Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

They’re the last person you text before you go to sleep and the first you hope to hear from in the morning. You’re giddy whenever you see a text message from them and nervous when you’re hanging out IRL. You’re worried about coming on too strong, ruining the delicate connection you’re building, and oversharing. Infatuation can be quite a drug and in the talking stage of dating, it’s what you’re constantly hopped up on. 

The talking stage of dating refers to those early days of intense infatuation when you’re getting to know someone before possibly entering a committed relationship. The label is often used colloquially and in pop culture to describe those undefined moments in a budding relationship.

While the talking stage can be exhilarating for a time, it often can be filled with dread. You’re still getting to know each other and you’re desperately trying not to give (or get) the ick. Not to mention, the threat of being ghosted is thick. Think of the talking stage like the trial period of dating—there’s no guarantee things will progress forward and that shaky ground can be hard for many folks.

What Even Is the Talking Stage?

You know the talking stage if you’re in it. It is the are we, aren’t we era of dating. I’m a therapist and I hear from folks navigating the talking stage often. Typically, they’re in that stage for a few months—around three to four, specifically. Any sooner than that and folks run the risk of jumping into a new relationship when they’re not quite ready.

Alternatively, staying in this phase of dating for a long might stall your future goals related to romantic partnerships like marriage or children. Or, even worse, you’ll realize you’ve been in a years-long situationship later on down the road. 

Why The Talking Stage Matters

Here’s the thing: the talking stage may be uncomfortable but it’s really important. It allows time for you and the person you’re dating to get to know each other. Anticipation and excitement around the relationship can build as you two cultivate your connection through talking. Your dealbreakers, nonnegotiables, and commonalities become conversation fodder. It is also important to pace yourself when getting to know someone. Rushing into relationships can leave you vulnerable and attached to someone who might not be the right fit. 

How Do You Know If You’re In the Talking Phase?

You’re in the talking stage if you’re casually dating—going on dates, meeting each other’s friends, maybe even having sex—but aren’t in a defined relationship. This stage is typically what preludes the what are we talk. Communication is usually heavily dependent upon text, though sometimes people will FaceTime or talk on the phone. Even if you’re hanging out in person, deep vulnerable talks may not be happening IRL yet because it feels too vulnerable. 

When you’re in the talking stage, boundaries aren’t very clear. You might feel it is important to continue going on dates with other folks to keep your options open. Or, you may feel like you don’t want to give anyone else your attention, and that alone can spike some fear. Regardless of where you land, you might feel some dating anxiety about what is to come. 

So You’re Talking…Now What?

Look, the talking stage can bring about *so* much anxiety because everything is super unclear and undefined. But there are ways to soothe those understandable nerves—here’s how.

Know If The Talking Stage Is Going Well

Not having a relationship title can definitely be nerve-wracking but you can feel a teensy bit better knowing the talking stage is going well. A good talking stage means an official relationship may be on the way. Some signs of a good talking stage include:

• Consistent and fun communication with eventual plans being made
• Your texts are answered promptly (unless there’s a communicated reason for otherwise, like the person you’re texting being at work)
• You two have plenty of things in common and conversation seems to flow with ease
• The chemistry is present over text and when you’re together in person
• Both parties are on the same page about the future of the relationship

When The Talking Stage Isn’t Going Well

Ways you can tell the talking stage isn’t going too well? You might be waiting for responses to your texts for hours or even days. Plans to meet up in person seldom end up happening. It feels like you’re the one to carry the conversation along. Or, you might feel bored by the person you’re talking to. And, any chemistry that was firing off over text falls flat when hanging out IRL. 

Naturally, navigating the talking stage and knowing if it’s going good or bad is hard because things are so early! But licensed marriage and family therapist Janell Cox recommends focusing more on behaviors than words. For example, she says to remain attuned to the other person’s actions—whether they instigate plans, want to see you beyond having sex, and if they generally make themselves available.

