Posts in category: Dating Tips, Guide and Advice

Friendships—especially as an adult—can be harder to find and maintain, but they’re essential to emotional well-being. Research shows that cultivating friendships late into adulthood can help stave off loneliness, depression, and social isolation.

My friendships are especially meaningful because they make up much of my chosen family. And, it turns out that as we age, interactions with our close friends can hold even more meaning than interactions with our families. I understand this deeply already.

My friends aren’t just my friends, they’re like siblings. While this may sound idyllic, it also means that it can be pretty daunting when conflict arises. Conflict is inevitable in all relationships, but the closer the relationship, the higher the stakes are when a fight happens because the loss is that much greater when the rift cannot be mended. 

I haven’t had a friend break up in over 5 years, but the last one came down to simply feeling like I couldn’t trust the person. They’d go through periods of ghosting, evading conversations when I’d bring up the ghosting, and then we’d waver between being very close and very elusive. Ultimately, they quit talking to me and, fatigued by attempts to repair, I quit reaching out.

Now, I have a curation of close friendships I’m deeply proud of. There are my tight-knit friendships I’ve had for almost 20 years. There are the newer friends I’ve made more recently. And, every so often, I get to see my friends connecting with one another in the same room.

I was curious to learn more about how others were navigating their friendships so I reached out to a few folks to learn what their deal-breakers were. Oh, and best of all? They’re all therapists.

It Starts as the Occasional Concession

Blake Blankenbecler, licensed therapist and friendship educator based in Charlotte, NC, shared a story that resonated most with my recent friendship break-up. “Dealbreakers in friendship don’t often start off as dealbreakers,” she began.

She explained that it usually starts as one friend making the occasional concession—covering the dinner tab, being the first to apologize, or generally deferring to the other person’s wants. Yet, over time, when the first friend is always the one making compromises or giving a little more, this creates a pattern that can erode friendships.

“The friendship cracks become hard to ignore. You have a conversation with your friend about your concerns and issues arise,” she continued. These common include when a friend refuses to see the issue at hand, dismisses it, or (gasp) says you’re being too sensitive. 

This type of response indicates a deep indifference to your feelings. While, in my case, my feelings weren’t flat-out denied, I also felt they weren’t taken seriously, evidenced by my friend’s spotty communication. Plus, Blake brings up a good point. “If a friend does not care about the relational dynamics that make up your friendship, that is going to be a very lonely friendship to be in and one that I’d offer is not healthy to stay in,” she concluded.

Blankenbecler is a friendship educator, so I was eager to hear how she believes friendship fallouts could be avoided. Her answer provided insight into the power of honesty. “Based on some past friendship trauma, I believed that my friends really didn’t care or even notice when I’d go dark for a few weeks if I was busy,” she says.

It wasn’t until a friend let her know how her going dark impacted her, leading her to create stories in her mind about why Blake was being distant. Not only did this help Blake realize the importance of communication, especially during busy times, but it also let her know that their friendship does really matter and her friends do notice and care when she is less available.

“Creating a culture in your friendships that values kind honesty and generosity is incredbily important for the sustainability of a friendship,” she concluded.

It’s Those Behaviors That Make You Feel Unsafe

Natalie Moore, a licensed therapist in California, identifies a friendship deal breaker as anything that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in the relationship. Think along the lines of deception, betrayal, disrespect, or a lack of consistent support.

When I asked her for examples of how these friendship deal breakers can show up in common situations, she named a few I think many of us can relate to. “Your friend sharing your personal secrets with someone else, speaking badly about you behind your back… breaking promises, and overstepping your boundaries can all be possible dealbreakers,” she shared. Even her listing off those examples made me think back to friendships I have had throughout my life, especially when younger, and how painful some of those experiences were. 

