The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages

Most of us know what love languages are by now. Essentially, they refer to how an individual tends to express or receive affection from loved ones. Of course, relationships and interpersonal needs are much more complex than what can be put into neat, simple categories like this, but the theory behind love languages can be a helpful concept when learning to identify and articulate your needs.

Neurodivergence is a broad concept referring to the range of people whose brains function in ways outside the spectrum of typical development, and processing. There is nothing wrong with this way of being, it just might require some lifestyle adjustments and accommodation.

Every neurodivergent person is unique (just like every neurotypical person is unique), so it’s impossible to sum up every experience in one article. That being said, many neurodivergent individuals struggle with relationships because neurotypical expectations for communication and connection often do not meet their needs or fit their authentic style.

Enter: Neurodivergent love languages. This concept gained traction in various neurodivergent communities following a viral tweet from Em (@Neurowild) on May 27, 2021. Since then, many others have chimed in with their perspective on neurodivergent love languages. Learn about five popular neurodivergent love languages and how to effectively express affection to neurodivergent loved ones.

Neurodivergent Love Languages Explained

Each person expresses and receives affection in different ways. This is influenced by many factors, including what they learned in childhood, cultural values, societal trends, and personal preferences. No one approach to giving or receiving love is inherently superior to another, though different people can have different needs.

When two people who have a relationship (whether it is romantic, platonic, or familial) have different love languages, things can get complicated. They might feel that the other person does not care if they do not express affection in ways that align with their love languages.

For example, many people recognize hugs as a way to express affection. Some autistic people have sensory sensitivities that make giving and receiving hugs uncomfortable and overwhelming. Someone who does not understand neurodivergent love languages might think that the autistic person does not love them because they are uncomfortable giving them a hug. On the other hand, the autistic person might feel pressured or be forced to give hugs because “That’s how we express affection” regardless of their comfort.

Megan, a neurodivergent mental health professional, said: “In a neurotypical world where love and affection are modeled in almost prescriptive ways, I grew up believing I didn’t like, want, or need affection. However, surrounding myself with other neurodivergent folks has made me realize, oh, yeah, these things make me feel loved and cared for.”

If we expand our definition of what affection can look like, we make room for different forms of expression. This allows the neurodivergent person to give and receive love without compromising their comfort or safety. It can also help their loved ones adjust their expectations and recognize the affection that the neurodivergent person is offering.

The concept of neurodivergent love languages focuses on five main ways that a neurodivergent individual might express affection.

Parallel Play/Body Doubling

In developmental psychology, the term “parallel play” refers to when children engage in play in the same space but do not directly interact with each other. In this context, it refers to when multiple people of any age share a space while doing different activities. “Body doubling” is a behavior activation strategy that many ADHD-ers use to complete tasks. Essentially, having another person present helps the individual do things even if the person is not directly assisting.

A neurodivergent person with this love language might ask you to “hang out” without any specific plan, and they might engage in a hobby, read, or simply share space with you. Megan shared that they prefer this way of showing affection: “I definitely body double/parallel play my way through life with my closest friends.”

Info-Dumping

For some neurodivergent people, areas of interest go beyond simple hobbies. They become passionately wrapped up in their interests to the point where it can be difficult to stop focusing on it. This is sometimes called having a special interest. In the autistic community in particular, “info-dumping” refers to sharing often about their special interest.

Unfortunately, many autistics experience being shut down when they share about their special interests. They are told that they are being “too much” and need to talk about something else instead.

When an autistic person (or non-autistic neurodivergent person with a special interest) info-dumps about their interest, it means that they want to share an important part of their life with you. They want you to know about their interest and share their joy in that interest. It also means that they feel safe enough with you to express their special interest without fear of being shut down.

Penguin Pebbling

Did you know that penguins gift each other with small rocks? Is that not the most adorable thing you have ever heard?

In reference to neurodivergent love languages, “penguin pebbling” refers to sharing small tokens of affection that shows the recipient that the giver has been thinking about them. It shows up as, “I saw this and thought of you.” That can be a rock, a photograph, a gift, or even an internet meme. Like penguins giving each other pebbles to show they care, your neurodivergent loved one might give you small tokens to show that they were reminded of you.

Support Swapping/Spoon Swapping

Spoon theory, developed by Christine Miserandino, is an approach to identifying and conserving energy levels that many in the disabled community use. Basically, each day you have a certain number of spoons, and different activities take a different number of spoons to complete. If you run out of spoons, you might shut down or be unable to complete other tasks.

When neurodivergent people support swap or spoon swap, they trade activities that need to happen, doing things that they have energy for that the other person might not have the spoons to complete. This could mean taking on a task they know the loved one is struggling with.

Deep Pressure

Some neurodivergent people are sensory-seeking, meaning that they crave intense sensory experiences. When it comes to giving and receiving affection, this can look like asking for (or giving) very tight, “squishing” hugs, massages, or even laying on the other person like a huge weighted blanket.

When a neurodivergent person seeks deep pressure from someone they love, they are connecting through the sensation of the pressure, which can help them feel close and connected to that person.

Sandy noted that sometimes one partner might worry about hurting the other with deep pressure, so it can help to set a timer to check in and have a signal to stop.

What’s Your Neurodivergent Love Language?

As noted at the beginning of this article, this list is not all-encompassing, and many people give and receive love in multiple ways. Your preferred love language might change over time, too. However, it can be helpful to identify which expressions of affection mean the most to you. In your relationships, it can also be beneficial to let the other person know what your love needs are and communicate to understand what theirs are.

These questions can help you self-reflect on your love languages. Have the people you care about answer them too to learn more about their love languages:

1. What behavior from your partner makes you feel loved?
2. What expressions of love overload or overwhelm you?
3. What do you like to do to show your partner you have been thinking about them?
4. When you are feeling affectionate towards your partner, what behavior do you engage in?

Nurturing Neurodivergent Relationships

Whether both parties are neurodivergent and share a diagnosis, different flavors of neurodivergent, or a mix of neurotypical and neurodivergent, relationships can be challenging. It is important to communicate effectively. Let your partner know what you need and how you need them to express affection towards you, and ask them what they need from you.

Miscommunication happens, and conflicts arise. Take space when you need to, and work through things together. A couples therapist can help you build effective communication skills and form a stronger relationship.