Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Being attracted to someone can be exciting and intimidating all at once. If you like them, you may wonder what to say or do around them in the hopes of getting them to like you back.

That’s where flirting comes in. Although it can sometimes seem superficial, flirting is an important aspect of human behavior.

Driven by natural instinct, flirting is a combination of verbal and nonverbal cues that help us demonstrate and reciprocate feelings of attraction, Silva explains.

Besides, flirting involves exciting, playful interactions that can boost your confidence and self-esteem, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Although flirting is as old as humankind, flirting techniques and what’s considered appropriate have changed dramatically over time. Verywell Mind asked relationship experts what makes for good flirting and to share some tips that can help you step up your flirting game.

What Makes Good Flirting?

These are some of the ingredients that make for good flirting:

• Playfulness: Flirting often involves light-hearted teasing, jokes, or banter. Playful interactions can help break the ice and create a fun and engaging atmosphere.
• Authenticity: Flirting should come from a place of sincerity and authenticity. It should be honest and transparent, without excessive attention-seeking behavior, says Silva.
• Respect: Flirting must be based on mutual respect. It should be safe and maintain the other person’s sovereignty, says Silva. Sexist or derogatory flirting styles are tacky, demeaning, and not appreciated.
• Kindness: Flirting should be based on empathy and kindness, Silva adds. “Be kind and generous with your heart and the heart of another.”
• Connection: Flirting is about building a connection with someone, based on mutual attraction and interests. 
• Reciprocity: Flirting is a two-way street. It’s important to pay attention to how the other person is responding to your cues. If they’re engaged and responsive, that’s a good sign to continue. If they seem uninterested or uncomfortable, it’s best to gracefully exit the interaction.

Flirting Tips to Boost Attraction and Connection

These are some tips that can help you step up your flirting game:

1. Start with a smile: A warm smile is a simple and effective way to demonstrate your happiness at seeing someone. Research shows that smiling makes you seem more attractive, trustworthy, and intelligent.
2. Maintain eye contact: Maintain eye contact with the person while you’re chatting with them. Put away distractions and give them your full attention.
3. Use humor: Witty comments or jokes can help you break the ice and create a rapport with the person. Over time, you can build these references into inside jokes that you share together.
4. Look for common ground: Look for shared interests, hobbies, and experiences to establish common ground and build a connection.
5. Give genuine compliments: A compliment can show the person you’re interested in them and make them feel good about themselves. Give them a genuine compliment on their personality, habits, appearance, or achievements. Try to compliment them on something that’s unique and specific to them instead of giving them a generic line.
6. Listen actively: Actively listen to what the person shares. Ask follow-up questions and pay attention to their likes and dislikes.
7. Be confident: Confidence is attractive, but it’s important to find the right balance. Being overconfident can come across as arrogant or cocky. On the other hand, being too shy can make it hard for the other person to gauge your interest and intentions. Flirting often involves walking a thin line between subtlety and overtures.
8. Keep your body language open: Keep your body language open and approachable. When it comes to flirting, research shows that how something is said is as important as what is being said. A 2021 study notes that body language in the form of eye contact, a slight smile, and tilted head often indicate flirtation.
9. Tease playfully: Gently teasing the person can help create a light and fun dynamic. However, it’s important to ensure that your teasing is playful and not hurtful in any way. 
10. Engage in friendly challenges: You can engage the person in friendly challenges or competitions, to pique their interest.
11. Touch lightly: You can signal your interest in the person by lightly touching their arm or shoulder. However, be mindful of their boundaries and avoid doing anything without their consent.
12. Be yourself: People sometimes put on a different persona when they’re flirting with someone they’re attracted to, trying to be what they think the person wants them to be. However, that’s usually not sustainable and generally leads to failure. It’s important to be your authentic self during this process, says de Llano. 
13. Go with the flow: Flirting is about exploring possibilities rather than trying to control outcomes, says Silva. She recommends letting go of your expectations and going with the flow of your emotions.
14. Respect their boundaries: If the person indicates in any way that they’re not comfortable with any aspect of the interaction, it’s important to respect their boundaries and step back immediately.
15. Be mindful of the context: Be mindful of the context of your interaction. Flirting can be appropriate—or even expected and welcome—in certain contexts, such as online dating platforms. However, it may not necessarily be appreciated in other contexts, such as workplaces for instance, where it may be considered harassment.

Things to Remember

While flirting comes naturally to some people, it can be a lot harder for some. Putting yourself out there and risking rejection can definitely be scary.

It can be helpful to observe people who are good at it, either in real life or on screen. You can also practice it on a friend or someone you’re attracted to in a group setting, to take some of the pressure off.

