Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Marriage is hard, and arguments are inevitable. When there is tension in your marriage, unspoken or unresolved hurts may build up and minor disagreements can easily escalate into full-blown fights. Everyone has their triggers, and our partners often have the ability to set us off in a way no other person can. But in healthy marriages, there is an understanding that you are in this together.

Still, when you are deeply hurt or angry, it can be tempting to consider cutting ties (or at least threaten it). The heat of the moment can bring out potent words—like “divorce”—we don’t really mean. But bringing up divorce to make your point, be heard, or try to get your partner to understand how upset you are is rarely a good idea.

Those threats can open doors you didn’t intend to open—and aren’t always easy to shut.

Thoughts vs. Threats

Occasionally thinking about what your life might be like without your partner is pretty normal and possibly benign, but threatening divorce is not. According to research, thoughts of divorce are quite common over the course of a marriage. One report found that half of all married couples between the ages of 25 and 50 reported having thoughts of divorce—voiced or unvoiced—either currently or in the past.

While such thoughts appear to be common, they aren’t necessarily damning or permanent, as many people choose to stay married. Many couples ebb and flow throughout their relationships but manage to weather their storms and stay together. Some may think about divorce but stay blissfully happy, while others hang on by a thread. In other cases, the marriage is beyond repair, and divorce is inevitable.

Why the D-Word Is Dangerous

It’s also important to remember that thinking about divorce and saying it are two very different things. Marriage is based on the presumption that you are both committed to the relationship, for better or for worse. When you threaten divorce, you upend the security of this agreement. Sometimes, if it is what you truly feel, it may be warranted to bring this up. But be careful if it’s not your true intention.

“During an argument, emotions are running wild, and lots of things are said that are ‘in the heat of the moment,’ but the threat of divorce should never be said,” advises psychologist and author Dr. Karen Sherman.

“Clearly, the idea of divorce is the ultimate abandonment and goes to the core of people’s attachment issues. So, even though it is only at the moment and not really meant, the threat has been put out there and is frightening,” explains Dr. Sherman.

Why People Threaten Divorce

There are a wide variety of reasons why people contemplate or threaten divorce. Sometimes, it happens due to repeated stress that gradually reaches a breaking point, or it might revolve around a sudden or looming conflict. Other people just tend toward passionate, stream-of-consciousness or no-holds-barred conversations. Others may enjoy the extreme emotional rollercoaster of high-stakes arguing.

Regardless of your relationship’s conversation style, there are many common threads that tend to tug couples toward the D-word. General reasons people threaten divorce include:

• Communication problems
• Feeling unheard or not listening to each other
• Financial problems
• Frequent arguments
• Infidelity
• Infrequent sex
• Not feeling supported, emotionally or practically (such as with housework)
• Not putting enough attention into your relationship
• Parenting conflicts
• Religious differences
• Substance use issues
• Unresolved issues

Possible Benefits

“Thoughts about a divorce can be a healthy wake-up call to work on a marriage,” explains Dr. Alan Hawkins, a professor of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Such thoughts might give you the incentive you need to address any problems in your relationship and work toward a solution. However, bringing divorce into the fold ups the stakes and can erode trust.

If you have recurring thoughts (or make threats) about divorce, be sure to address this with your partner and/or a couples counselor. The thought is in your mind for a reason, figuring out why and working through the various issues behind it is the best way to protect and strengthen your marriage. Brushing off these thoughts or threats is unlikely to make them go away or solve any underlying issues.

Impact on Your Marriage

Making the threat of divorce out loud is something that can’t be easily undone, and its impact is far more negative than just having the passing thought of separation. So why is making a divorce threat so damaging to a relationship? Some of the effects can include:

• Creating insecurity in a relationship. Threatening to leave if your partner does not do what you want makes your relationship less secure. It changes the dynamic of your arguments and assumptions, opening the door to a future apart. Your partner may start thinking about divorce as well.
• Making communication more difficult. Once you or your spouse has made that ultimate threat, it makes it that much harder to address the underlying issue. Your partner may become less likely to talk about problems or more likely to try to hide things from you in the future. It creates a fear of abandonment and honest communication that can be hard to shake.
• Making the conflict worse. Instead of directly addressing the problem and working to resolve or move past it, divorce threats tend to simply draw out the conflict. Compounding frustration and hurt with distrust and lack of security will only amplify the problem.

