Join me as I take on the challenge of sharing heartfelt dating advice on prioritizing your partner after a loss! This heartfelt video …
source
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/GettyImages-1366036288-2292da599778456ea3691bdfd524e3e1.jpg)
Complex Trauma in the LGBTQIA+ Community
When somebody has repeated exposure to traumatic events and experiences, they may develop complex trauma.
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network describes complex trauma as exposure to multiple traumatic events, as well as the “wide-ranging, long-term effects” of this exposure. It’s different from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), in that PTSD is caused by one single traumatic event. You may hear complex trauma be described as complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or C-PTSD.
Complex trauma is one of the LGBTQIA+ community’s biggest challenges – it affects LGBTQIA+ people at a higher rate than the population as a whole, for reasons including discrimination, bullying, abuse, and isolation.
However, there are ways to help and support LGBTQIA+ people who are dealing with complex trauma. Here, we’ll explore why LGBTQIA+ people are more likely to be affected by complex trauma, how it affects them, and what we can do.
If you are seeking support for issues with coming out, relationships, bullying, self-harm, and more, contact the LGBT National Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 for one-to-one peer support.
For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
Understanding Complex Trauma
Complex trauma often forms through exposure to incidents or experiences from which someone feels as though they can’t escape.
Children are more likely to develop complex trauma than adults, though complex trauma can develop at any age. LGBTQIA+ people may develop complex trauma through oppression, discrimination, and bullying. Meanwhile, neglect in childhood, as well as physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, can all contribute to the development of complex trauma.
According to Emily Haas, MD, director of the Triumph Program at Silver Hill Hospital, violent assault is four times more likely to be a cause of trauma in LGBTQIA+ individuals, with sexual assault, rape, and child sexual abuse all more common causes of trauma, including PTSD, in LGBTQIA+ people.
And, she says that over 40% of LGBTQIA+ people meet the criteria for a diagnosis of PTSD at any point.
But there are other stressors, too, which may not be so overtly traumatic but can stack up cumulatively – closer meeting the definition of complex trauma. “When you think about PTSD, initially, someone has to have a major trauma to meet the criteria,” explains Dr Haas.
“But oftentimes in this community, it’s actually a series of smaller stressors as well that amount to be a larger trauma, and so it’s something that actually gets missed more often than because they may not have had, like a single car accident trauma sort of thing, but they have a series of chronic traumas over time that you have to ask about, and that can actually meet the threshold of criteria for PTSD.”
But oftentimes in this community, it’s actually a series of smaller stressors as well that amount to be a larger trauma.
It’s important to consider other causes of complex trauma, that may intersect with the complex trauma LGBTQIA+ individuals are more likely to experience. For example, an LGBTQIA+ person of color may develop complex trauma from racism as well as homophobia or transphobia, and the idea that being cisgender and heterosexual is ‘normal’ or ‘correct’.
This is a form of cultural violence – but anti-LGBTQIA+ cultural violence is almost unique in that it often comes from places like the family. And, LGBTQIA+ people who experience rejection from their family are more likely to be at higher risk of homelessness, self-harm, suicide, and various mental health conditions.
Likewise, an LGBTQIA+ person may also develop complex trauma from living in poverty – LGBTQIA+ people disproportionately live in poverty – from violence, war, or terrorism, or from having a family member who struggles with mental health or substance use disorder.
Prevalence of Complex Trauma in the LGBTQIA+ Community
While anyone can develop complex trauma, it’s more prevalent in LGBTQIA+ individuals. Research from 2017 suggests that around 3% of people have complex trauma, while it’s thought that LGBTQIA+ young people are disproportionately exposed to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and potentially traumatic events (PTEs) when compared to non-LGBTQIA+ young people. And, there’s a correlation between these events and an increased risk of both mental and physical health difficulties.
People in the LGBTQIA+ community may be at higher risk of experiencing things that can cause complex trauma to develop. This can range from microaggressions to bullying and discrimination to abuse, intimate partner violence, and homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia.
Per The GLSEN National School Climate Survey, over half (59.5%) of LGBTQ+ students felt unsafe at school due to their sexual orientation, and almost half (44.6%) due to their gender expression. Meanwhile, 62.2% of LGBTQ+ students experienced discriminatory policies at school, while a huge 98.5% reported hearing homophobic and transphobic comments from teachers and fellow students, with 91.8% of students feeling distressed as a result.
And, on a larger scale, the enaction of anti-LGBTQIA+ legislation can be a contributing factor. Take the anti-LGBTQIA+ laws dictating what can be taught as part of the curriculum,
According to the CPTSD Foundation, 48% of gay and bisexual people and 42% of transgender and non-binary people have complex trauma. Meanwhile, Dr Haas says that over 50% of the patients in her residential trauma, complex trauma, and dissociative disorder program are in the LGBTQ+ community.
Impact of Complex Trauma on LGBTQIA+ Individuals
“When you think about trauma in other communities or other minority groups, for example, sometimes those individuals might be experiencing discrimination and hate crimes and things of that nature and assault by the community or in various element aspects of their life, but when they go home, they may often have the support of their community,” explains Dr. Haas.
