Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

“How well do you know me?” is a game you’ve probably played before with your friends, family members, or significant others. It’s a simple activity that can be a great way to remind people how important they are to one another and even help them get to know one another better.

It often goes like this: One person asks a question of the other person or the group. These questions are centered around a specific aspects of a person’s life, interests, or history. The depth of these questions often varies depending on the nature of the relationship, how long you’ve known each other, and how well you know each other.

According to Domenique Harrison MPH, LMFT, LPCC, known as The Racial Equity Therapist, such questions often come from a genuine desire for security, closeness, and connection. “While having curiosity about the lives of those close to you can come from a reflective and introspective place, some individuals may have an ulterior motive to test or stump their loved ones,” she also notes.

Reasons to Ask “How Well Do You Know Me” Questions

The goal of “How well do you know me” questions is to help deepen the connection between people. By prompting the other person to answer such questions, people are encouraged to think about what they know about the person (as well as some of the things they don’t know but might want to).

“These questions can come from two places, one healthy and one less so. Sometimes, these are playful quizzes, sort of like the old game show ‘The Newlywed Game.’ In fact, I have seen a version played on ‘Married at First Sight.’ In those cases, it’s a game, more about memory than about commitment, and it’s fun. Healthy!” says integrative therapist Renée Zavislak, MS, MA, LMFT.

In other cases, such questions may have a less well-intentioned side.

However, she also notes that this is an understandable thought process. Being seen is an important parts of attachment. Many times, these asking these questions stems from a desire to feel seen by our partners, she suggests.

Some other reasons you might opt to pose such questions include:

Authentic, Honest Communication

“How well do you know me” questions encourage people to be honest and open with one another. This can help improve communication and help people to discuss experiences, memories, thoughts, and feelings that might not otherwise come up in their day-to-day conversations.

“Such questions would be a fun and interactive way to check common knowledge and shared experience, which helps to develop connections among people,” says Niloufar Esmaeilpour, MSc, RCC-ACS, a registered clinical counselor at Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre. 

Forging Trust

Mutual self-disclosure plays an important role in any relationship, whether it’s with your friends or your romantic partners. As you get to know one another better, there is a natural back-and-forth where each person reveals increasingly personal information about themselves.

As you share more information, you also start to establish a sense of trust and intimacy. You know each other better, so you also feel more comfortable sharing parts of yourself you might otherwise keep hidden.

Identifying Opportunities for Improvement and Growth

“How well do you know me” questions are also a great way to spot areas in your relationship that could use a little work. As you ask and answer these questions, you might find yourself thinking, “I can’t believe they didn’t know that about me!” or “How did I not know that about them?” 

The more questions you ask, the more you can see patterns and tendencies. For example, you might notice that while the other person knows much about your current experiences, they don’t know much about your past. Or you might realize you’ve been holding back on sharing your thoughts and opinions. In either case, it’s a great opportunity to see how you can improve.

Sometimes, these questions are less about seeing what the other person knows and more about giving you the opportunity to give an open and honest answer. They can provide a springboard for self-disclosure, which can help forge a closer, stronger, and more intimate connection between people.

“How Well Do You Know Me” Questions About Personal History

Questions that focus on your personal history are often best suited for people who have known you for a little while. Even if you didn’t know each other as kids, they’ve gotten to know you well enough and heard enough of your stories, so they have a pretty good chance of answering these questions with some accuracy.

• Who was my favorite teacher, and why did they leave such an impact on my life?
• What’s something that happened in my childhood that really affected who I am today?
• What was the silly nickname that my parents used to call me as a child?
• What did I like the most about my first job?
• What was my favorite thing about the place where I grew up?
• What was my favorite thing to do with my friends when I was a child?
• What things were the biggest challenges in my life during my childhood?
• Which of my family traditions would I like to continue in my own home?
• What hidden talent or skill did I develop when I was younger, and why is it still important to me today?
• What is my most cherished memory from my childhood that reveals something important about who I am now?
• What’s the most unexpected or surprising thing you’ve ever learned about me?
• Did I have any dreams or aspirations when I was younger that I secretly still want to pursue?