“If you feel nervous or anxious, this is information,” she explains, adding that it’s important to trust your gut while in the talking stage. 

Surviving (and Thriving) in The Talking Stage and Beyond

There are two common obstacles in this period: ghosting or experiencing a slow fade in communication. We dig into both problems—plus offer coping strategies—down below.

Getting Ghosted and How to Cope

If you get ghosted during the talking stage, you’re not alone. It’s an all too common experience.

Some prefer to reach out via text message to get clarification on why the ghosting occurred. If you choose to do so, be super clear on what information you hope to receive. Is there ever an excuse for ghosting? Will knowing why this person behaved in an emotionally unavailable manner actually shift your feelings about the situation?

When a Relationship Slowly Fades

You also might experience a “slow fade” aka when the responses and hangouts become less and less frequent. This is an opportunity to be direct and ask the other person their feelings. Sometimes communication can slow down due to circumstances, but other times it can be the person isn’t comfortable saying they’re ready to move on directly. A conversation can nip this conundrum in the bud. 

How Dating Apps Exacerbate the Talking Stage

Then, there’s the dating apps of it all. The research proves what most of us know to be true: dating apps aren’t going anywhere, so we might as well learn to live with them.

Again, harkening back to Janell’s insight—if you’re feeling anxious about this conversation, this is a sign of valuable information for you to hold about your attachment style, how secure you feel in the relationship, and if this person is the right fit for you. 

Taking It to The Next Level

Things are feeling good and you’re ready to get out of the talking stage? We don’t blame you. There’s an art to navigating this delicate decision. “If there has been emotional intimacy established, this won’t be as hard,” explains Janell. But, if it feels impossible, she warns, it may not be the right time or the right person. 

If you need a quick script to start off the conversation, Janell’s got you covered. Here are some phrases to get you started:

• “Hey, I would love to check in about where we are.”
• “I’ve been loving getting to know you and would love to keep going. In order to feel safer, I need…”
• “I need to hear what you want from this, too.”
• “I would love to be boyfriend/girlfriend/in a relationship/exclusive with each other.”

Above all, remember what Janell says: dating is a learning process. It’s a bump ride full of twists and turns but one you should enjoy nonetheless.

Sparks can certainly fly when two type A personalities find themselves falling for each other. But are those sparks the perfect amount for a nice romantic fire, or will they end up setting the whole relationship ablaze? Type A people are often hardworking perfectionists and detail-oriented go-getters with high standards who won’t settle for anything but the best. What happens when two such people get together?

“These individuals often thrive in structured, goal-oriented environments and may exhibit a sense of urgency in both their personal and professional lives,” says Ozan Toy, MD, MPH,  chief medical officer at Telapsychiatry. “Type A personalities are relatively common, particularly in high-stress professions such as senior executives, doctors, lawyers, and professors.”

With a double dose of perfectionism, this love story could be epic—or epically intense. Let’s dive into whether this power couple can make it work.

Why It Will Work

People with type A personalities are often highly successful, even if they may experience some burnout or unnecessary self-criticism along the way. They’re super driven, competitive, and often excel in whatever they put their mind to (because they’d stop short of nothing less than perfection). When two Type A personalities come together, it can make for a seriously impressive power couple dynamic.

“A relationship between two Type A personalities is like a dance between two powerful energies. Each partner brings strength, determination, and a clear sense of direction,” says Rachel Marmor, LMHC, chief wellness officer at the PAIRS Foundation. “They often share a deep drive for achievement, a love for challenge, and a passion for excellence. This can create a relationship filled with excitement, mutual respect, and shared goals.”

“Oftentimes, people can have different life goals which can lead to conflict in a relationship. However if both partners are highly motivated and driven then it is likely they will find joy in sharing a desire for achievement,” Toy says.

He adds, “The relationship can also be filled with excitement and activity, as both individuals are typically energetic, focused, and goal-oriented.” Research shows that this ability to achieve goals can have positive mental health effects.

