Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

I had just moved to Utah from Idaho and was encouraged by family and friends to re-download mutual and try dating again since I was new to the area. I had mutual multiple times and dated a lot but it never went beyond a few dates. Jace had also just redownloaded mutual after taking a break from dating. We matched within a week of both of us downloading the app again. He messaged me the day we matched and took my out to sushi. From that day on, we were inseparable. We saw each other everyday and became best friends. Even though we knew we wanted to be together, it took Jace some time to admit it. He broke up with me a few times because of fear of a real commitment. But he never let it last for more than a week before calling me up and wanting to try again. Under normal circumstances I would have been done after the first breakup, but there was something about him. I prayed multiple times and expressed my frustration with him and the answer each time was: “be patient. Keep fighting for him.” I knew God had directed me to move to Utah. For Jace. So I continued to fight for him and eventually he realized you’re supposed to marry your best friend. We talked many times while dating about how it felt like God’s plan for us to be together. Our first date was on October 29th 2020. On October 30th 2021, Jace took me into the mountains and asked me to be his wife. We were married May 6th 2022 in Salt Lake City UT and now have a beautiful baby girl. We are going to be sealed as a family on October 21st. We couldn’t be happier, Jace is the most amazing husband and father. I’m so glad we both gave mutual another shot. Dating can be so frustrating, but timing is everything! Trust God’s timing.

Met On Mutual

These stories are submitted by real people who met on Mutual. You could be next!

Many of these same folks (the ones who only date tall or young) have wasted years in the wrong relationships dating someone they were not compatible with.

And yet, after all that drama and heartbreak, they still haven’t figured it out. They’re missing the point!

Here’s the thing.

I’ve NEVER asked a woman, “Why is your husband a phenomenal husband?”, and gotten the answer, “Because he’s tall”!

That’s just not a thing!

It’s time to stop focusing on qualities that won’t impact your happiness.

And start focusing on getting your needs met – perhaps for the first time in your life!

It’s time to go deeper.  Stop choosing potential partners based on:

• Age
• Race
• Height
• Weight
• Location
• Clothing
• Wealth
• Education, etc.

And start dating people who will ultimately enhance your happiness (not deplete it).

How do you do that?

You’ve got to ask yourself the RIGHT questions to find the RIGHT partner.

Here are five crucial questions you should ask yourself when you’re looking for love:

1.Am I attracted to him?

You don’t have to see fireworks or get butterflies, let’s be real – that’s not sustainable, and where has that gotten you in the past? But you should enjoy looking at him and touching him.  Remember, chemistry can grow over time.

2. Do we have fun together?

Simply put, do you enjoy his company?

3. Is he an A+ human being?

Is he trustworthy, kind, generous, dependable, consistent, loving, loyal and caring?

And later, when things get a little more serious, ask yourself:

4. Do we have similar values?

Your values don’t have to be exactly the same, but they should be similar.

And…

5. Do we have similar life goals?

With regard to kids, family, lifestyle, etc.

(Don’t worry about sharing the same exact interests.  That’s not as important as you think.)

I’m willing to bet, you’ve got an imaginary partner conjured up in your mind. You’ve spent years imagining what they’ll be like, down to the last detail.  I did the same thing.

But it wasn’t until I threw that fictitious image aside and opened-up my heart and mind to all kinds of people – men of different races, ages, body-types, backgrounds, etc.  That’s when the magic happened!

And I’ve got an awesome husband to prove it. 🙂

Rob and I are different religions, have different socioeconomic backgrounds, different education levels, and we lived an hour apart when we met. I had four kids and he was kidless. I always went for brunettes, and he’s a blue-eyed blonde.  To be honest, he’s not what I’d imagined.

It turns out he’s even better!

He’s a wonderful person, and he adores me.  I deserve to be loved this way.  And so do you.

It’s time to do things differently – to be open to the possibility that the love of your life could be an unexpected surprise!

The one thing I hear most often from my happy clients who’ve found “the one” is this: “I never would have gone out with them if I hadn’t worked with you”.

Go deeper.  Start asking the right questions (and stop asking the wrong ones).  Open your heart and your mind.  And then take a chance!

xo,
Michelle

If you are reading this, chances are you’re either dealing with or once had a bad roommate. Trust us, we’ve been there—and it can truly make life feel like a living hell.

Roommate relationships can become strained for a number of reasons. This could be because of a lack of personal boundaries, poor communication, privacy or safety concerns, financial disputes, personality clashes, or different lifestyle choices, among other things.

Over time, the pent-up stress and frustration from the situation can impact our mood, sleep, and overall quality of life. “The energy we feel at home is vital to our ability to interact with the rest of the world. If the energy at home is negative or draining, it can have a large impact on our mental health and our living environment,” says Laura Rhodes-Levin, LMFT, author of “The Missing Peace: Rewire Your Brain, Reduce Anxiety, and Recreate Your Life.”

“The longer the tension mounts and the longer the resentment builds, the harder it is for people to see each other’s point of view,” says Judith Joseph, MD, board-certified psychiatrist and clinical assistant professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU. Addressing conflicts immediately minimizes miscommunication and resentment—both of which can contribute to stress and anxiety.

