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Sibling rivalry isn’t always outgrown in childhood. In some cases, it only intensifies as time passes. While people often think of sibling rivalry as a childhood phenomenon, adult siblings fighting is a common phenomenon in which adult siblings struggle to get along, argue, or are even estranged from one another.

If you feel strain in your relationship with your family because your parents favor another sibling or another sibling’s family, you may be surprised to find that you’re not alone. While most parents love their adult children, it’s surprisingly common for a parent to be closer to, or more supportive of, particular adult offspring over others, sparking sibling rivalry.

This article discusses why sibling rivalry happens and some strategies you can use to cope with the stress of adult siblings fighting.

Signs of Sibling Rivalry in Adults

Some signs of sibling rivalry in adults include:

• Jealousy
• Competition, showing off, and bragging
• Trying to get attention from the parent
• Trying to get parents to take their side in an argument
• Not treating adult siblings as adults or equals
• Viewing the other sibling as an enemy
• Interfering with the other sibling’s life or relationships
• Attempting to undermine other siblings or make them feel inadequate

Sibling rivalry in adulthood can take many forms and may range from subtle to much more overt behavior. In some cases, adult siblings fighting can create conflict within the family and lead to the breakdown of relationships.

Research on Sibling Rivalry

Research has shown that parenting plays a significant role in contributing to adult sibling rivalry. While parents may strive to remain unbiased when it comes to their kids, favoritism is actually very common.

Research has found:

• Favoritism affects mental health. Other research shows that parental favoritism negatively affects the mental health of all of the children in the family, either by creating resentment in the less-favored children, stress from high parental expectations for the favored child, strained sibling relationships, and other negative consequences.
• Parents often feel closer to one child. A study from Cornell University included interviews from 275 mothers in their 60s and 70s and their 671 offspring. Among those participants, 70% of the mothers could specify a child to whom they felt closest. Interestingly, only 15% of interviewed offspring felt that there was equal treatment by their mothers.
• The impact of this favoritism can be lasting. Research suggests that the effects of perceived parental favoritism can last through life.

Reasons for Adult Sibling Rivalry

Sibling relationships are complex and influenced by a variety of factors including genetics, life events, gender, parental relationships, and experiences outside of the family.

Parental favoritism is often cited as an explanation for adult siblings fighting. It’s also common for people to feel that a sibling is or ‘has always been’ favored by a parent, even if this may not be recognized or acknowledged by the rest of the family.

While it hurts to be the less favored ‘child’, it’s human nature for some people to be drawn together for various reasons, such as:

• Geographical proximity: Your sister who lives closer to your mom may understandably spend more time with her.
• Shared personality features: Your dad and brother think the same way, and thus understand each other more easily.
• Other factors within or beyond your control: Perhaps your worldview doesn’t match your parents’ as closely as that of one of your siblings, and they resent it, consciously or unconsciously.

While this can be human nature, it stings more when coming from a parent, as we think of our parents as people who are supposed to love and support us unconditionally, and we may still see them as a little greater than human (a viewpoint leftover from childhood).

Coping With Adult Siblings Fighting

Whatever the reason, if you find that one or more parents are favoring another sibling over you, either by having a closer relationship with your sister’s kids, bragging more about your brother’s accomplishments, paying more attention to your sister, or always taking your brother’s side in a disagreement, it can make for a stressful family gathering with raw feelings that can be easily hurt.

Research has shown that parental favoritism and sibling rivalry are linked to increased symptoms of anxiety, depression, hostility, and loneliness.

Adult siblings fighting can take a toll not just on the individuals involved, but also on the entire family unit. If you are struggling to cope, here are some tips that can help reduce conflict and manage feelings of stress caused by sibling rivalry.

Don’t Take It Personally

Understand that your parent may not ‘love’ the other sibling more, they just feel closer or more invested in their lives, for whatever reason. They may not even be aware of it, and most likely not doing it to hurt your feelings.

If they are actively trying to hurt you as ‘punishment’ for not being more the person they’d like you to be, perhaps it’s best that you’re not closer.