Why It Might Not Work

Every relationship experiences natural ebbs and flows, but when two type A personalities come together things can get a bit fiery. Each has their own set of deep-seated passions and goals, and when these aren’t aligned, then tension and conflict can arise.

Power Struggles

Power struggles are a common issue between this pairing since both parties may feel the desire to lead the dance, set the pace, and steer the ship. “Their combined intensity can fuel a high-stress relationship, especially if both partners are impatient or too uptight,” Toy says. 

Competitiveness 

Type A personalities are naturally competitive, and that can bleed into the relationship. From minor situations (like playing a card game) to larger life goals, two type A people may end up competing with each other. This can become exhausting, but Toy says it can also breed resentment if one partner consistently outperforms the other.

Burnout 

When you pair a type A personality with someone who’s more laid-back, there’s going to be a natural pullback in intensity. However, combine two type A personalities and both may run at full speed ahead without another person there to say “Whoa, nellie.” (Studies have even found a correlation between poor heart health and type A personalities due to the stress they put on themselves.)

“To find no or poor balance is also common among A personality couples,” says Sofie Roos, a relationship therapist. “These relationships tend to lack sleep and have too little free time and too much working time which can lead to stress, burnout and mental health problems such as depression.”

How to Make It Work

Yes! Two type A personalities can absolutely thrive in a romantic relationship—it just takes some work—like any relationship. While the relationship dynamic between two type A personalities can be intense, it can also feel deeply fulfilling if both partners are aligned with life goals, adaptable, and willing to openly communicate.

“It’s important to recognize that while both partners are strong, the strength lies not just in leading but also in following,” Marmor says. “The ability to step back, to allow the other person to take the lead at times, is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of deep respect and trust.”

She notes that when two Type A individuals are able to comfortably alternate between leading and following, they ultimately create a beautiful, balanced rhythm in their relationship. 

The issue is that these things don’t necessarily come naturally to type A folks, so it’s something they need to be intentional about. Meditation practices, routinely checking in with one another, and incorporating relaxation techniques and shared leisure time can all help a double type A relationship thrive. 

Have you ever been in a position where someone’s decision will impact you and vice versa? How do you make the decision? How much do you think of yourself over the other person? This is the Prisoner’s Dilemma in action.

A concept in psychology and game theory, the Prisoner’s Dilemma, in its most basic form, “explains two people’s choices in trading off their self-interest with their collective welfare. It explains the thinking behind each option and their consequences,” says Michael Taylor, the co-founder and CEO of SchellingPoint in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

The Prisoner’s Dilemma is relevant to diverse areas including psychology, economics, politics, biology, investing, or anywhere where decisions based on cooperation and selfish interest clash.

Understanding the Prisoner’s Dilemma

The idea of the Prisoner’s Dilemma was developed in 1950 by mathematicians Merrill Flood and Melvin Dresher for the Rand Corporation’s investigations in game theory. They were interested in modeling Cold War strategies.

“For example,” explains Taylor, “the US and Russia needed to decide to reduce or increase their volume of nuclear weapons without being able to talk directly.” A bit later, Albert W. Tucker came up with the title “prisoner’s dilemma” and the version with prison sentences as payoffs to make Flood and Dresher’s ideas more understandable to Stanford psychologists.

In this version, Prisoner A and Prisoner B are both charged with a crime and interrogated separately. Each is given a choice between betraying the other or staying quiet. Neither knows what the other will do, but the outcome depends on their combined choices. There are three possible outcomes:

The best outcome for both prisoners, says Taylor, is to cooperate, but the rational choice, in the sense that each of them will try to minimize their own punishment, is for each of them to betray the other and defect. This demonstrates the conflict between selfish interest and cooperation, and why the prisoners may fail to achieve the best collective outcome.

“The insight gained from this dilemma helps in analyzing situations where trust and collaboration are relevant but difficult to achieve,” says Niloufar Esmaeilpour, a Registered Clinical Counsellor, Approved Supervisor, and Founder of Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre in British Columbia, Canada.