“How Well Do You Know Me” Questions About Goals and Dreams

These questions are a great way to dig a little deeper and see how much the other person knows about your hopes and dreams. Such questions allow people to think deeply about your goals and learn a bit more about the sorts of things that motivate you. This can also be a great opportunity for you to find support and encouragement, which can further strengthen your bond.

• What is my single greatest aspiration in life?
• Can you list three things that are on my bucket list?
• Where would I go if I could visit any place in the world?
• Are there any things that you think I could learn how to do that would suit my interests and passions?
• If I had to change careers today, what would I want to do?
• If I could change anything about myself, what would it be?
• Have I ever talked about a dream that I gave up on? What were some reasons I decided to let that dream go?
• Can you think of a time when I faced a major setback? How did I handle it, and how did I move forward or overcome it?
• Do I have any fears, anxieties, or hesitations that keep me from achieving my goals?
• Do I have any childhood dreams that are still important to me today? Why do you think they are so long-lasting and significant to me?

“How Well Do You Know Me” Questions About Likes and Dislikes

Likes and dislikes are often the classic type of question people focus on when they ask “How well do you know me?” Instead of focusing on the basics like your favorite color, movie, or food, let’s dig a little deeper, shall we?

The following questions mine some of the same themes, but are designed to see how much the other person knows about the reasons behind your top faves and pet peeves.

• What is it about my favorite type of music that I enjoy the most?
• What was it that drew me to the career I have now, and would I choose it again if I had it to do over?
• What’s a guilty pleasure of mine that I don’t like to admit to enjoying? What is it about it I like so much (and why do I feel guilty for enjoying it)?
• Do I have any favorite songs, movies, or TV shows that are attached to some specific favorite memories of mine?
• What’s something I dislike that always puts me in a bad mood?
• Have I ever mentioned a favorite place or activity that holds a special place in my heart?
• Are there any hobbies I would like to pursue if I just had the time?

“How Well Do You Know Me” Questions About Feelings and Fears

One of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship is the ability to be vulnerable and talk about what’s most important to you and what you fear most. The following questions focus on some of your innermost emotions, including your views of yourself and how you feel about the future.

• What do I want people to remember me for the most?
• If I could change anything that has happened in my life, what would it be?
• If you could be anyone else for one day, who would it be?
• What scares me the most about the future?
• If I could change anything about the world today, what would it be?
• What would I do with my day if I found out that I only had 24 hours left to live?
• Are there any situations where I struggle to control my emotions or how I express them?
• What’s my biggest fear or insecurity, and what effect does it have on my life?
• Have I ever shared any recurring dreams or nightmares? What do you think those dreams say about my underlying feelings or fears?
• Is there any piece of media, such as song, movie, book, or work of art, that always evokes a strong emotional reaction whenever I experience it?
• What situations tend to make me feel the most vulnerable?
• Do I have any mantras or affirmations that help me feel secure, motivated, and encouraged?

“How Well Do You Know Me” Questions for Couples

Talking to your partner about what matters most to you in a relationship and how you see your future together can help bring you closer together. Having your partner ask such questions allows you to connect with them on a deeper level.

• What’s something about me that most people don’t know?
• What did I think of you when I first met you?
• Where do I see us in five years?
• What do I like the most about myself?
• If I could spend money on anything, what would I buy?
• What is most important to me in a relationship?
• What’s my love language, and what effect does it have on how we relate to one another?
• What was my most embarrassing childhood memory?
• What’s my favorite way to spend a lazy weekend day?
• What’s my comfort food when I’m feeling down?
• Can you name a time in our relationship when I felt the closest to you? What made that moment so special?
• Has there ever been a time when I was surprised by something you did?
• What’s something I’ve always wanted to know about you but have been afraid to ask?
• What’s one thing about our relationship that I would change if I could?
• What do I consider to be the biggest red flag or dealbreaker in a relationship?
• What’s one of the less conventional traits or characteristics I find the most attractive about another person?
• Which actions and gestures help me to feel the most loved and appreciated?
• Are there any dreams or goals I’ve had to put on hold because of other priorities?
• What’s a fear or insecurity of mine that affects how we communicate and connect as a couple?