When it comes to addressing friendship deal breakers, Moore recommends following a simple formula—state what they did that bothered them, name what you would like them to do instead, and share how you believe their changes will improve the relationship. “Friendships can be mended if you get a genuine sense that your friend is invested in the relationship and willing to make the changes you’ve asked them to make.” But, she cautions, if your friend did something unforgivable that makes you question their values or judgment, it may be grounds to end the friendship for your own self-protection.

When They Just Don’t Keep Their Word

Resha Altai, a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California, feels a friendship deal breaker is when a boundary is broken. “A very common example is loaning a friend money with an agreement that they will pay you back by a certain date, only to have that date come and go without communication,” she explained. She continued by expressing how this can be especially troublesome if integrity is a major value of yours—which it likely is for many people.

However, she agrees with my initial take that conflict can’t always be avoided. “Rupture and repair is a natural part of any relationship,” she shared. It is all about being upfront and transparent about your boundaries, needs, and values to avoid friendship fallouts. 

Can A Friendship Be Mended Post Dealbreaker?

Can a friendship be mended after a dealbreaker has occurred? It certainly can be, but there are some considerations to keep in mind. “Has your friend acknowledged the dealbreaker? Has a sincere apology and changed behavior occurred?” Resha encourages folks to ask themselves. If the answer to both is yes, then there’s great evidence that things could be mended. If not, she recommends taking a hard look at if this is the relationship for you or not. 

Blake abides by the old adage that time heals. “Time can often be a great softener,” she explained. She noted that having time apart to think about your parts in the unhealthy friendship dynamics can allow the two of you to come back together with a deeper sense of empathy.

But, don’t expect things to immediately bounce back to how they were. “Folks don’t always make room for how hard it can be to mend a relationship.” It is true, sometimes we can breeze past the fact that fights and fallouts in relationships of all sorts are big deals. But, Blake stands by the idea of hanging in there and working through all the tender and awkward stages that come with mending a friendship. And, in the event things can’t be mended? She encourages you to allow yourself space to grieve. 

What Boundaries Actually Mean

In Natalie’s practice, she provides a lot of meaningful wisdom into the power of boundaries. The term boundaries showed up often in all the conversations I had about friendships while researching this article, so I was very eager to hear her thoughts. More specifically, I was curious how she feels someone can identify their boundaries.

She recommends thinking back to situations where you’ve been hurt by friends in the past. Consider what boundaries you felt were violated. Then, working from there, you can identify your key values and boundaries that you can share with your loved ones. Natalie gave the example of a roommate always borrowing your clothes without asking you as an issue. “Your material boundary could be that you require in your friendships that permission be asked first before borrowing your possessions,” she explained. 

When I asked Resha her thoughts, she shared the following boundaries as guidelines within friendships:

• Ask before offering advice or support
• Allow of physical and emotional space
• Respect differences
• Be mindful of oversharing

Therapy for Friends? You Got It.

Feeling stumped on how to move forward in a friendship but you both are clear you aren’t willing to end things? You can see a therapist for that. Some therapists are open to working with friends. These sessions function somewhat similarly to couples therapy in that both of you show up together and have a chance to discuss the issues at hand.

Blake offers this service to people living in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Texas. You can also reach out to therapists who work with couples and groups to inquire if this is a service they offer. 

Is online safe, or are dating apps dangerous?

I often get asked if online dating is safe, and for the most part, the answer is, “yes”.

I believe 98% of men who date online have good intentions. It’s the other 2% you need to watch out for.

I’m a fan of online dating. Dating apps are super helpful tools that give us access to wonderful people we wouldn’t otherwise get to meet. Even so, it’s important to ALWAYS be cautious and prioritize your safety.

I want you to be safe and feel comfortable, so here are 14 things you should do to stay safe when you’re dating online:

Online dating safety tips:

1. Google yourself and consider using “Delete Me”:
Google yourself to see if there’s any private information that’s visible online. There’s a service called “Delete Me” that will remove your personal and private information from the Internet. This service can be costly, but many people feel it’s worth the investment to get their information off the Internet.

2. Misspell or change your name when you date online:
People often use Google to research who they’re talking to online. This makes it easy for a stranger to find out who you are and even where you live.