Understanding the Situation

The first step is to understand what type of roommate you’re dealing with. Some of the most challenging roommate types you might encounter include:

• The Noisemaker: If your roommate is always too loud or constantly throws late-night parties without notice, it might be because they have a different lifestyle and struggle to adjust to boundaries. They may not be aware of, or may simply not care, how disruptive their behavior is to others. 
• The Slob: Do they never clean up after themselves and treat the whole place like their personal dumpster? It may be because they have poor hygiene habits and don’t see any problem with it. “I had a roommate who would leave dirty dishes in the kitchen sink for weeks. On one occasion, she left smeared feces on the toilet seat. I sent her a text message asking her to check the seat after she uses it, and then I started wiping the seat down with a Lysol wipe before each use,” shares Lyndsey Getty, founder of the Thought Method Co. and author of “Overthink.”
• The Borrower: I once had a roommate who would use my hairbrush and nail clippers without asking and another who would steal food from the fridge we all shared. I started locking up my belongings when not in use, which solved the first problem. The stealing, however, did not stop until the food hogger eventually moved out. If your roommate routinely takes your things without bothering to return or replace them, it might be out of a sense of entitlement, carelessness, or a lack of respect for personal boundaries. 
• The Passive-Aggressive: They will go out of their way to show bitterness and hostility when they feel hurt or offended about something but never actually tell you what’s bothering them. This behavior usually stems from a fear of confrontation, difficulty expressing emotions, or underlying insecurities. 
• The Drama King or Queen: If you have a roommate who is constantly surrounded by drama, it may be because they have a strong need for attention. They may be doing it to seek validation or sympathy or simply out of boredom. In some cases, it may be because they feel things very strongly and have trouble managing their emotions and expressing them in a healthy way.
• The Micromanager: This is the roommate who likes to micromanage everyone. They want everything done a certain way and put in a certain place to feel in control and at peace. This type of behavior is typically associated with anxiety, perfectionism, low self-esteem, or personality disorder. 

Weighing Your Options

So, how can you address the issues you’re having with your roommate in a constructive way?

It could include strategies like improving communication by having open conversations and practicing assertiveness instead of passive aggression. 

Or setting and enforcing boundaries and ground rules after mutual discussion. For example, if they regularly use your stuff without asking, you can create a boundary by firmly asking them not to use your things, especially without permission. Make sure to include what the natural consequence would be if they don’t follow through. 

You can also do self-check-ins to see if you are unwittingly enabling their bad behavior through your actions and responses. For instance, if they never do the dishes and you end up doing it every time, you may be reinforcing the behavior by not addressing the issue directly. 

Communication Strategies

Keep in mind, communication is not the same as confrontation. “Communication should be an attempt to share feelings openly without worrying about being attacked for what you are feeling or needing,” says Rhodes-Levin.

Here are six key communication strategies to navigate roommate disputes effectively:

Use “I” Statements

“Frame your concerns using ‘I’ statements to avoid sounding accusatory,” suggests Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC. For example, you can say, “I feel stressed when the kitchen is left dirty,” instead of “you never clean up.” “I” statements reduce defensiveness and make it easier for the other person to understand your perspective and feelings. “This approach helps engage the prefrontal cortex rather than triggering the amygdala, which is responsible for fear responses,” Groskopf explains. 

Practice Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

“This approach uses non-blaming or critical language and ensures that empathy and personal responsibility are central in the communication,” says Brooke Sprowl, an LA-based therapist specializing in relationships, codependency, and toxic relationships. 

Most people tend to communicate in ways that are accusatory or even coercive during a dispute. This only escalates the situation and creates a feedback loop of defensiveness between both individuals. “When you remove blame, use empathy and neutral language, this tends to change the tone of conflict from contentious to collaborative,” Sprowl adds.

Keep Your Body Language Non-Aggressive

Make sure your body language is open and non-threatening while maintaining eye contact. Avoid glaring, finger-pointing, or crossing your arms. Discuss the issue calmly without interrupting each other, keeping your tone respectful and steady to avoid escalating the situation, suggests Gayle Weill, LCSW. 

Explain Rather Than Complain

Clearly define what the problem is and how it affects you and the shared living space. Avoid vague complaints. Once the issues have been laid out, it’s necessary to collaborate on potential solutions that work for both parties. “Compromise will likely need to occur between both of you,” says Weill. 

Assume Positive Intent

Sometimes, when other people don’t behave favorably, we assume they are acting maliciously when they might simply be unaware, absent-minded, or doing their best but still making mistakes, says Getty. Assuming positive intent helps reduce the intensity of a situation, allowing you to communicate calmly rather than with frustration. However, “it’s important to remember that just because someone is doing their best or isn’t acting with malicious intent, it doesn’t excuse their behavior,” adds Getty.

Once you assume positive intent, focus on facts and solutions when communicating. For example, if your roommate is loud late at night, you could say, “I can hear you playing guitar at 1 a.m. You may not realize it, but the walls here are thin. Can you play in the basement or stop playing around 11 when I go to sleep?” Ideally, this will resolve the situation. If the noise continues, speak more assertively: “Hey, I mentioned your guitar playing is loud and asked you to stop around 11. The past few nights, I’ve heard you playing past 11, and it’s keeping me up. How can we stop this?”

Turn to AI for Help

“ChatGPT can also be a great resource. You can input what you want to say and ask it to remove emotional language, stick to facts, and be assertive but not aggressive. Then, send your message via text,” suggests Getty. 

Conflict Resolution

When you live with others, conflicts are bound to happen over one thing or another. However, with a well-defined approach to conflict resolution, you don’t have to avoid or overreact to these situations. Here’s a step-by-step strategy to try: 

Evalulate the Problem

Identify the issue and consider how it impacts you so you can communicate it to your roommate. For example, if your roommate often leaves half-eaten food around the house that goes moldy and stinks, you can mention how it poses a health risk and creates an unpleasant living environment. 

