What Is Triangulation in Psychology?

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic that involves bringing a third party into a conflict to create division or gain control. Instead of addressing the problem directly, a person uses triangulation to stir things up behind people’s backs, often pitting people against one another. It’s a classic “divide and conquer” move that often shows up in toxic relationships, family dynamics, and workplace conflict.

How Triangulation Actually Works

Triangulation may be the most well-known toxic behavior. Triangulation is an approach used by many different people who share one thing in common: insecurity. As a result, they’re willing to manipulate others in harmful ways to get what they want or to feel a sense of security in a relationship. 

Typically, there’s limited to no communication between the two triangulated people except through the person manipulating them. It may appear in various ways, but all are about dividing, conquering, or putting people against each other. 

This might involve:

• Involving a third person, pulling them into the situation, and trying to force them to choose a side
• Pitting people against each other by selectively sharing information to create competition or tension
• Using indirect communication, sending messages through others instead of directly and openly talking about the problem
• Creating loyalty tests to force others to prove their support
• Blaming others to avoid taking responsibility
• Withholding information to maintain control and ensure that they are able to play the victim
• Creating conflict behind the scenes and then pretending to be innocent when tensions escalate or the argument comes to a head

What It Looks Like

• Family dynamics: If a parent refuses to acknowledge their children’s personality and individualism, and at the same time, siblings are treated very differently and discouraged from communicating with one another except through the parent, it’s triangulation. It can also involve drawing a child into a conflict between two parents.
• Relationships: Similarly, if a partner or friend uses another person to create a hostile environment, create drama, or pressure you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise do, this is triangulation. Individuals also use triangulation to bring another person into a relationship or friendship without directly confronting the person they have an issue with. 
• Personality disorders: Some people with Cluster B personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder, tend to view or judge themselves in relation to their level of competition with others.

Why Triangulation Is Common in NPD and BPD

Triangulation is a common feature in personality disorders, particularly narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD):

• How people with NPD use triangulation: Some people with narcissistic personality disorder may use triangulation to increase their feelings of supremacy, secure their self-esteem, and devalue other people while keeping potential competitors off-balance. They aren’t that different from the kids who use it to help navigate middle and high school status wars. 
• How people with BPD use triangulation: People with borderline personality disorder focus on receiving reassurance that they are loved to avoid feelings of abandonment. They may use triangulation to make someone jealous to prove their love and commitment to them. 

How Triangulation Affects Relationships

Triangulation can come in various dynamics. First, let’s take a look at how triangulation shows up in family dynamics and romantic relationships.

The Golden Child-Scapegoat Family Dynamic

Within a dysfunctional family unit, the unhealthy, toxic, and often selfish caregiver splits their moral self-image and inferior self-image into two distinct parts projected onto their kids. As a result, one child becomes the golden child who can do no wrong, while the other becomes the scapegoat. 

The golden child is idealized and can do no wrong. The scapegoat, however, is devalued and can only do wrong. These projections may differ over time and change depending on how the caregiver feels about the child at the time. 

Triangulation in Romantic Partnerships

In a romantic relationship, the manipulator will often bring another person into their intimate relationship to create friction, confusion, and jealousy. However, the individual usually enjoys the attention, whether negative or positive, and may even let the triangulated individuals know about one another so that they can fight for attention. 

Worse still, a narcissistically inclined person may triangulate someone they are no longer in contact with to control those they are in touch with. 

In the family variant of triangulation, splitting and projection also occur. The new partner or friend is idealized as perfect, whereas the previous person in that position is seen as entirely flawed. The person who is idealized or devalued is entirely subjective and depends on the manipulator.

Why Triangulation Is So Harmful 

When someone experiences triangulation:

• They may fear other people’s thoughts and feel humiliated, concerned, and self-protective. 
• They might feel the need to set the record straight.
• They may want to confront the other people involved.

However, by doing so, you allow the perpetrator to win. Sometimes, they’re hoping for this kind of reaction, hoping that you’ll lose control and act out in impulse and fear. 

This type of partnership can temporarily alleviate the stress of the situation. However, it can also be risky because it results in dysfunctional patterns and cycles within the relationship, especially if reinforced over multiple occasions. Over time, it creates a messy situation that will often lead to even more hurt feelings or misunderstandings. 

Healthy Ways to Cope

When dealing with triangulation, it’s essential to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the provoking or baiting person. Remember, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. 

Here are a few things you shouldn’t do: 

• Respond quickly to surprising news.
• Lose your temper or lose control of your feelings. While you can’t control other people, you always have control over your own words and responses, and that is where you’ll always have power.
• Make promises, commitments, or contracts that’ll only hurt your relationship with people whom you trust and love. No one who truly loves you will want to take healthy, supportive, positive relationships away from you. 

Here are a few things you should do: 

• Take a step back and consider the facts.
• Clarify anything you are told before acting on it.
• Stay in touch with loved and trusted ones in your life, and tell them about any problems or issues that arise.
• Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work, and leisure time.
• Remove yourself from a conversation if you sense it turning into an unhealthy or dysfunctional one.
• Maintain your self-control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you will not be manipulated like that. 

Healthy communication requires openness and authenticity, and working to resolve conflicts rather than creating them. The most potent way of dealing with these situations is to take a step back, accurately evaluate what is happening, and act accordingly. 

If you feel that you or a loved one could benefit from additional support, reach out to a qualified mental health professional. They can help you navigate your relationships involving triangulation.