Find Support Elsewhere in Your Life

Find supportive people in your life to provide the love, acceptance, and approval you may not get from your parents as much as you’d like. While we may not be born into families of people who think like us and share our values, there are many people in the world that can provide the support that our family members may be unable to give. 

Don’t Perpetuate Sibling Rivalry

Don’t compete with your siblings, and don’t blame them for being favored. Even if they’re going out of their way to remain the favorite, you can’t blame them for wanting their parent’s love and approval. Just accept that your relationship with your parents is yours and try to keep it separate from sibling relationships.

Accept the Reality of the Situation

You’ll also feel better if you accept that you may not get as much support and approval from parents as you want, and that’s okay. If you don’t come at them from a place of need, you will actually have more personal power.

It may be difficult to get into this frame of thought, but you’ll feel better after you do. Start by noticing all that you do get from them, and valuing that. Also, you can notice everything that you get from other areas of your life, and realize that your family of origin is only one part of your life, and it doesn’t have to be the most important part.

Invest In Your Own Family

Finally, if you have a committed relationship or family of your own, you can focus on providing that which you’d like to be getting from your family of origin. Focus on what you share with them, and on what you can provide to yourself in your own life, and you’ll be better able to accept familial quirks.

Get Additional Support If Needed

Given that there can be lasting negative effects of parental favoritism and sibling rivalry that last into adulthood if you feel significant stress from this situation and you feel you need extra support in managing this stress, don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional. 

There are many qualified therapists who deal with family-of-origin issues like these, and they can help quite a bit with the stress. You can also adopt general stress management habits to lessen the overall stress load and make it easier to cope.

There’s a saying that “a watched clock never moves.” A more accurate statement might be that “a watched smartphone never pings.” There are few things more anxiety-provoking than being left “unread” when you text someone—unless maybe it’s seeing the text bubble that they are typing and never receiving a response.

In fact, countless studies have shown that texting can create a great deal of anxiety. Research also suggests that communicating via text has the power to both help and hinder our relationships.

Learning how texting can impact our relations with others can help us keep in touch with loved ones in positive versus negative ways. It also helps to know some common mistakes to avoid, such as having long texting conversations and arguing via text.

Why We Text in Relationships

Aside from being a functional way to communicate, texting allows people to escape their present situation. People may text because they are bored, or because they feel it’s a better way to express themselves rather than talking on the phone or in person.

But, there’s a risk that texting could become a crutch too. When this happens, it becomes a barrier to creating meaningful relationships with others. Additionally, texting frequently can come from a place of loneliness, which only exacerbates the issue by further alienating and isolating the texter.

How Texting Impacts Relationships

Texting has the power to be a good thing, but issues crop up when it becomes your main mode of communication. Too many times, there is a lot of miscommunication that takes place with texts. When this happens, it can alter the entire course of the relationship. Here are some ways in which texting impacts relationships.

Texting Nice Things

Texting a compliment, a funny meme, or a positive comment can make the person on the receiving end feel closer to you and more satisfied with the relationship. Likewise, checking in on someone or just letting them know that you’re thinking of them can strengthen your relationship too.

Hyperactive Sexting

While you might think that sending sexy messages, nude photos, or sexts in a relationship helps spice it up and keep things interesting, research has shown that relationships involving excessive sexting usually experience more conflict.

Partners also were more likely to be ambivalent about the relationship’s long-term potential and report lower levels of commitment and attachment. A sexy picture or note now and then is fine if it’s consensually sent and received; but avoid sending these types of messages in excess. In-person intimacy is always a better option.

Excessive Texting

Anytime one partner texts the other excessively, this is a warning sign. For instance, texting non-stop could indicate that one partner is clingy and needy or that they are feeling insecure in the relationship.

While this is harmful to the person doing the excessive texting, it can also be smothering to the person on the receiving end. Additionally, you want to link yourself with someone who is secure and doesn’t need you to give them worth or meaning.

Excessive texting—especially when it involves demanding to know where someone is, who they are with, and what they are doing—can even be controlling and abusive. If you’re in a relationship with someone who texts excessively or aggressively, you may want to distance yourself from them.