Therefore, I suggest changing the spelling of your name or even using a different name when dating online.

So, if your name is Erica, spell it with a “K” (Erika). Or if your name is Lyndsay, consider going by Lyn, etc.

This will make it harder for someone to figure out who you are. Wait until you feel comfortable to share your real name.

3. Get a Google Voice phone number:
Instead of sharing your real number, get a free Google Voice number, and wait until later to share your real one.

Download the free Google Voice app to text and make calls from your phone without anyone seeing your real number on caller ID. If a man is bothersome or creepy, simply block him.

Google Voice is a great service that I use and recommend.

4. Take a screenshot of men’s online dating profiles:
Before you meet someone for the first time, take screenshots of his online dating profile and photos and share them with a friend or family member.

This way, you’ll have photos and info to help you identify the person should something go wrong.

It’s unlikely there will be a problem, but just in case, a screenshot is a smart move.

5. Check in with a friend or family member before your online date:
Make sure a friend or family member knows who you’re meeting and where you’re going on your date. And arrange a check-in time after the date so they know you made it home safely.

6. Do a Background Check when you meet men online:
Been Verified is an affordable background check service that anyone can use.

Use it to find out if someone has a criminal record, a DWI, or has gone bankrupt. I highly recommend Been Verified or a similar service.

Please keep in mind, a background check does NOT guarantee a man is safe to meet. But it is a good precaution to use.

7. Do a reverse image search of their online dating profile photos:
If you want to learn more about a man you’ve connected with online, consider doing a Google image search of his photos. Image searches don’t always work, but they’re worth a try. If you’re able to ID someone, run a background check to learn more.

8. Do a reverse phone number search:
When a man gives you his phone number, you can use Been Verified to do a reverse phone number search to learn his identity. This doesn’t always work, but it’s also worth a try.

One of my clients recently did a reverse number search and avoided meeting a man with an assault and battery conviction!

9. Get a dating email address specifically for online dating:
If a man asks to connect via email, it’s a good idea to have a separate email address specifically for dating.

Most email addresses have your name or company information in the email address or email signature.

Therefore, I suggest getting a non-identifying Gmail address to share.

I used to call mine my “super secret dating email”, lol! Once I knew someone better, I’d give him my regular email address.

10. Consider taking an Uber to your dates:
Years ago, I was on a date with a man who offered to walk me to my car after dinner. He gave me the creeps, so I declined. Fortunately, there was a Barnes & Noble nearby that closed at 11 PM, so I told him I had some shopping to do. But what if there hadn’t been a store nearby?

To ensure you don’t find yourself in a similar situation, consider taking an Uber to and from your date.

11. Meet at a public place for your first couple of dates:
If a man suggests dinner at his house or a hike in the middle of nowhere (insert eye roll here), please decline.

Men don’t fear for their safety the way we do and often don’t understand how uncomfortable their suggestions make us feel.

To ensure you’re safe, meet your dates in a public place – not off the beaten path or at home. If a man offers to pick you up at your house or to cook you dinner at his place, thank him, but politely decline.

When you know him better (and feel safe), you can invite him over or go on that secluded hike. But please wait until you feel comfortable. It’s always better to be safe than to be sorry.

12. Don’t accept social media requests until you know someone well:
Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok share a tremendous amount of information about us, so please consider making your accounts private or carefully curating your content.

Do NOT accept a friend request on Facebook from someone you’ve just met. Make sure you know a man well before giving him access to your posts. If he sends a friend request too soon, hit “decline”.

13. Advocate for yourself no matter what:
If someone is making you feel uncomfortable on a date, tell him immediately and ask him to stop. Don’t sit with your discomfort – end it.

Sometimes men can be too touchy when they like you. If something doesn’t feel right, tell him to stop. A good guy will immediately comply and may even apologize.

If a man takes offense when you advocate for yourself, he’s an a-hole. If that happens, end the date immediately.

