PVP)
• Quick Inventory of Depressive Symptomatology (QIDS)
• Rome Depression Inventory (RDI)
• Zung Self-Rating Depression Scales (SDS)

Some scales, such as the Beck Depression Inventory, are copyright protected and not available outside of a doctor’s office or mental health clinic (as they must be paid for). There are inventories, scales, and questionnaires that are in the public domain and, therefore, more accessible. 

The PHQ, for example, is available for free online and in over 30 languages. It can be downloaded as a PDF or accessed as an interactive quiz on several reputable mental health websites. 

Treatment for Severe Depression

Fortunately, there are a number of treatment options for severe depression. Your doctor can help decide the best one for you based on your symptoms. Other factors also considered when suggesting a treatment plan include your level of function and if you pose a risk to yourself or others.

Psychotherapy

Also referred to as talk therapy, psychotherapy can often help ease depressive disorder symptoms. Different types of psychotherapy include:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): This approach to treatment involves helping people identify and change the underlying negative thoughts that contribute to feelings of depression.
• Interpersonal therapy (IPT): This treatment focuses on helping people change the interpersonal relationships and social interactions that impact their mental health.
• Psychodynamic therapy: This treatment involves helping people become more aware of the feelings and emotions to gain insight than can help people feel less depressed.

Many clinicians offer several types of therapies. You can ask your healthcare provider for a referral or search the American Psychological Association’s site to find out which ones are available in your area. It may also be helpful to ask local therapists if they specialize in severe depression.

Medication

Medication is frequently prescribed to treat severe depression. The most common type of medication used is selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs).  This includes antidepressants such as Prozac (fluoxetine), Zoloft (sertraline), and Paxil (paroxetine).

Other medications used to treat depression include:

Brain Stimulation Therapy

If someone has severe depression that has not responded well to first-line treatments like antidepressant medication or psychotherapy, brain stimulation treatments may be tried. Examples of these therapies used for depression include:

Inpatient Depression Treatment

In some cases, inpatient treatment may be recommended for severe depression. Being hospitalized for depression doesn’t mean that you’re weak. It simply means that your treatment may be more effective in a more controlled environment.

Getting depression treatment as an inpatient also allows doctors to keep you safe as they closely monitor how well you are responding to the treatment protocol. It allows them to make any necessary changes should your depression not initially respond or become worse.

Complementary Treatments

There are a few additional things you can do, along with the other treatment options, to help ease your depression. Your doctor may recommend one or more to aid in your recovery.

The Cleveland Clinic shares that some of the remedies that have been found to help are:

Your doctor and mental health care team can help you evaluate all the different depression treatment options and find the one best suited for you, your type of depression, and its severity. 

Coping With Severe Depression

You can also take some steps on your own as you are navigating depression treatment and learning to cope with and manage your symptoms. These include: 

Such lifestyle changes can improve your mood and overall health and well-being.

Sometimes when life gets hard, you might think, ‘I want to disappear.’ Maybe your life feels too heavy with the injustices in the world, you feel too overwhelmed with everything you need to do, or you wish a relationship you were in looked different. If you’re feeling depressed and in a downward cycle of rumination, you may be feeling like you can’t do anything right and wish you could only disappear before you mess even more up.

Disappearing can feel tempting because it may feel like a potential opportunity to hit a pause in your life. You wouldn’t have to tell anyone what was wrong, you wouldn’t have to deal with your jerk of a boss, and the dishes in the sink would no longer be taunting you.

Shame involves an uncomfortable sense of exposure that naturally leads to wanting to disappear. It is also accompanied by a physiological response contributing to behavioral disengagement and withdrawal.

This article offers some tips for navigating this feeling of wanting to disappear.

Take Stock

Gersten recommends noting the next time you find yourself thinking I want to disappear. What are you doing? Who are you with? How are you feeling? Where are you? These are all cues to pay attention to, no matter how big or small they seem.

Maybe you want to disappear every time you’re standing in line at the grocery store after a long day at work. OK, sure, grocery shopping can be tedious, but if you take a step back, you know it’s not worth disappearing over. Because it’s not really about the shopping.