See If It’s Actually a Dispute

If you think the issue might be a one-time thing or something relatively small, it might be easier to take care of it yourself. For example, if your roommate forgot to take out the trash one day and it started to smell, you could take it out this time and tell them afterward, saying, “Hey, I noticed the trash was starting to smell, so I took it out. Please take it out next time when it’s your turn.” If it becomes routine, though, that merits a serious conversation with your roommate. 

Pick the Right Time

Don’t try to resolve conflicts when emotions are running high. Instead, set a time and place to discuss the issue when both of you are calm and better able to communicate, suggests Dr. Joseph. Don’t meet during early hours if someone is not a morning person or too late if someone is exhausted at late hours. Set a time that works for both. Similarly, pick a neutral area of the home for discussion or meet at a nearby coffee shop. “It’s important to do as much as you can to control the level of stress infused into the situation,” says Dr. Joseph. 

Listen Actively

Once you have clearly and calmly expressed your concerns, give your roommate a chance to share their perspective and listen to them without interrupting. Don’t plan your response while they are still talking. Instead, focus on what they are saying without jumping to conclusions. Also, pay attention to the non-verbal cues. Active listening helps you understand the other person better and makes them feel heard. “When you feel heard, it activates the brain’s reward centers, promoting empathy and more positive interactions,” says Groskopf. 

Seek Common Ground

Start by identifying common objectives. For example, you could say, “We both want a peaceful home, so let’s figure out how to get there.” “Recognizing shared goals can help shift the focus from individual complaints to mutual benefits. This creates a collaborative atmosphere where both parties work towards a common good,” says Groskopf. 

Separate the Person From the Problem

It can be easy to get swept up in emotions and start seeing the roommate as the problem. However, resolving roommate conflicts can be more fruitful when we look at the bigger picture and approach the situation with a solution-oriented mindset rather than seeing the other person as the enemy, says registered counselor Sumarie Engelbrecht. Collaborate with your roommate to brainstorm solutions that work for both of you. Be prepared for a reasonable compromise to come to an agreement. 

Formalize the Agreement

Write down the agreement reached and share a copy with your roommate. Also, set up a follow-up meeting to review the situation after some time and ensure that the solution is working.

Set Boundaries and Establish Rules

A great way to establish house rules and boundaries is to hold a “House & Rules” meeting where each roommate may present their thoughts and suggestions regarding basic house rules and personal boundaries, says Kelley Brower, LMHC, CFRC. Clearly define personal spaces, shared spaces, and responsibilities. Who does what, where, when, and how—put it all in writing and post it on the refrigerator. Ensure that the rules are fair and consider everyone’s needs. “When rules are created collaboratively, they’re more likely to be respected and followed,” says Groskopf. 

However, remember that these steps won’t work if someone is abusive or acting in bad faith because there won’t be a real attempt to understand you or come to a compromise. “In this case, the best course is to take as much space as possible, enforce clear boundaries, and create an exit plan as soon as possible,” says Sprowl.

Seeking Mediation or External Help

Involving a neutral third party, such as a counselor or a resident advisor, can help roommates resolve their differences by providing an unbiased perspective and a structured framework for facilitating a constructive dialogue, says Weill. 

“A third-party mediator would be able to ensure the conversation stays on track and doesn’t spiral into personal attacks,” says Engelbrecht. They are also less likely to have tunnel vision when trying to resolve the situation and can come up with out-of-the-box solutions, she adds. 

If you are a student seeking guidance and support regarding your living situation, consider contacting your college RA or university counseling center. For advice and resources for off-campus accommodation, contacting your local tenant association or housing authority is a good place to start.

Self-Care and Coping Strategies

“When there is conflict at home, you experience physiological and psychological symptoms of fight-or-flight and anticipatory anxiety,” says Dr. Joseph. This is why it is imperative to prioritize self-care to manage stress and improve emotional regulation. 

Here are five expert-backed self-care strategies to try besides boundary-setting:

• Practice mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques like breathwork, yoga, or gratitude journaling can significantly reduce stress and anxiety and help center your body and mind, says Weill. 
• Create a personal retreat: It’s essential to establish a personal space where you can retreat to break away from daily stressors and unwind, says Weill. This could be a designated area in your room or even a favorite spot outside the home. 
• Get moving: “Poor physical health can exacerbate stress and make it harder to cope,” says Weill. Regular physical activity helps lower cortisol levels and releases endorphins, which are natural stress relievers.
• Don’t take it personally: Know that whatever is happening is not personal. “You could have 10 roommates and say the same thing to each one of them, and they will all react differently. Their reactions reflect who they are, not who you are,” says Rhodes-Levin. “Remember you are in charge of your own emotions, and you don’t have to take on the emotions of others,” she adds.
• Put your creative hat on: Engaging in creative hobbies like painting, writing, or knitting can help take your mind off roommate troubles and allow you to focus on the present moment, says Weill. They also provide an outlet for processing feelings and self-expression. 

Knowing When to Seek Alternative Living Arrangements

“Sometimes our fundamental needs and values conflict with those of our roommates, in which case there may be no way around it but to transition to a new living situation,” says Sprowl.

A simple but easy way to see if a living arrangement is working is to check in with yourself at the end of each day. “I once had a roommate that I was unhappy with, and I kept a little notepad by my bedside. On the days I wanted to leave, I would write L. On the days I felt things were going OK, I would write S for stay. If you find that you have more L’s than S’s, it’s time to find a different arrangement,” says Rhodes-Levin.

“It’s important to give your roommate proper notice because you would want the same in return, but beyond that, your obligation is to yourself and your happiness and well-being,” she adds. 

