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Among the chronically ill community, the Spoon Theory is a well-known concept. Originally developed by Christine Miserandino of ButYouDontLookSick.com, Spoon Theory is an analogy to describe what it is like to live with a chronic illness, having to manage pain, fatigue, and other barriers that the able-bodied community often does not have to think about.

While other disabled communities reference Spoon Theory, it was initially developed to describe the experience of living with chronic illness. Disabled individuals, their loved ones, and their caretakers can benefit from understanding Spoon Theory as a way to conceptualize these challenges.

Learn more about what defines the Spoon Theory and the experiences of “Spoonies,” or those who use Spoon Theory to conceptualize, cope with, and understand the challenges that come with their disability.

What Is Spoon Theory?

In her original article defining Spoon Theory, Christine Miseradino states: “Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something [for her] to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a ‘loss’ of a life they once knew.”

Essentially, a healthy person has an unlimited (or seemingly unlimited) supply of spoons that they can tap into throughout the day. A disabled person, on the other hand, has a limited amount of spoons or energy. Running out of spoons could mean that there is no energy left for any other tasks, so it is important to ration spoons and ensure that there are enough remaining for essential tasks. For example, I may have enough spoons to cook a meal and feed myself, but not have enough left over to clean up.

Andrea has a chronic illness and shares that “[Spoon Theory] makes it easier to tell people what my limits are. I can’t always describe what’s happening and what I’m feeling, especially during a pain flare, but my partner knows what ‘I’m out of spoons’ means.”

Emma lives with chronic illness as well and learned about Spoon Theory before receiving some of their diagnoses. “[Spoon Theory] is a very helpful way for me to explain myself and to others my inconsistent and changeable energy levels,” Emma shares.

The Impact of Spoon Theory

Many Spoonies report that Spoon Theory helps them to articulate their disability-related needs in easy-to-understand terms. The abled community may not understand how chronic illness can limit one’s energy or how those limitations can vary from day to day. The Spoon Theory analogy is simple and easy to grasp and raises awareness about disabled communities.

Andrea says that Spoon Theory helps her be more self-compassionate: “It’s not that I’m not trying hard enough. I’m out of spoons, and it’s not my fault.”

Allen, who also has a chronic illness, shares that Spoon Theory helps him explain his needs to abled people. He noted that he sometimes explains his spoons as “spell slots” with members of his Dungeons and Dragons group. He says, “I’ll tell my friends I’m all out of spell slots and need a long rest. They understand this best of all.”

Additionally, the Spoonie community can unite under the common experience of functioning with limited spoons. Because disability can be highly isolating, fostering connection and community is important. Awareness, recognition, and community can be essential to Spoonies’ quality of life, and this connection can be highly emotional and validating.

Life as a Spoonie

Living with chronic illness comes with challenges. Not only do Spoonies experience difficulties related to their illness, but many experience mistreatment, invalidation, and other harmful experiences at the hands of the medical system. This can further drain already limited energy.

Spoonies have to be aware of their energy levels and needs. Emma states that they have to attend to their fluctuating levels and identify patterns to predict their needs. They note, “If I know I have something coming up that’s going to take a lot of spoons, I make sure that I have very little scheduled for the next two or three days to ensure I can rest as much as I need. If I have a sudden drop in energy, I will cancel other commitments and shorten ones that I can’t cancel.”

Additionally, Emma notes a history of burning out every few years due to going beyond their limits. They state that this interfered with their ability to keep employment because, during burnout, “I simply couldn’t do anything.”

Allen shares that he tries to focus on what is “most urgent” and “lean[s] into ADHD” to self-motivate. He states, “I rest when I no longer have a choice and have started accruing points of exhaustion. It’s challenging being so limited in a society which expects so much from individuals.”

Resources for Spoonies

Community and connection are essential for any group. Unfortunately, many community events and public spaces are not accessible to disabled people. Additionally, many in the Spoonie community are at high risk for illnesses including COVID-19, and decreased precautions and a rise in mask bans make in-person interaction impossible. Those with decision-making power in the community can push for accessible, safe public spaces for Spoonies.

Meanwhile, many online communities have emerged for Spoonies. These include:

• #SpoonieChat on Twitter/X. Spoonie Chat is a Twitter community to unite Spoonies and create space to discuss topics important to the community.
• Disabled Voices Feed on Mastodon. @disabledvoices.newsmast.community is a Mastodon feed that elevates Fediverse posts about disabilities by boosting these posts. Individuals can follow the feed to connect with others talking about their experiences.
• #NEISVoid and #ChronicIllness on BlueSky. NEIS stands for No End In Sight. NEIS Void and Chronic Illness are two curated feeds on BlueSky created for the chronic illness community.
• Spoonie Community Groups on Facebook. Facebook has dozens of groups by and for the Spoonie community. There are general groups open to all Spoonies, as well as specific groups for Spoonies that share an interest, job, or other aspect of their identity.
• r/Spoonie on Reddit. Reddit has countless communities, including one specifically for Spoonies who want to connect with their community.