Paul DePompo, PsyD, board-certified cognitive behavioral therapist and author, explains, “A spouse should never use the D-word during an argument unless this is a serious consideration and is not being said in anger. The reason why it is harmful is that it opens up the door for divorce to be on the table.” 

He goes on to say, “This is traumatic in a sense because it brings the relationship from one that promises ”till death,’ to now to saying, ‘well maybe not-so-much’.” Dr. DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a “protective mode” rather than a “problem-solving mode.”

Relationship coach Chris Armstrong also advises against using the D-word during an argument. He explains that, first and foremost, the message gets lost. “When a spouse utters the dreaded D-word, whatever was said before or after can very often fade into the background.”

Armstrong contends that the spouse hearing this can get overwhelmed and “whatever outcome that was desired by the spouse who uttered it will likely not be achieved.” He also warns that if you get the spouse angry enough, they might even “call your bluff.”

Alternatives

Denise Limongello, LMSW, a Manhattan licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, concurs. She says, “The threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear.” Limongello and other experts have some tips for what couples should do instead of bringing up divorce. Their suggestions include the following:

Make a Contract

One possible technique is to make a pact with your spouse. “Creating a ground rule with your spouse that bans the D-word from your vocabulary can be a great way to contract safety with your partner,” says Limongello. She also advises, “Making ground rules of any kind that you can both stick to can be useful in building trust within your relationship.”

She also suggests, “Don’t ever threaten, as research shows that this leads to heightened levels of depression and anxiety, and can even affect blood pressure levels.” Limongello believes that making threats is not a healthy behavior in a loving relationship, and there are more constructive ways to get your needs met. 

Try Alternative Language

Divorce threats often stem from an inability to directly communicate the underlying problem. People might feel like they are not able to say that they are angry, hurt, or afraid. This leads them to leap directly to the ultimate weapon—the threat to end the relationship altogether.

When faced with difficult emotions or situations, people with this style of attachment may respond with fear or anger. However, it is important to know that one can learn to overcome this tendency to threaten and deal with the emotions behind it instead. Dr. Sherman suggests using alternative language to the D-word that can help to deescalate the situation.

What to Say Instead

In the heat of the moment, Dr. Sherman believes it is more productive to express your feelings in a different way, such as, “I’m so angry (or hurt) that a part of me feels like, even though I’d never do it, I don’t want to be with you anymore.” She says that this will let your spouse know that the feeling is transitory.

DePompo recommends that couples should be vulnerable instead of defensive by targeting “the real hurt or fear that they are feeling which is hiding under their anger.”

Some things you can say instead:

• “I am hurt because I feel like you are not really listening to what I am saying, and this keeps happening, and I am starting to feel alone.”
• “I am afraid that if we cannot problem-solve this, we are not going to be able to have the relationship that we both desire.”

Use the WAIT Principle

Armstrong recommends a coaching strategy called the “WAIT Principle” that helps the partner who stay on track with what they’re really trying to communicate. The goal is to ask themselves the following questions before threatening divorce:

• Have I looked at how it will land on my spouse?
• What is the desired outcome of putting the D-word on the table?
• Will it help me get to my desired outcome?
• Why am I thinking about divorce?
• What is really making me unhappy or upset?
• What do I need from my partner and our relationship that I’m not getting?

“Whenever you use the D-word in an argument, you are removing basic human needs. You are telling your spouse the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure,” says Armstrong. 

Dr. Heather Ehinger, a marriage and family therapist specializing in high-conflict relationships, believes that when couples threaten divorce, they are trying to get their needs met. While it’s productive to express your unhappiness, doing it by threatening divorce is ineffective. 

She advises couples to “take responsibility for yourself and examine what it is that you need that you are not getting.” Dr. Ehinger also says that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making it as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored.”

Consider Counseling

If you or your spouse have threatened divorce or are regularly having thoughts of divorce, it is time to take serious steps to figure out how to address the problem. Remember that not saying divorce out loud and just keeping your feelings inside won’t make them go away—and can cause harm to your marriage. Instead, try the strategies above. In addition, talking to a therapist may be a helpful step.