In contrast, LGBTQIA+ people might not always have that support at home, and may even experience the same sort of traumas at home, too, from their family. Many LGBTQIA+ people are used to simply not having any support, and never being heard. As Dr. Haas puts it, “When I think about treatment, the first thing is, what was home life actually like? Was there ever a moment of peace and respite, or was it kind of always hate and terror all the time? It may actually be very different than their peers.”
Keith Menhinick, PhD
A common maxim in trauma studies is the slower you go, the faster you get there.
— Keith Menhinick, PhD
The effects of trauma on LGBTQIA+ people can be similar to the effects of trauma on their cisgender and heterosexual counterparts. However, after a traumatic event, LGBTQIA+ people are more likely to progress to developing PTSD simply because they’re less likely to have the support of their family, or a community. So, LGBTQIA+ people can often feel isolated and lonely after experiencing trauma.
Of course, many LGBTQIA+ people find community online, and this can be helpful. However, it’s important to have support in your immediate surroundings, too, particularly when you’re going through or have been through trauma.
If you have complex trauma, you may find it hard to feel connected to other people. You may find keeping friends and romantic partners difficult, and you may also struggle to control your emotions. Feelings of worthlessness, shame, and guilt can also be common in people with complex trauma.
Trauma-Informed Care for the LGBTQIA+ Community
Getting help for complex trauma isn’t always easy for people in the LGBTQIA+ community. Treatment can be expensive, meaning that some people are priced out – and those who can afford it may still find that the financial burden causes more stress and anxiety. It’s important to remember, too, that when LGBTQIA+ young people do reach out, they’re met with higher rates of stigma and discrimination – and this can add to their stress, and further alienate them.
According to Keith Menhinick, PhD, visiting assistant professor of Spiritual Care and Pastoral Theology at Emory University, “A general rule of trauma-informed care, especially when working with LGBTQ+ people, is to treat everyone as if they have a history of trauma. However, we should be careful not to ask about someone’s trauma too quickly.”
He recommends asking people about their strengths, gifts, and wisdom to help build their trust, and asking questions like “Who or what is helping you the most right now?”
“Establishing environments of safety is always the top priority,” says Dr Menhinick. “In our work with others, especially those who have experienced trauma, we must move at the speed of trust. Building trust takes time and a commitment to keep showing up. A common maxim in trauma studies is the slower you go, the faster you get there.”
This is something echoed by Dr Haas, who explains that, when treating trauma in LGBTQ+ patients, safety comes first, and she aims to make the space and her approach non-judgment-focused. “That’s not just judgment from staff or peers, but also internal judgment and internal shame and the negative narrative people can have in our their mind – when we treat ourselves in that way, we are actually re-traumatizing ourselves, and we can’t heal from that, right?” she says.
She explains that the LGBTQ+ people she works with will look at how their identity changes, how their identity affects trauma, trauma symptoms, and what affects their likelihood of developing trauma. “We have groups specifically for the LGBTQ+ community in the program to give them a safe space to talk about some of the things that are interwoven with their traumatic experiences but may not apply to the whole group,” she continues.
Something Dr Menhinick adds is that it’s important to remember that behavioral issues are often efforts to help someone cope with unresolved trauma. “Rather than punishing “bad” behavior, we can get curious about a person’s history and their current strategies and practices for coping with stress,” he says.
Healing and Recovery for LGBTQIA+ Individuals With Complex Trauma
There are many things that LGBTQIA+ people with complex trauma can try to help with healing and recovery, too.
Among the treatments available for LGBTQIA+ people with complex trauma include psychotherapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), exposure therapy, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR).
Often, the same treatments used to help manage PTSD can be useful, but people with complex trauma can sometimes need more intensive treatment over a longer period of time. It can also be helpful to get support with other conditions you may have, like anxiety, depression, or dissociation.
Self-care can also be really beneficial when dealing with complex trauma. It helps to have friends and loved ones to speak to, while on your own you could try meditation or journaling. Consistency and sticking to a routine can help, too. This might involve going to bed and waking up at the same times each day, keeping track of your daily chores, or making sure you exercise, enjoying a nutritious diet with plenty of water, and staying on top of personal hygiene.
Advocacy and Support for the LGBTQIA+ Community
For LGBTQIA+ people affected by complex trauma, groups and organizations providing safe spaces and advocacy for them are invaluable.
The CPTSD Foundation works with survivors of trauma worldwide and offers a lot of resources to support people with complex trauma. Meanwhile, Out of the Storm offers a free and anonymous service to adults living with the symptoms of complex trauma.
Beauty After Bruises helps people who experienced trauma as children, while for teens and young adults, The Trevor Project’s TrevorSpace is an online community and source of support.
Keep in Mind
Living with complex trauma can be tough, but there are resources out there that can help. You could speak to a loved one or your physician, or take a look at the resources above. If you aren’t living with complex trauma yourself, but would like to better support a friend or loved one, the resources above may still be useful – and you can help in the meantime simply by listening and letting them know you’re there.
Source link
The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages
Most of us know what love languages are by now. Essentially, they refer to how an individual tends to express or receive affection from loved ones. Of course, relationships and interpersonal needs are much more complex than what can be put into neat, simple categories like this, but the theory behind love languages can be a helpful concept when learning to identify and articulate your needs.
Neurodivergence is a broad concept referring to the range of people whose brains function in ways outside the spectrum of typical development, and processing. There is nothing wrong with this way of being, it just might require some lifestyle adjustments and accommodation.