Common Texting Mistakes

People are constantly sizing up one another’s behavior, and texting is a primary way in which we begin making evaluations about a relationship early on. When you just start seeing someone, their texting habits can be both intriguing and baffling at the same time. Here are some common mistakes people make when texting in relationships.

Using It to Deal With Conflict

If there’s a problem in the relationship, text messaging may not be the best way to resolve it. Texting is not always a good conflict-resolution tool. Instead, arrange a time to talk to one another in person.

By doing so, you can have a more meaningful conversation because you can see each other’s expressions and hear each other’s tone of voice. These things are vital parts of healthy communication.

Asking Too Many Questions

One or two questions shows that you have interest in a person. But asking too many questions via text can start to feel like an interrogation. And when this happens, the person on the receiving end can start to feel defensive.

Limit your texted questions to just one or two. There will be plenty of time to ask more questions in person as the relationship progresses.

Having Long Texting Conversations

Generally speaking, your texts shouldn’t be too long. Ideally, you want to keep their length to about that of a tweet. Having long texting conversations can be annoying to the people on the receiving end, especially if they’re busy at work or trying to complete a project.

That being said, there are circumstances in which more in-depth conversations can be had over text. Just make sure you aren’t relying on text messaging as your primary form of communication.

Arguing by Text

Not texting when you’re angry should go without saying. Yet, many people still make this mistake. If you’re angry or you just had a disagreement, put your phone down. Not only will you probably regret what you type, but your text will also not likely be interpreted the way you want it to be.

Waking the Other Person Up

When it comes to texting friends and partners, it’s important to be respectful of their schedules. Refrain from sending text messages super early in the morning or late at night.

While many people keep their phones on silent while they sleep, it’s more considerate to wait until regular hours to send someone a text. If you do happen to send a text late at night or early in the morning by mistake, make sure you take a moment to apologize.

How to Determine Text Compatibility

Researchers have discovered that it isn’t specifically what you text or how you text your partner that helps create satisfaction in a relationship. It’s your “texting compatibility” that actually predicts relationship satisfaction. In other words, when both partners approach texting in the same way, they make for a happier couple.

Not surprisingly, text messages from someone who texts at the same rate and pace you do will be welcomed in your inbox. But if you’re partnered with someone who texts too much, or even too little, you’ll eventually become annoyed. Here are three telltale signs that you and your partner are text-compatible.

Texting the Same Amount

It doesn’t matter whether you type long paragraphs to one another or you type a few short sentences, as long as they are roughly the same, you are compatible. Meanwhile, there’s nothing worse than pouring your heart out in text and only getting a one or two-word reply in response. Likewise, if you prefer short text messages, receiving a long text can be annoying.

Initiating Texts Equally

In the beginning stages of a relationship, couples are hyper-aware of who initiates each text. So, as the relationship progresses, if one person initiates all the contact, it signals that there’s some texting incompatibility present.

Texting Just to Chat

This type of texting is equivalent to small talk. You text each other just to say hello or to check-in. Or, maybe you text one another funny memes or links to interesting articles. When this type of texting occurs in a relationship, it’s actually a positive sign and a good indicator of overall relationship satisfaction.

If Texting Is Hurting Your Relationship

If you’re frequently disappointed in the way your partner responds to you via text, take some time to talk about it. Although discussing your concerns won’t necessarily bring about changes, you’ll at least gain a better understanding of where your partner is coming from.

This way, the next time you get a text that irritates you, you’ll understand the motivation behind it and not take it too personally. Then, when you’re ready, talk about what you’d like when it comes to texting. This can help build your relationship in the same way as talking about your other relationship needs.

Short-term memory is the part of memory that stores a limited amount of information for a short amount of time. It’s brief (about 20 to 30 seconds), and you can only remember so much information (such as a five to nine-word list).

If you want to see for yourself just how short your short-term memory really is, try memorizing some of the word lists below. It can be a great way to learn more about your own limits and can even be an excellent exercise for boosting your memory powers.