Marriage counseling can help couples who are coping with defensiveness, anger, infidelity, substance use, and other factors that can place a strain on your relationship. By seeking professional help, couples can improve communication and address the issues that are causing problems in their marriage.

The recovery model is a holistic, person-centered approach to mental health care. The model has quickly gained momentum and is becoming the standard model of mental health care. It is based on two simple premises:

1. It is possible to recover from a mental health condition.
2. The most effective recovery is patient-directed.

If you’re receiving mental health services or have a loved one with a mental health condition, knowing the basic tenets of this model can help you advocate for the best care.

The framework can give you language to use when describing gaps in service. Your input can be invaluable in helping mental health care providers shift toward the values outlined by this model.

The Recovery Model Suggests Recovery Is Possible

The hallmark principle of the recovery model of mental health is the belief that people can recover from mental illness to lead full, satisfying lives. Until the mid-1970s, many practitioners believed that patients with mental health conditions were doomed to live with their illness forever and would not be able to contribute to society.

This belief particularly affected people with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and bipolar disorder, which are serious psychotic and mood disorders. However, several long-term studies from several countries, published in the mid-70s, demonstrated that this notion that people with these conditions could never recover was false.

The recovery model is also used in occupational therapy, a treatment type for both physical and mental health that focuses on the “client-provider partnership” and allows clients to choose what works best for their recovery.

You will also see elements of the recovery model in social work theory, where values such as client well-being and self-determination (the ability to make choices for themselves) are emphasized.

The Recovery Model Is Patient-Directed

Often, sound evidence is not enough to change systems. It took two decades for this basic belief to gain traction in the medical community. The change came about largely through patients advocating to be involved in their own treatment.

Patients also began showing, through lived experience, that given the proper supports, they could live active lives in their communities. The history of the movement reflects the second basic pillar of the recovery model: The most lasting change happens when the patient directs it.

When working in the recovery model, clinicians recognize and respect the fact that patients are the experts in their own lives, and they know what will be best for them and their success. Mental health professionals who use the recovery model listen to their patients and incorporate their wishes, needs, and beliefs into their care.

Characteristics of the Recovery Model

The recovery model of mental health takes a holistic view of a person’s life. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) defines recovery from mental disorders and/or substance use disorders as “a process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.”

SAMHSA outlines four dimensions that support recovery:

• Health: In order to manage or recover from mental illness, people must make choices that support both their physical and mental well-being.
• Home: People need a safe and stable place to live.
• Purpose: Meaningful daily routines such as school, work, family, and community participation are important during the recovery process and for maintaining wellness.
• Community: Supportive social relationships provide people with the love, emotional availability, and respect that they need to survive and thrive.

In particular, the recovery model of mental health stresses the importance of connectedness and social support. When people have supportive relationships that offer unconditional love, they are better able to cope with the symptoms of their illness and work toward recovery.

Psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, and other health professionals can provide such support to a certain degree, but connections offered by friends, family, and other peers are also critical. Support groups and community organizations can help fulfill this need as well.

The National Push for Recovery

By 2003, individuals who had been advocating for recovery-based care found their work paying off. A mental health commission appointed by President George W. Bush gave the final report of its work and made recovery-based care a national priority. This final report was ambitious. It envisioned a future that focused on the prevention, early detection, and cure of mental illness.

Today, the concept of the recovery model is familiar to most mental health practitioners. But individuals are still working out how to design programs and treatments based on these principles.

For an in-depth look at the recovery model, the American Psychological Association has 15 learning modules that are accessible to the public. The topics range from a broad overview of the recovery model to ways it is being implemented in practice. 

The Recovery Model vs. the Medical Model

The recovery model of mental illness is often contrasted against what is known as the medical model. The medical model posits that mental disorders have physiological causes, so the focus is often on the use of medications for treatment.

The medical model ensures that biological causes are fully addressed and that people receive the medication-based treatments that they need, while the recovery model ensures that patients are able to be directly involved in their own treatment.

The medical model is rooted in using treatments that are based on empirical research. The recovery model offers the personal empowerment and peer support that people need to cope with their illness and work toward getting better. A number of programs, including the Wellness Recovery Action Plan and the NAMI Family-to-Family program, incorporate both models and have research to back their effectiveness.