14. Trust your gut and leave:
If you don’t feel safe, LEAVE.

If you don’t feel safe exiting alone, ask someone at the restaurant, bar, or wherever you are, to walk you to your car or Uber.

Always trust your gut and don’t EVER stay in a situation that feels unsafe.

Women are often taught to be “nice”. Screw nice. If you meet someone online and don’t feel safe, don’t worry about hurting their feelings. Do what you have to do to ensure your safety, period.

I want to end this post by putting things into perspective.

I dated online for years without a single incident, and I’ve worked as a dating coach since 2009, and as far as I know, NONE of my clients have found themselves in a dangerous situation.

Most men are good guys who are sincerely looking for love.

Even so, it’s important to stay safe when dating online, so please use the tips I’ve shared.

And have fun! That’s important too!

With love,
Michelle

We met on mutual. It was the only date either of us ever got off of mutual, and it was the only one we needed. Our first date was at Arctic Circle. I didn’t think the date went very well, but I made sure to get her number because I wanted to try to see her again just because she was so beautiful. But to my surprise, she texted me back and wanted to see me again. The second date went much better. Then I had to leave on a pre-planned vacation the day after the second date. I couldn’t get her out of my mind, but I was half way across the country. “I miss you,” I texted her. “Come back soon,” she texted back. Third date was bringing her to church with me after I got back. Fourth date was a fancy Italian restaurant and our first kiss. Fifth date I asked her to be my girlfriend. It is clear to me that we are soulmates!

Met On Mutual

These stories are submitted by real people who met on Mutual. You could be next!

It seems climate change is here to stay (RIP planet earth) which means summers will keep getting hotter and hotter. When temperatures reach ‘fry an egg on your driveway’ levels, it can be hard to think about anything else.

You can try to distract yourself, but the overwhelming heat will probably still occupy your mind and lead to numerous psychological challenges. You may just feel sluggish or irritable or you might have a more serious exacerbation of an underlying mental health condition.

“Extreme heat is a stressor both on the body and the mind,” says JoAnna Leuck, MD, Associate Dean for Academic Affairs at Burnett School of Medicine at Texas Christian University. “Individuals with mental health issues can have more extreme reactions to stress, which can cause their symptoms to worsen.”

Our body and mind like to stay in balance, but heat can throw that balance off. Dr. Nathan Carroll, Chief Resident Psychiatrist, Jersey Shore University Medical Center, observes, “As we feel the physical effects of heat, it can take a toll on our mental state. For example, a person feeling the effects of extreme heat might not be sleeping as well, so along with being fatigued, they may feel more irritable, angry, or anxious during the day.”

In this article, we’ll take you through some of the consequences of extreme heat on your brain and mental health, including its potential impact on mood disorders, cognitive function, and brain health. We’ll also share strategies for coping with extreme heat.

The Relationship Between Heat and Mental Health

Sandra Kushnir, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and CEO of Meridian Counseling, shares this story about heat and mental health: “One of my patients, who has been managing anxiety, noticed a significant increase in symptoms during a particularly hot summer. The constant discomfort from the heat made it difficult for them to sleep, leading to heightened anxiety and irritability. Through our sessions, we developed a plan that included staying hydrated, taking cool showers, and creating a cooler living environment. These strategies helped them manage their anxiety more effectively during the heatwave.”

In fact, research has shown a connection between heat and mental health. For example, a review of published studies on heat waves and mental health outcomes found that high temperatures were associated with a range of mental health impacts. The most evidence was found for increased suicide risk, however in extreme heat there was also evidence of increased emergency department visits and hospitalizations for a variety of mental health conditions.

Furthermore, another study found that in extreme heat, the increase in mental health issues could at least partially be due to decreased environmental awareness and decreased capacity for the adoption of behavioral change in conditions such as psychosis and schizophrenia. In addition, mental health issues are often exacerbated by certain psychiatric medications’ capacity to increase heat vulnerability.