Every neurodivergent person is unique (just like every neurotypical person is unique), so it’s impossible to sum up every experience in one article. That being said, many neurodivergent individuals struggle with relationships because neurotypical expectations for communication and connection often do not meet their needs or fit their authentic style.
Enter: Neurodivergent love languages. This concept gained traction in various neurodivergent communities following a viral tweet from Em (@Neurowild) on May 27, 2021. Since then, many others have chimed in with their perspective on neurodivergent love languages. Learn about five popular neurodivergent love languages and how to effectively express affection to neurodivergent loved ones.
Neurodivergent Love Languages Explained
Each person expresses and receives affection in different ways. This is influenced by many factors, including what they learned in childhood, cultural values, societal trends, and personal preferences. No one approach to giving or receiving love is inherently superior to another, though different people can have different needs.
When two people who have a relationship (whether it is romantic, platonic, or familial) have different love languages, things can get complicated. They might feel that the other person does not care if they do not express affection in ways that align with their love languages.
Megan, a neurodivergent mental health professional
In a neurotypical world where love and affection are modeled in almost prescriptive ways, I grew up believing I didn’t like, want, or need affection. However, surrounding myself with other neurodivergent folks has made me realize, oh, yeah, these things make me feel loved and cared for.
— Megan, a neurodivergent mental health professional
For example, many people recognize hugs as a way to express affection. Some autistic people have sensory sensitivities that make giving and receiving hugs uncomfortable and overwhelming. Someone who does not understand neurodivergent love languages might think that the autistic person does not love them because they are uncomfortable giving them a hug. On the other hand, the autistic person might feel pressured or be forced to give hugs because “That’s how we express affection” regardless of their comfort.
Megan, a neurodivergent mental health professional, said: “In a neurotypical world where love and affection are modeled in almost prescriptive ways, I grew up believing I didn’t like, want, or need affection. However, surrounding myself with other neurodivergent folks has made me realize, oh, yeah, these things make me feel loved and cared for.”
If we expand our definition of what affection can look like, we make room for different forms of expression. This allows the neurodivergent person to give and receive love without compromising their comfort or safety. It can also help their loved ones adjust their expectations and recognize the affection that the neurodivergent person is offering.
The concept of neurodivergent love languages focuses on five main ways that a neurodivergent individual might express affection.
Note that the way that you express affection might not be the same way that you tend to receive affection. Some people feel most loved in response to different actions than the way that they prefer to express love. Sandy, a couples therapist, noted: “It can be difficult when you and your partner don’t show love the same way, so try to look for what they’re doing to show they love you. It might show up in ways you don’t expect!”
Parallel Play/Body Doubling
In developmental psychology, the term “parallel play” refers to when children engage in play in the same space but do not directly interact with each other. In this context, it refers to when multiple people of any age share a space while doing different activities. “Body doubling” is a behavior activation strategy that many ADHD-ers use to complete tasks. Essentially, having another person present helps the individual do things even if the person is not directly assisting.
A neurodivergent person with this love language might ask you to “hang out” without any specific plan, and they might engage in a hobby, read, or simply share space with you. Megan shared that they prefer this way of showing affection: “I definitely body double/parallel play my way through life with my closest friends.”
Info-Dumping
For some neurodivergent people, areas of interest go beyond simple hobbies. They become passionately wrapped up in their interests to the point where it can be difficult to stop focusing on it. This is sometimes called having a special interest. In the autistic community in particular, “info-dumping” refers to sharing often about their special interest.
Unfortunately, many autistics experience being shut down when they share about their special interests. They are told that they are being “too much” and need to talk about something else instead.
When an autistic person (or non-autistic neurodivergent person with a special interest) info-dumps about their interest, it means that they want to share an important part of their life with you. They want you to know about their interest and share their joy in that interest. It also means that they feel safe enough with you to express their special interest without fear of being shut down.
Penguin Pebbling
Did you know that penguins gift each other with small rocks? Is that not the most adorable thing you have ever heard?
In reference to neurodivergent love languages, “penguin pebbling” refers to sharing small tokens of affection that shows the recipient that the giver has been thinking about them. It shows up as, “I saw this and thought of you.” That can be a rock, a photograph, a gift, or even an internet meme. Like penguins giving each other pebbles to show they care, your neurodivergent loved one might give you small tokens to show that they were reminded of you.
Support Swapping/Spoon Swapping
Spoon theory, developed by Christine Miserandino, is an approach to identifying and conserving energy levels that many in the disabled community use. Basically, each day you have a certain number of spoons, and different activities take a different number of spoons to complete. If you run out of spoons, you might shut down or be unable to complete other tasks.
When neurodivergent people support swap or spoon swap, they trade activities that need to happen, doing things that they have energy for that the other person might not have the spoons to complete. This could mean taking on a task they know the loved one is struggling with.
Deep Pressure
Some neurodivergent people are sensory-seeking, meaning that they crave intense sensory experiences. When it comes to giving and receiving affection, this can look like asking for (or giving) very tight, “squishing” hugs, massages, or even laying on the other person like a huge weighted blanket.
When a neurodivergent person seeks deep pressure from someone they love, they are connecting through the sensation of the pressure, which can help them feel close and connected to that person.