Examples of the Prisoner’s Dilemma

Taylor provides the following scenario as an example of the Prisoner’s Dilemma: “Two parents living on a tight budget agree to control their spending…. They can choose to cooperate, hoping the other will do so, too, or ignore the agreement so they don’t suffer having little money to spend. This is the easy choice if they have little trust in the other person. Why reduce their spending if they don’t think their partner will abide by their agreement? If they continue spending and their partner does, too, they are justified in not acting on the agreement. If they continue spending and the other doesn’t, even better, they don’t have to reduce their spending, but their joint problem improves.”

For instance,  Esmaeilpour points to real-life examples such as “the arms race between countries where mutual disarmament will benefit both, but mistrust compels them to arm.”

“Another example,” he says, “is business competition, whereby firms underbid to share the market, which hurts both firms in the long term. Environmental problems such as overfishing mirror this dilemma where [short-term] individual gain leads to [long-term] collective harm.”

This is the trouble with many real-world examples of the Prisoner’s Dilemma. As Taylor says, “the self-interested gain is short-term and tangible, but the collective gain is long-term and intangible.”

He cites problems like deforestation, vaccination, and culture change to make his point. For example, while the people who cut down acres of forest will see a benefit now, in the long term, we all suffer because there is less oxygen in the air and shade on our planet, though that’s harder to see.

Extensions and Variations of the Prisoner’s Dilemma

We’ve talked mostly about a single-round game of the Prisoner’s Dilemma, but there can be games of multiple rounds too. A game where two players take more than one turn in succession is called an iterated Prisoner’s Dilemma.

In addition, there can be multiple players as well as multiple rounds. According to Esmaeilpour, these versions of the game “can model complex social interactions.” And Taylor gives real-life examples. “Family members, leadership teams, joint ventures, countries. These are known as… repeated games, and communication can occur, even if not directly, by sending each other signals through words and actions intended to be interpreted a certain way.”

Strategies and Outcomes in the Prisoner’s Dilemma

There are many strategies for playing the Prisoner’s Dilemma, including always defecting or always cooperating. However, one of the best strategies for a Prisoner’s Dilemma game with iterated rounds is called tit-for-tat. There are just two instructions for this strategy: in the first match, cooperate; in every match after that, do what the opponent did in the previous match.

The reason for tit-for-tat’s success appears to be that it’s nice, but it’s not so nice that the strategy is a pushover. If tit-for-tat is betrayed, it betrays back, but it’s ready to forgive if its opponent cooperates in the next round.

In practice, says Taylor, tit-for-tat can be used to organize groups “to cooperate for the collective good over personal gain. The group identifies a shared topic requiring coordinated action toward a goal that benefits them all. They ensure that each team member’s first action is cooperative, supporting that shared goal. Subsequently, in future decisions on the topic, the cooperators choose to cooperate, or [they] defect if one or more members defected previously. Over time, this teaches that defection will be… acknowledge[ed] and punish[ed] with defection, and that a return to cooperation will be rewarded.”

Criticisms and Limitations of the Prisoner’s Dilemma

There are several criticisms and limitations of the Prisoner’s Dilemma. For instance, Esmaeilpour says that the Prisoner’s Dilemma “simplifies the complexity of human behavior when most decisions in the real world are not reduced to simple, binary choices. Moreover, the dilemma does not consider long-term relationships where issues of trust and reputation play very important roles.”

However, in the real world, where trust and reputation are often automatically assessed, the Prisoner’s Dilemma could reveal their influence on strategic decisions.

Wrapping Up

The Prisoner’s Dilemma has been used to study human cooperation for decades. In the original dilemma, one prisoner is rewarded if only they act in their own self-interest, but the best solution for both of them is to cooperate. Your solution for the Prisoner’s Dilemma says a lot about how you see yourself and others.