Limitations of the Recovery Model

While there are benefits to creating a unique healing program based on someone’s subjective experience of their illness, there are potential drawbacks to using the recovery model.

In addition, some mental health conditions make it more difficult for a person to participate in guiding their own treatment plan. For instance, some people experiencing psychosis or mania may not view themselves as having a mental illness at all. Or, they might recognize that something needs to change, but are scared of doing so in case things become worse for them instead of better.

In other circumstances, a person’s symptoms might be so distressing that they require immediate medical attention. In this situation, the person experiencing mental illness cannot contribute to or make suggestions for their healthcare plan until their symptoms are addressed.

Our default question when we bump into someone—whether a new acquaintance, an old friend, or a steadfast partner—is, “How are you?” It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask and considered polite protocol, but it’s not exactly the best way to engage someone to open up on a deeper level. Not just because it’s a boring, expected question, but because it comes with a boring, expected answer: “I’m good.”

“We [often] resort to small talk because it’s socially safe, helps maintain norms, and avoids the vulnerability or discomfort that deeper conversations may bring,” says Charles Sweet, PsyD, a psychiatrist and advisor at Linear Health. So, how do we break out of this cycle? 

Questions for Someone You’ve Just Met

1. What’s your connection to [this event/the host/this location]?
2. What do you think about the music/vibe here?
3. Did you come with anyone, and who are you hoping to meet? (i.e. business contacts, new friends, etc.)
4. Have you been here before, and what inspired you to attend?
5. How’d you find yourself here today?
6. What did you think about [specific part of the event, such as a speech, performance, or activity]?
7. What do you usually order/do here?
8. How’d you find out about this [place/event]?
9. Have you met anyone here that you thought was especially unique or interesting?
10. Any big plans for later in the day/tomorrow?

What To Ask Someone You Already Know  

1. What’s been going on since the last time we met up?
2. Whatever happened with [XYZ thing they brought up last time]?
3. Have you experienced anything new that’s impacted who you are lately?
4. Anything exciting going on in your life?
5. Have you learned or discovered anything cool lately?
6. What are you most excited about in life right now?
7. Have any new goals or plans you’re working on?
8. Read/watched anything good since we last met up?
9. How is [person important to them] doing?
10. What’s a rose (good thing) and a thorn (bad thing) happening in your life right now?

Questions To Get Deeper With Someone You’ve Known a Long Time 

1. What’s been on your mind and heart lately?
2. How are you really doing? Is there anything I can do to support you right now?
3. How have you been doing with [challenge/goal]?
4. How have you been spending your time, and what have you been investing your energy into lately?
5. What are you looking forward to today/this week/this weekend?
6. How’s it going with [person important to them]?
7. Is there anything you’ve wanted to talk about with me lately?
8. What was your high and low today?
9. Any major life or work updates?
10. Is there anything you’d like to share that you’re proud of that I can celebrate with you?

Why Are Meaningful Conversations So Important?

Deeper conversations help us build intimacy, trust, and emotional validation. 

“By opening up about our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, we create a bridge that invites the other person to do the same,” explains Rachel Marmor, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor based in South Florida. “It’s not about oversharing, but about offering glimpses of our true selves, which encourages others to lower their defenses and share what’s real for them.”

A 2018 study also found that being more connected with others comes with a slew of benefits, including improved self-esteem, better life satisfaction, and a sense of belonging.

“When we ask more personalized and specific questions, we can strengthen our connections by showing a genuine interest in getting to know each other,” adds Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, founder of Take Root Therapy. “Personalized questions also encourage authentic communication, where both parties can express their true thoughts and feelings.”

She adds that these deeper conversations provide opportunities to gain new perspectives, offering insights into different life experiences, values, and ideas.

Key Steps for Connecting With Others

It’s one thing to have a list of questions to ask someone besides “how are you.” It’s another to take that conversational stepping stone and truly connect with other people. Here are four steps you can take to have a more meaningful conversation.

1. Build Trust

Sharing about ourselves first is an effective way to naturally deepen relationships, build trust, and move us beyond superficial niceties.