Test Your Memory With Word Lists

This quick short-term memory test is a simple psychology experiment you can try at home. You can do this experiment on your own or with a small group of volunteers. By seeing how many words you can memorize in a brief period of time, you can learn more about both the capacity and duration of short-term memory.

Look at the list of words below for two minutes. Memorize as many words as you can in this amount of time. Next, get out a sheet of paper. Without looking at the list, give yourself two minutes to write down as many words from the list as you can.

Nine	Swap	Cell	Ring	Lust
Plugs	Lamp	Apple	Table	Sway
Army	Bank	Fire	Hold	Worm
Clock	Horse	Color	Baby	Sword
Desk	Grab	Find	Bird	Rock

How many words did you get correct? Despite having two minutes to memorize the words, you may have found it surprisingly difficult to recall even a handful of words.

This experiment demonstrates some of the limitations of short-term memory. According to researcher George A. Miller, the typical storage capacity for short-term memory is seven, plus or minus two items.

Try Chunking to Remember More

While short-term memory capacity is limited, some strategies may help improve it a bit. Memory rehearsal strategies, such as chunking, can significantly increase memorization and recall.

Horse	Cat	Dog	Fish	Bird
Orange	Yellow	Blue	Green	Black
Table	Chair	Desk	Bookcase	Bed
Teacher	School	Student	Homework	Class
Apple	Banana	Kiwi	Grape	Mango

Because these items can be easily grouped based on category, you can probably remember far more of these words. Clustering can be a useful memorization strategy that can improve the retention and recall of information.

Perform Your Own Word Memorization Experiment

There are a number of different approaches you could take in conducting your own word memorization experiment.

• Compare random words versus related words. Create two lists of words: One that is completely random and another that has groups of related words. Ask participants to first complete one trial with the random words, and then complete another trial with the related words. Compare the results of the two trials.
• Compare results between male and female participants. Have a group of participants perform the memorization activity, and then compare how many words the male participants remembered on average to how many the female participants remembered.
• Try the experiment with gender-associated terms versus gender-neutral terms. Create a list of terms related to objects or concepts commonly associated with women or men. Then create a list of neutral terms. Administer both tests to a group and compare the results between the men and women. Did women or men find it easier to remember the gender-associated terms? Or were the results insignificant?
• Compare results among different age groups. For example, create a group of school-age children, a group of college students, a group of middle-aged adults, and a group of older adults. Give the same test to each participant and then compare the results of each group. Which group performed the best? Which one performed the worst? What do these results have to say about memory and age?

Key Questions for Background Research

• On average, how many words can a person remember?
• Can other factors such as gender and age have an impact on memory?
• Do people tend to remember certain words more than others?
• What strategies might improve memorization?

When you are exploring psychology experiment ideas, be sure to understand how to conduct a psychology experiment to get accurate results and to perform experiments ethically.

Factors That Impact Performance on Word Lists

How well you do at recalling words on a memorization list depends on a variety of factors. Some issues that can affect your performance on memorization lists include things such as:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Fatigue
• Stress
• Side effects of medications
• Sleep deprivation
• Substance use

Another issue that might play a role is the serial position effect. It involves a tendency to recall words at the beginning or end of a list while having difficulty remembering those in the middle.

Better recall for words at the beginning of a list is known as the primacy effect, and better recall for those at the end of a list is the recency effect.

How to Improve Your Short-Term Memory

If you’d like to strengthen your memory, some strategies can help you boost your memorization powers.

• Brain training: Some research has found that cognitive training can help slow brain aging and sharpen your mental skills, including short-term memory. Practicing memorizing word lists on your own is one strategy, but there are also many online brain games and apps that can be helpful.
• Healthy habits: The Alzheimer’s Association suggests that strategies such as regular exercise, avoiding smoking, eating a balanced diet, and getting enough rest are crucial for protecting brain health and memory.
• Try mnemonics: Songs, rhymes, and acronyms are examples of memory devices that can help you remember things more effectively. For example, when you are memorizing a list of words, you might try singing the list to the tune of a familiar melody. Some research suggests that using such tools can boost your memory by as much as 20%!
• Manage your stress: Chronic stress can take a serious toll on your health and mental well-being, but it can also worsen your memory and concentration. That’s why it’s so crucial to find ways to minimize and manage stress effectively. Self-care can help, as can using stress management techniques like deep breathing and meditation.
• Consider herbal memory boosters: Certain herbs purportedly have memory benefits and other positive effects on brain health. Sage, ginseng, and lemon balm are a few that may have a positive impact on memory.