The extreme heat can have a substantial influence on mood, cognition, and behavior. “With extreme heat, there is… an increase in interpersonal conflict and violence,” says Leuck. “It can lead to mood changes, including anger and outbursts.”

Cheryl Groskopf, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles observes, “Neuroimaging studies have shown that extreme heat exposure can alter brain activity and connectivity, impacting cognitive functions like memory and attention. Your behavior might change too—you may snap at people more easily or have trouble completing tasks.”

This can be due in part to heat’s impact on neurotransmitters, which are the chemicals that help your brain cells communicate. The neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine are thought to be involved in thermoregulation, and these are the very neurotransmitters that many psychotropic drugs such as antidepressants and antipsychotics target. In addition, “heat can increase the release of [the stress hormone] cortisol, which can impact anxiety and mood,” Groskopf says.

Heat and Mood Disorders

Heat can make symptoms of several mood disorders, like depression and bipolar disorder, worse. “For individuals with depression, the additional stress and discomfort from heat can deepen feelings of hopelessness and fatigue,” explains Kushnir. “Those with bipolar disorder might experience more intense manic or depressive episodes. The physiological strain of maintaining body temperature can lead to sleep disturbances, which further destabilizes mood.”

Other conditions can be impacted by extreme heat too. For example, Groskopf observes, “the embarrassment of being excessively hot or sweaty can amplify social anxiety and feeling self-conscious.”

Heat and Cognitive Function

In the face of extreme heat, ” there is not as much ability for certain cognitive functions, and one may have decreased memory, slower decision making, and decreased ability to pay attention to tasks,” says Leuck.

“Studies have shown that test scores and work productivity can decline significantly in hot environments,” explains Kushnir.

Heat and Brain Health

Brain health can suffer when the body is exposed to extreme heat for a long time, too. As Groskopf says, “There is some evidence that exposure to heat-stress can cause inflammation, which can even damage certain brain cells. Over time, this may lead to problems with memory, learning, and overall brain function.”

In addition, Kushnir observes, “In certain conditions such as heat stroke where the body can not regulate its internal temperature in the face of extreme heat, the blood-brain barrier [a protective layer of cells that defend your brain from types of damaging substances] is disrupted, potentially leading to neurological issues.”

Coping Strategies for Extreme Heat

There are several things you can do to cope with extreme heat.

• Stay hydrated. Drink a lot of water and, as Carroll says, “Check up on family members who may forget to drink fluids.”
• Wear light, breathable clothing and try to stay in shaded or indoor spaces, especially during the hottest times of the day. “Go to public spaces with air conditioning,” says Carroll, “such as libraries, malls, and shopping centers, if you don’t have [air conditioning]….”
• Use a portable fan, if possible. “I once brought a mini portable fan to a friend’s wedding in the blazing summer heat,” says Groskepf. “Within an hour, there was a line of friends waiting to cool off with it. This small step made a huge difference and kept me more comfortable.”
• Practice relaxation techniques, such as mindfulness and deep breathing. As Kushnir explains, “[relaxation techniques] can reduce stress and improve mood.”
• Talk to your doctor about any psychiatric medications you’re on that may make you more sensitive to heat. Carroll explains, “Antidepressants, antipsychotics, and benzodiazepines can decrease our thirst sensations (so we can’t tell we’re getting dehydrated) [and] antipsychotics and anticholinergic medications can affect our internal thermoregulation. Lithium, a common medication for bipolar disorder, in particular, can increase the risk for dehydration, leading to a potentially toxic increase in its own blood level.”

Keep in Mind

While the effects of extreme heat can be difficult to handle, especially if you have a mental health condition, it can be done.

For example, Carroll tells this story: “One of my patients loves gardening, walking, and hiking. However, they are very sensitive to heat, were getting lightheaded during [a] heatwave, and are taking medications that are known to cause dehydration. We discussed staying hydrated, getting out of the midday heat, and getting into the shade. We also discussed changing their summer routine to avoid the worst effects of the heat.”