If your new living arrangement is also a shared space, there are a few important things to consider before moving in with or having a new roommate:

• Compatibility: Talk to your potential roommate to see whether they share similar habits, values, and lifestyles as you. “It’s crucial to have compatible personalities to avoid conflicts,” says Ahmed Mohamed, a resident assistant at Wagner College in Staten Island, NYC. 
• Ground rules: Discuss rules, expectations, and boundaries beforehand regarding personal space, common areas, and shared responsibilities to minimize conflicts. This can be done via a conversation or in a more formal way with a roommate agreement, says Brower. 
• Conflict resolution: Have a plan in place for how conflicts will be addressed and resolved to prevent misunderstandings from escalating and ensure effective communication, suggests Mohamed. 

Bottom Line

Dealing with a bad roommate can be stressful. However, with the right communication and conflict resolution techniques, it’s possible to work things out and establish a harmonious relationship. It’s also important to set clear boundaries, manage expectations, and be willing to compromise when appropriate. If issues persist or differences seem irreconcilable, consider seeking a new living arrangement.

Remember that your mental health and well-being matter, and sometimes, moving on is the best option for everyone involved. 

Sigh. Is there any feeling better than New Relationship Energy? We’ll wait. Those emotions that happen when the stars align for you and your new boo, where the emotional connection is steadily intensifying, honestly can’t be beat.

“New relationship energy usually refers to the intense excitement, euphoria, and almost electrical sensation typically experienced at the beginning of a romantic relationship,” explains Kristin Papa, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Living Openhearted Therapy and Wellness.

It’s what makes you want to spend all your time with your new love. It’s why it might feel like your skin is buzzing and your heart is bursting whenever they are around. It’s all about those butterflies in your stomach and the conversations that stretch into the early hours of the morning.

 NRE is also an important part of a relationship because it helps foster the deep bond that sets the stage for a lasting connection. “It’s generally characterized by a heightened sense of emotions and attraction which can, at times, translate into increased physical and emotional intimacy,” Papa explains.

As magical and intoxicating as this new relationship energy feels, it doesn’t last forever. As the relationship progresses, these emotions gradually wane and fade as reality sets in. Just because the shine has worn off doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your relationship. It’s not only normal–it’s completely expected!

Understanding NRE

New relationship energy emerges at the start of a romantic relationship. We experience a heightened sense of emotional and physical connection fueled by the mix of brain chemicals, such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, released when we fall in love.

These chemicals also impact the brain’s reward system, which is why spending time with your new partner feels so satisfying–and why you crave their presence so strongly.

So, what factors influence how we experience this new relationship energy? Kate Engler, LMFT, CST, a licensed couples and sex therapist at Three Points Relationships, explains that new relationship energy happens at the start of a relationship for a few different reasons. 

Novelty

“Everything about the person is new, which means it is novel and different than what we are used to. Our brains naturally get activated when we encounter new things—including new people,” Engler says. 

Under normal circumstances, this mechanism helps protect us from danger. This works a little differently when we are falling in love.

“The brain chemicals that get activated to protect us from threat show up as a heightened sense of feelings and intensity,” Engler explains. “It’s like feeling nervous-excited about riding a roller coaster vs. nervous-scared about taking a test.”

The Brain’s Reward System

Physical and sexual chemistry help amplify feelings of new relationship energy. The brain’s reward system also plays a role in amplifying these feelings.

“Being newly in love also activates the brain’s reward systems in the same ways being high on drugs does, which is why NRE can feel so intoxicating and why some people approach it like a drug—they continually seek out that feeling and disengage when it goes away,” Engler says.

Increased Vulnerability

Engler also notes that certain parts of our brains become less active when we fall in love. “These are the parts related to critical judgment and the parts that distinguish another person’s thoughts/feelings/behaviors from our own,” she says. “This allows us to let our guard down and be vulnerable in a way we might not otherwise and increases the feeling of shared experience or “oneness.”

This change is natural, but understandably, it might be concerning or disheartening for some couples. You might worry that something is wrong, that you’re becoming bored with your relationship, or that you’ve lost the spark that made your relationship so great.

It’s important to remember that this transition doesn’t mean the passion is gone; instead, it can be an opportunity for your relationship to become closer, deeper, and even more meaningful. And while you might not feel like you’re caught up in that heady whirlwind of emotions, you can take steps to keep the energy that made the early days of your relationship feel so special.

How Do These Feelings Affect Us?

New relationship energy is typically a great thing. It feels good and helps us forge satisfying relationships. When you are in this phase of a relationship, you’ll experience heightened feelings of happiness, contentment, and well-being. That rush of chemicals that help you fall in love also boosts your mood, increases your energy levels, and enhances your overall well-being.

All this good energy can have a positive impact on your relationship, too. Couples who experience a lot of this energy are often more affectionate and communicative. They also spend more time together, which can help foster a closer emotional bond and a strong sense of mutual understanding. That intense desire to know the other person also leads to a stronger sense of empathy, concern, and care, which can help lay a solid foundation for a lasting relationship.

That’s why it’s important to try to balance that new relationship energy with a healthy dose of realism. Try to remember that the strong emotions that characterize this phase of your relationship will temper with time.

Managing New Relationship Energy

To navigate new relationship energy in a healthy and balanced way, you’ll need to focus on self-awareness, communication, and intentionality. The rush of emotions you are experiencing is thrilling, but being thoughtful about how you respond to your feelings can help ensure that the foundation you are laying is sustainable for the long term. Strategies that can help you manage this new relationship energy include the following:

Set Clear Boundaries

It’s easy to get swept up in the flood of feelings that make you want to spend every waking moment with your new partner. Papa suggests that boundaries can be key, which also involves investing time in your other relationships with friends and family. “It can also be helpful to gradually integrate your new partner into your existing life rather than completely reorganizing around them,” she says.