Sandy noted that sometimes one partner might worry about hurting the other with deep pressure, so it can help to set a timer to check in and have a signal to stop.
What’s Your Neurodivergent Love Language?
As noted at the beginning of this article, this list is not all-encompassing, and many people give and receive love in multiple ways. Your preferred love language might change over time, too. However, it can be helpful to identify which expressions of affection mean the most to you. In your relationships, it can also be beneficial to let the other person know what your love needs are and communicate to understand what theirs are.
These questions can help you self-reflect on your love languages. Have the people you care about answer them too to learn more about their love languages:
- What behavior from your partner makes you feel loved?
- What expressions of love overload or overwhelm you?
- What do you like to do to show your partner you have been thinking about them?
- When you are feeling affectionate towards your partner, what behavior do you engage in?
Nurturing Neurodivergent Relationships
Whether both parties are neurodivergent and share a diagnosis, different flavors of neurodivergent, or a mix of neurotypical and neurodivergent, relationships can be challenging. It is important to communicate effectively. Let your partner know what you need and how you need them to express affection towards you, and ask them what they need from you.
Miscommunication happens, and conflicts arise. Take space when you need to, and work through things together. A couples therapist can help you build effective communication skills and form a stronger relationship.
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/HeadShot2-0e5cbea92b2948a1a2013271d90c2d1f.jpg)
Source link
Trust God’s Timing – Mutual Blog
I had just moved to Utah from Idaho and was encouraged by family and friends to re-download mutual and try dating again since I was new to the area. I had mutual multiple times and dated a lot but it never went beyond a few dates. Jace had also just redownloaded mutual after taking a break from dating. We matched within a week of both of us downloading the app again. He messaged me the day we matched and took my out to sushi. From that day on, we were inseparable. We saw each other everyday and became best friends. Even though we knew we wanted to be together, it took Jace some time to admit it. He broke up with me a few times because of fear of a real commitment. But he never let it last for more than a week before calling me up and wanting to try again. Under normal circumstances I would have been done after the first breakup, but there was something about him. I prayed multiple times and expressed my frustration with him and the answer each time was: “be patient. Keep fighting for him.” I knew God had directed me to move to Utah. For Jace. So I continued to fight for him and eventually he realized you’re supposed to marry your best friend. We talked many times while dating about how it felt like God’s plan for us to be together. Our first date was on October 29th 2020. On October 30th 2021, Jace took me into the mountains and asked me to be his wife. We were married May 6th 2022 in Salt Lake City UT and now have a beautiful baby girl. We are going to be sealed as a family on October 21st. We couldn’t be happier, Jace is the most amazing husband and father. I’m so glad we both gave mutual another shot. Dating can be so frustrating, but timing is everything! Trust God’s timing.
Met On Mutual
These stories are submitted by real people who met on Mutual. You could be next!
Source link
10 FIRST DATE TIPS FOR YOUNG MEN!
Fellas it’s really small details that will set you apart!! It’s not the money, the car, the clothes etc! It’s the effort and energy! Also these …
source
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/Hannah-Owens-webready-01-ec98d54357fb4756afdc771e30ec158d.jpg)
Is Parallel Play Good for Relationships?
You might have heard the term “parallel play” floating around, and if it makes you think of children, you may know a bit about child development and why this is an important practice for kids. But did you also know that parallel play can be healthy for adults, too?
Maybe you find that sometimes, you and your partner are sitting on the couch next to each other, you playing a game on your phone and them watching a TikTok video. You’re together, but doing separate things. That’s parallel play!
Read on to learn more about what parallel play is, as well as the benefits and drawbacks of practicing parallel play in an adult romantic relationship.
What Is Parallel Play?
“Parallel play” is a behavior typically associated with young children, and it describes the act of two or more children playing with different toys or activities separately while being physically side-by-side.
It’s an important part of a child’s development as it helps with developing motor skills, social skills, confidence, independence, and expression. When kids parallel play together, they are also learning about how other people might have different perspectives and inner lives than they do and that’s OK. Accepting that someone else might prefer a different game or activity, and still feeling comfortable being around that other person even when they aren’t doing the same things, is an important developmental step for a child.
Ever find yourself plopped on the couch and scrolling social media while you’re sitting next to your partner who is watching TV? That’s parallel play—a way to feel together even when you are having separate experiences.
Parallel play for adults can also look like:
- Reading different books next to each other in bed
- Lifting weights while your partner does yoga
- Doing different chores in the same room
- Being on your respective phones scrolling separately while you are together
- Folding laundry while your partner plays with your child
The whole “I’ll do my thing and you’ll do your thing and we’re both enjoying our things and that’s OK” thing actually comes up quite a bit in romantic relationships. While a healthy amount of parallel play can indicate comfort, trust, and security with each other in the relationship, just like with anything else, an extremely unbalanced amount of it can be harmful.
Benefits of Parallel Play
Parallel play can be good for your relationship because it helps you practice a version of “object permanence”—that is, trusting that your partner exists and will still be there for you and love you even when you two are not “together” and interacting directly. Parallel play lets your partner know that you trust them and are confident in their love and care of you even when they are not paying direct attention to you, and vice versa. This kind of security can greatly benefit a romantic relationship.
It also allows you to still enjoy activities that might not interest or appeal to your partner without feeling guilty or anxious. This is, again, about trust; trusting that your partner will be able to take care of themselves and take care of themselves while you are doing something they don’t want to do (or they are doing something you don’t want to do).