It can be difficult to change your routine, especially if it impacts what you can do, but in heat waves, it may be best to adjust things for the benefit of your mood, brain, and mental health.

Do you ever wonder if you’re too picky when you date?

If you tend to focus on what’s wrong when you meet someone new, you might be too picky. It’s a common self-protective habit, but what if I told you focusing on flaws could be blocking your success finding love?

In the video below, I share a personal story that made me realize the power of shifting my mindset when it came to dating.

It all started with a surprising little shift of perspective on a Sunday morning that made me realize I was unknowingly sabotaging my chances of finding a partner.

I realized I was wearing what I call “dating goggles.”

“Dating goggles” are the negative lenses we put on when meeting someone new, focusing on flaws rather than seeing true beauty and potential.

Once I learned how to take off my dating goggles, I was able to truly appreciate and connect with the person in front of me which made dating much more fun and successful.

In this conversation, my colleague and I explore the importance of stepping back from judgment and embracing curiosity and why doing that will help you find love.

We talk about why being too picky when you date doesn’t serve you AT ALL.

You’ll learn how embracing positivity and curiosity instead of focusing on flaws can transform your dating experience and chances of meeting your partner.

We also discuss the importance of consistency in dating so you can meet a reliable, respectful partner who shows genuine interest, and sincerely cares about you.

When you find someone who gives love effortlessly, rather than making you feel like you’re constantly pursuing it, that’s when you know you’re on the right path.

Join me in this video where I share my experiences and insights on how to break free from dating blocks and discover amazing connections!

On average, I read around 200 books a year with most being romance novels. I like all the subgenres—shifter romance, historical, mafia, marriage of convenience, the list goes on. I’m a dedicated member of the romance books Reddit channel, a regular #BookTok watcher, and a fanfiction fiend who spends days searching for hidden gems in Archive of Our Own (AO3), a fanfiction library.

Basically, I’m a book nerd. Have been since I was 13 and read the many One Direction fanfictions on Wattpad. My pre-teen years were all about gritty romances with bad boys who wore leather jackets, chain-smoked cigarettes, and treated the female protagonist like absolute sh*t. Oh, and tons of smut too.

Majority of my early romance reader experiences contain smut—aka sexually explicit scenes in books. Even now, in my early twenties, most of my novels have a degree of spice, whether that’s fade-to-black (when content happens off-page) or an in-your-face sexual moment between two characters.

Most single women (lol, me) are as faithless as ever over dating but their reading choices don’t reflect that. We’re all obsessed with book boyfriends, perfect romance, and fairytale love. After all, romance novels are a billion-dollar industry that’s growing unprecedently every year. However, does this obsession over fictional love and/or the perfect level of steaminess in these storybook relationships come at the expense of our dating lives? I’m not sure, but I did some digging to find out.

When Reading Smut Bleeds into Real Life

Perhaps, I’ve been single for too long (I have), but I often fantasize about book characters and wonder: why can’t I have that in real life? These book boyfriends are *literally* killing their enemies to protect their women and meanwhile, I can’t get a text back.

And I’m not the only one who feels this way. So many BookTokers have made videos comparing the disappointment that is real-life men to fictional characters.

And yes, I understand these characters are fictional but what they’re doing—being intentional and communicative, showing love and care—is what I want from my partner. Are my expectations too high or am I being delusional and ignoring how IRL dating works?

Sex therapist Dr. Katherine Hertlein leans more towards the latter. “It’s important to remember erotica characters and storylines are crafted for entertainment, with exaggerated and idealized relationships,” she says. “For example, while a romance novel might depict a partner who always knows exactly what to say and do, real-life relationships require communication and effort to understand each other’s needs.”

She continues, adding that most romance novels don’t include the mundane stuff (i.e. the awkward and dull but totally necessary conversations between potential partners). Things like communication challenges or conflict. They rarely—if ever—include the courting stage of dating. Romance novels, frankly, ignore all the bad parts of dating and relationships and paint a very pretty picture we all covet.