Some Spoonies use visual aids like Spoonie Pins to represent their current capacity and energy levels. This can make it immediately clear to their loved ones how much capacity they have in the present moment.

Supporting a Spoonie

If you are not a Spoonie, but your loved one is, listen to them and the Spoonie community. Many living with chronic illness have stories of being invalidated, told they are exaggerating or faking, or otherwise not believed. When someone communicates that they are approaching their limit, believe them. When someone expresses their support needs, take them at their word and do what you can to help them get those needs met.

Different people feel supported in different ways. Ask your loved one what they need from you. Some might want help self-advocating with the health system, and some might not. Ask, listen, and respect the response, and do your best to be a good ally.

If you were raised by emotionally immature parents who seemed more like kids than adults, would easily fly off the handle, or who just seemed less than equipped to be parents, you are far from alone. This is, unfortunately, a familiar experience to many of us (*raises hand!*), and one that deserves care and attention.

What does it mean to be emotionally immature, exactly? Basically, we all have emotions—that’s part of being human—and ideally we can manage and control our emotions so that they don’t get the better of us. On the flip side, some of us may lack the appropriate tools to handle those emotions; instead, we might react without emotional restraint or control.

“Emotional immaturity in parents can be defined as a lack of emotional self-awareness and empathy,” says Lea McMahon LCP, EdD, chief clinical officer at Symetria Recovery. “Simply put, these individuals place an emphasis on their own needs over their child, they do not know how to communicate effectively, and often they exhibit unpredictable behavior.”

Personally, although my parents were loving in many ways, they often acted like children, and I often felt like the only adult in my family. This created a level of stress and trauma I’m still recovering from. What I’ve learned along the way is that there are many of us who have been impacted by emotionally immature parents, and the effects of being raised this way can be long-lasting. But I’ve also learned that there is hope.

Here, we’ll take a close look at the signs and impacts of being raised by emotionally immature parents, as well as some concrete ways to heal, grow, and become more resilient. We’ll also look at ways of creating more meaningful relationships in your adult life.

Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents

Many of us suspect that we were raised by emotionally immature parents, but aren’t quite sure our parents meet the definition. It’s common to feel confused and be filled with self-doubt about this. So, how do you know that your parents exhibited signs of emotional immaturity?

Brooke Keels, PhD, LPC, chief clinical officer at Lighthouse Recovery, says that the following are signs of emotionally immature parents:

• The parent struggled to manage their feelings and behaviors
• They reacted strongly or irrationally to situations, rather than responding calming
• They often put their own feels first, instead of considering their children’s feelings
• They were generally over-controlled by their emotions
• They may have frequently thrown temper tantrums
• They relied on their children for emotional support, instead of providing to their children

Below are some other signs that you may recognize.

Lack of Support

When you are raised by an immature parent, you may experience a general lack of support, especially during difficult times. Dr. Keels gives the example of a situation where you are a kid coming home from school after a rough day.

“Instead of comforting you and talking it out, your parents might react dramatically, turning the focus onto their own feelings of stress or frustration,” she says. “They might say things like, ‘You think your day was bad? You have no idea what I’m dealing with!’”

Instead of supporting you, your parents end up leaving you feeling unheard and unsupported, which can lead to difficulty expressing emotions and seeking support down the road, Dr. Keels says.

Lack of Boundaries

Another sign of an emotionally immature parent is a notable lack of boundaries. Because emotionally immature parents tend to think everything that happens is about them, they often feel entitled to invade their kids’ privacy or manipulate situations in their favor, Dr. Keels says.

“For example, a parent might read their child’s diary without permission or guilt them into doing something they don’t want to do by using emotional manipulation tactics like guilt-tripping or playing the victim,” she describes. “They think they have the right to control their child’s life since they are the parent, but in reality, this behavior can eventually lead to resentment and strain in the relationship.”

Impact of Growing Up With Emotionally Immature Parents

You might be wondering if some of the challenges you deal with in your life now might have been triggered by growing up with emotionally immature parents. It’s totally possible, because being raised this way can have strong and lasting impacts on how you handle emotions and how you interact with others.

“If you were raised by an emotionally immature parent you might be someone who feels things very deeply and pays a lot of attention to emotions,” says Heather Stevenson, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “You might be highly perceptive to the emotional state of others, as well as your own unmet emotional needs.”

Other potential impacts include low self-esteem, the development of co-dependency issues, being a chronic people-pleaser, and having trouble seeking emotional support from others.

Dr. Stevenson says that there are two common responses she often sees in people who were raised by emotionally immature parents:

• Internalizing emotional coping, which means that you believe that you need to be fixed in some way in order to receive the love and care that you crave.
• Externalizing emotional coping, which means that you tend to act out with anger or conflicts in relationships when things go wrong.