In addition, parallel play can help you and your partner get used to comfortable silence. Knowing that you don’t always need to be communicating, at least verbally, can leave you feeling more comfortable in the relationship overall.
Drawbacks of Parallel Play
There is such a thing as “too much of a good thing,” and this applies to parallel play as well. If you find yourself and your partner only doing parallel play, and never or hardly ever making time to actually do things together (as in, directly interacting with each other while doing something instead of doing something separately together), this can hurt the relationship.
You might find that you’ve gotten complacent, and no longer try to engage in or schedule interactive activities—like date nights or physical intimacy together—that require you both to be fully present with each other, as in doing the same thing at the same time, together. No longer spending quality time with your partner—defined as doing something together while giving each other your full attention—can be harmful for your relationship.
It’s also important that the things you do together are things that you both choose, agree to do, and enjoy—doing things together just for the sake of doing things together out of duty or obligation may result in resentment instead of closeness and connection.
Our electronics—our phones, and especially social media—can make it easy to slip into patterns of non-communication and non-engagement with our partners. It doesn’t take much to be completely suckered into doomscrolling or getting lost on Instagram or TikTok for hours on end. This kind of parallel play, and this much of it, isn’t great for a relationship.
Basically, if parallel play becomes the default over doing things together, that’s a worrisome sign. Every relationship needs balance, and this is no exception. Remember to make an effort to check in on your partner and intentionally make time to share and enjoy things together.
What Does Parallel Play Say About Your Relationship?
Parallel play can be indicative of a strong relationship because it practices “secure attachment” behaviors—that is, you and your partner feel connected even when you are not directly interacting.
This is the adult version of “object permanence” we talked about before—being able to hold your partner in your mind and your heart when they are physically or emotionally elsewhere, and trusting your partner to do the same. A secure attachment means you can have confidence in the strength of your relationship without needing constant reminders and reassurance that your partner wants, needs, and loves you.
Someone with an insecure attachment style—and especially an anxious attachment style—might have difficulty with parallel play because they are more likely to be afraid or even panic when they are not receiving direct and constant signs that their partner is connected with them.
Because of this, parallel play for someone with an insecure attachment can actually be a great step forward in the relationship; being able to trust their partner enough to “let them go” and be confident that their partner will always “return” is a key component of both parallel play and secure attachment.
However, if you find that you and your partner are doing nothing but parallel play, it might be time to have a discussion about your needs and what you can do to feel more connected in the relationship.
Do you feel distant from your partner? Do they feel distant from you? Talking about this habit can bring to light any issues or difficulties that you and your partner may be experiencing but haven’t verbalized yet.
Final Thoughts
While there are both good and bad things about parallel play, as with most things, balance is key. Parallel play can be the sign of a strong, healthy relationship, but too much of it can leave you feeling isolated from your partner.
So don’t worry if you find yourself and your partner sitting on the couch together doing different things—just make sure it’s not all you do!
Source link
5 Crucial Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Looking for LOVE!
As a matchmaker and dating coach, it’s my job to ask the question, “What are you looking for in a partner?”
If I got paid a nickel every time a woman tells me she’s attracted to men over six feet tall or an older man tells me he wants to date significantly younger women, I’d have a truckload of nickels.
Many of these same folks (the ones who only date tall or young) have wasted years in the wrong relationships dating someone they were not compatible with.
And yet, after all that drama and heartbreak, they still haven’t figured it out. They’re missing the point!
Here’s the thing.
I’ve NEVER asked a woman, “Why is your husband a phenomenal husband?”, and gotten the answer, “Because he’s tall”!
That’s just not a thing!
It’s time to stop focusing on qualities that won’t impact your happiness.
And start focusing on getting your needs met – perhaps for the first time in your life!
It’s time to go deeper. Stop choosing potential partners based on:
- Age
- Race
- Height
- Weight
- Location
- Clothing
- Wealth
- Education, etc.
And start dating people who will ultimately enhance your happiness (not deplete it).
How do you do that?
You’ve got to ask yourself the RIGHT questions to find the RIGHT partner.
Here are five crucial questions you should ask yourself when you’re looking for love:
1.Am I attracted to him?
You don’t have to see fireworks or get butterflies, let’s be real – that’s not sustainable, and where has that gotten you in the past? But you should enjoy looking at him and touching him. Remember, chemistry can grow over time.
2. Do we have fun together?
Simply put, do you enjoy his company?
3. Is he an A+ human being?
Is he trustworthy, kind, generous, dependable, consistent, loving, loyal and caring?
And later, when things get a little more serious, ask yourself:
4. Do we have similar values?
Your values don’t have to be exactly the same, but they should be similar.
And…
5. Do we have similar life goals?
With regard to kids, family, lifestyle, etc.
(Don’t worry about sharing the same exact interests. That’s not as important as you think.)
I’m willing to bet, you’ve got an imaginary partner conjured up in your mind. You’ve spent years imagining what they’ll be like, down to the last detail. I did the same thing.
But it wasn’t until I threw that fictitious image aside and opened-up my heart and mind to all kinds of people – men of different races, ages, body-types, backgrounds, etc. That’s when the magic happened!