Make an intentional effort to make time for your existing relationships, commitments, and obligations. Carving out space for other things ensures you don’t let those parts of your life fall by the wayside. It also helps you maintain your personal space and individuality without letting the relationship become all-consuming.

Communicate Your Needs

When you’re caught up in that new relationship energy, it sometimes means you might ignore your own wants, needs, and concerns to keep your new partner happy. Talking about your feelings and expectations is important, so don’t be afraid to bring up the things on your mind—both the good and the bad. 

“One strategy to manage new relationship energy can be to discuss the pace of the relationship with your partner and express your desires and expectations openly so you both can understand each other’s needs and wants. Starting a relationship based on open and honest communication can allow you to develop a strong foundation for the relationship,” says Kristin Papa, LCSW

Open communication at this early point helps set the stage for the future of your relationship. Transparency can foster greater intimacy, trust, and understanding. Setting clear expectations at the outset can help ensure that neither of you feels blindsided or disappointed as your relationship matures and evolves.

Manage Expectations

Everything may feel perfect when you’re caught up in this new relationship energy. But it’s important to remember that no matter how great things seem, no relationship is free from challenges.  

Being realistic from the outset and making a conscious effort not to ignore potential red flags and dealbreakers can ensure that these are just normal minor irritations that all couples deal with, not major issues that signal long-term problems in your relationship. 

Remind yourself that disagreements are part of every relationship. No one is perfect, but learning to embrace imperfections and see them as a way to strengthen your connection can help you build a strong bond as your relationship progresses.

Embrace the Energy

New relationship energy is a special part of a relationship, so one of the best things you can do during this time is to embrace and enjoy it. It’s ephemeral by nature, so let yourself savor the experience of getting to know this person and all the feelings and experiences that come with falling in love.

Common Mistakes and Challenges

While it’s important to savor the experience, it’s also important to keep an eye on potential pitfalls and challenges you might face during this stage. Spotting these problems can help you navigate them more successfully and prevent them from creating relationship roadblocks.

After all, there’s a reason why it’s called the honeymoon phase. Everything is new and exciting. But we’re sometimes so enamored that we miss out on glaring red flags and warnings.

Some challenges you might face include:

• Poor judgment: Because your emotions are so strong, they can sometimes cloud your judgment. You might make choices you might not under normal conditions. 
• Idealization: NRE sometimes causes us to put on rose-colored glasses. This means you might overlook potential incompatibilities. Or, you might ignore red flags at the start of the relationship, only to realize later that warning signs that your partner doesn’t share your goals or values.
• Lack of balance: Because you’re so focused on your new relationship during this stage, you might pay less attention to other important areas of your life, including friendships, hobbies, and self-care. 
• Unrealistic expectations: It can also contribute to unrealistic expectations. Because the early days of your relationship were so blissful and passionate, you might expect things to stay that way forever. This can lead to bitter disappointment as the relationship progresses past the honeymoon phase.

• Moving too fast: NRE can be intoxicating, so you might rush through major relationship milestones–like meeting each other’s families, making big financial commitments, or moving in together–before you’re actually ready. That’s why boundaries, communication, and intentionality are so important at this stage to ensure that each major step in your relationship is taken with both of your consent.
• Loss of individuality: A new relationship can sometimes become so all-consuming that you start to lose sight of yourself as an individual. If you start to notice that you’re spending less time on the things that make you you, it’s important to take steps to nurture your own independence and autonomy.

Healthy relationships are rooted in interdependence. People recognize the value of their emotional bond while maintaining a strong sense of self. They know they each bring something valuable to the relationship but don’t feel they must sacrifice their individuality or values.

Balancing NRE and Long-Term Commitments

At the start of a relationship, we are often very intentional about how we approach the relationship. Engler notes this means giving our partners all of our attention. “We set our phones down when we talk, we plan fun date nights, we’re curious about each other—this all helps foster the NRE,” she says.

This tends to change once the relationship becomes safe and secure. Brain chemicals settle down, and we may start to take our partner for granted. That’s when those intense feelings of NRE begin to fizzle and fade. 

Research suggests it is often the normal grind of daily life that wears on this new relationship energy. Boredom, stress, and daily life demands can challenge your bond. This can make keeping that honeymoon phase energy hard to maintain–and it might even lead to conflicts and other relationship issues.

So what can you do to maintain that new relationship energy even after that blissful NRE phase matures into something deeper and more lasting? The good news is that you don’t have to choose between passion and stability.

The following steps can help you keep the relationship feeling fresh and exciting no matter how long you’ve been together:

Bring Novelty to Your Relationship

Your relationship doesn’t have to get stale or boring–the key is to keep seeking new experiences together. “Couples can try new activities together, plan surprise dates or gestures, as well as explore new places as a couple,” Papa suggests. “This also allows couples to infuse their relationship with playfulness and fun, which can be an important aspect of new relationship energy.”

Novel activities don’t have to be wild adventures, Engler explains. Sometimes, it’s just a change of scenery or a break in your usual routine, like eating dinner on the front porch or finding a new show to watch together.

Seek Quality Time Together

A huge part of that new relationship energy involves wanting to spend time together. As time passes, the obligations and stresses of life sometimes get in the way. Papa says that finding opportunities to connect is important.