Always check with your doctor before trying any herbal supplement or remedy.

When to Get Help

Less than stellar performance on a memory word list isn’t necessarily a reason for concern. It might mean you are distracted, tired, or have difficulty concentrating. If you are noticing other problems with your memory, however, it is essential to discuss your concerns with your doctor.

Your doctor can evaluate your symptoms to determine if a medical or mental health condition might be affecting your memory.

Mental conditions such as depression can lead to problems with memory and concentration. Medical conditions affecting memory include mild cognitive impairment, dementia, Alzheimer’s disease, infections, and medication side effects.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

1. Kelley P, Evans MDR, Kelley J. Making memories: Why time matters. Front Hum Neurosci. 2018;12:400. doi:10.3389/fnhum.2018.00400

2. Von Bastian CC, Oberauer K. Effects and mechanisms of working memory training: A review. Psychol Res. 2013;78(6):803-820. doi:10.1007/s00426-013-0524-6

3. National Institute on Aging. Do memory problems always mean Alzheimer’s disease?

4. Gicas KM, Honer WG, Wilson RS, et al. Association of serial position scores on memory tests and hippocampal-related neuropathologic outcomes. Neurology. 2020;95(24):e3303-e3312. doi:10.1212/WNL.0000000000010952

5. Hampshire A, Sandrone S, Hellyer PJ. A large-scale, cross-sectional investigation into the efficacy of brain training. Front Hum Neurosci. 2019;13:221. doi:10.3389/fnhum.2019.00221

6. Alzheimer’s Association. 10 ways to love your brain.

7. Knott D, Thaut MH. Musical mnemonics enhance verbal memory in typically developing children. Front Educ. 2018;3. doi:10.3389/feduc.2018.00031

8. Yaribeygi H, Panahi Y, Sahraei H, Johnston TP, Sahebkar A. The impact of stress on body function: A review. EXCLI J. 2017;16:1057-1072. doi:10.17179/excli2017-480

9. National Institute on Aging. Memory, forgetfulness, and aging: What’s normal and what’s not?

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the “Everything Psychology Book.”

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The Müller-Lyer illusion is an optical illusion where two lines of the same length appear to be of different lengths. 

A German psychologist named Franz Carl Müller-Lyer created the illusion in 1889. In the original version, he asked people to mark where they thought the midpoint of the line was to gauge if they perceived the lines as being different lengths.

What Do You See?

In the top half of the image above, which line looks like it’s the longest? 

For most people, the line with the fins of the arrow protruding outward (the center line) appears to be the longest. The line with the arrow fins pointing inward appears to be shorter. 

While your eyes might tell you that the line in the middle is the longest, the shafts of both lines are exactly the same length—which you can see in the bottom half of the image.

Like other optical illusions, the Müller-Lyer illusion has had psychological researchers scratching their heads to try to come up with an explanation. Here are a few theories they’ve come up with. 

How the Müller-Lyer Illusion Works

Optical illusions aren’t just fun, they also serve as an important tool for researchers. By looking at how we perceive illusions, we can learn more about how our brains and perceptual processes work. 

That said, experts do not always agree on what causes optical illusions—and the Müller-Lyer illusion is a great example.

The Size Constancy Explanation

According to psychologist Richard Gregory, the Müller-Lyer illusion happens because of a misapplication of size constancy scaling. 

In most cases, size constancy lets us perceive objects in a stable way by taking distance into account. In the three-dimensional world we live in, this principle allows us to perceive a tall person as being tall whether they are standing next to us or off in the distance. When we apply this same principle to two-dimensional objects, Gregory suggests that errors can crop up.