And I’ve got an awesome husband to prove it. 🙂
Rob and I are different religions, have different socioeconomic backgrounds, different education levels, and we lived an hour apart when we met. I had four kids and he was kidless. I always went for brunettes, and he’s a blue-eyed blonde. To be honest, he’s not what I’d imagined.
It turns out he’s even better!
He’s a wonderful person, and he adores me. I deserve to be loved this way. And so do you.
It’s time to do things differently – to be open to the possibility that the love of your life could be an unexpected surprise!
The one thing I hear most often from my happy clients who’ve found “the one” is this: “I never would have gone out with them if I hadn’t worked with you”.
Go deeper. Start asking the right questions (and stop asking the wrong ones). Open your heart and your mind. And then take a chance!
xo,
Michelle
Source link
How to Deal With a Bad Roommate and Keep the Peace
:max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(jpeg)/VWM-wild-roommate-getty-C-2b6af40cbddc4cd1a8deea7d13680c4b.jpg)
If you are reading this, chances are you’re either dealing with or once had a bad roommate. Trust us, we’ve been there—and it can truly make life feel like a living hell.
Roommate relationships can become strained for a number of reasons. This could be because of a lack of personal boundaries, poor communication, privacy or safety concerns, financial disputes, personality clashes, or different lifestyle choices, among other things.
Over time, the pent-up stress and frustration from the situation can impact our mood, sleep, and overall quality of life. “The energy we feel at home is vital to our ability to interact with the rest of the world. If the energy at home is negative or draining, it can have a large impact on our mental health and our living environment,” says Laura Rhodes-Levin, LMFT, author of “The Missing Peace: Rewire Your Brain, Reduce Anxiety, and Recreate Your Life.”
Though it may seem easier to ignore the problem for as long as possible, the best option is to address any issues promptly instead of waiting for things to go from bad to worse.
“The longer the tension mounts and the longer the resentment builds, the harder it is for people to see each other’s point of view,” says Judith Joseph, MD, board-certified psychiatrist and clinical assistant professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU. Addressing conflicts immediately minimizes miscommunication and resentment—both of which can contribute to stress and anxiety.
Understanding the Situation
The first step is to understand what type of roommate you’re dealing with. Some of the most challenging roommate types you might encounter include:
- The Noisemaker: If your roommate is always too loud or constantly throws late-night parties without notice, it might be because they have a different lifestyle and struggle to adjust to boundaries. They may not be aware of, or may simply not care, how disruptive their behavior is to others.
- The Slob: Do they never clean up after themselves and treat the whole place like their personal dumpster? It may be because they have poor hygiene habits and don’t see any problem with it. “I had a roommate who would leave dirty dishes in the kitchen sink for weeks. On one occasion, she left smeared feces on the toilet seat. I sent her a text message asking her to check the seat after she uses it, and then I started wiping the seat down with a Lysol wipe before each use,” shares Lyndsey Getty, founder of the Thought Method Co. and author of “Overthink.”
- The Borrower: I once had a roommate who would use my hairbrush and nail clippers without asking and another who would steal food from the fridge we all shared. I started locking up my belongings when not in use, which solved the first problem. The stealing, however, did not stop until the food hogger eventually moved out. If your roommate routinely takes your things without bothering to return or replace them, it might be out of a sense of entitlement, carelessness, or a lack of respect for personal boundaries.
- The Passive-Aggressive: They will go out of their way to show bitterness and hostility when they feel hurt or offended about something but never actually tell you what’s bothering them. This behavior usually stems from a fear of confrontation, difficulty expressing emotions, or underlying insecurities.
- The Drama King or Queen: If you have a roommate who is constantly surrounded by drama, it may be because they have a strong need for attention. They may be doing it to seek validation or sympathy or simply out of boredom. In some cases, it may be because they feel things very strongly and have trouble managing their emotions and expressing them in a healthy way.
- The Micromanager: This is the roommate who likes to micromanage everyone. They want everything done a certain way and put in a certain place to feel in control and at peace. This type of behavior is typically associated with anxiety, perfectionism, low self-esteem, or personality disorder.
Weighing Your Options
So, how can you address the issues you’re having with your roommate in a constructive way?
It could include strategies like improving communication by having open conversations and practicing assertiveness instead of passive aggression.
Or setting and enforcing boundaries and ground rules after mutual discussion. For example, if they regularly use your stuff without asking, you can create a boundary by firmly asking them not to use your things, especially without permission. Make sure to include what the natural consequence would be if they don’t follow through.
You can also do self-check-ins to see if you are unwittingly enabling their bad behavior through your actions and responses. For instance, if they never do the dishes and you end up doing it every time, you may be reinforcing the behavior by not addressing the issue directly.
If you feel things are too difficult to handle on your own, consider seeking the help of a mediator for a neutral perspective and effective conflict resolution. We’ll explore each of these options in more detail below.
Communication Strategies
Keep in mind, communication is not the same as confrontation. “Communication should be an attempt to share feelings openly without worrying about being attacked for what you are feeling or needing,” says Rhodes-Levin.
Here are six key communication strategies to navigate roommate disputes effectively:
Use “I” Statements
“Frame your concerns using ‘I’ statements to avoid sounding accusatory,” suggests Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC. For example, you can say, “I feel stressed when the kitchen is left dirty,” instead of “you never clean up.” “I” statements reduce defensiveness and make it easier for the other person to understand your perspective and feelings. “This approach helps engage the prefrontal cortex rather than triggering the amygdala, which is responsible for fear responses,” Groskopf explains.