What Does Reading Smut Say About Relationships, Dating, and Sex?

There’s nothing wrong with reading erotica or smut. If anything, it’s a form of escapism, says Dr. Hertlein. “The growing popularity of romance and erotic novels suggests that more people are enjoying the escapism that comes with getting into these kinds of stories.“

More people are also eager to learn about their sexual desires, says Dr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist and founder of The Sexual Health School. She credits the popularization of smut to individuals seeking inspiration to improve their own sex lives and the rising interest in different relationship types like polyamory.

Even single people like myself who avidly read smut can find value. Research shows that consuming sexually explicit content helps people feel more sexually confident with themselves and their bodies. I wasn’t taught to feel okay with sex and sexual desires, but erotica and smut have become safe spaces for me to shed this shame and guilt.

Smut Promotes Unrealistic Sex

All of this to say, romance novels are still a fantasy, and so is the sex in them. Think about it—how often does smut show the awkwardness of sex?: queefing and farts, gag reflexes, failing condoms, or even the messiness of the lube. Smut has its benefits but it can be harmful to your relationship and sex life if you’re comparing your IRL sex life to a fictional one.

“Consuming a lot of erotic literature might lead to unrealistic expectations about sex,” Dr. Hertlein explains. “The scenarios, physical appearances, and behaviors depicted in smut are often exaggerated or idealized, which can create dissatisfaction with real-life sexual experiences.”

Moreover, smut often promotes an unrealistic depiction of orgasms. A 2013 study found that most book female protagonists reach the Big O more than male characters and many of these orgasms occur via penetration, which is not realistic for most. (In fact, a 2015 study reported that 36.6% of women between 18 and 94 need clitoral stimulation to orgasm).

The 2013 study also concluded that female orgasms in books are presented as physical transformations that happen in minutes. Something, as a woman, I can say is very rare.

How to Have a Healthy Sex Live While Reading Smut (Because, Yes, It’s Possible)

Sometimes, we readers get swept up in the fantasies. Eyes so glued to the paperback novel that IRL intimacy and sex have become non-existent. While a smut addiction does not exist, according to Dr. Brito, there is such a thing as too much smut, especially if it’s beginning to impact your relationships.

“It may become unhealthy if you’re neglecting other responsibilities or avoiding engagement in real-life relationships,” she says.

You don’t have to quit entirely but establishing boundaries could help. “To maintain a healthy relationship with erotica without damaging your sexual and romantic relationships, set limits on reading time to ensure it doesn’t interfere with quality time with your partner,” Dr. Hertlein says. “Prioritize real-life intimacy by consciously focusing on physical and emotional connections with your partner over fictional experiences.”

Always reflect on your desire to read erotica, Dr. Hertlein adds. If you’re reading smut because you like it, great! But if you find yourself obsessed with the sex or romance in the novel because it’s lacking in your own life, maybe it’s time to put the book down.

So, Does Smut Ruin Dating?

The short answer? No. The long answer? Too much smut can create intimacy, dating, and relationship issues. But that’s where discernment comes in.

“Accept that romance and smut books are primarily designed for entertainment,” Dr. Brito advises. “They often feature characters with ideal qualities and nearly perfect relationships. While they may include elements of real-life scenarios, their main purpose is to entertain you.”

Certain things like weird and awkward sex or miscommunication just aren’t entertaining, so most romance and erotica won’t include them. But that doesn’t mean they don’t happen in real life. Not every sexual moment between you and your partner (or even yourself) will be as magical as the novels claim. And dating sometimes sucks!

Your perfect partner may not be a billionaire mafioso who kills any man who looks at you. It’s very unlikely you’ll randomly stumble upon the heir to a multi-million-dollar corporation and fake marry him to save your family from their rising debt. Frankly, you’ll kiss lots of toads before you meet the prince.

Because, unfortunately, that’s the real world. And we live there, not in the sentences and fragments of an author.