“Couples that prioritize physical and emotional intimacy and intentionally create connection increase the chances of maintaining the new relationship energy,” she explains. Ways you can do this, she suggests, include having regularly scheduled date nights and taking the time to talk to each other openly and honestly about your needs and desires.

Stay Curious and Communicate

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. In fact, evidence indicates that having strong communication abilities can be an effective way to boost relationship intimacy.

“Part of what’s exciting in the beginning is getting to learn about someone—it’s part of that heightened sensations element of NRE,” Engler says. As we become more comfortable with our partners, we sometimes feel like we know everything about them.

No matter how well you know one another, everyone changes with time, so there are always new things to learn and share. There are a variety of tools that can help you learn more about your partner. Engler recommends {THE AND} Couples Edition, an intimacy-boosting card game.

Be Vulnerable

Engler explains that vulnerability can foster connection, which also help reignite new relationship energy. Relationship games can be a great way to spark deeper conversations. Engler also suggest that the famous “36 questions to fall in love” developed by Dr. Arthur Arons can be a helpful tool.

Appreciate Your Partner

Time can sometimes make us take the little things for granted. You can maintain new relationship energy by intentionally expressing gratitude and appreciation for the things you love about your partner.

One study found that seeing and understanding your partner’s gratitude can powerfully impact relationship satisfaction. When people feel like their partner appreciates them, they feel more satisfied with the relationship.

Make New Couple Friends

Couple friends can be a great source of support, but Engler notes that they can also help strengthen your relationship with your partner. She points to research from the University of Georgia showing that couples who have more couple friends tend to be more satisfied in their relationship.

“Spending time with other couple friends helped people to feel more fondly about their own partners because they get to see them in a different way,” she explains.

Keep in Mind

The new relationship energy that is the hallmark of the beginning of a relationship can be almost addictive, but it’s normal for those feelings to shift into a more mature, committed type of love over time. That doesn’t mean you can keep some of those fresh feelings going, even if you’ve been together for a long time.

Mental health experts suggest that you can do things to keep the flames of love burning brightly, including seeking novelty, appreciating your partner, and being vulnerable. 

Remember, the greatest relationships are built on excitement and stability. So embrace the best of both worlds by building a trusting relationship that retains some of that new relationship energy.

It’s normal for your relationship to change over time. There may be days when things feel fresh and exciting, but there will also be times when you feel tired, annoyed, or bored. That’s normal. The key is to keep changing and growing along with your relationship so your bond stays strong through life’s shifting stages.

Are you in a toxic relationship?

If you’re wondering how to tell if you’re in a toxic relationship or how to know when it’s time to break up with someone you love, ask yourself the following question:

Does your relationship make you feel sad and anxious more often than it makes you feel happy and relaxed?

If you answered “yes”, that’s a serious problem. Your relationship should enhance your happiness, not deplete it.

Here are signs you’re in a toxic relationship:

• You and your partner fight a lot, and your arguments often escalate into hurtful exchanges. 
• You can’t speak freely. You may even need to rehearse before you talk. You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing and sparking an argument or facing criticism. This leads to a constant state of self-censorship and anxiety.
• You have to write your feelings down in an email or a text because talking is too difficult. Face-to-face communication has become so strained that you resort to written messages to express yourself. This lack of direct, open communication creates a barrier in your relationship.
• You don’t feel you can completely trust your partner. Something just feels off. You might catch them in lies or half-truths, or they may be evasive about their activities. This erosion of trust undermines the foundation of your relationship.
• Your partner manipulates and gaslights you. They twist your words, deny things they’ve said, or make you question your own perceptions. This manipulation leaves you feeling confused, doubting yourself, and emotionally off-balance.
• You don’t feel like a priority to your partner. They consistently put their needs, desires, or other people before you. You feel neglected and unimportant in the relationship.
• You can’t rely on your partner to do what they say they’ll do. Broken promises and unreliability are common occurrences. This lack of follow-through erodes your trust and leaves you feeling let down.
• Your partner is jealous. They constantly question your interactions with others, accuse you of flirting, or try to control who you spend time with. This jealousy is often rooted in insecurity and can lead to possessive, controlling behavior.
• Your partner is affecting your relationships with your friends and family. They may criticize your loved ones, try to isolate you, or create drama that strains these relationships. You find yourself choosing between your partner and the other important people in your life.
• Your friends and loved ones avoid spending time with you as a couple. They may express discomfort or dislike towards your partner, or they simply don’t enjoy being around the two of you together. This is a red flag that others are noticing the toxicity in your relationship.
• Your partner is often critical of you. They nitpick your appearance, belittle your accomplishments, or constantly point out your flaws. This criticism chips away at your self-esteem and makes you feel unworthy.
• You or your partner gets violent or yells. Physical aggression, throwing objects, or screaming during arguments is never acceptable. These behaviors create an atmosphere of fear and intimidation.
• You feel depressed and unhappy a lot of the time. The negativity in your relationship takes a toll on your mental health. You may find yourself feeling hopeless, worthless, or emotionally drained.
• You often feel anxious. You’re constantly on edge, worrying about your partner’s moods or reactions. This chronic anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, or difficulty sleeping.
• Your partner withholds affection when they’re angry. They use love and affection as a weapon, giving you the cold shoulder or withholding physical touch to punish you. This emotional manipulation leaves you feeling rejected and unworthy of love.
• Your partner gives you the silent treatment when they’re upset. They shut down and refuse to communicate, leaving you feeling isolated and powerless. This passive-aggressive behavior hinders conflict resolution and fosters resentment.
• You don’t feel safe expressing your feelings honestly. You fear your partner’s reactions, so you bottle up your emotions or walk on eggshells. This lack of emotional safety prevents you from having open, genuine conversations.
• You’ve broken up and gotten back together more than once. Your relationship is a roller coaster of highs and lows, with multiple breakups and reconciliations. This on-again, off-again pattern is often a sign of underlying issues that remain unresolved.Here are the examples with one to two additional sentences added to each

Here’s a creative way to determine if your relationship is unhealthy:

Print out a blank calendar template. At the end of each day, color code the way the relationship made you feel that day. Select the color that correlates with your primary mood.