The prefrontal cortex is responsible for executive functioning (e.g., problem-solving), planning for the future/managing consequences for actions, and emotion regulation.
Practice Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
“This approach uses non-blaming or critical language and ensures that empathy and personal responsibility are central in the communication,” says Brooke Sprowl, an LA-based therapist specializing in relationships, codependency, and toxic relationships.
Most people tend to communicate in ways that are accusatory or even coercive during a dispute. This only escalates the situation and creates a feedback loop of defensiveness between both individuals. “When you remove blame, use empathy and neutral language, this tends to change the tone of conflict from contentious to collaborative,” Sprowl adds.
Keep Your Body Language Non-Aggressive
Make sure your body language is open and non-threatening while maintaining eye contact. Avoid glaring, finger-pointing, or crossing your arms. Discuss the issue calmly without interrupting each other, keeping your tone respectful and steady to avoid escalating the situation, suggests Gayle Weill, LCSW.
Explain Rather Than Complain
Clearly define what the problem is and how it affects you and the shared living space. Avoid vague complaints. Once the issues have been laid out, it’s necessary to collaborate on potential solutions that work for both parties. “Compromise will likely need to occur between both of you,” says Weill.
Assume Positive Intent
Sometimes, when other people don’t behave favorably, we assume they are acting maliciously when they might simply be unaware, absent-minded, or doing their best but still making mistakes, says Getty. Assuming positive intent helps reduce the intensity of a situation, allowing you to communicate calmly rather than with frustration. However, “it’s important to remember that just because someone is doing their best or isn’t acting with malicious intent, it doesn’t excuse their behavior,” adds Getty.
Once you assume positive intent, focus on facts and solutions when communicating. For example, if your roommate is loud late at night, you could say, “I can hear you playing guitar at 1 a.m. You may not realize it, but the walls here are thin. Can you play in the basement or stop playing around 11 when I go to sleep?” Ideally, this will resolve the situation. If the noise continues, speak more assertively: “Hey, I mentioned your guitar playing is loud and asked you to stop around 11. The past few nights, I’ve heard you playing past 11, and it’s keeping me up. How can we stop this?”
Turn to AI for Help
“ChatGPT can also be a great resource. You can input what you want to say and ask it to remove emotional language, stick to facts, and be assertive but not aggressive. Then, send your message via text,” suggests Getty.
Conflict Resolution
When you live with others, conflicts are bound to happen over one thing or another. However, with a well-defined approach to conflict resolution, you don’t have to avoid or overreact to these situations. Here’s a step-by-step strategy to try:
Evalulate the Problem
Identify the issue and consider how it impacts you so you can communicate it to your roommate. For example, if your roommate often leaves half-eaten food around the house that goes moldy and stinks, you can mention how it poses a health risk and creates an unpleasant living environment.
See If It’s Actually a Dispute
If you think the issue might be a one-time thing or something relatively small, it might be easier to take care of it yourself. For example, if your roommate forgot to take out the trash one day and it started to smell, you could take it out this time and tell them afterward, saying, “Hey, I noticed the trash was starting to smell, so I took it out. Please take it out next time when it’s your turn.” If it becomes routine, though, that merits a serious conversation with your roommate.
Pick the Right Time
Don’t try to resolve conflicts when emotions are running high. Instead, set a time and place to discuss the issue when both of you are calm and better able to communicate, suggests Dr. Joseph. Don’t meet during early hours if someone is not a morning person or too late if someone is exhausted at late hours. Set a time that works for both. Similarly, pick a neutral area of the home for discussion or meet at a nearby coffee shop. “It’s important to do as much as you can to control the level of stress infused into the situation,” says Dr. Joseph.
Listen Actively
Once you have clearly and calmly expressed your concerns, give your roommate a chance to share their perspective and listen to them without interrupting. Don’t plan your response while they are still talking. Instead, focus on what they are saying without jumping to conclusions. Also, pay attention to the non-verbal cues. Active listening helps you understand the other person better and makes them feel heard. “When you feel heard, it activates the brain’s reward centers, promoting empathy and more positive interactions,” says Groskopf.
Seek Common Ground
Start by identifying common objectives. For example, you could say, “We both want a peaceful home, so let’s figure out how to get there.” “Recognizing shared goals can help shift the focus from individual complaints to mutual benefits. This creates a collaborative atmosphere where both parties work towards a common good,” says Groskopf.
Separate the Person From the Problem
It can be easy to get swept up in emotions and start seeing the roommate as the problem. However, resolving roommate conflicts can be more fruitful when we look at the bigger picture and approach the situation with a solution-oriented mindset rather than seeing the other person as the enemy, says registered counselor Sumarie Engelbrecht. Collaborate with your roommate to brainstorm solutions that work for both of you. Be prepared for a reasonable compromise to come to an agreement.
Formalize the Agreement
Write down the agreement reached and share a copy with your roommate. Also, set up a follow-up meeting to review the situation after some time and ensure that the solution is working.