“When we take the first step and are willing to share more about how we are actually feeling and what’s really on our minds, we allow the person we are speaking with to do the same,” notes Lurie. “It’s a way to signal that we want to have a more honest and in-depth conversation and can serve as an invitation for the other person to do the same.”

2. Actively Listen

All meaningful conversations require a good balance of listening and sharing. Nobody wants to hang with someone who talks at them or doesn’t really seem to care about what’s being discussed.

“Active listening is the cornerstone of meaningful engagement,” Marmor says. “It requires us to be fully present, setting aside distractions and tuning in not just to the words, but to the emotions, the pauses, and the unspoken messages.” This is where the magic of true connection happens—when both people feel understood and valued. 

3. Show Genuine Curiosity 

It’s one thing to listen and respond, but being sincerely curious about the other person is going to create an innate sense of trust and connectedness, says Kimberly Best, RN, a dispute resolution expert at Best Conflict Solutions. 

“This is where conversations can really come alive,” she says. “When someone shares a detail about their life, follow up on it. If they mention a new hobby, ask what drew them to it. If they talk about a challenge they’re facing, express interest in how they’re approaching it. Be open to learning something new from each interaction.”

4. Create a Safe Space

Finally, creating a safe and supportive environment is essential. “People open up when they feel safe, when they know their thoughts and feelings will be met with kindness and without judgment,” Marmor says. “In this space, even silence can be powerful. Reflective pauses allow for thought, for the conversation to breathe, and for both people to connect in a way that words alone cannot achieve.”

Do all these things and you’ll find yourself in a place where real connection lives and where relationships go deeper and feel more satisfying. 

Unconditional positive regard is a term coined by humanist psychologist Carl Rogers to describe a technique used in his non-directive, client-centered therapy.

According to Rogers, unconditional positive regard involves showing complete support and acceptance of a person, no matter what that person says or does.

The therapist accepts and supports the client, no matter what they say or do, placing no conditions on this acceptance. That means the therapist supports the client whether they are expressing and experiencing “good” behaviors and emotions or “bad” ones.

This article discusses what unconditional positive regard means, the effects it can have, and how it is utilized in therapy to bring about positive change.

What Is Unconditional Positive Regard?

Carl Rogers referred to an attitude of total acceptance toward another person as unconditional positive regard. He believed it was an essential part of the therapeutic process and that it could improve the lives of people experiencing psychological distress.

“It means caring for the client, but not in a possessive way or in such a way as simply to satisfy the therapist’s own needs,” explained in Rogers in a 1957 article published in the Journal of Consulting Psychology. “It means caring for the client as a separate person, with permission to have his own feelings, his own experiences.”

When people offer unconditional positive regard, whether it comes from a therapist or other people who are part of a person’s social support network, it plays a role in nurturing that individual’s growth. It conveys to people that they will be granted grace and acceptance, even in the face of their mistakes and failures.

The result, Rogers believed, was that people then become able to be their authentic selves and reveal their deepest fears or secrets, while being met with acceptance.

Unconditional positive regard is a hallmark of healthy relationships, including those between romantic partners, friends, and family members as well as a therapist and their client. It allows people the comfort and freedom to safely be themselves without fearing rejection or the loss of other people’s love.

Unconditional Positive Regard and Self-Worth

Rogers believed that people have a need for both self-worth and positive regard for other people. How people think about themselves and how they value themselves plays a major role in well-being.

During the early years, children hopefully learn that they are loved and accepted by their parents and other family members, which contributes to feelings of confidence and self-worth. Unconditional positive regard from caregivers during the early years of life can help contribute to feelings of self-worth as people grow older.

As people age, other people’s regard plays more of a role in shaping a person’s self-image. This includes regard from friends, family members, romantic partners, and other people who make up their social circle.

Impact of Lack of Unconditional Positive Regard

Rogers believed that when people experience conditional positive regard, where approval hinges solely on the individual’s actions, incongruence may occur. Incongruence happens when a person’s vision of their ideal self is out of step with what they experience in real life.

Congruent individuals will have a lot of overlap between their self-image and their notion of their ideal self. An incongruent individual will have little overlap between their self-image and ideal self.