Tips for Asking “How Well Do You Know Me” Questions

The great thing about “How well do you know me” questions is that they can be a comfortable way to initiate what can become a deep and meaningful conversation with another person. Research suggests that while they want to have these kinds of conversations, they often feel uncomfortable or unsure about how to initiate such discussions.

So what can you do to make sure that asking these questions feels safe and comfortable for everyone involved?

First, make sure that you pick the right time for a conversation. Some ideas include spending leisure time together or going on a date. It can also be a great way to pass the time during a car trip. The key is to choose a time and setting where you can focus on the conversation without a lot of distractions and where neither person feels stressed or pressured.

If someone else is asking you these questions, really pay attention to what you know about them, says Reena B. Patel, MA, LEP, BCBA, a psychologist and Licensed Educational Board-Certified Behavior Analyst. “The more you recall and show your partner or friend or coworker you remember their interests, the better it shows them how invested you are in the connection and relationship,” she suggests.

Consider Your Own Reasons for Asking

Zavislak suggests that before you pose such questions, start by checking in with yourself to evaluate how you are feeling and assess your goals for asking such questions.

For example, if you are asking them because some aspect of your current relationship is triggering unresolved feelings from your past, you may be better off telling them what you want them to know rather than posing it as a quiz. Doing so allows you to express vulnerability and build greater intimacy with your partner without evoking defensiveness.

She also recommends modeling the behaviors you want, not what you get. If you want your partner to know more about you, start by asking them questions about themselves.

Deciding to see a therapist is an important first step of a mental health journey. If you’ve chosen to pursue therapy, it indicates that you’re ready to work through your problems and better yourself.

For whatever reason, you might not feel a genuine connection to certain therapists. Or you might start seeing a therapist only to discover that this professional doesn’t specialize in the area suitable for your mental health history and background. In some cases, it can be difficult to determine exactly why therapy isn’t going well, but the nagging feeling that you’re not making much progress in your sessions won’t go away. 

Find out when it’s possible to work through an issue with a therapist and when it’s time to walk away.

Signs of a Bad Therapist

Your therapy should center your healing and recovery first and foremost. If your therapy sessions aren’t helping, you’re under no obligation to continue on a path that’s not conducive to your growth. Recognize when it’s time to find a new therapist with this overview of red flags and warning signs.

Your Therapist Is Unreliable

Mental health professionals have busy and complicated lives just like their patients do. A professional or family emergency might prompt them to reschedule appointments on occasion. However, if your therapist frequently shows up late, reschedules, cancels, or, worse, forgets about appointments, you may want to consider seeing a different mental health provider.

These actions show that the therapist has not prioritized you and is not committed to your care. Before you call it quits with the unreliable therapist, you can try discussing your concerns with the provider or even asking if moving your session to a different day or time would help. You’re certainly not obligated to find a solution for your therapist’s flakiness. Still, if you really like the provider and want to continue the relationship, this might be worth a try. 

Your Therapist Is Unethical 

Unethical therapists betray their patients’ trust and violate professional codes of conduct. If your therapist has touched you inappropriately or sexually propositioned you, it’s important to end all sessions immediately and report the therapist to the state licensure board or other appropriate authorities.

Therapists are forbidden from pursuing their patients sexually. They’re also forbidden from urging patients to harm themselves or others. In one notorious case, a New York City psychiatrist was arrested for convincing one of her patients to murder her ex-lover.

Often, therapists won’t do something as egregious as violating sexual boundaries with a patient or manipulating someone to commit a crime. Still, they could engage in unethical behaviors all the same. Here are some other examples of unethical professional conduct:

• They try to get you to run errands for them or perform other personal favors.
• They break confidentiality, gossiping to you about other patients and raising your suspicions that they do the same about you.
• They may treat you more like a friend than a patient, wasting valuable time during sessions and slowing your progress toward healing.