Color the calendar box red if you felt sad, angry, or anxious. Use yellow if you felt neutral. And color the calendar box green if you felt good.

Do this consistently, and over time, you’ll be able to see patterns and trends as they develop. If your calendar is full of yellow and red boxes, you’re in a toxic relationship, and you need to break up.

Early signs of a toxic relationship:

I’m willing to bet there were signs early on that something was wrong, but you ignored the red flags.

Did you sweep the red flags under the rug because you hoped things would change and your relationship would improve?

If you did, you’re not alone. When I ask my clients who were in toxic relationships if they ignored red flags in the first three months of their relationships, they almost always answer “yes”.

It can be hard to understand why you allowed yourself to go down the wrong path when you knew things weren’t right. But the reality is, some of your needs were being met. They were important to you. So you ignored red flags. The problem is, red flags always become issues down the road if you don’t deal with them in the present.

If you’re in a toxic relationship, please don’t beat yourself up. For years, I ignored my intuition and better judgment and stayed in the wrong relationships. Almost everyone has done this at one time or another.

When you’re a positive and optimistic person, it’s natural to focus on your partner’s good instead of paying attention to the bad ones.

And if you’re loyal and don’t give up easily, you’re more likely to stick things out, even when a relationship is toxic.

It’s not too late. Now it’s time to take stock of your life, your relationship, and to take better care of yourself. Staying in a toxic relationship that doesn’t serve you can be painful, and over time, it may even make you sick.

Even if you’re in a toxic relationship, it can be hard to break up with someone you love.

But here’s the thing. You need to love yourself first, before anyone else. You need to love yourself enough to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working – one that’s hurting you.

It’s scary to be alone not knowing what the future holds, and it takes courage to move on. But you’ll be okay – you’re strong.

And the truth is…

If you don’t find the strength to hold strong boundaries and move on when things aren’t working, you’ll stay stuck in the wrong relationship indefinitely, and you won’t be available to meet the right person.

You must only invest your time and heart in someone who is fully invested in you. Someone who treats you beautifully. Someone with high self-esteem who is emotionally healthy and has the desire and capacity to consistently be intimate, honest, loving, and kind.

No more toxic relationships – you’re DONE!

Promise yourself that next time you’ll pay closer attention to the warning signs. You’ll have stronger boundaries, and you’ll move on quickly if things aren’t working.  When you find the strength to do that, your luck will change, and the Universe will deliver your partner to you.

Because the fastest way to meet the right person is to leave the wrong person quickly.

Even if you’re scared right now, have faith that everything will be okay. Your person is out there, and you’re going to meet them when the time is right!

You’re stronger than you think, and you can do this.

To help you on your journey toward a healthy and happy relationship, it’s my pleasure to gift you my book, Never Waste Time on the Wrong Man Again: A 5-Step Strategic Plan to Stop Wasting Time and Finally Find “The One”.

This book is a game-changer that will help you avoid toxic relationships and find the right partner quickly. Please let me know how it impacts your life.

You deserve to be loved right. And you will be!

With love,
Michelle

It’s a given—or, well it used to be—that once you hit the two to three-year mark in a relationship, you’ll live together. Split the bills. Co-parent the dogs (or cats if you fancy). Take weekly trips to the local grocer. All the coupley things. However, it’s grown progressively more common to not live with someone, with around 38% of people between the ages of 25 to 54 opting out of cohabitation.

For those of us in relationships, the inevitability of cohabitating is now, well, less inevitable. Living apart together, also known as LAT, is a growing trend for couples who want to continue their relationship but not in the same household.

If you’re curious about why so many people are choosing not to live with their partners, we have everything you need to know about the subject. Read on to learn about the benefits, the challenges, and how to make it work.

Benefits of Living Apart Together

LAT is all about keeping your autonomy while growing with a partner. “Choosing to live apart together is a deliberate decision where both partners are committed to each other but prefer to maintain separate living spaces,” explains relationship therapist Becca Reed, LCSW, PMH-C. “This choice is often made to preserve personal autonomy while nurturing a close, intimate relationship.”

For the Couples Who Like Their Freedom and Personal Space

Couples who prefer LAT like maintaining their routines and having personal space as they value their freedom and independence, says Reed. “It allows each partner to manage their own living environment while enjoying the emotional and physical intimacy of a committed relationship,” she adds.

The Relationship Doesn’t Get Boring

People also participate in the LAT model because it keeps the relationship new and fresh.

“Many people get tired of their partners and feel less excited about them when they’re together all the time,” says Suzannah Weiss, relationship coach and resident sexologist for Fleshy. “When a partner is a member of your household, they can begin to feel almost like family and the passion may die down.”

Which is why she recommends cohabitating couples experiencing a loss of passion and chemistry spend a few days apart, so “a period of rekindling is built-in” and the relationship bounces back to brand new.

Some Partners Have Their Preferences and Quirks—Which Is OK

This relationship model is also a fit for other situations, too. For example, your job is miles apart from your partner’s home and you don’t want a long commute to the office. Or, you’re allergic to your partner’s pet. Maybe you don’t like the neighborhood your significant other lives in because it’s nosy and crowded.