Be courageous and don’t be afraid of being imperfect, says Silva. She recommends having fun and giving yourself permission to express your feelings, no matter the outcome.

If you’ve ever been in a highly stressful situation, you’ve likely experienced the fight-or-flight response. Your pulse races, your breathing speeds up, your pupils dilate—all in response to a perceived danger.

These symptoms serve an important purpose in some situations, but they can feel disruptive and uncomfortable in others. Someone with a mental health condition, for example, may have an overactive fight-or-flight response that can be triggered frequently, even when they’re not in danger.

In these situations, there are techniques you can use to calm the fight-or-flight response and alleviate the symptoms of acute stress. Deep breathing, relaxation strategies, physical activity, and social support can all help if you are feeling the effects of a fight-or-flight response.

What Is the Fight-or-Flight Response?

When we’re faced with a situation that causes extreme anxiety or fear, our bodies will respond with a sudden, involuntary display of symptoms like:

• A racing heart
• Balled fists
• Dilated pupils
• Shallow, rapid breathing
• Tensed muscles

These physical reactions are what we call the fight-or-flight response (also known as hyperarousal or the acute stress response). This occurs when the perception of a threat triggers a cascade of physiological changes and the brain sets off an alarm throughout the central nervous system.

As a result, the adrenal glands will start pumping out hormones, called adrenaline and noradrenaline, which place the body on high alert to either confront the threat (“fight”) or leave as quickly as possible (“flight”). These physiological changes serve specific, important functions:

• Rapid pulse and respiration increase your oxygen supply for fast and/or prolonged action.
• The conversion of your body’s fuel source (glycogen) to fuel (glucose) allows for a burst of energy in your muscles.
• The dilation of your pupils allows more light into your eyes, helping you to see better at night.

The fight-or-flight response is reflexive, and it allows us to act before thinking (such as slamming on the brakes to avoid an accident).

How to Calm the Fight-or-Flight Response

Since the fight-or-flight response is a reflex, you can’t control when and where it occurs. However, you can use self-help techniques to calm down quickly and alleviate the symptoms.

Deep Breathing

One technique involves a three-part breathing exercise, which allows you to voluntarily slow your breathing. This can also bring down both your heart rate and adrenaline response.

The exercise, which incorporates some of the technique of pranayama breathing in yoga, involves six basic steps:

1. Find a place that’s quiet. Turn off your phone and close doors and curtains.
2. Sit in a straight-back chair with both feet on the ground or lie on the floor.
3. Place your right hand on your stomach and your left hand on your rib cage so that you can physically feel your inhalation and exhalation.
4. Start inhaling by expanding the belly outward, allowing it to inflate like a balloon.
5. Next, move your breath into the rib cage and all the way into the upper chest.
6. Exhale by reversing this action, contracting your abdominal muscles as you finish.

You can practice this in one-minute intervals with the goal of gradually increasing to five minutes.

Relaxation Practices

Aside from deep breathing, there are several other relaxation techniques you can use to bring yourself out of the fight-or-flight response.

Visualization is one method that involves using mental imagery to picture yourself in a calming location. Similar to daydreaming, visualization exercises require you to imagine yourself in a relaxing place, like a peaceful beach or secluded field, while focusing on the details of those surroundings.

Mantra meditation is another way to reach a more relaxed state. This form of meditation relies on a mantra, or chosen word or phrase, that’s repeated throughout the practice. Your mantra can be anything you choose, and you can repeat it out loud or silently throughout the meditation.

Physical Activity

Engaging in light physical exercise may help regulate your breathing, reduce your muscle tension, and distract you from the cause of your acute stress. Some options include:

• Yoga, which may improve your ability to recover after a stressful event
• Tai chi, which could affect how your body reacts to stress and even improve your ability to cope with it
• Walking and walking meditation, which may reduce blood pressure (especially when combined with other relaxation techniques)

Social Support

Reaching out to family or friends for social support may help you cope in a moment of acute stress, and maintaining close relationships is beneficial for your overall well-being. In fact, one study found that the presence of social support helped reduce the negative effects of stress related to the COVID-19 pandemic.

Treatment for Abnormal Fight-or-Flight Response

While the fight-or-flight response is a vital self-defense mechanism, some people have an overly sensitive response. For these individuals, the symptoms occur either far too frequently, or they happen at inappropriate times. There may be several reasons for this:

• An imbalance in brain hormones, such as in anxiety and bipolar disorders
• Post-traumatic distress
• A history of verbal or physical abuse
• The existence of panic disorder
• Coming into contact with the object of a phobia

If you have an abnormal fight-or-flight response, your treatment will likely involve counseling and psychotherapy to better identify the psychological or psychiatric roots of the issue. In some cases, your doctor may recommend medication, particularly if you’re experiencing severe anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).