Rogers also believed that receiving unconditional positive regard could help people become congruent once more. By providing unconditional positive regard to their clients, therapists can help people align their ideal selves with how they actually experience themselves in their lives, helping them recognize their good qualities and not judge themselves for mistakes or failings. This can therefore help them achieve better psychological well-being.

How Unconditional Positive Regard Works

Is it really possible for therapists to offer unconditional positive regard to each and every client? Many suggest that the answer is no. However, some experts suggest that it is possible for therapists to try to feel such regard toward their clients.

It is also important to note that such acceptance does not constitute permissiveness or an endorsement of all behaviors. Natalie Rogers, the daughter of Carl Rogers, later explained that her father believed that while any thoughts and feelings are okay, not all behaviors are acceptable.

Challenges of Showing Unconditional Positive Regard

While unconditional positive regard is a cornerstone of client-centered therapy, it isn’t always easy to put into practice. Imagine a situation in which a therapist is working with a sex offender. In their book, “Counseling and Psychotherapy Theories in Context and Practice,” Sommers-Flanagan offers some advice to practitioners who encounter such difficult situations.

Rather than focusing on the behaviors themselves, the authors recommend seeking positive regard for the suffering and fears that such behaviors might represent.

“Rogers firmly believed every person was born with the potential to develop in positive, loving ways,” they suggest. “When doing person-centered therapy, you become their next chance, maybe their last chance, to be welcomed, understood, and accepted. Your acceptance may create the conditions needed for change.”

Traumatic events are scary, dangerous, or shocking experiences that affect us physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or socially. Examples of traumatic events include natural disasters, wars, terrorist attacks, mass shootings, serious illnesses, car accidents, workplace accidents, rape, abuse, and other experiences that affect our sense of well-being.

Trauma affects us in various ways. In the short term, it can cause emotional reactions such as terror, confusion, shock, isolation, and dissociation, whereas in the long run, it can affect our behavior, mental state, and ability to function.

Trauma can also put the body in a state of stress and causes physical symptoms such as a racing heartbeat, headaches, nausea, digestive difficulties, poor sleep quality, and a tendency to startle easily.

Unresolved trauma causes the person to experience disruptive physical and emotional reactions in the present as their body and mind continue to defend against a threat that belongs in the past, Dr. Zackson explains.

This article explores the symptoms, causes, diagnosis, and treatment of unresolved trauma.

Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma

These are some of the common symptoms of unresolved trauma, according to Dr. Zackson:

• Hypervigilance and inability to let one’s guard down
• Lack of trust and difficulty opening up to other people
• Dissociation and a persistent feeling of numbness
• Control issues, to overcompensate for feeling helpless during the traumatic incident
• Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness
• Anger issues and difficulty regulating emotions
• High blood pressure and cortisol levels
• Sleep difficulties, including insomnia and nightmares
• Headaches, nausea, sweating, or digestive issues
• Tightness in the chest or a pit in the stomach
• Somatic preoccupation (excessive focus and extreme distress about physical symptoms)
• Bodily memories that cause physical flashbacks of the sensations, smell, taste, pain, and pressure of the traumatic experience
• Mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, substance use disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Causes of Unresolved Trauma

Unresolved trauma occurs when the person has experienced an overwhelming event—or series of events—outside their brain’s window of tolerance, Dr. Zackson explains. “The survivor protects themselves from the pain by repressing and avoiding the disturbing emotions and trying to get over the trauma by pushing it down.”

Impact of Unresolved Trauma

Unresolved trauma can cause the person to feel threatened long after the incident occurs, according to Dr. Zackson. “Every new experience is tainted by the past, as if the trauma is still happening.”

Even positive gestures from an intimate partner, family members, friends, colleagues, or passersby on the street may be interpreted as hostile or threatening because the brain perceives threats in benign circumstances as well, Dr. Zackson explains.

“Essentially, the survivor’s energy is geared toward remaining in control at the cost of living a spontaneous and enjoyable life. The impact can be broken relationships, stalled careers, substance use, and other physical and emotional symptoms,” says Dr. Zackson.

