How to Help Someone With Anger Issues

Anger is a normal, useful emotion that provides helpful information and feedback, such as when someone has violated a personal boundary. However, frequent angry outbursts and an inability to control one’s rage might indicate that a person has anger issues. Here are some strategies to help someone who has difficulty regulating their anger—and some tips on dealing with their rage.

Signs of Anger Issues

According to McInnis, anger management issues can manifest in many different ways. A person might trouble regulating their anger if they:

• Often seem irritated, either with themselves or other people
• Is prone to snapping when asked simple questions
• Seems angry or tense all the time, with no identifiable trigger
• Behaves aggressively
• Tends to hold a grudge and entertains thoughts about exacting revenge
• Hurts themselves or others verbally, emotionally, or physically
• Gets extremely irritated at slight annoyances or petty things, often beyond what seems like a normal reaction
• Is intolerant of others’ mistakes or weaknesses
• Gets angry at the memory of things that upset them
• Is often sullen and sulking
• Expresses rage by slamming doors, punching walls, and other aggressive behavior
• Gets violent when angry, hurting themselves or others around them
• Becomes inappropriately angry

Impact of Anger Issues

Anger can seem effective in the short term; for example, someone who gets mad at their kids and shouts at them may feel satisfied if it means the kids do their chores. However, in the long term, anger issues can take a toll on the person’s health, relationships, work, and overall quality of life.

On Relationships

McInnis outlines some of the ways that anger issues can affect a person’s relationships:

• Friends, family members, and coworkers may feel like they have to walk on eggshells when dealing with a person who has anger issues.
• Explosive anger issues can make it hard for others to trust the person, speak honestly to them, or feel comfortable around them, therefore negatively impacting their relationships.
• The person’s anger issues can lead them to feel socially isolated because people don’t want to be around this type of behavior.
• Aggressive and violent tendencies can put the person’s family and friends at risk for harm and make them feel unsafe.

These factors can disrupt the harmony in the person’s family and social circle, and make it hard for them to hold a job.

On Physical Health

Anger is an emotional and physiological state that is accompanied by a surge of energy and certain biological changes in the body. These changes include:

• Muscle tension
• Rapid heart rate
• Increased blood pressure
• Surge of hormones such as adrenaline

Frequent, intense, or prolonged bouts of anger can take a toll on the person’s physical health. According to McInnis, the long-term physical effects of uncontrolled anger can include:

• Headaches
• Anxiety
• High blood pressure
• Increased risk of heart disease

How to Help Someone Who Has Anger Issues

If someone close to you has anger management issues, you may be concerned about them and want to help. McInnis shares some steps you can take to help them.

Urge Professional Help

Encourage the person to see a mental healthcare professional, such as a therapist. Many therapists specialize in anger management and anger issues. There are also different forms of therapy that can help treat anger, such as:

• Cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT): This is the most common type of therapy for anger-related issues. It involves identifying and changing unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors. For instance, a therapist may take a person with anger issues through scenarios that would normally trigger anger, working with them to recognize their overreaction and develop healthier coping skills. 
• Family therapy: This form of therapy can help address issues caused by anger directed at one’s family. It can help people resolve issues with their partner, children, parents, and siblings, helping to improve communication and promote understanding and forgiveness.
• Internal family systems therapy (IFS): The family systems theory maintains that there are different parts of the self (just as there are different parts of a family). Some parts of the self may become affected by trauma. The goal of IFS is to give a person access to all parts of themselves so they are better able to manage emotions.
• Psychodynamic therapy: This form of therapy can help the person better understand and address the root causes of their anger.
• Sensorimotor psychotherapy: The sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy is body-oriented, which means it focuses on how trauma and emotions become stored in the body. This type of therapy uses movement to help heal trauma and release emotions such as anger.
• Somatic experiencing (SE): Somatic experiencing also focuses on the body and mind connection. It is sometimes used to help people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) regulate emotions by using body awareness and by thinking about positive memories.

Explore Anger Management Resources

There are several support groups and anger management programs, both in-person and online, that can be helpful. Identify one that could be appropriate for the person and encourage them to join it.

There are also several books, videos, podcasts, and other resources designed to help people with anger issues. You can share them with the person and encourage them to explore them, to help them improve their communication skills.

Suggest a Health Checkup

It can also be helpful for the person to get a health checkup and SPECT brain scan, which can identify any potential organic reasons contributing to the anger management issues.

Coping With Someone Who Has Anger Issues

McInnis suggests some strategies that can help you deal with a person who has anger issues:

• Stay calm and try not to lash out in response, even if it’s difficult.
• Give the person space to self-regulate while letting them know that you’re open to talk when you’ve both calmed down.
• Set emotional and physical boundaries in order to look after your own well-being. Communicate your limits to them before and after heated conflicts, rather than attempting to do so when things are heated.
• Avoid saying things like “You always ruin everything and you’re never going to change.” Stick to “I” statements instead. Try using the phrase, “I’m feeling ____ because ____.” For example, you can say “I felt sad and scared when you yelled at me.” Let them know that you care about them and be authentic about the impact of their anger on you and the relationship.
• Follow up an “I” statement with how you’d like to feel instead and how you’d like to be treated. For instance, you can say “I want to feel ___ and I request ___.”
• Avoid making statements like “Why are you angry, it’s not a big deal,” or “Stop being so emotional/sensitive/dramatic.”
• When you are listening to a loved one with anger management issues, remind yourself it’s not your responsibility to “fix it.” You do not need to change yourself in any way to try to avoid or stop their anger.
• If the situation escalates, call a time-out and take some space from each other. It takes at least 20 minutes for the nervous system to regulate and calm down and for chemical levels associated with anger to return to normal levels. If you each take a time out, do so for at least 20 minutes, during which time you should try not to replay the incident in your mind. Try taking a walk if possible.
• Prioritize your safety. Create a safety plan if needed, including who you can call and where you can go to leave a dangerous situation. If necessary, seek support for domestic violence. If your partner or family member lashes out in anger, this can constitute physical, emotional, verbal, and/or psychological abuse.
• Leaving or ending a relationship is always an option if your loved one has trouble controlling their anger.