Understanding Enmeshment Trauma

Family enmeshment occurs when a family lacks clearly defined roles and boundaries. Salvador Minuchin first described the concept in his structural family therapy theory, which emphasizes the role of family relationships in an individual’s ability to function. According to Minuchin, enmeshed family members struggle to define themselves outside the family. They have high levels of communication and little physical and emotional distance. 

Cultural Norms and Enmeshment

What looks like enmeshment in the United States—a highly individualistic society—might be the norm in more collectivist societies such as Japan and Italy, where people prioritize the needs of the group over those of the individual. For example, if you grew up in a group-centered culture in which individuals are highly connected, you might prefer an enmeshed family model.

Critics of these family system concepts say that they represent patriarchal and male-centered family structures and that the concept of enmeshment pathologizes the maternal drive to build relationships.

Enmeshment Trauma: Too Much of a Good Thing

When you think of childhood emotional trauma, you might think of neglect, but the opposite—being overly close—can lead to enmeshment trauma.

For example, a child can be emotionally “parentified,” which is when the child cares for the parent’s emotional needs. For example, a mother might tell her teenage daughter about her issues with her husband, expecting the daughter to take her side.

Signs of Enmeshment Trauma

Some signs you might see in people dealing with enmeshment include:

• Little physical or emotional privacy between parents and children
• Assumptions that children will be their parents’ best friends
• Acting as “helicopter parents” who are excessively involved in their children’s lives to the point of not allowing them to develop on their own
• Reliance on children for emotional support
• Children rewarded for not resisting enmeshment 

The Effects of Enmeshment Trauma

Enmeshment trauma can lead to some long-term mental health effects, including the following.

Fear of Conflict

Those who grow up in an enmeshed family tend to be very conflict-averse. It wasn’t emotionally safe for them to disagree with their parents growing up, so they assume that disagreeing with someone as an adult won’t be safe, either. 

Difficulty In Relationships

People who experience enmeshment trauma often have difficulty forming and sustaining relationships. After feeling smothered by their parents, they may expect a partner or friend to make those same emotional demands. At the other extreme, they seek out relationships in which they can be the caregiver, as they learned to be in childhood.

Low Self-Esteem

Many of those who come from enmeshed families experience low self-esteem. Because they relied on approval from their parents, they often lack confidence in themselves and their decisions for fear of judgment.

Lack of Identity

Part of enmeshment is doing everything one can to keep others happy, and so someone suffering from enmeshment trauma may know how to do all the right things to please other people but have no idea what is actually helpful to them.

If you have chosen a career, partner, place to live, or all of the above based on what your parents think is right, it may be hard to know who you really are without them.

How to Heal from Enmeshment Trauma

The good news is that it’s never too late to recover from enmeshment trauma. Here’s how to find your own way after growing up in an enmeshed family.

Create Boundaries

Boundaries are your new best friend. One of the key characteristics of an enmeshed family is a lack of boundaries.

Take stock of when you are feeling upset with something a family member has done. Is your mother calling you 10 times a day, for example, making you angry every time you see your phone ringing? 

This means you might either ask her to call less often or just stop answering your phone as much. In an enmeshed dynamic, this will likely upset her. However, you will know it is the right boundary for you if it helps you feel better.

Find Yourself

Enmeshment can become comfortable in some ways, because you must make fewer decisions on your own. But as a result, you might not develop a solid sense of self or know yourself very well.

One strategy: Date yourself, as you would a new partner. Take yourself on outings and trips, explore what makes you happy and sad, wear clothing your parents wouldn’t approve of—whatever sets you apart in some way from your other family members.

Seek Professional Help

Coming to terms with unhealthy family dynamics while also trying to change them can be difficult. Consider working with a therapist so that you don’t have to do this on your own.

Be Patient

It took a lifetime to create your current thought and behavior patterns. It won’t take a lifetime to undo them, but it won’t be overnight, either. Be patient with yourself.

Parents generally try to care for their children in the best they know how. The fact that some of those dynamics didn’t work for you doesn’t mean that your parents were bad people or that you had a terrible childhood. It means you’d like to do things of your own choosing in your own way—a healthy, responsible way to take care of yourself.