Diagnosing Unresolved Trauma

According to Dr. Zackson, diagnosing unresolved trauma requires an in-depth assessment by a skilled clinician who will evaluate the person’s:

• Symptoms
• Past experiences
• Medical history
• Coping skills
• Internal and external resources

A thorough assessment is essential as individuals with unresolved trauma could be misdiagnosed with depression, anxiety, or adjustment disorder when their symptoms may be better explained by the unresolved trauma, says Dr. Zackson.

Treating Unresolved Trauma

Treating unresolved trauma is important, because without treatment and healthy coping skills, it’s likely that it will never be fully resolved.

Below, Dr. Zackson outlines the therapeutic process of treating unresolved trauma and the different forms of therapy that may be helpful.

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Therapeutic Process

Treatment for unresolved trauma begins with creating a safe and nurturing environment where the survivor feels safe enough to process the trauma that has been repressed and pushed into the ‘black box’. 

The clinician carefully and safely opens this ‘box,’ allowing patients to become aware of their experiences. The clinician works with the patient to develop a perspective on and integrate their inner experiences into their life.

Types of Therapy

According to Dr. Zackson, these are some forms of therapy, ideally conducted by experienced trauma specialists, that can help treat unresolved trauma:

Listening to music isn’t just a fun hobby or enjoyable way to pass the time. Evidence suggests that it can help people with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) to improve focus and general well-being.

Music can improve emotional regulation, self-development, and relaxation, but that’s not all. Research has also shown that music can help decrease inattention, reduce negative mood, and promote reading comprehension for those with ADHD.

Many people with ADHD gravitate to instrumental music because it generally has a very structured rhythm that helps people focus. Because instrumental music doesn’t have worse, many find it less distracting. Other kinds of music with consistent and repetitive rhythm patterns, like electronic music, may also be helpful. 

Benefits of ADHD Music

Many people with ADHD typically have dopamine deficits. That means they need dopamine to get work done. Music can provide that much-needed hit of dopamine so they can focus their attention and get things done.

Music may also help improve mood in people with ADHD. Research shows that music significantly reduced sadness and hopelessness. (The good news: it also helped people who *don’t* have ADHD!)

It has also been found that keeping a stable rhythm and musical beat can be calming. This helps with a sense of security and stability that can lead to emotional well-being and regulation of stress hormones—something people with ADHD may have a hard time doing.

The Load Theory of Select Attention

A concept called the load theory of select attention states that maintaining attention in a given circumstance depends on the balance between late-stage attention and early-stage attention.

Early-selection attention involves deliberately concentrating your focus on something; late-selection attention involves being “directed involuntarily” (i.e., distracted) to something.

In people without ADHD, however, there is no need to redirect that late-selection attention. In fact, this may actually create a distraction for them, diverting resources from the earlier-selection stimuli.

Types of ADHD Music

Just as music in general can be such a personal preference, so can music for ADHD. While many people prefer to listen to music without words to focus, it may work for others. 

Similarly, “for some, it can come down to familiar music versus unfamiliar—which may also vary by person,” says Barkholtz. 

Here are some types of music you might want to check out to help you focus if you have ADHD, and why.

Binaural Beats

Binaural beats work by stimulating both sides of the brain, forcing them to work together to communicate with each other to create the singular wave that is sensed by your awareness.

If you are searching for binaural beat music on your own, you can usually just search something like “binaural beats for ADHD,” but if you are looking for something more specific, you’ll want to look at music in the Alpha frequency (9-13Hz).

Rock Music

Though it may be hard to believe, rock music has been proven to help people with ADHD improve their rates of task completion. Rock music can also help with hyperactivity because the repetitive beat reduces the muscle tension common in those with ADHD. 

Classical Music

One reason classical music may help those with ADHD is that it increases arousal and puts brains in the alpha state, which leads to improved cognitive performance. Mozart, in particular, has been proven to help.

Lo-Fi

With its predictability and steady rhythm, lo-fi music helps the frontal brain lobe focus by reducing outside distractions.

It has been shown to increase memory recall, and the quality of the music can almost be described as white noise. Many playlists exist specifically meant for studying or working. 

Listen to this music style on YouTube.

Or, You Can Listen to Whatever You Want

Ultimately, just because a study says that a certain type of music helps concentration doesn’t mean that it’s the only type of music that can feel helpful—or even enjoyable—to you.