Takeaways

It’s so easy to get swept into the romanticism of it all, but being rooted in fantasy only leads to disappointment and maybe resentment.

Dating is already hard and I don’t need to make it any harder by being delusional. Finding a book boyfriend (does a thing even exist?) is not as easy as these female protagonists proclaim. And even if I find one, there’s no certainty that we’ll be compatible, have a happily ever after, or even have a good sex life. Hell, we may break up after two to three years.

The story may be set in stone but real life never is. Keep that in mind the next time you’re scrolling on Hinge and believe you found the *one.* Chances are, they’re nothing more than another number.

The goal of Mutual is to bring people together, and that all starts with helping people meet and start conversations.

Until now, the only way to interact with people on Mutual has been by swiping up and down on their profiles. This is a great way to express interest and start a connection, but we thought we could do one better! I mean, we have the biggest community of LDS singles on the planet. Why have only one way to interact with them? 

The Mutual team has been working for the past six months to bring an innovative new way to connect with the people on Mutual.. We are so excited to finally share this feature with you!

Benefits of Speed Dating

• See other people who are online right now, during the session.
• Invite others to short, 5-minute text conversations. Break the ice and see if there is a connection!
• No chemistry? No problem or commitment once the chat ends.

So, how does speed dating work?

• Each week at pre-scheduled times, speed dating sessions will be enabled for several hours. 
• Once a week, you’ll receive 1 free ticket to enter a session for 1 hour. MutualUp users have unlimited tickets.
• During a session, review the profiles of other people online who also have joined the session.
• See someone you want to talk to? Send them a request.
• The other person will receive a notification indicating that someone is requesting a speed date and can choose to accept or decline.
• If a speed date is accepted, you both will jump into a 5-minute timed text chat session to get to know each other.
• After the time is up, both you and they will have the choice to keep the conversation going (and match!) or to politely decline.

Why you will love Speed Dating

• Unlike other speed dating events, things here aren’t random. You can see who you are requesting to talk to, as well as those who request to talk to you. (We may add random matching features in the future.)
• Everyone in a live Speed Dating session has the same goal – meeting someone to talk to RIGHT now. No more guessing at intentions or wondering if the other person is ever going to message you back. You know they’re online and ready to chat, too!
• Sending a speed dating request (or accepting one!) isn’t a marriage proposal. 😉 Take a chance! If you both hit it off and want to continue the conversation, great! If not, no pressure; that’s the whole point of speed dating.

Conclusion

Here at Mutual, we care deeply about helping people connect. Speed dating is the first of many ideas we are working on to help more people find their person.

Thank you for trusting us! We are here for you. 🫶

The Mutual Team

Frequently Asked Questions:

• Q: What happens if I get multiple requests to chat?
  A: You will see the requests in the order in which they come in. Accepting them will put you in a “busy” state and let others know you are unavailable.
• Q: Will there be Video or Audio calls? Or just text?
  A: We are launching with text chats only for now. However, video and voice may be an option in the future if there is enough interest!
• Q: What happens if we both choose to continue the conversation?
  A: Both you and the other person will leave speed dating and go to the normal Mutual chat tab, where you can continue to talk without a time limit.
• Q: Will we only be shown profiles that fit our filters? Such as age and distance?
  A: You will only see people that match your filters for age and distance. People will not be able to see you if they are outside of your age range. People will be able to see if you are within their distance range and their age is within your age filter.
• Q: I encountered something weird or broken with Speed Dating. What should I do?
  A: We built the first version of Speed Dating focused primarily on simplicity, stability, and scalability, but there are bound to be bugs and issues that arise that we didn’t catch in our internal testing. If you encounter any issues or have ideas or feedback, please submit it using our feedback form here or email us at support@mutual.app.

Mutual Team

Our team of love experts at Mutual works hard to make sure you have the most helpful dating advice out there. Whether you’re still searching for your person or working to move your relationship from the chat bubble to in-person, we’ve got your back every step of the way.