Do you feel social anxiety at a crowded grocery store? Do you resent that your partner expects you to do the grocery shopping? Maybe you sat in a ton of traffic to get there, or that particular grocery store reminds you of a breakup, and you’re afraid of running into that ex. Or maybe you feel that there’s no room for fun in your life between the monotony of work and chores.

In this example, just noting that you are feeling this way in a particular place at a specific time can bring up any number of feelings that could point to something small to change. This could mean ordering groceries instead of standing in line after a long day of work or having a bigger conversation, such as division of labor in your relationship.

Reach Out

If you are feeling like you want to disappear, feelings of shame may be leading to your desire to isolate. However, the health consequences of isolation, including depression, can be serious. But a dialectical behavioral therapy principle, opposite action can be helpful here.

The idea behind opposite action is that, often, when we are feeling a form of emotional distress, our go-to is to believe what our emotion is trying to tell us. If you’re feeling shame, this means your emotions may be telling you to isolate yourself. Acting opposite—in this case, reaching out, rather than pulling back—can decrease these feelings of shame.

Tell Yourself a Different Story

If you find yourself thinking, “I want to disappear,” it can feel overwhelming and only intensify those feelings of shame or self-loathing as your brain attacks itself. Instead, a concept from narrative therapy called externalization can help you change the story you’re telling yourself.

Rather than thinking, “I want to disappear,” try to name what wants you to disappear. Is it shame? Fear of embarrassment? Telling yourself, “shame wants me to disappear,” can put some distance between you and these thoughts. This may help you take a step back and realize that it is these unhelpful thoughts that want you to disappear.

Take a Break

Gersten suggests taking a break from what makes you want to disappear for as long as you can help. If it’s work that’s making you think of disappearing, maybe a long vacation isn’t feasible right now, but taking a day off or an actual break time are smaller ways to remove yourself from the cause. 

Research shows that even microbreaks are helpful at work. Sometimes, wanting to disappear could mean getting off the grid, disconnecting for a day or an afternoon, and spending time in nature. 

Once you have removed yourself from whatever that’s making you want to disappear, “check in with yourself to get to the root of what’s going on to cause the feeling,” says Gersten. If this is at work, it could be that you feel you are not being respected, that you have more work than is manageable—or maybe you hate your boss.

From there, take a look at what you can change. If you’re feeling like you’re not being respected or have more work on your plate than you can handle, there may be conversations you can have with coworkers on these points. If not, you can decide to change how you deal with the situation or leave the job—not disappear—altogether. 

If I Want to Disappear, Am I Depressed or Suicidal?

You might be worried that wanting to disappear means that you are depressed or suicidal. Gersten says that wanting to disappear doesn’t necessarily equate to a diagnosis of depression or feelings of suicide. Sometimes it may just be as simple as you don’t want to deal with whatever’s going on that day, and checking out sounds like a better option.

But it also can be a warning sign that there’s more going on with your mental health than you realize, especially depending on how often you’re thinking this way. If you think I want to disappear multiple times during the day or most days, you might want to find a therapist.

They can help you untangle what the feelings of fantasizing about disappearing are covering up. They can also help you think through which problems you think disappearing might solve and what that would look like. A therapist may finally help you find tools to deal with these feelings or guide you to discover changes you want or need to make in your life. 

A therapist may ask you if you feel other things that might point to depression. Other symptoms of depression can include:

• Low mood
• Loss of interest
• Lack of motivation
• Changes in sleep and appetite
• Fatigue and changes in activity levels
• Feelings of guilt or worthlessness
• Problems concentrating

An appointment might include a suicide risk assessment to determine what wanting to disappear means to you. Does it mean you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or that you simply want to get away? 

Even if you tell a therapist that you have had thoughts of suicide, this does not automatically mean that you will be hospitalized. Sharing these thoughts with your therapist can help them develop proper treatment and minimize risk by creating a safety plan if they believe you may be a danger to yourself.