Other researchers say that Gregory’s explanation does not sufficiently explain the illusion. For example, other versions of the Müller-Lyer illusion use two circles at the end of the shaft. In this case, there are no depth cues but the illusion still occurs. It has also been shown that the illusion can occur when viewing three-dimensional objects.

The Depth Cue Explanation

Depth plays an important role in our ability to judge distance.  One explanation of the Müller-Lyer illusion is that our brains perceive the depths of the two shafts based on depth cues.

When the fins are pointing inward toward the shaft of the line, we see it as sloping away like the corner of a building. This depth cue leads us to see the line as being further away and therefore shorter.

When the fins are pointing outward away from the line, it looks more like the corner of a room sloping toward us. This depth cue leads us to believe that the line is closer and therefore longer.

The Conflicting Cues Explanation

An alternative explanation proposed by R. H. Day suggests that the Müller-Lyer illusion occurs because of conflicting cues.

Our ability to perceive the length of the lines depends on the actual length of the line and the overall length of the figure. Since the total length of one figure is longer than the length of the lines themselves, it causes us to see the line with the outward-facing fins as longer.

Researchers from the University of London suggest that the illusion demonstrates how the brain reflexively judges information about length and size before anything else.

Dr. Michael Proulx explained that “many visual illusions might be so effective because they tap into how the human brain reflexively processes information. If an illusion can capture attention in this way, then this suggests that the brain processes these visual clues rapidly and unconsciously. This also suggests that perhaps optical illusions represent what our brains like to see.”

Does Everyone See the Müller-Lyer Illusion?

One of the interesting things about optical illusions, including the Müller-Lyer illusion, is that not everyone sees them the same way. 

Research has shown that people from different cultures have different perceptions of the Müller-Lyer illusion—and some people don’t seem to “fall” for it at all.  For example, in the early 20^th century, researchers discovered that indigenous people from the Murray Islands in Australia were less likely to see the lines as being different lengths than Europeans.

In the 1960s, researchers looking at how culture influences perception used the Müller-Lyer to show that people who live in places with more rectangular structures might be more susceptible to the illusion than people living in places that have fewer edges and straight lines.

Later studies that looked at people living in rural vs. more urban areas supported the idea that seeing a lot of these rectangular structures might affect how they perceived the Müller-Lyer illusion.

Other researchers challenged these ideas and showed that people living in cultures of all shapes and sizes responded to the illusion the same way. Instead, they thought that how much pigment people have in their eyes might play a role in how they perceive illusions.

And another cool thing? In 2021, Professor Susan Goldin-Meadow from the University of Chicago did a study using the Müller-Lyer illusion. The participants included English speakers and American Sign Language users, and they were asked to consider the illusion in different contexts—by just looking at it, by planning to describe it to someone else, or by gesturing like they were going to pick up the lines.

They found that people were more likely to see the illusion when they were only looking at it and less likely to “fall for it” when they were thinking about how to describe it or gesturing. 

When describing the study in a press release for the university, Goldin-Meadow said “the Müller-Lyer illusion has always fascinated me. And using it struck me as an ideal way to ask this question about where gestures come from. I thought they were tied to language because gestures and speech are so well integrated. But now we have evidence that gestures may also stem from action.” 

So, not only was the study a fascinating look at the illusion itself but it’s also a great example of how these tricks played on our eyes can help us learn more about our brains. 

Illusions Like Müller-Lyer

There are a few other optical illusions psychologists have studied that are similar to the Müller-Lyer illusion:

• Vertical-horizontal illusion. This illusion has participants judge the lengths of horizontal (side to side) and vertical (up and down) lines. The vertical line and horizontal line are connected, with the vertical line going up from the center of the horizontal line. Participants usually over or underestimate the length of the bisecting line—even when they’ve been told that the lines are exactly the same length!
• Ponzo Illusion: This illusion has two lines placed over a drawing of a railroad track. Participants are asked which line is longer, but the truth? They’re the same length! How is that so? It’s all about perspective—in this case, linear perspective. The line that appears to be farther away on the track looks longer, while the one that’s closer looks shorter.