Your Therapist Is Judgmental 

Therapists are supposed to help you gain insight into your life and make informed decisions; they should not force their religious and personal views onto you. It’s difficult to make progress in therapy if you can’t be your authentic self—and a therapist who judges you because of your history of drug addiction, sexual promiscuity, financial irresponsibility, or another reason will prevent you from opening up and growing.

You sought therapy to get help for your problems. Pretending you don’t have any to avoid criticism from a judgmental provider will delay your progress.

Your Therapist Is Not Culturally Sensitive

Some therapists aren’t judgmental, per se, but hold stereotypical and even bigoted views of people who don’t share their backgrounds. If your therapist has made disparaging remarks about your sexual orientation, racial background, religion, or another aspect of your identity, this isn’t the right provider for you.

Therapists don’t have to make overtly hostile remarks about your identities to reveal that they harbor negative views of certain groups. If they view you in stereotypical terms, they may not be able to view you as a three-dimensional human being.

It’s also important to not dismiss microaggressions—which could include making assumptions about you or making comments that subtly denigrate you or dismiss your concerns.

If they express surprise that you’re college-educated, married with children, speak English well, or any other number of stereotypical remarks related to their perceptions of your background, look for a different provider. The same advice applies if you feel that your therapist is condescending, talks down to you, or is not quite comfortable with you.

 Your Therapist Just Doesn’t Get You

Your therapist may be highly trained and well-qualified but simply doesn’t get you. Perhaps you and your therapist share different religious, racial, gender, or class backgrounds. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the therapist is “bad”—they might just be bad for you.

For example, if you’re a gay man from a working-class Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn, and your therapist is an upper-class, heterosexual woman from a Baptist family in Texas, you may not feel that she has the life experience to understand your unique struggles. If you question whether your therapist can understand your family dynamics, the challenges of a working-class upbringing, or the threats posed by anti-Semitism and homophobia, you may want to find a different provider.

But it’s also important to be realistic. While you may not find a therapist who’s your carbon copy, you can strive to find one who specializes in serving the LGBTQ+ population or the Jewish community, for instance.

Your Therapist Can’t Help You

When you first begin therapy, you may not understand your unique mental health needs or diagnoses. But over time, you may come to find that growing up in a family plagued by domestic violence has left you with complex PTSD. However, if your therapist doesn’t specialize in trauma disorders, the provider may not be the appropriate person to guide you on your healing journey. 

If you’re not sure that your therapist is qualified to help you, find out the provider’s specialties. If you have a personality disorder, and the therapist is not trained to treat such disorders, find someone who can provide specialized care. 

Again, just because your particular therapist does not specialize in the kind of treatment you need doesn’t mean they are a bad therapist overall—it just means you need to look elsewhere for the support you require.

Your Therapist Is Pushy

Does your therapist listen to you? If you say you’re uncomfortable going into detail about a traumatic part of your life like intimate partner violence or childhood sexual abuse, does your therapist respect your wishes or pressure you to disclose this information anyway? 

How about goal-setting? Does your therapist push you to set loftier goals than you’ve established for yourself? If you say you’d like to work out for four hours a week, does the provider urge you to exercise for five? If you say you’d like to save an extra $200 per month, does the therapist suggest you save double that amount, regardless of your financial situation?

You know your circumstances and abilities better than anyone else, so if you’ve set realistic and achievable goals for yourself, it’s inappropriate for therapists to push you to meet their goals for you. If you ask for a therapist’s advice, it’s fine for the provider to make recommendations or guide you to make the best choice for yourself, but mental health professionals should not be giving you step-by-step instructions on how to live your life.

Some therapists simply talk too much. If you find that you can hardly get a word in edgewise as they drone on about their problems, their expertise, and their suggestions for your life, they may be too self-centered to be of any real help.  