“LAT can be a good choice for neurodiverse people who are very particular about their routine as well as how they like their furniture and belongings to be arranged,” says Weiss. “Someone who has trouble sleeping next to someone else may also be a good fit for LAT.”

Whatever the case, there are several reasons and situations why some couples prefer separate living—and they’re valid!

Challenges of Living Apart Together

Of course, the benefits of LAT come with a few challenges, namely social stigma, communication, and emotional distance.

Social Stigma

“People may ask them why they’re not living together or when they’re moving in together or suggest that their relationship must be struggling because they’re not living together,” Weiss says.

This is something I hear all too often in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half but do not plan to cohabitate. When we say we’re open to marriage and are deeply committed to each other, many people are confounded. (Just a little FYI: you can still be in a committed relationship without living together; research shows that LAT couples are highly emotionally invested in their relationships).

Difficulty Finding Time Together

Outside of social stigma, one of the biggest challenges of living apart in relationships is schedule coordination and communication. “The biggest challenges for LAT couples can be the lack of spontaneous daily interactions, potential feelings of loneliness, and the effort required to coordinate time together,” says Reed.

A possible fix to this problem is by being intentional and carving out time in each other’s schedules. Planning dates ahead of time and sending spontaneous text messages (so they know you’re thinking of them) are just a few small things to make your partner feel seen and appreciated. Remember, it’s the little things that matter the most.

Communication Avoidance

Another potential problem of LAT is communication avoidance. Reed says that communication can be easier to wiggle out of when your partner isn’t around.

“I’ve also seen parties avoid conflict in the relationship by simply returning to their homes versus working through the conflict in the moment by having a difficult but productive conversation,” she explains. To prevent conflict avoidance, Reed recommends establishing communication and conflict rules on how arguments and discussions will be handled.

In some cases, some partners feel emotionally disconnected when living without their partner. How to address that and feel together, even when you’re apart? Let’s examine that.

Making LAT Work

It takes some work to create a successful LAT relationship—any relationship, really—but it’s completely possible. One first step, says Weiss, is planning quality time, so the relationship stays connected. She suggests asking each other questions like:

• How often do you plan to see each other?
• Will you ever have sleepovers?
• Will you have the keys to each other’s homes?
• Can you stop by each other’s places unannounced?
• Are there hours when you prefer to be undisturbed? 

While this might seem like additional work, it’s not very different from the work of a living-together relationship, says Reed. “Activities that can strengthen LAT relationships are very similar to what all types of relationships generally need to be successful,” she says. “These can include enjoying movies or TV shows that you only watch when together, scheduling dinners, and participating in shared hobbies or interests.”

How to Keep Emotional and Sexual Connection Alive When Living Apart

There’s not much difference between cohabiting and LAT couples aside from the need for communication. Reed says that living apart couples need to prioritize quality time together and communication because they don’t have the benefit of living in each other’s spaces every day.

“Rituals such as nightly phone calls, sending good morning and goodnight texts, and planning regular visits can also support connection,” she recommends.

It’s what my partner and I do to maintain our close connection! We communicate often and text each other good morning and good night when we’re physically apart. We also do standing activities together like dinners at specific restaurants and weekly bar trivia. “Taking little trips out of town for a few days is also a great way to spend longer stretches of time together,” says Becky, my partner.

This applies to sex and intimacy too. Weiss says you can maintain your sex life even when you’re physically apart by using apps like Paired and toys from We-Vibe and other retailers. There’s also good old phone sex.

Keeping the emotional connection alive is the most important element. “Our nervous system picks up on tiny cues that tell us if we are safely in connection with one another, so creating moments where you can feel connected and seen by your partner is vital,” says Reed. “This emotional attunement fosters a deep bond, which is especially needed when living apart.”

Considerations for Choosing LAT

The first way to know if LAT is for you is if you, like me, wanted to live with partners in the past but disliked it. “Think of past conflicts you’ve had in relationships and reflect on how many of them were related to sharing a living space,” suggests Weiss. “If this has been a consistent source of strife in your relationships, living together may not be for you.”

Beyond that, Reed recommends considering your personal values, lifestyle preferences, and relationship intentionality when deciding to opt in or out of a LAT relationship. Also, consider the social stigma attached to LAT aka the belief that not living together implies a lack of commitment, and how that can potentially impact your relationship.

“If LAT relationships were more normalized, many relationships may actually last longer because the people in them would be less annoyed with each other and would have an easier time keeping the passion alive,” Weiss explains. “It is the stigma more so the physical distance that leads to emotional disconnect. The more people in LAT relationships can see their relationship style as a normal, valid choice, the happier they will be.”

Aside from social stigma, consider your partner’s communication skills. The LAT method requires intentionality, communication, mutual understanding, and agreement to be successful, says Reed.

“It’s important to discuss long-term goals, how to handle conflicts, and the expectations around communication and visits,” she says. And the talks don’t end there. She continues, adding that communication is always crucial as there are “changes in life circumstances such as new jobs, needing to care for an aging family member, or shifts in life goals may bring about a need to reevaluate these agreements.”

Conclusion

For neurodivergent folks, people who enjoy their independence and autonomy, or individuals allergic to their partner’s pets, LAT is a fine option for keeping and deepening romantic partnerships. It takes work like all relationships do. And yeah, unlike living together, you’ll have to make more of an effort to communicate. But if you’re happy with a partner, you don’t have to live with them, especially if that doesn’t sound like a great time.

Instead, you can live apart together. I mean—if Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton could live apart for their 13-year marriage and still be happy, why can’t you?