Set Boundaries and Establish Rules
A great way to establish house rules and boundaries is to hold a “House & Rules” meeting where each roommate may present their thoughts and suggestions regarding basic house rules and personal boundaries, says Kelley Brower, LMHC, CFRC. Clearly define personal spaces, shared spaces, and responsibilities. Who does what, where, when, and how—put it all in writing and post it on the refrigerator. Ensure that the rules are fair and consider everyone’s needs. “When rules are created collaboratively, they’re more likely to be respected and followed,” says Groskopf.
It’s important to note that following boundaries and rules takes lots of practice, patience, and persistence. So, give yourself and your roommates grace as you work together to create a harmonious living environment.
However, remember that these steps won’t work if someone is abusive or acting in bad faith because there won’t be a real attempt to understand you or come to a compromise. “In this case, the best course is to take as much space as possible, enforce clear boundaries, and create an exit plan as soon as possible,” says Sprowl.
Seeking Mediation or External Help
Involving a neutral third party, such as a counselor or a resident advisor, can help roommates resolve their differences by providing an unbiased perspective and a structured framework for facilitating a constructive dialogue, says Weill.
“A third-party mediator would be able to ensure the conversation stays on track and doesn’t spiral into personal attacks,” says Engelbrecht. They are also less likely to have tunnel vision when trying to resolve the situation and can come up with out-of-the-box solutions, she adds.
If you are a student seeking guidance and support regarding your living situation, consider contacting your college RA or university counseling center. For advice and resources for off-campus accommodation, contacting your local tenant association or housing authority is a good place to start.
Links & Resources
Self-Care and Coping Strategies
“When there is conflict at home, you experience physiological and psychological symptoms of fight-or-flight and anticipatory anxiety,” says Dr. Joseph. This is why it is imperative to prioritize self-care to manage stress and improve emotional regulation.
Here are five expert-backed self-care strategies to try besides boundary-setting:
- Practice mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques like breathwork, yoga, or gratitude journaling can significantly reduce stress and anxiety and help center your body and mind, says Weill.
- Create a personal retreat: It’s essential to establish a personal space where you can retreat to break away from daily stressors and unwind, says Weill. This could be a designated area in your room or even a favorite spot outside the home.
- Get moving: “Poor physical health can exacerbate stress and make it harder to cope,” says Weill. Regular physical activity helps lower cortisol levels and releases endorphins, which are natural stress relievers.
- Don’t take it personally: Know that whatever is happening is not personal. “You could have 10 roommates and say the same thing to each one of them, and they will all react differently. Their reactions reflect who they are, not who you are,” says Rhodes-Levin. “Remember you are in charge of your own emotions, and you don’t have to take on the emotions of others,” she adds.
- Put your creative hat on: Engaging in creative hobbies like painting, writing, or knitting can help take your mind off roommate troubles and allow you to focus on the present moment, says Weill. They also provide an outlet for processing feelings and self-expression.
Knowing When to Seek Alternative Living Arrangements
“Sometimes our fundamental needs and values conflict with those of our roommates, in which case there may be no way around it but to transition to a new living situation,” says Sprowl.
A simple but easy way to see if a living arrangement is working is to check in with yourself at the end of each day. “I once had a roommate that I was unhappy with, and I kept a little notepad by my bedside. On the days I wanted to leave, I would write L. On the days I felt things were going OK, I would write S for stay. If you find that you have more L’s than S’s, it’s time to find a different arrangement,” says Rhodes-Levin.
“It’s important to give your roommate proper notice because you would want the same in return, but beyond that, your obligation is to yourself and your happiness and well-being,” she adds.
If your new living arrangement is also a shared space, there are a few important things to consider before moving in with or having a new roommate:
- Compatibility: Talk to your potential roommate to see whether they share similar habits, values, and lifestyles as you. “It’s crucial to have compatible personalities to avoid conflicts,” says Ahmed Mohamed, a resident assistant at Wagner College in Staten Island, NYC.
- Ground rules: Discuss rules, expectations, and boundaries beforehand regarding personal space, common areas, and shared responsibilities to minimize conflicts. This can be done via a conversation or in a more formal way with a roommate agreement, says Brower.
- Conflict resolution: Have a plan in place for how conflicts will be addressed and resolved to prevent misunderstandings from escalating and ensure effective communication, suggests Mohamed.
Bottom Line
Dealing with a bad roommate can be stressful. However, with the right communication and conflict resolution techniques, it’s possible to work things out and establish a harmonious relationship. It’s also important to set clear boundaries, manage expectations, and be willing to compromise when appropriate. If issues persist or differences seem irreconcilable, consider seeking a new living arrangement.
Remember that your mental health and well-being matter, and sometimes, moving on is the best option for everyone involved.
Source link
Kamrie & Nick: When You Know, You Know
I had been on mutual a few times dating here and there for a few months. I decided to redownload the app January 2019 and I matched with Nick. We matched the end of January and started messaging back and forth. There was instant chemistry on our first date and I knew he was the one for me. I always said I’d have to date someone for a year before I would marry them but we were engaged 2 months after our first date. We got married the beginning of July 2019. Now we have a 2 and a half year old and a 6 month old and we couldn’t be happier. Even though we were both from the same town we hadn’t ever met. Mutual made it happen and I will be forever grateful!
Source link
Most MEN BLOW the FIRST DATE: why you are your own worst enemy
Buy my book, “The Value of Others” Ebook: https://amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: https://amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: …
source