Your Therapist Is Too Passive

While some therapists may be too pushy, others may be too passive. If a therapist hesitates to give you any advice at all or is afraid to give you a much-needed nudge about improving your life, your provider may not be proactive enough.

This is also the case if therapists say very little during sessions and don’t have a plan to help you work through your problems. If they have given no indication about the form of treatment they practice, and months have passed with very little structure during your therapy sessions, tell them that you’d benefit from a goal-oriented treatment protocol.

If you still feel like you’re not making any progress in therapy, it’s time to find a different provider.    

Depression chat rooms can help if you are feeling depressed and need to talk to someone who understands just what it is that you are going through. You can find a safe place to express yourself and get support from others who are also experiencing depression.

If You Are Suicidal

However, if you are feeling suicidal and in danger of hurting yourself, rather than going to a non-crisis chat room, you should seek assistance from your doctor, therapist, or a suicide hotline.

You can also text to 838255 during these times of crisis. These links are also appropriate for veterans (press 1 and you will be linked to counselors who have been trained in issues that you may be experiencing).

Depression Chat Rooms

These organizations provide moderated chat rooms, which means a volunteer is present in the rooms to help make sure that all users are following site rules and treating each other respectfully. These rooms are not a substitute for professional treatment for depression, but you may find the community to be supportive.

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) offers peer-led online support groups and forums to give people living with depression and bipolar disorder a place to share experiences and coping skills and gain hope.

Depression Chat Rooms

Depression Chat Rooms from depression-chat-rooms.org aims to connect people who have issues regarding depression and anxiety. They also welcome people with similar or related health issues such as bipolar disorder and eating disorders. The website is independent, nonprofit, and free. Note that chat rooms on the site are moderated, while forums are not.

Depression Forums

Depression Forums has more than 70,000 members and offers forums on topics ranging from depression and anxiety to recovery and coping to medication and therapy that are moderated by volunteers. 

Depression Sanctuary

Depression Sanctuary is a nonprofit organization created to provide a safe, moderated platform for people with depression to seek support from other like-minded people. Membership is required to participate in the Depression Sanctuary chat rooms, but it’s completely free to join.

They offer hosted chats at specific times. Be aware that to keep the support group a safe and comfortable place for all members, certain rules must be followed while in the chat rooms. Depression Sanctuary is staffed by volunteers who also live with depression. Be kind and treat them with the same respect and care that you’d want for yourself.

Depression Understood

Depression Understood offers a depression chat room that is always open. They aim to have a relaxed, supportive, and informal atmosphere.

HealthUnlocked

HealthUnlocked runs in partnership with the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) and offers a safe space for anxiety and depression support. 

Benefits and Risks

Moderated chat rooms offer a safer place to express yourself compared with open social media platforms. However, they are not generally staffed by mental health professionals. The volunteer moderators or hosts will try to maintain order, but they may not always be effective in preventing abusive behavior. You’ll find the design and usability for some of the chat rooms to be better than others.

You may also wish to explore whether there are health organizations in your area that offer a form of online intervention or treatment for depression. If you have a doctor or therapist who is treating you for depression, ask about options you have for online therapy. Chat rooms provide peer-to-peer support, but therapy (either online or in person) is important for the treatment of depression.

The Pros

If you struggle with sharing your emotions, verbal communication via an online chat room might be easier for you. Another perk: anonymity. Some people find comfort in not having to express themselves face to face. This can be especially true if you struggle with depression as well as low self-esteem.

That said, these forums shouldn’t replace your real-life support system. If you find yourself spending a lot of time online, in lieu of meeting up with friends and family, it may be a red flag that you’re using these forums to replace face-to-face interactions.

The Cons

While the majority of people on these online forums are there to help, it’s impossible to know everyone’s motivation, so you’ll need to exercise caution to ensure your online relationships are healthy and genuine.

Unfortunately, online predators who are looking to take advantage of those who are feeling vulnerable do exist. If someone is making you uncomfortable or ashamed of your depression, block or report the person to the moderator.