Dr. McMahon explains that children raised by emotionally immature parents “often internalize these dysfunctional patterns which can lead to a distorted perspective of what a healthy relationship and communication should look like.” As Dr. McMahon describes, other lasting impacts of being raised by emotionally immature parents may include:

• Difficulty setting personal boundaries
• A constant need for validation
• Fear of abandonment
• Difficulty expressing your emotions freely
• Unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms, including using substances to numb feelings and escape reality

Understanding the Root Causes of Emotional Immaturity in Parents

It’s common to wonder how our parents go this way. What are the causes of emotional immaturity in parents? Understanding this better can help us make sense of our childhood a little better, though it doesn’t necessarily absolve our parents of the negative impacts they had on us.

Often, parents develop emotional immaturity as a result of their own upbringings. “They could have had emotional neglect or trauma in their background with caregivers and thus were unable to develop healthy emotional maturity,” Dr. Stevenson says.

Dr. Keels agrees, explaining that many times, they simply were taught unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms by their own parents. “If they weren’t taught how to handle their emotions correctly when they were kids, they might carry those patterns into their adult life,” she explains.

These unhealthy coping mechanisms can make it difficult for these folks to manage their feelings as life presents challenges in adulthood, leading to mental health issues or an inability to handle stress. Adults who are emotionally immature don’t gain experience to deal with the common challenges that come up in life, Dr. Keels says.

Healing and Coping Strategies for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Maybe the most important thing to remember is that healing from emotionally mature parents is possible. You can feel better, reclaim yourself, and develop the tools to live as a resilient, emotionally capable adult.

Healing also means letting go of the fantasy that you are to blame in any way for your parents’ behavior, or that changing your behavior would somehow make your parents more emotionally responsive. Dr. Stevenson shared her own experience with emotionally immature parents as an illustration:

“While I had known for a while that my mother struggled with emotional capacity and would shut down any emotional conversations, I still couldn’t let go of the idea that maybe one day she would change if I kept trying to help her manage her emotions,” Dr. Stevenson says. “In order to finally move on, I had to come to terms with the fact that she would not likely ever change and that if I accepted her at face value, we could begin to navigate a different kind of relationship that involves less phone contact and less effort on my part to connect.”

Dr. Stevenson says that although it’s been hard to let go of parts of her relationship with her mother, she’s also noticed that she has more space and freedom to pay attention to her own emotional needs and to connect in relationships that serve her more.

Therapy

Psychotherapy can be an essential component for healing from emotionally immature parents. Dr. Stevenson says that therapy can help you work through the pain and confusion that can be caused by these dynamics.

“One of the biggest pieces I see in clients in my practice with this history is learning that they are not the problem nor are they responsible for someone else’s emotions,” she describes. “We focus a lot on re-building self-worth and self-esteem so they can start to have healthier relationships with others from a place of feeling whole and worthy.”

Building Healthy Relationships as an Adult

Growing up with unhealthy parents can make forming relationships with others difficult, simply because you were never taught healthy relationship dynamics. But it’s possible to learn to build healthier relationships as an adult.

“This requires a great deal of self-reflection, self-awareness, and perhaps therapy or support groups,” says Dr. Keels. “It may take time and effort to break old patterns and create healthier ones, but it is possible with dedication and a willingness to learn and grow.”

What does this involve? According to Dr. Keels, building healthy relationships as an adult may require you to:

• Recognize unhealthy patterns that you may have picked up from your parents—patterns you may repeat unconsciously in your grown-up relationships.
• Recognize your own triggers, fears, and insecurities that may have stemmed from your upbringing.
• Learn how to set and maintain health boundaries in your relationships.
• Work on communicating your needs, wants, and limits while also respecting others’ needs, wants and limits.

Resources for Further Support and Learning

Dr. Stevenson shares that she made the connection that she’d been raised by emotionally immature parents when she read a book by psychologists Lindsey Gibson, who coined the term “emotionally immature parents.”

“I saw so much of myself and my mother in particular in her words,” Dr. Stevenson says. She recommends the following books by Gibson to her clients:

A Loving Support System

Besides therapy, Dr. Keels emphasizes the importance of having a loving support system as you navigate the healing process. “Growing up with emotionally immature parents can leave you feeling alone, misunderstood, and unsupported,” she says. “But as an adult, you have the opportunity to create your own chosen family of supportive friends and loved ones who can provide the love and understanding that may have been missing in your upbringing.”

She suggests surrounding yourself with people who understand you and accept you for how you are. “They can fill the void of emotional support that you may have been lacking from your parents,” Dr. Keels says.

The Bottom Line

Being raised by emotionally immature parents can have deep and lasting impacts on us, making it difficult to deal with our own emotions or enter into meaningful emotional relationships with others. We also might develop our own issues with emotional immaturity. But it’s possible to break the cycle. Please reach out to a licensed mental health support person for help as you work on healing from emotionally immature parents.